Back to a Supplement...

Five years ago I was anti-eating what was prepared for me. Actually, for a good 18 months I was anti-eating much of anything. When I went to Remuda LIFE the last time I was introduced to the chocolate goodness of Boost Pudding because I ate it...a LOT during my 60 days there. Not so much the last 3-4 weeks, but at the beginning I was eating it because I wasn't big on eating actual food. Then there was the time I had to have it because I wouldn't eat TWO Oreos. Ummm...I should have just had the Oreos because the pudding gave me more calories!

Anyway, after coming home I had a patch (one of several in the last five years) where I needed it again because I didn't want to eat real food. That passes fairly quickly and I actually wasted quite a few of them.

As I said, I have made huge strides stopping the free fall/hole I had dug for myself earlier this year. I am eating a fairly wide range of food again and have the go ahead to hit the gym after VBS with some time restrictions (what do you mean 2hoirs of cardio per workout isn't normal???) so I don't go off the deep end with it (again).

After two days on the new job I realized something else. My 1/2 hour meal break (if I work over 6 hours) is going to be a JOKE because there are 10 million things to do and it has to be done...NOW. For the most part I really do thrive with stuff like that. Friday I LOVED running around with Pam like a chicken with my head cut off to get ready for Strikeforce. The 15 minute break we took seemed like a total waste of time when I could be DOING something! But, after having just a piece of pizza when I saw Toni at noon, I realized that's not going to cut it anymore. I think it could...once I fall back into major "restricto-mode," but do I want to do that? Of course part of me does want to do that. Once I hit starvation high mode I could work all day and be fine...until I crash and burn.

After thinking about it and knowing what I need to do, I ordered a case of Boost Pudding. I have access to a fridge at work and it will be easy to put a 4 cans in the fridge and consume one in 15 minutes. Part of me feels like depending on Boost is a huge step backward and I should come up with real food I can inhale in 15 minutes. That's part of the problem. I don't want to inhale food in 15 minutes. I stopped trying to do that pretty early on when I started ushering. It's too difficult and I end up feeling sick. Toni agrees. We'll talk about more options when I see her on the 11th. At least it's 200+ calories that are nutritionally balanced.

In my session with Rob yesterday he brough up the "having enough fuel" thing and I hadn't told any of this. In fact, we haven't talked about food since I got back from vacation in May. That got me thinking about all of this as well.

Today before I head over there I may stop for some Ensure or Boost liquid until the shipment comes in late this week/early next week. I am there 3 days this week. Today, Wednesday and for the SaberCats game on Saturday. I really don't want to blow this opportunity and for now I am fairly willing to do what I need to do to prevent another "Bon Jovi Incident" at work!

Update...

It has been ages since I talked about being in limbo. Much of it can now be talked about!

Right after I learned that my job may no linger exist at the church, I was approached by one of the Sups at the HP. It seems Patrick (who assists in various and sundry "stuff") is moving on within the HP (Guest Services Coordinator) and that leaves an opening. Was I interested? Ummm...yes, please!

I then met with our Manager of Ushering/Medical for an hour sit down. He said it defines "entry level," but that didn't matter to me. I love that place heart and soul and was just plain honored I was even thought of. He asked for my resume so after hunting it down I added to it (he wanted EVERYTHING...college stuff, newspaper stuff, PR stuff) and then had a quick "meeting" with our Director of Guest Services. Last Thursday Mike pulled me off the floor during George Michael (sigh...still like his music...he sounded amazing) and offered me the position. I start after seeing Rob today!

I took my whole HP paycheck (it's summer...it wasn't huge) and bought some clothes I can wear in the office. We are way casual here. I haven't worn "real clothes" for work since I left the CC almost 7 years ago.

ED stuff...I am doing a lot better. I have stayed out of the gym (which is really bad, actually) and am trying to eat more and am successful most of the time. Huge problem with dairy. I had cut it out without realizing it and now even a glass of milk makes me sick. Seeing Toni tomorrow to work on that. I am thinking I may nee to take Lactaid for a bit and start back slowly.

I need to find that balance. I haven't gained a whole lot back, but a few pounds. Some of it may have simply been from properly rehydrating myself. I miss the gym and need to figure out how to just exercise for the sake of exercise and not because I need to burn 1000 calories per workout!

