Writing

It's funny how my childhood ambition was to be a writer, but now I just want to run away when I need to write. Is it the responsibility that I take on for the information I put across to the masses, or is it that I am simply sick and tired of writing? Or is it that academic papers are not for me?

Emails

Argh emails and liaising are the bane of my life at the moment. I feel it pulls me away from putting my attention on my research. All the emails ding-donging back and forth, arguing (diplomatically, of course) for my side of the argument, and keeping track of who has or has not replied and following up, is doing my head in. I only have so much brain space and I feel like so jumpy not knowing what to do first. I really need to get to my lit review, but the email is urgent and has to be sent out. But the email requires me to do a mini lit review, for which I feel so sickened by because it means I need to go and search for articles. Ahh...

I'm looking forward to after lunch when I can finally concentrate on the assignment I have pushed for 3 weeks. Wanna get this done so I can get started on the other assignments and also my lit review proper. How do I split myself?

Birthday Celebration 2013!

Well it's been a long time coming, what with my birthday having passed about a month ago. I must admit, it was more due to procrastination than actually being busy. After all, Facebook told all the story of my birthday celebration, why would I need to blog?

But I did feel the need. I feel the need to blog about the celebration because of the wonderful people in my life who found it worthwhile to celebrate my birthday, the beginning of my existence. These are the people who specially made concessions for me during my birthday just to make me happy, and are also the same people who try to make my life as easy to bear as possible.

Now, 2013 is the first time in 3 years I've celebrated my birthday at home, and I was really stoked to be able to celebrate it at home. I've really missed my family and Kok Yong, so I didn't really care how I was going to spend it, as long as it was at home, "home" being literally home, or in Singapore. I didn't care which. In the morning, Evon surprised me with a present on the bed. A pair of earrings! So sweet of her to buy me sparkly earrings, cos she noticed that I have a shortage of classy shiny ones.

I do note, I am so glad that I Evon and I have got closer over the years. It took a continent (or 2) to get us closer. While I'm ashamed of that, I'm glad it happened. Better to have gotten closer than not at all, right? I am ever thankful that I have such a thoughtful sister. She doesn't often say it, but her actions always show that she places us as her priority all the time. =) 


So, the original plan was to have mee sua at home with my family and Kok Yong. I was really looking forward to it! Haven't had Mira's mee sua for a birthday in such a long time. A body could miss tradition if she was away for a long time! Now I know why traditions are such an important part of a group's culture. =)

As it turns out, Kok Yong was also intending to sweep me off my feet with a surprise that day. He had booked a table for two at a mysterious location in Singapore. Unfortunately, he was unable to keep it a secret and a surprise, as it had slipped his mind that we would be having mee sua at home! Ah well. Compromise!

I made sure I had an early dinner of mee sua with my parents - after all, they had shifted their schedules around to make sure they could have the mee sua with me. I'm really appreciative of that! So I had the mee sua to symbolize my longevity (it was yummy!), and then began my preparations to meet Kok Yong at his workplace. Apologies for not having a photo of the mee sua!

Hehe and before that, though, Kok Yong had a surprise in store for me. Flowers! They were a gorgeous bunch of pink tulips. He remembered my favourite flowers! And he sent them even though I had told him not to. Not that I don't like flowers, but they die so fast and are so expensive! But the sweet man went ahead anyway, knowing that it would make me smile. =) 

So I reached Kok Yong's workplace and waited for him. He was so secretive about it all! I just thought we were going somewhere in town, but we went through Vivocity and Harbourfront, past RWS, towards The Cliff at The Sentosa Resort. I was blown away when I arrived. The scenery was gorgeous though it was at night. It was so tranquil, and  I loved the serenity of the place. Again, apologies for not having pictures; I was busy ooh-ing and aah-ing that taking photos was not on my mind.

The service was fantastic. The staff were obliging, and answered all our queries patiently. They remembered Kok Yong's reservation and were able to put his face to the name, and addressed him as soon as they saw him. I think that was pretty good service to actually bother to remember your guests' names.

The selection on the menu was not as extensive as I had hoped, but they were all very tempting. I wanted to have everything, and as usual, Kok Yong was very obliging. We both share a love for oysters, and he knows I had a good experience with the foie gras at Braise Sentosa, so he ordered a portion of each. We had the Fine de Claire oysters, and the Pan Seared Foie Gras with apple-celeriac slaw, lemon compote, and green apple espuma.

Fine de Claire oysters

Pan Seared Foie Gras

The oysters were wonderful! They were very fresh, very sweet. One thing we noticed about the oysters though, was that they were not as salty as the other oysters we have had before. Question: should oysters be salty?

The foie gras was, similarly, good. However, I'm not sure if I had been hungry when I visited Braise Sentosa two years ago, but I felt that the foie gras at The Cliff was not as good as the one at Braise. It was good, with the outside crispy and the inside soft and liquid-y, but it didn't have the melt-in-your-mouth texture like Braise had. I adored the espuma though. It was light and fluffy, and had just the right balance of sourness to complement the slightly metallic taste of the foie gras.

