Time ticks on for Mika and Swatch

What do Mika and Swatch have in common?

Yes, yes, besides both having once been inexplicably popular despite reeking of clunky, bright coloured plastic. And now being pretty much biding their time until they can scramble onto an ironic retro revival.

Besides that.

It turns out they're both thirty years old, and so Mika has been invited to design Swatches to celebrate.

In fact, not watches but:

two colourful timepieces inspired by tribal mask motifs

Yeah, they're busy watches.

To me, it looks like it's just a bunch of vague, patronising tribey-wibey stuff lobbed together. But I'm perhaps being unfair. Mike, explain you vision to us:

“The patterns are a mix of designs that can be found in Tunisian, Moroccan, other African and Oceanic tribal motifs,” according to Mika. “The tribal mask heads are a mix of sources; it’s difficult to pinpoint what they might be. But it doesn’t really matter, because they have the same function ― they’re there to inspire curiosity and awe.”

Ah. It doesn't really matter whether there's any coherence to the work so long as you can think about it. That might sound like the sort of lazy cop-out you'd come up with if you'd just knocked something together, but I'm sure it isn't.

Swatch have produced 999 of the more expensive version of the watch; they call this a limited edition; I suspect it's an overoptimistic oversupply.

Happy birthday, Master Mika.

Gordon in the morning: Victoria Hart returns

Remember Victoria Hart? She was the subject of an unlikely PR blitz a couple of years back - the waitress who played for George Clooney and somehow landed a multimillion deal, all at the same time.

The reappearance of her in Bizarre this morning still bills her as the Waitress who sang for Hollywood, which - you'll be ahead of us here - suggests her story's ending is not entirely a happy one.

Elsewhere, Mika has taken to wearing an eyepatch after a mosquito bit his eye. No word on how the mosquito is doing.

Mika's no need for a mic-ah

Bob Lefzetz went to see Mika play Hollywood yesterday. I say 'play'; his review makes it clear any actual playing had taken place at another time and place:

Mika would move his head away from the mic, but his vocal would remain perfect. But when he spoke, there was distortion, a distinct lack of clarity. That’s what live sounds like. Most of the time tonight, it was Memorex.

I’ve been to so many shows, and I’ve never heard sound like this. So perfect, it doesn’t sound like the record, it IS the record!

I’m not saying everybody’s mic was turned off, that no one was plugged in. But I don’t think Jeff Pevar could get that acoustic guitar sound live. And, who are all these Mikas doing the backup vocals if he’s singing the lead?

Lefsetz does concede that there wasn't much need for Mika to bother singing, as his audience weren't really interested in music anyway - they had a good time.

And, indeed, provides a measure of exactly who the audience were:

People were lining up to pay for balloon hats.

If you're shoveling over cash for a balloon hat, who would be bothered what's happening on stage?

Gordon in the morning: Doing some research

I'm not entirely sure 'getting porn when you search for something online' quite counts as a news story, but it's good enough for Gordon Smart:

MIKA fans have been getting an X-rated surprise when searching online for his latest video.

His new track is called Rain and as soon as the name was released people hit the net to try to find the promo.

But it turns out there's a porn star called Mika Rain.

People were rushing to search for a new Mika single? That stretches credibility a little.

Still, Gordon's been looking into it:

I felt compelled, in the interests of thorough journalism of course, to check the accuracy of this information. And can verify I saw rude things.

Nice to see Gordon actually doing some research for once - although, curiously, if you search on "Mika Rain" on Google at the moment, you have to go a very, very long way through the results before you come to anything porny; you do tend to get actual results about Mika and his song. Perhaps Google has radically overhauled its ranking since Gordon did his work.

But where did this story come from in the first place?

The singer's management have been bombarded with calls and emails from fans who also got an eyeful.

Really? People send emails to the management of an artist because - supposedly - they can't use Google? If you're unable to find anything but porn when you search on 'Mika Rain', how would you be able to come up with contact details for his management?

Besides, aren't people who are looking for Mika Rain the pornstar the one with the real grudge?

Gordon in the morning: Ice cream man

It's hard to imagine anything more horrific than this:

MIKA whipped up chaos yesterday when he turned up in an ice-cream van to hand out tickets to last night's exclusive Bizarre gig.

I'd announced there would be a ticket giveaway just for Sun readers - and hundreds (and thousands) of you flocked there to grab passes.

But no one expected pop star Mika to be manning the van himself.

Isn't it much more likely - on a warm day at the start of autumn - that the people crowding round the ice cream van were flocking there to grab ice creams? Only for Mika to pop out trying to make you go and see his show instead.

