My Courageous Friend

my courageous friend (support grp p4)

[13 Nov 2006, 05:43:47 PM]

Estella dropped by on Saturday. It was because her student (who lives in my block) was not home and she had already torn a carpark coupon. Ah, sweet Estella. Our friendship went all the way back to secondary school; we were sec 2 classmates. We got closer during the last few years. If you think I am brave, you should see her.


I am very thankful our paths crossed eight years ago. She is one tough lady and one whom I admire alot too. Before I was sick, we used to go for movies together, especially during the holidays. Infact before I discovered my illness, we went for a movie together. She sent me an sms to say that we should book our tickets through the internet for our next movie. Imagine her shock when I replied her that I wouldn't be able to watch movies for some time to come and that I have cancer. She visited me many times when I was home recuperating after an operation and during my first chemotherapy. She prayed with and for me, passed me lotsa leftlets about healing and healthy living, brought me to her cell group and got them to pray for me. She bought me the book "A Purpose Driven Life". I was the one who nudged her on taking up BSF classes. And she in turn, nudged Amy.


I believe God made our paths cross. She has been a great encouragement to me. She treats me as if, how should I put it, I am normal. She shares with me her problems, just like before. She asks me for opinions on certain matters we both face or even those which you would only share with close friends. I am grateful she values my comments and viewpoints. Despite what she is going through, she makes time for me (as well as another friend, Amy), to ask about my progress. And she is always so cheerful, embracing life with so much vigour.


Whenever I think of her, it warms my heart to have such a great friend. One who looks beyond her own problems and yet makes time for others who are in need. One who still believes strongly in living well and happy, not looking at her own circumstances. One who encourages others who are disheartened. One whose strength and cheerfulness I will remember fondly with admiration.

Breakfast Kakees

breakfast kakees (support grps part 3)

[1 Nov 2006, 05:38:30 PM]

(updated on 5 Nov 7.08pm)

It is said, a close-by neighbour is better than a distant cousin. How true. My breakfast "kakees" are actually my neighbours who are also my friends, except Ivy who doesn't live in this block. Jen has always been looked upon as the "big sister". She is the one who knows almost everyone in this block and connects all of us. In the past we used to have block parties at the void deck, potluck style. However, the big group had dwindled to just the four of us.


When I was first diagnosed with cancer, it took me a while before telling them. Janet came to know about it through musketeer sheep. When Jen heard about it, she couldn't sleep that night, wondering why it had to happen to me. Someone who has always been careful of her diet and one who believes in natural remedies. Jen, Liz, Grace and Ser had always gone for breakfast together, even before I was ill. During the the first chemotherapy I had, they were always dropping by before and after my treatments to cheer me on. Not forgetting the food they bought or brought or cooked. Jen has been most helpful with cooking and marketing. Even today, she teaches the helper how to cook some basic dishes. Her helpfulness extends to the other neighbours as well. What touched me most was the time she cut her hair as short as mine when I went out with them without my wig. It was funny when people thought we were sisters.


Ser is the one who drives us around every week for our breakfast outings. Even if it is only the two of us, she still brings me out, having breakfast together. Liz is the cheerful one. Janet who doesn't join us for breakfast would always pop by to chat. She is one of my emotional garbage bins. Our weekly breakfast outing has become part of my routine and life these days. How did I get myself into this group? I asked them. Last year, before my relapse. It is amazing how we have become so close.


We are not of the same faith, but it doesn't matter. Ser and Jen's significant other would send me to BSF classes when "Shuai Ge" couldn't do so. Even if it meant going out in the rain. The neighbourliness in this block reminds me of "kampong" days where everyone helped and looked out for each other. I used to ask God why He didn't let me stay in some private landed property. Now I know the reason.

