Home feels different now. by Ryan Lin on Tuesday, 10 May 2011 at 00:40
Change is good. But sometimes, it comes with a cost.
Around 2 years ago, you moved in to live with us. I wasn't that welcoming initially.Didn't understand why you had to move in.I barely know you, in fact i was quite distant from you.
Still remember how initially, I wasn't that welcoming.
Couldn't understand why you kept repeating the things you said.
Couldn't understand why you made up stories, and accused others.
Couldn't understand why you were so noisy,busy scolding people all the time.
Couldn't understand why you just refused to eat your meals which the maid cooked for you. Although she did prepare your share, you always said she didn't...
But i knew it wasn't your fault...you didn't choose to behave like that.With knowledge, comes understanding. And with understanding, comes acceptance.One cannot choose if he/she was to be diagnosed with dementia.
Gradually, I realised you brought something into my otherwise mundane and boring life. You reminded me of the word family.And you brought life into this family.
I will miss the times you always look surprised and go "Oh, your're back!" when i step through the house door. Even though sometimes you just saw me left 5 mins ago to head downstairs to buy some stuff.
I will miss the times i always ask if you have eaten, only to know your regular reply would be that "No one cooked my meals." And i would look at the dining table and see the lunch already prepared by the maid.
I will miss the times when you and mom would engage in a shouting match.Only to hear your stories of "how-the-auntie-living-in-the-next-block-saw-what-the-maid-did" and "how-the-maid-pushed-you-till-you-fell" for the umpteenth time.
I will miss the times coaxing you to eat your meals by saying, "its been a long time since your grandson(me) had a meal with you." And of course subsequently your delighted, obliging look.
I will miss the times you open my door to peek at what im doing in my room for like, 3 times in 10 mins?
I will miss the times how you always wake up at unearthly hours to go to the toilet and ask me in the same sombre tone, "Why aren't you sleeping yet?" And followed by me reminding you to wear slippers and walk slowly in the toilet cause it's slippery. And you will always reply "I know, i know."
I will miss the times when im going out and you will always ask without fail if im coming back for dinner.
I will miss the times when you and mom fight over the dining table cause you feel that she's giving you too much food and i'm not getting enough. Or you fighting with me cause i can jolly well grab my own food off the dishes but you insist on helping me.
And i definitely will miss the times whenever i call you grandma and you will always response in the same tone in Hainanese , "What?" .
I love you, ah po.
==============
MY BELOVED GRANDMOTHER by Diane Heng on Friday, 13 May 2011 at 13:14
this is for you.
i remember when you used to sleep with us, you would fan us to sleep even though you were tired. you would fall alseep but wake up to continue fan-ing us shortly.
i remember you used to give me money to go downstairs to buy junk food even though you know i cannot eat. you will say dont eat so much potato chips. but you will buy and told me to drink more water.
whenever you bought your own lunch or dinner back, you will let me have a bite of your food or even give me your food even though you were hungry.
late in the night, you would wake up and use the toilet, never once you switched on the lights as you were afriad that it would wake us up.
whenever i woke up late in the night because i couldnt sleep, you will put me to sleep and stay up till i fell asleep.
i remember that when i was in primary school, you would wait for me outside my school and bring me lunch. you were never late.
you used to wait for me late at night for my tuition to end and bring me home as you were afraid that something would happen. you would come as early as half an hour before my tuition ended and wait for me patiently.
i remember when i was young, mummy used to whack me for doing something wrong. i would run and hide behind you and you would protect me.
you will also defend me when my parents scold me.
you will buy us breakfast every morning during the school holidays. it was my favourite meal of the day.
once, there was a bee in the house. you went to catch it for us. you got stung. when we asked you if it is painful anot, you will say no. but your finger is bleeding.
you will chase out all the insects in the house as you know we are scared of them.
i also remember there was a time when a stray cat entered our house, i was so scared of it that i went to hide under the piano. you carried the cat out and closed the main door.subsequently, you will come to find me and say dont be scared. its gone now.
every chinese new year, you would make alot of potato chips and rice crackers for us.
i also remembered when you were feeding me, i saw you mubbling to yourself. i asked you what are you saying, you replied, nothing. open your mouth and eat.