At least he did give out some ice cream:

A crowd quickly gathered as word spread that the colourful singer was handing out cornets and free passes. Last night Mika performed a special set for 700 lucky Bizarre readers at the Bloomsbury Ballroom.

I'm not quite sure how a van handing out tickets with much hoopla managed to only target Bizarre readers. Perhaps you had to do some sort of test, like managing to look interested while someone talked about JLS.

Fans of Gordon's inability to cope with the idea of head-to-head challenges will be delighted to hear there's a textbook example today:

TAKE THAT and their former bandmate ROBBIE WILLIAMS have been getting on famously recently. But that could all change this Christmas - when they go head to head in the album charts.

Head-to-head? Really?

Rob drops his collection Reality Killed The Video Star on November 9, then GARY BARLOW's gang issue live CD The Greatest Day just three weeks later.

Only 21 days apart? That's almost the same day, if you look at it on an astronomical time scale.

Gordon in the morning: American take delivery of Cole

Cheryl Cole is a hit in America. No, really, Gordon says so:

CHERYL COLE is music’s most wanted star, having charmed the pants off the Yanks.

The GIRLS ALOUD beauty has just arrived back from a hugely successful stint in Los Angeles where she was offered more jobs than an Italian power station worker.

Uh-oh: Gordon's trying for a topical joke. Sure, it might not make any sense (isn't the problem that the power station guys were offered just the one job?) and it's stirring up trouble in an already raw-area (blah blah blah taking our jobs); and, sure, it hardly even stands up as a philosophical exposition of The Sun's kneejerk xenophobia (Italians working in Britain = bad, but, apparently, unskilled British workers working in America = a wonderful example of how lifting national barriers to employment can improve us all). But, still, I'm choosing to see this as Gordon's first tentative steps to move to the newsdesk.

Anyway, Cheryl Cole was in America - and it was a success, was it, Gordon? Oddly, a quick poke about on Google News doesn't suggest many Americans even noticed she was there; nearly all the coverage of her trip seems to be in the UK media.

Still, she got all these offers, did she?

A source said: “Mika is in the States working on his new album. He went for dinner with the chief of Universal records and Cheryl was invited along too.

“They were chatting about their plans for the future and Mika said he’d love to work on her solo material."

Ah, Mika. Yes, I remember him. Couldn't she have met up with Mika in London? And, strictly speaking, isn't Cole traipsing halfway across the world to see Mika a bit like the Queen going door-to-door to deliver the OBEs? You know, it's a nice gesture, but surely putting the wrong person out?

And what else? These was another chat with William - sorry, Will-I-am and a trip to the Grammys:

She also attended the Grammys where record bosses were queueing up with fat chequebooks and warm handshakes.

Mmm. Getting to shake the clammy hands of record bosses. That's quite a honour.

Elsewhere, there's another splash from Emily Smith, who has put together a story about Michael Jackson having MRSA. Or possibly a staph infection.

There's a stack of quotes from Dr Anthony Youn:

"Many people in the health-care system can contract this disease via cuts to the skin.

“But it is possible Mr Jackson contracted it through surgery on his nose. There are occasions where patients contract the infection during plastic surgery procedures."

That's a fascinating insight, Dr Youn. And when did you have your consultation with Michael Jackson?

Dr Anthony Youn[...] has not treated Jacko but has viewed the shocking photos of the star.

Presumably the same photos that the Sun has run on the Bizarre website - long lens shots in which Jackson either has his back to the camera, or is wearing a mask which covers most of his face. There is one picture where you can see a tiny part of Jacko's cheek. But only a small piece. Still, if Dr Youn is happy to give a diagnosis based on that; well, he's the doctor.

Darkness at 3AM: Mika at risk

Worrying news from the Mirror:

[Mika] has been forced to step up security after receiving some dodgy death threats from over-zealous fans.

Yes, it's worrying. Mika still has fans? Surely his career has gone off for a bit of a sit-down with the Scissor Sisters and The Darkness, hasn't it?

We know about this because Mika is assuring us that earth weapons cannot harm him:

"I'm absolutely fine - don't worry about me - I'm not scared."

That's good. We can all sleep a little more safely now, then. Although increasing security would suggest you're a little scared, wouldn't it?

Meanwhile, 3AM's obsession with treating former members of Blue like they're actually part of the pop world continues. Simon Webbe is preparing a third album by, erm, not eating individual fruit pies:

"It's all about the Mr Kiplings for me. They rock my world. But I've got to give them up."

Man stops eating fruit pies prior to promoing unwanted third album. Hold that front page.

