The lions will eat him: Russell Lissack

Now, as rock and roll injuries go, being bitten by a lion is quite cool. It's only slightly diminished by Russell Lissack having been in an animal sanctuary when it happened.

Still a bloody lion, though.

Noel Gallagher: Oh, it fair put the wind up me

You'll recall that Noel Gallagher did a flip-flop over whether he wanted to appear in court to provide a witness impact statement about how it felt to be pushed over on stage. In the end, he just sent a letter:

"I would describe the sudden impact and shock as feeling as if I had been hit by a bus," Gallagher said in his statement.

"I ended up in a heap on the floor."

People who have been hit by buses confirm that, indeed, getting smacked by fifteen tons of metal is very similar to being nudged by a drunk bloke.

"The promotional work in connection with the launch of the new album was very important to its success and early sales momentum. This opportunity was lost," Gallagher said as he described the impact of the missed appearances.

"The emotional impact it had on me was essentially coping with the pressure to perform so as not to let the band down."

It's a bit rich to blame the crappy sales of the album on Noel getting pushed over - you can see why he didn't want to come and deliver that line in person. And given this is meant to be an impact statement, "essentially coping with the pressure to perform so as not to let the band down" doesn't seem to be that much of an emotional strain - isn't that the job description?

Gallagher does say he's suffered pain as a result:

The incident, despite months of rehabilitation and doses of pain killers, has left him with ongoing pain that he is forced to "grin and bear," he said.

"From time to time I still feel painful twinges," Gallagher said in a victim impact statement read in court Tuesday.

"I have been told that I will never really recover from the damage to my ribs."

Oddly, he doesn't say by whom. And there are some doctors who say that while ribs can heal, they never heal to be as good as they were before, so Noel may very well have a point.

Outside the courtroom, there were other - equally considered - impact statements:

"I personally think that this incident is responsible for Oasis breaking up because of all the momentum that was lost," said Paul Benoit

You might think this is just ill-informed speculation, but Paul is an insider:

...who was working as a caterer at the festival the night of the attack.

Back in the court, sentencing of Daniel Sullivan was deferred again, until April 21st.

[Thanks again to Alice P for keeping us up-to-date with the Canadian court action]

Kelly Osbourne: The dangerous dogs act

Kelly Osbourne is, says the Dogs Examiner, currently wearing her arm in a sling:

While visiting her mother, Kelly attempted to break up a dog fight. In the process, she fractured her elbow.

There are, sadly, no further details about how this might have happened, so anyone claiming that the fight was a set-up - and as soon as Kelly came over a chihuahua knelt down behind her and a labrador pushed Kelly - is just making stuff up.

Argos breaks back for art

Ouch. Eddie Argos is on the strong painkillers and (probably) sleeping on a bit of board after throwing his back out in Amsterdam:

"We were in Amsterdam and I completely collapsed in a restaurant. I was carried out crying," Argos said.

Actually, something similar to that once happened to me in Amsterdam, although I wound up going down a metal spiral staircase backwards. But for Eddie, this was the after-effects of dancing, not spendingtoolongdrinkinghotchocolate:

"The doctor said anything can bring it on--stress or unusual movements. And I said, 'Like skipping with a microphone lead on stage? Would that have done it? Is that an unusual movement?' I was just showing off a bit on stage."

I like the idea of the doctor going to pull out a medical journal and checking before confirming that, yes, skipping with a lead on stage is an unusual movement.

Get well soon, Eddie.

Gordon in the morning: The low groan on the treadmill is the sound of Madonna being shattered

What's this? Has Virginia Wheeler had second thoughts about Madonna's "adoption"?

Madge is unfit mother

Has Virginia considered the reasons why plucking a child, labeling him or her an "orphan", taking them from their family and pushing them into the arms of a nanny or two, might be bad for the child, however good it makes the 'adopter' look?

No, of course not:

MADONNA’S tour of African orphanages was suspended yesterday after she twisted her ankle falling off a treadmill.

[Footage of Michael Parkinson looking concerned unavailable at this time]

Yes, a treadmill. In Malawi. Why do you find that strange?

The singer, 50, had gym equipment specially flown to Malawi so she could keep fit.

Does anyone remember Madonna taking part in Live Earth? Something about trying to reduce our carbon footprints? Perhaps she was flying in orphan-powered treadmills on planes that floated on the power of Kabbalah alone.

Our local expert on Africa has confirmed that, while some nations on the continent lag behind richer Western nations in infrastructure, Malawi does possess long, flat surfaces upon which those keen to have a little jog could have a little jog. "The other advantage of running on the ground," he observed, "is that it's much harder to fall off."

Also falling over yesterday was Matthew Horne out of Little & Wise. He collapsed on stage during a performance of Entertaining Mr Sloane. Man falls over? That's quite a big story, isn't it? Who's going to write it down?

By SARA NATHAN

Yes, the TV editor. Horne is on television. All the bloody time. Of course. But this is a big story. Can Sara handle it on her own?

, GORDON SMART

Naturally Gordon must help with the story. He knows a lot about... he's... he has expertise to share.

But hang about... Sara is a busy TV editor from London's Wapping, and Gordon has many demands on his time. Those shots of a man in a cardigan looking awkward don't take themselves. We're actually going to need someone to write the story, aren't we?

and JAMES CLENCH

Good. The team's all here. Two editors and a person who has access to a keyboard. A superpowered reporting team. They'll be able - between them - to gain access to secret sources and entertainment deep throats to bring coverage of this man falling over that the general public would never be able to tap into. Hit us with your discoverage, SaraGordonJames:

His MySpace page yesterday said he was “drained”.

Lady GaGa will smack your teeth out

That must have led to observers saying 'that's gotta hurt':

One of Lady GaGa knocked out one of her dancers' teeth during a US radio performance yesterday (March, 31).

The singer got a little over-excited during the set for New York radio station Party 105 and unintentionally hit the backing dancer with her mic, resulting in her losing three teeth.

Still, at least it was in a good cause, dancing for a radio performance. Presumably GaGa - like the audience - hadn't seen the dancer was there.

Mark E Smith: Broken hip priest

Somehow I'd managed to miss the news that Mark E Smith had broken his hip, until he returned to stage using a wheelchair. He's going to be sitting down during the Koko gig as well.

To be frank, it might be a bit safer for him to do the gigs from a sitting position.

Anti-Flag: Watch out, you'll do yourself an injury

Ouch.

Justin Sane attempted to stage dive during Anti-Flag's Norwich date earlier in the week.

Nobody caught him. He broke his collarbone, and scuppered the band's UK tour.

Brown bottled off

Josh Homme thinks he's got problems. It's one thing to have people throw stuff at you at a festival, but when the audience is tossing bottles at you when you're headlining, something's gone hugely awry.

That's what happened to Ian Brown - bottled off stage at his own gig in Sheffield, and left with a nasty eye injury. He still turned up to do his Isle Of Wight set yesterday, though, in the unlikely position of hoping for a better reception from a field audience.

British Sea Ow, ow, ow

Normally, a band member can be fairly certain if he tries to stage-dive that the fans will be there to catch him. Not if you're just the keyboard and cornet player, though: British Sea Power's Phil Sumner dived at the Leeds Irish Centre. Nobody caught him. Bang! He was knocked unconscious.

And broke a molar. He's going to be fine, though - some stitches, and he's back behind the keyboards. But with a valuable lesson learned.