Noel Gallagher: Class act

Noel Gallagher - you'll remember him, he used to appear in that glitzy gossipy Sunday Times column written by his then-wife Meg Matthews about their life in whatever part of London it was - is complaining that there aren't enough working class types in the charts these days. He blames other people:

"Music is very middle class, I’d have eaten Bastille alive in an afternoon in the '90s, one interview, destroyed, gone, never to be heard of again. Easy, had ‘em for breakfast. My bass player summed it up, we’re constantly saying, 'Where is the next band coming from?' and he rightly says, 'Never mind the band, where are the people?'

"When I first started I wanted to get in the charts and wreck it, like stamp Phil Collins out and Wet Wet Wet, they've got to go, and all that '80s gear, we don't need that anymore. I don't see anything from the working class, I just don’t see it."

Ah, yes. Gallagher's war on Wet Wet. So successful that was that, after just three Oasis albums and three years of Gallagher activity, Wet Wet Wet's 1997 album 10 only managed to limp to, erm, number two in the album charts spawning just two top ten singles. And the destroyed Phil Collins only managed to sell a million copies of 2002's Testify so much damage had been inflicted upon him by Gallagher's sharp tongue.

Apparently, this is all the Arctic Monkeys and Kasabian's fault:

"Well you only have to look at the charts, what happened at the end of the '90s, all those bands used to be in the Top Ten, like us, Manic, Pulp, The Verve, Suede and Blur, and I think bands like that have been marginalised and side-lined," he replied. "There's X Factor and all that kind of thing, can you name me the last great band that came out of this country? There's not really been any great bands in the last 10 years."

When it was put to him that One Direction might be considered great in terms of their global success and fame, Gallagher added: "They're not a band, they’re a group and good luck to those lads. Arctic Monkeys and Kasabian, that's ten years ago now and shame on those two bands for a start because they didn't inspire anybody else. The working classes have not got a voice anymore, there doesn't seem to be a noise coming from the council estates, you know what I mean?"

It doesn't seem to enter Noel's head for a moment that there are other possibilities - that for kids growing up now, making fifth-wave Beatles echoes might not be inspiring because there are other, better uses of their time; or that there's always been a talent-show-to-fame path that working class people have followed and the X Factor isn't really anything new in that respect; or there's actually a really vibrant music scene full of people of backgrounds less comfortable than Gallagher's which he doesn't think is there because it's neither about him, nor for him. (Clue, Noel: it's the latter.)

The saddest thing - and were he not such an anal chapstick you might even feel a bit sorry for Noel - is that he's sat on his comfy sofa, reliving the war on Phil Collins, blissfully unaware than for a a kid turning 16 this year, he's their Phil Collins.

Phil Collins surrenders Alamo collection

Back in 2010, you might remember we all discovered that Phil Collins had a massive collection of Alamo memorabilia. The idea of so much American heritage being held in a private collection in Switzerland seemed a little odd to some of us.

It seems like it worried Phil, too. So he's given the whole lot back to the State of Texas.

It's not clear why Phil's decided to hand his stuff over now, although having Ozzy Osborne constantly popping round to piss over your collection is probably off-putting.

The only downside to this is that it gives Texans another chance to be all about how great Texans are. Might have been better if Phil had given the stash to Mexico.

Fazer works with the dead

Here's an eye-catching claim:

N-Dubz' Fazer is set to work with Phil Collins.

"Everyone will be expecting I'm going to work with Tinie Tempah, Tinchy Stryder and Chipmunk, but I want to do something musically credible that opens me up to different markets.
"I'm going to work with Phil Collins."

To be frank, we'd not really expect Tinie, Tinchy or Chipmunk to be rushing to work with Fazer - why would you trade down like that? But the Collins claim is fascinating.

Given that Phil Collins has retired from music.

So, has Fazer managed to tempt Collins back for one last job? Has Collins been assured by ATOS that working with Fazer isn't actually doing music, and so won't affect hios entitlement to pensions?

