the last time i blogged was about two-and-a-half months ago. i assure you since then, a lot of thigs have happened. it's just that i've never found the will to blog.

so here i am on xmas eve, in school supposedly to do research for the thesis but what the heck. it's coming on at a really slow pace, but at least i've tried to start finding the books and journals and the newspaper articles. finding them is easy, but to actually pore through them and pick out their arguments... well let's just say even watching blackburn rovers against west ham is much less excruciating.

so the whole exam period came and went, and i admit i've never been so unmotivated to study as i was this time round. it was all about going through the motion, just getting by unspectacularly, especially after what was a tough semester. during the study period i found it very very hard to get myself to concentrate on revising even though i was in school. it got the point where i preferred the preceding period when i typed essays away at a rate of 2000 words per day. like a machine just churning out words and words, in total i typed around 28000 words in the last semester alone. not that i really want to relive those moments again, and i'm more relieved that the semester came as fast as it went. thankfully my cap did not dip by much. next semester hopefully will be more relaxed. just one module and the thesis to work on, and i hope the last semester to be the most fulfilling yet enjoyable one.

2 days before my first paper my paternal grandma left this world. i was already in school actually and surfing away on the laptop while trying to summon my reserves to get myself to begin studying when i got the call. so the whole day was spent with my relatives getting things done for her final journey. i've never been close to her, and i think only my eldest cousin was the only one close to her. still it's saddening to hear all the wailing all around, to see a loved one being buried in the earth, to see the face of death right in front of you. it's been 11 years since my maternal grandpa died too, so it's been quite some time since i've experienced death in family. nowadays i feel i'm always reminded more of death in many ways. which is good i think. i try to slow down the speed of my prayers, and i try to make sure i don't miss any of them. of course i think i still do a lot more bad than i do good. but still i think the thought of death, that one day passed means another day nearer towards death, is good. in life we all want to do good, to be good people, and to make sure our lives have been well spent doing things that are worthwhile.

speaking of christmas, does everyone really celebrate christmas? especially in singapore. if we base it on whether shops still operate on christmas, well i suppose we don't really do so. based on this then the only holiday that we celebrate is chinese new year! the eve of chinese new year is always a half day for most shops, and then they close for the first 2 days of the lunar new year. so i don't really understand the big commercialisation thing and the hype that accompanies christmas, especially in singapore. i wonder if this is really how the christians and the catholics really celebrate christmas, or is this how they really want it to be?

sometimes i wonder if we are overdoing things - to the point where they lose their meaning. what's the point of people showing off in the new paper their collection of agnes b, hermes or prada bags when in that same paper there are stories of people living day by day just trying to get by? why is there still demand for upper class type of shopping centres (like the recently-opened knightsbridge), when more and more people are struggling to pay off their home loans, and more and more people are sinking in poverty? for a response paper assignment in class my professor asked whether vote-buying in elections are democratic or otherwise. in the end i said so what if it's democratic or not? what matters that even if vote-buying might be undemocratic at least the payment that politicians award to their constituents (be it direct cash in hand, or public utility works that benefit all in the community) will go a long way in relieving the immediate crises that poor families face. maybe it's because i wasn't born into wealth, that's why i don't understand what is the big deal of having the need to flash your ridiculous wealth and such. but i think increasing materialism, which affects everyone, be it the working, the middle or the upper classes, suggests a more hollow type of life that we are living. which is sad honestly.

well, i think this my last blog post of the year. so till next year, happy new year to all readers!

p.s. especially to that someone who once said you are a fan of my blog, i really wonder if you actually still follow my blog. haha. in any case happy new year to you too!

the light you bring falls on me.

rainy

today started off very badly.

i woke up feeling deflated and then dejected. then it was raining heavily. i left home slightly earlier than usual but i still arrived in school late. though many more were late. but the journey to school was painful. i've never seen jurong east mrt packed with people up till half of the platform. it was so bad. i could only board the connecting train to clementi at the 5th attempt. and the announcements that kept playing was 'please wait for the next train if you are unable to board the train, thank you.' like duh, damn it. why must they rub it in? then you know when you reach the bus stop and everyone is trying to squeeze under the shelter, then there will be these rude or lazy idiots who wont close their umbrella while walking under shelters and they will just poke everyone with their umbrellas, forgetting that most of the time they are shorter than average and their lazy ass arms are too lazy to extend higher so that the umbrella won't bang into anyone else. what a lousy and sleepy start to the day.

and in class everyone was just complaining about the 8K essay that we had to submit today, but i'm just glad it's done and over with. to the next essay, and then exams, and then research, then back to school, then the essays, the exams...

i don't know why people like to be 18. like when it's their birthday they try to fool themselves by saying that no i'm not like 35 but i want to be 18. do people want to be 18 because of the looks or because of the lack of responsibilities when you're 18 years of age? 18 or 24 or 35 i think it's almost all the same - welcome to the grown-up ages. if so i'd rather go back to my primary school days. like when i was 10 or something. so carefree, so fun life was. just rushing home after school to catch the cartoons on tv, or to go play that catching game me and friends always did at the playground near my house. that's where i banged into the concrete wall and a tiny part of my front tooth got chipped off. and yes the chipped off part is still there. ah, the memories.

and out of all this, am i asking for too much? i don't know if i am, but pray, you can tell me if i am.

'cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome.

year 4

here i am in school on satuday evening, doing my readings alone somewhere in school.

sounds like a typical saturday for me actually. although this will become much more of a permanent fixture for the next few months i think. at least i have a new laptop to accompany me(yayyness haha) if i get bored of readings, then again we all get bored of readings all too easily.

life really sucks, the vicious cycle i mentioned in my previous blog posting is becoming even more vicious - and the work on essays are going to start soon. wow. i think i've never worked as hard as i am now in my entire life, and having said that this is not to say the hard work is paying off well. i think to do really well i need to do better than my current rate.

technically it' still the month of raya (well actually no, but based on a local cultural argument yes it is!). but i haven't gone out much anyway. most importantly i've visited my dad's relatives, my relatives back in my village in jb and went out with the silat people the other day. that should suffice for raya celebrations. it's not that raya holds no meaning, but what is the meaning of celebrating hari raya anyway?

i am lucky enough that i've been around long enough to be known by my name by my relatives, rather than the labelling as 'someone's son'. haha. but raya every year presents to me the same recurring theme that i've experienced for many cycles - that as every raya comes and goes, people get older and new people arrive on the scene, through marriages or birth.

but it is deaths that concern me. rather, impending death. my paternal grandfather celebrated his 78th birthday the day before raya this year. we gathered at his place on the eve of raya and celebrated his birthday with a birthday cake (just like me he's a september baby!). well he still looks fine, though he looks very worn out. my grandmother's condition has become worse in the past year even though she's relatively young by modern standards (only in her early 70s). she's almost bedridden and almost immobile, and her mannerisms remind me greatly of muhammad ali with parkinson's. its a sad sight really.