Wouldn't you rather be watching Torchwood? The Brits liveblog

"Tomorrow's tabloids in the making" promises the continuity announcement, with what we can only assume are fingers crossed.

Mika's up first, then, doing a song that feels about four years old already. The giant finch hanging from the stage is a nice touch, mind. For some reason he's dressed as a matador. This year's Scissor Sisters, isn't it?

8.02
Mika opens a small door, and out pops Beth Ditto - like a faux indie version of Hearsay Its Saturday. She's wearing one of those silly little perching on head hats; they attempt to meld Love Today and Standing In The Way Of Control into one song - with limited success. This really does feel like I Love 2006. Mika's still going on - Ditto's disappeared, and so has the giant cutout finch.

8.05
Tom Baker is doing the voiceovers again - another warm-twenty-four-months-ago touch.

Sharon and Ozzy have come on stage, with the kids - nepotism, nepotism. Sharon is screeching like she's never been on stage before. Ozzy is stood looking lost.

"If you think this is over the top, wait to see what we've got in store for you later" screeches Sharon. It's not over the top, dear, it's struggling to rise to the occasion.

Award one: best live act. "A very naughty man" is presenting - "he gets loads of complaints, but let's face it, all the best people do these days" says Sharon. Eh? What does that mean? Talent is no longer capable of entertaining without offending? Isn't that a bit sad.

It's Moyles, who's come out. Oh god, Kelly and Jack are apparently sticking around for the whole show. Why?

Actually, Moyles seems to be auditioning for hosting the show - he'd actually have been better at it than the gaggle who got the gig.

So, best live act, then - sponsored by Radio 2 (but don't say it out loud). If it's sponsored by Radio 2, shouldn't Terry Wogan be presenting?

Obviously, the prize goes to Take That.

8.10
The prize, apparently, is a sign that "pop is back", which seems to have been decided is the official line of the show. (Although why have a rock icon presenting them, then?)

Take That are very polite. Mark Owen appears to be wearing some sort of lady's neckerchief and matching blouse. It's very fetching.

Jason thanks the riggers and truck drivers - see, very polite indeed.

Kelly and shambledad come forward to introduce the heavily-trailed Rhianna/Klaxons duet.

They're in a giant pyramid - it looks a bit like a offcut from the Crystal Maze.

Oh. It's not a very happy marriage, either; less a collaboration, more Rhianna singing her hit despite what the Klaxons are doing. Oops.

(The tabloids will tell you this is amazing tomorrow.)

8.15
This is going to bemuse the people who like the song, while not really persuading people to sample The Klaxons. Maybe they should have tried a different song? But then celebrating 2007 without having Umbrella would miss the point a little.

Fearne is backstage, padding out the show with backstage interviews. Mark Owen seems to suggest the That got last year's awards copied down the arcade by the bloke who cuts the keys from a stall outside Marks and Spencers.

The Hit40 stations get a clear mention for their support on the Best Single prize. Jesus - The Hoosiers made the shortlist? No wonder Ricky Wilson was annoyed at being left off.

First break: Jack Black's done one of his wacky films, then. Oh good.

Yikes... it's that bloody scary Lloyds TSB advert. That gives me nightmares, it really does. And since when did Lloyds and trains go together?

8.20
And we're back. Sharon's STILL EXCITED. It's no surprise, she tells us, that Adele's won the "critic's choice" award. She's a lovely girl, apparently. Jack is settling into a thousand yard stare.

Sharon makes a lame gag about Will Young being gay, which is met with a slightly stunned silence.

Will tries to explain the critic's choice award - he can tell us what it is, but not why. What's the point?

Blah blah blah Brits school blah roll of honour blah Amy Winehouse...

Adele has celebrated by getting an even bigger bun for the back of her head. "I'm not gonna speak for too long cause I think big speeches are borin'". She instead churns out a long list of thanks instead. Because that's much more compelling.

8.25
British Breakthrough Act

What is Sharon talking about? What?

Jonathan Rhys Myers is presenting - ten years since Velvet Goldmine, you know.

Radio One has supported the breakthrough act; this is probably the only interesting competition of the evening. Unless it goes to Mika.

It goes to Mika.

8.30
Mika bellows like a man who has caught his penis in a revolving door.

He's beaten Bat For Lashes, Kate Nash, The Klaxons... and yet it feels like his career has already peaked.

Presumably the parachuting in of Kelly and Jack must have been a result of some terrible rehearsals? Kelly never mentioned she was presenting during the nominations.

Ew, what is Kylie wearing? It looks like one of Carol Vorderman errors from mid-period Countdown. The presence of Daft Punk style blokes in tinfoil suits doesn't disguise that Wow is probably her weakest single since... well, The Locomotion. And the 'wow wow wow wow' bit sounds like when you put your hand over your ear and open and close it quickly.