Or is it merely that the record label is dumping a bunch of tapes in Fazer's hands and getting him to have a play?

Let's go back to that quote and find out:

"I'm going to work with Phil Collins, The Script, and I'm already doing a remix of Sting's 'Englishman in New York'."

Dumped tapes, then.

Fazer is happy, though:

"I love 80s music. Dappy and I think music now is nowhere near as good as it was back then."

I suppose if you had to spend most of your day listening to N-Dubz over and over again, you might come to that conclusion.

Phil Collins doesn't like music

Not really a surprise, is it, that Phil Collins doesn't like music:

“I actually don’t like music that much,” Phil Collins admits at the Glenfiddich Mojo Awards. “I don’t really listen to music. My youngest daughter, Lily, she’ll play me stuff and I’ll say, 'Wow, that’s great, who’s that? But, really, no.”

If he liked music, he wouldn't have treated it so badly, would he?

Phil Collins quits to spend more time with Phil Collins

Phil Collins is calling it a day and retiring:

Greetings to all, I've decided to write this in response to the articles that surfaced last weekend regarding my retirement. Why they were printed at all is a mystery, as I haven't spoken to anybody in the press for a few months.

However, many of the articles printed over the last few months have ended up painting a picture of me that is more than a little distorted. Therefore, I would like to add my comments and try to explain again my reasons for calling it a day.

1/ I'm not stopping because of dodgy reviews or bad treatment in the press.

2/ I'm not stopping because I don't feel loved, I know I still have a very large fanbase that loves what I do. Thank you.

3/ I'm not stopping because I don't fit in, this was proved with "Going Back" reaching No 1 in the UK, and doing incredibly well worldwide.

4/ I'm not stopping so I can dive full time into my interest for the Alamo.

I am stopping so I can be a full time father to my two young sons on a daily basis.

Some of the things mentioned above have been said by me in various interviews, but said as asides with a smile on my face and in passing. They were not meant to be "headlines", they were small parts of a conversation. This clearly doesn't come over in print and I should know better.

However, the result is that I have ended up sounding like a tormented weirdo who thinks he was at the Alamo in another life, who feels very sorry for himself, and is retiring hurt because of the bad press over the years.

None of this is true.

Thanks for all your messages on the Forum regarding this stuff, it means a lot that you care.
But there's no need for the straitjacket !

Why, Phil? Why would you not have ended that "there's no straitjacket required"? Surely that was the obvious joke to leave us on?

He does have a point - he managed a number one album last year, albeit only for a week before being unseated by The Script. Oh, lord, what have we done where The Script and Phil Collins are battling each other for number one?

Still, we'll miss Phil. Not as much as the nation missed his taxes while he was living in exile, but we'll miss him a bit. I don't know what I'll do now I no longer have his records passing me by without my noticing.

Phil Collins had a lust for blood

HBO thought Phil Collins should return to acting:

"I get sent a script from HBO. There was a Russian serial killer who killed and cannibalised 50-odd kids."

Clearly, HBO had seen Collins' performance as a Mexican in the Illegal Alien video and concluded that he was the right man to have a crack at playing a Russian.

Collins was up for it, too:

As soon as I got the script, I thought, 'I've got to play this guy!' But my wife wouldn't let me do it.

She was probably right - can you imagine the legal trouble HBO would be in if they let Collins play a multiple killer? The cannibal's reputation would never recover.

Piss on the Alamo, piss off Phil Collins

I have a faint suspicion that the entire Dallas Morning News article about Phil Collins and his love for the Alamo is nothing more than a long, elaborate pisstake:

British singer, songwriter and drummer Phil Collins has won seven Grammy Awards and sold nearly 40 million solo albums in the United States.

But perhaps his biggest passion isn't music, it's the Alamo.

