I read your blog...and I felt the sadness in you...

It came as a surprise...
He sent me a song sang by himself and even waited for about 1 hour at my void deck...
It really is a surprise.

I don't know since when someone has given me surprises...
I can't make my way downstairs because i've bathed, and i'm now wearing a blue sphagetti stripe with orange shorts, and in addition to that, no bra!
So how can i go down?
In the end, I didn't go down...
And sadly, he has to peddle back home...
I'm now waiting for him...Thinking of what i've prayed earlier...
I guess i'm just scared, feeling insecured...

Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.
Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please,
begging please.
Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

503th day after breakup...

I can't believe time passed so fast...
I won't deny that i still do miss you at times...
Sometimes i missed you until my heart aches...
But i don't dare to voice it out...
Sometimes, when i telephoned people in the hospital, some people's voices sound like yours and my heart never fails to skip a beat...
Sometimes, i saw some people's back look like yours, and i would always try to see if it was you...

I would get quiet...trying hard to shake off that thought...
I'm seriously poisoned...
And i still can't find the antidote...
I would still include you in my conversations at times, thinking that you are still in my life, when in real fact, you are still in my life...
All i've done is just sweep everything deep down in my heart, thinking that the aching feeling will one day go away...
But i'm wrong...truly wrong...
I still feel it, as if it is still a fresh wound...

Like now, i suddenly have the urge to sms you...
But i just do not have the courage to do it...
I'm only human...

Hmm...
Why do i have this feeling of being cheated?
He told me that he needed time to get over the grief...
But it's kind of weird...
Maybe i just treat him like a passer-by then i'll feel better?

历史不断重演 我好累

Recently, i just went through a messy, confusing life...
I don't know how did i become someone's girlfriend just like that...
And i don't know how to ask properly...
Everything just happened so fast that i haven't got time to think properly...
The worst thing...i'm suddenly someone's else girlfriend without seeing this person before at all...
So, i'm wondering...i think i'm only treated as a virtual girlfriend which i shouldn't treat it seriously...

Today is the day for a little celebration...
I wore contact lenses! :D
I reached the spectacle shop at about 5pm and the lady boss explained how to put on the contact lenses to me...
And then i tried to put them on...
I put the right one in first, then the left...
Then i took out the left one then managed to take out the right...
I struggled and struggled...used about one and a half hours to do it...
And i teared...and my eyes got tired and red...
And finally, it was done...
I wore them home and felt so proud of myself...
Hahaha...

I think sometimes, i just want to make myself as tired as possible...
Yesterday was my first night shift, didn't really sleep...
I was thinking about a lot of things...
From the past to the present...
Thinking what am i doing with my life...
I'm kind of wasting my life away...

Then in the morning, i went for this OT seminar which ended at 12.30pm...
When i reached home, i slept for 2 hours then i couldn't sleep anymore...
I was thinking of this person...
Gosh...i really don't know what i'm doing already...

Hmm...in just 1 year and 2 months time, i encountered 3 E-HORs...
I guess i'm the champion in getting E-HORs...
And...at J clinic today, i saw Dr Teo YH, Dr Susan L and a schoolmate whom i don't know her name...
Haiz...never felt so sian before...

But luckily for me, the patient was tested negative for everything...
Whew...thank God :)
But i still have to go for blood test 3 months and 6 months later...
Gosh...i'm losing 20 mls more of blood...
At least it can buy me peacefulness...

How nice it would be if i can go to the seaside now... ...

Have I told you lately that I miss you?
Yes, I miss you...

Will i still get to see you next year on the 12 April?

Today, i went for my exam...
I know i fail...
Because i misinterpreted the question and i wrote something else...
Sighz...i fail...and i got to pay more something to take the module again...
Shit...

It is really getting very tiring now...
I've never been so tired in my whole life...
I worked one day is as if i went for camping for 3 days...
My legs ached from the heel right up to my buttocks, and my back is not spared at all...
My body is going to break into pieces.

My third day of night shift really was an extremely tiring night for me...
I've never worked so hard before at night...
I started scrubbed up at around 12 midnight for a case of decompressive craniectomy, then finished at around 4am as patient needed to go for another scan to see if there is anymore blood clots in the brain...
Hmm...so in my heart, i knew that patient would be coming back again because the amount of blood clots taken out was too little...
And so when i had just finished clearing my craniotomy set, (because i've contaminated it) Nurse Tan KW told me that patient was coming back...
Hence, we started another round soon after...

