A new weekend dawns for Radio 1

Yesterday, we were cutting through BHS to get to the other side of the mall, and out the corner of my eye I spotted a display using Reggie Yates to sell trousers.

I'm a little ashamed to say I laughed out loud.

One of the assistants looked a little crestfallen.

Clearly, this piece of negative reaction has set off a chain reaction, as less than 24 hours later the BBC has announced that Reggie Yates is leaving Radio One.

Yates is giving up his watch on The Chart Show, with Jameela Jamil being given the slot. For younger readers, "the chart show" is a programme where the records that manage to sell more than one or two copies in a week are celebrated.

Along with Yates, Vernon Kay is also leaving the network - it's astonishing to think that he was still there. I'm not entirely keen on the idea of Radio One adopting a quietus for any presenter who hits puberty, but the idea that you can simultaneously have your face on a board game box for sale in John Lewis and front a programme aimed at cutting edge younger listeners seemed the sort of idea that Bannister had wiped from the network.

Dan and Phil - who are "YouTube sensations" are being brought in for the request show. They might be good, but I'm struggling with the idea that 'good on YouTube' is synonymous with 'good at two hours of live radio'.

Taking over the mantle of the Sunday night Radio 1 Request show are YouTube sensations Dan and Phil who will have a brand new fully visualised show between 7-9pm, interacting with listeners and playing the music they want. This brand new show along with the last hour of the charts will make Sunday evenings a fully visual experience on Radio 1 from 6-9pm.

If it's a "fully visual" experience, isn't that a problem for people who choose to listen to radio on the radio?

One interesting point: Sara Cox is moving back to daytime to provide maternity cover for Fearne Cotton. She's been on Radio One for 13 years now, and is only a year younger than Chris Moyles. I think we should all toast her survival skills.

Glastonbury 2011: View from the sofa - Various bands

This year's BBC coverage from Glastonbury seems a little flat this year - the first slew of bands shown on BBC Three seemed to floating away, over the heads of the audience.

Two Door Cinema Club plugged away bravely but ineffectively, like a Public School headmaster trying to stop a fight in a borstal; Fleet Foxes could have been trapped in the old Whistle Test studio for all the sense of a live audience there was. Biffy Clyro at least worked up a bit of a sweat and a bit of audience reaction, but even then it was clear you'd have been much better off being there, and everyone would have been better off in a smaller venue with a back wall.

The stage that's working best on TV is the Introducing stage, mainly thanks to the cameras being right up the band's noses. Noah And The Whale have never looked more like two 11th Doctor cosplayers flanked by a pair of Jarvis Cockers, but they sounded great.

The BBC coverage is a mixed bag. First - at least so far - there's very little of the tedious films of "this is Jocasta's first Glastonbury, we gave her a camera" variety. That's a good thing.

Secondly, 6Music is doing brilliant work - although did I really hear it right that they're burning performances to CD and running them across the to the makeshift studio in order to play them out on air? Can that really be the case? Let's hope the CD burner keeps going, or else by the end of the weekend Shaun Keavney's going to have to stand in the front row with a Dictaphone in his outstretched arm.

The trouble with the swathes of 6Music coverage is that most of the presenters who you'd like to see on TV are busy or knackered - it was well past midnight before I spotted Lauren Laverne and Mark Radcliffe on-screen, for example. Which means BBC Three is being anchored by Fearne Cotton and Reggie Yates.

Now, it's possible to argue into the face of the Daily Mail that the number of BBC staff sent to Glastonbury is justified by it being one of the UK's premier cultural events. It's a bit harder to make that case when Fearne Cotton and Reggie Yates are given the job of anchoring the thing.

The studio - certainly for BBC Three - feels a bit distant from events, too. We've come a long way from the time when, by law, any coverage of Glastonbury had to be anchored from a studio containing hay bales, but it might have been nice if there'd been at least some sense of connection with the events being anchored.

