Friday, December 30, 2011
in the blinking of the eye
這是我人生中的第三本日記吧
但也是我回到原點的一本網路日記
從2003年開始在blogspot紀錄自己的生活和心事
到wordpress, wretch, pixnet....最後我還是回到了blogspot
想起當初甚麼都寫在blogspot上
到慢慢偶爾的抒發心事
到寫不出一開始順暢如流的句法
到現在慢慢重拾那寫作的動力
真的彷彿人生經歷了一輪
在台這三年 太多事情發生了
一開始抱著熱情和衝勁
然後慢慢熱情退去 變成順其自然就好
當助理是痛苦卻也充滿收穫的一段日子
好多不堪回首的場面和教訓
資格考核過了 但換來的卻是滿滿的不確定和論文的煩惱
家裡...變化更大
外婆和老爸...真的很想念她們
回憶起那段時間 心裡的痛 真的很痛
但卻只能讓自己堅強起來 因為剩下的家人還需要我
讓我不禁懷疑拿到這份碩士又怎麼樣
它又無法把我失去的還回來
很任性的想法我知道
但一切的一切 讓我意興闌珊
我沒有動力和衝動完成這最後的任務
轉眼已經2011年的最後一天
我到底還要在這個階段耗多久才可以展開新的生活?
好吧 目標在2012年的4月底....加油吧!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
<我可能不會愛你> 熟女守則
1.【終於學會朝邪惡漂亮揮拳，一如我們漂亮的踩著高跟鞋】
隨著越來越熟悉，踩著高跟鞋在社會中戰鬥的妳，開始遇上了各種困難，或許偶爾會懷念起那個穿著白布鞋只為情惱的那些年….不過，總是要學會喜歡現在的自己!縱使，在生活的菱角當中，年紀輕輕的你已經擁有了初老症狀，但別忘記往另一邊看，專屬你的輕熟女魅力正開始散發呢!
穿上軟軟的娃娃學布鞋走路、到指定的學生皮鞋、接著是一雙雙白布鞋、然後是漂亮的踩著高跟鞋自信滿滿走著……從少女漸漸成為熟女的妳，踏過不同的路程，心情的轉折點滴，也只有自己能體會。在品嘗、享受生活帶來帶驚喜與煩惱的同時，別忘了，要學會好好的珍惜自己，勇敢的表現專屬妳的熟女力量，朝向迎面而來的邪惡，毫不猶豫地揮拳力抗吧!
2.【只相信自己的眼光，不再被禮物收買】
女人有的時候太好被收買，一份順便準備的禮物、一個甜膩膩的甜言蜜語、一段騙人不償命的誓言……為了討好另一半，往往刻意改變自己；又或者，為了保持自我，常常妄想改變另一個人，結果兩個人，都不再快樂了。什麼事才是MATCH的一對?就是臭氣相投的兩個人，不要刻意改變自己，也不要想改變他，如果這樣還能一路走下去，這就是最好的答案。而在還沒有找到對的哪個人，不要心急，因為你從來不會是那個等待被提領的箱子，而是一個可以裝載許多故事的包包。
不要急著被收買喔~不再像孩子般被色彩絢麗的糖果所吸引，取而代之的是忠於自己的味覺，選擇真正可以滿足自己味蕾的巧克力。學著要用自己的錢，買自己的包包，裝自己的故事，在還沒有好男人在身邊照顧你之前，拿出你的熟女魅力，自己讓自己活得更棒吧!!!
3.【擁有一個會為你傷心而傷心的朋友】
妳可曾有過這樣的經驗？發現在熱鬧夜晚，勉強自己融入眾樂，卻發現反射在玻璃窗的倒影，那笑著的臉看起來其實很寂寥；有的時候，受了傷，看見周遭的開心，卻只能躲起來，自己環抱自己安慰著療傷。人生當中，很多時候的妳，有點寂寞、有點孤單、沒有人陪伴。電話簿裡一堆名字，卻沒有特別想打給誰，除了…那個人。
妳可曾有過這樣的經驗？發現在熱鬧夜晚，勉強自己融入眾樂，卻發現反射在玻璃窗的倒影，那笑著的臉看起來其實很寂寥；有的時候，受了傷，看見周遭的開心，卻只能躲起來，自己環抱自己安慰著療傷。人生當中，很多時候的妳，有點寂寞、有點孤單、沒有人陪伴。電話簿裡一堆名字，卻沒有特別想打給誰，除了…那個人。
總有那麼一個人，會當你的鏡子，真實反映出你的對或錯；會二話不說，無論離多遠會放下一切趕到身邊陪伴你；會不離不棄，無論你有多蠢、多驢、有多笨、有多自作多情、有多驕傲自大….他都沒被妳趕走，還是停在妳身邊，任由你打罵耍脾氣任性。當你快樂的時候，他會跟著眉開眼笑；當你生氣的時候，他會稱職當個回收桶；當你哭泣的時候，他會當你最頂級的毛巾吸乾眼淚…請珍惜這樣的朋友吧，無論未來你們會怎麼走，至少在此時，他是那個會為你傷心而傷心的好朋友，就算沒有愛人也無所謂，拿出你的熟女魅力，認真對待你一輩子的好朋友，然後學會著，對那個陪伴你的人，付出同等感情關懷吧!!
4.【笑，可以讓你戰勝敵人與自己】
曾經，你被愛人狠狠傷害過，眼睛哭腫得像核桃，鎮日悶著頭狠把苦往肚裡吞，然後發誓要報復、抑者再也不愛了；或許，你還被親朋好友背叛過，茫茫然無措失了心魂，從怨恨到再也不相信，把自己關進牢籠裡誰也不要。那個時候，那樣想的你……有好過一點點嗎?
沒有嘛~對不對?!不管願不願意，既然苦都嚐了，為什麼還要身陷那苦滋味爬不出來?那時，你懲罰的不是別人，只會是自己啊!變醜、變沒自信、變得黯淡無光、變得面目可憎、變得不惹人疼愛…為什要要把自己因為別人，而搞得這麼狼狽?