Admittedly, the idea that Collins doesn't love music as much as something else is quite credible - indeed, for much of his later career, it wouldn't be a surprise to discover that he was driven by a passionate hate for music and all connected with it.

But the Alamo?

Decades later, Collins has gathered what has been considered "one of the largest private collections of Alamo memorabilia in the world." He's said he has "hundreds of cannonballs, documents and other artifacts from the Alamo at his home in Switzerland."

God, his postman must love him.

"What have you got in this parcel, Mr. Collins? Cannonballs?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact."

I wish I had an interest and fascination so deep with an event that I dedicated my life to removing as much connected with that event as possible to be hidden away in a private collection in a totally different continent.

But while Collins might be stealing the Texan heritage, he is giving something back to Texas:

Collins will speak about his Alamo fascination at 6:30 p.m. May 10 at the Margaret and Al Hill Lecture Hall in the Hall of State at Fair Park, 3939 Grand Ave., Dallas.

If I were in charge of the Alamo Mission, I'd be making sure the doors were bolted and everything screwed firmly down next week. Just in case.

Phil Collins no longer drums

The news that Phil Collins can no longer drum might be the sort of news that would have led to street parties in the 1980s, but now is actually quite sad:

The former Genesis star can't even hold his sticks after years of sitting in front of a drumkit.

Collins, 58, whose hits include In The Air Tonight, said: 'After playing drums for 50 years, I've had to stop.

'My vertebrae have been crushing my spinal cord because of the position I drum in.

'It comes from years of playing. I can't even hold the sticks properly without it being painful, I even used to tape the sticks to my hands to get through.'

But just as you're starting to feel sympathy for a man at the end of his career, he has to go and spoil it all:

Collins told fans: 'Don't worry, I can still sing.'

But the drumming was the bit that people didn't mind so much, Phil. It was the singing that people thought ill-advised.

Genesis hope to bring back Gabriel

Genesis are shopping for lawnmowers, as they consider reuniting with Peter Gabriel. Somehow, though, you suspect it's not so much the idea of Gabriel singing again that's the real driver here:

“We’ve never said never about it, you know,” Genesis keyboardist Tony Banks told Billboard. “I know Phil (Collins) would be quite happy with the idea of just playing the drums; it would be quite fun for him.

Yes - it'd be fun. Also, if Collins is busted back down to drummer, it'll be up to him to rent the band's van from Enterprise and he'll have to put up the money for the petrol - although he'll get it back, promise, just as soon as the dude from the venue gives over the band's share of the door money.

Heather Mills will be kicking herself today

It turns out, for the biggest payday, she should have been trying to get divorced from Phil Collins: He's just paid £25million to end his third marriage.

Phil Collins now as big as Elvis

Elvis has left the building. Or, rather, the top ten. Billboard has decided to redo how it calculates its all-time chart records. They've decided the days when it was called the Top 100 (rather than the Hot 100) no longer count, and as a result Elvis is no longer sharing second place with Mariah Carey, but dropped to 14th place, a slot he shares with Phil Collins.

Elvis would have probably rather dropped out the charts altogether than be slapped on the back for being as good as Phil.

Thank you, Hornby

We're being spared a new Phil Collins record at the moment because he's too busy building a model railway:

"I just got sidetracked with model railroads for the boys - or me, really.

"I'm building a model railroad in my basement. That seems to be an obsession. There really isn't any room for music at the moment.

"I'm sure when the railroad gets close to being finished and I go into my little studio, if something happens I'll keep going with it.

"I have one or two things finished and one or two things that are half baked, but nothing that's even close to being called an album yet."

It's hoped that, should the railway be finished, we might buy ourselves a couple more years by sending him a bucket of sticklebricks and a Shakermaker.

Anyone want to put in a fiver for Phil Collins' retirement card?

Although we're surprised that the Times has concluded that Phil Collins is "hip" because his music appeared on an advert selling largely inedible chocolate, you have to at least credit them with the breaking the news of his retirement.

