Gordon in the morning: When Kanye goes west

Gordon brings us this morning the dreams of Kanye West:

"I was thinking about my funeral a couple of days ago."

That happens when you watch Countdown and the advert with Michael Parkinson talking about assurance pops up, Kanye.

"The people I want to be there are like world leaders."

If it helps, Merkel and Sarkozy have said they can make next Tuesday, providing it's an open casket.

Why would Kanye expect world leaders to congregate at his wake?

"Ones that say, 'Kanye gave me my first shot, he told me to believe in myself'.

"I want to affect people like that if I pass away."

Oh, bless. He's confusing Pusha T with a world leader.

Still, after the Katrina telethon he might get George Bush along for a spot of grave-top jigging.

Kanye, as you'll already have spotted, has something of a set of tickets on himself. In a totally humble way:

"When the lightbulb was invented it wasn't to stop a war.

"I'm not saying what I'm doing is the most important thing that's happening on the planet.

"But it's necessary. Just like one teacher teaching in a class."

The late Miles Kington used to create Albanian Proverbs - phrases which sounded profound at first, but turned out to be meaningless when you thought about them. Nice to see Kanye keeping the flame alive with "the lightbulb wasn't invented to stop a war".

I guess we should just be delighted that he's enough humility to accept that "making increasingly disappointing songs" isn't - quite - the "most important thing that's happening on the planet."

If Kanye believes he's like one teacher teaching a class, what specific teacher would be at his level of "necessary"? I'd suggest he's somewhere around a supply teacher covering an RE class for a group of year three pupils during a flu crisis that means most of the kids haven't turned up. Although that might still be overstating it a bit.

Albarn bars Glee

Damon Albarn hasn't been asked to let Gorillaz tracks be used on Glee, but he's busily telling everyone he wouldn't let the programme use them even if they did turn up. Even if they begged:

"We wouldn't let that happen," Albarn said in an interview with The Associated Press last week.

"And not that they've asked us because they haven't, and now they definitely won't," he continued with a laugh.

There's something incredibly self-regarding about telling everyone that you wouldn't take up an offer than hasn't been made - it's like a teenager going 'yeah, and even if he did ask me out I'd say no, and he probably hasn't even asked because he KNOWS I'd say no'.

Other bands with Gorillaz pedigree - including The Archies, and Animal Kwackers - have also indicated they wouldn't let their art be polluted by a Glee adaptation.

Man swaps job for a similar job

I don't think a set of calipers have yet been made which open wide enough to measure the self-regard oozing out of Simon Cowell's words of comfort for America as he quits American Factor to launch X Idol:

"We did talk about me staying on both shows but when we looked at the practicalities of that, it was impossible," Cowell told the press. "In my opinion, it's like having a good player and a good football team. The two have to be OK together. I believe it's not my show, but it's still very close to me. We made sure when we did this, that I would be protected. I'm confident it will continue to be the #1 show. Everyone is committed to keeping it that way

They did toy with the idea of having a cardboard cut-out version of Cowell on American Idol, barking out prescripted, pre-recorded insults but that just sounded like a punchline.

U2's new pop video isn't a pop video

There was an interesting post on the Creative Review blog about a pop video U2 have made which they were insisting wasn't a pop video:

Deluxe editions of U2’s new album, No Line On The Horizon are accompanied by Linear, a specially commissioned film by Anton Corbijn. “It is not an extended music video or a U2 documentary, it’s a new way to listen to a record - a new way to use film to connect to music,” claims Corbijn.

The idea is that, as many people will be listening to the album on a computer or MP3 player with video screen, they can choose to listen and watch the film at the same time.

So it's a pop video you have to synch yourself.

But, hang on, no... it's not a pop video. No, no, because you don't have to look at it:

The idea of the companion film was apparently developed during the making of the album. “The thinking is that as a lot of people buy music from the internet and are likely to hear this on a computer or mp3 player, their listening pleasure could be heightened by visuals. It is not essential to the record - you can either watch it or ignore it,” says Corbijn.