Still, for all these quibbles, it's lovely to able to dip in and out of the festival. Thank you, BBC.

Glastonbury 2009: View from the sofa - Saturday night

The simplicity of Esser vocals don't really stand up to not being able to hear the music properly, like being perpetually in the position of a busy room falling quiet just as you say "... and so I had to hit him with the shovel", but, oh, you could eat Esser with a spoon. Of course, it was all shoved away in a corner of Press Red, but it makes it all feel a bit more special.

Florence And The Machine used to be hidden away, too, but look at this, this year - a 6Music pick, no less. Pity the set sounded a bit ropey and overwhelmed, and only really came alive with a Candi Staton cover at the end.

It's turned out to be impossible to avoid both Reggie Yates and Kasabian, so I finally wound up having to watch Reggie get Cerys Matthews in to keep him company in the hovering sky-studio. Matthews put her shoes on the table, which can cause bad luck, but I guess she figured that being interviewed by Reggie is probably one of those situations from which there is no down. Matthews, somewhat oddly, appeared to be wearing exactly the same blazer-and-no-trousers outfit that Edith Bowman was wearing on Friday evening. One presenter at a time is frugal, BBC, but making them share clothes is just going too far. Will Mark Radcliffe be waiting for Zane Lowe to finish with the trousers before he can go on to BBC2?

If, by the way, Mark Radcliffe seemed genuinely bemused by the idea of going on to do a programme without any Neil Young in, tonight he's going to be totally Jack Wooleyed, as it appears the BBC won't be able to show any of Bruce Springsteen's headline set at all.

Move on, Moyles

Ofcom has just published a page with advice on how to complain about broadcasting. They've illustrated it with a photo of Chris Moyles.

The regulator was also busy today posting a bumper edition of its complaints bulletin, which - once past objecting to a massive pile of sponsorship break bumpers - gets down to considering Moyles' birthday song for Will Young:

He then imitated Will Young by singing alternative versions of two of the singer’s well known singles: ‘Evergreen’ and ‘Leave Right Now’. During the imitation the presenter adopted an effeminate and high pitched voice.

When singing his alternative version of ‘Evergreen’, Chris Moyles broadcast the lyrics: “It’s my birthday, gonna wear my new dress tonight. And I smell nice. I’ve had a shower and I’ve shaved my legs. Going out later, might go to Nob-oooh for dinner.”

During the alternative version of ‘Leave Right Now’, Chris Moyles broadcast the lyrics: “Oooh Will Young here, mmmmh. I’m here, it’s Will’s birthday and as the years go by I get more very gay. When you saw me years ago you didn’t know, but now I’m the gayest fella you probably know. mmm I like to wear a silly hat, I get camper by the hour, oh would you look at the muck in here. I’m Will Young and I’m gay.”

The BBC - with a straight face - tried to insist that this wasn't a joke at the expense of Young's sexuality.

The Corporation did allow that, you know, maybe the comments were "unacceptable". Although this seems a bit confusing: if the 'jokes' weren't about his sexuality, what does the BBC think was unacceptable about them?

Ofcom decided this humour was not just unacceptable, but offensive as well; it pointed out this isn't the first time that it's upheld complaints about Chris Moyles.

It's sparked a piece by John Plunkett in MediaGuardian which first lambasts Moyles' humour, before changing tack and suggests that just maybe it's time for Moyles and some of his chums to step down from Radio One regardless of their record:

Moyles, 35, has presented the breakfast show since January 2004 and remains hugely popular with listeners. Jo Whiley, 43, joined Radio 1 in 1993 and has presented the lunchtime show since 1997. And don't even get me started on Westwood. Okay then, he's 51.

There are good DJs. And there are old DJs. And there are good, old DJs. But should they be on Radio 1?

