Gordon in the morning: Awards ceremony announces new font

The overhaul of the typography for the Brit awards might seem an odd thing for Gordon to get excited about:

In recent years the awards show has looked like a dated rock'n'roll cliche.

But all that is set to change with a new venue, statue, exciting new format based on the Oscars and a new logo - a bold BRITS instead of the old scribble design.

An "exciting new format based on the Oscars", eh? Given that the Oscars is a bunch of the same old faces giving awards to the same old faces, it's hard to see why the Brits aren't like the Oscars already.

A source said: "The new committee is ripping the guts out of the old Brits.

"The idea is to make the Best Album award like the Best Film at the Oscars. They loved the drama this year when no one knew if The Hurt Locker was going to win Best Picture ahead of Avatar.

"That sense of drama has been lost from the Brits and they want to get that back."

The trouble, surely, is that while people might not have known if The Hurt Locker or Avatar was going to win, with the Brits nobody really cares if Kasabian or Paolo Nutini take the prize. Simply saying "we're going to make it dramatic like the Oscars" won't suddenly stop the shortlist being clogged up with Asda-rack-ballast like every year.

There's been some rejigging of the voting eligibility, too:

The voting academy will get a complete overhaul as well, with key players replacing industry dinosaurs.

And most importantly, artists will get their say on who bags Album Of The Year.

Brits chairman David Joseph said: "Artists are the most valuable part of our industry so inviting them to join the Voting Academy is an obvious step."

If they're so important, why are they only voting for album of the year. And who do you mean by "artists"? Because if everyone, say, who sold more than 200 tracks in a year get a vote, that would be interesting. If it's just letting Elt and Robster and Chris have a go, then you might as well not bother.

And the phrase "key players" is as meaningless as "industry dinosaurs" in this case, surely?

Not to mention that the Oscars voting system is dominated by movie industry dinosaurs.

The show itself is going to abandon Earls' Court and settle in at the Millennium Dome - showing the kind of surprising, left-field thinking that we've come to know and love from the Brits. The O2 Arena? Whoever would have guessed.

Gordon says we'll love it:

I've seen the secret plans for the new show, which will be screened live on ITV and it will be better for everyone - fans, artists and my mob.

"My Mob"? Has he started to confuse himself with Mac Muprhy? Is he running a youth club in the Bizarre offices, to the chagrin of the snooty bloke in a blazer running The Times official reader's club?

What's odd, though, is Gordon's claim that "in recent years the awards show has looked like a dated rock'n'roll cliche."

This year's awards, which most observers were only able to watch through three pillows and cold, bitter tears found most of their applause in Gordon's column:

PETER KAY's quickfire quips had the Brit Awards crowd in stitches.

The host called LADY GAGA "New York's answer to SU POLLARD" - and "the only woman who shops at Ikea for her dresses".

Not much mention of rock and roll cliches there.

Perhaps he meant the year before was a big rock and roll cliche? 2009, you'll recall, saw Gordon praising the hosts even while scripts were still being written:

On a serious note, the lads are a good pick for the show.

And his team carried on praising them even while most people were in A&E having toes uncurled:

KYLIE MINOGUE, JAMES CORDEN and MAT HORNE got their Brit Award hosting duties off to a great start with a spoof performance of Kylie's hit track Can't Get You Out Of My Head.

Indeed, one of the things I don't think I've ever seen The Sun describe the Brits as is a rock and roll cliche - even when Liam Gallagher is throwing swears around and stomping off stage, the Bizarre team is stood applauding the exciting and shocking event.

So why is Gordon denying everything he's run about the Brits in the past to applaud the new look?

The Best Album category will take centre stage under the new name of Mastercard Album Of The Year Supported By The Sun Bizarre Column.

Oh, yes. Just like the Oscars. All the prizes in the Oscars carry two sponsors' names, right?

By the way: the suspicion that albums have been put at the heart of the prize givings in a bid to try and shore up sales of a dwindling way of packaging music at a time when everyone under 40 thinks in terms of tracks, not packs; and that that shows that the heart of the Brits is still being crafted in major label marketing departments and not by "the artists"; and that those departments tend towards the dinosaury? That's an unworthy thought to be having. Totally unworthy.