Yes, you'd been wondering why there had been all those beacons burning and every church bell in the kingdom was clanging, hadn't you?

Disguised as Phil Collins

Radiohead attempted to disguise their secret recording sessions by disguising their masters, explains Colin Greenwood:

"It felt like a gigantic risk. Like Mission Impossible, almost. We destroyed all CDs after every day of recording.

"And on the master we'd always write a name which probably nobody would listen to if we had lost it; Eagles: Greatest Hits, Kula Shaker demos, Phil Collins hip-hop covers."

Which explains why you should double-check that copy of the Eagles Best Of you bought for your Dad down the pub before you give it to him on Christmas Day.
[Thanks to Rachel Summers for the tip]

Phil Collins brought the Zeppelin down

In a deft piece of "I wouldn't want to say anything bad, but...", Jimmy Page has blamed the failed Led Zep reunion for Live Aid on the drummers:

"I don't want to blame anyone but the two drummers (Phil Collins and Tony Thompson of Chic) hadn't learned their parts.

"You can get away with that in a pop band but not with Led Zeppelin."

And when they came to cart the equipment off the stage, bloody Collins had pissed off in Concorde leaving them to do all the work. Drummers, eh?

Drummer, singer, actor... artist?

Later this year, the Dallas Museum of Art is hosting Phil Collins: the world won’t listen, a video installation where Phil Collins invites Smiths fans around the world to contribute karaoke renditions of Smiths songs.

We can't make up our mind, though, if Rolling Stone really believes that the drummer from Genesis and the 2006 Turner-shortlisted artist are the same Phil Collins, or if it's just a joke. We fear they might be being serious, though.

Hot In Here: The papers cover Live Earth

The News of the World doesn't bother itself with getting its Live Earth coverage bogged down in fretting about polar bears drowning or displaced people fighting over the last remaining popsicle. Oh, no, their report is split into two bits: stunning pics for her and for him. The girls get Johnny Borrell; the boys have that really disturbing moment when Madonna was dry-humping the monitor. (What was going through her head at that point? "At least it doesn't keep murmuring 'no, please not'", presumably.)

This is how the NOTW describes the opening minutes of the concert:

The crowd, which expected to swell to 70,000 by the close, then rose to its feet as the reunited Genesis used their hit Land Of Confusion to send an environmental message.

Singer Phil Collins urged the crowd to make the world "a place worth living in".

The Wembley show was closed by Madonna, who earlier set the stage alight with a dazzling rehearsal of classic hits La Isla Bonita and Hung Up, as well as new song Hey You penned especially for the event.

Is it just us, or does that whole section sound like it was written by someone in German and then translated back into English. Almost.?

And every time the paper tried to make it sound like a star-studded event of a generation, it somehow managed to sound like its tongue was in its cheek:

Throughout the day, the 70,000 crowd was shown sketches from stars including Cameron Diaz and Anna Friel encouraging people to make small changes to become greener such as installing energy-efficient bulbs. Celebrities in the crowd included Liam Gallagher and missus Nicole Appleton, his ex Patsy Kensit and Myleene Klass.

When you're reduced to mentioning the presence of Nicole Appleton, and Myleene Klass, you're grubbing at the bottom of a very empty celebrity barrel. Even the Diana concert managed to rope in Arfur Edwards.

Spice Girl Geri Halliwell was sensationally booed for her corny introduction for Duran Duran.

Referring to her newly-reunited group's hit Wannabe, she said: "I know this is a bit cheesy but I'll tell you what I really, really, really want is to introduce a legendary band that have been going much longer than the Spice Girls, for over 20 years."

Actually, she'd probably have got away with it if she hadn't mentioned how cheesy it was in the first place.

Zoe from the Sunday Mirror knows whereof she speaks, skewering David Gray for the most dunderheaded observation of the day:

"The campaign is like in 1938 when Britain had an army coming at it from France. We knew what we had to do then and we know what we've got to do now."

