SHIT!
it's getting on my nerves.
the fact that i really can't remember ALOT of my primary school people.
it's really an obsession! the more i unravel,the more i find out about people that did exist yet i can't recall anything about them! it's extremely annoying. names are just tossed upon me,but somehow i can't put a face to it! it's as if they never existed at all,but the others know them so well.
damn! it's really annoying. ah how i wished my primary school had a yearbook then! it would have probably saved all my troubles and relieve me of my worries! i wonder why they couldn't do so then.
oh wells. at least i've found those who i really wanted to find. like i mentioned earlier, shahidah. wonder how she really looks like now. used to talk to her often back in primary and then suddenly she left school, and 10 years on shes found me through this very blog! and then there's nadhirah too. chatty and very jovial, i find her nice to talk nonsense with. haha. nice gal. and suhaila. just chatted with her just now. so who else can i find??
haha pardon my obsession with this. it's just it has been so long, and i'm really curious to know how everyone's getting along. it fun to see people suddenly change after so long not running into them. oh like emelind, this girl from my class in jc for the 1st 3 months. shes now like totally changed! from a quie,t aloof, plump and the bookworm type of gal, shes now changed to 1 hot thang! the transformation is so drastic! it's really unbelievable, the changes. is amazing.
i think i should try and start reading again. hisham's hooked on reading now, so i better follow suit. my command of english now is really disapproving. horrendous! but i can't find books that i like. i only like to read books by agatha christie, that also when she writes on hercule poirot. that's all. on and of course, sherlock holmes. what weird tastes i have, you might say. oh well, i only like to read such classic thriller or rather mystery novels.
why? because they emphasise on the thought process. i mean during the victorian age there wasn't like the use of DNA or any type of forensic science involved. so it's amazing to me how poirot and holmes can solve mysteries just by using the method of thought and logic. find me weird, but it's all fascinating. the da vinci code doesn't really capture my imagination anyway. and i've yet to read it though. but it's too thick for my liking.
to the beautiful stranger:
seriously, i wonder who you are. and i really thank you for the advice. i'm really normally unlike this, and it was really a sudden outburst of things. usually i can take it in my stride. now things are picking up again. but really, i wanna know who you are. i'm sure you know how it bugs me that i can't recall any of my primary school friends. and since we've apparently crossed paths b4, i would like to think i can remember you! and thanks for tagging! haha.
but really.
who are you, beautiful stranger?
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
licence
to stranger:
whoever you may be
yup, you're right. it was just an irrational outburst. oh well, just had to let go of all the things bottling up inside. actually there ain't not bottomless pit. thanks for your words anyway, though it would be nice if you could really identify yourself? i mean i'm seriously always open to constructive criticisms.
but really. life's now has become better. because of 3 main things.
1) i finally can drive LEGALLY! finally i've passed my class 3 traffic police test. n i can drive legally! haha hell yeah. after the last traffc polic test 1 and a half years ago (it is THAT long), finally i've passed it on the 2nd attempt. my circuit was perfect, save for that emergency brake. but my road was quite horrible. frankly speaking as i drove i wasn't sure if i was gonna pass, since the tester didn't even bother to tick my mistakes as i went along. only towards the end then he made notes on the checklist - and i PASSED! yeah! 16 points! quite alot actually,but heck - the main most important thing is that i've PASSED! haha. although the car won't come so soon though. dad won't buy 1, so i guess i'll have to wait out 15 years for that elusive BMW?haha. dream on balls! till then i can only drive people mad i guess.
2) my obsession with finding my primary school friends. progress has been a blast. found back shahidah, the one girl i've been trying to find since she transferred out at the end of primary 4. and that's like 10 years ago. that's a freaking decade, balls! and she found me! so elated! finally the search ends! and i've found nadhirah, a friend from all the way back in primary 1! whos face i can still recognise. haha. and a few others, whom i've found on friendster and the sort. wow it's quite amazing actually to see how people have grown up over the past 8 years or so. the changes for some are really drastic! haha,or rather for most of them. i wish i could meet more of them. and see if they can remember me.
the most irritating thing is that people remember me but not so vice versa. it so freaking pisses me off! haha. to think i was so low profile then. haha but the photos noriza supplied me have been very useful! thanks man for the pictures! and the help people have extended to me. it's all been really helpful. but i wanna find even more of them! haha.