Gordon in the morning: Worth the entry fee

It's one of those days where Gordon confounds expectations and runs a decent story, albeit one copied off the Bon Jovi message boards:

BON JOVI face a backlash from furious fans over the £1,300 price tag for the best seats at their O2 residency next June.

The New Jersey rockers, who make much of their working-class roots, are set to play a string of gigs at the East London venue.

It's not just the top tickets which are eye-wateringly expensive; the crappest part of the venue will cost you forty quid.

New album The Circle from the quartet fronted by Jon Bon Jovi tackles issues such as the recent global financial downturn, and the irony is not lost on fans.

Oddly, Gordon doesn't use any of the contacts in his rolodex to bother getting any response from the ticket agency, the band, their management, the venue or even "sources close to". But at least it's a point worth raising.

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet: Michael Jackson

Diamond Geezer heads down to Greenwich on what would have been the first night of Jackson at the O2:

Many of the crowd had come dressed in at least one item of MJ apparel. Black hats were especially popular, although I looked around in vain for the street vendor knocking them off at a fiver a time. One or two wore white gloves, a couple sported rather more sparkly gems than is socially acceptable, and there was even one red satin tour jacket circa 1984. But the main item signifying membership of the Jackson cabal was the commemorative t-shirt. Be it respectful, exuberant or a bit cheap - the message was more important than the material. My favourite was the plain white t-shirt with the slogan "I HATE MARTIN BASHIR". Martin, thankfully, had had the sense not to turn up.

Gordon in the morning: All the fun of the unfair

While, undoubtedly, Michael Jackson will have requested some home comforts at the house he's rented to stay in when he's busy canceling his O2 dates, is Gordon Smart sure about this?

The King Of Pop has ordered the promoters behind his record-breaking 50-night residency in London to turn his new UK abode into a replica of his former residence.

Jacko, who is battling skin cancer, has told firm AEG he wants a bowling alley built in the historic Foxbury Manor in Chislehurst, Kent, and a fully-functioning funfair installed in the grounds.

Skittles, maybe. But a full funfair?

Is anyone else imagining a call to the Bizarre desk that went like this:

Gordon: Hello?
Source: Hi, I've got some news about the crazy demands Jacko's making...
Gordon: Really?
Source: Yeah, he wants a bowling lane in the manor
Gordon: Oh.
Source: A full-size one.
Gordon: Oh.
Source: Erm... and... um, dodgems. He wants dodgems.
Gordon: Just dodgems?
Source: No... not just dodgems. Candy floss. And a big dipper.
Gordon: Ah... now this is sounding more interesting...
Source: A full funfair. He wants a full funfair.
Gordon: Brilliant. Where shall I send the cheque?
Source: Can you make sure you mention the bowling? That bit is true...

Gordon, of course, remembers Neverland:

But as debts mounted while he defended himself from child abuse allegations, he was forced to sell up four years ago.

Didn't the debts mount up as he spent more money than he had, regardless of child abuse allegations?

Meanwhile, Gordon is still excited about his showbiz chums Spandau and their big comeback:

SPANDAU BALLET’s album sales have soared 415 per cent since they announced their comeback tour.

TONY HADLEY’s group beat the 360 per cent boost for NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK when they returned last year.

Julian Monaghan, of Amazon.co.uk, said: “Comebacks can have a hugely positive effect.”

What's missing from this is any indication of how many records we're actually talking about. What is 415% of hardly anything at all?

Gordon in the morning: Fifty is too much

Tim Nixon pops up with a claim that Michael Jackson is as underwhelmed by the idea of fifty nights as we are:

The ailing King Of Pop is now panicking he's not physically strong enough to cope with the gruelling schedule, insisting his small appetite makes it hard for him to perform.

He's blaming his small appetite? Why, was he planning to do Thriller while eating a bucket of clams? Or has "I have a small appetite" now become a catch-all euphemism.

