Transplant soon and I am scared as fuck. There out of my chest..

The Truth Hurts

It's now day 5 of my life with Leukemia.

To tell you the truth, I have much difficulty adapting to life with cancer. I thought that through gritted teeth, I can push my way through this. But, it isn't easy at all. The doctor just came in this morning to tell me that I had a rare case of a combination of ALL and AML. Things look really bleak at the moment. I would definitely need a marrow transplant. The trenchant truth.

In that one moment, I let out an uncontrolled sigh and an unexplained tiredness overcame me. The amalgamation of fears that I thought that I had successfully suppressed battled their way out and seeped through. I wasn't going to university in 2012. I wasn't going to be able to pursue my life the way I had planned. I was going to be very weak. What if my friends left and forgot about me when they entered university? I would be all alone, emaciated in a cold ward with toxic chemicals running through my veins, destroying both cancer and healthy cells with equal ruthlessness and indiscretion.

As I looked into the mirror and see the gruesome tubes pouring out of my chest, I say out loud "I don't want to have cancer. God, why did you let this pass?" I can't help but cry. I have not even held hands with a woman that I love and yet I have to battle cancer. It seems to be a wicked reversal of time. Theoretically, cancer should affect mainly the old after years of acquired chromosomal mutations. Yet, here I am, at 20, suffering from a disease of the aged. God has decreed that I should not be allowed the normal rite of passage. From adolescence to adulthood to parenthood. He has decreed that this is a fight that I cannot avoid.

I truly want to stay positive and fight till my very last breath. I will. I have no other option. Yet, I cannot deny that I despair at the odds and the suffering I am about to behold. If You'd would only take this cup from me..

I am comforted by the words of a friend; that God will never give you more than you can bear. Have faith. That's the only thing that would separate me from the living dead at the moment. That's the truth, and it's the only thing that would set me free from this other painful truth.

What a bummer thinking of a suitable heading..

Doesn't life feel that way sometimes? Why do I need to think of a title in order to express certain thoughts, feelings and emotions? Can't I fumble in that which is inchoate? To let it be instead of having a clean dissection?

Titles. Where it forces you to label everything just so that our limited intellect can hope to categorise and organise everything that we perceive into a little mental shelf. There's always a structure to everything. Lesson plans to follow. Rules to follow. Protocols and an interminable number of chess-like steps in living this life. Rather makes you a determinist doesn't it? That to believe in a life of wanderlust toppled with serendipity is a life not lived.

Not that I would fancy such a lifestyle. I like things which are clear, distinct and predictable. If I could only fit all of life into a crystal jar and be able to take a macro-perspective. All would fit into a rational framework.

Yet, no..

You don't go clubbing, where dirty, sweaty grinding is the de rigueur, to feel an abomination towards those desperate men snapping at any chance to swarm a tipsy female in a short skirt. You should have flirtatious fun yourself. That's not logical at all. It's analogous to jumping into a pool and hoping to stay dry. Ridiculous.

You'd think that a girl as pretty and as intelligent as she was would be confident. Yet, to read that she doesn't see herself in that light. That she's in a little bubble.. that doesn't make sense at all does it? Oh, I wish I could break that bubble.. laughably I was tongue-tied and in a bubble myself when we met..

There's no framework. We are irrational (and Adam Smith concurs with me). We create systems but our very core deviates to entropy. CO is right, structure breeds conduct. It describes us as a fluid taking the shape of its container. We need structure or we'd just be a formless puddle. Useless. Wasted.

I want to break free of certain thought patterns or moulds. I cannot achieve the effective life that I envisage with my current container. So I am thankful to be in Viper. I knew that NS would influence me. Be in a fun container that bends with a successful mould.

Lull.

My first new post for the year.

Wow. Much has indeed passed since my last post here. I haven't been inspired (or the lack of time rather) to write since last september. Tekong has been a blast. Life as an SCT seems so surreal now that I've gotten used to life as a commander.

Looking back at the previous post, I wonder, who gives me the right over my 61 boys? I cringe sometimes when I think about the things that I did, or shouldn't have done, in training school. Makes me question my ability and more importantly, the right to lead. But, I'm learning. Constantly. I'm not sure but perhaps I'm subconsciously trying to make amends for my subpar conduct in the past. Hoping that I can somehow forgive myself. Either way, I can say that I worked my butt off real nicely.