with the other neneks and atuks (or wawas) it can be equally depressing. it's quite sad when one of the actually said 'when i die don't forget to visit me okay'. another said in response to his unsteady balance and movement, 'my time is almost up already'. when we visited my maternal step-grandmother she said something about impending death too. on the first day of raya, i did my friday prayers at the alkaff mosque near potong pasir. then i noticed a coffin in the mosque. i felt so sad that the person passed away on the 1st day of hari raya. to pray for the dead on the first day of raya is quite depressing. to know a friend's grandmother passed away on the second day of raya is equally depressing. to know a friend can't spend raya with his mother is depressing too.

i'm happy that raya comes every year, but i can't escape the fact that as i get older so does everyone else, and that brings everyone closer to death. more so for those in their golden years. raya always reminds me of how much we've all changed and aged. i suspect that every raya will become more and more depressing for me, but i must remember that raya is a time of celebration and gaiety and not sadness.

well that's all for now. back to readings and more readings! selamat hari raya everyone!

reflecting now on how things could've been, it was worth it in the end.

year 4

i know i haven't blogged for more than a month. it's already the last day of august in fact.

well, i've nothing much to say. other than the fact that this semester seems to be the suckiest so far. monday-thursday i have classes, one on each day, then friday-sunday is spent trying to finish the readings. the the vicious cycle starts again on monday. i've been struggling in trying to finish the readings, and i wonder how i'm going to cope once the essays come into the equation. school sucks, life in school sucks, everyone is either gone or busy doing something else. the fasting month makes me feel even more fatigued than ever, so i hope things will really pick up once september comes around. which is tomorrow by the way. damn.

considering how disappointing it was last year, i think i deserve better this year. i don't exactly mean to say that i expect it to be much better this time round (or expect anything at all actually), but i mean i can't believe it turned out that way. i rather that hadn't happened last year, so that i would not feel aggrieved but then again it really is not my fault. i did not ask for anything, i have never asked for anything, and yet what i got despite not asking for anything was upsetting, to say the least.

sometimes i feel i'm always being misunderstood, and the point is lost altogether. but enough is enough, i've had enough. i just want to go through this semester well and unscathed, that's all that i ask for.

and if you're done with embarrassing me on your own you can go ahead, tell them.

i rest my case.

there you go making my heart beat again.

the intern

it's already the start of week 4 of the internship. by the end of week 5 i'm done with the internship. in my opinion the most important takeaway is that being a teacher is really tough - with not only teaching to contend with, but other various responsibilities as well. i think you must really love the job - i guess that's why many stay on in this line for years and years, even though they keep teaching the same things repeatedly.

it's a strange feeling to come back to my alma mater as a teacher, albeit a temporary one. the school has changed physically in many ways, but there are a few faces here and there who look awfully familiar. it is surprising to note a few who still recognise me. we've all been caught up with events like the family carnival and the upcoming 50th anniversary of my school. it's older than singapore! though we can't really match the history of other well-established schools that date back to the freaking 19th century for goodness sake! haha.

talking about teachers, yesterday i went for an primary school friend's wedding and we caught up with our old malay language teachers. only one of the three taught me - cikgu samnah. the dear old woman was a good teacher in my opinion, although in one or two aspects i disagreed with the way she handled students. but i really liked her as a teacher. so when i approached her yesterday she couldn't recognise me at the first instance, and asked me for my name instead. when i said yusri she looked at me and slapped me on the forearm. i could sense instant recognition in her eyes! *dances around with glee* haha.

the thing about me is that my face has changed quite a bit since i left primary school (or at least that's what most of the primary school people say). i think i can agree on that. well cikgu asked me where i have disappeared to all this years. it's true that i hardly came back to peiying after i left the school in 1998. i admit secondary school was so much more happening, and late hours and my band practices always kept me tied to bp. but when i said to her im in nus she straightaway muttered alhamudillah (praises to Allah), and i felt she said it earnestly.

i think many go into the teaching line for this reason - the satisfaction that they have made a difference in someone's life. many teachers have repeatedly stated that this is one of the defining reasons that they choose to teach. they know they cannot make millions as a teacher, but the cost of changing someone and moulding him to be a better and more educated person is priceless. the pride that comes with knowing that an ex-student has gone far in life is something teachers find extremely satisfying. i think they really love it when ex-students come back and say they've achieved this and that. i'm not blowing my trumpet but from my primary school batch i'm among a handful who have actually made it to university (there's probably around less than 10 of us from maybe around 40-50 malay students?). making it to university isn't something big for most people nowadays, but when looking at context it means a whole world to many people.

i think it means a whole lot to cikgu that at least a few of her students have made it to the menara gading (ivory tower). if anything she should know that she has contributed to my success really. if not for her maybe i wouldn't have improved my malay, which enabled me to get an A* for it. because of that i could get into bpghs, and most importantly i was offered to take higher malay in bpghs even though i never took it in primary school since i was from em2 stream. and taking higher malay meant i entered a better class, and most importantly mixed and befriended with people whom i consider good and close friends with up to today. because i took could take higher malay in school i could also take malay literature and did well for it in my o levels, and because i took higher malay in bp i need not take malay at jc. the knock-on effect, ladies and gentlemen, really affects me all the way till i entered jc and even nus. cikgu's role might be understated, but i am forever thankful. she really made me a better malay language student. as have my form teacher from p3 to p6, miss bong (now mrs wong), who really drilled us into better performing students. i am forever indebted and grateful to these 2 teachers.

the thing about my success, if it is to come by, is that it is obviously not only due to my own efforts. my parents, my teachers, my friends, my peers all have had a part to play. i don't know about others, but sometimes i feel i'm carrying more than my own weight of expectations on my shoulders. of course much of it is self-imagination, but i think it means a lot to a few groups of people that i do well in my endeavours. maybe i don't owe my life to anyone else, but at least i have a debt to repay to all who have had a part to play in moulding and engineering me the way i am today. especially my parents i guess.

on a less serious and studious i watched despicable me last thursday, and it was a good movie. as i've mentioned before, it takes quite an effort to make me laugh when i watch shows, and once or twice the movie actually did the trick. it was a light-hearted show that's fun to watch. but now i'm down with an irritating influenza, which meant i didn't start the week at 100%. the worse thing is that the next day the sore throat and the phlegm will start (because that is what that always happens to me every time i'm down with flu).

and holland lost the world cup. sigh. i didn't like the way they bullied spain around, but i think they had a chance to seal a win. a team that has been on a winning streak all the way from 2 years ago cannot be underestimated, but they fell short when needed the most. i told myself if holland really won it i will go and get that holland jersey with that gold star on top of its crest, but too bad i do not have to part with my $80. a valiant effort though, and at least i can't stop hearing the sniggers when i say i support the oranje. they aren't the one-trick pony, they are the real stuff.

fly like an angel heaven sent to me.

i was vacuuming my room in the morning just now the when the machine suddenly stuttered to a stop. i wondered why though, and i pressed the 'on' button again to switch it on and suddenly smoke started to billow out from its back. it reminded me of cars that break down that have smoke suddenly coming out from the front. anyway the smell was really strong and quite a lot of smoke was being emitted. all i did was to go out of my room and tell my dad the vacuum cleaner had smoke coming out. eventually the whole house was drenched with the odour of the smoke. the 10 year old vacuum cleaner finally spoilt, confirmed by the fact that it tripped the curcuits when we plugged it in and tried to switch in on. it was quite shocking to see smoke out from the vacuum cleaner - certainly it jolted me from my slumber haha.