Edited:
I should add that sharing of food with friendly neighours have helped to widen each other's tastes and acceptance of new flavours. Musketeers should not take for granted their current wide food range. Jen is the "kueh" and "noodles/beehoon/hor fun/rice" expert. Ser is a vegetarian but she makes nice sushis, mee siam and vegetarian food. Liz cooks delicious Hainanese chicken rice, "chop suey" and a mean cabbage with long bean rice (one of my favaourites). Janet used to share with us auntie's curry chicken, curry yong tau hoo and dark sauce meat. And me? The daring one who tries and experiments the "ang moh" recipes. The musketeers indeed are the blessed ones. You could say these breakfast "kakees" along with some others help shape their tastebuds.

If the thoughts seem incoherent, blame it on the super swollen tongue with several big ulcers and pain.

My Churchies

my churchies
[23 Oct 2006, 03:02:01 PM]

(Support Groups Part 2)

SH was the one who brought us into this church. We have been attending its services since then. Through him and LX we got to know the other church brothers and sisters. They have been a great supporting group too during the last two and a half years.


I was touched when "Shuai Ge" told me that they have designated half past ten every night to pray for me. After my operation two years ago, several of them came up to me and extended their hands of friendship. Some even sourced relevant books for me to read (and those Chinese books really helped!). I remembered when I embarked on laughter therapy, they sms-ed me jokes (they still do so now) and one lent me a joke-book. We do meet outside of church activities for sharing and encouragement. They are also the ones I always sent prayer request sms-es to. Though we may not have known each other for a long time (most of them have known each other for more than ten years), the ability and open-ness to share and the gradual understanding of each other have certainly brought us closer. What is most encouraging to me is knowing "Shuai Ge" has his own support group in them too.


LX's two sisters are part of this group as they are in the prayer sms-es loop. They have been very supportive. Infact her pastor brother-in-law visited me when I had my first chemo. Like I said, it takes a "whole kampong" to nurse me. By that I also mean my friends and some of their family members. LX and SH did quite alot for us, despite their own busy schedules and commitments. They never failed to come to our aid, especially during emergencies. They even helped celebrate the musketeers' birthdays. Recently a church couple spent some time talking to musketeer yangguo about their findings and his education options. They are not obliged to do so, as I told yangguo, but they did. Such kind intentions and thoughts are much and should be appreciated (not to be taken for granted).


Sister Rue never failed to cheer me up with her flowers. It was through her mother-in-law that I was guided to seek medical help in SGH and got to meet my surgical onco. Aunt Tan always hugs me whenever she sees me in church and would speak gentle words of encouragement. It must also be mentioned she and sister Rue would visit me occasionally.


Ah! How can I ever reciprocate such kind gestures? Not that they are seeking any form of gratitude. All the sweet people I get to know and meet have certainly made my journey a more bearable and memorable one. And certainly one of gratitude and thanksgivings.

My Support Groups

my support groups =) (edited, finally)

[10 Oct 2006, 09:06:16 PM]

There is an African saying which says, it takes a whole village to discipline a child. In my case, it takes a whole "kampong" to nurse me. As I have said in my earlier entries, my blog would not be complete without entries about my support groups, the group of people who have journeyed and are still walking with me through this dark valley.


If my blog is only about my illness, I think, after a while, people will get bored reading it. Haha... Let's see... there are several "support" groups who are in this battle with me. In no particular order of importance or preference or whatever, they are *drums roll*:
(1) churchies,
(2) breakfast "kakees" and sweet neighbours,
(3) online friends who are now real life friends (*muacks*) (I call them young youth group),
(4) long time, life long secondary school friends (also prayer buddies, co-group),

(5) ex colleagues and their significant other halves and family members,
(6) good friend, Estella and her cell group members who are praying for me too,
(7) "Shuai Ge"'s support group which includes colleagues, ex colleagues and friends,
(8) SSN Tan and counsellor Eng,
(9) besties, Joyce, Lyn and Fiona,
(10) moblog community,
(11) other friends not in any of the above groups and
(12) families.