Nurse Tan KW had a tired night too...
She had to run here and there for me...
The surgery finally ended at about 8.15am...
Dr Tan KK was called in to help Dr Sharon...
And he kept using so many patties...
I was so afraid that he would leave one inside the brain...
And i nearly threw temper...haha..because he won't give me the time to count my patties and there were so many of them...
And then he kept asking for this and that...made my brain going to burst also...
Both my legs were aching like hell...
And they are still aching now...

This is definitely so scary...
This is a job not for the old...
I'm old...boohoohoo...

I can't walk out from grief...

Maybe you are there feeling happy inside that i can't walk out...

But i really can't walk out from grief...

你说的话还在我的耳边
你的爱却已不再
傻傻的我却还追在你的左右
嘴上把你埋怨
心中仍把你牵挂
爱一切 只因为我是女人

今天,我们分手了
希望我能够幸福,找到比你更好的人
你也象其他男人一样, 忘了说过的一切,
说实话,
我不希望你能够幸福,
我担心你能找到比我更漂亮的女孩子,
那你就会真的把我忘记.
我会非常难过,
心如刀绞,
我想我爱你爱得太深了...

This morning, my brother turned on the TV and it was showing "The March of the Penguins"...
I don't know what struck me, but i suddenly thought of the days where we searched high and low for the VCD, and then subsequently the VCD of "The Artic Tale"...
I remembered you told me that my taste is so different that we have to search so hard for something that i want...
Ya, we had really searched through a lot of place to get these two VCDs...

Those were the memories...
After everything, i don't know why the things i remembered about you are all the nice things...
Maybe i'm crazy...

Hmm...
Today's entry is something for me to wake up...
I've been telling myself that i've decided to let him go for a year ago...
But then...up till today, i still haven't done that yet...
So what am i doing?
Wasting time on something which can never happen, and will never ever happen...
Dreaming on something which i thought will one day become true...
Hoping that one day you will still come back...
Wishing that everything which had happened is not true at all...
I dreamt so many times of you...I really don't know what is happening to me...

I keep telling myself that i've decided to let go...
But i'm still standing at the same place, wandering around and around...
I've still here...not moving forward nor backward...
I'm rooted to the ground...
Should i move forward?
Have i made the step forward?
If i've made the step forward, then i can say that i've done something...
Done something to make myself healed...

The heart is something which is so hard to heal...

Hmm...
I finally passed my driving test...
I'm very thankful...
Thankful in the sense that even though i'm having a high temperature of 39 degrees celsius, i can pass the test...
I only know that i'm burning inside...and the car's aircon was quite soothing, and then it made me shivered when i was doing the vertical parking...
I didn't even know what i was doing when i was on the road...
I was driving slowly because i really felt like fainting...
Hence, i'm really thankful that i could pass...
My license photo is so ugly...
My nose is red...haha...because i'm having running nose too...
After everything was done, i went to see the doctor, then took the medication and fell asleep...

Today, i'm feeling much better...My fever becomes 37.8 degrees...much lower...whew...
But my head still feels heavy...
I've lost appetite...nothing seems tasty to me...

*I saw you in a black suit, standing beside your blue Honda Fit.
It was beautifully decorated with lots of orange flowers and Mr Happy and Little Miss Sunshine.
You were smiling.
Then suddenly, the clouds turned dark and it started to rain.
And you went away.*

Come back, please.

Tomorrow is my 4th time sitting for driving test.
And my temperature is now 39 degrees celsius.
I'm very cold now...
I don't know how to sit for that driving test tomorrow.
I really hope i can pass.

Yesterday, i called that number again...
I don't know what made me have the courage to make that call again...
As usual, i'm slapped with the same woman's voice in the phone, telling me that it is unavailable...
I'm still holding on to this same number, i don't know why...
Is there something which i'm unwilling to let go?

Once, i read somebody's blog saying that if we really love this person, no matter what happens, we will never let him/her go...
It just simply means I don't really love you, and you don't really love me...