LIMBO

I hate limbo. Unfortunately, I am in a state of limbo in a few different areas of my life. Some of it is pretty much by choice and I take responsibility for that limbo. Other stuff is beyond my control and I am dealing with it as best I can. Depending on the day it can be well or can be a bit paralyzing. Or, as I told Rob, I try to push it all away because "I don't have time for limbo...too much is going on!"

The one area I can talk about is ED limbo. My vacation last month really through me off. I've come home and cannot get myself to the gym. Not that I don't need it, but I also came home and a week or so later I woke up (literally) to a major depressive episode and so I feel positive that I am up, groomed and dressed on a daily basis!

I was reading an ED bulletin board last night and was looking at an update from one woman going into treatment this weekend. I looked up the place where she is going and they had an EAT-26 test on the site. It's a screening test for EDs. Any score over 20 and they suggest seeing a professional. My score was over 2x the 20. Yeah...I think I was actually a bit surprised.

In the last few weeks I know I have gained back some of what I lost in the last few months. I feel very mixed about it. I know the reasons. I haven't been to the gym and have allowed myself to eat more than I have in a long time. That being said I know I am not eating near (at least most days) what I should be...but my vacation kind of ruined my toast and grilled veggies with lean protein every so often meal "plan." Not that I pigged out. BUT...Gina and I shared nachos at the Angels game. I think I had 2 beers during the week. Oh and my last day I had a Monte Cristo sandwich.

I did a ton of walking. In fact, I used to (both pre and post being really sick) take Main Street vehicles, the train, the monorail, etc. to get around Disneyland because it IS a ton of walking. This trip I only rode in the train because I wanted to ride in the Lily Belle and the monorail because I had just come from The Rain Forest Cafe and it was right there. I took stairs with gusto and even to my 5th floor hotel room. I thought that justified what I ate. In fact, I came home and scale really hadn't budged...woo hoo!

Since then I have just been lazy. Okay, it's laziness caused my depression, but it might be helped if I got off my behind and got back to the gym! I also have allowed more food to pass through my lips. Yes, a bit more in quantity, but also types of food. I have come home and kind of started eating more than grilled veggies and toast with some lean protein tossed in for good measure. However, now that my mom managed to get the bottom drawer of the oven open (woo hoo...thanks mom!), I can make my own grilled veggies as my stove top grill thingie was in that drawer!

I was on Google Reader this morning and read this (click on it...for some reason it didn't show up as a "clickable" link) The Weighting Game and thought about my own relationship with peanut butter. It is always the first thing that goes when I start restricting and the last thing I add back in. Not that I don't like it, but even when I allow myself to eat it it's not something I do on a regular basis. She also added her no fail PB cookie recipe. It's the same on I use when I make Doug, Rob and my grandpa cookies. That got me thinking as well.

In 2000 when I was at Remuda we had a cooking group. In one group we made cookies. Scary, yes, but you get 16 women recovering from an ED making chocolate chip cookies it is also chaotic and a bit of a "disaster." I stepped back, let others do what they needed to do and tried to not freak. At some point I was talking to my dietitian and talked about wanting to do a grocery trip/cooking experiential. We talked about the cookie thing and she agreed it would be a good idea to do it together. So, we made a menu and went grocery shopping. That was the first time I had done any real shopping in a year or so. That's when I changed my mind on dessert and wanted to make those cookies. I had one...maybe 2 and then gave the rest to my Psychiatrist. Found another fan for my baking and sent him a Christmas box the first 2 I was out.

I say I am in limbo because I have some choices to make. Head back to the gym and workout again like a mad woman. I truly do LOVE the 2 hour cardio workouts! Go back to the restrictive eating and keep losing weight..even if it's way slower than ever before or try to do moderate exercise and try to expand my horizons (AGAIN) with food even if I hate every minute of it.

Now that I am a little more nourished and my brain is working a bit better than it had been I see what is the healthy thing to do. But, the drive to feel empty, to deny myself what I want and to burn calories like there is no tomorrow is pulling at me.

Think, Think, Think...

I want to write about my vacation...in fact I will next week...but that's kind of not on my mind right now. It was a good week and I was very intentional about spending time with certain friends that have been the most supportive in the last several years. That was a great choice!

Yesterday Rob said he couldn't be sure what I was going to take from our session and I am pretty sure I attached myself to the wrong thing...but it got me thinking.