There was also a pre-appetizer. I am not familiar with fine dining, so it might be my over-estimation of The Cliff, but I liked that there were pre-appetizers and bread! No pictures of the bread, but here's the pre-appetizer: lobster bisque with lobster cream wrapped in prosciutto!

Lobster bisque (left) with lobster cream wrapped in prosciutto

It was the first time I had lobster bisque and, man, did it blow my mind! It was so creamy, and full of the sweetness of the lobster. I loved that it was so smooth to drink too. The prosciutto and lobster cream were all right I guess. The highlight for me was the lobster cream. Similarly, it was creamy and sweet.

I wanted to have the degustation set, but it involved beef and I wanted Kok Yong to be able to share it with me, so I had the Red Gurnard - which is a type of fish, butter fried, with baby octopus and shrimps tucked under it, and cooked in white wine sauce.

To be honest, I had absolutely no idea what a red gurnard was, but chose it cos the description sounded good. I was pleasantly surprised to find that they had hidden the octopus and shrimps underneath what I later realised was the red gurnard, the fish! I love surprises like that in my food! I was also pleased with the foamy stuff that accompanied it. I don't know the name, but it was so light and airy and so... ephemeral that I wanted more of it. =)

Kok Yong had the Barramundi - crisp skin, olive oil mash, pickled fennel, prosciutto 'floss' and broth.

Barramundi

 I know the etiquette of fine dining frowns upon sharing of meals, but it's my birthday so I think I can do what I want! =p Anyway, the barramundi skin was, true to description, crispy. I loved the contrast of the crispy skin with the soft flesh of the fish. I preferred the texture of the barramundi to the red gurnard, but tastewise, I think the barramundi was a little salty for me. I think it was the prosciutto flakes that did that? Kok Yong appeared to prefer my red gurnard too. Haha..

I was flirting with the idea of ordering dessert, but was a little hesitant to do so, because I felt that the selection was not only a little limited, but they sounded quite common. Granted, they had fabulous descriptions, but... nothing stirred my interest for that price. Well, in came Kok Yong's third surprise for the night - a birthday cake! I have no idea what flavour the cake was, but it was soo pretty!

My birthday cake! 

I think there was biscotti at the bottom of the cake, and... I think there were chestnuts inside the cake? Nonetheless, the taste was really quite good. The cake was very light and airy. I felt the portion was just right for Kok Yong and me. Just enough to assuage my craving for sweets, yet not so much to make me too full.

Me with my cake

Us

It was truly a magical day for me. Celebrating my birthday with my family and Kok Yong, what more could a girl ask for? =)


Glossary:

Siphon bottle

Espuma: The Spanish term for foam or froth, and one that is created specifically with the use of a siphon bottle (Modernist Cooking Made Easy)










Lobster bisque: Bisque is a smooth, creamy, highly-seasoned soup of French origin, classically based on a strained broth (coulis) of crustaceans. It can be made from lobster, crab, shrimp or crayfish (Wikipedia)

Donating Blood

Finally plucked up my courage to donate blood on Wednesday. I've been thinking about it for a few years, but was always too scared of the needle. There was always the fact that I'd just fallen sick or just come back from overseas. This time, though, the stars seemed to be aligned, so I thought I'd just go ahead.

I was very honest with the nurse (in the picture) that I was super nervous about donating blood, especially the point where they would insert the needle and leave it there for awhile. This is because when I was younger, I was super skinny and my veins could never be seen. The nurses often neglected to see this prior to inserting the needle, so they always had to wriggle it around inside to find my veins. THAT HURT. Worse still, there was once where they couldn't find my veins in my elbows, and had to shift to the back of my hand. When that failed as well, they turned to my wrist. It was bruised for the next few days. As I have grown and gained weight, it has become easier to find my veins. However, it doesn't make the idea of needles being inserted into me any easier. Haha... Well, but I digress. So after I confessed to the nurse that I was very scared of the needle, she took really good care of me. She was soothing, and let me know what was going to happen at each stage of the process. And surprisingly, the insertion of the needle wasn't too painful! I just winced and whimpered once and it was done. I couldn't really feel the needle inside me as I squeezed the stress ball, which was good. I had been expecting to feel the needle inside each time I squeezed, and that added to my fear. So.. you see? My mind was definitely magnifying how scary the whole situation was. Mine hadn't reached a phobic intensity, but already I was so scared. I guess this makes it more clear how courageous people with phobias are to finally confront their fears.