anyway the last i blogged it was going into the 2nd week of ivp. sadly i didn't better my performance from last year - again i bowed out at the semi-finals stage. another bronze in the bag, and 2 bronzes in 2 years would probably represent stagnation. Personally i think i've come rather far from being a nobody, but i know there is always a whole lot of room for improvement. maybe next year. that's what everyone else says too. i hope they keep their word - no action no talk.

so the past few weeks have been occupied with nothing meaningful of notes. had that 33-day preparatory course for my internship, a 9 and-a-half hours karaoke session (from 1230pm to 9pm!), and several days spent going out here and there. and making time to read books in between, and playing winning 11..

oh and of course - watching the world cup. i'm supporting the oranje this time round, like i did in 2006, though i hope they do better this time round. actually to be honest i don't really support them, 'cos i don't really really have a side that i fancy. i do have an affinity towards the netherlands, but that's about it. but let's just take it that i support them then haha. well there have been many upsets so far - the most significant is that the 2 finalists from the previous edition of the world cup are out! that also means there will be a new world champion too. starting next week though, i won't really be able to watch as many games as i would like to considering the fact that my i've to report daily at 725am for the next 5 weeks. though i won't want to miss the final - a point i've adhered to since world cup 1998. the final match would be on early monday morning, so i will have to schedule my sleeping schedule accordingly.

the other day i was almost tempted to waste 80bucks on their away jersey, which i thought was very nice, but i didn't in the end. fab bought the ghana jersey though, which cost 89bucks. we later went through piles of old jerseys, and he bought another 2 while i couldn't find any that had my size. i nearly bought a bolton jersey, but fab did ask a good question - who would ever want to buy a bolton jersey? and i replied, bolton fans la. an apt answer. i realised that if i was going to buy that bolton jersey, it was only because it had my size and at 29bucks it was dirt cheap. not really because i was a bolton fan anyway. luckily later on i actually used my head to think, and instead i go myself a white drifit polo tee at 23 bucks - something much more practical than any bolton jersey haha.

so the internship starts next week, and i'm somewhat looking forward to how things will pan out. it's quite exciting at times, but i know there will be plenty of challenges. might as well make the time and effort worthwhile. at least some of the teachers do actually still remember me. haha.

hanyalah satu yang bertakhta di hatiku.

ivp

the last i blogged was i think 3 weeks ago. in those 3 weeks the most awesome-est of stuffs happened.

the week that was 2 weeks ago was the most fun and meaningful that i've had. a coffee session with an old friend from my ns days, a day trip to jb with the silat people, a karaoke and supper session with my jc classmates, and a picnic at botanical gardens and then dinner with my primary school friends - all within a week. i'm thankful i still meet up regularly (i think once or twice a year is considered regular enough) with these different groups of people. i think the value of such meet-ups cannot be underestimated. it is the rekindling of old ties, the remembrance and commemoration of old deeds and occurrances, and opportunities to further strengthen existing ties, and still be able to laugh about each other. priceless, i assure you.

in the space of 3 weeks all i've been doing was going to school for training, and just playing games at home in between. i made it through the first round last weekend for ivp, though tomorrow it's the quarter-finals and potentially the semi-finals later on. i'm not exactly psyched up for things, but i shall find my own ways to motivate myself.

2 days ago i got silver for ippt! surprisingly i got 21 points, at least 2 points higher than i could ever achieve even during my ns days. the 2.4km run was excruciating - the only thing that kept spurring me on was that i was not going to be happy if i only managed a pass for the timing and not the silver standard - a difference of $100 mind you! so i pushed and pushed and i barely made the cut - 7 seconds more and i would have gotten only $100. as usual when one goes for ippt one will notice old men and fathers with round bellies struggling to clear the ippt. i'm thankful i still have a bit of youth on my side and my silat trainings at least condition my body better for gruelling physical sessions, even if i don't think i'm that fit.

my exam results were good i would say, since i equalled my best-performing semester, which was way back in my 1st ever semester. i'm thankful for that too, considering i was taking the real estate module that i've been cursing about on my blog in the past few months. yet surprisingly i got an a for that, the best result overall. i really wonder how bad one must do for the exams for that module, since i didn't even finish the paper, which constituted 60% of the overall grade, and i believei scored 0 for participation marks in tutorial. jerome says don't question good fortune, but i mean i still want to know how bad one must do to get a bad score. sometimes we do so much yet we achieve so little.

so i've supposedly conquered the many battles - the 1st weekend of ivp, my ippt, my exam results. next up is tomorrow and potentially sunday. one at a time, slowly does it i guess. once that is over a little while more time to rest before the next challenge - teaching. it's isn't particularly a career option for me, but it is an avenue to spend my holidays on something meaningful and on something that pays well. haha. oh well, by the looks of things i think it's english and history for me. but we'll see about that.

back to research on the thesis paper! i've already thought of the title somewhat, and i hope that's enough to kickstart this arduous journey.

it's a quarter after one, i'm all alone and i need you now.

romanov

when i was 4 my sister came into this world. i don't remember the exact events that occurred during that exact day, but all i remember was i didn't particularly enjoy the lunch that my dad cooked for that day before we headed to the hospital. my mom had checked in earlier, and it was apparent that even in times like that i still preferred mum's cooking. suffice to say that was the last time i think i ever tasted dad's cooking - not that he ever cooked, as far as i remember. but i digress.

i talk about my sister because in the past few weeks i keep staring at her baby photos. i swear that she's the cutest most adorable baby ever. she had cheeks much chubbier than i did - to the point that when viewed from some angles her cheeks sort of blocked her eyes even. mom used to say my sister kept 2 pears on either side on her mouth inside. but she was really one adorable baby - every single time i stare at those photos i cannot help but smile. because her expressions were either expressionless (which was typical of my photos up till now) or always full of smiles. and in those photos she really looks adorable with those toothless smiles and that bald head of hers.

i was very happy and excited when my mom conceived a younger sister. i think many photos showed me posing with her, and i can sense that in the photographs i really liked to take photos with her. i would like to think that i really adored and loved her to bits. although maybe when we grew older my temper always made her cry, and i did ravage abuses at her in my fits of anger. my poor sister. i wonder how she feels, knowing that she has a brother with a hot temper and one who was much smarter academically than her.

when i was 9 or 10 i asked my mom for another sibling and the reply was - 'we can't, we don't have the money'. from then on my queries about having another sibling took on joking tones rather than hopeful ones. but maybe that was a another reason - why want another when i can't even treat her well? in the recent weeks that i've glossed over her baby photos i ended up tearing or crying, probably because of the guilt that i could have and should have been a better brother.

maybe if i had helped her in her studies she wouldn't lag far behind that much. maybe if i didn't lose my temper so easily maybe i would have earned more respect. i do care for her, but maybe it is not enough. i know she once blogged about her dissatisfaction with me and my laziness in the house, but who can blame her? i hope she knows that i care in other ways. when i reach home every day the first thing i do is check her room and ask my mom where she was if she wasn't home. i've bought many things for her, from her running shoes to bags to small things like waffles from the bakery. if my mom last time asked me to fetch her from her kindergarten i would glady do so. mom says i'll ever only have a sister that i will have to care for as my parents pass off from the scene and as we grow older. hence i must learn how to treat her better. i hope i can take on that mantle. i think every sibling only wants the best for their other sisters and brothers, and so do i. God help me become a better brother.