At one point he made a comment that I have to decide if the things in my life are worth living for or not and of they aren't to take my life. While I doubt that's what he wanted me to focus in on...since it has been an issue he should have known.

The fact is I have been under a suicide contract with him since 2003 which basically states that as long as I see him not only will I not do it...I will also not make an attempt. Doing so would mean automatic termination of therapy. That stupid little piece of paper has made a HUGE difference in keeping me somewhat sane and less impulsive. HOWEVER, given what he said, I now am thinking that maybe I should take the break he comes back to every few months and see what I really feel.

I have mixed feelings about it, but part of me wants to know.

This Week...

This was a good week to come "home." I didn't choose these dates for the reasons I am writing about, but because they worked out well for me. But, as I began thinking about this week, it was no accident.

Eight years ago tomorrow marks the date I made a half-hearted attempt at suicide. I went to church, came home and called my mom and grandma to tell them Happy Mother's Day and then took a few too many anti-depressants. There were a lot of "reasons." I was at my sickest (though still overweight...thanks PCOS!), I was depressed and my therapist was leaving. Big picture they are not good reasons (not that there is such a thing)...but it was enough to send me over the edge. I knew I wasn't safe. I lied to Marc and then called him later and told him I lied. Then two days later I called and told him what I had done. I was at the hospital when he finally checked messages and called me back. I don't know HOW I talked my way out of being admitted that night, but the psychiatrist let me go.

That happened, two days later he left and I went into the hospital for almost a week. I came home, went home to San Jose ended up in the ER for dehydration and started looking into IP treatment at Remuda.

The beauty of this week is being surrounded by friends who walked that road with me. I intended to not tell anyone I was here...but I got to Orange County and that all changed. I spent two hours with someone who never gave up on me. I lost a lot of friends and had a lot of relationships change because of the ED...but Kari was a rock. She got me out of my office once a week and was OK with the fact she ate and I drank Ensure Light. It was so good to have lunch with her. I even ate real food!

My chiropractor is the other person. He was the first person I told I relapsed. He acted as my doctor, my therapist and the catch all for a long time. He doesn't charge me for office visits (and hasn't for over 8 years) and he once told me that he would do whatever he could to minister to me. He has been a prayer warrior and outside of Rob is the only other human being I trust 100% with EVERYTHING. We've had our moments...mainly when I was really sick...but that hasn't changed our relationship.

In some ways I seem so different than I was then and in others it's like yesterday. All things considered I am in a better place emotionally, but I still miss Marc at times and it's no secret there are times I wish I had succeeded in ending it and let's face it...I am close to or possibly IN a relapse...but as long as I am still breathing there is still hope.

Tomorrow I will go back to Disneyland/DCA and then see my chiropractor afterward. It feels so good to see him this week. It feels good to have people in "real time" that I know haven't given up on me even though I keep falling over and over. I'll again acknowledge the day but then go on with the day. I still have a jungle to cruise, a land full of fantasy to explore and a trip on the Rivers of America needs be taken! Then I will drive to Irvine, sign in and tell Doug once again how happy I am he is in my life and how much he means to me.

On Saturday I will try and remember what Marc's letter said to me and try to block out the questions he left me with when my stupid stunt trumped what I think we both wanted our last session to be.

I am trying to depend on walking around instead of killing myself in the workout room here at the hotel. I am not a treadmill or bike person so it's the best option. I was doing fine on no food until I got off Space Mountain. I can't believe I paid $1.75 for a banana! Better that then hitting the pavement.

Went to ESPN Zone for dinner. Couldn't finish it. I ate all the chicken, but there was enough pasta there for three people! I hated leaving it because it was really good, but there was no way I was going to put that much food in this body!

Day 1 (well...evening 1)

Day 1

Today is my first full day. I drove down yesterday and it only took 5 1/2 hours. Hmmm... I wasn't going THAT fast and other cars were passing me.

I wanted to sleep in, but that wasn't to be! So, I am up and showered. I need to pack up in an hour or so. I think I'll do the pedicure before I go semi-surprise my chiropractor. He knows I am coming...just not sure when I'll show up in his office.

Tonight my friend Steve and I will head out to the Angels game. The picture is from last year. This year I got us tickets on the Club level. That should be fun...and they do in seat service!

Food stuff has me stressed. I am hoping away from the eyes of my mom and stuff that maybe I can normalize it a little...take in a bit more than I am now. Thankfully, there is Bengal BBQ at Disneyland and I could eat there 24/7.

