Gordon in the morning: Did he mention the JLS condoms?

There's some not-entirely-believable story about Ortise running out of condoms and having to rush out to get some more this morning. It's one part a chance for Gordon to imagine Ortise having sex to six parts a push for Durex.

Let's hope the JLS condoms aren't as thin as the disguise on this advert.

Oritse said: "I never get embarrassed about using condoms or buying them, no way. It's part of the movement.

"I'm not going to get caught out. I'm an avid believer of no glove, no love."

The management have tried to explain to him that it's not actually necessary if all you've taken back to your room are photos of Kelly Brook in Playboy downloaded off the internet, but Ortise can't be sure where his hand has been.

JLS want to wrap up your penis

Oh, god. It turns out that the much-talked-up JLS condom range has turned into an actual product:

And not only do the four different packs of extra safe condoms feature each band member's individual colour, they also are branded with the boys' faces.

Having Marvin JLS peering out at you is going to ensure safer sex - who's going to be able to maintain an erection under those conditions?

You can hear the grinding of PR strategists trying to market a product for the sexually active using a band whose fans tends towards the prepubescent:

Marvin, who is dating The Saturdays star Rochelle Wiseman, added: 'We came up with the idea of Just Love Safe as we wanted to send a clear message out to fans that are over 16 and sexually active - and that is to always use a condom during sex.'

It's not clear if Marvin thinks that fans under the age of 16 shouldn't use a condom, or if you don't need to worry about it if you can't stand the band.

Nor why, if they're that bothered, they're flogging condoms and taking a licensing fee rather than, say, giving condoms away for free at their gigs.

Don't get me wrong, anything that stops JLS fans from creating a new generation has to be a good thing. But I can't help feeling that if you're the sort of person who buys condoms because they've got JLS on, you might want to ask if you're quite mature enough to be making decisions about sex in the first place.

Gordon in the morning: Covering JLS

Gordon has forgotten his main purpose of late - that of running huge, pointless pieces about JLS. The JLS management team have sent their coathangers round to remind Gordon of his duty, and are rewarded with a piece which, once again, has Gordon posing for awkward pictures with the band and running a clanking story which focuses on the sheer amount of sex they have and that:

Aston said: "It's all about staying safe. We all think so. My mum sends me down a stash and I dish them out to the lads so none of us have to worry.

"I'd really be up for doing some kind of campaign about safe sex."

The boys even came up with a name for their contraceptive line - Just Love Safe.

Brilliant.

Yes, brilliant. They've managed to come up with three words starting with specific letters. Truly, they are the Dorothy Parkers of our age.

JLS condoms, eh? The ones you choose if you're really only going to fill them with water and lob them about a bit.

There's also this slightly odd bit:

I GAVE the JLS lads an exclusive listen to The Sun's Helping Haiti charity song and they got a wee bit emotional.

A journalist gave a group of singers an "exclusive" listen to their own song?

It is worth looking at the page for the photo of the band staring grimly at a computer, with this caption:

Solemn ... JLS lads listen to Sun's song for Haiti

Solemn. You don't mess about when you're listening to Simon Cowell being a humanitarian.

Mick Jagger has had sex with himself, effectively

MTV Brazil is encouraging safer sex by running an advertising campaign which seems to imply that whoever you have sex with will have had sex with Mick Jagger at some point, or words to that effect.

It's kind of like rock family trees, but with "shagged" replacing "drummed for version #3 of the band".

I'm not quite sure the chain manages to prove that all sex is, in effect, a circle jerk for Jagger - Eminem shagged Geri Halliwell? Johnny Thunders shagged the hole (sic) world? Something very odd about someone having sex with a tree that became the bed on which David Bowie shagged Mick Jagger?

The message is "always use condoms", although if you are going to have sex with a tree, be aware that condoms can't save you from splinters, even if they can help prevent unplanned saplings.

Gordon in the morning: Counting condoms

With the main showbiz business again being handled by Emily Smith this morning - an unlikely sounding report that Kevin Federline wants to "save" Britney from hanging out with a photographer - Gordon is reduced to rummaging around in Billy Zane's shopping. Apparently, Zane - who is currently holidaying with Kelly Brook - was spotted buying a box of 24 condoms:

Twenty-four? That means even if they’re on a three-week trip there’ll be a couple of days when they have to miss archery at 4pm beside the cocktail bar to use up the whole pack.

Unless, Gordon, Zane can manage it more than once a night. It's a possibility.

Elsewhere, Gordon has the exciting news that Atomic Kitten are covering Cilla Black, which is every bit as exciting as it was back in July 2007 when the project was announced.