Kylie Minogue now, apparently, a five foot ten black guy with a beard

Hold the front page - possibly of every newspaper in the world. Victoria Newton has the scoop of the century:

KYLIE MINOGUE arrived in London from New York yesterday looking just like Eighties icon MR T.

Bloody hell - that must be steroid side effects, then? So, she's grown about six inches, changed sex, got a new skin colour, grown a beard...

Oh, hang on:

Wearing a gold choker and matching bracelets, she could have been starring in The A-Team.

So... "looking like Mr T" means "wearing a little bit of jewellery", then? Is this just a set up for some lame gags, Victoria?

Yes, yes it is:

Maybe this was her way of telling ex OLIVIER MARTINEZ: “I pity the fool”.

I just love it when a plan comes together.

Eh? What plan, Victoria? The famous wait-until-Kylie-buys-a-plane-ticket plan? And-then-write-about-it scheme?

And if she was like Mr T, she wouldn't have got in no plane, would she, Victoria?

Still, at least Victoria worked the Hannibal theme, by dressing up as seamonster for her byline picture.