Time for "A" change

Thurs [ 12.23am ] ... . Mood :Strong mood , 19 April 2012

It's been 4 years in Kampar,
for me a guy from Penang come for study,
study for a Degree certificate,
for a certificate so I could get a good job,
good job which is high salary's job.
and here I am,
finishing my degree,
graduating and leaving this place soon,


Yet to say, for this place, for these 4 years,
for the people I met and for those friends I made.

Place, a great place to study, without any luxury entertainment,
which is the main reason I pick UTAR kampar to study,
not to say that I'm easy falling into temptation but yet without those temptation,
it will be better off.
I enjoy the lakeside here, which quiet and chilling during night time.
Recall a lots of great memories beside the lakeside,
chilling with friends, sharing with friends,
listening problem from friends,
even propose to 1st women I ever fall in love to,
it's happen besides this lake side. Sweet isn't it?
I plan the proposal for 2 times with tons of ideas,
yet the relationship last for 10 days only,
and the ending of story also happen beside this lake.
How awkward is that right? Funny right? Haha.
It is sad, maybe I'm yet immature to love someone,
which I done and hurt her, and grown up.
Not to say I'm mature now,
but to said I do learn and I do regret.
For that I let go a woman,
whom is the 1st woman who love me,
and 1st woman I ever love,
which possible is the last.
That's what a "happy" ending always occurs,
on those bad jackass people like me. haha.

For the people I met here, for friends I made,
thank you for being my side, even thought it's for mutual benefits,
or for temporary, as we gonna graduating soon and won't meet each and another again.
I still appreciate, for everything.
and sorry for those I can't make it by yourself when you needed me,
neither you be my side when I needed, yet it's fine, I gone through all.
to some friends, You might not treasure me as I treasure you,
yet I wanna say : " I love you my friends. ".
even thought after this, we might just be only "friend",
I'm glad I know you, you, you and you.

For these 4 years, I had make changes, 3 times,
from inside until the outside, Personalities until the appearances.
One might think, " Why must I change myself for others? "
One might said, " People will love for who you really are? "
but one never thought of, " is that really appliacable for everyone? "
It is true when one found his/her gang of friends, group,
yet it is false when one found himself/herself isolate and alone.
and yet changes are necessary when coming to adopt the environment.
So I change after I graduated from high school.
New hair style, a new personalities, new thinking.
Yet things wasn't go well during foundation,
and time passed, 1 year passed, and it's Degree.
I change again, new positive thinking that I'll make new friends,
I'll found my gang, I'll have my belonging nest.
Yet, 3 years passed, what remain in the memory within my group,
Meet in University, talks about homeworks, assignments, presentations.
After school, he stick with his gang, she stick with her gang,
me ? I was with her, women I 1st fall in love with.
Yet I lose her in 1st trimester, then we'll just friend.
and soon, she found her soulmate, I was lost,
I am regret and yet nothing I can do.
Then I change again, due to broke up of relationship,
people think I'm better, in every perspectives,
which said I'm grown better than last time.
Until 2nd year of Degree, she left university for temporary,
personal private issue.
I miss her, I think of her, yet nothing I can do.
From Year 2 until now end of Year 3,
2 years of my Degree, only talks with people in classes,
about homeworks, assignments, presentations.
After school, alone in room, with my computer,
dinner with myself, chitchat with myself,
walking the lakeside with myself.
People in Kampar study always frustrate about what dinner to eat when night comes,
which for me, I'm thinking who could have dinner with me as dinner time comes.
How pathetic right? Well, no one knows and no one cares.
Miserable life? You tried it then you'll know it.
I do not know how to sob out my grievances.
I never done that, never tell my parents my grievances,
my parents are deaf and dumb,
so there is communication obstacle between us.
So I never sob out my grievances, not even once.
What I did to release the pain inside me?
Of course, I do cry.
1st time in foundation, when betrayed by friend.
2nd time in Year 1, when broke up of relationship.
3rd time until not sure, happen occasionally.
It must be funny for a man to cry, right?
yet I'm not shame to cry,
which I'm honestly facing emotions that I had.
So for those grievances I couldn't speak out,
I cried in the night, to survive.
After cried, clear up my mind and settle those things,
thus you see me here, not yet down as those obstables can never let me down.
Life is too good to be miserable,
I might have bad times for my 4 years,
but yet it mix with good things,good friends, and good memories.
Other peoples might face worse times than me in these 4 years,
so what can I say? Felt down and I'll wake up to fight again.

So now, I'm graduating soon,
I should change again,
to adopt a new environment,
for a new beginning.
and yet to forget those negative thinkings,
bad stuffs, and yet those people.
Find my career, earn income,
for me and my family,
for a better life could have.
Nothing is more important than this.
Time for "A" change.

Good night.

取代

Mon [ 10.16pm ] ... . Mood :unknown , 16 April 2012


你，感觉过这个世界抛弃了你吗？
班上做功课的同学groupmate，
好朋友，一位一位，慢慢地，
不理，不睬，不闻，不问。

说不听，叫不应，
问不睬，讲不理。
一位，一位，
每一位，我重视的。

我的问题？是吧。
原来怎么做都是不对。
做了一千件好事的好人，
会因为做了一件错事，而被垂涎，
做了一千件坏事的恶人，
会因为做了一件好事，而被原谅。

已经两个星期多没上课去了，
有谁知道？有谁过问？有谁关心？
也许我不在是对的事实，
也许我存在是坏的事实。

这两个星期的每一天，
醒来只有我一个人，
分不清黄昏或清晨，
空气微冷微冷的，
有什么在流逝，
有什么在慢慢降温，
一颗心慢慢往下沉。

They call it "Heartache" ,
it's a hurt that hard to breathe,
and I wonder whould it ever go away?

