fish

finally the workload has somewhat been relieved after all those deadlines have been met. so i'm now left with two more essays to do, so it's really not too bad.

(skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don't follow football.)

well well, the commentator said it was the 'comeback of all comebacks this season'. well it could be. i watched the highlights for the bolton-arsenal match, and yes it really took quite abit of spirit to mount such a comeback. being 2-0 down and a man down (diaby was really naive in his tackle), to eventually score 3 goals and win the match really took some nerve. and of course a huge slice of luck with the last goal. and even chelsea had lady luck smiling on them. go and watch the highlights. middlesbrough could really have won the game, and the crossbar came to chelsea's rescue thrice! well as fate would have it arsenal still trail the leaders by 6 points. at least with such a win, it should probably give them a kick in the back and push them on to the trilogy against liverpool this coming week and the next. did you see ronaldo's goal against villa? pure cheekyness i say.

oh and newcastle can actually trash spurs 4-1 away. wow. that really is a morale-boosting result. it should do wonders. in other leagues a few minor surprises, like how barcelone eventually lost a match 3-2 when they were leading 2-0 initially. so now real leads the table again by 7 points. lucky them. and ac milan lost at home, and from the highlights i could really see that their defence was really all over the place. anyway milan is really an ageing team, so it would not really surprise me that they are really a shadow of their past self. and i just realised this - i have alot of female friends that follow football. haha. i know syamim supports arsenal like i do! then for liverpool, there's like nani(i think), zuhara and nazeera. oh farah nat supports the read devils (damn them!) and well, even chelsea has a supporter. haha and the odd one out has to be nadia, who supports of all teams, juventus. ah vel supports ac milan! that i remember.

on another note in the kitchen we have a soap dispenser above the sink that is spoilt. so my dad actually filled it with water and bought 5 fishes last weekend to make use of that spoilt dispenser. haha. so we had 5 anchovy-like fishes initially, that didn't live long. by the 3rd day the last 1 died, and he bought 2 more fishes, this time slightly bigger. and by saturday night both had already died. well so now theres a new fish, and i hope it's more of a fighter than the previous ones. it's quite sad really when even a small fish just dies and i have to scoop it out and just chuck it in the bin. i hope this one lasts for long. its gold in colour, and i would think it is really bored swimming around in such a small container, suspended in mid-air at that. haha.

and in case you didn't know i got a crew cut last thursday. haha i get everyone asking me why? why? haha. well, i think its really decent. just needs a little getting used to. i think it's quite fine so to those who can't stand it, wait another 2 months okay? haha there are those who says the haircut looks fine, and of course with the normal hair it is better. that goes without saying. but sometimes change is good. haha. if i could look as good as the black people who really look damn nice with a crew cut, i would really just maintain that sort of hairstyle. it's such a waste that i'm not. haha.

ah exams are round the corner, a month away but because of all the deadlines that i have to meet i haven't done any readings for a month really. i should do something about it really soon. this semester is really heavier than the last one. and i have this feeling next semester is going to be pretty dreary and draggy.

to sign off, i'm much happier nowadays! and i can't wait! haha.

marcos

no school for the past for days officially, but i was in school for 3 days though.

(don't read the next paragraph if you don't follow football.)

okay so now arsenal is 3rd. right. we haven't won in the league in 5 attempts, and that is certainly not championship form. i thought they could hold out for a 1-0 win at stamford bridge, but my heart sank when drogba managed to get the winner. it didn't help that mascherano was surprisingly sent off some some unknown reason for liverpool. so how now? from having a 5 point lead at 1 stage, now we are 3rd, freaking 6 points behind manchester united. even real madrid has a 4 point gap over barcelona, even though they are on a wretched run of form lately. speaking of which, yesterday i caught the real madrid-valencia match. well, real couldn't really take advantage of alot of chances. they could have won the game actually, but valencia took advantage of the lesser chances they had. quite end to end stuffs at times, so it was not quite a bad game. even juventus beat inter milan at the san siro. that is really something i guess, since i don't really rate juventus that much. haha. in any case, well, arsenal have trailed the league leaders before and then put on a run of consecutive wins and the went on to win the title. i think they just need more self-belief, more than anything else. oh well. i hope for the best.