So far so good. It's great to see the boys POP. It gives me great pleasure to know and see that they have grown from "blur cocks" to moulded privates ready for their next phase of training. In retrospect, I could have been more efficient in certain areas of their training.. can't wait to gear up for the next batch coming in Feb. My batch last year.

I really do think that the SAF should give us more pay. I can't believe how intense a commander's life can be where every waking moment surrounds the recruit. I honestly did the best that I could. I even dare say that I've been more gungho outfield now than I've ever been. It starts to come alive now, this reality that my boys look up to me for guidance and that God forbid I should ever fail them. This really is a far cry from me before. There's definitely some truth in saying being a father changes a man.

It's lull now. Which means 9th Div had to organise a silly and insipid Family Day which no one wants to attend, only by penalty of death from OC, of course. Yay, let's all put on our trunks and get wet with CO.. Gosh, we could really do with a war around here.

But, I'm happy with this much deserved hiatus. You'd be surprised at the pleasure just lazing around and sleeping can bring. Pure bliss.. sigh.

Ok now, where are those trunks...

When the Starlight flickers away, as such marks the end of things..

I'm back from the legendary depths of Taiwan that every infantry sergeant makes his mark in.

The lessons from Taiwan, I've documented soundly and truth be told, I'm rather happy to have went to Taiwan. I have learnt more in Formosa about myself and the way I respond in situations more than in the past 6 months and I feel it a great need to constantly remind myself of that great final AAR (after-action review).

I would like to apologise for my actions and attitudes which were unbecoming of a specialist, but that being say, be grateful for having been enlightened at such importune a time as my passing out as a 3rd sergeant.

I read just the other day, my apologies for not remembering the writer's good name, that education is just an increased awareness of our own ignorance. Nothing can sum up so great a lesson in so short a sentence. It is Man's greatest gift that he can learn from the past. It is said with much cynicism that the only lesson from history is that We never learn from history. True, but only because history does not repeat itself and as such, we shall always have new mistakes to make.

I wish with all my heart to be a good sergeant, that I can, in whatever way I can, lead my 6 men out there to be their best. I know that I'm not the brightest, nor the fittest, nor the most capable, but I know now that I have the potential to effect these attributes in my men. As it has been shown, simple acts of commitment might just inspire others to push beyond themselves. I need to know this fact, I cannot allow myself to be carried away in the pursuit of my own comfort. Being there and yet, not there, it hurts others more than I could have foreseen. Not having a motivation is not a valid excuse since you have willingly accepted this rank and the duties that come attached.

Where the End Begins

SCT Joshua. SISPEC, Infantry.

Ah ASLC. Oh joy.

Those words stirred in me, a funny mocktail of disappointment and fair expectation. That little sliver of hope that went POOF where I no longer flirted with the idea of Yes! Not infantry and fell into the I-Knew-It zone. I've known all along that me wanting to be in anything else but infantry would be me facing everything but reality.

But what is the BIG hoo-ha anyway?

Most of the guys, no scratch that, practically all the guys I know don't want to be in infantry namely because it means more outfield, more SOC and more outfields plus route marches. But if one were to think about it, the infantry is as respectable a vocation as any other. Ok, so we march with bags of stones while Armour rolls by waving. So military police have lectures in military law in air-conditioned halls while we dig fire trenches in some god forsaken mud pit. So we climb hills in the rain while Signals and Intel points us the way from some warm benches. But WE ARE the army. Wars are incited by the infantry and it is the infanterie who ends it.

We are but a vocation and we do what we do. As simple as that. There's no point complaining or comparing between vocations. To each its own. At the end of the day, there might be some who feel cheated in that we suffer more than others, but we come out stronger, mentally and physically as well. Give and take is the axiom we should live by.

So this is where the end begins. The end of Specialist School begins with our first book-in into our respective units for Pro term. Others have done it before "singaporearmystories.blogspot.com" and we will do this now.

Alright, now that I have clearly managed to convince myself in this short few minutes that the infantry is the best vocation, I will return to my smelly LBV and Helmet tomorrow smiling, a better man. I hope.

Revival

I must say that I am overwhelmed by this incessant need to jot down my thoughts once more. After such a long pause in writing anything, I dare say I am in severe lack of any one ounce of intellect.

Seeing where Life has brought me so far, he has gamely slapped me with a challenge.