past midnight, when im still mugging, you will wake up from your sleep and approach me telling me its late, go and sleep now. i will reply wait, i havent finished my homework yet. you will sit by the sofa and wait till i go and sleep before you went back to your bed.
you made us cosy blankets and comfortable pillow cases to sleep in.
late in the middle of the night, you would wake up and cover our blankets for us even though it was cold.
especially if it was raining, you would wake up immediately and close all the windows.
even though you were bored everyday and had nothing to do, you will never switch on the tvee to watch it because you were scared that we couldnt concentrate.
whever i practiced my piano, you will sit beside me on th bed and listen to me practice, attentively.
we wanted to give you a cellphone. but you said you dont know how to use it even though you know how to use the house telephone.
in primary school, you would wake up as early as we did to prepare us for school. you would prepare us basins of water and wash our faces for us.
you will also make us milo to drink and half boiled eggs/french toast to eat before we headed for school.
it was raining heavily once and you were not home yet. we went out to search frantically for you but we couldnt find you. you came back in one piece and ask where did you go? you said i was sitting at block 600 plus chatting with my friend. dont worry about me.
you had a ezlink card but you chose not to use it whenever you go to abo house. you would walk all the way to her house depite the blazing sun. when i askyou why, you will say sun is good. sweating is good too.
we had numerous toys on our bed. when our toys tore, you volunteered to mend it for us. you did a wonderful job.
you also brought us to the public pool when we had swimming lessons. you carried our bags for us, thinking that you are still a strong superwoman.
as you advanced in age, you started making alot of noise in the house.
you started complaining someone stole your clothes, the maid took your money and the keys.
i couldnt stand all your shoutings everyday, so i screamed at you to shut up and go and die! you will scream back at me, saying you wont die so early and keep quiet for a while before you star chanting again
the house was chaotic because of you everyday. everyone's blood was boiling. you knew it, and you even offered to move out of the house.
i didnt need to set an alarm clock in the morning as i knew that your voice would wake me up.
after staying with us for 14 years, you moved out to abo house as we were moving in to a condo.
in these two years, i made it a point to visit you every week. whenever i visited you, i would say, HELLO APO!! do yu recognise me? you will say no, i cannot remember who you are but welcome me with opened arms.
abo will text me once in a while telling me you refused to bath and refused to eat. but once you see me, you will listen to me like how a child listen to his parents.
sometimes, when i visit you, you will say why your hair so long? why your finge cover one side of your eyes? dont wear such a short pants uh!
i remember you will always ask me how old am i? in like 1 hour, you can ask me three or more times. thats the power of demential.
you would also repeat again and again that i dont have to make a trip all the way here as you can easily walk to our house since we moved so near to her. in fact, it was a 30 minutes walk or a ten minutes bus ride.
you would always advice me to study harder, listen to papa and help mummy do housework. now that you all dont have a maid, its very hard on mummy. so dont rebut her and help her out.
when i wanted to go home, you would see me out to the door and give me your cute goodbye kiss.
recently, the maid went back her hometown for two weeks. my poly hasnt started so i had to takecare of you. it was memorable yet boring.
whenever i asked you to go and bath, you will complain that is is very cold even though the sun is scorching outside. do you know theres an invention called the water heater? nevertheless, you listened to me and went to bath.
when im bathing you, i would witness your frail body. every one minute, you will say okay okay, enough already. im clean.
when its time to eat, i will eat together with you and watch tvee. you will give me half of your food and say that you cannot eat so much.
i would take a nap together with you and you refused to on the fan. you complained that it was too cold, dont waste elecetricity.
you were there when we were having a swim. you kept asking us if the water was too cold. that was the last time you ever saw us swim.
as the two weeks were ending, you became stubborn and kept saying you wanted to go home. you even took your belongings and walk out even though you didnt know the route home.
when we were snacking once, you will smuggle a few peanuts into your pocket without me knowing. when i found out, i asked you why you did it, you replied, i want to save the good food for later.
you would also keep a few tissue papers or a biscuit in your wallet.
at night, you wanted to go to the loo but you didnt switch on th lights. you had the figure your way through until you wet in your pants.
i will never foeget what you will always say- you want to bring our whole family back to china your hometown.
even at th hospital, you kept crying that you want to go home. i will say faster recover and we can go to china. you replied, i have no money to bring all of you back.
the previous week, i coulfnt help it but cry wheni saw you in this state. you kept opening your eyes and look at me. you even said, stop crying, cry for what?!
you always put others infront of you.
thats how loving my ahpo is.
takecare and be happy.