靠山山倒、靠人人跑，靠自己最牢!無論是憤怒或是哀傷，不要再對著鏡子的那個自己自憐自艾了，學著放手、學著想開、學著原諒，放走了對別人的怨恨哀傷，才能讓自己回到快樂幸福喔。
乖~哭過就好，擤擤鼻涕擦乾眼淚，然後送給鏡子裡的人一個最燦爛的嘴角揚起，畢竟，事情沒有這麼大條、有甚麼難關過不了？就算全世界背離至少還有最挺你的”自己”不是嗎?所以，微笑吧~戰勝敵人與自己，驕傲的繼續走下去，準備迎接更多未來的挑戰喔!
5.【不再是別人的書籤，而是一本值得一讀再讀的書】
有的人很奇妙，就像是一張小小的書籤，就算再美麗可愛、設計獨特，或許會一時喜歡，卻始終無法玩味它，畢竟只是一眼就看透的物品。看到書籤，就像知道要從哪裡「繼續開始」，卻很容易在繼續當中被人忽略、被人弄丟、被人遺忘甚至…被人取代。所以你要當的不是書籤，而是一本好書---讓人無法放下、渴望分享，讓人認真研讀、仔細體會，讓人小心翻閱、細心珍藏，讓人…忍不住想「一讀再讀」，因為你是這麼的耐人尋味!不是封面漂亮就好，而是得汲取很多養分，才能寫成一本好書，就像女人不該只靠著化妝品營造外在，而是要努力吸收生活的精華，才能讓自己的內在越來越豐盛，成為排行榜上令人讚賞想帶走的好書！
你想要當個簡單一眼就被看透、充其量只是個休止符的書籤，還是當一本值得永久翻閱、流傳回味的好書？所以，豐富你生命的彩度與深度吧，把架上成排的經典好書當成你的化妝台，不再當別人的書籤，而是一本值得一讀再讀的書，然後你會發現，將會有更棒的人來尋找你、閱讀你、珍藏一輩子。
6.【讓你發光的不是鑽石，而是你曾經哭過的眼睛】
鑽石恆久遠、一顆永留存…這是大家耳熟能詳的廣告台詞…很多女人喜歡鑽石，除了那昂貴的價值外，或許是因為鑽石被賦予的愛情意義，夠堅貞、夠動人，不像結婚證書那般，一泡到水就稀巴爛。結婚被套上象徵永恆的鑽石，有時候是種犒賞，就像紀念這段婚姻「勇敢」的物品，就算丟了也不足惜；單身女子偶爾也想為自己買一顆鑽戒，當成「一個人也很好」的紀念品，只是這樣的紀念品太貴，常常得寄放在櫥窗裡，可能這輩子從來擁有不起。
鑽石就是鑽石，就算泡了一夜的咖啡或可樂，它還是鑽石…難怪可以這麼昂貴的躺在高檔櫥窗裡。但其實有另一種東西，比鑽石還要無價…...那就是曾經哭過，卻找回自信、理智，勇敢的向過去分道揚鑣的眼睛。
知不知道當你擦乾眼淚後，那哭過的眼睛比鑽石都還要閃亮?隨著你上揚微笑的嘴角，就像是被放在最華麗戒台上的無價瑰寶。或許你曾經痛苦過、失落過，但要記得隨時告訴自己，你現在很好、很棒、很快樂，然後總有一天，你會找到一個真正懂得珍惜你的人，懂得不只是送你鑽石、說他愛你，而是把你放在心中最穩固的地方，一直一直守護你。
大多數人把蘭花當裝飾、以為賞味期很短，殊不知，那好好養育的花期，可是比你想得還久。
就像愛情，你強摘了花、只能短暫欣賞。就算在昂貴花瓶裡再美麗，仍是無根的物品，很快就會枯萎、爛掉、甚至連水都發臭...那時連丟棄都嫌麻煩，還得費心清理。所以要賞花、就該連盆帶土，還得記得澆水、施肥、修整枝葉。
就算花謝凋零，好好用心養著，它會在不經意的哪天，悄悄長新枝、結花苞。想要有場幸福的愛情，記得把它當蘭花來養著，養在肥土上紮根，慢慢灌溉、悉心照料，努力度過愛情中的不順意、如同不去嫌棄那空然無花的枝頭難看，只要相信春天來了、它自然會綻放。
你是失根的蘭花枝？
還是擁有美麗韌根的蘭花栽？
找回自己的肥沃土壤吧，然後好好待在願意呵護照顧你的人身邊，這樣，就算經過風風雨，每年每年，你都將會綻放最美麗的花開！
8.【多喝水，淨化生命、淨化愛情、淨化矇蔽的真相 】有些人常常被「心動」給騙了，其實愛上的是新鮮感製造的怦然假象，畢竟美好強烈的事物，總是比單純平凡的容易被看見、被喜歡，就像香檳，晶瑩剔透的水晶杯加上冒著泡泡的夢幻，那酸甜的發釀滋味，總是令人沉醉不已……只是，偶爾喝是種刺激有趣的事，如果換成頂級香檳每天喝，久了也就成了一種折磨！
現在，你仍在追求「怦然」滋味嗎？還是隨著生日蠟燭增加，開始覺得心臟沒那麼強，那種失序的心動，會讓身體不佳精神受創。夠成熟、就要懂得品嘗即止，別再被香檳誘惑，那是會令人失去理智而無法思考的華麗不實飲品，回頭看看那純淨的白開水吧！
人體70%由水分組成，多喝水，才能提高代謝的本能，就像愛情，多喝水也可以將那哀傷的眼淚和難過代謝出來，不僅可以淨化生命，還可以淨化愛情、淨化你被怦然所蒙蔽的真相。有的愛情像白開水，純淨供給身體循環卻這麼平淡滋味；有的愛情則像華麗的香檳，昂貴甜美卻帶著階級驕傲只會貪醉。所以，熟女們，拒絕香檳上癮，多喝水，一起來淨化…然後進化到離確切幸福更近的階層吧！
9.【勇敢的告訴自己－這不是我的！ 】
努力爭取了許久卻失敗了，令你沮喪、錯愕，但你要知道人生沒有白走的路，老天爺會這樣子安排一定有祂的道理；有的時候你會忍不住渴望那擺到你手上的動人禮物，明知不適合、還硬要收下，但如果你收到某個徵兆，或許就是老天爺對你還有另外的安排考量。不是你的，再怎麼強求，都不會是你的，太多的貪婪，往往會讓你自食惡果。
有的時候，後悔了可以退貨、不想要了可以拋開，頂多搞到不愉快、不舒服，浪費了你的精氣神；有的時候也可以勉強適應、說服自己這樣也好，忍著忍著去習慣……不過婚姻可不同，那是一輩子的事啊！不是小小一枚戒指，既不能換size，也不應該勉強的去適應它！或許當你收到戒指時發現戒圍不對了、你想求婚時竟把戒指遺忘在某處、正要開口卻總被意外打斷……記得想想，那會不會是個sign?!