Yup...it just simply means that way...
So what am i doing now?
Thinking and thinking...
Time comes and goes...
Like a shadow, like a gust of wind...
But why do i still think of you in the middle of the night?
The poems that you had written...they are still in the crumpler bag that you have bought me...
I dared not open them, for fear that tears filling my eyes once again...
I ate mutton murtabak just on Friday, at that prata house in upper thomson...
It just didn't taste the same...
I guess everything will never be the same ever again...

I don't know what am i anymore...
I don't feel me anymore...
I feel just like an empty shell, floating anywhere, and everywhere...
I don't know how it feels like to be me again...
Probably i would never get to feel me ever again...

Ever since i'm back from chalet, i've been having nightmares about schoolwork...
For 3 days, the nightmares got worse and worse...
This time, i dreamt that i cannot make it in time for the submission of work...
This time, it is over 10pm on the due date and i haven't even printed out the work...
Reason: because i forgot about the due date.
My heart dropped in the dream, including the real heart...
This is very scary...

My dream is trying to warn me that i have unfinished work, and i better check the due date and finish it, if not, my dream will come true!
Stressed out.

I was so tired yesterday that i couldn't even switch on the computer to surf the internet for a while...
I reached workplace at 8.30am to attend the fire drill...
This is the most boring event that i had ever attend.
No excitement, nothing.
Then they provided us with breakfast...
After eating, i still had to settle one of the ortho-basic set which i've used.
Then i went for the robotic talk where our hospital is going to use robot's help to do surgery...
This is exciting...

Then i went for rest, for lunch since my shift only starts at 2pm...
I got so sleepy that i fell asleep on the sofa...
Then when i started work, there is 2 bipolar, 1 ORIF of ankle, lots of wound debridement...
Then i got so sian...
Because it would be a busy day...
And sure enough, it was a very busy day...
I wanted to pee was also a problem...because no time to pee...
And that surgeon's name...his name is Andrew...
All of the things recently are so connected to him...

Gosh...what's going on with me?

My annual leave starts tomorrow...
If i still have a boyfriend, i think i would have gone on a holiday with him...
Ya, i know, in my dreams...

I'm here once again...
Just now on the way home, i saw that uncle in the fruit stall of NYP canteen.
He saw me too..even waved and smiled at me...
Memories came back again...
This uncle always treated us fruit juice...
And you also told me stories about him...

Hmm...what am i doing?

Anyway, i made a blunder when i was at work just now...
I forgot to print the picture of my patient's wound...
Then it was only at around 11.15pm when i was bathing, i thought of how that rough doctor splashed my face with the wash used for washing the patient's leg then i suddenly thought of the picture...
So i quickly called In-charge handphone...
And Miss L said she will help me deliver the picture up to the ward...
So scary...
I can feel my temperature suddenly went up...
I was really afraid...
I hoped she really helped me deliver the picture, i think i better check with the ward when i go to work later...

Later having fire drill in OT...
First time i heard of fire drill in the OT...

You know...
This evening, Uncle Sunny brought me to Toa Payoh lorong 6 there...
I saw that coffee shop where we used to have western food there once with your family...
All the memories just came back once again...
I asked uncle why he wanted to bring me to this place...
He said to rescue his friend...
But i told him, why bring me to this sad place to let me remember...

Even if what i want to tell you are in the lyrics of "I Will Be", it is still too late...
"It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as ONE minute ago."

Because, it is impossible to live in the past, and impossible to live like the past...
I know...you live even better without me...
I better keep this idea in my head...

My heart never fails to skip a beat whenever i see this Honda Fit blue car...
This evening, i saw this Honda Fit blue car with red plate...
I stared at the car, looking at the driver to see if it is you...
But sadly, no.
All these can only appear in my dreams...
Once, i saw you in my dreams wearing that brown army shirt and at the back it was all wet because you never dry your hair properly...as usual...
All i could see was your back...
Your back which i can never reach, and will never ever reach.

I keep coaxing myself to let go...
I don't dare tell anyone how much i miss you...not even my mum...
I just kept everything inside, sometimes weeping just by staring into thin air...
I don't know what got into me...
I have really really kept myself super busy...
After all the work, when i lie in bed...I prayed that all the pain can be lowered down to a level which i'm able to tolerate...