While donating blood, I was also thinking, I, as a healthy person, am able to decide when and how often I want to donate blood. This process is somewhat similar to dialysis, I imagine. But people on dialysis don't have a choice. They need to have a needle stuck in them 3 times a week - well, haemo-dialysis, that is - which is more than I can take. Imagine facing the same pain and possible bruising each time. Just one time for me and I had a bit of difficulty lifting my arm the first night. =S

After this whole event, I feel really good about myself. Not only did I go ahead with my values despite being scared, I also contributed to the community. It is nice to know that I may have helped save the life of someone who desperately needs blood from my blood group. =)

Wan Yu asked me if I would consider bone marrow donation. That gave me pause. I am keen on doing that, knowing that there is a real shortage of bone marrow donors, and those who need it would really really benefit from it. One of my friends from my CCA in uni has been diagnosed with leukaemia, and I'd really like to think I'm helping his cause. But I'm still scared of the pain! This time, instead of taking blood from the arm, spinal fluid is taken out. Just thinking about it gives me the shudders. I might give it more thought over time, but for now, I think I'll just concentrate on giving blood.

Research is a long and lonely road. Knowing that there is a link between my research and my journey through research used to be reassuring and fill me with motivation whenever I read my research papers, but now I'm left wondering when this will end. What do I need to do to get a reply? Is this a dead end or am I supposed to persevered? They say success comes to those who try. I've tried in as many avenues as I could, I've called as many times as is appropriate, but still no reply. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. We've always been taught to think positively, Facebook is full of positive affirmations. These encourage us to think that we matter, but really, in the whole scheme of things, in a large organization, we're nothing but a fly whose existence is observed when everyone is free but ignored when everyone else is busy. I keep waiting for that life-changing email which never comes. I've been calling till I believe the other party has now sent an email informing admin not to page him if there is a phone call. I believe the secretary also knows who I am and what to do with my calls now. But what else am I to do? Other organizations are behaving in the same way. Is it so hard to tell me whether they will work with me or not? I will be disappointed, yes, but I can move on with my life and I can prepare for other eventualities. My life is put on hold and I can't organize my sponsorship stuff.

Please remind me not to be like that to future students. It's cruel.

A Chance to Speak

Its been a rollercoaster of experiences since the last time I blogged.

Finally things are moving for the research, albeit slowly. At least they are replying, and I've got a (kind of) promise for advocating for me. I'm hoping things will gain momentum and I can move on with my research. It's frustrating sitting here not knowing what's going on or how I can remedy any mistake I might have overlooked, not knowing if I could have phrased something better or more politely or anything. It's also frustrating not having any control over the hospital's decision process and when they will give me a reply. Uncertainty has always been my weakness. I was reading Yalom's book on existential psychotherapy, and he was saying that anxiety is borne out of a fear of no-thing. Indeed, uncertainty is a vacuum for which the future is unknown. I feel that vague navel-pulling, heart flutter sense of nervousness when I think about the state of my research and that I'm always one day nearer to going back to Singapore.

It seems like the theme of 2012 is one of being in limbo. I'm in limbo regarding when I have to go back to serve my bond, I'm in limbo regarding my research, and in association with these, I'm in limbo regarding my accommodation. The landlord has plans to renovate the house I'm staying in, and he is kind enough to let me stay on till whenever I leave, but that's on the assumption that I'll be leaving latest by February of next year. So beyond that, who knows what will happen? I'm loathe to pack and unpack and pack again in a few months, but I'm even more loathe to go back to Singapore if I haven't even collected my data. Arghhhhh

And a drama of another sort is playing out on the undergrad front. Seriously, I don't remember having this sort of drama back in NTU. And boy-girl relationships are always the messiest, especially when they involve passive-aggressive members. And just so happens I'm caught in the middle of it, and I want to remain friends with both, but the situation seems a bit precarious now, with me looking like I'm on the side of one and not the other simply because of the presence of my name on a post. Ahh.... I  can see how each of them contributed to the situation that it is today, and I think it's a normal process of interpersonal relationships to have those responses when you face those stimuli. But seriously, withdrawing from the main group and making assumptions about how everyone else feels about you is not going to make their lives better. I feel sad over the potential loss of a friendship, but this brings about deeper emotions for me. I didn't get an opportunity to explain my thoughts about this to one of the players. And having an assumption made about me when I haven't been given a heads-up about the reception to what I'm going to say or without bothering to try to find out what we think, makes me anxious and striving to seek control of the situation.

Logically, I know that the safest option for me now is to keep quiet about the situation and not partake in anymore of this situation which I had already inadvertently got myself into simply because I was asking after the well-being of one of the players. I don't regret asking after the player's well-being, because I was being a friend. I just wished I didn't have to face the implications of this. It was more responsibility than I asked for. But if I were to be honest with myself, I would definitely have been curious as to what was actually going on. So just be careful what you wish for, kids.

Come on, give people a chance. You never know what they are thinking or are willing to do to help or remedy the situation until you actually talk to them. And by this, I mean research and the drama that is unfolding and threatening to have greater collateral damage than might have been intended.

Early Mornings!

I like being by myself in the mornings. There's something about the quietness in the early mornings that makes going to placement really quite enjoyable. I only just realised it this morning as I was walking towards my placement. I realised it was very peaceful, and I didn't have to make random small conversation with anyone. I could just enjoy the moment and the scenery around me. It was just me, alone with my surroundings, not even my thoughts were intruding. It's really peaceful when the mind keeps quiet and I engage only with my senses. That's one bright point in my early mornings! =)