Plunkett suggests its time for a Bannister-style Year Zero. And you'd think he might have a point, were he not suggesting this:

"Radio 1 chiefs are believed to be keen on rising star Reggie Yates," said the Sun. And if he wasn't co-hosting the chart show with Fearne Cotton, 25-year-old Yates might be able to get a word in edgeways.

A younger voice is already on its way, with weekend breakfast host Nick Grimshaw about to fill the weekday evening slot being vacated by Colin Murray - aged 32, if you must know - who is off to BBC Radio 5 Live.

Nick Grimshaw and Reggie Yates? Bloody hell, you'd be better off bringing back Adrian Juste and Steve Wright, wouldn't you?

High re-entry: TOTP bounces back

Presumably in order to head off being told to do so by a double-headed BBC Trust and Daily Mail beast, what remains of BBC management has reversed its earlier decision to not do a Christmas Top Of The Pops this year.

Indeed, they're even going to do one on New Year's Eve, too:

BBC One controller Jay Hunt said: "With shows on Christmas Day and New Year's Eve, Top of the Pops has never been bigger.

"The shows will form the centrepiece of a massive musical offering during the festive season that we hope viewers are really going to enjoy."

It's bigger than ever, although not if you include in your defintion of "ever" when it was on regularly each week in prime time and had a Christmas special.

There's supposedly been some sort of public outcry demanding the return of TOTP, although it's hard to imagine any sort of public outcry which would be satisfied by an announcement including the phrase:

"will be presented by Fearne Cotton and Reggie Yates"

It's not often you find yourself thinking "surely this is a job for Moyles, Whiley and Bowman", is it?

Darkness at 3AM: Worst. Headline. Ever. Again.

The Mirror really needs to think about how it publishes the 3AM content online, doesn't it? Somehow, it's managed to generate an article with the headline (and, indeed, only linking material) "Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates".

The team are also pushing the Becks not invited to Rooney wedding story that everyone else had a couple of days ago, and the ratings for Britney's How I Met Your Mother ratings, which were published on Thursday. Presumably the idea is that if you read the Mirror these days, you're not exactly going to be in the loop.

They even end the Britney piece:

Well Brit, you did it again.

Which besides being a lazy reference for a Britney Spears article, doesn't even sound like the song title and doesn't really make sense. When did she last add a couple of million viewers to sitcom audience?

Brits nominations sort of live

Oh, lord... did they really introduce ITV2's coverage of the 2008 Brits nominations with The Final Countdown? Really?

Here are Reggie and Kelly, then, trying to force some pizzazz into a second-tier event. But first: Editors.

We like Editors, but we can't work out if they're here because Coldplay are too grand, or because the Brits organisers believe they're an example of the Best British Music today (albeit not good enough for the Brits proper.)

After they're finished, Kelly trills "we've kept you waiting long enough", which suggests they're seen as ballast, padding out a few lists of band names just enough to make a programme fit for ITV2.

Nominations underway, then. First, Best British Group (wasn't this the sort of category you should build to?)

Kaiser Chiefs - who might have just about counted for last year's awards, but don't appear to have done anything memorable since;
Arctic Monkeys - who were, at least, slightly more visible than the Kaisers;
Girls Aloud - who should waltz this against the competition;
Editors - who at least turned up this evening; and
Take That - who advertised both Marks and Spencers and Morrisons. Simultaneously. Can't be trusted.

International male solo artist:

Kanye West - who might turn up if he's promised he'll win;
Rufus Wainwright - really? The international equivalent of Take That? Really?
Bruce Springsteen - now, he's the international male Take That
Michael Buble - snurkle! You're joking, right?
Timbaland - although he might have been voted for by people thinking he was the same as Justin Timberlake

British breakthrough

Kate Nash - funded by the Brits awards past so surely a conflict of interest, right?
Kalxons - didn't they breakthrough a while back?
Bat For Lashes - turning up here tonight, but not entirely sure the "breakthrough" really has happened yet?
Leona Lewis - well, popular, yes, but didn't her breakthrough come the Christmas before last?
Mika - broke through; disappeared instantly

"We're speeding through the show" says Reggie, as if they're in danger of running out of material before the first break.