I just need to keep in mind that for four days of this trip I am going to be walking...a lot and that means it's OK to eat more/different stuff than I have been in the last few months.

The BIG Question...

Let me just say that my ED as well as almost everyone else who has or has had an ED is NOT vanity related...not at the heart of it anyway. I think that's clear, but one would be amazed how many out there believe it is all about food/weight/looking good, etc. I just kind of liked the graphic.

That being said, I can't deny that the weight loss for me isn't a good thing. It has helped with the PCOS stuff (though frankly it's making my cycle go all wonky) and while I truthfully don't SEE it or even feel it really...I know how my clothes fit...as in NOTHING fits. I may not be able to deny it, but Toni does. She very much feels that weight loss for me is not needed right now because the point was to get me in a stable eating pattern for a period of time before it was addressed. I am not sure when I decided I hated weighing XXX (yeah...like I'd actually admit how much) and needed to do something about it. IMHO, a 30+ pound loss in three months is not excessive or too quick a loss. I have dropped that much a lot quicker in the past. I am NOT at the gym 7 days a week (heck...I think I am looking at only 2x this week), I am NOT purging and I AM eating (sort of). And, other than the first week in April when I had those almost passing out problems I have been fine.

Who am I trying to convince? Those who still may read blog this or myself? Toni pretty much thinks I have relapsed, I won't ask Rob because his answer will be, "It doesn't matter what I think...what do you think?" He also seems to think if I choose to make the right decisions I am going to be able to pick up a fork and eat a plate of pasta (in a moderate amount, of course). I think that's where a disconnect is happening. I stare at menus, I stare into the fridge and I want to eat...I really do...but there are times where I honest to goodness simply "can't."

I have always found the "fat aspect" fascinating with my whole ED-NOS diagnosis. It is what it is because I AM overweight (thanks to PCOS and some unhealthier eating habits growing up I'm sure), but my thought process and my tendencies all lean toward anorexia. It's almost funny being afraid of getting fat (though I guess "fatter" is more appropriate) when one already is 40+ pounds overweight...but there it is. It's real. I am often in the mindset that whatever I eat is immediately going to turn me into a bigger blimp than I am now, but I have to allow some stuff because I need to keep the body functioning and that includes a bit of actual fat. Yes, intellectually I know the fat in food and the fat in my body are not the same thing...but in the moment that doesn't help nor convince me that I need it.

I no longer weigh what my CDL says I do. I hadn't been at that weight in ages and I am now below it. Believe me, the weight ON my CDL is way above my IBW in the first place...but I was heavier than it said. But, as a few of us were talking about...how many women put their true weights down in the first place!

Do I think I have relapsed? No. I just don't. I think I have hit a rather large bump in the road, but that I am nowhere near relapse. I need to figure out what I am getting from this bump
in the road to keep it going and that is where I am stuck. I don't feel as if I am getting anything out of it. Rob says if I didn't I'd stop. I am getting frustrated at myself, I am getting to where there are a fewer are fewer things I feel comfortable eating (though I did add eggs in)...but beyond that I am not sure what the payoff is for me. Except I can now tap my collarbone!

Excessive? Me?

I didn't win the BLTM contest. I am actually not sure how much of a shot I really had...but I did come in 5th! I am trying to be positive about it and coming in 5th and that fact I was able to lose almost 30 pounds in 12 weeks while battling (well...living with) PCOS is actually pretty cool.

The last two weeks I started kicking up my cardio. I LOVE cardio. I could do cardio for a long time and not care in the least. Give me my ipod, some great stuff on said ipod, a bottle of water and a towel and I'm good to go! I was doing one hour of cardio each time I hit the gym. Now I try to do between and hour and fifty minutes and two hours. The above machine, along with the elliptical, are my machines of choice.

I honestly do not see 2 hours as excessive. At least not now. Maybe when I hit my IBW, maybe if I dipped below my bottom range...but not now. My dietitian, however, told me it was excessive and to listen to my body. Hmmm... If it were excessive I think my body would not be happy. So far...so good.

This is the TMI part of it (so feel free to stop reading) all. I run my hand down my arms and I can feel the muscles in my arms. It's pretty amazing as my upper body is a zillion times weaker than my lower body. All that standing at the HP has helped I'm sure. I have been working my upper body (well...my whole body) with strength training and I can feel the results even if one can't SEE them. The extra skin, however, is becoming an issue.