Yesterday, i watched Andrea Bocelli sang in a video...
Made me think back of the days when i sat in the living room with your dad watching him sang...
Then your mum would comment that it is so boring to watch this kind of classical pieces, and you too said that it is boring then went into the room to sleep...

Hmm...
Those were the days...
Now he has a few DVDs of himself coming out...you might want to buy one for your dad...
Maybe you can learn to appreciate his songs...

I went to Johore yesterday...
Went the same route as you had brought me before...
But we never went to Larkin...
Went to Taman Sentosa instead...Maybe you want to bring your girlfriend there...
The food there is quite nice...
Not so many people too...
Mum said that she is very happy and contented that she can have this little trip...
Somehow or rather, without my dad, we can live happily as well...

It is really true that we can still live even without the person we used to love dearly...
Therefore, i learnt one lesson...
Never say "I can't live without you" to anyone...

Whatever i do now, i do it alone.
Whatever i strive for, i strive it alone.
Whatever i crave for, i crave it alone.

I missed the times when we worked together, PM together.
That is if you still remember what PM is.

I'm suffering that aching feeling again...
And i must suffer it alone.
I do it all alone.

*Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time.*

*Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one, to take my breath away?*

*If I am away, would you still think of me,
And wished that you could hold me now.
Would you die for me, would you run with me,
All the way?*

*Would you be there to save my soul tonight,
Would you swear that your love is always true,
Would you say that you always be there,
To kiss my pain away?*

I went back to read those sms that you sent me...
They are still in the handphone...yes, that nokia 6120...
I'm still using this phone even though the casing is spoilt...
This phone really followed me through many stages of my life...
My ups and downs...
Sometimes, just by looking at this handphone, i cried.

Am i holding on too tightly?
That dull ache is at my left side again...
I dared not tell anybody about this, not even my mum...
Because i can't bother people with this personal affair...
This burden i must carry it by myself...

Once again, i'm disappointed by my own preceptor...
I used to write her name in my checklist neatly and proudly, thinking that i've a preceptor to look after me, watch my back, even though i heard a lot of not-so-nice things about her even before i met her...
Because i chose not to believe these words until the day i felt it myself...
I want to stay neutral for her...so that it is fair for her...
In my mind, i'm thinking maybe she is not the person whom people said that she is...
In my mind, i want to believe that she is nice and will teach me the things which i'm supposed to learn...
In my mind, i don't want others' comments about her to ruin the image that i have for her...

Sad to say, i'm disappointed. Extremely disappointed.

Today, i'm assigned to OT 2.
After finishing OT 2's case, i was told to relieve people in OT 9...which they are doing a bipolar case...
I only double scrubbed a bipolar case once, and now here i am, supposed to circulate for it...
I really tried my best to serve them...
But it's really confusing...especially the cementing part...
And i was very lucky, i've HongLei to help me in the end...
Then after that, after a rays amputation and change of VAC dressing in OT 17, i was called to OT 8 to relieve her...The case in there is Total Knee Replacement...
Worst...because i've never seen a total knee replacement before...
And i'm very lucky because Maria followed me in, helped me with the billing first before letting that person go...
And true enough, that person did the billing wrongly...
After that, i was alone in there...circulating...
And luckily i've the vendor with me...if not, i'll really do the wrong thing...
He saved me for the cement part, if not, i would have given the non-sterile part of cement to the scrub nurse...
And then she went for her dinner until she never returned...
I was left in OT 8 until 9.30pm until the night shift staff came to relieve me so that i can go home...
After i passed over, it was already 9.40pm...
I don't mind the staying back...
I'm just disappointed because she abandoned me just like that...
Furthermore, it's her duty to be in OT 8, and yet i'm there...struggling on my own when i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do...

Really disappointed. :(

Officially, i'm single for 365 days...And also marks the end of my 4th round of night shift...
Hmm...that's quite long...
Think i'll continue this way for many many years...
Guess that also marks the end of the good memories that i have for you...

Some of the things that you bought for me are donated...
Some were thrown away...
Some are still in my drawer, and one is on my bed...
There were many a times when i felt like i want to throw away the one on my bed, but i stopped...I don't know why, but i just stopped...so till now, it is still on my bed...

This year, many things have changed in my perspectives...
I no longer like what i used to like, as for things which i hate, i no longer dislike them very much...
Things have become so neutral that there is no taste in it...
I'm leading quite a boring life right now...

