Dappy kind-of sorry about having taken meow meow

I'm not sure I entirely believe Dappy's admission on GMTV this morning that he's taken Meow Meow, as nobody who really used that drug would surely ever use that name, right? It's like a smackhead saying "oh, yeah, I'm addicted to poppyfluff."

Still, he's mumbled about how he shouldn't have done it - although when he did it, it wasn't illegal, so it's surely just down to him having made a stupid choice. And Dappy doing something stupid is hardly news, is it?

According to Twitter, Dappy's attempts to turn the story into a learning moment might have flopped a bit:

Was just watching the news lol dappy from n dubz on drugs! And he said every young person has to try it to know they dont like it LOLLL

[via @93Alan]

So... you shouldn't take drugs, except for when you take them to find out you don't like them. Not apparent yet what Dappy thinks young people should do if they had a bit of crack to see if they liked it, and found out that they did. I'm sure he's still thinking it through, people. Give him time.

Darkness at 3AM: Dude plucks hair like a lady, apparently

The 3AMies do seem to be quite serious here:

Preening Gmtv presenter Andrew Castle is proud to admit he wears make-up but may be a little too metrosexual. Andrew, 44, (or is that Andrea?) tells Closer magazine: "I'm not ashamed to say I've invested in nasal hair trimmers."

Oh, he plucks the hair from his nose. He must be a girl if he does that. Ha ha, is he called AndreA? Ha ha ha. Ha. Ha.

Mills' infiltration plans fall apart

Heather Mills' super-secret plans to infiltrate the powerful and rich to make everyone do her bidding seems to have hit a snag. While GM-TV were happy to run interviews (more like pieces-to-camera, to be honest) when she was sobbing about her nasty divorce, it turns out they're less keen to let her use the sofa to promote her vegan interests.

The Mirror's Nicola Methven is relieved:

She'd only urge everyone to drink rat's milk. Yuck!

Not, surely, for a vegan campaign, Nicola?

Heather Mills murdered

Oh, hang about, she hasn't been; it's just another squawky over-reaction from the one-woman self-pity machine. "Murdered by the media." She's now decided that she's no longer like Kate McCann or Diana, instead she's more like Sydney Cook:

"I don't think anything can prepare you for being treated worse than a murderer or a paedophile when all you have done in 17 years is charity work."

She does seem to have forgotten the celebrity dancing contests, the high-profile marriage to a Beatle and, erm, that she didn't start her charity work until after her accident 14 years ago.

But she's still lying about the Kate McCann comparison:

I never said I compared myself to the McCanns and they (the Press) said I did," she said.

Perhaps someone should gently sit her down and play her her own GM-TV appearance, where she said:

I am trying and I am being pushed to the edge. Eighteen months of abuse. Worse than murderers and paedophiles. 4,400 abusive articles. Look what they’re doing to the McCanns. The woman and the poor father have lost their daughter. What are we doing as a nation? What are we doing persecuting a woman that is devastated behind closed doors and trying to hold it together as I have for eighteen months.

To try and deny you said something on national TV - twice - seriously undermines your case if you're setting yourself up as a critic of false reporting.

Mills then suggests that her mauling at the hands of the press is because she's some sort of revolutionary hero of our times:

"I'm a woman who puts fear into men who want to control women," she said.

"If you look at every single person in the history of the world who has tried to make a difference, you'll find a very long section of their lives where they were treated horrifically by the government or by the media."

But since Mills' campaigns have been strictly limited - a well-meaning but woolly spot of vegetarianism here, worthy but hardly radical work for landmine clearance and disabled people - it's hard to imagine that there's a secret bunker in Whitehall where civil servants are quaking at the very mention of her name. Indeed, a more fitting comparison for Mills, rather than Sylvia Pankhurst or Rosa Luxembourg, would be, say, Paul Danan. Or maybe it's part of the conspiracy that Danan has been dumped from panto in Preston after swearing at the Christmas lights switch-on. Oh no he didn't. Oh, yes, he did.

Meanwhile, Heather has been expressing her disgust at rich people:

"Sadly, you have to mix at a certain level of people to raise the level of funds you need to bring about the greater good," she said.

"Because people are very snobby - these people who have lots of money, they're either snobby or they're stingy.

"If you have lots of money you have to be stingy because why would you that amount of money."

See! She's only rubbing shoulders with the wealthy because she's gone undercover on our behalf to change the world. God, how she hates the constant fine dinners, the stream of exquisite wines, and the laughter of the rich. Really, she's just waiting for the time when she can bring the whole edifice crashing down with TRUTH and a few well-placed tears.

