Ariana Grande against rabies controls

Clearly, Ariana Grande never saw mid-80s Saturday night drama The Mad Death, otherwise she might not be quite so blasé about trying to bring her dogs to Britain.

Not that we're suggesting Grande's dogs would necessarily be rabid, but after P&O refused to let her take the dogs on a ferry, she certainly was. A hapless P&O official tried to explain to her that without the proper paperwork, her dogs wouldn't be able to get into the UK, and... well, Grande isn't used to hearing no, it turns out:

"I begged him to let me go through, he laughed at me and said no again... I kept telling him and showing him again that the dogs were fully vaccinated and were 100% vaccinated in order to enter the UK and then, I screamed!!!," she wrote.

"I had done every ridiculous task he demanded of me... and at this point he said he would call the police and have me arrested if I tried to go through... I told him to call them and to arrest me, because that was the only way I was not getting on the ferry."

Grande doesn't seem to understand how boarding ferries even works from this, but it gets worse for Ariana, as having challenged them to arrest her, they took her at her word. Suddenly, Ariana is getting what she asked for, and she still isn't happy:

She said that after running back on to the tour bus with the dogs, "suddenly, the bus driver appeared and said that there were men outside the bus to arrest me"

"I collected myself, took a deep breath and ran out yelling: 'Take me away with the dogs and I will sue you for abuse and harassment'... I told them that they were wrong, they were targeting Americans, they were abusing their authority... they laughed....

"At this point, one man in a yellow jacket said to me, 'If you take the dogs, when you arrive in Dover, they will be killed!' ... I actually thought I disengaged from my body as tears started streaming down my face, and I felt as if I were losing my mind!!! I told him that they would have to kill me first and we would see what the US embassy would say about that."

"Mr Ambassador? Sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, sir, but the British Customs people have shot and killed Ariana Grande. Yes, sir, it's a Code Streisand. Shall I do a quick find-and-replace on that statement we prepared the last time Mariah Carey visited?"

Fortunately, a vet was found in Calais who was able to process the proper paperwork, and the American embassy didn't have to face such a nightmare scenario; Grande and her dogs were reunited, and nobody at all had to face this sort of thing:

The most shocking aspect of this horrifying affair? Ariana Grande was catching a ferry.

Venue bars singer's dog; nobody seems to mind very much

Nell Bryden played Komedia in Brighton the other night. She was going to have her dog - a cockapoo, if you're making notes - backstage, but the venue has a policy of not allowing dogs. So her husband took the dog elsewhere.

Somehow, the Argus has made a story out of this, despite it even barely qualifying as an anecdote.

But fans said she did not let it spoil her performance.

Yes. Not like that time Bono's labradoodle was barred from Wembley Arena and he forgot all the words to With Or Without You, and ran offstage after four songs crying "I can't do it, not knowing that my dog isn't backstage."

Frank Turner now only a pony short of a show

Who would you call upon to judge a dog show?

Yeah, not sure I'd have gone with Frank Turner, either, but an event in Winchester thought he fitted the bill.

Is he a passionate dog owner or something?

“I love dogs but because of my job I can’t have one. I would like to spend all day with them,” he said.

I don't think any of us would mind very much if Frank decided to quit the day job and spend all day with dogs instead. In fact, I think everyone involved would see that as some sort of a result.

There is a serious element to this, though - the site of the show, North Walls Rec Ground in Winchester, is under threat. The Tory council wants to build a leisure centre on the green space - cunningly, removing a free, outdoor sports facility in exchange for an indoor one that you pay to use.

Find out more about the campaign to save North Walls.

Gordon in the morning: Liam on a dog

There's a story from Jack Royston on Bizarre today that has lead the MSPaint whizzes at The Sun to come up with this, erm, image:

Apparently, then Liam got so drunk he tried to ride a dog. Although for some reason the newspaper has photoshopped him trying to shag the back of a dog's head.