这个感觉，被取代，被抛弃，被背叛。
疼，很疼，非常疼，真的很疼很疼。

今天流的泪水，绝不会白费。
我不会，就倒下。
呐喊，啊！！！！！！！！！！！

贪心

Sat [ 8.19pm ] ... . Mood :unknown , 14 April 2012

贪心，乃是人之本性。
我是人，我也有贪欲。
但是我也懂得知足，
生活上过的比许多人不错了。
吃的不愁，住的不愁，
穿的不愁，钱也够用。

也许，我贪的是精神上的粮食，
人际上的牵绊，心灵上的良药。
每一个人都会有这样的时候，
而我，也不例外。

以前总是好奇人们干吗要谈恋爱？
也许当时是因为我没有真正的爱上过一个人；
也许当时我还小，不明白，不知道，不懂事 ；
也或许没有一个女孩会看上我，喜欢我。
长大后，成长中， 到大学，
爱过了，错过了，才发现，太迟了。
成长了，知道了，明白了，但迟了。


我贪心，友谊。
知道我的人，知道我会吃朋友醋。
我也不知道，就是不甘心，不甘愿。
但是我知道，所以不能表达。
我贪心，对待。
友谊不该计较彼此的付出，对待，
但是有时好友无法相伴与我左右，
我却难以忍受，暗自发闷气，孩子气，
是明白，是体谅，但是情绪无法谅解。
所以有时候，好友知道我忙，体谅我，
但是表情，，语气，文字却如此冷漠。
我才明白当他们不能伴我时，
我是否如此？如此冷漠？

 想对一位朋友说，

抱歉，因为我说到却做不到。

说了要找你却没有办到，

对不起让你等待。

然而，有的表示愿意相伴 ，
却自己做自己的事，
表情也如此不甘心，不甘愿。
叫我如何说，如何掏心掏肺？

他人说，这时就只有你的爱人，
会愿意，静静地伴随你，
静静地聆听你，安抚你。
他人说，我曾对好友都如此，
但是如果不是发展为情人，
就是普通朋友，或是人所谓的，
“静静也不会尴尬的好友。”
也许男女纯友谊，
只存活在过去，曾经，
和爱情漫画还有小说里。

他人说，家人只能陪你从小到大，
朋友只能在大家有空陪你吃喝玩乐，
只有你的爱人，会陪伴你到未来，到永远。
顿时，有种醒悟，有种说不出的感言。
但是现在，那种所谓的爱情感觉，
不管哪里，我已经不再感觉到了。

如今，心累了，倦了，
都难以释怀。
少了人的陪伴，
是如此不堪一击。
苦笑代替微笑。
想找个人喝茶聊天都难。

 有很多话想说：

1-你看到我高兴地很高兴，伤心地很没事。
其实想说，我是，高兴的很委屈，痛的很痛快。

2-如果幸福是浮云，痛苦似星辰，
那我的生活真是万里无云，漫天繁星……

3.理智，冷静；多想失控说我想说的话，做我想做的事。

♣一首歌许久未唱，便让人怀疑它是否流传过；

一首诗许久未读，就让人怀疑它是否抒情过；

让人忍不住以为一切都是幻想……

♣千年一梦梦伤感,伤感一梦梦千年.

“生活像棋亦胜似棋，棋终人散，前路漫漫。"

Tues [ 11.57am ] ... . Mood :unknown , 3 April 2012


怎么说？很长的说。
最后一个学期了，有些人，
慢慢地，露出恶魔的真面目，
坏事尽办，丑事尽现，
反正以后都不会见到我，我们的说，是吧？

听过这么一句吗？
" Evil is unspectacular and always human and shares our bed and eats at our own table."
 是W.H. Auden 说的，华语直接翻译是：
"恶魔通常都不引人注目，而且总是人类自己，还跟我们同吃同睡."
简单来说，恶魔混蛋都可能是身边的人。
我看见了，恶魔，是恶魔ssss，
真不简单，真是厉害。
要怪，就怪自己，“有眼不识泰山”啊。

不过，做人呢，就是要，
高兴的很委屈，痛的很痛快。
面对这一切，不畏惧。
有这么一句：“In Life unlike chess,the game continues after checkmate.”
艾扎克 阿西莫夫曾说写道 ：“生活像棋亦胜似棋，棋终人散，前路漫漫。"
所以，这局棋局，即使输了给你，你你你，
生活还是继续，不会为了你们而绝望。
人生还是得继续。

我，
有个理智的灵魂，却没有幸福的轮廓；我很坚强，
却无法坚强到即便是没有依靠也无所谓。
我是人又不是神。
我，
很容易就沉默下来。有时候觉得语言多余。
 可是笑总是停不了，不是因为快乐，只是习惯。
因为忧郁如影随形。所以努力学会幽默。
我，
开始明白，学会承受痛苦。
有些话，适合烂在心里，
有些痛苦，适合无声无息的忘记。
当经历过，你成长了，自己知道就好。
很多改变，不需要你自己说，别人会看得到。