Kylie's hair seems to have been inspired by the Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe photoshoot.

Ooh, she's got some half-hearted glitter, like she's won quarter of a million on deal or no deal.

Backstage, Fearne asks Adele if winning has sunk in yet. "I found out in December" points out Adele. I'm warming to her.

Another break: Weetabix this time - try it with some fruit on. Yeah. It's like advertising toilet roll with advice to "have a go with it doubled it".

Why have Cadburys brought back the Crunchie advert from so long ago? It looks horrible on modern high-def television.

8.40
"Welcome back" screeches Sharon, stumbling over her speech. It's one of Destiny's Child! Oh, but it's only Kelly Rowland. And she's only presenting a prize, but neither Sharon nor Kelly O bothered to mention what the award was for. Kelly picks up the slack. It's International Male time.

Kanye West has won. He's sent a tape because he can't be arsed to plod over to London to get the statue. He does some mildly amusing business about being humble, before thanking Westwood. And "most importantly the fans".

Sharon's confused about the next category. Kelly laughs in panic. Neither woman has a clue how to get back to where they should be. It's falling apart.

So they wheel on Beth Ditto with the British male prizes. Ditto also stumbles over the category name.

And the winner is... Mark Ronson. Well, if they still did a best producer prize he'd have won that, and at least it's not Mika. Is it entirely fair for the soloist prize to go to someone who isn't a soloist.

Ronson does a gag about having "some notes", waving around sheafs of paper. Old, but at least he's making an effort. And he admits that he's not really a soloist, too.

8.45
We commend to you at this point David Hepworth's piece in the Independent on the Brits, where he points out that its twin aims are efforts doomed to fail - nobody outside the UK is interested in an event where 'Cumbawamba throw water over John Prescott' is considered to be a highlight, and in the always on, instant reaction world of scrobbling and blogging, celebrating the songs from last year in February is a little late.

Jack Osbourne takes the lead in introducing the Kaisers - although Ozzy does get to say "Iwaaarryouuallltogacraaaeeforthekaissercheeese".

They're doing Ruby on what Fearne Cotton had promised would be the "craziest" Brits set ever. It's some scaled down models. It looks like the opening credits to The House of Tiny Tearaways.

They're off key, too.

8.50
Beth helpfully points out that Mark Ronson has won loads of awards and so, effectively, a Brit ain't so much. Mark mumbles something to try and take the sting from that rude-but-true observation.

Another break?

8.55
Oh, they're trying to push Kinder chocolate as an adult chocolate still, are they? That's never going to work, unless they put porno toys in the eggs.

Over on the Guardian liveblog (from within the event - get them), Rosie Swash reveals that Missy Elliott's guest of honour is Lulu. Which is more interesting than the show itself.

As if on cue, Kelly O says that this where the show gets interesting - as if admitting the first hour has been a bit ho-hum.

Ah! Here's David Tennant, with an internation female prize. Now, a cynic would expect Rhianna to win this, what with her doing the show and all.

Ah, but Kylie is also up for it. She gets the prize, too - how many more times are Tennant and Minogue going to share stages?

9.00
God, it takes Kylie an age to get to the podium. Could they not have sat the nominees nearer the front? Trevor starts at Ten sharp these days with the news, you know.

Sharon mentions the X Factor to remind us that she's not always rubbish on live tv and to try and suggest that, somehow, Leona Lewis owes it all to her. A "fabulous talent", apparently.

Sorry for not mentioning the commenters, by the way: Sharon/Harry Hill very apt, anon. And, yes, Mat, you've nailed the thing that's been bugging me. Expensive hair, wide mouth - Kelly is Shami Chakrabarti tonight, isn't she?

Leona Lewis actually turns out to be not so very good - it's a nice backing vocal, but it's all screeching otherwise. Still, she gets more glitter than Kylie did. Probably to make up for losing that prize to Mika earlier.

9.05
The kids are having a go now - Kelly struggles with "Olivier award", as if she'd never heard of Sir Larry. Andrew Lloyd Webber has come on - he'd be BBC1's answer to Sharon Osbourne, if you think about it - and done some business with Denise Van Outen. (She'll work with anyone - Vaughan in the morning, Milord Webber at night). They're doing the big International Award, none of whose nominees have been bothered to turn up.

It goes to The Foo Fighters, under the well known 'Dave Grohl's a nice chap (apart from the AIDS business)' rule governing awards ceremonies.

James Nesbitt is now dragging himself up on stage - somehow even more out of place than on Buzzcocks - but reminds everyone the football is on Sky before the British female prize.

