Regime #9 stopped

The numbness in my fingers and hands made typing difficult. Please do appreciate this entry. Thank-you.

Ixempra is not an easy drug to handle, as could be seen by the side effects I was put through. I blamed myself for not taking my Chinese herbal medicine in time to manage the sluggish intestines, which I did so well in cycles 2 and 3. The bone ache and numbness were not easy too.

Anyway, more drama followed after my last entry. The bone ache and numbness hit new high and caused me much misery. Shuai Ge as usual troubled Dr See who prescribed me medications to ease the pain and to give me at least a good night's rest. Before that, upon LX's suggestion I sought help from a fellow churchie who specialises in pain management. He only called two days after Dr See's prescription.

I then had a tussel with antibiotics (to tackle the inflammed large intestines). This was after the CT scan done, which showed part of the large intestines being enlarged. Thank God for the gentle nurse at the CT scan department, the scan went smoothly. The two courses of antibiotics were those after my recent seeing "red" episode. I stopped after two doses of them as they did not agree with my stomach. Again after the third dose on day two, I was nauseating to no end. Sleep was denied. Shuai Ge couldn't stand by to see me in pain and again disturbed Dr See's clinic. I felt so silly when after her prescription of anti-nauseating pills and proper management of taking the antibiotics, my stomach was in much agreeable terms with the antibiotics.

I told Shuai Ge today would be the last day of the antibiotics course (but didn't tell him my plan to throw away two tablets left). But alas! He actually counted the tablets and said it was Tuesday morning. Aiyah!

The bleeding issue was not resolved totally. Dr See had asked Dr R Yeo the radiation oncologist to do a brachytherapy on me. I have been scheduled to be radiated tomorrow. Ah! My first suana!

Though the CT scan report wasn't out, Dr See had suggested to stop chemotherapy altogether and to rest for two to three months. Meantime, she suggested I try TCM. That night after seeing her, Shuai Ge asked me if I knew what all that meant. I didn't. I don't think my doctors have given up on me yet, just that I have very limited options as of now.

You probably can't recognise me now, being reduced to mere bones. LX had been my main contact point in church with so many asking for visitations. She helped me decline all. As for me, I would ask for help in going to the hospital should the need arises. As LX said, LZ and her are on standby all the time.

I have done enough crying over the last few weeks. I really hope it will not be repeated.

Till the next entry!


P.S. Much thanks to my chio-est one for helping me out with adding gadgets on this blog.

aunt agony

The lack of updates is an indication of how things are: bad. Over the past few weeks, I have turned into aunt agony, not one who dishes out advice for the troubled, but one who is in anguish.


The biopsy report showed spread of disease, unknown sources till further scan. I had sometimes played the scenario in my mind whereby the doctor would give me the ultimate bad news. Would I be devastated and cry my heart out? Or just simply take in the news? I don't know.


Anyway, the bleeding did stop after Dr See's medication. I carried on with cycle 4 on 23rd July. I was still feeling alright till Sunday (26th), everything just turned painfully tormenting after that. For three whole days, I spent every waking second in agony and misery. Never had I felt so much pain and in such great intensity as those days. I couldn't eat, move, sleep or do anything. The pain was so excruciating that I broke down, several times. Painkillers didn't help. I just wanted to die as the agony got unbearable. I sent out prayer-sms requests.


The bone ache abated somewhat an hour after that sms was sent. However, another pain hit me. My stomach began to feel bloated. Over the next few hours, the skin threatened to split over. The discomfort got to a point that I had thoughts of ending it all again. Why, Lord, why wouldn't it stop?


The one who is also suffering with me is "Shuai Ge". He couldn't watch me suffer and not do anything. By Thursday morning (30th), I was in Dr See's clinic. I had a drip, an x-ray, a booster for white blood count and an enema. There was some relief but not the end of my suffering.


The bone ache returned at a moderate level, but the numbness intensified. My fingers and arms, knees, toes and feet are stiff and perpetually in pain. Imagine I couldn't even text on the handphone or press the buttons on the house phone. Even simple bending of the fingers hurt.


I have no lack of concerned friends, help and offers of help, and words of encouragement/hugs. It is very heart-warming. All these pain and suffering have taken a toll on me physically and my fighting spirit. I have reflected my intention not to continue with this regime as there is no quality of life.


I realise this is a really bad year for me. I was transferring blog entries from my previous blog and reading through some of them. My entries this year weren't like before. All I can say is that the side effects have significantly affected my mental and emotional state and thus it is reflected through my entries. I need a break and a return to "normal" days, so as to be recharged and kick the unwelcomed, overstaying guest. When will that be?