3) well, i don't think i can mention this, though it really takes a huge burden of my shoulder! haha but is okay, i'll keep it to myself.
but so far things have been a blast. life's gone back to normal now. haha. ok so till then.
whoever you may be
yup, you're right. it was just an irrational outburst. oh well, just had to let go of all the things bottling up inside. actually there ain't not bottomless pit. thanks for your words anyway, though it would be nice if you could really identify yourself? i mean i'm seriously always open to constructive criticisms.
but really. life's now has become better. because of 3 main things.
1) i finally can drive LEGALLY! finally i've passed my class 3 traffic police test. n i can drive legally! haha hell yeah. after the last traffc polic test 1 and a half years ago (it is THAT long), finally i've passed it on the 2nd attempt. my circuit was perfect, save for that emergency brake. but my road was quite horrible. frankly speaking as i drove i wasn't sure if i was gonna pass, since the tester didn't even bother to tick my mistakes as i went along. only towards the end then he made notes on the checklist - and i PASSED! yeah! 16 points! quite alot actually,but heck - the main most important thing is that i've PASSED! haha. although the car won't come so soon though. dad won't buy 1, so i guess i'll have to wait out 15 years for that elusive BMW?haha. dream on balls! till then i can only drive people mad i guess.
2) my obsession with finding my primary school friends. progress has been a blast. found back shahidah, the one girl i've been trying to find since she transferred out at the end of primary 4. and that's like 10 years ago. that's a freaking decade, balls! and she found me! so elated! finally the search ends! and i've found nadhirah, a friend from all the way back in primary 1! whos face i can still recognise. haha. and a few others, whom i've found on friendster and the sort. wow it's quite amazing actually to see how people have grown up over the past 8 years or so. the changes for some are really drastic! haha,or rather for most of them. i wish i could meet more of them. and see if they can remember me.
the most irritating thing is that people remember me but not so vice versa. it so freaking pisses me off! haha. to think i was so low profile then. haha but the photos noriza supplied me have been very useful! thanks man for the pictures! and the help people have extended to me. it's all been really helpful. but i wanna find even more of them! haha.
3) well, i don't think i can mention this, though it really takes a huge burden of my shoulder! haha but is okay, i'll keep it to myself.
but so far things have been a blast. life's gone back to normal now. haha. ok so till then.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
low
i'm at my lowest ebbs now.
i've had enough. one moment i can be happy, then the next moment things take a turn for the worst.
WHY?
i'm starting to lose confidence in myself. i'm starting to hate myself for what i am and for what i'm not.
fad's right. we are all nobody. unlike those who can fork out the money to get a place in the london imperial college, or who can drive a bmw 7 series to school, or have enough money to open a few bottles on a night out. fad's really right. at the end of the day, study so hard and get a degree, we'll still have competitors. even in school we are all struggling. what makes us think we can stand out?
especially me.
what do i have? or what don't i have?
i'm just a freaking 3rd sgt whos been charged before.
whos always getting fucked by my superiors.
who isn't well liked and popular among the recruits.
who will never get promoted.
who always cocks up his job.
who can't drive, not even ride a bike.
who doesn't know a thing abt IT and computers.
who can't sing.
who can't play soccer.
who can't swim.
who can't excel in sports.
who can't really talk.
who can't get along well with everyone.
who can never get the girls.
why? simply because i'm a LOSER, and a NOBODY. fad's right. no matter how hard we try, we will always lose out to other people who's always better in 1 way or another. what would the opposite see in us anyway?
or me at least. i can't even raise my own spirits up.
must it always happen to me? i wonder why. same shit, different day. and it always happens.
is it just me?
i just feel like fading away.
nothing i do is ever right.
you know what? i don't care.
if people wanna be selfish then i don't see why i shouldn't be selfish too.
why be nice when people don't even appreciate it at all?
you know what?
i give up.
i give up on myself and whatever hopes and dreams i have held all these while.
i've had enough. one moment i can be happy, then the next moment things take a turn for the worst.