Wow! I didn't realise so many groups till I actually counted. How blessed I am indeed to be surrounded with so much love, care, concern and encouragement. ^________^


I think I shall begin with my co-group, my secondary school classmates. If you have been reading my blog, they need no introduction, not much anyway. Our friendship dated wayyyyyyy back... even longer than the ages of some of the young youths. (now, now, stop counting how old I am... =X)


The seven of us (me, Anne, SC, SK, TA, Nanz and CM) were in the same faculty in NUS. Included in this group is A who lives in KL, Malaysia. SK has literally dropped out of the communications loop. Nanz is now an American citizen and she keeps in contact with her occasional emails.


Despite their busy schedules and commitments, they still make an effort to keep updates on my progress and well-being. They are also my prayer buddies, something we all learn to do since secondary school days. Our recent gathering was last Saturday, organised by sweet Anne.


I was baptised last year on Labour Day. All of them (except Nanz who was in the States) turned up, including our ex BS leader, KOH and his wife. A flew down from KL and booked herself into a hotel for the sole purpose of witnessing my baptism ceremony (at her own expense). I was so touched. It was certainly nice to see everyone that day, especially KOH who hadn't seen us in years!


What's so special about this group is that we have been such long time friends that it is easy to pick up from where we left off. And we understand each other in an amazing way that I can't really put it into words. We have long done the acceptance part. We are unique, special, asserting individuals and yet we harmonise as a group. I reckon I am indeed blessed and fortunate to have this group of friends whose support I can always count on, come what may. If I have a glass of champagne, I would like to toast to our bonding and friendship which have withstood the test of time.


Edited:
After I did this entry, I was reminiscing how long our friendship is. SC and I were classmates since primary school, so I knew her much longer than the rest. SK was from another sec 3 class, but we knew each other when we met in KOH's BS class. Both of us went into the honours year programme. (She being the smartest of us all, got a first class honours.) A was our sec 3 classmate but she left for England the following year. Somehow we kept in touch all these years, even now when she is living in KL. I remembered looking her up whenever I was on business trips to KL many years ago. TA went to a different jc from us but we were all reunited in NUS when we pursued the same course. We literally grew up and age together. HAHAHA


Our friendship is special. We don't always meet up with each other. Or should I say we hardly meet. It was only after Nanz migrated to the States that I organised our annual gathering upon her return. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was hesistant in telling them. SH convinced me otherwise as I would need all the support I could get. I only called TA and Anne and the two helped inform the rest. Since then they have been praying for me. Our friendship cultivated during our younger days (speak as though I am very old =X) needs no words or frequent meetings. We have long accepted each other's peculiarities, individualities and uniqueness. We can always pick up from where we left off.


There was a stage where I could not comprehend and accept the distances and infrequent gatherings. A enlightened me with her thoughts; we have all moved on and our circle of friends have widened too. Perhaps my chio-est zmr, MonkeyCrab said it best in her "He asked me and I replied" entry (yes, yes, I know, it's THAT FAVOURITE ENTRY OF MINE AGAIN.. heehee). So now, when I send prayer requests via sms-es, I trust and believe these sisters-in-Christ will pray for my well-being. Trust, sincerity, honesty and acceptance are some attributes of a true friendship. True friendship is what I am proud I have found in these sisters.

(edited on 17 Oct, 2.16 pm)

The beginning, year 2004 (part 3)

(operation, operating, operated)

Everyone was surprised how fast I was scheduled to have an operation on Wednesday. I had a CT scan done to check the possible affected areas. The plucky good-humoured Malay nurse was really nice. She kept my food for me whilst I had my scan done. She even encouraged me, telling me what she went through during her kidney transplant for her son. The CT scan was nothing compared to hers.