He also tried to do a runner from the pub, Ye Olde White Bear in Hampstead And Highgate's trendy Hampstead, before settling the bill:

The manager, who asked not to be named, chased Liam down the street, waving the bill. He said: “After £300 of drink you forget things. He was happy to pay straight away when I caught up with him.”

Yes, manager of Ye Olde White Bear in Hampstead. You retain your anonymity by not letting them use your name.

Fiona Apple cancels her tour

You'd have to have a heart of stone - the coldest, coldest stone - to not have a lump in your throat when you read Fiona Apple's note cancelling her tour dates:

"I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship. I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.

"Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.

"I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments. I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.

"Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known."

Janet, the rescue dog she's had since she was four months old (since the dog was, not since Fiona was), is terribly ill with a tumour.

What better day than thanksgiving to hug your friends, whether they have two or four legs, or more, or fewer?

Gordon in the morning: Gordon goes to the GQ awards

The superclash - Booker Shortlist, Mercury and GQ Awards all happening around the same time - was going to create a loser. And that would be the GQ Awards. Guess which one Gordon went to?

He did manage to get a scoop, though:

YOU might imagine a summer holiday for Bono involves sleeping in an oxygen tent at Cannes or counting his collection of hats.

But at the GQ Awards last night the U2 frontman confessed to a far less glamorous activity — walking his new pet dog around Dublin.

Yes, in return for the hire of an ill-fitting dinner jacket, Gordon got a story that Bono has a bought a doggy.

Here's the painful list of winners for the prize, awarded by a magazine that some of you might remember from the 1980s:

International Man – Bradley Cooper
Lifetime Achievement – Duran Duran
Woman – Lara Stone
Band – U2
Sportsman – Rory McIlroy
Politician – George Osborne
Designer – Tommy Hilfiger
Actor – Benedict Cumberbatch
Solo Artist – Tinie Tempah
Music – Hugh Laurie
Writer – Keith Richards
TV Personality – Professor Brian Cox
Comedian – Rob Brydon
Chef – Heston Blumenthal
Editor's Special – Bill Nighy
Tanqueray Most Stylish Man – Matt Smith
Help for Heroes – The Armed Forces
Inspiration – Mario Testino
Surprise Award: Man of Next Year – Lord Sebastian Coe

You would have to agree; George Osborne is every bit as good a politician as Keith Richards is a writer.

Gordon in the morning: Alleged victim support

Gordon pulls off something of a journalistic coup this morning, taking a story about an alleged serious crime and somehow ending up with the image of a dog shitting on Robbie Williams' head.

Gordon claims that - being mates - after hearing about the business outside her house earlier this week, Williams was straight on the phone to Joss Stone to invite her over in order to cheer her up.

Given that there was a whole lot of space to pad out, and even if News International lawyers might be a bit shaky on privacy law they're at least sharp on speculation about cases currently before the courts, Gordon was left trying to imagine how Robbie Williams might go about cheering up Joss Stone:

He is still very protective of her and no doubt did his Alan Partridge impressions in a bid to get a smirk out of her.

Er, no doubt. Let's hope he didn't do the bit where Alan is chased through a rural landscape by the mentalist, though.

Still, you can't entirely take away the sting of a tough week just by pretending to be Steve Coogan. What other comic gems does Robbie have in his arsenal, Gordon?

Resting his dogs on his head is another of his trademark gags.

I'm not entirely sure I can even picture what that might mean. Obviously, I can picture it, but not in any way that makes me go "oh, that's a gag."

Gordon, clearly, also realises that it's an act which might need something:

But that's only funny if one follows through, surely?

Thus we go from true crime to the idea of dog crap sliding down Robbie Williams' face. Surely the Pulitzer Committee are watching?

