Finding Meaning

This is going to be the focus of my dissertation, for parents who have found out that their child may not, or definitely cannot, lead the same lives as other children can. Based on what the literature on meaning making suggests, when parents find out that their child may not have the same kind of life as what other children can have, psychological discomfort arises, because they experience a discrepancy between their long-held assumptions (that the world makes sense, the world is benevolent and just) and the reality that their child, or them, who is innocent and has/have never done anything bad in his/her/their life, is not going to be rewarded. The world just suddenly doesn't make sense anymore, one can never count on things to remain the same. So my research is designed to help these parents find meaning in their situation and be able to cope, even though it is not a pleasant situation to be in.

Why am I talking about this? Dhyan said she felt it was no coincidence that my research would have a meaning making focus, because in some ways, I am starting to discover meaning in my life. And I agree. I am starting to see that life's twists and turns do not always necessarily bring me to a bad place in the end. It might feel like that at that point in time, but really, if I just hang on long enough and continue with the way I want to live, things will turn out fine in the end.

I used to, or still do, live in a very sheltered world. In particular, I was a SNOB in primary and secondary school. It hurt me a lot when I didn't do well in my O levels and had to go to a JC that most students in my secondary school didn't go to. But I gained my confidence in JC, I became more mature, and more open-minded. I saw and experienced things which I wouldn't have experienced at all. At the time, I couldn't see past the possibility that I could have not gone there had I worked harder, or been more confident, or had more self-esteem. But I see now that going to my JC was a necessary path in my life, because it changed me for the better, and made me get closer to Evon. I needed to go through that. I became more patient, and more accepting of others, and I got to know who I was better.

This made me ready for my undergrad days when I decided to do psychology. I learnt a lot about myself then, and also grew to accept that I would not give up some things about myself. Discovering my weaknesses wasn't the most pleasant, but having the confidence to know them and to become comfortable with them is something that I managed to do, and something that will always be an ongoing process for me. But the journey in my undergrad days made it gentle on me to learn about myself, and I love myself more than I did when I was in secondary school.

Fast forward to now, when I am in Perth doing my postgrad and pursuing my dream of becoming a psychologist. I think I have done reasonably well in my life, and, you know, without the commencement of self-discovery in JC and a deeper one in NTU, I wouldn't have been able to gain so much insight about myself. Now, the choice still remains as to whether I want to keep or let go of some of the emotional baggage, but I do know that whatever decision I make, it's not something I will regret, because I've resolved it and made peace with myself. I think I've also grown stronger in the time I've been away from home. I've learnt to assert myself and live independently. I've learnt how to take care of myself, emotionally and physically, and I'm really proud of that. I would love to go home, yes, but I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

Looking back, I've realised that everything that has happened has been for the best. And some of the decisions that I made, such as continuing to do the best I could in spite of being disappointed, have helped. I think I've learnt that in every situation, as long as I remember what I'm there for, and work towards it, living in the moment and trying my best, things will turn out for the best. And that includes everything - relationships, family, work, friends, etc. I know now that if my research were to extend and I couldn't go back to Singapore in time, I would be able to live with it. I am able to live with disappointments and be open to any other possibility open to me.

Dhyan also told me that I don't have to try to be myself. I do still feel like I have to, in order to please others. But I've come a very long way from who I used to be. I still have a long way more to go, but I'll get there.

Being Mindful

Got emotional while reading one of the family's blogs. It made me tear at some of the more pensive statements about her life. It's hard to accept that everyone else's life goes on, whether or not we are there with them. Just like how I wish I could be with everyone while I'm here in Perth, while wanting to lead my own life and experience life abroad on my own while here. While we gain something, we lose something. It's kind of like the dog in Aesop's fables. Perhaps we really shouldn't be too greedy.

There was a picture on Facebook today as well, with a quote by the Dalai Lama, saying that Man spends his time wanting other things and not looking at what they had in the present, in the end dying without having really lived. I guess that's what I've been doing - yearning for the past and future, but never really accepting what is happening in the present. I do enjoy what I'm getting here at the moment, but I don't think I've ever stopped to fully appreciate that I've got the chance of a lifetime here that many others can only dream or fantasize about. Yet here I am, going on about being over my life here. I learnt many things here in Perth - not only about clients, but also about myself. I learnt to be stronger, to be more independent, to be more assertive. I wouldn't want to change the person I have become here.