Being the vain me, I had wanted to go out and get my hair done at a salon. However, the Malay nurse advised me against it. I had to abandon the thought. I did ask around for my options of administering painkillers. One sweet nurse told me of this machine whereby I could have morphine intravenously. And I made sure the doctors or nurses who drew blood or plugged in the needles would do it in one attempt. There was this surgeon who was quite good-looking and he was really overworked. When I asked him about the morphine machine, he wondered how I knew.

I had to fast for my operation and not even allowed to drink. I saw the patient opposite my bed being asked to move herself onto the bed after her operation. She was groaning in pain when she moved. I got abit worried. But the orderlies and nurses assured me I was light enough to be carried. (*LOL*) Both Dr Yu and Dr Wong came to my ward everyday without fail. There was a little episode between Shuai Ge and an elderly nurse. Anyway, I was pushed into the waiting room before entering the operating theatre.

The whole operation took less than an hour but the whole process was very long. I didn't know how long Shuai Ge and SH (yes, he came too) waited but I was told more than a few hours. Enough for them to imagine the worst possible. When Dr Yu gave them the thumbs up, they heaved a sigh of relief. When I came to after the operation, the pain was excruciating, even for someone who professed to have a high threshold of pain. I was literally groaning, "Pain, pain," and was pressing the morphine machine non-stop.


I could remember seeing my brother and V in their working clothes. They left after seeing me to my ward. Shuai Ge kept his promise to me. I don't know how he did it, but he managed to stay by my side till 1 am till the nurse "discovered" him and requested he stay at the waiting area. By God's grace, and I don't know why, Shuai Ge's brother came in the wee hours and sent Shuai Ge home (he happened to call Shuai Ge when Shuai Ge was about to hail a cab home). I was feeling both hungry and thirsty, but Shuai Ge could only dab my lips with moist tissues. The night nurse, Hazel, was very attentive and understanding. She came in once a while to moisten my chapped dry lips.

Many friends came. My mother and another brother dropped by too. Wendy came during lunch hours and she massaged my aching back. I told myself whatever was required of me to do to recover and be discharged, I would do them. And I did. Dr Wong was surprised I didn't use so much morphine to ease my pain. I told her the pain was bearable and I didn't want to press unnecessarily.


Lying there on your back, not being able to move, or even if you tried but every move made you screeching in pain, was sheer torture. I think I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next two days after the operation. For the record, I had 26 staples for the "slit". Yeaps, twenty-six staples were holding my cut belly and the layers of skin under it. IT WAS PAINFUL!!! I was reduced to mere bones. 36 kg on my 5 ft frame.


I stayed in total eight days in the hospital. On the last day there, I was all alone in the ward. Those B2 bedders who were temporarily put at the ward got transferred. The nurses didn't transfer me. Infact I heard them saying, "Oh, this one good patient. Just let her stay." Pete and Anne came before I was leaving. I thanked all the nurses who were still around before heading home.


With that, it marked the beginning of my next challenging path to battle this chronic sickness. As I look back now, I am felt with gratitude to those who had helped me one way or other, big or small. It was difficult for someone who had always been independent to suddenly become so dependent on everyone. And for so many who were and still are willing to render their help in whatever they could and can, I offer you my sincerest and heartfelt thanks and gratitude. I couldn't have sailed through it and come this far without you guys. THANKS A ZILLION!!!

The beginning, year 2004 (part 2)

The battle had just began.

After a sleepless night, I checked in at the hospital. I requested to be warded under B2 (cheaper because I wasn't insured, argh! another sob story) but there were no beds available. The admission staff eventually put me in the B1 ward till there were vacant beds.


I still believed God's divine hands were on me. It was in this ward that I met Chin, who happened to be suffering from the same illness, except hers had metastasised to the skin membrane. It was touching to see "Shuai ge"'s friends rallying round him, giving him lots of moral support and encouragement. They stayed with him for as long as they could.


Joyce heard of what happened. She was concerned for the musketeers and ordered pizzas for them. How thoughtful of her and I was grateful. (She and Lyn came on Sunday.) SH wondered if I informed any of my friends. I didn't. He felt that I should. I would need all the support I could garner. He set me pondering.