My thighs are the same way. The cross trainer along with the strength training has made them stronger and again you can see it in my quads when I kinda flex them. BUT...and I think this is another thing with the PCOS...you cannot tell because my thighs are HUGE. This isn't body image distortion...it's true. It's not the natural "spread" when one sits down. This is you can tell I have lost weight there but there is so much extra skin and stuff that my legs looks worse now that when I was 30 pounds heavier.

I was reading an article in "Clean Cooking" magazine about a supplement that could help with it and it may be working, but makes the extra skin thing worse. For the first time I might actually be able to say I have pretty good legs...but that just ruins it.

I am hoping/praying as the weight continues to come off this will rectify itself somewhat. I was truly horrified last night.

After a day break it is back to the gym and back to my 2 hours on cardio and 30 minutes or so of strength training. This will be "discussed" with Toni on Friday. Ugh!

Not a Bigger Loser Than Marko...

...the man LOST over 60 pounds! Without totally falling into ED behaviors I couldn't even hope to have done that! That is so awesome!

My final weight loss is just under 30 pounds. Had we been able to go the weekend (like every other week) I would have hit it for sure. Had I not taken a gym break when I was crazy busy I would have made my goal.

So, I have quite a bit to go until I hit the top of my IBW, another three months stint like this after that to get to the bottom. My guess is my the end of the year, if all goes as planned and I don't pig out on vacation, I can get to my mid-range.

Weird Dreams...

The last couple of nights I have had a couple weird dreams. You have seen my picture...I have not now nor will ever need an NG tube...but that's what has been going on in my dreams.

I am at some really, really bad treatment center...not that you can't find ways no matter where you are...but in this dream this is a particularly bad center. For some odd reason, I am there and even odder have an NG tube. I am not any thinner than I am now so I have no clue why I'd have one, except maybe that has always been a fear of mine.

Maybe it's the lack of food. No, this weekend I ate and feel like I ate and ate and ate. Two days of feeling a little dizzy, a little lightheaded and just a little "off" forced me to eat way more than I probably have in any other four day period in weeks. Of course, in terms of the contest, I lost NOTHING last week and am not so sure about this week. I work tonight through Saturday at the HP and today through Sunday at church. I need to at least get cardio in three days this week. Granted, today and Thursday I will be doing a lot of standing. I assume the samw thing for Rascal Flatts on Friday...but Wednesday and Saturday I SIT the whole time. Grrrr....

I had a strange but good session with Rob. He told me, AGAIN, he won't get all uptight about my silences and that maybe I need them. I emailed him later and told him I hoped he meant it because he has said it before and it hasn't lasted long. I think if he really means it that will actually help stop the lapses into silence because I won't feel pressured to hurry up and say something. He also told me that he will no longer ask me if I have cut or purge. He will leave it up to me to talk to him about urges or if I actually do either. That being said, if I wait weeks to tell him that would probably mean either termination or a break. That's fine. In 3 1/2 years I have not slipped with purging and only had one incident of SI last June.

The "funny" thing is he is not concerned with the restriction...which ED is having a field day with. He told me that at least I am eating something. I won't go into calorie counts...but he is right. I am eating something. Forget the fact that I walked around Whole Food for an HOUR last Thursday before I could find something that was OK for me to eat. The zucchini from the hot self serve deli was really good and the roasted mushroom salad wasn't too bad either...even if it was pasta.

I saw Toni on Friday and told her that no matter how much I am struggling and am, of course, not sorry about the weight loss, that I take no pleasure in what's happening. I hate that I am struggling and at the same time have no clue how to stop it. Please, please, please don't say "just stop" or "eat more" because that does not work and food honest to goodness plain scares me right now. I know what to do, but it's like I am frozen and can't/won't take those steps.

I think one of the hardest things about the contest is reading about how people won't eat this or that and I suppose it's a blessing I do hear Toni's voice telling me there are no good or bad foods. Food is food and all is allowed in moderation! Even where i am now that gives me a little freedom. If I want toast...I am going to eat toast. Okay, my food choices are pretty much limited to veggies and toast. Seriously. Unless I am pressed or in a position to have to eat something else...that's all I eat anymore. Oh...grapes. During my hour of walking Whole Foods I bought grapes. But that's it. I don't eat anything else much.