WHY?
i'm starting to lose confidence in myself. i'm starting to hate myself for what i am and for what i'm not.
fad's right. we are all nobody. unlike those who can fork out the money to get a place in the london imperial college, or who can drive a bmw 7 series to school, or have enough money to open a few bottles on a night out. fad's really right. at the end of the day, study so hard and get a degree, we'll still have competitors. even in school we are all struggling. what makes us think we can stand out?
especially me.
what do i have? or what don't i have?
i'm just a freaking 3rd sgt whos been charged before.
whos always getting fucked by my superiors.
who isn't well liked and popular among the recruits.
who will never get promoted.
who always cocks up his job.
who can't drive, not even ride a bike.
who doesn't know a thing abt IT and computers.
who can't sing.
who can't play soccer.
who can't swim.
who can't excel in sports.
who can't really talk.
who can't get along well with everyone.
who can never get the girls.
why? simply because i'm a LOSER, and a NOBODY. fad's right. no matter how hard we try, we will always lose out to other people who's always better in 1 way or another. what would the opposite see in us anyway?
or me at least. i can't even raise my own spirits up.
must it always happen to me? i wonder why. same shit, different day. and it always happens.
is it just me?
i just feel like fading away.
nothing i do is ever right.
you know what? i don't care.
if people wanna be selfish then i don't see why i shouldn't be selfish too.
why be nice when people don't even appreciate it at all?
you know what?
i give up.
i give up on myself and whatever hopes and dreams i have held all these while.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
regular
this whole week i've been booking in and out of camp every single day. the total journey to and fro takes up to 4 hours, and sometimes i don't even spend even 2 hours in camp. so much of the time wasted is on unnecessary travelling. booking in and out in the uniform some more! like i'm some regular.
oh last weekend had dinner with azhari and hatta, the primary school friends! haha. but after that dinner i've got a new obsession - finding back as many old primary school friends as possible. challenging assignment! it's hard when 1) there wasn't any yearbook when i was in primary school, 2) i have poor memory! when azhari and hatta was blabbering off names like nobody's business i felt left out, 'cause i can't remember most of them! even later when rushdy came along and we talked even more i realised i really can't remember much. so the mission is to find back as many as i can! haha.
because two days ago in the train on the way to booking in i saw this very attractive girl. and i'm quite sure she's of my age and from my primary school. but i couldn't approach and enquire because 1) the train was packed, and 2) i was in my army uniform! but she was hot! haha. but it made me think, that i can't remember the name! you see, i'm more interested in finding those who were in my malay class, or any of the other malay people. because i cant still remember almost all of my classmates, but not those who sat in my malay class! and i want to get back in touch with them! but how? they're probably like so wild now, or totally changed in their looks. haha.
and i realised i miss STUDYING! weird as it seems. but yea! i miss those days when what i had to do was just study and study, not because i liked it so much but more of that's basically what i had to do! there wasn't like anything else for me to worry about, except getting good grades. then everydya would be spent jus chasing and racing for seats at woodlands library and the study the whole day away! haha. life was so simple back then. totally unlike what i've heard about university life.
fasting month next week! good time to repent! i've been a rebel this whole year. a menace.
oh last weekend had dinner with azhari and hatta, the primary school friends! haha. but after that dinner i've got a new obsession - finding back as many old primary school friends as possible. challenging assignment! it's hard when 1) there wasn't any yearbook when i was in primary school, 2) i have poor memory! when azhari and hatta was blabbering off names like nobody's business i felt left out, 'cause i can't remember most of them! even later when rushdy came along and we talked even more i realised i really can't remember much. so the mission is to find back as many as i can! haha.
because two days ago in the train on the way to booking in i saw this very attractive girl. and i'm quite sure she's of my age and from my primary school. but i couldn't approach and enquire because 1) the train was packed, and 2) i was in my army uniform! but she was hot! haha. but it made me think, that i can't remember the name! you see, i'm more interested in finding those who were in my malay class, or any of the other malay people. because i cant still remember almost all of my classmates, but not those who sat in my malay class! and i want to get back in touch with them! but how? they're probably like so wild now, or totally changed in their looks. haha.
and i realised i miss STUDYING! weird as it seems. but yea! i miss those days when what i had to do was just study and study, not because i liked it so much but more of that's basically what i had to do! there wasn't like anything else for me to worry about, except getting good grades. then everydya would be spent jus chasing and racing for seats at woodlands library and the study the whole day away! haha. life was so simple back then. totally unlike what i've heard about university life.