老天爺很忙，但祂還是會抽空提醒你的心，讓你多點時間看清楚、好好想一想。女孩兒們，再怎麼殷殷期盼，別忘記喚醒妳心中那最真切的自己，Wake up，勇敢的說，或許這不是我的、或許壓根不適合我！
10.【再也沒有人，可以規定我們頭髮的長度 】
有沒有發現？有的時候我們會急於想要擺脫那一成不變的日子，不想走到陳腔濫調的結局，於是你開始想，如果那個我不再是我了，結果是不是會不同？有的人很勇敢，帶著全然的自信迎接改變，不在乎別人的眼光；有的人卻總是遲疑，想要、卻又忐忑，結果搞到最後，有變等於沒變；當然還有另一款人，總是問著別人的意見，忘記了日子是我們自己在過……就像那頭髮，不管留了幾年、洗著、照顧著、麻煩著、編織著的都是頭髮擁有者，我們有權對我們的頭髮要殺要剮，哪需要和誰討論？需要獲得誰同意？有意見的你可以表達、但喜不喜歡是我們自己的事！
是的，再也沒有人可以規定我們頭髮的長度，因為我還是我，並不是任何人的附屬品！不需要再偽裝成一個不是自己的樣子，學會互相尊重以前，別忘記得先學會尊重自己的意願，我們不再是任何人的小寵物，任性的耍點小個性，從今天做自己的主人吧！
11.【永遠都有新一代美少女戰士，站在你仰望的角度 】
很多人心中，都渴望自己可以成為一個能拯救世界的英雄，男性從小學著鹹蛋超人、藏著超人、蝙蝠俠保衛地球的夢想；女性則模仿著著大名鼎鼎的美少女戰士，用著勇敢、堅強、可愛的型態，說著變身密語，大喊要代替月亮處罰你……愛と正義の、セーラー服美少女戦士、セーラームーン。
月に代わってお仕置きよ！
只是在現實世界中，曾經，以為自己可以當美少女戰士的我們，堅持正義不畏艱不妥協，直到長大了，卻好笑的發現……自己其實只是一天到晚闖禍的「小丸子」。
我們是凡人，當戰士、當超人、當拯救者….有沒有覺得累了?其實，偶爾學小丸子柔弱一點，不知所措一點、賴皮的等著被處理、享受著被保護的安全感….好像也不賴。找個挺你的人讓他當你的專屬戰士吧!擋在前面、為了保衛你而戰，你會發現，有的時候不用裝堅強、嘗試著依賴別人或許可以走更遠。
不要怕，就算美少女戰士暫別，永遠會有新一代的拯救者出現，站在被仰望的角度，繼續用他們的方式，優雅的代替月亮來懲罰世界，懲罰著那些想說卻又不想說的怯懦之人、幫助那些渴望夢想的勇敢堅持者!
所以….讓我們一起來謝謝，在身邊默默拯救著世界的美少女戰士們吧!
20 、25、30，存摺上的數字隨著年紀不斷向上攀升累積，然而可以放聲大笑哭喊素顏也不怕被嫌醜的老友，只有你……
打從有意識、會走路開始，我們的生命中就會與很多人交錯並進，有道不同不相為謀的「裝不熟」、也不遑出現那令人氣得牙癢癢的「敵人」、更有各式各樣的人成為我們的「朋友」。而那群朋友中，無論是同學鄰居、職場同事、某個路邊、某個朋友的朋友…有的會成為你這輩子的知己；有的卻是過了這關就忘在後頭；有的則可能因為某個忌妒、某種誤會，搞得老死不相往來，那友好的記憶彷彿過眼雲煙，想起來覺得可惜、卻從來沒人想重新提起。
你們知道朋友是什麼嗎？李大仁說，朋友是拉我一把的人、是可以和我一同快樂一同難過的人、是犯了錯，我必須要立刻糾正的人……而你呢?你對朋友的定義為何?犯了錯、能原諒嗎?失了準、能夠釋懷嗎?還是…不見容任何的錯失，一旦有了裂痕，就寧可丟棄?
朋友，尤其是那種無論時間過多久、無論時空隔多遠都擁有不變情誼的，實在很難得。依照比例來看，友情維持的時間常常比愛情來得長遠，與朋友相聚的快樂總是高過於柴米油鹽的厭倦…因此，你可以計較薪水高低、職務升遷，但不要去計較友情的付出多少。人生一定要有兩本存摺，一本好好的儲蓄財富，另一本則要好好儲蓄老朋友，讓你在無常中，能隨時提領，陪你哭、陪你笑、陪你鼓起勇氣往下走!
當然…如果你遇上友情、愛情、親情三者合而唯一，那麼請牢牢抓緊那個人、讓她/他陪著過一生，這樣你可以享受到的幸福會更多元喔。
13.【擁有熱愛的工作、擁有心愛的家，擁有他 】
夜深人靜時，總會捫心自問：什麼樣子才是所謂的圓滿人生？我們總是在尋尋覓覓，找著那自以為最閃亮的一顆星星靠近，卻常常忽略掉，在身邊的平凡，或許才是最適合我們的那一份絕對。再大的房子，沒有對的人相伴，越顯冷清；再豐富的菜色，少了對味的人共享，食之無味；再美景色，思念的人不在身邊，心不在焉……有的時候，就算愛情沒有高潮迭起、Moment少了驚天動地，卻才是被忽略的幸福。因為彼此有著說不完的話而歷久彌新、因為無論發生什麼是那個人永遠都會在你身邊、因為兩個人總在互相妥協體諒中攜手向前行，於是，就算爭吵、冷戰、不夠浪漫、不臻完美，卻越顯難得可貴。
生活中，是柴米油鹽醬醋茶的組合，不是偶像劇，只存在風花雪月或那騙死人不償命的浪漫。真實世界，唯有發自內心的喜愛，才會是最最最感動的言語…就像世界末日來臨，講什麼做什麼不重要，重要的是那個時候兩個人是在一起……
只要真心的尋找，屬於你的那份幸福終究會來臨，你可以找到一份熱愛的工作、擁有一個心中夢想已久心愛的家、而最棒的是，你擁有另一個他/她，不離不棄，可以一起度過歡樂悲傷。
欸~你們找到了嗎?還是你們已經擁有?或者老早喪失希望不再期待?