ED basically tells me that if everyone else in the contest isn't eating X, Y or Z then I can top that and not eat A-U. I need to stop listening to ED. But part of me figures why bother? Nineteen years...he has been in my brain for nineteen years in some way, shape or form. What if I have used all my chances to recover? What if the best I can get is a way to live with ED without doing major damage to my body? I am beginning to wonder. If I fall flat on my face there will be no IP again.

Yet even as I type all this out, I firmly believe in full recovery. I KNOW people who have and/or in the process. I think I may be questioning if that is going to happen for me.

I Could Die Happy...

That was my Tuesday night!

The "R" Word Part 2

I found this picture on doing an image search. This is pretty close to what I see in the mirror.











According to my camera...this is what I looked like Easter Sunday.




Ugh. I cannot believe I actually posted a real picture...but it goes along with this post so what the heck. People have seen this picture in other places anyway. The two aren't that far off...so that Toni emailed me last week and basically told me I am relapsing really makes me laugh. I am so far from relapse it's nutty. I eat, I do not throw up (been just over 3.5 years!!), I am a cow to begin with and am only down just under 10% of where I was 8 weeks ago.

Rob and I are having some difficulties in our sessions...but they will work themselves out as always. He admitted he is losing patience...but today went well once we really got into everything and he got that that I don't have feelings attached to some stuff that happened as a kid that has caused me to feel that I am just plain bad and wrong. He kept saying "that's what you believe...what do you feel?" I finally told him that I can picture what happened...but the stuff from when I was 4 until I was a little older I don't know what I felt. He got that. That was a good thing.

The one thing that I know I need work on (besides EVERYTHING) is my belief that there is no way I can work on the emotional stuff without using behaviors. I admit it. I am avoiding having to feel a lot of this stuff as we dig in more and restricting will help get me through it. I have never been able to do both the food stuff and the emotional stuff at the same time outside of IP. Well that can never happen again so I have to learn how.

The "R" Word

No one has used the "r" word yet...but I know it's on their minds. My appointment with Toni was probably the hardest one I have EVER had with her in five years!

I had to commit to one step this week. It will be milk. I realized I quit drinking it. Actually, I have cut most protein and most not whole grain carbs (which I know is a GOOD thing) out of my food choices with the exception of popcorn. In fact, with few exceptions, I am living on popcorn, veggies and a little lean protein if I think about it. Yes, I know this is not smart, good nor helpful...that's why I have Toni. :)

I honestly told her I don't know what to eat anymore. She told me that tells her that I have restricted what I will allow myself to eat so much that at this point I face a battle to not purge when I eat something not on my list. She's right. I haven't purged and haven't really come close...but the few times lately when I am having to eat things I am not comfortable with but need to in order to do what I need to do I have wanted to get rid of it.

I didn't realize how much I have cut out of what was an infinite choice of food in the last several weeks. I guess peanut butter should have been my first clue because I ALWAYS cut it out first. I just didn't think about it. The sad thing is I am EXCITED I haven't put a potato chip in my mouth in months. Not that anyone needs chips...but if you look back to December I was flipping eating lobster rolls and ice cream!

Salad dressing that isn't that isn't fat free will not pass my lips. I have become a fan of diet soda (Sprite Zero is my friend) and I think my mother has no clue what to think. Sometimes she seems to think everything is OK and other times she appears to be making an effort to shop (I do most of it...but she has to at times) for what she thinks I might eat because she knows something not quite right.

Rob and I have been tackling this every session for weeks now. I think Toni and I are finally able to connect every other week (with frequent emails) now that most of my busy schedule is behind me and this is a good thing.

But I really do think it's pathetic the only step I could give her is to try and add milk in the next couple weeks. At least it can be fat free milk! That is NOT and ED thing. I accidentally bought some when I was 10 and my mom said I had to drink it. Totally developed a taste for it and now that is pretty much all I will drink. It seems stupid to be a cow and order a non-fat "whatever at Starbucks...but that's what type of milk I am used to drinking.

Later this week I will try and post something happier because it was a great morning at church. I missed 95% of the service due to the breakfast and egg hunt...but I got to see a bunch of "my kids" get confirmed and/or baptized and that was amazing!

Bumps Along the Way...