Physically and mentally burned out on my last night.
When i reached OT, i was called upon to scrub a distal radius case, combined with GS...
So GS girls were doing the face while mine was hand...
After this case, came an insertion of EVD...
I was already very tired, with only 10 mins of rest after so long...(worked from about 9.15pm to 11.50pm, with 10mins rest until 12mn), then prepare the trolley for the EVD insertion, then relieved senior so that she can go break...
All these dragged until 1.20am like that then i went to fetch my EVD patient...
The patient looked blur to me...
He can't remembered when was his last meal and drink...
Then i learnt from the surgeon that his hypertension was not well controlled, he refused to comply to his medication, his BP shot up very high causing a blockage in his brain...
Now i understand why his CSF is bloody...
Then after this surgery finished, it was already 3am...
I even had to help that girl do the paper work after i cleared the bloody set...
If i knew things would be like that, i might as well be the circulating and scrub nurse myself...
Then i quickly went to have some food because i'm so hungry, plus tired...
My temper already started to show...
So i've to eat and sit down...
So by the time i got to sit and eat, it's already 3.30am...
I just sat down for 10mins only, another senior came in and made this remark "Wah..you come for 2nd supper ah?"
I don't know if it's sarcasm or what, but i just told her i only had 10mins break.
Then a short while later, someone called again to do rays amputation.
Gosh...why must it always be me?
But luckily she said she would scrub that case...
I seriously hate amputation...

On the way home, i fell asleep so many times while standing...
This job can really kill...
The moment i reached home, i collapsed on the sofa and slept.
I got no strength to bath...haha...
So i slept and slept, until 3pm...
I really can understand why people are quitting...
Frustrations are everywhere...
Work keep mounting after it is just finished, and we have to finish those fast...
Haiz...good luck...

This morning at work...
Not enough staff...6 staffs were due to work, but 4 were down...
And the surgeons wanted to open 2 theatres with just 2 nurses...
On top of that, one of the nurses had to do routine work, prepare trolleys for monday...
This is a really tough job...
Nurses got to split themselves in half and it is still not enough...

Now i understand why so many staffs left...
The workload is way too heavy...
Hope the people upstairs have solutions, because all of us who are still surviving, are working way too hard that we will be down sooner or later...

Got to go to work now...
I hope tonight is fine.

I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go,
but I know I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you. Hmm.
Bittersweet memories that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye.
Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
(Instrumental solo)
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.
You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

If you are still reading my blog, remember this song?
Your dad bought the CD and we brought it into your car to listen to it when we were at Sembawang Park...
Those were the memories...
Slowly fading away...
Will they all one day fade away? Until i can't recall a single thing about you?
On the 12th April, it will be exactly one year since the day we broke up...
How are you? Are you still fine?

Tears no longer filled my eyes when i thought of you...
I'm just feeling glad that i had loved before, had the chance to love someone is something to be happy about...
Even if i'm to remain single for the rest of my life, at least i've loved someone before...
It's better than nothing...

I've let go...
And i feel the freedom.

It's a bad day at work...
The moment i reached workplace, Honglei gave me a look like i've done something wrong...
Then she blamed me for changing roster with Juriana without telling Sister to change the assignment...Because this morning, Juriana was on sick leave when she was supposed to cover OT 2 with the Lightning...
So i told her, i've already told Sister to change our assignment so why is she blaming me?
Then she told me that Sister Teng was unhappy with me...
Shit...I didn't even do anything wrong and i became the scapegoat...
Then i went out and i happened to see Sister Teng...And she really looked like thunder struck at me...
Shit man...It is not even my fault and i get all the blame...
First, i'm not the one who wants to change the roster.
Second, i even did the extra mile by reminding Sister to change the assignment of mine and juriana's.
So why is it still my fault?
Then the In-charge asked me the same thing again when she saw me...
I really felt like shouting already...
But i controlled myself.
Idiots. A bunch of idiotic idiots.

Good things is always not mine.
Bad things will always come to me even if i'm not at work...
Shit...You people's mouths are all stuffed with shit...
Nothing good comes out from your mouths...