Sadly, Gordon hi'self doesn't pop up to offer us any guidance on this one, because he's been busy elsewhere:

KASABIAN played a breathtaking show for their devoted army of hometown fans on Sunday night - turning a peaceful, sunny evening into a sweaty rock riot.

Yes, Gordo went off to see his beloved Kasabian. And, surprisingly, he hated it.

No, of course he didn't:

SERGE PIZZORNO, TOM MEIGHAN, IAN MATTHEWS, JAY MEHLER, CHRIS EDWARDS and BEN KEALY proved they are one of the best live bands around.

IT WAS SO GRATE THAT I TYPED EVERYONE OF THE BAND'S NAME IN CAPITALS!!!!1! And not in a "I am incapable of filing a decent review and so will fill up the space by listing the band members" way, oh no.

A great light show, tight musicianship with Tom, without doubt the best frontman of his generation, conducting the hooligan choir is something to savour.

These boys are a band at the top of their game, on course to join Britain's rock elite.

Oooosh!

It's unclear if, when he submitted this review, Gordon also handed in a drawing of the band playing their instruments. But I suspect he may well have done.

Jacksonomics

Lovely work by The Times, who have produced a sliding calculator thing which allows you to work out exactly how hard Michael Jackson will have to work to clear his debt.

It allows you to adjust ticket price, the amount spent on piles of crap by the average concert-goer, the number of nights paid and so on, to see how much of his cash-hole will be filled. The only thing missing from the equation is the drain on his income that will happen when Jackson discovers those shops in Piccadilly Circus that sell souvenirs.

Fifty nights? Seriously?

Michael Jackson has stretched his planned dates at the Millennium Dome to a cash sapping fifty nights, spread over several months.

Fifty gigs? I know Jacko is strapped for cash, but isn't this just looking needy?

Apart from any other consideration, those people who bought tickets yesterday spent hours wrestling Ticketmaster in the belief they were buying a pass to some of Michael Jackson's farewell shows. Now, it turns out that he's going to be doing more after them than he's played in about two decades.

And - in order for him to get some proper rest between songs - the run doesn't end until Janaury 2010. That's longer than most West End musicals manage. Sure, the first couple of dates might seem a bit special, but by next Winter "Michael Jackson playing a gig" is going to become such a commonplace it's going to be on a par with Gordon Brown trying to put on a brave face as economic indicators hang a "twinned with Harare" sign outside the Bank Of England.

One other thing: there's been a lot of suggestion (especially with the This is IT branding) that what's being offered is Jackson's swansong.

“Michael is said to be ‘thrilled’ by the response and wanted as many fans to share the experience with him as possible,” the Website adds. “This will be the last chance to see the King of Pop in London, this really is it!”

The presence of the words "in London" suggests that there's every chance, if he makes it unscathed through this fifty gigs, he'll be popping up in Vegas, or New York, or maybe even Winchester just as soon as he manages to run up eyewatering debts again.

So, that's Jackson: The last chance to see him in Winchester. Coming 2011.

Jackson: You don't say say say

Panting breathlessly, the Mirror's Tom Bryant announces an exclusive:

The Daily Mirror has seen the setlist the King of Pop has handed to AEG Live, who run London’s O2 Arena where he will play a residency in July.

Yes, it turns out that Jackson's greatest hits show will feature Michael Jackson doing greatest hits.

Aware that this might be less-than-surprising, the paper then drags in Scott Mills, off the Lottery Draw show, to "comment" on each track. No, really. Not only does the paper think you might need someone to comment on Thriller, as if you've not heard it a billion times before, but they thought the best person to do so would be Scott Mills.

Prepare to cut-out-and-keep:

Billie Jean

- This has one of the best base lines I've ever heard in my life.

Wanna be startin' somethin

- Excellent opening of the classic Thriller album. Wicked choice.

Rock with you

- Slow funky classic that rates among his best.

The way you make me feel

- Best intro to a Jacko song (apart from Thriller!) Top one Michael.