Sadly they don't.

Oh, lord, there's a taped insert from Sharon Osbourne wishing "smelly Kelly" luck.

More noms:

British male solo artist

Mark Ronson - whose success is based on collaborating with other artists and isn't really solo in any sense
Newton Faulkner - a man who thinks a review calling him "the British Jack Johnson" is something to be proud of
Richard Hawley - every category has one great act who doesn't stand a horse's chance in a dog race
Jamie T - still yet to qualify for British breakthrough, though, hasn't he?
Mika - Perhaps it's a joke. Maybe they're joking

International album

Arcade Fire - Neon Bible - only slightly disappointing as a follow-up
Eagles - Long Road Out Of Eden - have yet to meet anyone in Britain who even knows this has been released, much less who cares
Kylie - X - but for the long, health-induced gap in her career, this would have been seen as her Madonna moment, where the magic has gone and all that is left is production and memories
Kings Of Leon - Because Of The Times - The junior Eagles
Foo Fighters - Echoes... - This will win, because everyone loves Dave Gorhl and wants to check he'll turn up

Female solo artist

Alicia Keys - Still going, apparently
Bjork - we know she's still going, she beat someone up in a airport to prove she's still alive
Rhianna - all one song
Feist - see Richard Hawley
Kylie - she was alright in Dcotor Who, wasn't she?

There's now some more business about the Osbournes; Kelly is revealing how "fun" it'll be because her parents can't speak without swearing: "where's the fun without profanities?"

On tape again, it's back to Sharon: "I didn't think the Brits would ask us." No, we didn't see it coming, either. Not in 2008. She mumbles something about not being Trevor McDonald and keeps repeating "it should be fun", like she's desperately trying to convince herself as well as us.

Bat For Lashes is the next live act, doing exactly the sort of thing that should be in the proper Brits - an acoustic What's A Girl To Do? - but will never appear, as actual spine-chilling music must make way for Jason Orange and Prince jamming to covers of Beyonce tracks or whatever this year's musical entertainment might be.

To be fair to the organisers, at least this year's nominations have made a little bit of effort to include some less-obvious acts, if you can call saying "ooh... what was the song on that iPod advert again" as pushing the envelope.

Kelly says that the Brits are "a credible event which helps fund the Brit school...", which is half true.

Leona Lewis has gone back to the Brits school to show what her alma mater is like - but if they're that good at training people for music industry skills, how did she end up begging for a job on the X-Factor? It's like Harvard Business School being proud if one of their graduates winds up on The Apprentice.

Now Mark Ronson has turned up for an interview.

"How do you feel?"
"I feel... Brit...ish"

The interview lasts five seconds. He seems less than impressed.

More padding now, as they ask artists of the sort prepared to appear in a package about 'who do you like' what they think about the nominations for best British male. Kate Nash is positive about Newton Faulkner. Craig David says Mika is "very unique", as if there are degrees of uniqueness.

There's an awful lot of padding.

The advertisers in the commercials include mouthwash and computer dating agencies. Who, exactly, do they think will be watching this programme, then?

Kelly Osbourne trills "coming up, we've got some more live performances, but first back to the serious business of music" - so what are the live performances going to be, then? Magicians? Vent acts?

Another slew of nominations - it's odd that these are just being churned out on tape, while the programme makes room for acres of other old bits of shit. Couldn't they at least have got someone - anyone - to come out and read them out of a piece of paper in a big gold envelope?

Best live act
The Klaxons - hmm
Take That - hmm
Kaiser Chiefs - hmm
Muse - hmm
Arctic Monkeys - hmmm

This whole category is just there to provide a nice gift for the boys who don't run fast enough to win one of those proper prizes, as hardly anyone is going to be in a position to be able to vouch for all the shortlist, so it's just guessing, really, isn't it?