熟女魅力守則最終回，無論過去、現在或未來…微笑不再奢求別人給，幸福只能依靠自己得，張開雙手迎接所有不可能的可能吧!別說不會、別再搖頭，誠心祝福…屬於你們的那一份幸福，在美麗的日子中，終將降臨。
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Dedicated to Dearest Grandma
Home feels different now. by Ryan Lin on Tuesday, 10 May 2011 at 00:40
Change is good. But sometimes, it comes with a cost.
Around 2 years ago, you moved in to live with us. I wasn't that welcoming initially.Didn't understand why you had to move in.I barely know you, in fact i was quite distant from you.
Still remember how initially, I wasn't that welcoming.
Couldn't understand why you kept repeating the things you said.
Couldn't understand why you made up stories, and accused others.
Couldn't understand why you were so noisy,busy scolding people all the time.
Couldn't understand why you just refused to eat your meals which the maid cooked for you. Although she did prepare your share, you always said she didn't...
But i knew it wasn't your fault...you didn't choose to behave like that.With knowledge, comes understanding. And with understanding, comes acceptance.One cannot choose if he/she was to be diagnosed with dementia.
Gradually, I realised you brought something into my otherwise mundane and boring life. You reminded me of the word family.And you brought life into this family.
I will miss the times you always look surprised and go "Oh, your're back!" when i step through the house door. Even though sometimes you just saw me left 5 mins ago to head downstairs to buy some stuff.
I will miss the times i always ask if you have eaten, only to know your regular reply would be that "No one cooked my meals." And i would look at the dining table and see the lunch already prepared by the maid.
I will miss the times when you and mom would engage in a shouting match.Only to hear your stories of "how-the-auntie-living-in-the-next-block-saw-what-the-maid-did" and "how-the-maid-pushed-you-till-you-fell" for the umpteenth time.
I will miss the times coaxing you to eat your meals by saying, "its been a long time since your grandson(me) had a meal with you." And of course subsequently your delighted, obliging look.
I will miss the times you open my door to peek at what im doing in my room for like, 3 times in 10 mins?
I will miss the times how you always wake up at unearthly hours to go to the toilet and ask me in the same sombre tone, "Why aren't you sleeping yet?" And followed by me reminding you to wear slippers and walk slowly in the toilet cause it's slippery. And you will always reply "I know, i know."
I will miss the times when im going out and you will always ask without fail if im coming back for dinner.
I will miss the times when you and mom fight over the dining table cause you feel that she's giving you too much food and i'm not getting enough. Or you fighting with me cause i can jolly well grab my own food off the dishes but you insist on helping me.
And i definitely will miss the times whenever i call you grandma and you will always response in the same tone in Hainanese , "What?" .
I love you, ah po.
==============
MY BELOVED GRANDMOTHER by Diane Heng on Friday, 13 May 2011 at 13:14
this is for you.
i remember when you used to sleep with us, you would fan us to sleep even though you were tired. you would fall alseep but wake up to continue fan-ing us shortly.
i remember you used to give me money to go downstairs to buy junk food even though you know i cannot eat. you will say dont eat so much potato chips. but you will buy and told me to drink more water.
whenever you bought your own lunch or dinner back, you will let me have a bite of your food or even give me your food even though you were hungry.
late in the night, you would wake up and use the toilet, never once you switched on the lights as you were afriad that it would wake us up.
whenever i woke up late in the night because i couldnt sleep, you will put me to sleep and stay up till i fell asleep.
i remember that when i was in primary school, you would wait for me outside my school and bring me lunch. you were never late.
you used to wait for me late at night for my tuition to end and bring me home as you were afraid that something would happen. you would come as early as half an hour before my tuition ended and wait for me patiently.
i remember when i was young, mummy used to whack me for doing something wrong. i would run and hide behind you and you would protect me.
you will also defend me when my parents scold me.
you will buy us breakfast every morning during the school holidays. it was my favourite meal of the day.
once, there was a bee in the house. you went to catch it for us. you got stung. when we asked you if it is painful anot, you will say no. but your finger is bleeding.
you will chase out all the insects in the house as you know we are scared of them.
i also remember there was a time when a stray cat entered our house, i was so scared of it that i went to hide under the piano. you carried the cat out and closed the main door.subsequently, you will come to find me and say dont be scared. its gone now.
every chinese new year, you would make alot of potato chips and rice crackers for us.
i also remembered when you were feeding me, i saw you mubbling to yourself. i asked you what are you saying, you replied, nothing. open your mouth and eat.
past midnight, when im still mugging, you will wake up from your sleep and approach me telling me its late, go and sleep now. i will reply wait, i havent finished my homework yet. you will sit by the sofa and wait till i go and sleep before you went back to your bed.
you made us cosy blankets and comfortable pillow cases to sleep in.
late in the middle of the night, you would wake up and cover our blankets for us even though it was cold.
especially if it was raining, you would wake up immediately and close all the windows.
even though you were bored everyday and had nothing to do, you will never switch on the tvee to watch it because you were scared that we couldnt concentrate.
whever i practiced my piano, you will sit beside me on th bed and listen to me practice, attentively.
we wanted to give you a cellphone. but you said you dont know how to use it even though you know how to use the house telephone.
in primary school, you would wake up as early as we did to prepare us for school. you would prepare us basins of water and wash our faces for us.
you will also make us milo to drink and half boiled eggs/french toast to eat before we headed for school.