Don't stop till you get enough

- The ultimate disco anthem. I can never get enough of this one.

I just can't stop loving you

- One for the ladies and romantics in the audience

Human Nature

- One of Thriller's slower moments but well worth including in the list

Smooth criminal

- One of my favourite Jacko videos and songs too

Girlfriend

- Very much a filler from Off The Wall. Not for me.

Man in the Mirror

- Loving it when the gospel kicks in. Lets hope he gets a full choir involved.

Beat it

- What an incredible guitar solo by Eddie Van Halen. Get him over to the UK!

One day in your life

- Early Jackson that was a bigger hit here than in the UK. Good one to get in.

Heal the World

- Michael's one-man Band Aid.

Remember the time

- Not his finest hour but will appeal to some I reckon.

You are not alone

- Written for Jacko by R Kelly but don't let that put you off. Still a popular one to have.

Thriller

- Possibly the best group dance routine ever. Let's see if he can do it all on stage again in the summer

Look, the Mirror says it's Scott Mills and it didn't just cut and paste comments off YouTube videos. It's not entirely clear where the "here" that Mills reckons One Day In Your Life was a bigger hit in that the UK. Or, indeed, why Mills seemed to be talking more about the videos or recorded versions than if they're going to work in a large tent.

Michael Jackson is expected to repay the compliments by commenting on all of Scott Mills links today; he's going to do it on Twitter or something. "This prank phone call is spot-on - Scott is hilarious"

So how is that Michael Jackson super-priority ticket sale going?

Let's ask Twitterfall, shall we?

tbush: Bugger! Frantically trying to get Michael Jackson tickets via the O2 customer site and the site is down. Not cool!

tkei: Wife is trying to buy tickets to see Michael Jackson in concert and the servers have crashed. No surprises there really.

Boborato: Here we go once again for Michael Jackson's tickets... stucked on "Your wait time is approximately 15 minutes or more"...

patrick: Wow after 30 minutes in line for Michael Jackson, the website updated.... now approx 14 minutes wait time :)

monodot: Dumped out of the queue for Michael Jackson tickets after half an hour with a "could not complete your request" msg. Try again....

Of course, it's not all doom and gloom:

DanAYC: has bagged 4 tickets for Michael Jackson at the o2 arena, cant get back to sleep! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOO HHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO

Well, if you can count 'getting tickets to see a shambling legend effectively reduced to busking' as some sort of win.

Of course, Twitter is a self-selecting sample, but it seems for every happy customer, there's eight or nine people suffering from Ticketmaster's inability to manage, seemingly, any large scale demand for tickets. Which you might have thought would be their key business.

Michael Jackson: I gather we're meant to think this is a lot

Sure, it's enough to make sure that the Millennium Dome will be full each night, but 350,000 registering their interest for Michael Jackson in Greenwich doesn't sound like a lot to me. Not given the hype.

Jacko: You don't call that a comeback?

A telling detail of the slipshod modern world of Michael Jackson: If you're going to try and create a frenzy around your surprise announcement, it might be a good idea to make sure your organisation isn't slapping posters up in tube stations which give away the secret hours before the press conference.

So we know, without Jacko having to even lower his facemask, he's doing ten nights at the Millennium Dome (now the BT Cellnet Millennium Dome).

Indeed, not only have billposters stolen Jackson's thunder, but so have the Association of Secondary Ticket Agents (or Tout Club), issuing warnings about touts flogging dodgy tickets for gigs that haven't been announced. Except to tube travellers:

"We are warning people not to buy tickets that are not yet on sale because it is unlikely that they will receive those tickets," ASTA chief Graham Burns told BBC 6music.

He added: "It's impossible when the dates haven't been announced to be selling tickets for something when there are no announced dates."

Obviously, his point is a fair one. But that last sentence should perhaps be preserved for itself, as a thing of beauty and logic.

Michael Jackson: It's come to this

Yes, the financial downturn has bitten so deeply, it's looking like Michael Jackson is going to have to reduce himself to appearing at Greenwich: Jackson is going to make a special announcement at the Millennium Dome on Thursday.