On another note examinations period is long over. for the first time i felt mostly relaxed throughout the whole period - despite risking getting a poor grade for the damned real estate module. other than that i wouldn't say i am confident, but i think the whole period wasn't that pressurising. earlier this week i consulted my professor on possible topics for my honours thesis, and i hope my eventual chosen topic will be a form of salvation for me. i need something engaging for me to want to do research on.

the past few days have been wasted doing either totally nothing or spent training silat. when nothing is on i am usually at home playing winning 11 non-stop from noon to midnight, with prayer and lunch breaks in between (thank God for prayers, if not seriously i would totally forget religion). i just only finished reading steve berry's the romanov prophecy, upon the reccomendation of a friend. a very good book. i really enjoy thrillers that mix real history and fiction, so cue dan brown and steve berry for now. the romanov prophecy involves re-reading excerpts of russia's romanov's past and it is really intriguing. russia's history, whether its communist or its tsarist past, if extremely fascinating to me. the book revived my interest in russian history, at least for a while.

so my holidays will be quite packed. i have training, than the competition at the end of the month. in between will be class outings, maybe a bit of prawning and karaoke slotted here and there. i hope to read up for my thesis, and also bring myself to watch those dvds that i've held on to from other people for at least 2 and a half years. goodness. it doesn't help that i think a flu is developing, but i hope i'll be fine. unless the ensuing sickness can help me lose 2 kg, then i wouldn't mind! haha.

on another i would just like to point out that summarising and simplifying, to the point of twisting words, are totally different processes and they obviously produce different outcomes. the careless and naive tongue is of no good to the owner.

and everyone should know their place in this world. maybe one day posers will come to their senses.

you own the place where all my thoughts go hiding.

the song that never ends

is this the end?

i would argue no, and so would a few others. i just want to say that at the end of the day i have been misunderstood yet again.

i think there is a difference between finding something interesting and being interested in something (or someone for that matter). go figure the difference.

secondly i don't understand what is the meaning of these words - 'i finally realised that you didn't mean to do all those things'... for heaven's sake whatever gave you the idea that i was being 'robbed or 'stolen' away from you? if this sort of accusation is not upsetting enough, i don't know why you assumes that she has been alright all this while.

i don't see a solution anyway so i'll just shut up after this. with you being selfish and me being stubborn, i don't want to care already.

on a better note i'm sort of halfway through my examinations. many of my friends seem to finish way earlier than i do (i finish only on thursday). well there's not really much to look forward to anyway even after exams end. what of next academic year? i can't wait for it to start, though it seems i'll withdraw more and more into my invisible tortoise shell that i've seemed to develop in the past academic year. no thanks to you, i should add.

okay i shall stop digging up the past already, before the audience feels that i'm going too far in raking up the past. i just want to let off some steam that has built up inside me somewhere. fortunately the studying groove hasn't been affected.

i won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound.

in reponse to your note i shall reply here instead. since i have been deleted from your msn and facebook realms that there is no point in me using that medium to reply.

firstly i acknowledge i have been insensitive and immature myself in handling issues. but i just want to make it clear - i might never understand your pain, i know you are going through a lot, but if you think i'm not going through pain then that's wrong. like i said before, do you think i take pride in breaking someone's heart? it is not a nice feeling - and i will carry this guilt around. since the start of last semester i have basically withdrawn into my shell - because i have been disillusioned with what people have been talking about, the accompanying murmurs, your antics etc. during that period all i have done was to shut my trap and not do anything much, and even that i have been criticised for.

tell me what you want me to do? you deleted me from your online realm, and it is a clear indication that you don't want me around. then later you ask me why i do not talk to you. then after that nothing much, then suddenly you come and talk to me again. and all this while i have remained quiet. frankly your behaviour has been erratic to say the least. has much changed? i would say no. even if you 'rehabilitate' my supposed 'loyalists' from my 'camp', i would say that the damage is irreversible. you have good friends, friends who look out for you and advise you on matters, so i would urge you to listen to them. they want the best for you, and so do i. my hand has been forced because i cannot take it that even after so long my friends are being given the cold shoulder (at least of when i blogged about this last month). i cannot take it that not much has changed since almost a year ago, even though i have really not done much to antagonise things. if anything they have been of pure coincidental in nature.

by blogging about this i have shown how ugly and cruel i can be, but it doesn't matter. i have generally kept quiet and just let out my frustrations on my blog, and then suddenly i'm blamed for raking up the past. i don't get it when you cannot try to history remain as such, and then it is me who is blamed for raking up the past. while i have kept quiet and kept to myself it has been ample time for you to sort yourself out, but even after all this while things remain like nothing has changed. what else do you expect me to do?

i have always remained like this - sitting back, not doing anything, letting you have all the space you want. and me? i just keep my own frustrations to myself, ranting it on my blog once in a while. what else do you demand of me? i'm really at a loss. you want us to be like how we were when we first became friends, yet it seems i don't exist to you. you say you are trying, but that has been the rhetoric since the beginning.

i am not begging you to add me back on msn or what, please, i have greater dignity than that. i just want you to walk the talk. and believe that destiny will bring you good things if you want to believe in it. on my part i have not done much (or anything, for that matter) because i don't want to make things potentially harder or more difficult for me, you and the people around us. i can carry on and disappear like i have been doing all this while, it's fine. for me whatever happens life carries one, and i believe that in the end you will find your path to happiness too. i just hope you will believe in that.

arsenal

i am pissed enough to take time off my busy schedule just to blog away my frustations.

if you happened to tune in to the wigan-arsenal match you would understand why. throwing away a 2-0 lead to lose a game 3-2 to a club fighting against relegation is completely unacceptable. it's fine if one lost to barcelona or even spurs, but against wigan when you are 2-0 up is completely ridiculous. i've always thought that arsenal should never win anything this season - so that wenger would do good on his promise in actually restructuring the squad, after saying that if this batch failed this season he would admit that his policy had failed. which i think it did.

i don't get it why it is so hard to get a good goalkeeper and able defenders. Fabianski let in a goal that came through the centre (mind you, the centre, not the sides) of the goal and can't even catch the ball properly. he completely doesn't inspire confidence in defence and is still weak at crosses. almunia is decent, but lacks that extra edge to be top-notch. if wenger opens his eyes properly he can actually see that europe has quite a number of good goalkeepers. Good defenders can also come at cheap prices, and yet ironically for a squad so young three out of its four centrebacks are old enough to buy a hdb flat if they are single. what sort of a policy is that? silvestre, despite scoring, can't even hold his ground - and wenger thinks his experience can be beneficial to the youngsters? what nonsense. he'll only be passing on crap advice to the youngsters. i don't rate gallas that highly either.

even the defensive midfield part is too lightweight. song has improved a lot, but not enough, and denilson is even worse. he can't make his presence felt, and that was why barcelona completely overrun the arsenal midfield. a good defensive midfielder isn't that expensive also you know, i'm not kidding. if wenger's scouting network is so good i wonder why a brazilian is being played at the defensive midfielder position. it's ridiculous.