it was raining heavily once and you were not home yet. we went out to search frantically for you but we couldnt find you. you came back in one piece and ask where did you go? you said i was sitting at block 600 plus chatting with my friend. dont worry about me.
you had a ezlink card but you chose not to use it whenever you go to abo house. you would walk all the way to her house depite the blazing sun. when i askyou why, you will say sun is good. sweating is good too.
we had numerous toys on our bed. when our toys tore, you volunteered to mend it for us. you did a wonderful job.
you also brought us to the public pool when we had swimming lessons. you carried our bags for us, thinking that you are still a strong superwoman.
as you advanced in age, you started making alot of noise in the house.
you started complaining someone stole your clothes, the maid took your money and the keys.
i couldnt stand all your shoutings everyday, so i screamed at you to shut up and go and die! you will scream back at me, saying you wont die so early and keep quiet for a while before you star chanting again
the house was chaotic because of you everyday. everyone's blood was boiling. you knew it, and you even offered to move out of the house.
i didnt need to set an alarm clock in the morning as i knew that your voice would wake me up.
after staying with us for 14 years, you moved out to abo house as we were moving in to a condo.
in these two years, i made it a point to visit you every week. whenever i visited you, i would say, HELLO APO!! do yu recognise me? you will say no, i cannot remember who you are but welcome me with opened arms.
abo will text me once in a while telling me you refused to bath and refused to eat. but once you see me, you will listen to me like how a child listen to his parents.
sometimes, when i visit you, you will say why your hair so long? why your finge cover one side of your eyes? dont wear such a short pants uh!
i remember you will always ask me how old am i? in like 1 hour, you can ask me three or more times. thats the power of demential.
you would also repeat again and again that i dont have to make a trip all the way here as you can easily walk to our house since we moved so near to her. in fact, it was a 30 minutes walk or a ten minutes bus ride.
you would always advice me to study harder, listen to papa and help mummy do housework. now that you all dont have a maid, its very hard on mummy. so dont rebut her and help her out.
when i wanted to go home, you would see me out to the door and give me your cute goodbye kiss.
recently, the maid went back her hometown for two weeks. my poly hasnt started so i had to takecare of you. it was memorable yet boring.
whenever i asked you to go and bath, you will complain that is is very cold even though the sun is scorching outside. do you know theres an invention called the water heater? nevertheless, you listened to me and went to bath.
when im bathing you, i would witness your frail body. every one minute, you will say okay okay, enough already. im clean.
when its time to eat, i will eat together with you and watch tvee. you will give me half of your food and say that you cannot eat so much.
i would take a nap together with you and you refused to on the fan. you complained that it was too cold, dont waste elecetricity.
you were there when we were having a swim. you kept asking us if the water was too cold. that was the last time you ever saw us swim.
as the two weeks were ending, you became stubborn and kept saying you wanted to go home. you even took your belongings and walk out even though you didnt know the route home.
when we were snacking once, you will smuggle a few peanuts into your pocket without me knowing. when i found out, i asked you why you did it, you replied, i want to save the good food for later.
you would also keep a few tissue papers or a biscuit in your wallet.
at night, you wanted to go to the loo but you didnt switch on th lights. you had the figure your way through until you wet in your pants.
i will never foeget what you will always say- you want to bring our whole family back to china your hometown.
even at th hospital, you kept crying that you want to go home. i will say faster recover and we can go to china. you replied, i have no money to bring all of you back.
the previous week, i coulfnt help it but cry wheni saw you in this state. you kept opening your eyes and look at me. you even said, stop crying, cry for what?!
you always put others infront of you.
thats how loving my ahpo is.
takecare and be happy.
ILOVEYOU ...
========================
dont worry about us.... by Kaiyan Carine Lin on Friday, 13 May 2011 at 15:10
i wasnt there when the shouting matches, the disagreements, false accusations
and arguments took place.
but yet, that's the destructive power of dementia.
i remember fondly the times we spent together.
when you were not living with us, you used to walk to our house everyday and walked home every evening.
at that time, dementia was becoming obvious when you started to forget things you said .
i was constantly worried that you will one day, unable to find your way to our house and back home.
so we put our addresses and contact numbers in the little plastic bag you always insisted on carrying, praying one day it will not have to come into use.
but one day, we received a call from a stranger. you were found wandering, not knowing where to go.
we really freaked out.
but luckily, you were safe and sound.
and from that on, i made it a point to walk you home everyday as much as i can and when you didnt reach our house by a certain timing, i would be looking out from the window and eventually, either me or mum will go downstairs to wait for you.
i remember the times i would hold your hand as I walk you home. we will cut across the central, which is now the new hospital, and northpoint. sometimes you and me, we will go down to the foodcourt for lunch/dinner, we will share a meal of nasi briyani, fried fish noodles or handmade noodle. sometimes, we go to the hawker centre for hokkien mee and mixed rice. Never fail, you will always push food to me even when i am already having more than half of the portion. and i will always bicker with you and try to shove more back to you.
i remember whenever i was walking you home, as we are walking nearer to the house, you will always shoo me home, especially at the traffic light junction.
i remember how i glared at the car drivers even though the green walking man is gone but you hadnt finish crossing the road.
i remember scolding you when you wanted to cross the road when it was still the red light. i said 'the road doesnt belong to you, you know? cannot cross like that' in hainanese. and you will always dismiss me with ' never mind, i am old lady, the cars will wait for me to cross first'.
i remember the times when you arrive at our house early in the morning just as mum and i were going to the market.
i will always hold on to you even though sometimes you are even walking at a steadier and faster pace as compared to mum. mum sometimes complained about that, you know?
eventually, u moved in with us when i went to taipei.
when i came back, i knew dementia has taken over.
everyone in the family told me about what would happen.
you refusing to bathe, refusing to take your medication, refusing to sleep, accusing the maid that she took your stuff, accusing mum ganging up with the maid to bully you and etc and etc.
somehow and eventually, i became one of the very few that you would listen to.
when i came home for holiday,it became my job and responsibility to make sure you was bathed, meals were eaten and medication was taken.
i knew it was sooner or later we had to face reality and i took every opportunity to take photos of you and even filmed you.
it was only just past the 2nd chinese new year when everything suddenly went out of control.