Of course, it might just be that he's calling the world's press to announce - at long last - the release of that September 11th benefit single. And given Jackson's record of making promises and not following through, you'd think twice before hopping onto the Docklands Light Railway, wouldn't you?

NME Awards event hit by Trinity Street collapse

The collapse of Trinity Street has taken out a swathe of the audience for next week's Cure NME gig at the Millennium Dome. Fans who'd forked out for a ticket have been getting this email:

Please read on for further information regarding your tickets for the Big Gig/The Cure at The O2 on 26 February.

We understand you have purchased these tickets from Trinity St, but Trinity St has not fulfilled this transaction and delivered these tickets to you. It appears that Trinity St has now ceased trading and, as of Monday 16th February, was very likely to go into administration. Please note that Trinity St has not accounted to us for any of these ticket monies, and therefore your ticket purchases are invalid.

You may wish to apply directly to the administrators of Trinity St for a refund of your ticket monies (we set out their address below). However, we appreciate that this may take some time and may well not be successful. Alternatively, you may seek to claim a refund of your monies through your credit/debit card company. We also set out some information on this below.

In the meantime, we have managed to make available to you for purchase similar floor standing tickets (as per your original order) which we will hold for you till Saturday 21st February at 6pm. Please use the BUY link and unique passcode, listed below, if you wish to purchase these tickets while you are going through the claims process. This passcode is unique to you and not transferable. Please ensure you use the same postal address for delivery as your original order as any other orders will unfortunately be cancelled.

If you feel you are not in a position whereby you are able to afford to purchase the tickets that have been held for you, we have a limited number of complimentary tickets in the rear seated blocks on Tier 400. We will confirm back to you by 12 noon on Monday 23rd February if your request can be fulfilled. We will try to accommodate as many such requests as possible, but we cannot guarantee that we will be able to accommodate everyone. Unfortunately, please bear in mind that the location of these complimentary tickets is towards the back of the arena in the top level, seated, and not standing tickets as per your original request.

Please note that requests for complimentary tickets will not be fulfilled if you have also used the link above to purchase replacement tickets.

Both AEG Live and NME are sorry for any inconvenience that this has caused you. We would like to stress that at the time of working with Trinity Street there was no reason to believe that the company would cease trading.

This has, it appears, gone out to some 500-plus ticket holders (or, rather, ex-ticket holders); many of whom are a bit unhappy. The "sorry" at the end doesn't really seem to be especially heartfelt, and the "look, the tickets have gone, we're not giving you your money back - and good luck with that - but you can have first refusal at buying them again" offer hasn't gone down well.

To be fair to the NME, it isn't their fault that Trinity has gone down, and there is some sort of grudging attempt to do the right thing by offering the lottery for an unnamed number of crappier tickets.

But this is the risk you run when you proudly slap your brand onto other people's services and outsource fulfilment. Especially in the current climate.

And the email does suggest that the organisers are putting their financial comfort ahead of the people who had trusted them when they bought tickets. The tickets are there to be re-sold (and, presumably, offered on the open market if they're not taken up by February 21st) and AEG appear to have details of who had bought what. The only thing AEG doesn't have is the cash, which seems to have disappeared into the Trinity hole.

If you were in charge of the NME brand, you might weigh up who you wanted to take the financial hit - Time Warner Inc, or the people who buy your magazines and products, before deciding if you'll send the 'want to try buying your tickets again?' email.

The collapse isn't the NME's fault, but the way it's been handled since is.

[Thanks to Cat C and Peter D, who both contacted me]

UPDATE: 21/02/09 - There's been a change of heart, and now people who originally bought tickets will receive them at no extra cost. Kudos to AEG & NME for changing their minds

The following complaint about sponsorship is brought to you by MoanAtSponsors.com

Given that the Millennium Dome is now styled as the O2 Arena, it might seem a little late to complain about the creep of sponsorship across the venue, but this does seem a step too far:

Coca-Cola has signed a sponsorship deal with O2 arena-owners AEG Europe to become “official pouring rights partner” at the London venue.