ILOVEYOU ...
========================
dont worry about us.... by Kaiyan Carine Lin on Friday, 13 May 2011 at 15:10
i wasnt there when the shouting matches, the disagreements, false accusations
and arguments took place.
but yet, that's the destructive power of dementia.
i remember fondly the times we spent together.
when you were not living with us, you used to walk to our house everyday and walked home every evening.
at that time, dementia was becoming obvious when you started to forget things you said .
i was constantly worried that you will one day, unable to find your way to our house and back home.
so we put our addresses and contact numbers in the little plastic bag you always insisted on carrying, praying one day it will not have to come into use.
but one day, we received a call from a stranger. you were found wandering, not knowing where to go.
we really freaked out.
but luckily, you were safe and sound.
and from that on, i made it a point to walk you home everyday as much as i can and when you didnt reach our house by a certain timing, i would be looking out from the window and eventually, either me or mum will go downstairs to wait for you.
i remember the times i would hold your hand as I walk you home. we will cut across the central, which is now the new hospital, and northpoint. sometimes you and me, we will go down to the foodcourt for lunch/dinner, we will share a meal of nasi briyani, fried fish noodles or handmade noodle. sometimes, we go to the hawker centre for hokkien mee and mixed rice. Never fail, you will always push food to me even when i am already having more than half of the portion. and i will always bicker with you and try to shove more back to you.
i remember whenever i was walking you home, as we are walking nearer to the house, you will always shoo me home, especially at the traffic light junction.
i remember how i glared at the car drivers even though the green walking man is gone but you hadnt finish crossing the road.
i remember scolding you when you wanted to cross the road when it was still the red light. i said 'the road doesnt belong to you, you know? cannot cross like that' in hainanese. and you will always dismiss me with ' never mind, i am old lady, the cars will wait for me to cross first'.
i remember the times when you arrive at our house early in the morning just as mum and i were going to the market.
i will always hold on to you even though sometimes you are even walking at a steadier and faster pace as compared to mum. mum sometimes complained about that, you know?
eventually, u moved in with us when i went to taipei.
when i came back, i knew dementia has taken over.
everyone in the family told me about what would happen.
you refusing to bathe, refusing to take your medication, refusing to sleep, accusing the maid that she took your stuff, accusing mum ganging up with the maid to bully you and etc and etc.
somehow and eventually, i became one of the very few that you would listen to.
when i came home for holiday,it became my job and responsibility to make sure you was bathed, meals were eaten and medication was taken.
i knew it was sooner or later we had to face reality and i took every opportunity to take photos of you and even filmed you.
it was only just past the 2nd chinese new year when everything suddenly went out of control.
you are very stubborn, you know?
the countless reminders to watch yourself, don't bend down to pick up things, don't try to carry too heavy stuff.....
why wouldnt you just listen?
i came back and you were already slipping in and out of consciousness.
but when you heard me, you tried so hard to open your eyes.
i felt your then-still-strong grip.
i felt the weariness among the adults in the family.
i didnt know what i could do except to rotate shifts with the adults to keep you company for the then-limited days i had back and console the younger kids.
back to spore on tuesday, i was supposed to be back in tw on friday which was three days later.
it was supposed to be a 'check-up-on-the-condition' trip.
but your condition worsened and it turned out to be a 'journey to the end' trip.
the trip back to taiwan was extended to the following wednesday when the doctor said the situation was not good and
you might not make it through the night.
in the end, there were two false alarms.
the ns boys were called out. everyone was there.
but you held on. yet we couldnt bear to see you suffering in pain.
we told you it was time to go, we were all grown-up and we could manage ourselves.
there was no need to worry about us.
in the end, we took turns again to stay by your side.
everyone was tired from the tears shed, the emotional rides.
it was on the bus to the hospital when i suddenly realised that the coming sunday was Mother's Day.
there was a kind of feeling, a kind of deja-vu, a kind of realization.
15 years ago, grandfather left us on Father's Day.
Could it be....?