Something else David Hepworth said is that the British/International distinction is meaningless in the 21st century - and wouldn't you want to see Bat For Lashes take on Feist instead of Leona Lewis?

Kate Nash wins. Another Brits school winner for this award, points out Fearne, which makes the whole thing seem even more like a closed shop than an open competition.

Extemporising, Kate Nash is a lot less fascinating than she is on record. She even thanks Virgin Publishing.

9.10
Good lord - in a bid to try and shore up ITV2's purchase of Bionic Woman (a buy-in that doesn't seem quite so smart now) Michelle Ryan is on with the winner of International Album.

The Foo Fighters have been judged to be better than The Eagles. In this context. Dave Grohl mildly takes the piss out of Kula Shaker on his taped acceptance.

It's the kids again, barking up the "very special" bit - Mark Ronson and... Adele. Not... you know, Amy Winehouse, then? Because it's not like she'll be backstage to come on and surprise everyone halfway through, is it?

9.15
Considering how humble Mark Ronson seemed picking up his award, it's hilarious the stage consists of giant marquees with his name on them.

Why, who's this? That's not Winehouse. It's the Stop Me bloke again. Nobody stops him, unfortunately. And the 'You Keep Me Hanging On' snatch isn't clever when the meandering last longer than the actual song you were supposed to be singing.

And now, here's someone else. Surprise! (Not, you know, actually surprising) Yes, its Winehouse. Not doing it that well - like a child in a karaoke competition, to be honest - but (like the dog on hind legs) it's amazing you're seeing it at all. The trouble is she's clearly TRYING for it now. The one thing she always used to have was an air of effortlessness.

But perhaps that's just the nerves at coming back. And, seriously: Better her here, doing that, than to be covering her funeral.

9.20
Yet another break. This is, after all, commercial television. They're showing the advert for Heinz Microwave Beans - the ones which imply that, somehow, opening a ring-pull can and hearing on a stove is somehow a complex operation.

Mikey: assuming you come back at 9.50 and don't turn over for the next episode of Torchwood on BBC3... marks out of ten for tonights 'Wood?

And Random - an eight year old boy's haircut on a thirtysomething woman is an expensive undertaking indeed. Have you any idea how much it costs to scalp a child these days?

Daniel Merriweather. That's the bloke who did Stop Me. ON THE BRITS STAGE. Why? Why? It's like the BAFTAs giving stage space to a bloke from Hollyoaks.

Uh-oh - looks like Sharon just swore, and the seven second delay involved just slowing the tape down so she sounded like she was Godzilla. Some gag about Simon Cowell.

Ian McKellen off Coronation Street comes on, and does a joke about wanting to meet Mika. It falls rather flat.

9.25
But at least they don't have to slow it down.

The Arctic Monkeys have shown up to accept their award. Sell-outs! Sell-outs!

They're dressed as country gentlemen - To The Manor Born chic - although the joke actually makes them seem like they're the Kaiser Chiefs for some reason.

They've got a duck call and a decoy with them. If someone rushed on stage with a gun and a labrador, thay'd make it funnier.

Kelly is now introducing "my dera friend" Amy Winehouse - according to Mitch Winehouse and Closer, it's the Osbournes who are getting her straight. But would you really choose to kick heroin just to turn into Sharon? Hard to credit.

Doing Love Is A Losing Game, she looks quite awkward - not in the drug-era, about-to-topple-over way, but in a 'how does this work again' way? And she looks more like Gaynor Faye than ever.

9.30
"Make some noise for my husband, my Blake". Uh-oh.

Sharon's been allowed to introduce Alan Carr all on her own. She delivers the words - some joke about Ding Dong, obviously - with the panache of a 1980s text-to-speech programme.

So, who's got single of the year - voted for by the people who are watching this programme? (The world's most sophisticated electorate, expect for those voting for Man of the Match on Sky One.)

It's Take That - but apparently only just ahead of Leona Lewis; paradoxically, then, appearing live seems to have hurt rather than helped her.

Take That are now a little more drunk. But still quite polite. What is Alan Carr doing in the background with the two Osbourne women?

9.35
Sharon chases Take That off the stage - at least she's handy when you need to pick up the pace. Until she starts talking and goes waffling off again.

Vic Reeves has come on with what I think is the fifteenth prize that Sharon has described as the "big one". Reeves hasn't actually thought his bit through. And doesn't seem to know where he is. In these circumstances, its important to have a host who can smooth things over.