International group
Foo Fighters - they'll be replaced next year with the red Hot Chili Peppers, of course, as they alternate
Eagles - if all the votes from anyone under 50 are discounted
Kings Of Leon - depsite the novelty having worn off sometime around summer 2006, still popular with industry insiders, it seems
Arcade Fire - it'd be nice if they did win, wouldn't it?
White Stripes -... unless it turns them the way critical acclaim made the White Stripes (i.e. Jack) go as pompous as Captain Mainwearing

British female artist
KT Tunstall - "or do we mean Sandi Thom? which was the one who didn't vanish?"
PJ Harvey/Bat For Lashes/Kate Nash - funny; normally this is the category which is scrabbling around for actual talent active in the year in question to nominate, which is why Annie Lennox usually turns up, but this year they're spoiled for choice...
Leona Lewis - ... but will probably give it to the one off the telly anyway.
No Winehouse, you'll note.

There's a new award now - the "Critic's Choice". Blimey, there's Peter Robinson talking about it. It seems to be some sort of attempt to redress the balance of the awards being shit, so they've asked journalists to come up with someone a bit more exciting. It's restricted to artists releasing debut albums.

Foals and Duffy lose out to (ex Brits school) Adele. So not only have they done the credible award off on the prelaunch programme, but they've also managed to choose the dullest of the three who was being underwritten by the Brits organisation anyway. The funny thing is, Adele does have a great career ahead of her - but it's clearly a Mari Wilson/Sam Brown lite-jazz, occasional-live-spot-on-Woman's-Hour type of career. Brilliant to watch, but not going to save the UK record industry.

Another sludgy collection of 'who will Sugababes vote for, assuming they don't attack them with sticks' vox pops. The Klaxons say Kate Nash could be the next Cilla Black; that's probably not as insulting as they intend it to be.

Mika is wearing braces: "Bat For Lashes is very creative... and not the norm..."

Apparently, there's more of this sort of thing on the Brits website. Don;t all rush at once.

Brits performers being run down now:
Kaiser Chiefs (they've promised not to do I Predict A Riot, honest)
Kylie (she was alright on Doctor Who, remember)
Leona Lewis (this is ITV)
Rhianna (doing... go on, guess)
Mika (it's like when they booked The Darkness too early and nobody cared any more by the time the show came round...)
Mark Ronson (they half hope he'll bring Amy; the half hope he'll bring Candie Payne instead)

Oh, god, they've sent Jodie Harsh to ask passers-by what the best single of 2008 was: it's like a cross between Lily Savage's Blankety Blank and That's Life.

They keep trailing the Hoosiers as if that's something to stop you turning over to see Trevor McDonald crawling out of retirement.

Ricky Wilson is now being interviewed - let's assume he's just been up early delivering milk and not, in any way, out of his gourd on the diminishing largess of the major labels, shall we? He does admit that Kaiser Chiefs are simple.

Top ten singles, from which the world can vote:
Kate Nash - Foundations
James Blunt - 1973
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Mark Ronson - Valerie
Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
Mutya Buena - Real Girl
The Hoosiers - Worried About Ray
Take That - Shine
Mika - Grace Kelly
Sugababes - About You Now

The Hoosiers? How the hell did they get in this list? I mean... really?

British album:
Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare - the record which defined the year as being the year they released an album that was, you know, okay
Leona Lewis - Spirit - in with the running as the "happy Mother's Day" lazy gift choice of the year
Mark Ronson - Version - the sort of record which execs and Jo Whiley love, but doesn't really make an emotional connection with
Mika - Life In Cartoon Motion - stop it, it's not funny any more
Take That - Beautiful World - the "so, timmy got you Leona Lewis, and I got you this, Mum" choice

My god; they really have built up towards The Hoosiers as the peak of the evening. It's 'quirky' and 'off-kilter' for people who believe they, themselves, are quirky and off-kilter. Also, the song is a rip off of Happy Together for people who would rather think themselves quirky and off-kilter than listen to The Turtles.