Couldnt help but expressed the thoughts to mum.
it turned out that all the adults have the same thinking.
so we waited.
there was only me, mum and one uncle when you last opened your eyes on Mother's Day morning.
we were still talking to you when i saw your blood pressure drop.
i saw your breathing even out and grew faint.
i saw your chest heaved for the last time.
i saw the tears formed in your eyes.
and then....you left.
dont worry about us. find ah gong and be happy.
we are grown up and we know how to take care of ourselves and the adults in the family.
okay?
we love you.
==============
my superwoman. by Dennis Heng on Saturday, 14 May 2011 at 23:24
Sometimes, life takes sudden bends and turns that make you lose your footing in
life. Unexpected as they are, they definitely hurt.but yet, that's the destructive power of dementia.
i remember fondly the times we spent together.
when you were not living with us, you used to walk to our house everyday and walked home every evening.
at that time, dementia was becoming obvious when you started to forget things you said .
i was constantly worried that you will one day, unable to find your way to our house and back home.
so we put our addresses and contact numbers in the little plastic bag you always insisted on carrying, praying one day it will not have to come into use.
but one day, we received a call from a stranger. you were found wandering, not knowing where to go.
we really freaked out.
but luckily, you were safe and sound.
and from that on, i made it a point to walk you home everyday as much as i can and when you didnt reach our house by a certain timing, i would be looking out from the window and eventually, either me or mum will go downstairs to wait for you.
i remember the times i would hold your hand as I walk you home. we will cut across the central, which is now the new hospital, and northpoint. sometimes you and me, we will go down to the foodcourt for lunch/dinner, we will share a meal of nasi briyani, fried fish noodles or handmade noodle. sometimes, we go to the hawker centre for hokkien mee and mixed rice. Never fail, you will always push food to me even when i am already having more than half of the portion. and i will always bicker with you and try to shove more back to you.
i remember whenever i was walking you home, as we are walking nearer to the house, you will always shoo me home, especially at the traffic light junction.
i remember how i glared at the car drivers even though the green walking man is gone but you hadnt finish crossing the road.
i remember scolding you when you wanted to cross the road when it was still the red light. i said 'the road doesnt belong to you, you know? cannot cross like that' in hainanese. and you will always dismiss me with ' never mind, i am old lady, the cars will wait for me to cross first'.
i remember the times when you arrive at our house early in the morning just as mum and i were going to the market.
i will always hold on to you even though sometimes you are even walking at a steadier and faster pace as compared to mum. mum sometimes complained about that, you know?
eventually, u moved in with us when i went to taipei.
when i came back, i knew dementia has taken over.
everyone in the family told me about what would happen.
you refusing to bathe, refusing to take your medication, refusing to sleep, accusing the maid that she took your stuff, accusing mum ganging up with the maid to bully you and etc and etc.
somehow and eventually, i became one of the very few that you would listen to.
when i came home for holiday,it became my job and responsibility to make sure you was bathed, meals were eaten and medication was taken.
i knew it was sooner or later we had to face reality and i took every opportunity to take photos of you and even filmed you.
it was only just past the 2nd chinese new year when everything suddenly went out of control.
you are very stubborn, you know?
the countless reminders to watch yourself, don't bend down to pick up things, don't try to carry too heavy stuff.....
why wouldnt you just listen?
i came back and you were already slipping in and out of consciousness.
but when you heard me, you tried so hard to open your eyes.
i felt your then-still-strong grip.
i felt the weariness among the adults in the family.
i didnt know what i could do except to rotate shifts with the adults to keep you company for the then-limited days i had back and console the younger kids.
back to spore on tuesday, i was supposed to be back in tw on friday which was three days later.
it was supposed to be a 'check-up-on-the-condition' trip.
but your condition worsened and it turned out to be a 'journey to the end' trip.
the trip back to taiwan was extended to the following wednesday when the doctor said the situation was not good and
you might not make it through the night.
in the end, there were two false alarms.
the ns boys were called out. everyone was there.
but you held on. yet we couldnt bear to see you suffering in pain.
we told you it was time to go, we were all grown-up and we could manage ourselves.
there was no need to worry about us.
in the end, we took turns again to stay by your side.
everyone was tired from the tears shed, the emotional rides.
it was on the bus to the hospital when i suddenly realised that the coming sunday was Mother's Day.
there was a kind of feeling, a kind of deja-vu, a kind of realization.
15 years ago, grandfather left us on Father's Day.
Could it be....?