Gordon in the morning: Dog days

Sadly, this doesn't appear to be Gordon Smart's April Fool - a claim that Victoria Beckham's dog looks like Harvey Keitel:

Aside from the fur, claws, tail and wet black nose, Coco the Bulldog was the spitting image of a holidaying Harvey in snaps of them wearing near-identical shades.

The sunglasses evoke memories of the veteran's career-high role in QUENTIN TARANTINO's ultra-violent 1992 flick Reservoir Dogs.

Yes, Gordon. If you ignore the fact one is a dog, and one is a man, they both look like creatures wearing sunglasses.

Is this the worst lookalike ever? Even Gordon's claim that the sunglasses are "near-identical" isn't right.

Gordon in the morning: Dachshund news

Who knew that Liam Gallagher loved little dogs so much? Turns out he does:

He ranted: "Extinction of sausage dogs? I will prevent that! When I'm back in England I am gonna buy 900 of them. I am gonna prevent them from downfall."

He's not, but it is a lovely image of Liam trying to take 900 dogs for a walk.

It does appear that dachshunds are suffering as Germans turn to other breeds. The 2007 report from Der Spiegel also offers this little nugget:

And the Japanese national football team brought one to Germany for the 2006 World Cup as a mascot. They called him Erwin Rommel, after the German World War II field marshal, who was also known as the "Desert Fox."

The Japanese world cup team had a mascot named after a Nazi? Was that entirely wise?

Back in Primrose Hill, Liam stops being interesting and starts to bang on about how he used to be in Oasis, you know:

"Thinking about touring with Oasis again in ten years makes me vomit. What should a reunion be good for? Why break up with a band, just to come back together and play old songs?"

Gordon has a suggestion:

I reckon about £10million is a decent reason.

Did Mr Smart just backtalk Liam? I think he did.

Gordon in the morning: Liam in the dog house

Poor Liam Gallagher. You know things must be grim for him when even Gordon is running a publicity photo he's put out and - effectively - pointing and laughing. It's like a monsignor snarking at the Pope:

Liam posed for this terrible publicity shot to launch the pooch-loving event with Nicole, their Dachshund Ruby Tuesday, and the resident vet from TV's This Morning, MARC ABRAHAM.

It's worse than IGGY POP doing the Swiftcover ads.

There's no doubt Liam and Nicole's intentions are good in publicising the charity event on behalf of the Kennel Club.

But it looks a bit low rent for a man of his standing.

Given that he's just the bloke who used to be in a band that haven't really done anything worth the candle since the turn of the century, I'd say that a dog-and-pony show (albeit without a pony) would be more or less on the money. Why would pushing a puppy-off be any more awful than his day job of selling awful trousers?

The dog that bit Vanessa Carlton won't die

Some good news: Bella won't be killed, despite having bitten Vanessa Carlton.

The pit-bull had been due to be euthanised on Friday, after his owner said he was unable to afford the requirements for keeping a pitbull that's already had a taste of mid-market musician blood. The State was afraid that they couldn't guarantee that Bella wouldn't start hunting down Michelle Branch next.

Neighbours and friends - of the dog, presumably, rather than wispy female-lit-lite singer-songwriters - have stepped in to fund the necessary safeguards.

Bookmarks - Internet stuff: Juliana Hatfield

Juliana Hatfield takes to the Huffington Post to call for help with stray dogs in Puerto Rico:

Strays are referred to as "satos" in Puerto Rico. "Sato" is a derogatory term for "street dog" and usually refers to mutts. Purebred dogs are generally more highly valued on the island. Many islanders treat the satos as a nuisance, as pests, vermin to be kicked away. Satos are routinely abused -- poisoned, shot, beaten, cut by knives, burned by acid or hot oil or boiling water, deliberately hit by cars -- or simply neglected, left to fend for themselves. And, on their own, they breed; strays are born to strays and the problem literally grows.

Kelly Osbourne: The dangerous dogs act

Kelly Osbourne is, says the Dogs Examiner, currently wearing her arm in a sling:

While visiting her mother, Kelly attempted to break up a dog fight. In the process, she fractured her elbow.