It's time to focus on the present, and take what I can get from this.

Loss

Just read on Facebook that one of my secondary school schoolmates' mother had passed away in April. Well I'm not in any way close to him, but I still feel very sad about it. Losing someone close to you is something nobody ever gets used to, including those around you.

I couldn't help thinking what would happen if the loss happened to me one day. I know I would be devastated. Imagine knowing that the person you love or have known all your life leaving you. No more phone calls, no more Skype, no more nagging. Doesn't the theme of Beautifully Imperfect fit this? We start to miss everything about the person - how we wish that person would quarrel with us once more, nag at us once more... could haves, would haves, and should haves would be flooding through our minds.

I wanted to leave a message for this schoolmate, but I wasn't sure what to say. I'm not close to him; what could I say that he hasn't heard before? What could I say that would make him feel better? Nothing. It's hard to put into words the multitude of feelings you feel towards a person's situation when you start to think that that could happen just as easily to you and the implications of that loss. It's a bit of an easy thing to say, but I hope he feels better soon and know that perhaps his mother is in a better place now with no more pain.

How Time Flies!

I never thought I'd feel as proud of someone as I am of Evon. Yesterday was her graduation, and I really wish I could be there with her to share in her joy. I'm so damn proud of her I wanna tell everyone about it. I was telling my housemates about her and how much I wish I was there and that I was so looking forward to going back home and seeing them.

Looking back, time has really flown, and Evon has really grown into a sensible and mature girl. I remember when we were in primary school, Evon would always be the one who tested boundaries and be the one standing out. That didn't really fit the family culture paternally, and really, to me, what Evon had been doing was just.... preposterous, unheard of, sacrilegious! But now, I realize, without that, Evon wouldn't have become the Evon she has become today, possessing so many qualities that I wish I had. Who cares if she didn't use to have many friends in primary school? She has lasting friendships with those she has been friends with. Who cares that she never went on stage to receive prizes in school? She's now Doctor Tay Yi Fang. Who cares that she used to get into trouble when she was young and used to spoil things? Now she repairs lives and is a pillar of support for us.

I just wanted to say, I'd never been prouder of Evon than yesterday (well, I have been proud of her, but I'm especially proud of her now), and I can't wait to see her and Yi Lun again. =)

Humbled Once Again

It's always amazing and humbling to know that one is liked by those around one. Once again, this year's birthday has been nothing short of humbling and touching.

A surprise birthday party was planned for me, with elaborate planning on how to get me to Michael's house for the BBQ, and Shawn and Andrea waking up early to come down to fetch me and buying sausages before the party, and Megan arriving earlier to decorate Michael's house, Joanna bringing so many pots and pans and mixing bowls and ingredients to make a damn good salad, and Wing making the birthday cake for me early in the morning, and coming home to find that Maggie and the others had gone out to buy a birthday cake for me. It's amazing to know that people like me that much to make such an effort, and for that, I am truly thankful.

Friends from Singapore sent messages via Facebook to wish me Happy Birthday and wishing me luck in Perth. Well I really need all these good wishes, and it's always nice to know that I'm not being forgotten even though everyone's life has gone on without me in the picture.

Most importantly, family members and Kok Yong made this a special day for me too. Papa and Mummy's message in the morning made me cry so hard because I could feel the love coming from the message and how much they missed me and wished I could be back at home with them where they could celebrate it with me. Kok Yong kept me company through to 2.40am on the day of my birthday (19th Feb to 20th Feb), and kept calling me to talk to me that day. Although he wasn't able to come online at night, what more could a girl ask for on her birthday? Evon waited for me online the whole day to wish me Happy Birthday. Really, for the things I've been blessed with, I'm most thankful to have been blessed with so many people who love me for who I am and who have helped me so much in my life. I don't think I'd have made it this far if not for the persevering support of my family.