Parachute Men weekend: Every Other Thursday

A surprisingly beautiful hymn to the rhythm imposed on life by the fortnightly giro cheque:



[Part of The Parachute Men weekend]

Awful concepts for TV programmes: Meg On The Dole

Can you imagine a crazy world in which Meg Matthews had no job?

Actually, yes, because she's not really ever had a job, has she? So the stretch for BBC One's Famous, Rich And Jobless isn't so very great.

The programme is one of those well-meaning but fundamentally flawed programmes which take rich people and ask them to play at being poor for a few days. It's like saying "close your eyes to find out what being blind is like"; a programme which told some of the long-term unemployed that there's going to be car coming at the end of the week to take them off to a life of never having to worry about cash again. I'm sure even the second generation unemployed could mumble to sort of platitudes that Meg and co will come up with.

In fact, Meg has given the Sunday Mirror a preview of what those platitudes will be:

"This was one of the most challenging things I have ever done and made me realise a lot about life," said Meg, 43, who is now an interior designer and engaged to art professor Peter Siddell, 49. "I know I am privileged. I can give my daughter a good upbringing and I don't have the worries a lot of people have.

"I have never taken anything for granted, but now if I look in the mirror and think 'does my bum look fat?' I realise how shallow it seems."

The unemployed, you see, are too busy being unemployed to give a hoot how they look. You'd never see someone living on benefits feeling like they might be out of shape. Caring about not being fat is a rich person's privilege.

Meg says: "Unemployed people are not lazy, sitting round on their arses. Being jobless affects your self-esteem and you have to find a way to carry on."

Having a woman who... what is it you do for a living again, Meg?... having a woman who does that pat you on your head. That'll do wonders for your self-esteem.

If only all the unemployed could be kept as adoring pets for Meg Matthews, eh?

"I have been through the whole rehab thing, for depression," she admits. "I can understand how some people who have not got a job can get drawn into that cycle. You find things to fill the void, be it drink or drugs. I had seven years with Brit Pop, seven years with Noel, the sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll.

"When I hit 40 I went into a depression. I had the massive house, the Porsche, great clothes, but I didn't have someone to hug. I'd give it all away to have that relationship."

Mmm. You'd be surprised how many people living in Anfield have tried to the fill the void of only getting a few million in the divorce settlement by boozing, and then nipping off to rehab for an I Feel Sad holiday. Happened all the time.

Meg says her time on the show has made her change the way she lives. She has slashed her weekly supermarket bill, and adds: "We go round turning off lights and don't waste water."

Pssst... Meg, that's meant to be your 'it's changed my life' smugline for 'Famous And Trapped On A Melting Glacier: Celebrities live the climate change life of a polar bear'.

Mini Liveblog: Morrissey on The One Show

Morrissey has turned up on The One Show. Good lord, he's pimping this album, isn't he? He's trying to look serious as they mop up a "unemployed? why not try the Job centre" piece.

The One Show team are stressing there's no shame in going to the Job Centre. "Dignified, for want of a better word." The consensus seems to be that blue collar people needed to be treated badly.

Mozzer reminisces about being unemployed - "I was happy, I didn't want to have a job. These days, it gets you into trouble."

Adrian Chiles suggests we should sympathise with white collar workers coming to grips with the loss of success. "Therefore, why sympathise with them?"

Moz's idea for the newly unemployed? "Why not just paint"?

7.10
They're now playing a montage of famous people (and Jeremy Vine) explaining why they loved The Smiths. One of the shouty Masterchef blokes is thrilled that he doesn't "even iron his shirt" and Frank Skinner trots out the "some of his lyrics are very funny." Yes, they are, aren't they?

David Cameron pops up - "I'm sure when Morrissey finds out he's getting an endorsement from the leader of the Conservative party, he'll think 'heaven knows, I'm miserable now'". Do you see what he did?

Morrissey pretends to not have realised the fans had been talking about him. "Is it me?"

"I get the sense that people [my fans] are there for life."

"I don't know about enjoying it, I just carry on..."

There's a clip of the video - "I don't do what I'm told, but I let someone hammer the storyboard together."

On songwriting: "I've been on the line for years. Does it get easier or harder? It remains the same."

How do you describe yourself? "I don't... let's go back to unemployment."

"We're going on to architectural history" says Adrian.
"That's why I'm here" joshes the Mozz.

7.15
They've just watched a film about the olden days in Birmingham, and now they're showing Morrissey's old house.

"We occupied four houses - we were the clan who ruled the place."
Chiles: Were they knocked through like the Beatles in Help?
Morrissey wafts him away, before going on to name the Blows, the rough family at the end of the street. Adrian invites them to get in touch if they want to counter Morrissey's memories of them.

"It was a very hard place, it shaped me" - and Morrissey had to be up at four in the morning to go down the pit.

7.20
The bloke with the beard off What The Ancients Did For Us is showing us how amazing our bodies are, what with drummers being able to do different things at the same time. Bloody hell, is he claiming that drummers are some sort of master race?

7.25
Morrissey pointedly not joining in the 'put your right leg over your left leg and draw a circle with your toe' fun.

"I could do both. If there was time."

Bloke with beard offers advice for blocked noses. Morrissey looks alarmed.

Now he's starting to look pained.

Plug for the new album - "where did you get that little kid from?" asks Adrian. "He belongs to a friend of mine..."