fasting month next week! good time to repent! i've been a rebel this whole year. a menace.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
busy
this week's been a blast so far. 2 days ago republic polytechnic students came by to the camp for a visit, and i had to speak as an emcee to them. haha i was actually very nervous, but heck! i just spoke whatever i had in mind and i think it turned out okay. after the whole thing me sham, iman and epind went to town to chill. and talk about life.
hisham and me come from totally different kinda lifestyles and backgrounds i guess, but we always talk. haha from never ever talking at all way back in school to now being good friends. but at least i've like a close group of friends in camp now, to just talk away the time whenver i'm bored haha.
mamboed last nite wth fad and yong! 1st time in like a month? missed the feeling. but the place was ultra-packed. those with a weak heart would have probably hyperventilated. it was so packed there wasn't space to move at all. but it was fun haha. i pity yong though, sorry man it turned out bad for you. sometimes you get lucky, other times you don't. oh well.
arrgh but its frustrating. i LOST my commie chain, the 1 clarissa gave me! ergggh! so frustrating! it snapped halfway last night and i could only retain the chain! was furiously searching the floor for the pendant but it was in vain! boo hoo. the chain was real nice but aiya, i guess i gotta go find a replacement for it then. so sad.
tomorrow got duty, saturday dinner with the primary school mates! haha i'm not attached but almost everyday there's always something to do with someone outside. i wonder why.
hisham and me come from totally different kinda lifestyles and backgrounds i guess, but we always talk. haha from never ever talking at all way back in school to now being good friends. but at least i've like a close group of friends in camp now, to just talk away the time whenver i'm bored haha.
mamboed last nite wth fad and yong! 1st time in like a month? missed the feeling. but the place was ultra-packed. those with a weak heart would have probably hyperventilated. it was so packed there wasn't space to move at all. but it was fun haha. i pity yong though, sorry man it turned out bad for you. sometimes you get lucky, other times you don't. oh well.
arrgh but its frustrating. i LOST my commie chain, the 1 clarissa gave me! ergggh! so frustrating! it snapped halfway last night and i could only retain the chain! was furiously searching the floor for the pendant but it was in vain! boo hoo. the chain was real nice but aiya, i guess i gotta go find a replacement for it then. so sad.
tomorrow got duty, saturday dinner with the primary school mates! haha i'm not attached but almost everyday there's always something to do with someone outside. i wonder why.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
prada
ah so after like 5 days of not being in camp i'm booking in later. so not used to being in camp already.
oh yesterday dined at swensens at with clare tyan and jeremy. just a small dinner and then followed by catching the 12am movie at cineleisure. clare, jeremy and me caught 'the devil wears prada' . well personally the movie is worth the money spent, and it did highlight to me a few points. the whole movie is rally about choices in life, and how you want to live your life, and not what people think about how your life should be played out. and also how balancing work and your personal life is important, and at the end of the day, one must always believe in one's values of life. the movie actually taught me several lessons of life, although it might not have the same effect like the rest.
and clare bought me 'something that was so yusri' for my birthday. haha and i really thought it could have been something to do with adidas. haha but no, it turned out to be a pendant with a chain. the pendant bore that oh-so-fmaous hammer and sickle sign! haha its really nice man, thanks alot! might not cost much but the thought of it all...i like it very very much, it's quite cool!
that's like my 1st birthday gift for quite a while.in fact the last 1 was in 2003! haha not that i mind, since on your birthday you just turn a year older and that's all! i mean you just can't drop everything on your birthday and not work right? haha...but ok la, at least this year i wasn't studying or in camp or doing anything else.
gotta go ready for book in. BORING!
oh yesterday dined at swensens at with clare tyan and jeremy. just a small dinner and then followed by catching the 12am movie at cineleisure. clare, jeremy and me caught 'the devil wears prada' . well personally the movie is worth the money spent, and it did highlight to me a few points. the whole movie is rally about choices in life, and how you want to live your life, and not what people think about how your life should be played out. and also how balancing work and your personal life is important, and at the end of the day, one must always believe in one's values of life. the movie actually taught me several lessons of life, although it might not have the same effect like the rest.