No one ever said this was going to be easy. But, as I am a few short weeks from the 5th anniversary of my last IP treatment, one would think it would be a bit easier by now.

I told Rob yesterday that we would still be having this food/weight/exercise/scale/ED obsession conversation contest or no contest...the contest just accelerated it all. I don't see it as a bad thing because it's actually been "great" talking about the ED stuff...or the root of it.

Back in December he said this to me at one point: "When are you going to talk about something important?" That sent me reeling and we were about to go into a break because of the holidays. I was upset, I was mad and I was a little confused. I remember telling him I thought I HAD been. Now, chances are I started to go off on a tangent and I lost him...it happens a lot...but that comment opened my eyes to stuff...I just haven't bee sure what that stuff was. I wrote him a ranting letter about him giving me a reality check, etc., but when he asked me about it in January I couldn't tell him why and we talked through the rest of it. Since then it hasn't really let me go.

The last couple weeks I have been finally able to formulate some of what was going on in my head into some words. I tried to spit them out yesterday and thank God (literally) He gave Rob the wisdom and discernment to figure out exactly what I meant. Okay, almost 5 1/2 years helps as well...but I was having trouble and Rob got it and said back to me exactly what I was trying to say.

I love my job at the HP. God has used it in amazing ways. I love the guests (most of the time), I love the people I work with (with few exception), I love the sups (more and more all the time), Mike & David are great guys and it has given me a huge confidence/competence/a bunch of other stuff boost. The majority of the time I do what I do because I am there to serve the guests, our department, etc. and not for what I might or might not get from it. I have been absolutely blessed that they have seen something in me that has allowed me some additional training opportunities and responsibility and most nights I can walk out of there pretty sure I have served our guests, fellow staff and sups to the best of my abilities though there are nights I walk out of there kicking myself for some dumb mistakes (i.e. telling a guest to go left rather than right). I feel good about that stuff, but I don't do it to feel good about myself. I guess that's not 100% true. I guess that is the result of doing my job fairly well most of the time, but not my sole motivation.

My point? In that moment Rob said what he did...I realized that I really still hate myself. It is such a conflict because I see what God has done/is doing through this job and at church and yet the feeling of being a waste of space and wanting to take up less space is there.

Yesterday Rob talked about taking care of myself (more than just the grooming/every day stuff) because I have a lousy relationship with myself. He's not really wrong I guess. I told him that I know the big picture of what's going to happen if I keep messing up and I told him there is a part of me that doesn't care and part of me hates that part with a passion. What I need to tell him that I didn't before I left yesterday is that I don't matter. At work what the guests need, what others need from me when I am there is paramount. I wouldn't have it any other way. At church...the kids come first and foremost.

Don't ask me how eating below XXXX calories is going to help anyone...but I am somehow convinced it will. I told him as long as I am not purging what's the big deal? I then told him I know what the big deal is and that's where the "I don't care" stuff came in.

We went over the 50 minutes or whatever we usually do this week...over an hour. So we either went 10 minutes over or 20. That time has been a gift.

So, tonight it is back to Sharks and hopefully our 11th win in a row. The excitement is going to be amazing in the bowl tonight and I get to be there. Wow!

JH Retreat!

Here are some pix...more to come!

Ummm...Yeah...

I trust my therapist. After God...I trust him the most. Seriously. I may want to kick him in the teeth every now and then...but I trust him completely.

Today he used words he has never used before...I am not sure if he did it to shock me, to knock me into reality or because he thinks I am not doing so well. He essentially said if I keep this up at the rate I am going...I'm going to end up dead and still hating my body. He has NEVER said that when it comes to ED stuff...not in five years. He said that he never realized (and that I might not have realized) how much I am still obsessed with food and weight...that it's probably still been there...even with the recovery I do have...and that the contest has exacerbated that obsession.

I have a lot of problem with what he said for a lot of reasons. But, I also have reason to stop and listen and process what he said. Next week...after the retreat...

I know my obsession with food has grown exponentially to ED levels. I love Food Network. However, I know it's bad when I watch it with no intention of making anything I see...just think about how I could, how good it would taste and how "strong" I am for not eating boneless, skinless chicken thighs.

I know my preoccupation almost made me take header down the stairs at work last night. I can't blame it on my pants because I got my new, smaller pair yesterday and and so I know longer walk on said pants. I also know that I am wildly distracted.

