the song that never ends

is this the end?

i would argue no, and so would a few others. i just want to say that at the end of the day i have been misunderstood yet again.

i think there is a difference between finding something interesting and being interested in something (or someone for that matter). go figure the difference.

secondly i don't understand what is the meaning of these words - 'i finally realised that you didn't mean to do all those things'... for heaven's sake whatever gave you the idea that i was being 'robbed or 'stolen' away from you? if this sort of accusation is not upsetting enough, i don't know why you assumes that she has been alright all this while.

i don't see a solution anyway so i'll just shut up after this. with you being selfish and me being stubborn, i don't want to care already.

on a better note i'm sort of halfway through my examinations. many of my friends seem to finish way earlier than i do (i finish only on thursday). well there's not really much to look forward to anyway even after exams end. what of next academic year? i can't wait for it to start, though it seems i'll withdraw more and more into my invisible tortoise shell that i've seemed to develop in the past academic year. no thanks to you, i should add.

okay i shall stop digging up the past already, before the audience feels that i'm going too far in raking up the past. i just want to let off some steam that has built up inside me somewhere. fortunately the studying groove hasn't been affected.

i won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound.

in reponse to your note i shall reply here instead. since i have been deleted from your msn and facebook realms that there is no point in me using that medium to reply.

firstly i acknowledge i have been insensitive and immature myself in handling issues. but i just want to make it clear - i might never understand your pain, i know you are going through a lot, but if you think i'm not going through pain then that's wrong. like i said before, do you think i take pride in breaking someone's heart? it is not a nice feeling - and i will carry this guilt around. since the start of last semester i have basically withdrawn into my shell - because i have been disillusioned with what people have been talking about, the accompanying murmurs, your antics etc. during that period all i have done was to shut my trap and not do anything much, and even that i have been criticised for.

tell me what you want me to do? you deleted me from your online realm, and it is a clear indication that you don't want me around. then later you ask me why i do not talk to you. then after that nothing much, then suddenly you come and talk to me again. and all this while i have remained quiet. frankly your behaviour has been erratic to say the least. has much changed? i would say no. even if you 'rehabilitate' my supposed 'loyalists' from my 'camp', i would say that the damage is irreversible. you have good friends, friends who look out for you and advise you on matters, so i would urge you to listen to them. they want the best for you, and so do i. my hand has been forced because i cannot take it that even after so long my friends are being given the cold shoulder (at least of when i blogged about this last month). i cannot take it that not much has changed since almost a year ago, even though i have really not done much to antagonise things. if anything they have been of pure coincidental in nature.

by blogging about this i have shown how ugly and cruel i can be, but it doesn't matter. i have generally kept quiet and just let out my frustrations on my blog, and then suddenly i'm blamed for raking up the past. i don't get it when you cannot try to history remain as such, and then it is me who is blamed for raking up the past. while i have kept quiet and kept to myself it has been ample time for you to sort yourself out, but even after all this while things remain like nothing has changed. what else do you expect me to do?

i have always remained like this - sitting back, not doing anything, letting you have all the space you want. and me? i just keep my own frustrations to myself, ranting it on my blog once in a while. what else do you demand of me? i'm really at a loss. you want us to be like how we were when we first became friends, yet it seems i don't exist to you. you say you are trying, but that has been the rhetoric since the beginning.

i am not begging you to add me back on msn or what, please, i have greater dignity than that. i just want you to walk the talk. and believe that destiny will bring you good things if you want to believe in it. on my part i have not done much (or anything, for that matter) because i don't want to make things potentially harder or more difficult for me, you and the people around us. i can carry on and disappear like i have been doing all this while, it's fine. for me whatever happens life carries one, and i believe that in the end you will find your path to happiness too. i just hope you will believe in that.

arsenal

i am pissed enough to take time off my busy schedule just to blog away my frustations.

if you happened to tune in to the wigan-arsenal match you would understand why. throwing away a 2-0 lead to lose a game 3-2 to a club fighting against relegation is completely unacceptable. it's fine if one lost to barcelona or even spurs, but against wigan when you are 2-0 up is completely ridiculous. i've always thought that arsenal should never win anything this season - so that wenger would do good on his promise in actually restructuring the squad, after saying that if this batch failed this season he would admit that his policy had failed. which i think it did.

i don't get it why it is so hard to get a good goalkeeper and able defenders. Fabianski let in a goal that came through the centre (mind you, the centre, not the sides) of the goal and can't even catch the ball properly. he completely doesn't inspire confidence in defence and is still weak at crosses. almunia is decent, but lacks that extra edge to be top-notch. if wenger opens his eyes properly he can actually see that europe has quite a number of good goalkeepers. Good defenders can also come at cheap prices, and yet ironically for a squad so young three out of its four centrebacks are old enough to buy a hdb flat if they are single. what sort of a policy is that? silvestre, despite scoring, can't even hold his ground - and wenger thinks his experience can be beneficial to the youngsters? what nonsense. he'll only be passing on crap advice to the youngsters. i don't rate gallas that highly either.