Good lord - how lucky we defeated that army to be ready for the Second World War a year later.

The Mirror took four people to contribute a single story - surely a shining use of scarce resources, although they seemed to have done little more than rewind their Sky+ to scribble down some quotes:

Razorlight's Johnny Borrell said: "There are people who work day in, day out for things like Stop Climate Chaos, organisations like that, and Live Earth, out of the belief that they want to make the world a better place. And those people are heroes."

Which, as his private jet waiting to whisk him up to T in the Park, was a bit like BP hailing the people who wash spilled oil off cormorants.

The People, tucked away in a report about a child murderer, throws in a surprising glimpse of some more of the hypocrisy at the heart of Live Earth: for many of those involved, it formed a jolly weekend double with watching motor racing slowly depleting the planet:

Celebs at yesterday's Live Earth concert are among those expected at the [Silverstone Grand Prix]. Selected guests are given the packs containing programmes, glossy brochures and details of special offers and information.

You might wonder if anyone felt anything more than a slight pang of pity when Phil Collins swore. Alice Doonan insists people were:

Billions of TV viewers around the globe heard a string of four-letter filth from Genesis frontman Phil Collins and US band Black Eyed Peas.

And presenters Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton were both forced to make grovelling apologies for the stars' foulmouthed outbursts.

Wrinkly rocker Collins shocked show producers by changing a line in the hit single Invisible Touch from "She will mess up your life" to "She will fuck up your life".

Clearly, Doonan couldn't have been watching the coverage if she thought that Ross was "grovelling" with his apologies; it's not clear, either, how she assumed that "billions" of people saw Collins' pottymouth - wouldn't it have been about six in the morning in the US?

Kitty Empire filed a review for The Observer which suggested it all hung on Madonna:

The night, however, belongs to Madonna. If Live Earth is a spectacle as much as a wake-up call, pop's queen bee has the massed children's choirs, dancers and carbon-quota-busting light show to make Live Earth historic.

Her progress from Material Girl to planet custodian has been an unlikely one - not least because it involves Gogol Bordello playing 'La Isla Bonita' at punk speed tonight. But perhaps Live Earth's most potent message is that if Madonna - one of pop's most inveterate megalomaniacs - can give a stuff about the future of the planet, than so can we.

Except, of course, as both the Mail and the NOTW have published detailed breakdowns of just what an environment depletion monster Madonna is, building the show on her shoulders looks a little ill-judged. Like MacMillan telling the poor they've never had it so good.

The Sunday Times' Robert Sandall was one of the few journalists to suggest that, actually, it was all somewhat less than half cock:

As a concert, Live Earth was not the repeat of Live Aid/Live 8 it clearly wanted to be. Unlike the events organised by the charismatic Sir Bob Geldof – upon which this one modelled itself closely, right down to its choice of name – the acts who answered the call from Al Gore’s people to play at Wembley Stadium were a bit short on superstar clout.

It was Geldof’s legendarily persuasive powers which got Pink Floyd to abandon a 20-year feud and re-form for Live 8 in Hyde Park in 2005. There was nothing on the Live Earth London bill to command that level of anticipation and potential drama.

With the exception of the closing act Madonna – who played next door at Wembley Arena only last summer – there was nobody on the Stadium bill with the cross-generational appeal, and catalogue of monster hits, to supply the great unifying moments which event gigs need to make their message stick in the mind.

Back to Madonna, though, for the Sunday Telegraph. They've dug deeper than just calculating how many lightbulbs she gets through, and found that even Ray Of Light, the song she did on stage last night, has a dirty little secret:

The Ray of Light Foundation, a charitable fund established by the star to support her favourite causes and named after one of her biggest selling hits, has $4.2 million (£2.1 million) of shares in a string of companies including Alcoa, the American aluminium giant, the Ford Motor Company and Weyerhaeuser, an international forest products company. All have been criticised by environmentalists.