Couldnt help but expressed the thoughts to mum.
it turned out that all the adults have the same thinking.
so we waited.
there was only me, mum and one uncle when you last opened your eyes on Mother's Day morning.
we were still talking to you when i saw your blood pressure drop.
i saw your breathing even out and grew faint.
i saw your chest heaved for the last time.
i saw the tears formed in your eyes.
and then....you left.
dont worry about us. find ah gong and be happy.
we are grown up and we know how to take care of ourselves and the adults in the family.
okay?
we love you.
==============
my superwoman. by Dennis Heng on Saturday, 14 May 2011 at 23:24
I always thought of you as a superwoman. Ever since grandpa passed away 15 years ago, you remained strong and firm like a tree, never swaying throughout the years and always nurturing me and my sisters.
But now, life has taken a sharp turn and taken you away from me. Life is so not fair.
I can't remember who told me what had happened, but one week before I was rushed to the hospital, only to see you lying in bed, sleeping and not talking and breathing heavily because you were sick. When you opened your eyes, you squeezed my hand tightly and looked right into my eyes. You didn't speak because you couldn't, but neither did I know I would never hear your voice.
My parents assured me that you would be fine. Apparently you were, until almost one week later, I was rushed to the hospital again. This time you didn't look like you got better, and instead this time everyone was around your bed. I was afraid, afraid that the unthinkable would come true.
You did many things for me when I was young. Sadly, I never did anything for you as you grew older. Your dementia kicked in gradually and I knew that a change of environment was needed, if not it would get worse much faster. I hoped I was right, but since then I only visited you a few times, always very glad that you were doing well, willing to eat and bathe.
And everytime you didn't want to, I didn't know what to do except to visit you in hopes that you would listen. You did, and I'm glad. But as your dementia got worse I knew it was a matter of time that you'll forget my name.
Every time I visited you, I would just sit beside you on the sofa, holding your hand tightly and hearing you nag "Study hard, and listen to your parents, okay?". Everytime you asked me a question, you'll always ask "how old are you this year?" or "Are you currently studying in uni?", and I would correct you and you would always ask me again the next minute. And even though I didn't dare to ask if you knew my name, you would always say that "so long as you greet me on the streets, I'd know that you're my grandchild".
You did many things for me when I was young, things I never really appreciated and always taken for granted.
When I was still in primary school, I know you'd always bring me a basin of warm water and a towel for me to wash my face every morning without fail. And while I was brushing my teeth, you'd always push my fringe up and tell me "people who have high foreheads are successful people".
I'll always remember how you used to cook delicious meals, and make potato chips and your speciality every CNY for your whole family to eat. Then, I always looked on as you prepared food in the kitchen.
When I was younger and did something wrong, you'll always take the cane and chase me around the house, always trying to cane me for what I did wrong. Naturally, as you got older you gave up more frequently, because you couldn't catch up.
But you were also my guardian angel. Whenever dad punished me by making me stand for hours in the room for not doing homework or being naughty, you'll always ask him to let me off and chase me off to sleep while he complained. Once, he nearly chased me out of the house but you scolded him out of it.
Whenever I walked home from the mrt in primary school, you would at times wait for me at the mrt and walk me home. However, we convinced you against doing this because it was dangerous for you and for me to learn how to be independent.
I remember the occasional times I met you along the way home, calling you loudly from afar "APO!". You would always be on your way to be buying things or snacks for us.
I remember the nights when I suddenly woke up from my sleep. I would be so afraid until I called out for you, and you would always reply me regardless of the time of day and assure me and tell me to go back to sleep. I would feel so assured that you were awake, you were around that I'd go back to sleep in peace. You always seemed like you were awake because you took your many afternoon naps and couldn't sleep in the night.
I'll always remember the cool bamboo material you slept on. I didn't understand how you could sleep on something so hard but you did.
I'll always remember the times you cried out in self pity. Then, I didn't understand why you always did that, but now I do.
And as you grew older, dementia kicked in and things became more unpleasant.
Everytime at home, you'd always scream at the top of your voice on things you weren't satisfied with. Naturally I came to hate your voice because it affected my concentration, my studying and work.
You'd always scream at the maid for not doing things right. I remember there was once we changed 3 maids in 3 months, because they were all so scared of you.
I remember you'll always screamed at us to do our homework and stop watching tv and playing computer games. We would always assure you that our homework is done, but it actually is not.