and clare bought me 'something that was so yusri' for my birthday. haha and i really thought it could have been something to do with adidas. haha but no, it turned out to be a pendant with a chain. the pendant bore that oh-so-fmaous hammer and sickle sign! haha its really nice man, thanks alot! might not cost much but the thought of it all...i like it very very much, it's quite cool!
that's like my 1st birthday gift for quite a while.in fact the last 1 was in 2003! haha not that i mind, since on your birthday you just turn a year older and that's all! i mean you just can't drop everything on your birthday and not work right? haha...but ok la, at least this year i wasn't studying or in camp or doing anything else.
gotta go ready for book in. BORING!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
20
the young boy just turned twenty...
haha! wow quite a number of people wished me this year, i've no idea why! ok la maybe its because of the colleagues. but still...i don't get that much birthday wishes anyway. still thanks to all who've wished me! haha baba's msg was too early, 5 mins early in fact!
and everyone's asking how i celebrated my birthday. frankly, i don't. or rather i've never. i remeber last year the day was spent in camp and in training i had to run 7km. and then in 2004 i remember going to school and studying history with irma, because prelims were like just next week, and i had no choice.
was supposed to club yesterday, but the colleagues pulled out. they didn't feel like they would have fun, so they decided on just chilling out. haha i mean if i had told them it was my birthday we'd have probably ended up in phuture, but anyways sometimes i just like to indulge in the all-time favourite pastime of the malays - hanging around and chatting the day(or rather night away).
after i met sha i went to esplanade to meet up with yong,ismail and nas, can consider among the closest of the colleagues that i have. then we talked all the way till 3am, and i lernt so many shocking things from them regarding a certain issue. it totally throws new light upon the whole issue. damn shocking! haha. but i mean sometimes you just need to chill and sit down, and just catch up on each other's lives. and i got a free ride home on ismail's car! haha.
so i spent the whole day doing nothing. won yet another european championship on winning 11, and thn spent the whole afternoon just installing my new and free lcd flat screen 17' inch computer, and my all-in-1 canon pixma printer! and suddenly the whole system looks like it's gone through extreme makeover! hell yeah, my aim of revamping the whole system has been achieved! only left the speakers, but my speakers are like 8 years old and still in perfect working condition!
and idiot me, i thought all along my wireless keyboard was spoilt after a while. and today itested it out, its STILL IN PREFECT WORKING CONDITION! errgh meaning all this while i've been so foolish! so it seems like something new also has been added to the whole system! i don't know why, but i feel proud of this system! it's like super impressive personally, and it makes me feel good! it looks less messy with lesser wires, and lesser bulk too.
oh well,the day's passed peacefully. thanks to all who've wished me.
and i realised, almost everyday in september contains birthdays of people i know. yea we virgos rule!
haha! wow quite a number of people wished me this year, i've no idea why! ok la maybe its because of the colleagues. but still...i don't get that much birthday wishes anyway. still thanks to all who've wished me! haha baba's msg was too early, 5 mins early in fact!
and everyone's asking how i celebrated my birthday. frankly, i don't. or rather i've never. i remeber last year the day was spent in camp and in training i had to run 7km. and then in 2004 i remember going to school and studying history with irma, because prelims were like just next week, and i had no choice.
was supposed to club yesterday, but the colleagues pulled out. they didn't feel like they would have fun, so they decided on just chilling out. haha i mean if i had told them it was my birthday we'd have probably ended up in phuture, but anyways sometimes i just like to indulge in the all-time favourite pastime of the malays - hanging around and chatting the day(or rather night away).
after i met sha i went to esplanade to meet up with yong,ismail and nas, can consider among the closest of the colleagues that i have. then we talked all the way till 3am, and i lernt so many shocking things from them regarding a certain issue. it totally throws new light upon the whole issue. damn shocking! haha. but i mean sometimes you just need to chill and sit down, and just catch up on each other's lives. and i got a free ride home on ismail's car! haha.
so i spent the whole day doing nothing. won yet another european championship on winning 11, and thn spent the whole afternoon just installing my new and free lcd flat screen 17' inch computer, and my all-in-1 canon pixma printer! and suddenly the whole system looks like it's gone through extreme makeover! hell yeah, my aim of revamping the whole system has been achieved! only left the speakers, but my speakers are like 8 years old and still in perfect working condition!