Happy one year working anniversary!
Yan Fang, you have a long way to go! :)

A year ago, on the 5th April night, I remembered myself praying to God that i would have a good day at Tan Tock Seng Hospital the next day...
Then i tossed and turned for quite some time before i drifted to sleep...
That kind of sleep wasn't deep, it was almost as if i didn't sleep at all...

So fast...time flies...
I'm here again...364 days later...
Have i become stronger in mentality?
Have i matured?
Have i gained more skills?
Have i slimmed down?
There are just so many questions to ask myself...

Most importantly, i'm done with one year of my bond. :)

I'm highly stressed now...
I can't seem to write my assignments...
And they are all going to be due in 10 days time...
Gosh...i really don't know what to do now...
Guess i can't go have fun until i finish my assignments...

Once again, i'm watching "The Amazing Race" to feed my addiction...
Haha...i'm watching season 3 now...
One of the teams which consisted of Flo and Zach really left me amazed...
This guy Zach is absolutely a great great guy...
I've never seen someone who is so upright, so patient, so good-tempered...
His teammate is really a lousy teammate who only knows how to whine, cry and scream...
I wondered how come she has friends in the first place...
Zach is person who won't cut queue because he feels that it isn't right...Oh my gosh...what a great man!
He can tolerate that stupid girl (Flo), which makes him very great as well...

Haha...why am i so excited about this?
I guessed i'm poisoned by this game-show...
I want to be back there watching...
Good night. :)

Gosh..i've been watching a lot of "The Amazing Race" until i had a dream that i'm in the race with my brother...
I watched it on Youtube until 4am today...
Can't bear to go to sleep...i just can't get enough of it...
Haha...if possible, i will go to great lengths just to participate in this...
I will even get unpaid leave from my job for this...
Because this is like a once in a lifetime opportunity...

And because i've watched too much of it, i'm going to do my assignments today...
I'm so so so lagged behind...

Today at work, i've eyes which don't know orrhh---yee---orrhh..."tarzan"
Haha...
I scrubbed up for right little finger fracture case for this doctor whom i've never seen before...
So while i was scrubbing my hands, this surgeon came into the scrub room and i smiled at him...
He asked what's my name, and i said "yan fang"...
Then he heard it as "yuan fang"...
Haha...i wondered what's happening to everyone's ears...because upon hearing my name, they will pronounce it as "yuan fang"...which sounds funny because who will ever have this kind of name?
"yuan fang" literally means "round and square"...haha... :p

So i still don't know who is this surgeon, and i happily went to prepare my trolley...
Then he had no assistant, so i became the assistant...
I helped him retract the skin, took this and that, and i was thinking to myself that this surgeon is nice...because he even pointed to me which one in the patient's little finger is his nerve...
Cool...he taught me things...very very few doctors do this...
So i was his assistant for some time until Dr Tan PL came in to assist him...
Then after that she left to do another surgery and i went back to be his assistant...
And i'm his assistant for a little while only, another doctor came again...(Chee KG)
And then, i find it strange...i was like thinking, how come so many people are so eager to help him?
And so, i asked Xiaoyu...
She told me he is Winston Chew, then something else which i can't hear clearly...
But who is Winston Chew?
I can't ask again because i've to pay attention to the surgery...
So i just continued with it...
I'm feeling on cloud nine because that person is just in front of me... :)

Then Nurse Bong came in to be my circulator...
We chit chat...they chit chat...
Then i asked her again who is this surgeon...
That's when the 'Orrhh---yee---orrhh' comes about...
He turns out to be the department head of orthopaedic surgery...
Haha...this explains everything...
I never see such a nice big shot before!
Which makes me happy too...it means that there are nice big shots in the world after all... :)

And after the surgery, i kept singing "I don't want to miss a thing"...
Because i can't bear to close my eyes when this person is there...
I really felt so happy... :)

Worked for 11.5 hours yesterday...
Was so tired that at 4.45pm, i asked for a stool to sit down...
My throat was so dry and i kept coughing...
Then gastric pain had to come...

When i reached home, i was so tired that i couldn't talk...
Ate dinner, then kept staring at the television...
Legs aching like hell...
I really love my legs...they did wonders for me which i thought i couldn't...

I have to see the doctor soon...