(skip the next paragraph if you don't follow politics stuffs.)

i am reading up for my essay for 1 of my modules, and it involves the fall of suharto and ferdinand marcos. it's quite interesting really. for suharto, what really triggered it was the role that university students played in rioting and campaigning for suharto's resignation. actually it happens/have happened everywhere in post-colonial southeast asia like in malaysia, thailand, philippines etc. of course i don't think such student activism will ever happen in singapore. most probably due to ambivalence i think. in any case i find it interesting that it was the role of the students that actually gave the oppositional forces the momentum. for marcos, the more famous people power who protected the rebel armed forces that advocated marcos' resignation was the spark. then 1 by 1 various units of the armed forces eventually defected to the rebel camp, and in effect 90% of the armed forces was under fidel ramos' command by the time marcos fled the philippines. it's all quite interesting when i read it. it makes me think that politics in southeast asia is really unique and very interesting, and seems different from politics elsewhere. well i haven't started on my essay anyway, and it's due on friday. so i should work on that actually. haha.

on saturday evening i met my primary school friends for a get together. it was quite fun. i think only noriza and faizal couldn't make it. yup. in total there were 7 of us, and the photos are up on facebook. it's always nice to get together sometimes. as for me, i see my secondary school and junior college friends almost everyday in school. but to meet up with those buddies whom i've known like for almost 15 years - i think it's quite an amazing experience. i realise that some things really never change in some of us, like the way we talk or look or our attitudes or perceptions of each other. it is always nice reminiscing since i like to hark back on the past anyway. i think next time we meet is to break fast together. i shall look forward to that.

yesterday on my way to school there was this really weird guy around. he kept talking to himself, but it's not the monologue kind. it's as if he's reciting lines from some drama as if he's an actor trying to practise his lines. he spoke mandarin of the china national type of accent, so the tone of it is even more remarkable. i kept thinking either he's reciting excerpts from mao's little red book, or he's part of some chinese opera troupe. the way he kept saying those lines and phrases had a certain tone to it. in any case when the light turned green, he just ran across the raod in a funny sort of way, and then he just walked around in circles on the other side of the road, waiting for something like that. but the next thing i know he was also queueing up for 96, so what was he doing waiting around the side of the road outside of the interchange anyway? something really wrong with the guy really. anyway yesterday i just thought of something - how come weird people are always guys? i don't recall ever seeing women who are weird like this. i really wonder why.

so this really adds on to the lsit of weirdos i've seen recently. oh tomorrow is the lecture where me and fairus will just look at that weird that guy who's always mumbling to himself loudly in front of the lecture. another cycle of weirdos-watch begins again tomorrow then. haha.

confusion

just a quick one.

recently alot of thinking has been done, and i think i've achieved enlightenment.

finally on the way home just now it struck me out of nowhere. so i believe i have received the sign(s).

i believe it is so. if that is so, then i shall follow my heart and my instinct and let them lead the way.

thank you God for guiding me.

history essay

my brain is really drained from the exertion caused by the craziest essay i've done.

and there's still many more deadlines to meet, so i hope i can recover from this lethargy and from being mentally drained too.

(skip the next paragdraph if you don't follow football.)

nothing much to say actually. arsenal again came back from behind to draw, this time against middlesbrough. it's really becoming a very bad habit. well because of the taxing nature of the essay i haven't really been able to follow football over the weekend. my only worry is well, when are we going to start winning again? this is seriously the best time to put together a few wins and win the title at the end. oh well i hope things will pick up.

last sunday we went to megacarnival at taman warisan at bugis. it was okay, and we just amused ourselves by making a video. a surprise video too. but yea, i spent quite abit of time there. in any case, for all their limitations they did quite a decent job, but definitely for the next group of organisers, we all certainly would expect much more.

okay today i think i shall blog about very random things.

like today i went to the ntuc fairprice, and i'm really amazed at how much the prices of chocolates have risen. it's really risen by alot. $1 could get you a candybar chocolate a few years back, now it can't even buy 1/2 of milobar. it's really ridiculous. even kit kat is nearing $1 already. everything has risen significantly, from boost to hersheys and many others. i suppose it's really due to rising oil prices. the only thing not to have risen ever since i was still a young teen (i still am,deep inside) is toblerone. i'm surprised it hasn't risen, and naturally i purchased it just now. i suppose the swiss are so netural in world affairs that they don't even bother to let themselves get affected by the global rising oil prices.

yesterday on my way home in the train this guy sat beside me (i suppose i shall not mention his race) and just blasted the music from his handphone. how annoying can one get? i'm already so drained from 4 hours of non-stop staring at the computer monitor in school earlier, and this kinda people have to sit beside me? and he was actually grooving to the music. like trying out stupid hand movements and looking into his reflection in the window at the opposite side. this is the ultimate 'shiok sendiri' for goodness sake. i was thinking 'oh no the bugger's going to annoy me all the way till i reach my station!'. well, it turns out the handphone was his friend's, and i think he got annoyed by him because i think he feared his battery would run low if the guy kept blasting music continuously. anyway thank god he took back his handphone, because the other commuters were visibly pissed already. and the music was horrible for goodness sake.