i'm fine with the midfield and attacking midfield options, although i think they tend to be too elaborate and casual at times. just that i think we need a more aggressive striker. for all the goals bendtner has scored he has an extremely poor first touch for a striker (when you need 2 or 3 touches like he does to get the ball under control it means you are really poor). anyway bendtner doesn't offer much options either other than using his huge-ass empty head to head balls in. arsenal really need a quality striker to able to step in when van persie is out, or to complement him. eduardo is completely past it, and vela looks like he's never going to fulfil the potential he supposedly has.

i've supported arsenal for 12 years already, but this season has been the most exasperating so far i think. the team plays like it has nothing to play for already, which i find irritating. i hope a radical structuring of the squad will take place, if not i really think wenger has not learnt his lesson well. it takes guts to admit that he has made mistakes in his tactics and selection, but i think for the sake of the club and the supporters i think he must quash his ego a little bit.

okay dah.

let me talk to you for a minute wenger, shut up shut up.

moe

exams in one-a-half weeks' time yet i'm not revising properly. days haven been spent playing winning eleven, going out to shop and dine with friends, and even a laser quest session just now. i feel very lethargic nowadays and i really can't wait for the semester to end and for my final year to start. i actually cannot wait for the time when i can finally focus on my major modules and being able to research and and do a thesis on my area of interest. can't wait for that.

on another note i got rejected for the mfa internship. i don't know if i was not aggressive enough during my interview, or that there were really other better and able candidates on offer. on the bright side of things i actually got that moe internship (i just only got the email). i was offered the 5th choice (out of 5 choices actually). i applied to do my internship at several jcs, but i got the last choice - my former secondary school. haha. oh well, at least i will be able to see how the new building is like. been a good 8 years since i left secondary school.

the last silat friendly happened last sunday, and i didn't fight that well. i must buck up, but the one thing i'm happy is that i'm attempting to try new techniques to vary my style of play. there's still a lot of work to do, but i think its very important to vary my techniques. i'm a fairly slow player, so i gotta work on that too. on a side note it was depressing to see farah getting injured rather badly. to hear screams or teammates just crumbling to the ground in agony is heartbreaking. when i see such scenes suddenly i think of the horror on the faces of the arsenal players after the injuries to eduardo and ramsey. i think i sort of understand the psychological impact of witnessing such injuries - to the injured and to those who witness. it can be potentially damaging to the team morale seeing such horrific injuries. i feel sad for farah, and i hope she recovers quickly. go syasya! haha.

on another note i just want to comment on recent personal happenings which i find rather unsettling. i will ramble, so you readers have been warned. haha.

firstly i just want to comment that when i'm quoted i hope i'm quoted verbatim - or at least i hope my words are not distorted. when i make it clear that what i say is A, i really wish that i'm not quoted as saying B. this sort of thing gets me down very easily, because when people don't sieve emotions through the mind that's when irrationality sets in - causing people to think of things that actually isn't happening is happening, when in actual fact it's far from the truth. and this is linked to distortion of speeches that many people indulge in.

secondly i agree that i'm not perfect. it's right to blame me for anything that i have done wrong, because the actions result from me. but i think it is fair to say i feel my friends shouldn't be dragged in together and being treated as pariahs together along with me. in any case we are all not in our teens anymore - old enough to recognise that there are certain things, attitudes, emotions, and feelings that should be left behind back in the secondary school and jc days. obviously i'm not vouching for myself that i'm so matured even if i am that old. and i find no excuse even along gendered lines i feel that allow girls leeway on this and that, and guys for leeway on this and that matter.

thirdly, i've grown to realise that every occurrences have lessons for us to learn from. i have learnt many lessons, some wonderful and some painful, from what i have gone through - and they help shape my character and worldview. one thing is for sure - i am fatalistic to a fairly large extent, and i believe that God only has good things in store for people who strive to do something about their lives. while we work hard in our everyday endavours, i think many people forget that as muslims it is central to believe in the destiny that He has mapped out for us - whether we like or not. don't ask me if it is fair that God has destined certain people to be poor, rich, criminals, homosexuals, cancer-bearing etc etc, that is not what should be questioned. the point is this - it's not even about respecting God's destiny, but a muslim should accept destiny, and the belief that if i strive to work hard and be a good muslim i know things will turn out good for me. belief in destiny is central to islamic faith. if we don't want to accept destiny then i don't see how one can be a good person, much less a good muslim in life.

lastly i've said this time and time again - i really believe in the social work mantra, that people can help you but only you can help yourself.

generally speaking i don't like to antagonise people, and i don't want to make things awkward for myself and for the people around me. i think i don't know how else to handle certain delicate matters, as i feel i've exhausted all my options. and so have others. i think the ball has always been in the other court for a very long time. issues like these get me upset and upset my friends too, so i hope matters will be resolved. once that threshold has been breached - then all will fall into place.

with issues like this life becomes mundane and draggy, and there's really nothing much to look forward to. even ivp and the holidays don't look like they can give my mood a boost.

but you are the only exception.

mfa

1) the flu and sore throat plus phlegm thing has been bothering me for the past week, and today i still feel a tad lethargic and weak. this sucks when i'm sparring twice tomorrow.

2) my left calf is annoying painful, and it doesn't seem like it will recover by tomorrow. it took an unfortunate blow in training yesterday, and if i have to limp a few steps first after getting up from sitting down or lying down then i wonder how i will pull through tomorrow.

3) i got rejected for that internship.

4) me and my group mates have absolutely no idea how to properly tackle the debate motion, "What was rational in the early 20th century European knowledge system became irrational at the end of the century." i get lost completely in abstract terms like postmodernism, existentialism, and i'm researching on Foucault. that's just wonderful.

5) arsenal got drawn with barcelona. the sort of draw that would completely hinder arsenal's progress.

you turned my life around, you picked me up when i was down.

jack neo

arguably the biggest news that has gripped town this past week is that of director jack neo's affair. you can see many parallels with the tiger woods fiasco - although jack neo isn't that famous, nor is he that rich, or good looking, or plays golf. okay then scrap the parallels part then.

but seriously - how often do you such things happening in singapore? it just takes a small spark to cause the whole edifice to crumble. who knew he was such an asshole? haha. though i must say singapore hasn't got that 'mistress' culture - by that i mean the public accepts that such things like cheating and affairs is prevalent in the entertainment circles and people lap up such stories with glee, like how they do in the us and the uk. on top of that these mistresses, when the media approaches them to reveal it all, make a killing out of such stories. unfortunately what we've gotten is a public backlash against jack neo, and also against the 2-year mistress. if wendy thought she could make a killing from divulging such stories - i think she's extremely naive.

on to wendy. firstly i think she's rather ugly. secondly, i cannot fathom why she identifies herself as a model first, then actress next. she might be a part-time actress, but is she a full-time model? one of the new paper columnists wrote that it was no wonder singapore's modelling industry is in the doldrums, when we have models with the looks wendy has. but then again for all you know, she could be, as jj described it, a 'hand' model - only her hands appear with the soap or cleansing cream on tv ads. but seriously, no offence to wendy, but it really is a joke if she really identifies herself as a model. goodness knows why she wanted to confront his wife anyway. and she said she called the media to document the whole thing to punish jack neo, but didn't fathom it will lead to all this. for goodness sake - either shes stupid, or i'm stupid. i don't think i am, so it's the former then. it's true - she's only 22 and still immature and naive. don't get me wrong - jack is an asshole if all these allegations are true, but i think wendy went too far. pardon my my strong stance here - i still cannot take it that she identifies herself as a model. haha.