But that aside, you taught me very valuable lessons in life.
You taught me how to speak Hainanese, or parts of it. Till today I'll never forget who taught me.
You learnt how to speak a bit of English. You always sounded so funny saying words like "sorry, stupid and byebye".
You taught me how to spoil children, by making food for us to eat.
You taught me how to be a parent, and a grandparent in time to come.
You showed me how to be strong. I honestly salute you for having outlived grandpa for 15 years, because no one but you would know how tough it is for a widow to live without her companion.
You were, and always will be my superwoman.
When you left on mothers' day, I didn't know what to say. When Joanne called me to tell me "apo has gone", I didn't know what to think but to just rush to see you once more.
I never got to hear your voice. I never got to see you speak. I never got to see you leave this world.
One moment when I went into NS, and in the next when I was out, things had changed so, so much.
Twice I cried in camp, not because you had already passed on, but because you went so suddenly that I never got to say, "goodbye". I never got to hear you say my name one last time, and when I looked into your eyes some time ago, I couldn't understand what you were feeling, but I know.
You were supposed to be healthy. You always said, you wanted to wait till my wedding day before you left. You said you wanted to live till a hundred years, 10, 15 years from then. And because you gave your word, I believed you.
It's funny how life can be so cruel sometimes. How it takes away the people you loved from you, just like that.
Apo, you always dared agong to take you away, refusing to die because you wanted to live for us.
But now, go, go and look for agong because you deserve to. And when you're together, please do look after your children and grandchildren from afar, from above.
My superwoman, my apo: I love you.
==============
the unforgotten one by Joanne Worc on Sunday, 15 May 2011 at 11:29
Its been about a week since you left.
Hi ahpoh, do you still remember me?
I remembered, the last time i said this to you, was a few weeks ago, maybe even months. I never really bothered to say hi, because i was shy on the inside, thinking that our hearts could connect and you could feel that i love you. I never thought that i would come to regret upon what i've decided.
I remembered the first day which i went to visit you in the hospital, and you were lying in bed, suffering. I didnt knew that your days were limited, but all i felt was the pain which you were suffering. I never understood why you had to go through that.
And then, i didnt visit you for the next week, because of my exams. And the next time i went to visit you, was when you were in a critical condition. At that point of time, i knew you were suffering so much more, but you still stayed strong and you pulled through two nights.
And then you finally decided to let go. On sunday morning, you just left, but well fed, well dressed and smiling. I never got the chance to say goodbye, i never got the chance to speak to you.
But you left behind so much more.
I love you, my dearest grandma.
============
i miss you by Diane Heng
on Sunday, 15 May 2011 at 12:07ahpo ah ahpo
how are you doing?
found ahgong yet?
are you happy there?
how does it feel to be on the other side?
it has been 3 weeks since you fell and a week since you have passed on.
we all miss you,
do you know that?
we have been dedicating notes to you,
can you feel our love?
every morning, when i wake up,
i will be anticipating the new day.
suddenly, my heart feels sour.
and i suddenly remember that you are not by my side anymore.
i know i am supposed to be saying be happy
dont worry about us.
we are all independent now.
you going, its good.
because it is a relieve of your sufferings.
but i dont want to.
i want you back.
i want you to spoil me even more.
i want you to be there when i cry, never questioning me why.
because if the impossible would ever happen,
time would turn back,
i will never scream at you.
i will spend every single precious moment i can with you.
i will love you more than anything else.
i will be there to save you when you fall.
can you answer my questions?
can you please come back and comfort me?
==============
Over a week later by Cheryl Heng on Monday, 16 May 2011 at 23:52
It's been three weeks, since you were admitted into the hospital,
Over a week since you left, at noon on Mother's Day.
I remember freaking out when I heard you were hospitalized,
because you were unconscious and sustained head injuries.
I wanted to visit but had exams the next few days.
During that time I was hoping that your condition will improve and a miracle could happen;
but after visiting, I knew such chances were slim.
I remember freaking out when I heard you were hospitalized,
because you were unconscious and sustained head injuries.
I wanted to visit but had exams the next few days.
During that time I was hoping that your condition will improve and a miracle could happen;
but after visiting, I knew such chances were slim.
Kept telling myself that it's only a matter of time and you won't
be suffering anymore.