Oh, hang on, there's one more award to announce - a prestigious one, too: the 'well done for not dying Paul McCartney award'.

So, the scene is set for the big event then: or, at leaat, the odds have been firmly stacked against it. This has been kind of the kid's table at the wedding.

Brits nominations: gird yourself

The organisation themselves haven't got round to actually posting the details yet, but BBC News is reporting the Brits nominations include four for Mika - yes, four, even with the benefit of hindsight - and a similar number of nominations for Take That.

We're a little bemused as to which bright-eyed expert came up with the idea of holding a ceremony on the same day as the Golden Globes which - even in its strike-bound, released-terrorist-hostage-style press conference, still manages to eclipse Kelly Osbourne clumping through Mika's nominations.

The glittering event is "live" (except it's not) on ITV2 this evening, with Reggie 'even in the glittering history of Doctor Who bit parts, man, being on Brighton sea front briefly instead of held captive on the Master's ship, that was some bit part' Yeates.

One gets shaken

Radio One is about to embark on a fairly large schedule shake-up, most notable for granting Chris Moyles an extra two and a half hours a week - or, in other words, time enough for him to play two extra records. They're now starting the show at 6.30 in the morning, and while we'd have imagined three hours of Moyles a day was enough for any man, the audience seems to eat it up, so this is presumably a ratings-driven initiative.

The extra half-hour for Moyles is being shaved off the 'early breakfast' show - although now that programme finishes so far before a winter's dawn, it's presumably going to have to change its name. This reduced fiefdom has been granted to Greg James, who's been doing little bits and pieces around the station for a while now. He has, you'll note, perhaps the most local-radio-dj name to have graced Radio One since Mark Page.

That strange arrangement where Zane Lowe's show is opted out of on a Thursday evening in the other nations is ending - now, all of England will be shouted at between session tracks from Albert Hammond Junior four nights a week; the national regions opt-out fandango gets shunted to midnights on Wednesday from where, we imagine, it will quietly disappear sometime after Christmas.

The In New Music We Trust strand is still there, unfortunately. But not part of the brave new world is JK and Joel, whose unloved double-actery is banished not just from early breakfast, but also from the Chart Show.

Before you get too thrilled by the idea of the Top 40 returning to a safe pair of hands, though - or two safe pairs of hands - it's now going to be presented by Fearne and Reggie. We're not sure when Cotton and Yates actually became a double act, but it seems to be fixed now. We're at a lost to the logic of giving the Top 40 slot to a pair who were part of the destruction of Top Of The Pops, mind.

The gap in weekend breakfasts opened by this promotion (they're also going to do a 'requests' show on Saturday afternoons - charts and requests; it's like someone doesn't trust them to pick their own records, isn't it?) is filled by Nihal, which is probably the only good idea in the whole spreadsheet.

Also getting demoted is Vernon Kaye - or, perhaps, "having his Radio One workload reduced in order to free up more time to remake Bullseye". His Sunday morning slot is now going to be taken over by... well, it says Dick and Dom here, but surely that can't be right, can it? Maybe three years ago... but in 2007?

The most horrific detail, though, is left for Sunday nights. Sunday Surgery - the long-running 'don't get the clap, and don't pickle your kidneys' slot is now going to be presented by Kelly Osbourne.

How did that happen? Did Radio One see her pisspoor performance on Project Catwalk and think "we should see if she's as bad presenting live radio as she is at recorded television, where - presumably - they must have reshot some of the pieces, surely?" and then looked around for something she could do? Or did they have a shortlist of likely presenters for the programme, and - after they'd all said 'no' - were reduced to thumbing through the phone directory?

Kelly Osbourne.

[Thanks to James P for the tip]