You see what you can do if you don't restrict your coverage to 'sitting in front of the TV with a notepad'?

The disclosure was made by America's Fox News network, which obtained the foundation's most recent tax returns for 2005.

Oh.

You have to make your peace with the island

Is it just us, or has Phil Collins turned into a double of John Locke over the last couple of years. Perhaps that's why he wasn't so bothered about us all being saved during his news 24 interview.

Blimey... he's just sung "fuck" during Invisible Touch - "she'll fuck up your life." He did this with an air of a man who felt he was really showing somebody something. How fortunate no children would have been watching.

Bless him: while Phil's trying to prove he's just as hip as, ooh, Fred Durst, the giant screen behind him is flashing up the suggestion you should "put on a sweater" - just like your gran.

It looks like the fairly-empty Wembley Genesis started playing to was down to trouble simply getting the people in; the BBC are showing people still wandering in and Ross - who has a better view than us - reckons they're only 60% full so far.

Edith has just asked Phil backstage why he felt it was important for them to be there:
"Well... we were asked." Of course.

Live Earth: Phil Collins isn't going to nail his crab to the mast

Genesis, it's fair to say, don't seem to have quite got the hang of the whole Live Earth event. They've just been on News 24, interviewed by David Sillito, who kicked off with a jokey question to Phil. Mentioning the transatlantic trip on Concord Collins took during Live Aid, Sillito asked him "you aren't going to do that this time, are you?" Phil looked at him like he was a half-wit:

"Nah, I'm not going to do it because it's not possible any more. They don't have..."

Collins then appeared to struggle for the name of the plane. Still, it's comforting to know he's cutting down the air travel, if only because the planes don't fit his busy schedules any more.

Sillito tried again, suggesting that the band might be inspired to do something about their own carbon footprint as a result of the event, getting rewarded with a sarcastic "oh, yeah, we're going to walk to Manchester tonight" before Phil gave precisely the sort of "it's a problem for someone else to fix, individuals can't make a difference" response that Live Earth was supposed to be challenging:

"Bigger fish have to do more; governments have to do a little more than individuals just switching a light bulb off..."

Puzzled as to why they were there, Sillito asked if they were at least going to be sharing the message. Mike Rutherford made it clear that no, they weren't going to be doing that, either:

"Every band can't do the preaching."

But... but... isn't this meant to be an awareness-raising one? Phil chipped in that there were other people - "like David Attenborough" - to do that:

"We're just here for the music."

It's a wonderful success already, then.

Meanwhile, Joanna Gosling had been talking to people coming into Wembley, and they seemed like they couldn't be that arsed about the message either. One she spoke to seemed to want to be a part of something, and wasn't that bothered what it was:

"They're here because they missed Live Aid"

Re-Genesis

VH1 have created their own answer to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, presumably thinking that anything that doesn't involve a trip to Ohio has to be a bonus. And it's a way of tempting back groups who would consider themselves above that series where they try to reunite groups for a bit of a laugh.

So it is that the first ever VH1 Rock Horrors was born. Sorry, that's Rock Honours. Agreeing to come ("Chosen for the honours") were ZZ Top, Ozzy Osbourne and Genesis, who did agree to play together for the first time in fifteen years, but sadly drew the line at calling themselves Genezzis to make it a hattrick of double-z bands.

Nickelback showed their respect for ZZ Top by doing a cover of Sharp Dressed Man - presumably they thought it would be too risky for sometimes-soused driver Chad Kroeger to drive onto the stage in the ZZ Top car, although it's arguable he'd have done less damage than he did on the Top back catalogue.

Keane also turned up to do something; and the whole thing was held together by Robin Williams as host - presumably chosen as he was last culturally relevant at roughly the same time any of the winners were.

Ozzy Osbourne advertises an oily butter replacement.