Osbourne Mere screeches and yells. Sharon keeps telling Vic to piss off as they fight over the winner. The Arctic Monkeys look a little frightened at having to go onstage while Osbourne shouts "pisshead" and Reeves tries to grab the card back.

This is how the BPI thinks they can sell records in the emerging markets.

The Monkeys roam about while Osbourne shouts "bloody hell... get a move on... what have they come as?" - apparently unaware she's wearing a microphone, and on live television.

9.40
The producers give up and cut from the stage to Fearne in a bid to try and keep to some sort of timings. It turns out they're keen to make sure that Paul McCartney's set splits nicely betweent ITV and ITV2. The one night of the year that News At Ten might stand a chance of giving the Ten O'Clock a run for its money, and they're scuttling its chances by pied-piper like leading away of half the audience.

Another break. Let's hope it's long enough for them to sort Sharon out. And maybe see if someone can find out what's happened to Ozzy, who we don't think we've seen for about an hour.

Ooh, there's a trail for the Tens - a desperate appeal for a missing child... full details after the Brits. That's not too tacky, then.

Paul McCartney's being lined up - and even Ozzy is back to introduce "Mr Sir Paul McCartney". As everyone else panics "not yet... not yet..." Yes, Ozzy's had one thing to do in sixty minutes, and fucks it up.

9.45
"She's a survivor like me..." - yes, Sharon's trying to introduce Kylie as if they're sisters under the skin. Kylie is the closest thing to a safe pair of hands the show's had on stage in a while (why hadn't she been asked to present the whole thing?).

Here's Macca, then, getting his first Brit Award, more or less. He's wearing a sensible coat, fully-buttoned up. Must be feeling the chill at his age.

"Thats it from us" says Kelly Osbourne; Sharon explains who Paul McCartney is like a headteacher forced to do a religious bit in assembly, and claims that Ozzy has played Paul's music every day she's known him. Considering he was off his skull for a large chunk of it, that seems a little unlikely - "I'll have some drugs, but I'll pop on Band On The Run first"?

Macca takes the stage to show why he's picking up the lifetime achievement award - and launches into recent fab-wacky-by-numbers plodder Dance Around. It's like DaVinci getting an innovation award and saying thank you by inventing a trouser press or something.

9.50
In other words: McCartney has, inarguably, written some bloody brilliant songs in his time - so why isn't he doing one of those instead of trying to push his most recent album?

This is a bit more like it - and by "it", we mean "that set he did at Glastobury a few years back" - Live And Let Die. He appears to have some fireworks for it, but mostly film of fireworks. Live And Let The Guy From Health And Safety Have A Look At The Plans, then.

9.55
Anonymous commenter - if the Osbournes had been any more over the place, they'd probably have announced McCarthy, and I think under the rules they'd have been obliged to play.

He's onto Hey Jude, now. You might have trouble hearing it over the sound of Yoko grinding her teeth. What's the betting in a couple of years they'll have to create some way of giving John a balancing prize, to be presented to, ooh, shall we say his widow? Not next year - that'd look too like a tit-for-tat. But we're betting on 2009.

10.00
So, what have we learned - as McCartney splits the audience into men and ladies for some singing of rounds, like at a church picnic? That the Osbournes were as bad as we'd feared - not wild, out of control, did-you-see-that-brilliant-thing wild, just half-arsed, bad-choice bad. Whoever parachuted Kelly and Jack in to prop them up probably deserves to be sent a box of thank you muffins from ITV - and how bad must something be if the presence of Kelly Osbourne makes things better?

The prizes didn't really go to anyone that surprising, but then the shortlist was uninspiring so that wasn't very surprising at all.

Kate Nash is less than we'd hoped; Mark Ronson is more charming than we'd expected; and Vic Reeves is never going to work again.

That wooshing sound you can hear? It's the 2008 Brit Awards ceremony vanishing into a vacuum. It felt less like the biggest night of music in the year, and more like that thing they do at kids parties where they show you some unrelated things on a tray, cover it up and see how many you can remmeber.

There was a duck... and, erm, a... was there a joke about bingo?

Brits nominations: gird yourself

The organisation themselves haven't got round to actually posting the details yet, but BBC News is reporting the Brits nominations include four for Mika - yes, four, even with the benefit of hindsight - and a similar number of nominations for Take That.

We're a little bemused as to which bright-eyed expert came up with the idea of holding a ceremony on the same day as the Golden Globes which - even in its strike-bound, released-terrorist-hostage-style press conference, still manages to eclipse Kelly Osbourne clumping through Mika's nominations.

The glittering event is "live" (except it's not) on ITV2 this evening, with Reggie 'even in the glittering history of Doctor Who bit parts, man, being on Brighton sea front briefly instead of held captive on the Master's ship, that was some bit part' Yeates.