Whereas, of course, it's imposssible to listen to Steps 5,6,7,8 without having the visuals in front of you. You simply can't do it.

And, it turns out, it's a blog you'll have to imagine, as it's fallen off the Creative Review blog. Wonder why.

Actor Billy Bob Thornton takes his self-importance to the public

Having made a holy show of himself on Canadian radio, actor-turned-don't-call-him-actor Billy Bob Thornton has now started to make himself look stupid in front of a paying audience, too.

Thornton kicked off by referencing the coverage of his tiresome interview:

"It seems as if when I say something it's in the news," Thornton told the crowd, according to the Toronto Star.

Actually, not in "the news", Bobby Bill, but it does seem when you say something it turns up on the self-importance round-up.

The fans weren't all that impressed, and started booing.

Thornton replied, "Boo all you want, but I want to say something — we're really happy to be here, but I need to say something. I talked to this asshole yesterday."

To? Or out of?

Thornton went on to explain that the radio show's producers had promised not to make any references to his acting career.

But why? In God's name, why? It's like having Socrates on and him insisting that no reference be made to his philosophy. Well, not Socrates. Who would be the philosophical equivalent of Bobby's acting? Pa Boswell from Bread, probably.

"I don't really like sensationalism," he told the crowd at Massey Hall. "If you look someone in the eyes and promise them something, and you don't do it, you don't get the interview. That's the way it goes."

It's not really "sensationalism" to mention that you're an actor, though. It's surely a known fact?

The audience - who were really there for Willie Nelson - were having none of it:

Thornton's explanation did not satisfy the audience, and they began jeering, "Here comes the gravy," a reference to Thornton's description of Canadian audiences during the CBC interview as "mashed potatoes with no gravy."

Billy Bob Thornton is an actor.

Sometimes, Mengele would make the prisoners do an extra hour in the spa

Billy Joel realises that comparing a brief spell in a luxury clinic getting treated for drinking too much with being shipped off to a Nazi death camp might be a bit much:

"I hated it. It was like a concentration camp - well, I can't say that, I've never been in a concentration camp. But for me, it was.

Briefly, he realised it was a facile and offensive comparison. But then decided to go with it anyway.

"There's a lot of dogma that goes with it, and there's the whole AA thing, and for a lot of people that works. I didn't necessarily follow that."

Yes, that does sound a lot like being separated from your family, starved, getting experimented upon, being shuffled into a room and getting slowly gassed to death. Presumably someone removed Joel's sense of perspective with a pair of pliers.

Wentz: harassaled by the fuzz

Hey, The Man - if that's really your name - why do you keep hassling Pete Wentz?

Oh, it turns out that it's because he draws attention to himself:

"I think I get profiled... because I drive a car that has black windows on it and it must look like I'm just doing bad things.

"My assistant got pulled over and they decided to make us roll down all the windows and we asked if we could drive to the studio and go behind a gated area because there's no law to stop the paparazzi from taking pictures as close as they want."

Really, Wentz? You think that driving around in a big car that, effectively, has the words "I'm probably up to no good" painted all over it.

It's amusing to see that Wenzt feels he's being "profiled" - we're sure the Muslims who get pulled over for extra security screening at the TSA will share your pain, Pete. It's not being profiled. It's being thought of as acting suspiciously because you're doing something which looks suspicious.

What a pity nobody thought to record the reaction of the cops when Wentz asked if they could drive somewhere else to investigate what he was up to. "Why, yes, sir, since we think you might be indulging in criminal or possibly even terrorist activities, we'll be more than happy to allow you to drive off on the promise that we can rendezvous elsewhere..."

It's a splendid view of where Wentz holds himself that he believes he should be allowed special treatment on account of the possibility of photographers behaving in a way that he admits isn't breaking any laws. "If you're not going to change the law, I must be given extra rights to compensate." Does anyone else think he might find himself getting pulled over a lot more frequently in the future?