Now, this might make her seem rather two-faced, and one does wonder how, the next time she's sneaked her way into the belly of the aristocracy the rich and powerful will feel about her knowing she's told the world she only pretends to like them to milk them dry.

So where does Dancing With The Stars fit in? And her attempts to scoop up large piles of divorce cash?

It's all part of the plan:

"But you have to be able earn a certain living and be able to mix in that arena to influence those people and kind of drag that out of them to actually make a change and make them realise that's what's really exciting about life."

See? She has to be rich, otherwise she couldn't get into the palaces and castles and manors, and sleep on their Egyptian cotton sheets, and eat their organic scrambled eggs, and play deck quoits with the sons of Earls and sisters of novelists and... sorry, what was she doing it for again?

Indeed, if we can raise ten million quid for her, she might be able to infiltrate their luxurious country piles deeply enough to bring about a proletarian revolution by Christmas. Send money now.

Mills: The media is just beastly

Sobbing on the GMTV sofa, Heather Mills tells how terrible the media has been to her:

“I have been offered nothing, OK? Nothing! We go to court over my daughter. I’m not allowed to talk about it because it’s a criminal act if I talk about my daughter. You have no idea what’s going on. These figures are made up. £100 million, £50 million, £20 million … How do you know if I even want any money? I’m £1.5 million in debt in lawyer’s fees. And that’s as much as I can say or I go to jail for telling the truth. So I’m gagged at the moment because I’m not allowed to say a word while the media are fed this spin by a certain corner.”

How do we know if she wants any money... hmmm, perhaps because if you didn't, it's unlikely that there would be constant deal-or-no-deal meetings in court. Unless we're expected to believe that McCartney is trying to force money on Heather and she's trying to argue her way out of it?

So, there's a big court order banning Mills from "talking about her daughter", then. Only, when she's asked if Paul is trying to enforce a permanent ban on her doing media interviews, she snorts:

“It’s rubbish! I could sell my story right now. I’m trying to protect Paul and our daughter.”

So, she could sell her story right now despite it being a "criminal act" if she talks about her daughter. That makes sense, then.

And then Mills just gets weird:

My sister was crying her eyes out because that awful Jordan and Peter Andre did a joke on Sunday and I’ve had six amputee girls crying their eyes out because they’re getting bullied at school because people are joking about the loss of my limb. Jonathan Ross said, ‘She’s such an effing liar. We’ll find out she’s got two legs instead of one'.”

Ross called you a "fucking liar"? Really? When? Or are you, you know, making things up in the media? And even if the "crying amputee girls" are being bullied because of you (and are there really children who wouldn't bully kids different from themselves until Mills started divorce proceedings?), isn't there something horribly cynical about throwing them into a GMTV interview?

But that's not as low as Mills sinks: she then compares herself to the dead of Hillsborough:

“I’m not fighting the press, I’m going to the European Parliament. And we’ll change the law like I did with a group of like-minded people where they have to have responsible journalism! They’ve pushed so many people over the edge. Extraordinary people have written to me. Look at Hillsborough; look at them saying, ‘They looted the pockets of the dead bodies’ when they were trying to find IDs to find out who they are! They urinated all over them.

She went on to say: “My plan is to change the law in the European Parliament and I will do it. I’m fed up with a specific portion of the media. Some of them are still supportive, but some of them that are abusing me. I will investigate every single one of those journalists.”

Every single one, eh? Blimey. You're going to be busy.

The Times isn't exactly quaking in its boots:

She directed viewers to the website youk.com to find out more about her petition. Times Online was unable to find any reference to the campaign on the site.

We can understand Mills being frustrated by the way the media portrays her, but this isn't the correct response. Comparing herself to, say, the McCanns - and she does - and the attempt to elevate her victimhood to martyrdom has the net result of leaving herself looking absurd.

Oddly, despite the media being so terrible, she has, you know, used it to her advantage:

For six years, when I lost my leg, I was the model that overcame adversity, inspired other amputees to get on with their lives. Front page of all the newspapers. The Sun, "Model of Courage". They serialised my book. I told my whole life story in my book. It all went to charity. The Sun had it there. I talked about my glamour modeling when I was a teenager.

Ah, but apparently, this doesn't count because she was doing it for charidee:

I haven't used the press for anything except my charity. When did I promote a record? When did I act for anything?

Um... Dancing With The Stars? Guest-hosting Larry King Live? Doing, ooh, GMTV interviews?

[UPDATE: Thanks to all the commenters who pointed out that Ross did, actually, call Mills a liar. Sorry we didn't believe you, Heather. And the Times has explained the uk.com website]