There were some tests and scans to be done. Dr Yu sent her assistant to examine me. She was a sweet and gentle doctor. As SGH is a teaching hospital, there were some more interns and doctors who came. When the second group came, I was kinda irritated when one of them wanted to examine me. I cheekily replied, "Oh, I was already touched just now. They couldn't find anything." HAHA


The day passed by slowly. It was strange, during the day I had no time, no moments to be feeling lonely. However, when evening fell and after all the visitors had left, I had the time to delve into issues which I was trying to avoid. I brought a notebook to the hospital so that I could pen my thoughts in it. Thinking of my three beloved musketeers, I could no longer hold back the tears with which my sadness, despair, apprehension and helplessness held. I thought of how unfair it was for me and for them if I were to leave them just like that. As I was penning down my thoughts and what I wanted to say to them, the tears just soaked the pages.


Somehow I remembered one of our favourite Bible verses in secondary school during KOH's teachings, Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I knew God was calling me back, for I had backslided long enough. I only knew I could trust Him to help me through this ordeal and He wouldn't just let it happen without sending forth angels to assist and guide me. I continued to pray for strength, courage and faith to be able to go through whatever that might come my way. (I later found blessings through my sickness =D)

It was a quiet Sunday. I had the opportunity to talk to Chin whom I believed God had arranged to be in the same ward and the bed next to mine. She encouraged me. Through her, I got to know my counselor, Eng.


Did I tell you why I still hadn't told any of my friends I was hospitalised for cancer? It was pride and humiliation. Me, the one with the knowledge of health and nutrition, the one who was very careful of her diet, who ate mainly fish (steamed), vegetables and fruits (those high in anti-oxidants and anti-cancer), who would log her diet.... I felt so humiliated to be inflicted with this illness. However, I reflected and repented. I responded to SH's suggestion of informing my friends. The first person I called was Anne C. She was shocked, needless to say. Then I informed TA.


TA and P came to visit me, like less than half an hour later. TA hugged me when she saw me. She was unconsolable when she asked repeatedly, "Why? Why you?" Alas, two of us were weeping together. When she was finally calmer, I told her how I discovered I was ill and told her to go for checkup and buy insurance. I found out later she went on to inform KOH, Nanz (who was in the States) and the rest of the group. Yes, my prayer buddies and prayer warriors. Choo and Anne came to see me too on Monday while Annie T (she stays in KL) called me on the cell phone.


I had more visitors on Monday and Tuesday, some were "Shuai ge"'s colleagues and ex-colleagues whom I came to know as well. My beloved breakfast "kakees" aka neighbours came too. Jen couldn't sleep the night she learnt of the news. She was emotionally disturbed and visibly upset. Janet was in shock and disbelief. Even the preacher from SH's church (we hadn't attended church yet) came to pray for me. My ex neighbours (whom we bought insurances from.. long story) came too. "Shuai ge" informed my ex colleagues. The baskets hanging in the balcony were reminders of everyone's well wishes.

I think I sent the alarm bells ringing. The ladies told me they made appointments for detailed checkup, especially the cancer markers. Perhaps I had taken such simple things for granted. Oh, I haven't told you what I am battling. I have ovarian cancer, stage 3C, survivor rate of 25%. My cancer marker CA125 read 3200, when the normal range is 0-35. The scan had shown my ovaries to be the size of my fist. Yups, scary! And the cells had spread to part of my rectum. The sad thing was the symptoms were often not so clear cut. And when it is detected, it is often at a late stage or it has metastasised.


My oncologist, Dr L Wong, had scheduled me for an operation on Wednesday. It was considered very fast given that you would need to wait for availability of operating suites and the notion that things move alot slower in public hospitals. I was indeed blessed.


The nurses in the ward were mostly pleasant and I blogged about these angels before. Let me refer to my notebook and quote part of my thoughts.