The thing is...the contest has very little to do with any of this. It came along at a time that some of what's been going on had already been set in motion for reasons that have NOTHING to do with food and weight and everything to do with stuff that caused the ED in the first place. I made that clear today and he knew it...but I think he wanted me to say the words.

Like I told him...I could be 95 pounds and would still not like my body...so it isn't a food/weight issue...it's a whole lot of other stuff.

If anything, this contest is helping me to stick with the core reasons for the ED and to really chip away at stuff. Not that I have been spinning my wheels for the last few years in treatment...but a lot of time has been spent on ending behaviors, a lot of time has been me to afraid to risk and some time has been spent talking sports and movies!

Just Breathe...

I need to remind myself of this often. I am really busy at the HP, at church and with this contest.

Met with my dietitian on Friday and while she didn't tell me I should quit...she is trying to pull me away from the more self destructive patterns that I have started to engage in since starting this thing. I had to give her three things I am willing to do.

I had actually weaned myself OFF the darn scale the last few months...again! And it was sticking for the most part. Since the contest kicked off I have been on the scale from 1-3 times a day every day. I think we are still in negotiations about how often. I need to re-read her email. She wants me off of it 100%...but that can't be a real attempt until after the contest.

The other thing is the gym. I want 4-6 days a week...she wants three. But we are going to leave this one for our next meeting. With my schedule lately the three is as good as it gets...but that will change. We also disagree on intensity.

The last thing is getting my calories up. I realize with an already screwed up metabolism that major restriction (or burning all I eat through exercise) is not helpful. In my head I know that...but the rest of me can't stand the thought of exercising and then "contaminating" my body by eating more. Again...something we will discuss when I see her next. It's not going to be fun!

The big glaring question, to me, is do I want to relapse? The honest answer is I don't know. There is s till that huge self destructive side of me that says I don't deserve recovery, I don't deserve what is happening at the HP, etc. Part of me thinks I can do this smarter this time around. The fact is I DO need to lose weight. The fact also remains I have a few things working against me and that I should be more understanding with myself...but I really don't know how.

I ended up eating way more (i.e. closer to what I am supposed to be eating) over the weekend and I noticed how clear my thinking became. That should tell me I need to stop. But the darned ED voice has been pretty quiet and that I love.

The Mind is a Terrible Thing...

We kicked off week 4 of "Are You a Bigger Loser Than Marko?" this week. My head is doing weird things. Like I had dinner the other night and as I was debating if the food should stay in my body I would have sworn that I could see my stomach getting bigger than it is now.

Today, after I worked out I would have sworn the same thing. It was like the shower gave my stomach time to expand about three inches.

The worst thing (okay...trying to keep from relapsing is the worst thing) is I have lost almost x number of pounds and you can't even tell. I am such a cow that it doesn't even show. Hours at the gym and eating well (okay...I generally do...maybe "barely eating" is more truthful) and you'd never know I have lost the weight.

:(

Williams died from an overdose of sleeping pills, a suicide that was "a direct result of her internal battle with the eating disorder," her sister, Bebe W. Reed, told The Times. "She said she could not fight the fight any longer." LA Times 2/16

I was really "hoping" her heart had just simply stopped. I lost a good friend from treatment almost 18 months because her heart just gave out (and they thought suicide at first) and while I obviously don't want anyone dead from an ED...I'd rather it be a direct cause than this. The scary part...with my friend, with Polly, with two other friends that I am so afraid I am going to lose...they are believers and they DO love God (as did Polly)...but this IS a psychological disease and not one of vanity and it can be so easy to judge. Not saying that about anyone I know...but I know how many times I have heard over the last 19 years, "If you just had enough faith..." Guess what? If I didn't...I'd be dead. I truly don't get how anyone can go through this and not have God and His strength when things get really hard/painful/etc. I know I am standing and still alive because of Him...which makes still struggling at times really hard.

It's been a lousy few days. My body just quit on me yesterday. I couldn't do anything. Today is better...but I am between work things and then youth group so I doubt I'll make the gym (AGAIN...^$$#*&#@~!) again today. That means I didn't go 2 days in a row! Ugh! I am hoping I made up for it a little by my food intake...but the scale is NOT my friend right now! I did order a Yoga DVD just for some relaxation.

Anyway, off to the HP for a two hour sit on my big behind meeting. If we get out early...I may be able to fit cardio in.