and idiot me, i thought all along my wireless keyboard was spoilt after a while. and today itested it out, its STILL IN PREFECT WORKING CONDITION! errgh meaning all this while i've been so foolish! so it seems like something new also has been added to the whole system! i don't know why, but i feel proud of this system! it's like super impressive personally, and it makes me feel good! it looks less messy with lesser wires, and lesser bulk too.
oh well,the day's passed peacefully. thanks to all who've wished me.
and i realised, almost everyday in september contains birthdays of people i know. yea we virgos rule!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
appraisal
so my recruits have just passed out. another batch has ended. 1 more to go! haha. oh wells. i know i've not really been blogging the past month. it's just that firstly, i'm getting kinda lazy. secondly, there's nothing worth blogging about actually. so i'll just sum up what has happened so far.
last saturday i went to the comex straightaway after booking out. bought this photo all in 1 canon printer worth $179! haha i think i got myself quite a good bargain. but what to do with my current epson one, i don't know. but the canon pixma looks good. quite huge too, i had to lug it all the way home on a freaking trolley! and it came with cute speakers in the shape of 2 frogs, free! but i've yet to install it anyway, i'll probably do it the day after tomorrow.
oh and dad won this flat screen lcd computer monitor in a lucky draw! how cool is that eh? freaking cool lah! i mean its FREE! and it coincided with the purchase of the new printer. so basically, the upgrading of my cmputer system is virtually complete! ive changed my cpu, my printer, my mouse & keyboard(the keyboard got spoilt though), my screen! only left with the speakers, which ain't really important. oh and i got one of those bluetooth dongle, the ones that enables yr computer to be bluetooth enabled! it's quite cool know, so to those who haven't, GO GET ONE NOW! it's quite cheap, i got mine at only $12!
and i went with sha that same evening to the ucc at NUS to catch a malay contemporary dance performance. actually it was an interpretive dance lah. with scary effects here and there, but it was good overall. a valiant effort. i wonder how people can dance straight for over an hour. must have taken months and months of practice. my 1st time seeing an interpretive dance item, and it was quite an eye opener to me actually.
it hasn't been a good week for me in camp. the secret's out - im really the lowest rated commander in my company. apparently the recruits rate me very lowly. and the appraisal done by my recruits do seem to suggest so. i've been described as 'lazy','not spending enough time with the recruits' & 'slack'. my appraisal has been getting worse and worse ever since i came into this company. it's quite dampening to know that you do alot of behind-the-scences work yet people don't know how to appreciate it.
on a personal level, i admit i'm lazy. i know myself. but to say im lazy in my work? i think that's rather damning. nobody knows how much paperwork i have to do. the recruits always think i'm holing up in the office because i'm lazy and can't be bothered. they never know what happens behind the closed doors. the never know what appointments we hold, and never know the amount of workload we have. i have expectations and deadlines to meet, which the recruits will never know. they never know that i am among the busiest commanders in the company, and all they know is to rate me on the surface. they don't know me personally, and yet they expect things to happen from me when i'm so busy. can everyone please give me a break?
those who don't know me will know me as that stuck-up looking guy. because i don't like to talk to strangers and don't really mingle. i remember hasan telling me in jc, that he didn't really ike my face because i had a stuck-up face. its true. and the recruits seem to think so. they seem to think i'm a creature with no hear and with no feelings. which is totally not true. they don't know me. i don't treat recruits as my friends because they ARE recruits. this whole things is just another issue that just kinda makes me feel fucked up about myself. i know i got alot of things i'm weak at, but it isn't as if everyone's god damn perfect.
and i hate being faulted for things that isn't my fault. it has happened so many times, and i'm getting sick of it. things that aren't my fault becomes my business. i hate it alot. i hate it alot, really. i don't know what's wrong. it's okay if no one appreaciates what i do, but please when things go wrong, must it all come back to me? i swear one fine day i'll just flip. can everyone please just give me a break?
and today is the 6th of september. 7 years ago my beloved maternal grandpa passed away suddenly due to a sudden asthma attack. i remember the date because he passed away a day shy of my my 13th birthday. it caught all of us by surprise. i remember wailing so loud after i received the call from the relatives, since the whole family was out. when i think of him, i do regret never spending much time with him. he didn't know any english, but i know he loved his grandchildren alot. i wasn't his favourite, but i'm quite sure he loved me and my sister very much. when he was much younger, he had an obsession with motorcycles, i was told. had quite a few at any 1 time, including the classics like nortons and the sort. actually i miss being cuddled by him since he was the only one other than my mom to do so. i hope he's really resting in peace somewhere now, and i wish God grant him mercy and pardon him for any mistakes he's done if any.
