Donating Blood

Finally plucked up my courage to donate blood on Wednesday. I've been thinking about it for a few years, but was always too scared of the needle. There was always the fact that I'd just fallen sick or just come back from overseas. This time, though, the stars seemed to be aligned, so I thought I'd just go ahead.

I was very honest with the nurse (in the picture) that I was super nervous about donating blood, especially the point where they would insert the needle and leave it there for awhile. This is because when I was younger, I was super skinny and my veins could never be seen. The nurses often neglected to see this prior to inserting the needle, so they always had to wriggle it around inside to find my veins. THAT HURT. Worse still, there was once where they couldn't find my veins in my elbows, and had to shift to the back of my hand. When that failed as well, they turned to my wrist. It was bruised for the next few days. As I have grown and gained weight, it has become easier to find my veins. However, it doesn't make the idea of needles being inserted into me any easier. Haha... Well, but I digress. So after I confessed to the nurse that I was very scared of the needle, she took really good care of me. She was soothing, and let me know what was going to happen at each stage of the process. And surprisingly, the insertion of the needle wasn't too painful! I just winced and whimpered once and it was done. I couldn't really feel the needle inside me as I squeezed the stress ball, which was good. I had been expecting to feel the needle inside each time I squeezed, and that added to my fear. So.. you see? My mind was definitely magnifying how scary the whole situation was. Mine hadn't reached a phobic intensity, but already I was so scared. I guess this makes it more clear how courageous people with phobias are to finally confront their fears.

While donating blood, I was also thinking, I, as a healthy person, am able to decide when and how often I want to donate blood. This process is somewhat similar to dialysis, I imagine. But people on dialysis don't have a choice. They need to have a needle stuck in them 3 times a week - well, haemo-dialysis, that is - which is more than I can take. Imagine facing the same pain and possible bruising each time. Just one time for me and I had a bit of difficulty lifting my arm the first night. =S

After this whole event, I feel really good about myself. Not only did I go ahead with my values despite being scared, I also contributed to the community. It is nice to know that I may have helped save the life of someone who desperately needs blood from my blood group. =)

Wan Yu asked me if I would consider bone marrow donation. That gave me pause. I am keen on doing that, knowing that there is a real shortage of bone marrow donors, and those who need it would really really benefit from it. One of my friends from my CCA in uni has been diagnosed with leukaemia, and I'd really like to think I'm helping his cause. But I'm still scared of the pain! This time, instead of taking blood from the arm, spinal fluid is taken out. Just thinking about it gives me the shudders. I might give it more thought over time, but for now, I think I'll just concentrate on giving blood.

Research is a long and lonely road. Knowing that there is a link between my research and my journey through research used to be reassuring and fill me with motivation whenever I read my research papers, but now I'm left wondering when this will end. What do I need to do to get a reply? Is this a dead end or am I supposed to persevered? They say success comes to those who try. I've tried in as many avenues as I could, I've called as many times as is appropriate, but still no reply. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. We've always been taught to think positively, Facebook is full of positive affirmations. These encourage us to think that we matter, but really, in the whole scheme of things, in a large organization, we're nothing but a fly whose existence is observed when everyone is free but ignored when everyone else is busy. I keep waiting for that life-changing email which never comes. I've been calling till I believe the other party has now sent an email informing admin not to page him if there is a phone call. I believe the secretary also knows who I am and what to do with my calls now. But what else am I to do? Other organizations are behaving in the same way. Is it so hard to tell me whether they will work with me or not? I will be disappointed, yes, but I can move on with my life and I can prepare for other eventualities. My life is put on hold and I can't organize my sponsorship stuff.

Please remind me not to be like that to future students. It's cruel.

A Chance to Speak

Its been a rollercoaster of experiences since the last time I blogged.

Finally things are moving for the research, albeit slowly. At least they are replying, and I've got a (kind of) promise for advocating for me. I'm hoping things will gain momentum and I can move on with my research. It's frustrating sitting here not knowing what's going on or how I can remedy any mistake I might have overlooked, not knowing if I could have phrased something better or more politely or anything. It's also frustrating not having any control over the hospital's decision process and when they will give me a reply. Uncertainty has always been my weakness. I was reading Yalom's book on existential psychotherapy, and he was saying that anxiety is borne out of a fear of no-thing. Indeed, uncertainty is a vacuum for which the future is unknown. I feel that vague navel-pulling, heart flutter sense of nervousness when I think about the state of my research and that I'm always one day nearer to going back to Singapore.