What, exactly, is a "pouring rights partner", official or otherwise?

Gordon in the morning: Roses re-bloom

If it's true, you have to admit that Gordon's news of a 20th anniversary Stone Roses reunion is a pretty good scoop.

If only he'd got someone else to write it up for him:

This comeback bug is really catching. There must be something in the water. Or should that be Jack Daniel’s?

Given that the 'comeback bug' has been afflicting bands now solidly since Victoria Newton was in nominal charge at the Sun's showbusyness pages, that Smart has only just noticed says something about his powers of observation.

Seeing THE SPECIALS recently announce a comeback tour has convinced Mani the baggy Lords could put their differences behind them and do a tour.

Oh god - did he just call The Stone Roses "the baggy Lords"? What is it with Smart and giving everyone cod titles?

Still, Stone Roses reunion, huh? And it's in the bag, right?

THE STONE ROSES bassist MANI has pledged to fans that the legendary band will reform next year – once he has persuaded frontman IAN BROWN.

It turns out that all Gordon has to go on is something that Mani has said, with an admission that Ian Brown isn't actually interested right now. So, the band doesn't feature anyone who can sing. Or even Ian Brown.

Still, it's a great scoop, Gordon. How did you get it?

Oh, strangely, although this is flashed over as an "exclusive", it seems to be based on something from "internet TV station channelbee".

So apparently an "exclusive" now means "something I saw on the internet", although not "something I read in a magazine" as Smart isn't claiming the Madonna to appear on Britney's tour story as being his and his alone. This one seems to be little more than a "you helped prop up my ailing tour, now I'll come and ruin yours" bit of kite-flying.

And as Coldplay tumble through to the London leg of their tour, Gordon attempts a review:

COLDPLAY rocked London last night with singer CHRIS MARTIN picking up the guitar to thrill their fans.

The gig at the O2 was the latest stop on the band’s gruelling Viva La Vida world tour and their first in the capital.

Some rock bands have problems making their music fill vast venues – Coldplay aren’t one of them.

Recording their album in a church must have helped.

Erm, yes - assuming they were recording in, say, the National Catherdral in Washington.

A cynic might wonder if Gordon's review had been filed while he was waiting for the taxi to take him off to the Millennium Dome, rather than when he got home.

Urban Music Awards: Only a little bit stabby

If the Urban Music Awards had been attempting to celebrate British youth and show there's more to life than knife crime, it botched it a little as poor security allowed the prize-giving to descend into chaos:

Three people have been stabbed during a music awards ceremony in south-east London.

One man was seriously hurt while two others received minor injuries at the Urban Music Awards at the O2 arena.

Kanye West is believed to have already issued a complaint about how it was decided who would receive minor injuries at the awards.

Taling to the BBC, the team who run O2's Millennium Dome complex sounded slightly surprised that such a thing could have happened:

An O2 spokesperson said: "Nothing of this nature has ever taken place in the venue before and all the usual stringent security measures were in place.

"We are working closely with the police to understand how this happened. Our thoughts are with the victims of the attack."

O2 didn't comment on if - as with the tickets - O2 customers get a chance to be stabbed at their venue before the opportunity is opened to the general public.

Curiously, though, while O2 claim that the security on the night was its usual, stringent self, others told the BBC a different story:

Natalie Williams, 32, said: "Before anything even happened I commented to my boyfriend, because we live nearby and come here a lot, and we usually get screened coming into the building. Tonight there was nothing."

Chris Miller, who was reviewing the awards for an online music guide, said people were wandering into the press room without a pass.

"Even when we were waiting outside in the press area for stars to arrive, it was a melee," he said.

"The security was so slack."

Apparently there had been a deal in place to syndicate the awards show to fifteen countries but, as the prize-giving was abandoned, that might not happen now.

LWT - sorry, ITV Local London - were in attendance, although somehow it slipped their minds to mention that they were broadcast partners in the event rather than just bystanders when they published their report.