Mika won't make it

Mika has pulled out of two London shows this week, on medical advice:

"I can only apologise... for the inconvenience and disappointment this postponement has caused.

"I thought after last night's performance I could do the shows, but this morning it was obvious I could not proceed. After consulting a specialist, I have been advised to rest my voice for a minimum of 48 hours.

"If I did not do this, I would risk long-term damage to my vocal cords," he said. "Thank you all for your continued support and understanding."

More inconvenience than disappointment, we'd suspect. Mika will play the gigs sometime in 2008, if anyone remembers who he was.

Mika: free to travel to Belguim

The ongoing dispute between an act who has been called Mika for twenty-five years and the pop act Mika has had a day in court: The original Mika has failed to get "Grace Kelly" Mika banned from going to Belguim.

Victoria Newton sees this as some sort of moral victory:

Reggae Mika remains adamant that the other Mika should change his name.

She said: “I am not suing him for any money, but for the principle and my name.

“I had it registered in 1983. He is ruining my career.”

I think she’s taking the Mik.

While our Mika — real name Mica Penniman — is a worldwide star, she’s not even a household name in her own country.

Interesting approach to intellectual property from Newton, there: apparently it doesn't matter if you've registered a trademark, what's important is how effective the person infringing your copyright has been. Presumably she'd have been on the side of Goliath, too, on grounds that he was so much taller.

Mika scuppers Boyzone

Not quite getting the point of being a songwriter for hire, Mika has thrown a hissy and refused permission for Boyzone to release a track he wrote for the marketplace.

Apparently, Ronan and his besuited chums came across the track, I Gave It All Away, and thought it would be perfect for their comeback single. You know, for the comeback that's "only" a Children In Need appearance for now. They recorded it, prepping it for a "the one-off reunion was such a magical experience we thought it would be fun to do some more work" announcement. Then Mika heard it, decided it was too cheesy, and refused to allow it to be released.

Apparently, Mika doesn't realise that every song he writes sounds as cheesy as the market stall in an Amish farm and the reason why the song sounded like that wasn't the artist, but the writer.

Victoria Newton twists the knife:

It sounds like a classic Boyzone song

Of course, as she's closer to Keating than a pair of rubber knickers in a sauna, she probably doesn't realise quite how insulting that is.

Celine Dion wins the world

The World Music Awards - older readers will remember these as an easy way for ITV to fill some of the deader night-time hours in the mid-1990s; laying claim to the "world" of the title solely by virtue of being held in a place that record company bosses fancied a tax-deductible trip to.

They're still going, you know. This year, they were in Monaco (lovely at this time of year, we understand), and they gave Celine Dion an award for "an outstanding contribution to music". And it's well deserved. She's not released an album for over 18 months, and the world of music really has been a better place for it.

Even more unlikely, Mika won five awards: new artist, male entertainer, pop/rock male artist and U.K. artist. These are, of course, awards handed out by the IFPI based on sales, so in a way you can't argue with them. But even so, let's argue with them: Mika? Are you serious?

Avril Lavigne - who, yes, we still feel has been eclipsed by the march of time - picked up bestselling pop/rock female artist and bestselling artist for the region of Canada.

Completing the comedy line-up, Akon took three prizes, although nothing for getting caught up in hilarious coincidences. Best male R&B artist, internet artist and artist from Africa were his prizes.

It says a lot about the IFPI worldview that "Canada" and "Africa" are both considered equal regions.

The other winners included:
* Pop Female – Rihanna
* Entertainer of the year – Rihanna
* Regional Award, U.S. – Justin Timberlake
* Regional Award, Australia – Silverchair
* Regional Award, China – Jay Chou
* Regional Award, Ireland – U2
* Regional Award, Middle East – Amr Diab
* Regional Award, Spain – Miguel Bose.
* Legend - Patti LaBelle

Live Music Awards also hung up on Winehouse

As if to prove that the Vodafone Live Music Awards are a buttock short of being half-arsed, not only did they throw it out on the same night as the MOBOs, but it got thrown completely into the shade by its urban rival.

The prize winners:

Best female live act: Amy Winehouse
Best male: Mika
Best production: Kylie Minogue Showgirl tour
Best live band: Arctic Monkeys
Breakthrough: Klaxons

Same winners as everyone else, then.

Taking the Mika

There's trouble brewing for Mika, as a Belgian reggae artist also called Mika has emerged, understandably miffed that her name has been pinched.

Victoria Newton, showing a surprisingly poor grip on trademark law, misses the point somewhat:

Reggae Mika has hardly set the charts alight.