In the midst of all the very successful scholars around me (even in camp), I am called to take courage that I can still one day fulfill my dream of being a steward of justice (corny isn't it, but a post which I highly regard). Right now, maybe it's because of friends who have the ability to apply for law school through good grades (though I might heartlessly say that they lack the aptitude for it, though not all), or that I have yet to apply for university since application dates have not yet arrived, there is a deep stir and unrest within me.

What if I cannot fulfill this burning ambition? I used to sit in wonderment of being amongst international courts trying corrupt officials and ridding the world of the unscrupulous. But now, I fear, that I may have to continue sitting in wonderment forever...

Army has been good to me. It has taught me values and the need for a solid system in any organisation. These have distracted me, for now.

I wish I can sigh out loud, but what is the use? Laments are for the weak and there can be no weakness for this challenge. Oh why, oh why did I not buck up in my studies? If it meant studying for a subject I hated for the greater good, why not? Why did I lapse into disappointment and despair? I know that I have not reached my fullest potential, but which university would see? Results is the only vernacular that the world will ever understand, and for that plain reason, I may have doomed myself.

Checking out.

2010

Wow, it has indeed been a very long time since I last wrote anything here..

Funny it seems, if you would notice the break. Like a man deep in coma finally arising once more and all he recalls hitherto is a long dash from that last moment of consciousness. A lot of things have changed, I'm sure, for everyone of us. The As, I am happy to say, no longer serves as a sticking point for any conversation or as a conceivable priority in my life anymore. Other then the periodic panic pangs I suffer from this interminable wait for release of our results..

Army Life.

Ahh.. It feels good to be a soldier strangely. I glance through facebook and most guys out there hate the army to its green pixelated guts. I mean, yes, there is reason to feel disdainful. After all its two years of our lives. But, by the same token, it's only two years of our lives. Unless you have testicular cancer or something, I cannot see why the huge fuss over this two years. Tell me honestly, if given these two extra years, would you have done something meaningful with it?

I would think not.

To me, the opportunity to serve, is one to re-evaluate our lifestyles and thinking. Don't think of it as pure brain rot (though it is still a valid factor), but as a re-awakening of your unstimulated post As self. I find that certain key traits are emphasized in the army, and if you allow it, they can serve you well in the future.

To name a few. Discipline. Professionalism. Perseverance. And not to mention, foresight and the ability to take hardship, which are crucial factors in the course of leadership. I was a skeptic myself. But I am glad I chose to think positively. I can see myself becoming a better man after the army. And not ever before have I said something about myself with such certainty.

Right now, I can sense that I am changing. I used to be ambivalent and indifferent about certain tasks that I do not care about. But now, all that matters is that you complete the mission. Like it or not. There is no choosing responsibility. When it is given, you answer the call.

As a PR, certain responsibilities are removed from me. Such as entry into OCS. Although it does remove certain achievements that I would like to be able to complete, nonetheless SISPEC is still a goal.

If you ask me, even if you do not line yourself with the ideology of the army, the skills that you pick up will make you a better boyfriend, husband, father, colleague, leader and person.

That I can promise. But you must first believe it to be so.

ITE

It's The End

End of 1 month of painful examination.

End of 2 months of mindless mugging.

End of 2 years of weary trudging.

End of 12 years of a truly Singapore-ific educational system.

End of 18 years of youthful abandonment..

What now?

Start of ? months of gaming.

Start of 2 years of National Servitude.

Start of ? years rekindling my faith.

Start of ? years of volunteerism.

Start of ? years enjoying everything and anything that my present youth allows me to.

Start of ? years of university.

Start of ? years of building up my career.

Start of ? years achieving greater heights.

Start of ? years of starting a family??

Start of ? years of leaving behind all semblance of youth and the deep embrace of age.

Start of ? years of pursuing a deeper purpose.

Start of ? years of retirement.

Start of ? years looking back at the ? of years that God has so graciously blessed me with.

...

...

Then really, ITE.

That my friend, is what life is about. No matter how you fare for your A levels, be aware that you should never limit your self-belief or purpose to one mangy piece of rotten certificate. There still is a long road ahead.

It is hard, I understand it just as well as you do. But let us not fall into this deep farce which is the elitism stemming from our unyielding national embrace of meritocracy.

Society will never judge you by this certificate, only if you let it to.

Find a way.

Lighten up

I am officially free in 27 days.

Sorry for the randomness.. Back to study.