Self conscience

Writing blog in midnite is not my style. However, i feel tht i need to express out my thoughts and views here.
1st ques : wat is a blog?
Ans: for me, it is a tool used to state out things tht u are unable to say it out in the open.

2nd ques : why is it a blog stated above, are read by others while u dun wan others to c it?
Ans: it is becuz, the person who wrote in the blog deep inside their heart, really hope tht the person he/she mentioned in their post , read wat they type. The writer hope so much tht he/she will understand their feelings although they are cheating on themselves.

3rd: why do ppl wrote different things in their blog compare to their words outside?
Ans : they tried to conceal things from ppl esp from he/she in 2nd ques. But they still wrote in the blog, hoping tht he/she know wats their real condition.

4th: why the writer dun tell he/she directly? isnt is a faster way?
Ans : the writer is afraid it will affect their relationship as fren. Or even jeopardize he/she's life.

5th: Isnt it naive to write in blog hoping they can read it? since in ques 4, the writer is afraid.
Ans : Yes, they are. Every1 has their own selfishness. Even the slightess chance , they will take.

i got to sleep for now...
tired ... and troubled..
Oyasuminasai~

Patience is Virtue~

Time is my healer. This post would probably be the last ever. Everything should be back to normal soon, i hope. Patience is a virtue, and now i understand why this quote was mentioned. If i had a time warp, i would definitely fly back to the day i met her. For things to start all over again~

I'll wait. Till the only 1% vanished completely.

Stupidity or Idiocy?

I believe those who had seen my blog, will not see it again. As what i typed below this post is jz a mere boring story. However, i really appreciate those who consult me and tried to make me feel better. ^_^ I'm glad to have you all as frens.

Almost all of you asked me to forget the matter that has been revolving in my head. Itoo personally want to get it out. But, i'm not a robot. I cant jz press a button and delete it permanently. Now i do realise the feelings of the others which seems more serius.

I jz did what i feel i should do.....am i stupid? but if i din do it now, i would never hav untied the knot in my heart. Although i knew wats the consequences of it, i still want to know.... it is better i get it directly from the source to whipe out all of my stupid thoughts.

Sorrowness~

one day has passed... i still think about her. Although i tried forgetting it by doin other stuff, it jz dont work... i really hope tht i could knock myself and together with the sorrow memory. Doc said tht my health hasnt improve yet. At tht moment, i knew i had no chance at all. I always carry in my mind, you do not meet the requirements tht u said earlier. Getting myself to tht destination require time and consistency.

I for now promised myself, will do everything i can to improve myself. Not only for her. But for myself too. Do hope tonite, i can forget her......

Truth or Lies

Once again i step into this blog. Never i thought of coming back and post this. But...my heart tells me to..

I knew what i've become..a selfish, ignorance, deceitful, and irresponsible person. I've been hurt several times, yet i'm hurt now. Not physcially but rather , in heart of mine. I always lose my opportunities when i had one. And regretting now is not a solution. All these times, i've been called "kinna" (acting like child). Well, for me this isnt a common thing anymore. I've been used to it since secondary. But, do i really deserve the title? Or they purposely said tht to attract my attention. but i doubt tht.

i still remember i fall in love with a young girl. We both knew we like each other. However, due to frens gossip. We never be with together... and i does not hav the guts to stand up for her. And soon, some other better guy took the first action tht i should hav done earlier.. i lost her...

Thinking back of it, if i actually stood up to her, things would be different now. i knew tht it is my fault of letting her getting away from my arms. i regretted...and promised myself not to let any chance slip thru my hands anymore.

This i how i met my 1st gf. I dared myself, confessing to her about my feelings. And i succeed. Happiness does not stay long. Because of our difference in certain aspect, our parents rejected our union. i knew if we continue on, happiness would turn into nightmare. i did wat i could....to break up. Although our happiness last only 1 year. i nvr regret. Nvr ever. I knew its stupid, but i promised myself not to find any gf in 1 year duration. to show tht my love towards her is real.

But now, i started to ask why she accept me in the 1st place. i'm not smart. jz have sweet mouth. i'm skinny. looked as though i take drugs before. i'm not rich. and lots more. i should be glad tht i break up tht time. So tht she can find a better guy than the worthless me.

The bad news is...the same situation occurs. 4 girls, same course, same class. After 2 years of knowing each other, if i say i dun like any of them, its untrue. All 4 of them has places in my heart. I knew i'm a jerk. But this is the truth. Each of them has their own uniqueness and inner beauty.

1 of them is in a relation. I knew im not suppose to be the 3rd party. Hence, i treat her like my sis. well, i treat all 4 of them as my sis. However,i felt totally different when i knew 1 of them been in a relation for the past few days. my heart felt sorrow and uneasy. is this wat jealousy means... everytime i think of it, i began to regret and think of my mistakes in the past. i could have taken the opportunities whenever i had the chance. but i didnt... i laughed and joke about it everytime theres ppl brought up the topic. sometimes i even pretend to be blur.

the truth is..... i do wish tht i confronted her...hoping tht i will succeed. holding her hands and looking into her eyes as i did with my ex. But i din..... ppl thinks tht is becuz i still think about my ex cuz i store her photo in my wallet. frankly, i did tht to remind myself tht i dun not deserve any girl. I cant think of any criteria tht i have to let my girl proud of. I kept tht wallet to always tell me tht unless you change urself, you cant be with anyone. And i'm trying to change now despite ppl keep wondering y i trying to get fat etc...

I will not confront her till i had my ownself changed. i lost another again....i do hope tht she can wait, but i would be a selfish guy. I believe tht guy she with now can giv her things tht i dont hav. Shes in a better hand. Do hope i can forget this matter as quickly as possible.

New blog

Ai..xanga need payment to hav advance template....mafan....so i decided to switch to blogspot.....mayb better.....so guyz me will be using this site from now onwards....mayb will recheck my old blog fer further notice. ^_^