you are very stubborn, you know?
the countless reminders to watch yourself, don't bend down to pick up things, don't try to carry too heavy stuff.....
why wouldnt you just listen?
i came back and you were already slipping in and out of consciousness.
but when you heard me, you tried so hard to open your eyes.
i felt your then-still-strong grip.
i felt the weariness among the adults in the family.
i didnt know what i could do except to rotate shifts with the adults to keep you company for the then-limited days i had back and console the younger kids.
back to spore on tuesday, i was supposed to be back in tw on friday which was three days later.
it was supposed to be a 'check-up-on-the-condition' trip.
but your condition worsened and it turned out to be a 'journey to the end' trip.
the trip back to taiwan was extended to the following wednesday when the doctor said the situation was not good and
you might not make it through the night.
in the end, there were two false alarms.
the ns boys were called out. everyone was there.
but you held on. yet we couldnt bear to see you suffering in pain.
we told you it was time to go, we were all grown-up and we could manage ourselves.
there was no need to worry about us.
in the end, we took turns again to stay by your side.
everyone was tired from the tears shed, the emotional rides.
it was on the bus to the hospital when i suddenly realised that the coming sunday was Mother's Day.
there was a kind of feeling, a kind of deja-vu, a kind of realization.
15 years ago, grandfather left us on Father's Day.
Could it be....?
Couldnt help but expressed the thoughts to mum.
it turned out that all the adults have the same thinking.
so we waited.
there was only me, mum and one uncle when you last opened your eyes on Mother's Day morning.
we were still talking to you when i saw your blood pressure drop.
i saw your breathing even out and grew faint.
i saw your chest heaved for the last time.
i saw the tears formed in your eyes.
and then....you left.
dont worry about us. find ah gong and be happy.
we are grown up and we know how to take care of ourselves and the adults in the family.
okay?
we love you.
==============
my superwoman. by Dennis Heng on Saturday, 14 May 2011 at 23:24
Sometimes, life takes sudden bends and turns that make you lose your footing in
life. Unexpected as they are, they definitely hurt.but yet, that's the destructive power of dementia.
i remember fondly the times we spent together.
when you were not living with us, you used to walk to our house everyday and walked home every evening.
at that time, dementia was becoming obvious when you started to forget things you said .
i was constantly worried that you will one day, unable to find your way to our house and back home.
so we put our addresses and contact numbers in the little plastic bag you always insisted on carrying, praying one day it will not have to come into use.
but one day, we received a call from a stranger. you were found wandering, not knowing where to go.
we really freaked out.
but luckily, you were safe and sound.
and from that on, i made it a point to walk you home everyday as much as i can and when you didnt reach our house by a certain timing, i would be looking out from the window and eventually, either me or mum will go downstairs to wait for you.
i remember the times i would hold your hand as I walk you home. we will cut across the central, which is now the new hospital, and northpoint. sometimes you and me, we will go down to the foodcourt for lunch/dinner, we will share a meal of nasi briyani, fried fish noodles or handmade noodle. sometimes, we go to the hawker centre for hokkien mee and mixed rice. Never fail, you will always push food to me even when i am already having more than half of the portion. and i will always bicker with you and try to shove more back to you.
i remember whenever i was walking you home, as we are walking nearer to the house, you will always shoo me home, especially at the traffic light junction.
i remember how i glared at the car drivers even though the green walking man is gone but you hadnt finish crossing the road.
i remember scolding you when you wanted to cross the road when it was still the red light. i said 'the road doesnt belong to you, you know? cannot cross like that' in hainanese. and you will always dismiss me with ' never mind, i am old lady, the cars will wait for me to cross first'.
i remember the times when you arrive at our house early in the morning just as mum and i were going to the market.
i will always hold on to you even though sometimes you are even walking at a steadier and faster pace as compared to mum. mum sometimes complained about that, you know?
eventually, u moved in with us when i went to taipei.
when i came back, i knew dementia has taken over.
everyone in the family told me about what would happen.
you refusing to bathe, refusing to take your medication, refusing to sleep, accusing the maid that she took your stuff, accusing mum ganging up with the maid to bully you and etc and etc.
somehow and eventually, i became one of the very few that you would listen to.
when i came home for holiday,it became my job and responsibility to make sure you was bathed, meals were eaten and medication was taken.
i knew it was sooner or later we had to face reality and i took every opportunity to take photos of you and even filmed you.
it was only just past the 2nd chinese new year when everything suddenly went out of control.
you are very stubborn, you know?
the countless reminders to watch yourself, don't bend down to pick up things, don't try to carry too heavy stuff.....
why wouldnt you just listen?
i came back and you were already slipping in and out of consciousness.
but when you heard me, you tried so hard to open your eyes.
i felt your then-still-strong grip.
i felt the weariness among the adults in the family.
i didnt know what i could do except to rotate shifts with the adults to keep you company for the then-limited days i had back and console the younger kids.
back to spore on tuesday, i was supposed to be back in tw on friday which was three days later.
it was supposed to be a 'check-up-on-the-condition' trip.
but your condition worsened and it turned out to be a 'journey to the end' trip.
the trip back to taiwan was extended to the following wednesday when the doctor said the situation was not good and
you might not make it through the night.
in the end, there were two false alarms.
the ns boys were called out. everyone was there.
but you held on. yet we couldnt bear to see you suffering in pain.
we told you it was time to go, we were all grown-up and we could manage ourselves.
there was no need to worry about us.
in the end, we took turns again to stay by your side.
everyone was tired from the tears shed, the emotional rides.
it was on the bus to the hospital when i suddenly realised that the coming sunday was Mother's Day.
there was a kind of feeling, a kind of deja-vu, a kind of realization.
15 years ago, grandfather left us on Father's Day.
Could it be....?
Couldnt help but expressed the thoughts to mum.
it turned out that all the adults have the same thinking.
so we waited.
there was only me, mum and one uncle when you last opened your eyes on Mother's Day morning.
we were still talking to you when i saw your blood pressure drop.
i saw your breathing even out and grew faint.
i saw your chest heaved for the last time.
i saw the tears formed in your eyes.
and then....you left.
dont worry about us. find ah gong and be happy.
we are grown up and we know how to take care of ourselves and the adults in the family.
okay?
we love you.
