Meek Mill is piss weak

If you're on probation, and have to submit urine samples to convince the court you're keeping to the terms of that probation, handing over cold water instead of piss is probably a stupid idea.

Didn't stop Meek Mill doing it though:

Mill failed check into court every 60 days to have his travel approved, while a urine sample he submitted was in fact reported to be cold water, although Mill says he did not tamper with it.

Yeah. Taking it straight from the tap doesn't make it any better, Meek. The judge isn't annoyed that she thought you'd put it through a Britta Filter.

Gordon in the morning: Piss weak

What's going on here?

Yes, that's Gordon Smart and Alex James pretending to wee.

Why, though?

In God's name why?

Blur's Alex James lets it all out in the bogs ...for a TV show

For a TV show? Really?

Erm, no. It's for a web video. Tell us more, Gordon.

OVER the years I’ve heard some great stories from readers and rock stars alike about the most famous people they’ve stood beside at a urinal.

Really? I've heard a lot of stories like that, but they always are "I was having a pee, and next to me was Captain out of Captain And Tennille." I don't think I've ever heard any story that goes much beyond that. But carry on.

So an online rock’n’roll TV show has started chronicling those tales in a segment called Slash Gordon.

Oh, really?

Check out the new This Feeling, in association with Guinness, on The Sun’s website from 1pm today to see BLUR’s ALEX JAMES telling his story to me in the bogs.

Really? Guinness are sponsoring a thing about pissing? Did they think through how that's going to help their brand values?

Still, congratulations to Gordon for coming up with a segment that actually manages to exclude the possibility of women taking part by design. It's almost like it's a forum for hoary rock cliches.

Up-and-coming rock star EUGENE McGUINNESS and THE VIEW also compete to see who can throw a TV out a window the furthest. It’s the rock version of Top Gear’s Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.

Yes, hoary old cliches.

Beth Ditto: Spokesperson for a generation, when she gets her head out the bucket

I've tried reading this from ContactMusic a dozen times, and still can't understand how anyone thinks it is a sequitur:

The Gossip frontwoman admitted while she has grown up in many ways over the past few years, she hasn't become any more respectable.

She said: "I got drunk and simultaneously puked and pissed my own pants recently.

"If anything I have more opinions now because I'm not a kid anymore and I know what I'm talking about. I just think about things a lot more now."

No matter how many your opinions are, nor what quality they might be, if you're sat in a pool of vomit and urine, you might find it difficult to get people to take you seriously, Beth.

Antony Costa gets cock out in public

There are two remarkable things about the Sunday Mirror's photos of Antony Costa pissing over a cash machine.

The first is that he appears to be using a cash machine at all, which makes you wonder where he's getting money - had he picked up a couple of shifts over Christmas as some sort of elf at grotto?

Secondly: he's drawing out cash, pissing over his own feet and yakking on a mobile phone, all at once. Which really does show those of us who believed him barely capable of doing one thing at a time were totally wrong.

Still: handy to remember if you ever meet him - the UK's great Eurovision hope is more than likely to have piss on his shoes. Class.

NOFX: Taking the piss

Charming. NoFX's Fat Mike Burkett marked SXSW by pissing into a tequila bottle and offering fans a drink:

He tells TMZ.com, "I confirmed that urine was not classified as a biohazard waste and not subject to the risks of legal ramifications of blood, semen, or faeces."

Oh, that's alright then.

There are, naturally, some people who would probably pay to drink their favourite star's wee; a few who might even object to having it adulterated with tequila. But - legal or not - this is a bit disappointingly frat boy.

One thing to note: Mike was doing a solo set, which means he was in his Cokie clown persona. I guess if you accept gifts off men dressed as clowns, you should expect what you get.

Britney Spears takes a rest break

Sky News: Is woman uses a toilet really a news story? Even if it's Britney Spears, and it's a public toilet?

The singer was caught short (numbers one or two, we are not clear on) while out and about in Calabasas, California.

The worry is that they probably have got Adam Boulton trying to clarify if passers-by heard a splish or a splosh.

Sky's attempts to try and find a news angle results in this bizarre sentence:

Britney Spears has still not learnt to tap into her bladder.

Eh? What does that even mean? Are they suggesting that she should be using a catheter?

Mariah doesn't like an audience

Women who had blamelessly doing what it is that women do backstage at the VH1 Music Cares event were surprised to be approached by bouncers keen for them to leave:

Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: "One of the bodyguards said to us, 'If you're going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.'

If Mariah really wanted privacy so badly, though, could she not have just closed the cubicle door?