last saturday i went to the comex straightaway after booking out. bought this photo all in 1 canon printer worth $179! haha i think i got myself quite a good bargain. but what to do with my current epson one, i don't know. but the canon pixma looks good. quite huge too, i had to lug it all the way home on a freaking trolley! and it came with cute speakers in the shape of 2 frogs, free! but i've yet to install it anyway, i'll probably do it the day after tomorrow.
oh and dad won this flat screen lcd computer monitor in a lucky draw! how cool is that eh? freaking cool lah! i mean its FREE! and it coincided with the purchase of the new printer. so basically, the upgrading of my cmputer system is virtually complete! ive changed my cpu, my printer, my mouse & keyboard(the keyboard got spoilt though), my screen! only left with the speakers, which ain't really important. oh and i got one of those bluetooth dongle, the ones that enables yr computer to be bluetooth enabled! it's quite cool know, so to those who haven't, GO GET ONE NOW! it's quite cheap, i got mine at only $12!
and i went with sha that same evening to the ucc at NUS to catch a malay contemporary dance performance. actually it was an interpretive dance lah. with scary effects here and there, but it was good overall. a valiant effort. i wonder how people can dance straight for over an hour. must have taken months and months of practice. my 1st time seeing an interpretive dance item, and it was quite an eye opener to me actually.
it hasn't been a good week for me in camp. the secret's out - im really the lowest rated commander in my company. apparently the recruits rate me very lowly. and the appraisal done by my recruits do seem to suggest so. i've been described as 'lazy','not spending enough time with the recruits' & 'slack'. my appraisal has been getting worse and worse ever since i came into this company. it's quite dampening to know that you do alot of behind-the-scences work yet people don't know how to appreciate it.
on a personal level, i admit i'm lazy. i know myself. but to say im lazy in my work? i think that's rather damning. nobody knows how much paperwork i have to do. the recruits always think i'm holing up in the office because i'm lazy and can't be bothered. they never know what happens behind the closed doors. the never know what appointments we hold, and never know the amount of workload we have. i have expectations and deadlines to meet, which the recruits will never know. they never know that i am among the busiest commanders in the company, and all they know is to rate me on the surface. they don't know me personally, and yet they expect things to happen from me when i'm so busy. can everyone please give me a break?
those who don't know me will know me as that stuck-up looking guy. because i don't like to talk to strangers and don't really mingle. i remember hasan telling me in jc, that he didn't really ike my face because i had a stuck-up face. its true. and the recruits seem to think so. they seem to think i'm a creature with no hear and with no feelings. which is totally not true. they don't know me. i don't treat recruits as my friends because they ARE recruits. this whole things is just another issue that just kinda makes me feel fucked up about myself. i know i got alot of things i'm weak at, but it isn't as if everyone's god damn perfect.
and i hate being faulted for things that isn't my fault. it has happened so many times, and i'm getting sick of it. things that aren't my fault becomes my business. i hate it alot. i hate it alot, really. i don't know what's wrong. it's okay if no one appreaciates what i do, but please when things go wrong, must it all come back to me? i swear one fine day i'll just flip. can everyone please just give me a break?
and today is the 6th of september. 7 years ago my beloved maternal grandpa passed away suddenly due to a sudden asthma attack. i remember the date because he passed away a day shy of my my 13th birthday. it caught all of us by surprise. i remember wailing so loud after i received the call from the relatives, since the whole family was out. when i think of him, i do regret never spending much time with him. he didn't know any english, but i know he loved his grandchildren alot. i wasn't his favourite, but i'm quite sure he loved me and my sister very much. when he was much younger, he had an obsession with motorcycles, i was told. had quite a few at any 1 time, including the classics like nortons and the sort. actually i miss being cuddled by him since he was the only one other than my mom to do so. i hope he's really resting in peace somewhere now, and i wish God grant him mercy and pardon him for any mistakes he's done if any.
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