==============
my superwoman. by Dennis Heng on Saturday, 14 May 2011 at 23:24
I always thought of you as a superwoman. Ever since grandpa passed away 15 years ago, you remained strong and firm like a tree, never swaying throughout the years and always nurturing me and my sisters.
But now, life has taken a sharp turn and taken you away from me. Life is so not fair.
I can't remember who told me what had happened, but one week before I was rushed to the hospital, only to see you lying in bed, sleeping and not talking and breathing heavily because you were sick. When you opened your eyes, you squeezed my hand tightly and looked right into my eyes. You didn't speak because you couldn't, but neither did I know I would never hear your voice.
My parents assured me that you would be fine. Apparently you were, until almost one week later, I was rushed to the hospital again. This time you didn't look like you got better, and instead this time everyone was around your bed. I was afraid, afraid that the unthinkable would come true.
You did many things for me when I was young. Sadly, I never did anything for you as you grew older. Your dementia kicked in gradually and I knew that a change of environment was needed, if not it would get worse much faster. I hoped I was right, but since then I only visited you a few times, always very glad that you were doing well, willing to eat and bathe.
And everytime you didn't want to, I didn't know what to do except to visit you in hopes that you would listen. You did, and I'm glad. But as your dementia got worse I knew it was a matter of time that you'll forget my name.
Every time I visited you, I would just sit beside you on the sofa, holding your hand tightly and hearing you nag "Study hard, and listen to your parents, okay?". Everytime you asked me a question, you'll always ask "how old are you this year?" or "Are you currently studying in uni?", and I would correct you and you would always ask me again the next minute. And even though I didn't dare to ask if you knew my name, you would always say that "so long as you greet me on the streets, I'd know that you're my grandchild".
You did many things for me when I was young, things I never really appreciated and always taken for granted.
When I was still in primary school, I know you'd always bring me a basin of warm water and a towel for me to wash my face every morning without fail. And while I was brushing my teeth, you'd always push my fringe up and tell me "people who have high foreheads are successful people".
I'll always remember how you used to cook delicious meals, and make potato chips and your speciality every CNY for your whole family to eat. Then, I always looked on as you prepared food in the kitchen.
When I was younger and did something wrong, you'll always take the cane and chase me around the house, always trying to cane me for what I did wrong. Naturally, as you got older you gave up more frequently, because you couldn't catch up.
But you were also my guardian angel. Whenever dad punished me by making me stand for hours in the room for not doing homework or being naughty, you'll always ask him to let me off and chase me off to sleep while he complained. Once, he nearly chased me out of the house but you scolded him out of it.
Whenever I walked home from the mrt in primary school, you would at times wait for me at the mrt and walk me home. However, we convinced you against doing this because it was dangerous for you and for me to learn how to be independent.
I remember the occasional times I met you along the way home, calling you loudly from afar "APO!". You would always be on your way to be buying things or snacks for us.
I remember the nights when I suddenly woke up from my sleep. I would be so afraid until I called out for you, and you would always reply me regardless of the time of day and assure me and tell me to go back to sleep. I would feel so assured that you were awake, you were around that I'd go back to sleep in peace. You always seemed like you were awake because you took your many afternoon naps and couldn't sleep in the night.
I'll always remember the cool bamboo material you slept on. I didn't understand how you could sleep on something so hard but you did.
I'll always remember the times you cried out in self pity. Then, I didn't understand why you always did that, but now I do.
And as you grew older, dementia kicked in and things became more unpleasant.
Everytime at home, you'd always scream at the top of your voice on things you weren't satisfied with. Naturally I came to hate your voice because it affected my concentration, my studying and work.
You'd always scream at the maid for not doing things right. I remember there was once we changed 3 maids in 3 months, because they were all so scared of you.
I remember you'll always screamed at us to do our homework and stop watching tv and playing computer games. We would always assure you that our homework is done, but it actually is not.
But that aside, you taught me very valuable lessons in life.
You taught me how to speak Hainanese, or parts of it. Till today I'll never forget who taught me.
You learnt how to speak a bit of English. You always sounded so funny saying words like "sorry, stupid and byebye".
You taught me how to spoil children, by making food for us to eat.
You taught me how to be a parent, and a grandparent in time to come.
You showed me how to be strong. I honestly salute you for having outlived grandpa for 15 years, because no one but you would know how tough it is for a widow to live without her companion.
You were, and always will be my superwoman.
When you left on mothers' day, I didn't know what to say. When Joanne called me to tell me "apo has gone", I didn't know what to think but to just rush to see you once more.
I never got to hear your voice. I never got to see you speak. I never got to see you leave this world.
One moment when I went into NS, and in the next when I was out, things had changed so, so much.
Twice I cried in camp, not because you had already passed on, but because you went so suddenly that I never got to say, "goodbye". I never got to hear you say my name one last time, and when I looked into your eyes some time ago, I couldn't understand what you were feeling, but I know.
You were supposed to be healthy. You always said, you wanted to wait till my wedding day before you left. You said you wanted to live till a hundred years, 10, 15 years from then. And because you gave your word, I believed you.
It's funny how life can be so cruel sometimes. How it takes away the people you loved from you, just like that.
Apo, you always dared agong to take you away, refusing to die because you wanted to live for us.
But now, go, go and look for agong because you deserve to. And when you're together, please do look after your children and grandchildren from afar, from above.
My superwoman, my apo: I love you.
==============
the unforgotten one by Joanne Worc on Sunday, 15 May 2011 at 11:29
Its been about a week since you left.
Hi ahpoh, do you still remember me?
I remembered, the last time i said this to you, was a few weeks ago, maybe even months. I never really bothered to say hi, because i was shy on the inside, thinking that our hearts could connect and you could feel that i love you. I never thought that i would come to regret upon what i've decided.
I remembered the first day which i went to visit you in the hospital, and you were lying in bed, suffering. I didnt knew that your days were limited, but all i felt was the pain which you were suffering. I never understood why you had to go through that.
And then, i didnt visit you for the next week, because of my exams. And the next time i went to visit you, was when you were in a critical condition. At that point of time, i knew you were suffering so much more, but you still stayed strong and you pulled through two nights.