It seems like the theme of 2012 is one of being in limbo. I'm in limbo regarding when I have to go back to serve my bond, I'm in limbo regarding my research, and in association with these, I'm in limbo regarding my accommodation. The landlord has plans to renovate the house I'm staying in, and he is kind enough to let me stay on till whenever I leave, but that's on the assumption that I'll be leaving latest by February of next year. So beyond that, who knows what will happen? I'm loathe to pack and unpack and pack again in a few months, but I'm even more loathe to go back to Singapore if I haven't even collected my data. Arghhhhh

And a drama of another sort is playing out on the undergrad front. Seriously, I don't remember having this sort of drama back in NTU. And boy-girl relationships are always the messiest, especially when they involve passive-aggressive members. And just so happens I'm caught in the middle of it, and I want to remain friends with both, but the situation seems a bit precarious now, with me looking like I'm on the side of one and not the other simply because of the presence of my name on a post. Ahh.... I  can see how each of them contributed to the situation that it is today, and I think it's a normal process of interpersonal relationships to have those responses when you face those stimuli. But seriously, withdrawing from the main group and making assumptions about how everyone else feels about you is not going to make their lives better. I feel sad over the potential loss of a friendship, but this brings about deeper emotions for me. I didn't get an opportunity to explain my thoughts about this to one of the players. And having an assumption made about me when I haven't been given a heads-up about the reception to what I'm going to say or without bothering to try to find out what we think, makes me anxious and striving to seek control of the situation.

Logically, I know that the safest option for me now is to keep quiet about the situation and not partake in anymore of this situation which I had already inadvertently got myself into simply because I was asking after the well-being of one of the players. I don't regret asking after the player's well-being, because I was being a friend. I just wished I didn't have to face the implications of this. It was more responsibility than I asked for. But if I were to be honest with myself, I would definitely have been curious as to what was actually going on. So just be careful what you wish for, kids.

Come on, give people a chance. You never know what they are thinking or are willing to do to help or remedy the situation until you actually talk to them. And by this, I mean research and the drama that is unfolding and threatening to have greater collateral damage than might have been intended.

Early Mornings!

I like being by myself in the mornings. There's something about the quietness in the early mornings that makes going to placement really quite enjoyable. I only just realised it this morning as I was walking towards my placement. I realised it was very peaceful, and I didn't have to make random small conversation with anyone. I could just enjoy the moment and the scenery around me. It was just me, alone with my surroundings, not even my thoughts were intruding. It's really peaceful when the mind keeps quiet and I engage only with my senses. That's one bright point in my early mornings! =)

It's a Long, Long Journey...

Till I get where I'm supposed to be.

After the last post, I went back to Singapore, had a whirlwind of a time, and had to literally tear myself away from what was dear to me to come back. The same dilemmas, same questions arose in me - why did I choose to extend my degree? Why did I choose to pursue postgrad? Why why why?? This does seem in contrast to the last post, doesn't it? I thought so. But I'm still in the throes of homesickness, I think lamenting about what I've left behind is warranted. Hong Hui once told me that leaving home to go overseas is a loss, and there is a grieving process after one leaves home. And I agree. One faces the loss of everyone's life going on without one, and not being around for the changes that happen to one's close ones. One loses the comfort one has known all one's life, and has to get used to a new status quo, even though said status quo has been established for awhile now.

And while I was in Singapore, I could hide behind that fact that I was on holidays and things could wait till I got back to settle. I was living under the illusion of truckloads of time, and man, was I good at escaping! Part of the inertia in wanting to come back to Perth was the fact that I would have to confront my research and the huge amount of admin stuff I would have to handle on my own. Dammit! And my ethics and program of study writeup. Argh...

I'm an escapist, and it gives me lots of relief to escape on a regular basis. I think that's not necessarily a good thing, but it's not bad either. For one, it allows me to detach after a day of work with clients. I need to switch off and not think of their problems, because I can't solve everyone's problems, particularly when they are not motivated to do so. But when escapism becomes a problem like how I've been avoiding work since I went back to Singapore.... Well, I definitely need to work on them. So the last few days has been a job in self-discipline, making myself sit down to think about the ethics application and finding out deadlines, and what is actually needed, and scheduling meetings with Angela for which I have absolutely no bloody idea what we are going to talk about. Can't say I'm proud of that, but I'm really hoping I'll be able to get at least one ethics application in by the time Kok Yong comes here to visit me.

Ah, Kok Yong. The main man in my life in at least 2 years' time. For those who didn't know, Kok Yong and I are engaged. The sweet guy proposed to me while in Taiwan, and thinking about the expression on his face as he was proposing still brings a smile to my face. This relationship is one I'll never regret, and I look forward to it with bated breath. He's been good for me, a strong anchor when I fly off on a tangent, a partner in many other things. We've experienced so much together and he's been so patient and so generous with me that I don't think I can ever find someone else like him. He's also one of the reasons why I'm thankful my life course has turned out the way it has. And the sweet man secretly bought tickets to come to Perth over Chinese New Year to keep me company, despite having to miss one of his classes, and forgo Chinese New Year with his family. The things he does for me, I'll always be in awe of.

And my family... What can I say? They are the best. They have stood by me all this time, always offering support and encouragement. They are there to keep me company when I'm lonely, and are always happy to see me. I owe it to them to be where I am today. Coming back here makes me realise that nothing can replace the fuzzy feeling inside you when you are back home. It's that comfortable feeling of knowing you can be who and what you wanna be at that moment, and that you can be as nua and as unglam as you want.

I've enjoyed my break at home in Singapore, and now, it's time to roll up my sleeves and get the rest of the show moving. Because, I can't wait to get to the end point where I find my way home to you.