on another note the past 2 weeks have been kind to me. i managed to get through the hellish week well, and this past week has been markedly relaxed for me. but i think things are coming along fine - i managed to do much of the real estate finance tutorial just now! what is more amazing is that i sort of self-taught myself, even though it took hours. but i don't mind really. and the past 2 weeks have been rejuvenating too. in the sense that i think i've gotten a clearer picture of what my future might turn out to be.

there are those plans for internships during the coming holidays. the other day while showering in the evening a sudden thought struck me - a topic or at least an area of focus for my honours thesis. i have some concrete thoughts on my post-graduation plans also. so far so good i think.

so for now i'll just carry on with what i'm doing. although, seriously, i need to drop 3kg somehow. how to do that while maintaining current dietary habits? i probably must start running soon, but i know that won't really happen haha.

on another note i just want to say this - that so far in these world, there are 3 types of people that i totally have no time for:

1) people who i hate

2) people who hate me

3) people who have a fucked up attitude (in general, specifically it's hard to define)

a clean sweep of all 3 would totally mean that you're quite fucked up. you're lucky only 2 of them apply to you.

when the stars go blind, and the darkness starts to flood your eyes,

when you're falling behind, i will carry you.

myself

the past two weeks have been rather eventful. it's been two weeks right since i last blogged? okay it doesn't matter.

yusri the clumsy idiot

last monday there was this incident when i was walking to the toilet, where along the way one had to walk past this door and go down a flight of stairs to the toilet. the thing about the door is that it's really in the blind spot corner - when you turn left to and left again into the flight of stairs the door can just open in your face. that was what that happened to me. i was looking to my right when i walked past the door which was on my left - and the next thing i know some hard thing slammed right into my skull. for a split second i felt i was asleep or something like that, but when the pain suddenly shot through i sort of 'regained' consciousness. the girl who swung the door open repeatedly apologised, but i said it was fine. it wasn't fine actually, but i don't think the weight and the force of the swing cracked my skull or anything like that. i can still think properly so yes.

the very next day, in that same toilet which i was heading to when i got slammed in the skull, i was taking my abolution. i was washing my feet from the tap, and then i heard someone come in to the toilet so i looked back to see who it was. well, in the process of twisting my body, which was already in an awkward position (my right feet off the floor and under the tap as i was rinsing it), my left leg couldn't hold the weight of my body. coupled with the slippery nature of the floor, i actually slipped and fell slowly onto the floor as i tried to grope around for something to hold on to. but in the end i still fell, on my left knee at that. anyway i didn't know who was it that walked in, but when he saw the fall he smiled and laughed politely, but i managed to help myself get up on my feet. luckily the joint hurt only for a day maximum. if anything i really had a wretched start to the week.

yusri the smart-looking person

i admit i don't dress well most of the time, and it's true. although for the past academic year, i've been conciously trying to do something about it - no more drifit tshirts to class, no more wearing slippers more than shoes for the whole week - that sort of thing. well the past week was islamic awareness week, and i signed up as a facilitator. apparently the dress code involved wearing a tie and geeky spectacles. so i opted to wear shirts to sch (for the first time that i did wear them without the intention to go out after that), and with that i put on my funky purple specs as well to avoid wearing geeky specs. i think it was sort of groundbreaking - i think freaking everyone had to say something about the specs or the whole look - positive ones mostly haha. though i don't have that many shirts to wear really, but in any case apparently the specs make me look smarter. but well, i prefer to look abit dorkier than i really am i suppose. haha. anyway yes, my glasses are real ones.

yusri the cheapskate shopper

have you ever looked through your wardrobe and actually think how much of the things you bought were on sale? i've come to realise that for all my tops and pants - at least 90-95% of the were bought either on offer (like buy two for a lesser price etc) or carried discounted prices. i just bought a tshirt yesterday for $10, and its original price was $49.90. i'm not really crazy about bargain-hunting, but i do try to look out for things on sale. call me a cheapskate or anything - all i can say is i'm not of the upper class so this is what i do best.

yusri as the one who lives up to the meaning of his name.

my name means ease. ease of what or ease with regards to what i'm not sure really. i do try to take things easy, for those who know me really i can be easy-going. a lot of things in this life is not easy to do or accomplish, but i try to tell myself in many cases that it is easy and that i can do this. i recognise that i am a person of limited abilities (especially when it comes to hands-on skills), so i try to pacify myself with the fact that i should really take things slowly as they come - because this is how God has created me. there are very few things which i find easy to do, but i would rather choose to focus on them and think of them as making up who and what i am today. maybe i am not meant to do other things, which incidentally i am very poor at. but i believe in the goodness of the Lord - and i am thankful that my life in general, has been one that is full of ease.

there's still a little bit of your song in my ear.

island creamery

it's the end of recess week of school and the start of the longest stretch of schooling weeks i've had so far.

i don't see why there is a need for my school to bring forward the recess week by a week. i don't think it's really because of chinese new year per se. i think the school is just kiasee (i.e. scared to die). if the school stuck with the normal system (the recess week starting after week 6), then that would mean on top of the recess week, 2 more valuable working days (monday and tuesday in week 5 would have been lost to chinese new year). this sort of kiasu and kiasee attitude has pervaded the school so much that it could not risk losing those 2 precious days, since semester 2 has more public holidays than semester 1 does. this sort of workaholic attitude will one just drive everyone nuts i tell you. it's no surprise at all that singapore ranks lowly on the happiness index. why would anyone be happy at the current stress levels the average student or worker is facing, and yet the mantra is to keep productivity levels up and better them evetually.

anyway weird stuffs keep happening. the other day we were at island creamery at serene centre, and we were staring at the ice cream display to choose the flavours. suddenly a man walked in and right in front of us and was looking at the display as well for a good few seconds. he then looked at us and pointed to pulut hitam and gestured a thumbs-up, and suggested we should try it. right after that he actually turned right and exited the store. if you ask me that was totally random but i chose pulut hitam anyway, and it was not too bad.

when i paid the money to the cashier i was due 50 cents change, and the cashier placed the coin on the counter but behind a small advertising stand on the counter. i found it weird that he didn't give it straight to me, so i had to reach out behind the small stand to get my change back. but by then the cashier realised his mistake and promptly picked the coin up and handed it to me. i think he was a newbie, probably 1st day on the job? either that or my presence really made him nervous somehow. haha. yesterday there was this man in the train who walked to and fro from the ends of the train carriage, while gesturing to himself in an orchestra conductor sort of way. he was clearly nuts since he paced up and down the carriages the whole time he was on the train. i've had my fair share of seeing weirdos show their talents in trains especially, so here's another to add to that collection.

well the recess week zoomed past that quickly. a lot of time was spent on going out with friends and having fun, and little time spent on studying. it's going to be such a long stretch from week 6 all the way to week 13, plus reading week and examinations week. not exactly looking forward to things.