And then you finally decided to let go. On sunday morning, you just left, but well fed, well dressed and smiling. I never got the chance to say goodbye, i never got the chance to speak to you.
But you left behind so much more.
I love you, my dearest grandma.
============
i miss you by Diane Heng
on Sunday, 15 May 2011 at 12:07ahpo ah ahpo
how are you doing?
found ahgong yet?
are you happy there?
how does it feel to be on the other side?
it has been 3 weeks since you fell and a week since you have passed on.
we all miss you,
do you know that?
we have been dedicating notes to you,
can you feel our love?
every morning, when i wake up,
i will be anticipating the new day.
suddenly, my heart feels sour.
and i suddenly remember that you are not by my side anymore.
i know i am supposed to be saying be happy
dont worry about us.
we are all independent now.
you going, its good.
because it is a relieve of your sufferings.
but i dont want to.
i want you back.
i want you to spoil me even more.
i want you to be there when i cry, never questioning me why.
because if the impossible would ever happen,
time would turn back,
i will never scream at you.
i will spend every single precious moment i can with you.
i will love you more than anything else.
i will be there to save you when you fall.
can you answer my questions?
can you please come back and comfort me?
==============
Over a week later by Cheryl Heng on Monday, 16 May 2011 at 23:52
It's been three weeks, since you were admitted into the hospital,
Over a week since you left, at noon on Mother's Day.
I remember freaking out when I heard you were hospitalized,
because you were unconscious and sustained head injuries.
I wanted to visit but had exams the next few days.
During that time I was hoping that your condition will improve and a miracle could happen;
but after visiting, I knew such chances were slim.
I remember freaking out when I heard you were hospitalized,
because you were unconscious and sustained head injuries.
I wanted to visit but had exams the next few days.
During that time I was hoping that your condition will improve and a miracle could happen;
but after visiting, I knew such chances were slim.
Kept telling myself that it's only a matter of time and you won't
be suffering anymore.
Being confined to the bed and fed through tubes, unable to move freely contradicted with your daily life.
Twice you nearly left us, I remember how everyone rushed down on Friday night
when the doctor said you can't make it.
Being confined to the bed and fed through tubes, unable to move freely contradicted with your daily life.
Twice you nearly left us, I remember how everyone rushed down on Friday night
when the doctor said you can't make it.
Yet you managed to pull through.
Saturday, history repeats again.
I couldn't help wondering,
were you holding on till Mother's Day?
15 years ago,
Ah Gong left us on Father's Day.
Your departure on Mother's Day made these 2 days significantly important to us.
In these 3 weeks, I tried hard to convince myself
that dying was a form of release for you,
where you no longer have to suffer.
Told myself that crying won't help to bring you back
and you wouldn't have wanted us to do so.
But I miss you.
Even though I was never as close to you as the others,
I miss your visits, your constant nagging for me to "study hard and listen to my parents".
Everytime you visit, I was, to a certain extent, scared.
I could barely talk to you, can barely understand you.
I was afraid that if you need sth badly, I wouldn't be aware.
Everytime you visit, you will first hold my wrist and comment how thin I am,
when i held your wrist and compared it with mine,
you'll always say "Ah po is old" in Hainanese and start laughing.
WheneverI'm left alone with you and you start talking to me,
I'll be panicking and just nod my head though I don't understand a single word
and when Dad comes, I'll ask him to translate.
You will always stop laugh and repeat what you said to Dad so he can translate,
then chiding me for not understanding.
I really miss the times we had together, my dearest Ah po.
==============
Missing Her Again by Kaiyan Carine Lin
on Thursday, 19 May 2011 at 06:38Now that I am in Athens having bread for almost every meal, I miss Asian food and especially home-cooked food.
when grandpa went 15 years ago
I missed his mutton soup which was the only dish I remembered about his fantastic cooking today.
Till now, I remember the taste and
sadly to say, I can’t find a replacement anywhere.
And this time when grandma leftI will miss the fantastic and mouthwatering braised chicken feet with Chinese mushroom that she will always make when I felt like eating.
I will miss the paper-thin crispy potato chips that had just the right tinge of salt seasoning which she make during Chinese new year.
I will miss the hor gong that were made of dried rice, orange peel, peanuts and sugar syrup that stuck to my teeth everytime but could not be found anywhere.
I will miss the enormous hainanese chicken she make everytime we gathered as one big family and I remembered when she was stronger, she will always chop it up herself and leave the best (a.k.a chicken wings and drumsticks) for the younger kids.
But most importantly,
I will miss the times when we sit down to eat, the kids at one table and the adults with her at another table, and then we will all take turns to say ‘Ah po, Ja Bui.’ (grandma, eat)
And then she will reply ‘dong nang dou ja’. (everybody eat, eat)
I really miss her.
I remembered the past when we still lived in AMK.
Come to think of it in fact, I am the only grandchild who lived before in AMK and were taken care by both grandpa and grandma.
I see photographs of my childhood years – being carried by ah gong and ah po, seating on their laps, sitting in strollers, being part of family portraits and graduating photographs of the uncles.
But now that I looked at photographs of the life back then, I have hardly any of those memories in mind.So, extreme gratitude to the invention of the camera and more importantly, our family DID have a camera at that time in the late 1980s. who was the one who owned that camera actually? Mum?Maybe Uncle Alfred can answer that? :D
==============
SHE by Diane Heng
on Monday, 06 June 2011 at 03:02one month,
one month has passed.
i miss you so much.
never felt this painful before.
never felt so sour.
im trying to hold on as much as i can.
putting up your photos at every possible place i can find.
your memories are fading.
and someday, i know i will forget you.
everyone is coping well.
i guess.
every old person i see reminds me of you.
but i have no more tears to shed.
i have nth else to say.
im going to sleep soon.
please appear in my dreams.
bless me, bless us.
i love you more than anything.
bcos it was you who raised me up
==============
today marks the 100th day of her death.
Sometimes, I still can't quite believe she isn't here anymore.
Missing someone gets easier everyday.
Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other,
it is one day closer to the next time you will.
So, i wish to be your granddaughter again in my next life.
Because its my honour to be loved and doted on by you.
But as for now, its time to suck it up and let go.
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