She released debut single MLK in 1989 but it attracted little attention. If you want to buy it you can get it from her website for £2.

Her subsequent releases haven’t done much better.

In contrast our Mika burst on to the pop scene in January with No1 single Grace Kelly.

Just eight months later his debut album, Life In Cartoon Motion, has sold more than three million copies worldwide, including more than 900,000 in the UK, making it triple platinum.

It will come as something of a surprise at the Patent Office to discover that the rights to a trademark is now dependent on the price of singles sold by the trademark owners.

Having said that - is £2 for a twenty year old single really such a duff price? After all, if you pop over to Amazon, Mika singles turn out to be available from, erm, £1.10.

A whole new reason to despise Mika

We've been having stuttering web problems today - pages loading in three-quarters of the way, and then freezing, leaving us unable to navigate away or swap to a different tab. It took us a while, but then we realised what the common factor to all the broken pages were: they've got that stupid video for Mika's album embedded on the page. It's bad enough having his kipper-headed face thrust into our browser, but for him to then hold us hostage really takes the stupidly-voiced biscuit.

Mika's ears save everyone else's ears

The surprisingly pleased-with-himself Mika is taking a break from music in order to fight an ear infection.

Apparently, he can tell something is wrong with his ears because everytime he plays back his album, instead of hearing the epoch-framing work of art he's certain he recorded, he hears a collection of squeaky rejects from the Balamory musical.

I used to support you

Barry S emails us in response to Patrick Wolf's drubbing of Mika to raise a salient point:

um, this wouldn't be the same patrick wolf who supported mika during his
tour, at least at the dublin date i was at, earlier this year, would it?
because he seemed so /nice/ and complimentary at the time.

Funny how you can put up with anything when someone's giving you a leg-up, eh?

Wolf doesn't like Mika much

Patrick Wolf (the indie Mika) doesn't have much time for Mika (the mainstream Patrick Wolf). It's like Esau and Jacob. Wolf blogs:

"Mika is a twat
"and what I meant was

Please lets put an end to

over marketed, expensive heartless

tacky rubbish, autotune, airbrush

should i market myself to look OUTRAGEOUS and kooky or would
it be easier if I sold records by playing safe and serene
and for the family

to save more record sales. Cliff richard. enrique iglesias.
mutton dressed as lamb."

Harsh words, and no the less stinging just because they're delivered by the bloke in the Burberry advert.

GlastOn TV

Sweeping The Nation has been watching Glastonbury on the BBC:

[A] lot of message boards seem to be bellyaching about the standard of the presenting but we see no real difference from any other year, and this afternoon Lauren was on rare form like we haven't seen her on prime-time telly for years.

We've also seen a lot of people suggesting that the event is "missing John Peel", but to be honest, we never felt comfortable watching Peel presenting Glastonbury in the past; as he himself would admit, live TV wasn't really his thing and most of his links have off the air of a man who'd much rather have been stood quietly at the back of a tent watching music than throwing to the Stereo MCs set on BBC2.

Back in the present, the Manics turn up and show a hint of what the future might hold for Pete Doherty; the fire in the belly long since replaced with something more showbizzy, working the crowd instead of rousing the rabble. On those terms, the band are right on form at the moment, although watching middle-aged men performing in front of a massive picture of teenage girls in hotpants is a bit of a queasy moment; like some of the reactions to Jonathan in Big Brother, although it's an innocent gesture, it has enough of a creepy air to it to make you wonder if they thought it through.

The Rakes are doing 22 Grand Job, but there's an air of a band whose moment has passed about them. Maybe if there'd been a festival last year, they'd have managed to keep some momentum to build upon; even they seem to have know this is probably a wake.

Oh, look... here come people dressed as animals. It's Mika's set, and alongside the contents of a badly stocked Fancy Dress Store and the inflatable ladies, Mika is bouncing, bouncing, bouncing. He's trying very, very hard. But all the effort is visible, like whatever the opposite of a swan paddling under the water would be - a fish struggling in a net? He's trying to sell a sizzle, but can't disguise there's no steak there.

The Kaiser Chiefs fans seem to perk up the wetter and wetter their heroes get, although that might be because they get wetter as the set goes on, and the longer they play, the closer they get to their decent songs.

Surprisingly, Mark Ronson turns out to be much more fun to watch being interviewed than playing music. As he's talking to Zane Lowe and Edith Bowman (who's wearing her Ermintrude hat right up to the last), you find yourself thinking "this guy is really funny, and charming, and warm. Why don't we like his music?" Then, you swap to a stream where he's murdering The Zutons' Valerie, and you remember.