when i look into your eyes i see something money can't buy.

it's past 7pm and i'm stuck in school in the computer lab. okay not exactly stuck. class ended close to 6pm but i really hate going home during the rush hour. it's annoying, and i can't really imagine having to face all that crowd when i work in the future. it's cold here in the lab, and to while the time away i watched football highlights of major matches over the weekend.

arsenal lost yet again - i've said many times i believe in wenger's philosophy of football, but sometimes abit of scientific knowledge and experience might come in handy. lightweight and short players cannot cope against burly, brusque and tall players most of the time - i think it's quite common-sensical. for all the talent and potential the squad is dripping with - it doesn't necessarily translate into actual success. i think many players have been given chance after chance and yet they have yet to fulfil their fullest potential - names like walcott, vela, denilson come to mind. gallas sucks by the way. i still believe that the squad need a good and proper centre-back, a proper defensive midfielder and a good out and out striker. if he really wants to buy a good striker, try higuain. like seriously.

the last week was crazy - crazy in the sense 2 funny and ridiculous things happened to me. last wednesday i was in the library browsing through books when i had this sudden stomachache - i really needed to crap there and then. so i rushed for the nearest toilet, and i went to the only cubicle that had a tap and a pipe. unfortunately the latch of the door of that very cubicle, to put it simply, was unworkable. so the door couldn't be locked or even closed tightly at all. to make it worse it was a squat toilet. i'm sorry but i'm no fan of wiping my ass with roll after roll of toilet paper, so no compromise on that part.

what i did was to hang my jeans on the hook on the door, and while i squatted to shit i tugged hard at my jeans so that the door would close at tightly as possible. smart huh? haha. all the time i was shitting i had to pull hard at my jeans so that the door would not creak open. and all this while praying that no one would try open the door. haha. although the tricky part came with the cleaning the ass part - and unfortunately some idiot actually opened the door when i was cleaning my ass and the moment i felt the door was opening i tugged hard at my jeans to force the door shut. i don't think he saw anything though haha. i had to manage making sure the door was shut as tightly as possible while at the same time cleaning myself up. an impossible task made possible out of necessity. the lesson learnt is that don't ever shit in that toilet in the library - the latch is there but it can't lock the door. what a joke.

then last friday i was at alexandra arch, the bridge right beside hortpark that traverses alexandra road. it was at around 8+ at night, and we were there camwhoring. so it led to taking jumpshots on the bridge. i did a few, and then i did a flying kick to the front. what happened? the right side of my shoe came off - and up it flew into the air. i traced the trajectory of the parabolic curve that the flight of my shoe took - it when up and very high over me and over the bridge (gasps!) and down it fell on to alexandra road. there was a second or two of disbelief over what just happened - and the next thing i know we were racing down the bridge to go retrieve the shoe.

i ran down with only the left side of my shoe on - and thankfully i spotted my shoe from the pavement. there it was, sitting prettily on the right turning lane of the road. close to the central divider of the road. i don't think any vehicles ran over it. i feared that it might have landed on some double-decker bus or a lorry - and goodness knows how long before anyone would discover the presence of a shoe on top of it. worse, maybe it could have caused some driver to swerve and cause some major accident. well thankfully none of those scenarios happened, so i dashed across the road to retrieve the shoe and dashed back - all in double-quick time. it was then followed by long periods of laughter at the ludicrity of the whole thing. haha. lesson learnt? never do jumpshots when you are wearing loose shoes - especially atop a bridge. and never on henderson waves - it's at least 15 storeys high! anyway this story shall be term yusri and the adventure of the flying shoe. haha.

2 more ridiculous stories to add to the vast collection that i already have. haha. what's next i wonder.

another day to sing about the magic that was you and me.

this is the first time ever in school that i'm taking a module i totally have no sound basic knowledge in and i foresee a momentous struggle to ensue in the coming weeks. it's called real estate finance.

not many people talked in the first tutorial session, and halfway through the class i remarked to jerome that "either these people totally know their stuffs so well that they don't have to question the tutor, or they are completely clueless like i am". by the end of the class i'm pretty sure it's the former. i'm not a defeatist in this sense really - to drop this module at a point where i haven't really put in much effort to determine if i can actually make something out of this would be premature. though i must do something about this, if not there is a chance i will score very lowly at the end.

for this module though i've been scanning a bit through online articles on HDB flat prices. i didn't know it's quite a hot issue now, with the high prices of resale flats especially dominating the headlines. the resurgent economy has led to a spillover effect to the property market sector, both the private and the public it seems. unsurprisingly the fact that the exorbitant prices of resale flats in the current climate, coupled with oversubscription (means supply lesser than demand) of the government's latest BTO projects, have led to disgruntlement and dissatisfaction among certain sections of the populace. it seems many are complaining about the lack of government help for low to middle income families, and young couples who cannot afford such prices. but this is juxtaposed against a select group of people who are willing to fork out up to 6-digit cash-over-valuation (COVs) premiums - thus one can use the colloquial term here 'spoil market' to describe this scenario.

personally this trend is disturbing - of course, like the economic boom and bust cycles, the property and real estate markets operate the same way too. but trends like this are a source of worry. inflation is surely set to soar. with increasing demand, influx of foreigners and new citizens, coupled with the fact that this city-state cannot continue to reclaim land forever - prices will surely rocket. i worry (maybe it's ahead of my time, i admit) that i might not be able to afford a matrimonial home by the time i am ready to get hitched. i think it's sad if i get married yet i only can manage to upkeep a matrimonial room that was once my own messy bedroom. living with the parents, honestly, is not an option i would like to consider once i get hitched. and buying a home is not the end - there is still the maintenance fees, the renovation costs, the loans to pay off etc. and we haven't even gotten started on the fact that married couples usually reproduce too. if one's finances have been spent on the home, then what is left for the kids?

some of my friends want to remain 16 or 18 forever. i would prefer staying at 21 or 23 as long as i can, i guess. but more importantly, i think many don't really want to grow up so soon and face real-world issues so fast. at least being a student at this age somewhat allows us to shirk responsibilities that grown-ups have to face, yet we are old enough not to be treated like a child. i want to grow older, but i want to grow older knowing that i can secure enough moolahs to guarantee a comfortable, stable and happy life. money talks. it certainly does, nowadays and especially in singapore.

on a less serious note the past few weeks i've seen weird stuffs and happenings all around, but i've forgotten many. last week i was walking on the pavement when i noticed this van - it was repeatedly honking intermittently for no apparent reason, even when it stopped at the junction. upon closer observation, i saw that the honk was spoilt. the driver was actually struggling to press the horn to actually prevent the honk from blaring, and at the same time try and manage the steering wheel and the gears to drive. what a bizarre situation.

on another occasion in the train there was this malay guy whom i noticed was dressed nicely, until i looked at his shoes. his shoes were black with red trimmings at the sides, but the shoes were in the shape of his feet - he could actually wriggle his toes individually (okay maybe for toes its independently, or whatever) while in those shoes. it's like those socks with separate rooms for each toe. haha pardon my poor description, but i think you get the idea. for all the uniqueness of his strange-looking shoes, it completely didn't match his attire i felt. oh well. i'm not much of a fashionista anyway haha.

a reason for all that i do - and the reason is you.