Being confined to the bed and fed through tubes, unable to move freely contradicted with your daily life.
Twice you nearly left us, I remember how everyone rushed down on Friday night
when the doctor said you can't make it.
Being confined to the bed and fed through tubes, unable to move freely contradicted with your daily life.
Twice you nearly left us, I remember how everyone rushed down on Friday night
when the doctor said you can't make it.
Yet you managed to pull through.
Saturday, history repeats again.
I couldn't help wondering,
were you holding on till Mother's Day?
15 years ago,
Ah Gong left us on Father's Day.
Your departure on Mother's Day made these 2 days significantly important to us.
In these 3 weeks, I tried hard to convince myself
that dying was a form of release for you,
where you no longer have to suffer.
Told myself that crying won't help to bring you back
and you wouldn't have wanted us to do so.
But I miss you.
Even though I was never as close to you as the others,
I miss your visits, your constant nagging for me to "study hard and listen to my parents".
Everytime you visit, I was, to a certain extent, scared.
I could barely talk to you, can barely understand you.
I was afraid that if you need sth badly, I wouldn't be aware.
Everytime you visit, you will first hold my wrist and comment how thin I am,
when i held your wrist and compared it with mine,
you'll always say "Ah po is old" in Hainanese and start laughing.
WheneverI'm left alone with you and you start talking to me,
I'll be panicking and just nod my head though I don't understand a single word
and when Dad comes, I'll ask him to translate.
You will always stop laugh and repeat what you said to Dad so he can translate,
then chiding me for not understanding.
I really miss the times we had together, my dearest Ah po.
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Missing Her Again by Kaiyan Carine Lin
on Thursday, 19 May 2011 at 06:38Now that I am in Athens having bread for almost every meal, I miss Asian food and especially home-cooked food.
when grandpa went 15 years ago
I missed his mutton soup which was the only dish I remembered about his fantastic cooking today.
Till now, I remember the taste and
sadly to say, I can’t find a replacement anywhere.
And this time when grandma leftI will miss the fantastic and mouthwatering braised chicken feet with Chinese mushroom that she will always make when I felt like eating.
I will miss the paper-thin crispy potato chips that had just the right tinge of salt seasoning which she make during Chinese new year.
I will miss the hor gong that were made of dried rice, orange peel, peanuts and sugar syrup that stuck to my teeth everytime but could not be found anywhere.
I will miss the enormous hainanese chicken she make everytime we gathered as one big family and I remembered when she was stronger, she will always chop it up herself and leave the best (a.k.a chicken wings and drumsticks) for the younger kids.
But most importantly,
I will miss the times when we sit down to eat, the kids at one table and the adults with her at another table, and then we will all take turns to say ‘Ah po, Ja Bui.’ (grandma, eat)
And then she will reply ‘dong nang dou ja’. (everybody eat, eat)
I really miss her.
I remembered the past when we still lived in AMK.
Come to think of it in fact, I am the only grandchild who lived before in AMK and were taken care by both grandpa and grandma.
I see photographs of my childhood years – being carried by ah gong and ah po, seating on their laps, sitting in strollers, being part of family portraits and graduating photographs of the uncles.
But now that I looked at photographs of the life back then, I have hardly any of those memories in mind.So, extreme gratitude to the invention of the camera and more importantly, our family DID have a camera at that time in the late 1980s. who was the one who owned that camera actually? Mum?Maybe Uncle Alfred can answer that? :D
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SHE by Diane Heng
on Monday, 06 June 2011 at 03:02one month,
one month has passed.
i miss you so much.
never felt this painful before.
never felt so sour.
im trying to hold on as much as i can.
putting up your photos at every possible place i can find.
your memories are fading.
and someday, i know i will forget you.
everyone is coping well.
i guess.
every old person i see reminds me of you.
but i have no more tears to shed.
i have nth else to say.
im going to sleep soon.
please appear in my dreams.
bless me, bless us.
i love you more than anything.
bcos it was you who raised me up
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today marks the 100th day of her death.
Sometimes, I still can't quite believe she isn't here anymore.
Missing someone gets easier everyday.
Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other,
it is one day closer to the next time you will.
So, i wish to be your granddaughter again in my next life.
Because its my honour to be loved and doted on by you.
But as for now, its time to suck it up and let go.