I'm sick...yeah...
But i can't take MC...
My throat hurts from the coughing, and it feels so sore now...
My head is spinning and i don't really know what i'm rambling about...
Drank so much water, but it's still the same...
I've to go to work, if not my allowances will be gone and i've to re-do the 3 days of night shift...
Today is the last day...no matter what, i've to drag myself to work...

Hold on...

FUCK YOU!

Seriously speaking, i don't mean to be rude...
But i really hate her. Hate her to the core.
Thinking of it, if i'm a guy, i won't even want to fuck her.
So irritating...So bastard behaviour...So shitified...
Only know how to scream and shout when something is wrong, do not rectify problems, always asking people to wipe her ass...
She thinks her ass is very sweet-smelling?

0_O???

SHIT YOU!

Your mouth is full of shit.
Words coming out from your mouth are all shit.
Your actions are full of shit.
You say one thing, but you do another.
What the hell do you want?

0_O???

I really don't know how am i going to spend my days with you...
I really don't want to be with you.
GO AWAY..AND NEVER COME BACK!

My third round of night shift tomorrow...
And i'm with this irritating person...
Tomorrow better be good...

Tomorrow grandfather and grandmother are going back to Indonesia...
Quite worried for them...
They are old already, then back in the village there is not much of medical help...

Anyway, i'm so tired now...
Going to collapse soon...

*Even though i'm exhausted until very exhausted, a part of my time was used for thinking of you...When can i walk out of this? I still go to your blog, hoping that there will be something new, but i was deceiving myself...
Why must i do that?
I want to sleep everything away...*

Love can be simple.

My grandmother has been "blanked out" for the past few weeks...
She is very worried about grandfather that she has aged a lot...
I think a lot of things has been running through her mind...
An old woman worrying so much at her age...it's painful...
Her frail hands holding on to his shoulders...she was quiet...nothing was exchanged between him and her...he knows that she loves him more than he loves her, i believe...
But she doesn't mind at all...
That's how love can be...that simple...

Growing up can be a painful process too...
As we grow, the more love ones go too...
No matter how hard, how tight i tried to hold on, they will just slip away day by day...
Quietly...quickly...

I'm having a gastric pain now...
It feels like it is eating my guts out...

My grandfather got admitted into hospital...
His condition is not really good...
I seriously don't know what to say about that damned hospital...

Tell me, what should i do?
I will do it...

Earth hour day is coming again...
This time it is on the 27 Mar 2010...
Last year it was on 28 Mar 2009...
I remembered that time you were so angry with my mum's "外人" that we quarrelled...
And so fast..1 year is going by once again...

I don't know how i did it...
I can remember all these things...

*I hate myself for loving you.*

Saw a Volkswagen yellow beetle when i was on board bus 90...
Saw a "Little Miss Sunshine" in the yellow beetle...
I miss Little Miss Sunshine...
I had always smiled at the Little Miss Sunshine...
Really...i'm being stupid...
Living in memories again...

Then i saw that overhead bridge...and remembered how we walked from Sim Lim Square to Kim Keat Link...
I saw that few blocks of flats and one of them is the one which you stay in...
I didn't want to look...but don't know why i looked at them in the end...
I'm clinging onto the memories like how a drug abuser clings onto his morphine...

12 April 2010 is the day when we will break up for a year.
Time really flies.

This is a really busy month...
I've driving test on the 10 March, i seriously hope i can pass this time.
I really don't want to step foot at Toa Payoh anymore...
And then i've assignments to complete. The worst is, i'm behind time.

I felt so weary, so tired and exhausted...
And i still have a presentation to finish...
And that stupid woman won't help, keep saying that she is busy and has no time...
This is not an excuse! How can she just push everything to me for me to finish alone?!
So unfair!

Tomorrow i got to leave house at 8.15am to go to Ubi to learn driving...
My parallel parking is horrendous...
Even my instructor scolded me stupid...
Hmm...what to do? i've a square brain...

I just did something.
I called that number.
I'm able to call through that number.
About one month ago, i can't call through that number, and now i could.
What does that supposed to mean?

That he still holds onto this number, or this number is already someone else's number?
I don't know.
I don't have the guts to wait until someone answers the phone.
Because i'm afraid it's not him anymore.

I'm totally stressed out this morning...
Scrubbed up for Prof Ong's frontal tumour case...
Got frightened once again by his deep voice...
His voice is manly...but when he says a word, the air stood still...