today me and fairus kept laughing in lecture at this freaky and weirdo of a guy. he's really weird. he wears thick black socks and SAF sandals. wow. and he'll just mumble to himself loudly during the lectures (so loud that we could hear him all the way back at the last row in a big lecture theatre), and i seriously wonder what the lecturers think of him since he sits at the front. his mannerisms are really weird. i really wonder why some people are like that. is there an argument for him really being born like that? or is it the environment at home or in school that shapes him to be like that? i really wonder. in secondary school we had this guy in class, who was really weird. the name's terrence. ask any of my upper secondary school classmates, and they'll tell you all. he's really weird. he loves garfield so much he has a garfield pencil case and bag too i think. then, now and then he will just whip out his wallet and kiss garfield's photo that he keeps inside. they guy had green algae or mould or even toadstools growing on his nose. he was really very unhygienic. i'm serious. and he'll memorise like all the malay people's dad's name so that he could make fun of it if we bullied him. of course in a class like ours, naturally we would all bully him anyway. but well, apparently he's semi-retarded, according to our teacher. so i suppose that might explain his behaviour and character. the teacher did warn us about him. but well, we still bullied him anyway. haha. okay we were bad i know.

oh well, life would be mundane without such characters who don't fall into the lines of the common discourse.

on another note, i'm officially still confused!

okay that's all. presentations and interviews and essays coming up.

confused

it has been a crazy past week.

with all the tests and assignments and essays due, it's really madness.

and i'm not the buziest of all the peoples. there are like so many of the others out there who have had 1 hell of a week, and are going to have a hell of a week and hellish days for the weeks to come. i'm feeling strained too because of assignments that are piling up, which for most i don't really have any idea on how to start on them.

i'm feeling rather lethargic nowadays due to lack of regular sleep, and neither do i have any mood to do work anyway. then again i don't have the mood to do alot of things to either. the general slump is really worrying but i can't be bothered to arrest it. haha.

(skip the next paragraph if you don't follow football.)

okay so here's the thing - how can any team beat milan 2-0 at the san siro, but only manage to secure a 0-0 draw against wigan? it's mind-boggling but it happened. it makes me frustrated as a fan of arsenal, but football is like that. and i missed all the champions league matches despite wanting to watch them in the first place. i just couldn't imagine only turning in at 6am after watching all the matches, and that would mean being zombie-ish in the school the following morning. so basically my only diet of football would be select la liga and serie a matches, largely thanks to the antenna's ability to tap into indonesian channel networks. but la liga isn't that boring too actually. valencia actually plays good football, and it's the kind that's quite pleasing to watch. ever banega is really good in real life. too bad they took a 2-0 lead, only to be pegged back to 2-2 by halftime. anyway inter is quite on a roll in serie a, but seriously their defence is quite weak i think. a team like reggina could actually test the inter defence with shots that with abit more luck, could have just turned into goals. it's no wonder inter couldn't hold up against liverpool. i think inter will still be knocked out anyway, since i think pool have the capacity to beat inter even at the san siro.

(skip the next paragraph if you don't follow politics, especially malaysian politics.)

well well, so bn got trounced at the polls. i can't help thinking that abdullah called for the polls too early. but i think it's because he wants to console by trying to gain legitimacy for his rule in the aftermath of problems plauging the government. and if he held the elections any later, anwar would have qualified to take part in the elections too anyway. but then again i still feel he called for elections too early. and bn paid the price for it. they lost 4 states (that's really alot mind you) to the opposition. so now it would really be interesting to see how the whole thing pans out. the thing about malaysia is, its among the more democratic countries in southeast asia. democratic in the sense that at least results in the polls are not overturned by a declaration of martial law or complete disregard to the election results (think philippines and burma/myanmar). what makes it more interesting is that this election results is part of 1 of the modules that i'm taking - government and politics of southeast asia. as in the results will affect the syllabus of the module with regards to malaysian politics. but it is interesting to see if bn, or more specifically umno, can regenerate or reinvent itself and then regain back lost ground in the next elections.

anyway i think enough of the melancholic series. haha. i can say now i'm not that sad anymore. but it's changed to confusion. okay now i'm really really confused about a few things. a lot of matters have suddenly surfaced, and old facts and knowledge have suddenly been give new twists to them. this whole confusion thing is really driving my brain nuts. sadness is the disease of the heart, confusion seems to be the disease of the mind. i get weighed down by all the considerations and decisions i have to make with myself. i need to do alot of soul-searching, and self-reflection. i need a guiding light, i need a moment of truth, and i need the peace of mind.

but most importantly - i need a sign. God help me.

melancholy

http://megacarnival08.wordpress.com/ - visit this webbie people, and show your support!

it has been raining yesterday and today, and it makes me feel even more lethargic than i already am.

today the news writes about the israeli attacks into gaza. apparently it killed alot of civilians, children included. the other day i watched a documentary in class about the atrocities that the israeli army has done to palestinians in the past. i think it's sad. i don't know if i can comment much, but as a soldier one cannot kill civilians. the thing is, this isn't even war. yes, everyone has a right to protect their security within their own territories, but for me this is too much already. but the world can't do nuts about it, and everyone just goes about issuing statements of restrain and what not. something that i can even do on my simple blog. well i won't say much about this anyway, but like many world leaders all the world i shal just 'condemn' these 'acts of violence' and urge 'restraint' from both parties and urge the renewal of 'peace talks'.

and let's not even start on mas selamat kastari. i suppose he appears everywhere on buses, train stations, even in RCs and CCs in the form of posters, but yeah, he still eludes the authorities.

(skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don't follow football.)

well, arsenal gave me a near heart attack by only equalising against villa in the dying seconds. it's quite worrying to see arsenal's attacking options being very limited in the absence of eduardo and van persie. i can't remember the last time adebayor has scored for arsenal, and that slump is worrying. well at least the did really put in effort in coming forward but villa really made it hard. if playing badly and still being able to gain a point is the hallmark of a champion, then i hope this yer would be it! seriously, at least now it's already march, and arsenal is leading the pack.

oh and if you all did read on what i wrote on sissoko last week - well guess what, over the weekend he did yet another overhead kick. but this time at least it lead to juventus' opening goal. it was frey's fault as he only managed to weakly punch the ball out to sissoko, and he acrobatically executed an overhead goal into the net. well done for him, but eventually juventus still lost 3-2 at home to fiorentina. in any case, i watched abit of that match and sissoko's passing is still as wayward as ever. haha. other than that this weekend's football diet hasn't served up as much controversy as last week did i guess. so next up is the midweek champions league ties, and i should like to want to watch them games, since i missed them 2 weeks ago.

on saturday evening we had a silat performance all the way in hougang and it turned out okay. no major injuries, except for me bumping into zul when i was being thrown on the mat. i caused redness around his left eye, and a small graze below his left eye. other than that the performance was okay. even thought there were mats but the whole matted was quite small. there was not much room for manouvre so we had to improvise with things a little bit.

yesterday night i also caught a silat performance with fadhli at ucc. but this time round it was a combined effort with nus ilsa tari. overall the event was okay. the dance was quite good, althought the silat performances was a tad disappointing. saw a few perguruans on display but there wasn't much excitement in any case. both me and fadhli agreed that well, at least we didn't have to pay to enter and watch. haha.

(the next few paragraphs will form part of the melancholic series that i've somewhat started from the previous entry. so err actually it's best if you avoid this part. and don't say i didn't warn you.)

so how do i start this.

let's just say life has been becoming sadder than it already is. if i want to be frank, yesterday was probably among the saddest days in my entire life. yesterday i woke up feeling horrible, and i made my way to school to study. i had to force myself to get out of home so that sunday wouldn't be wasted at home. overall yesterday, studies-wise it was a very productive day. i managed to complete reading a political science textbook. so all is okay.

but yeah, i cannot hide the fact that deep inside i'm somewhat devastated. crushed, like the collapsed crane incident at nus the other day. for almost the whole of yesterday, whenever i'm alone, i just felt like breaking down there and then. when i studied, sometimes i felt distracted by thoughts and all. i will just stare blankly into space and think.

yesterday i received good news too. well done my friend. at least i can say congratulations to you, and may things turn out how you hope it would. if i might add, this was what i was hoping that would happen for you. although it is not exactly how i fathomed it would turn out, well at least you are happy with it.

and i hoped that it would happen to me too. it would seem almost perfect. i have my own dreams and visions. alas, i don't think they will ever be realised. your good news made me happy for you, yet even sadder for myself. when i look at things from even bigger perspective, it magnifies the devastation even further. but do not put blame on yourself. it does not take away the fact how elated i am for what has happened to you, so i am grateful. do not worry about me.

the book i was reading yesterday was on negotiations and diplomacy. if only feelings could be negotiated. if only we could bargain for feelings. but people are not states. and neither does feelings involve professionalism and formality.

i cannot hide my extreme disappointment because of my sense of attachment and fondness. when put in perspective, it is different from how it was in the past and how it is now. am i the victim of choice or circumstances? i wonder. it is sad that like i said the last time round - i am not most eligible, neither am i the scum of the earth. then what is it? as oxymoronic as it sounds, there is always constant change. people change, and so do their values, ethics, character, personality, thoughts, ideas, beliefs and many more. do i want to? if i am given chance i will see to it and see if it is okay.

in any case, i just have one thing to say - i'll see where the heart takes me. if it turns numb or is open or whatever, i will just go. i know God's miracles works in the strangest ways, and i believe in Him. all i need is a sign. a guiding light. this slumber will not last, so do not fear or worry for me. the only person that one can ever ask for help from is himself. hope is everywhere, it is just that i haven't had the belief to hope yet. it will take time.

still at the crossroads though, don't know whether to go straight, turn left, turn right, or make a u-turn.