Nacho cheese

Noel Gallagher has made it clear that Oasis won't be playing the O2. He went onto the Chris Moyles Show to condemn the place as being a bit tacky and rubbishy and aimed at the lowest common denominator. Yes, he said that on the Chris Moyles Show:

"You'll see the O2 isn't in there," he pointed out to Chris Moyles on Radio 1. "The O2, it's too corporate! I went there for Led Zeppelin - it was good, but there were people walking around with nachos, it's not rock 'n' roll!"

Oh, god forbid that you should be able to get something to eat during four hours at a venue - it might stop you getting so drunk you decide to chant along with Champagne Supernova. And does Noel only intend to play venues without catering? Or that only sell stale pies? Is he scared of chips and salsa? Could that be it... scared...
... scared of chips and salsa...

Not that he's conservative or anything

Well, Showbiz Zoe's strong Oasis story turns out to have a flaw: Noel Gallagher reckons Oasis won't play the Millennium Dome:

"We'll never play the O2. We went there to see Led Zeppelin and to be honest the gig was fantastic, but it was the most soul destroying venue I've ever been to.

"And much to our manager and agent's disappointment we came back and said we would never play there.

"So it means we are going to have to do 640 nights at Earl's Court, I would have thought.

"It's too Americanised for me, and it's too far away. Any gig you can get to by boat that hasn't got a beach is wrong."

Thank god his clunking band never played the Bristol Thekla. His head might have imploded.

It's good that Oasis care enough about their fans to avoid making the venues they play soul-destroying, though - if you've stuck with Oasis this long, you can't have much of a soul left and what remains must surely be protected at all costs.

Noel has also brought his experience to the question of why Glasto didn't sell out this year. Noel should be something of an expert on what's stinking the place up, having made the entire place reek in 2004 with a set so poor it made him scrap an entire album. Noel's diagnosis?

"If it ain't broke don't fix it.

"If you start to break it then people aren't going to go. I'm sorry, but Jay-Z? No chance.

"Glastonbury has a tradition of guitar music and even when they throw the odd curve ball in on a Sunday night you go 'Kylie Minogue?'

"I don't know about it. But I'm not having hip hop at Glastonbury. It's wrong."

It might perhaps be unfair to wonder if Noel is using "hip-hop" and "guitar music" as, ooh, euphemisms for something else entirely, but why does this remind us so of that woman off last week's Apprentice having a strop because the team wasn't making "English food"?

And while there might not have been a hip-hop headliner before, Glastonbury has always had a tradition of doing more than the bands who hang out in the perpetual Beatles tribute stage of Noel's mind; and even if there had never been a black artist in Somerset before, surely that's a problem for what bills itself as a "performing arts festival" rather than simply the Camden Crawl relocated to farmyards. It's like Noel... has some sort of... well... some sort of mental road block... blocking off new...
... possibilities... for... going...

Showbiz with Zoe scoops the lot

It's actually a pretty good story from Zoe Showbiz today, that Oasis are being courted for residency at the Millennium Dome. We just struggle with some of the detail - fifteen million quid? Really?

And there's this, too:

A band insider says: "The dates will be a real special event - and the first major rock residency at the O2.

"There have been lots of pop acts there - the Spice Girls and Prince. And Led Zeppelin did one date. But no band has yet set up camp there for a whole run.

"They are lining up 10 dates some time in the autumn at the Dome before taking on the rest of the world."

Prince a "pop act"?

While the idea of Oasis safely tucked away in Greenwich is a pleasing one, we're not sure we can quite take the idea of the Dome being remade as part of the band's self-propagating mythology - the only good thing about Robbie Williams at Knebworth was that it meant the Gallaghers couldn't drone on about their smaller event any more.

Eagles over Greenwich

We imagine if you like the Eagles the news they're playing the Millennium Dome would be a cause of great excitement. March 20, 22, 23, 26, since you ask. If they sell out - and, of course, they will, as touts will ensure there's not a ticket left in the box office, if not ensuring that there's not an empty seat in the venue - we expect they'll add... two more, maybe?

Tickets go on sale Friday morning; onto eBay around lunchtime.