Then i made a few mistakes...
Like when he said "Langenback", i heard "periosteal"...
Haha...i think my ears have a problem...his voice is so deep too that i've to imagine that word in my head first before proceeding to give him the instrument that he wants...

Now i feel like pulling my hair out...
The comment which i've made in my discussion board is gone...
I've to typed it again...which is so long!!!
Arrgghhhh...

Something must have clouded my eyes...

I actually thought i saw your car at the petrol station below my block...
That blue Honda Fit...
I don't know what i'm thinking...
Must have been possessed...

What i'm posting now is about yesterday...

I had a shock again when i woke up at 6:57am.
My work started at 7am...
Yes, i'm late for my work...
Wondering how come i didn't hear my alarm...
So i quickly rushed through my washing, and managed to reach hospital at 7:45am.

And..i'm so lucky...i don't have to stay back to make up...
I make up for the lost time on monday...
Then i quickly rushed to Toa Payoh because i had a driving lesson...
And i was tired that when i reached there, the instructor was nowhere to be found so i fell asleep on a bench beside the playground.

If possible, i really don't want to go to Toa Payoh...
My driving instructor told me that Andrew's mum asked him whether have i passed my driving or not...
Why does she want to do that?
Out of concern? Out of busybody-ness? I don't know...
She already has a future daughter-in-law, why want to know things about the past?

Then he drove me to TPY station so that it's easier for me to go to AMK because i'm going to my grandma's house...
I saw bus 88 and i took it...
It's like driving down memory lane...
First, i saw the path where we always walked hand in hand to go home when you didn't have a car yet...
We had so much to talk then...
I saw the Fortunate restuarant where we had dim sum...

The memories are clinging to me like fleas on a dog...
No matter how i try to shake them off, it's still there...

I don't want to mention about you anymore...
But you are still in my mind...
What am i doing?

我给你的爱无边无际
如非要设一个终点, 那将会是在呼吸停止之前...

I don't know...maybe this is really plain bullying...

When i reached workplace, i was put in OT 16...
There was this bronchoscopy case...
Mdm S was the scrub nurse, Mdm C was the senior circulator in the OT...
I don't even know why i'm put in OT 16 because i don't think they need an extra hand without the experience in broncho cases...
But thinking that since i'm there anyway, i might as well learn something today...

Hmm...
So i learnt the paperwork and the laser machine...
Mdm C told me to do the paperwork, while she helped Mdm S with the setting up...
So everything was set up, and the surgery proceeded...
Then at 1.30pm, Mdm C left the OT, i think she finished her work already that's why she left so early...
So i was left alone with Mdm S until Mr E came in...
He took over her at 3.30pm, while Mr W took over me at 4pm...
I passed everything which Mdm C taught me about the laser machines, the specimen, the laser protective glasses, about locking up the cupboard after the case and pushing back the TV system...
Mr W gave me an attitude like he didn't want to listen...
But i still passed on the message no matter what...
Then i went home...

And at 6.30pm just now, he called me...
And i got a shock because he asked me where is the checklist for the instrument set...
I don't even know what sets were opened for the scrub nurse, how will i know whether there is a checklist or not...
So he raised his voice at me, asked me why i didn't ask if there is a checklist, if things go missing then who is responsible for it, if i don't know circulating, should have told sister that i can't circulate then i should have scrubbed, and why in the first place i'm in a broncho theatre if i don't know anything...
Only a piece of checklist can lead to so much comments...
All i can do is "yes..yes..yes"
I can't say anything else...
Mdm C didn't tell me anything about the sets and i didn't ask because this kind of things isn't it supposed to be so natural to do it properly...
One gives support to the scrub nurse, another do paperwork...
She gave support to the scrub nurse while i do paperwork...
Nothing wrong with this...
Why have to kick up such a big fuss over a piece of checklist?

I seriously don't understand...
I think i'll ask Mdm C tomorrow during work...

I'm really very disappointed...
The feeling of being betrayed sucks...
There is really no one in the workplace who is true?

I've been putting on a strong front for a very long time...
How long more do i need to do that?

I don't want to care about things anymore...
Make myself so tired only...

I'm really getting more and more upset with my work that i believe that one fine day, i'll just leave..for good...
Meaning to leave nursing line...and do something else...like vet assistant...