nightcycling

today's post will be random thoughts and reflections of the past week.

week 1 of school has been okay - although i'm abit annoyed because i cannot print all the readings and materials at one go since some of the reading lists only contain book titles and no chapters included. that would take time to trawl through all the books. and this time round i'm using more textbooks than i've ever needed in a single semester. plus the notes i'm due to print - looks like 200 bucks is going down the drain this semester alone to fulfill my educational needs. haha.

i've started school already, but not this particular friend of mine. i ran into him on friday and asked him where he's been and what modules he's taking this time round. you know, the usual catching-up questions. his reply caught me off-guard. he said he's taking a break off from school because he doesn't have the finances to support his schooling, so he needs to work to find the cash. apparently last semester's fees are still owed to the school, though he could still view his exam results. i think the school is trying to work out some plan for him to ensure that he can carry on with his studies.

after we parted ways i couldn't help but feel pitiful for him. i think it is extremely sad if one has to stop or take a break from school just because one doesn't have enough financial means. i feel even sadder actually, for many of us who have the means and the opportunity to study hard especially in university, yet we don't make full use of it. i think there are many who do not fully appreciate how fortunate they are by already having a place in university, yet they while away their days fooling around and not putting in effort in work and take things for granted. i think that's very sad. if not for being less well-off, i really believe there are many out there who, given the chance, would love to have a shot at studying in university and doing well. this encounter with my friend has suddenly given me a sort of a wake-up call - that i should work hard in my studies as an undergraduate in the absence of any sort of financial burden. i still have to push hard even if my cap will not budge that much - but i have to believe.

last friday i also paid a visit to the doctor in school for the third time in 3 weeks. the 1st two visits at the polyclinic was for the feet rash that i had (which is still persisting damn it!), but last friday i went to the doctor because my mucus contained blood now and then for the past week. so he checked whether my nasal area was painful etc, then he took a metal tweezer of sorts and pushed against the inside walls of my nostrils to get a better look. then he said i had an inflamed nose. well i don't know about him, but i know my nostrils are as hairy as they come. yet through that thick foliage of nostril hair he could determine what was the cause of the bleeding. though i must admit - it's quite shocking to see blood mixed in my mucus discharge. last week i was coughing for a few days and my phlegm was dark green, light green and black-red at times. scary as hell.

yesterday night was the muslim society nightcycling event. i rather enjoyed it very much. i was co-facilitator with izzati, and we were assigned to team apex. i think everyone had fun just cycling up and down slopes and having a good laugh at each other - like when we were trying to practice our jumpshots for the camera, or just laughing off each others' cranky comments or actions when each and everyone of us began to lose sanity. as usual the groin area ached because the bicycle seat was rock hard.

just a few moments ago i noticed a red a3 piece of vanguard under my computer table - a drawing of the eiffel tower. and at the top it wrote 'md yusri bin md supiyan, 5b'. haha. i can't believe it's still around. a drawing way back from 1997, when i was 11. this masterpiece, if i remember correctly, is the cover for my art and craft file then. i think it got torn off from the file itself, but this piece miraculously survived - it survived us shifting place from yishun to woodlands! goodness only knows how, and i don't know who placed it here. i think it's my mom. haha. anyway it was graded b. i simply cannot draw, but i know i remember where the inspiration to draw the eiffel tower came from. haha.

i've seen a few weird things this week already. you know what's the weirdest of the all? yesterday we cycled past kfc at bugis, and inside there was a topless chinese man (looked 40s or 50s to me) walking around inside kfc itself. yes inside. it was close to 3am. and i thought chickens only rise at sunrise to do that cockle doo-a-doo thing.

'cause you're the only one who can get me on my feet - and i can't even dance.

sick

school starts once again tomorrow and the cough and flu that has plagued me since friday persists.

at least the flu has cleared up but the mucus, like the river, always flows. discharge of phlegm is still noted with almost every cough, but at least the funny colours that appear in the phlegm have sort of disappeared. i'm thankful that i wasn't down with a fever - not really because that would totally rule me out of the silat barbecue last friday night. but more importantly, i'm pathetic when i'm down with a fever. my motor skills and movement slow down greatly, and all i can do effectively is lie down in bed all day. i don't know how some people can still carry on with their daily routines even with the fever raging - when i'm down with fever the whole world seems to pass in slow motion since i can't do things as fast as i normally do.

the good thing is that i think by tomorrow i should be fine - in time to start my 6th semester in school. the repetitive and routine nature of the school system is getting to me already. what's worse is that after blowing 1000 points on bidding since the last time round i blogged, the next day i blew another 1000 points or so for another module. that's a costly 2000 points just down the drain, wasted on modules that i should try and do well given the points wasted.

at least when school starts life suddenly becomes more meaningful and full of objectives - unlike aimless holidays spent doing mindless things like playing computer games and slacking around. okay well at least this past holidays i've read 2 books, which i think is a feat for me haha. even if school is starting, it's still much better than working. studying is definitely better than working (if you discount the money factor) - i hate working. work involves even more routines, deadlines, office politics, lesser freedom, and a tightly scheduled and boxed-up environment is surely unhealthy for personal development. but can one study all his life? well, if i was paid to do just that i'll do it.

anyway this coming semester i start at 10 every schooling day. that's kinda sucky, but it beats starting work at 8 or 830am and having to brave the morning traffic jams or the rush hour crowds every single working day.

i shall probably waste the final hours of total freedom washing shoes, reading the newspaper and playing games later on. what a lazy sunday this has been.

that may be all i need, in darkness she is all i see.

holmes

i caught sherlock holmes at the movies just now.

i'm a sherlock holmes geek of sorts - i have an omnibus of the original sherlock holmes stories (19th century english, mind you) and other few books of him by arthur conan doyle. i'm quite a big fan. if you read holmes a lot then you would know how holmes is like as a person and how he goes about his detective work.

i knew the movie was going to present holmes in a different sort of way - but i think mostly it was aesthetically-related. holmes certainly didn't really dress like robert downey junior did - at least that's what i come to believe. haha. but i could connect well with what i've read of holmes and what i saw in the movie - it was typical holmes going about his work. although in the movie holmes was abit too involved in action sometimes - in the books he preferred sitting in his room and just thinking through all the facts- hardly any action sometimes.

but what i found more disappointing was the plot-it was based on the ideas of sorcery and black magic. because i knew holmes was too practical to believe in such things, so i was disappointed that the case he was working on was about sorcery and black magic. although in the end he proved that it was all a bluff and pure logic and a mastery of science was behind all the mumbo-jumbo sorcery. many people said that it was a great movie - personally i didn't like the plot entangling sorcery mumbo-jumbo with what in the end turned out to be pure logic and rational reasoning. but overall still a good movie - the acting was good i thought.

that was the first movie of the year for me. and the first since last june i think, when i watched the hangover - the funniest movie i've ever watched. haha. sadly next week school's a-starting. time flew past real fast! the holidays have been spent playing computer games, finishing 2 books, going out to do things like roller-blading and kite-flying, going for training and also to batam, visiting the museums, and of course shopping. but it is never enough is it?

on another note i cannot believe i spent 1040 points for 3 of my major modules. damn it.

just to be with you is having the best day of my life.