"It is only when things happen that you realise what should be done early should be done; what ought to be done must be done; what can be done today shouldn't be put off till tomorrow. Procrastination is a terrible thing and you always realise it when it's too late." "As for me, I will fight on. I promise Shuai Ge I won't give up so easily. God won't give up on me and I won't give up on myself!" "Spoke to the patient next to me. She has ovarian cancer which has now spread to the colon. She told me to stay positive and don't give up. She was given only two years. That was five years ago. Great! That boosts my spirit. She says support group is important. Loving yourself is also important." "Still, it is a fact now (that I have this dreadful illness). No point trying to deny (it). The point and most important thing is to keep a fighting spirit and be very, very strong. I've always been strong. I have always been a fighter. I have God with me to fight any war/battle."


It has been two years. To all my angels, friends and beloved ones, thank you for walking with me. Thank you for being there for me, for your wonderful support, for sharing with me my most difficult moments, for your undying love and prayers, and mostly for just being you.


Happy 2nd anniversary to myself.. and many more! =P

The beginning, year 2004 (part 1)

Taken from my previous blog, written on 25 June 2006


Before I tell you how I discovered I was sick, let me just say why I have decided to blog about it. I realised the usefulness of blogging how I felt and coped with this illness to those who might one way or other be "connected" to it. Thanks to a very special friend who brought my attention to a fellow blogger's website who was in a similar situation as I. Although she didn't pull through, she certainly encouraged me by her fighting spirit and entries. I hope to do the same with mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June holidays could never be the same for me. On the Monday of the third week, two years ago, I went to consult my GP for this nagging pain in the abdomen which never seemed to go away. She arranged for an ultrasound scan at a lab. I did the scan on Thursday, but the radiologist wasn't around at that time. I returned the next day and when I asked her about the scan, all she said was,"Go talk to your doctor. Long-term care is more important now."


Seriously, I had no idea what was going on. It was God's will that my GP was on leave that day. (She never went on leave on a Friday.) "Shuai ge" was very worried about the report. In my mind I thought it was only a cyst or fibroid, nothing as serious as a terminal illness. "Shuai ge" and I went to consult my gynae, who still charged me for an ultrasound scan when I already had the film. She told me things did not look right and it was most probable cancer. She is not an expert in this field, but would be able to get things done faster if I engaged her as my main doctor.


Our world just collapsed upon that. We were still in a daze when we were out from the clinic at Mount Elizabeth. "Shuai ge" was in tears and devastated. My first thought was, "Oh, no. Time to go back to God." We contemplated on my gynae's offer. The strange thing was I didn't cry. I just took it in my stride. It did shock me. My concern was to get myself cured. Fortunately "Shuai ge" called SH who in turn informed KY and KH. The trio rushed down to meet us at Mt E. SH made a few inquiries as to which would be the best avenue for me. Thank God he did. It was later that we learnt the first step in which we took could either make or break us.


SH accompanied us to SGH to seek another gynae, Dr Yu. As we didn't make any prior appointment, it was almost impossible to consult her. Moreover, her earliest possible time slot was a fortnight later as she had a seminar the following week. The admission staff saw our desperation and told us to seek help from the nurse. We approached Dr Yu's nurse and passed her the scan negatives to show Dr Yu, and we were granted an impromptu appointment. It was also not Dr Yu's area of specialisation. However, she referred us to her fellow colleague, Dr Wong. Dr Yu assured us she would continue to follow up in the hospital.


She wanted me to be hospitalised immediately. I told her I wasn't prepared psychologically and would only do so the following day. The admission nurse briefed me on the procedures. We went home heavy hearted. You could imagine the long night we had. I couldn't sleep. We didn't know the severity or the seriousness of the illness yet. I was in acute pain that night and couldn't sleep. I prayed, asking God to be my pillar of strength.


The long battle had merely just began for me.