even the defensive midfield part is too lightweight. song has improved a lot, but not enough, and denilson is even worse. he can't make his presence felt, and that was why barcelona completely overrun the arsenal midfield. a good defensive midfielder isn't that expensive also you know, i'm not kidding. if wenger's scouting network is so good i wonder why a brazilian is being played at the defensive midfielder position. it's ridiculous.

i'm fine with the midfield and attacking midfield options, although i think they tend to be too elaborate and casual at times. just that i think we need a more aggressive striker. for all the goals bendtner has scored he has an extremely poor first touch for a striker (when you need 2 or 3 touches like he does to get the ball under control it means you are really poor). anyway bendtner doesn't offer much options either other than using his huge-ass empty head to head balls in. arsenal really need a quality striker to able to step in when van persie is out, or to complement him. eduardo is completely past it, and vela looks like he's never going to fulfil the potential he supposedly has.

i've supported arsenal for 12 years already, but this season has been the most exasperating so far i think. the team plays like it has nothing to play for already, which i find irritating. i hope a radical structuring of the squad will take place, if not i really think wenger has not learnt his lesson well. it takes guts to admit that he has made mistakes in his tactics and selection, but i think for the sake of the club and the supporters i think he must quash his ego a little bit.

okay dah.

let me talk to you for a minute wenger, shut up shut up.

moe

exams in one-a-half weeks' time yet i'm not revising properly. days haven been spent playing winning eleven, going out to shop and dine with friends, and even a laser quest session just now. i feel very lethargic nowadays and i really can't wait for the semester to end and for my final year to start. i actually cannot wait for the time when i can finally focus on my major modules and being able to research and and do a thesis on my area of interest. can't wait for that.

on another note i got rejected for the mfa internship. i don't know if i was not aggressive enough during my interview, or that there were really other better and able candidates on offer. on the bright side of things i actually got that moe internship (i just only got the email). i was offered the 5th choice (out of 5 choices actually). i applied to do my internship at several jcs, but i got the last choice - my former secondary school. haha. oh well, at least i will be able to see how the new building is like. been a good 8 years since i left secondary school.

the last silat friendly happened last sunday, and i didn't fight that well. i must buck up, but the one thing i'm happy is that i'm attempting to try new techniques to vary my style of play. there's still a lot of work to do, but i think its very important to vary my techniques. i'm a fairly slow player, so i gotta work on that too. on a side note it was depressing to see farah getting injured rather badly. to hear screams or teammates just crumbling to the ground in agony is heartbreaking. when i see such scenes suddenly i think of the horror on the faces of the arsenal players after the injuries to eduardo and ramsey. i think i sort of understand the psychological impact of witnessing such injuries - to the injured and to those who witness. it can be potentially damaging to the team morale seeing such horrific injuries. i feel sad for farah, and i hope she recovers quickly. go syasya! haha.

on another note i just want to comment on recent personal happenings which i find rather unsettling. i will ramble, so you readers have been warned. haha.

firstly i just want to comment that when i'm quoted i hope i'm quoted verbatim - or at least i hope my words are not distorted. when i make it clear that what i say is A, i really wish that i'm not quoted as saying B. this sort of thing gets me down very easily, because when people don't sieve emotions through the mind that's when irrationality sets in - causing people to think of things that actually isn't happening is happening, when in actual fact it's far from the truth. and this is linked to distortion of speeches that many people indulge in.

secondly i agree that i'm not perfect. it's right to blame me for anything that i have done wrong, because the actions result from me. but i think it is fair to say i feel my friends shouldn't be dragged in together and being treated as pariahs together along with me. in any case we are all not in our teens anymore - old enough to recognise that there are certain things, attitudes, emotions, and feelings that should be left behind back in the secondary school and jc days. obviously i'm not vouching for myself that i'm so matured even if i am that old. and i find no excuse even along gendered lines i feel that allow girls leeway on this and that, and guys for leeway on this and that matter.

thirdly, i've grown to realise that every occurrences have lessons for us to learn from. i have learnt many lessons, some wonderful and some painful, from what i have gone through - and they help shape my character and worldview. one thing is for sure - i am fatalistic to a fairly large extent, and i believe that God only has good things in store for people who strive to do something about their lives. while we work hard in our everyday endavours, i think many people forget that as muslims it is central to believe in the destiny that He has mapped out for us - whether we like or not. don't ask me if it is fair that God has destined certain people to be poor, rich, criminals, homosexuals, cancer-bearing etc etc, that is not what should be questioned. the point is this - it's not even about respecting God's destiny, but a muslim should accept destiny, and the belief that if i strive to work hard and be a good muslim i know things will turn out good for me. belief in destiny is central to islamic faith. if we don't want to accept destiny then i don't see how one can be a good person, much less a good muslim in life.

lastly i've said this time and time again - i really believe in the social work mantra, that people can help you but only you can help yourself.

generally speaking i don't like to antagonise people, and i don't want to make things awkward for myself and for the people around me. i think i don't know how else to handle certain delicate matters, as i feel i've exhausted all my options. and so have others. i think the ball has always been in the other court for a very long time. issues like these get me upset and upset my friends too, so i hope matters will be resolved. once that threshold has been breached - then all will fall into place.

with issues like this life becomes mundane and draggy, and there's really nothing much to look forward to. even ivp and the holidays don't look like they can give my mood a boost.

but you are the only exception.