There are, sadly, no further details about how this might have happened, so anyone claiming that the fight was a set-up - and as soon as Kelly came over a chihuahua knelt down behind her and a labrador pushed Kelly - is just making stuff up.

Young Jeezy desperate to see dog-slaughterer playing ball

You can forgive Young Jeezy a little, as it's clear he's never quite had a fully-formed thought complete a journey all the way along a synapse - but is he really so keen to see animal-torturing git Michael Vick back as if nothing happened?

"That's my dude.I just talked to Michael Vick. Welcome back. I'mma just be real. I'm not saying this to be funny. I know 'em all, from Pacman Jones to Michael Vick. Sometimes keeping it real becomes keeping it dumb. It's hard enough in that position that they in. You can't keep a good dude down. He bounced back. We gonna wish him the best and tell him to stay out the strip club unless you're rolling with me."

Is Jeezy really suggesting that it's somehow the pressure of "keeping it real" that led Vick to spend six years torturing animals for money?

Perhaps sensing that splashing about in the blood of dead dogs might be a bad look, Jeezy attempts a soft backpedal:

"But you know what, I got dogs, so I feel the pet owners,"

Perhaps Jeezy is hoping that by implying he assumes that Vick's crimes were on a par with leaving a dog in a hot car on a warm day for a few minutes, the world won't conclude that he's got the empathic powers of a sun-baked rock.

If that was the plan, he then blows it by trying to suggest that making dogs fight for money, and slaughtering those that fail, is something to do with background:

"But sometimes we as a people, we come up harsh and rugged and we get excitement out of things like that, and it might not be the right thing. I don't think it was worth him losing everything he had and not being able to take care of his people around him. He was punished. He went to jail. A lot of cats don't even go to jail. But he went to jail, did his time, he's home. He paid his debt to society. Give him a football and some Gatorade, and let's get it."

A lot of cats don't go to jail. Nor do a lot of dogs, although a lot of dogs do end up dead under Michael Vick's patio.

Let's not give him a football, eh? Let's make him try and do something that can give some value to the world instead of showering him with money and pretending that he didn't kill a lot of dogs.

Luckily, it seems the people who run NFL football teams have higher standards than Jeezy, and nobody is rushing to pick up the contract for the dog-murdering Vick.

Or we could just make Vick and Jeezy play football together. In a large field of hungry, angry dogs.

Hold the front page...

We were delighted to hear that Bono has recovered from his parasitic worm infection, joy only slightly diminished by the discovery they were talking about a dog.

Gordon in the morning: Some things hurt more, much more than cars and girls

Lewis Hamilton and Dannii Minogue are having a secret date. It's on May 25th, in Monaco.

Admittedly, that's not very secret, is it?

It's also not very much of a story - despite a hopeful headline:

Get a vroom will you Lewis!

... the pair are still almost two months away from their first date, never mind touching. So there's a surprising amount of padding. We discover that Dannii "knows a lot" about cars - although there's no mention of how much Hamilton might know about second-string sibling pop. Of course, Dannii has breasts, which is always good for a line or two:

Nice to see she’s playing her cards close to her ample chest.

And, of course, Gordon needs to share his forecast for this relationship:

Lewis clearly knows his way around shiny bodywork and Dannii is in pole position. I reckon this pair could burn some serious rubber together.

Yes, they might screw each other, Gordon. Thanks for your insight.

But if 'couple arrange tentative date' is the big news, what does that imply about the rest of Gordon's work this morning?

Sexy stars and their lucky dogs

Yes, Gordon spends some time looking at photos of people with their dogs and tries to introduce a slightly disturbing sex angle:

IF I get reincarnated, I want to come back as a dog - they grab the attention of some of the world's sexiest stars.
[...]
So I'm praying it's a dog's life for me next time round.

But, Gordon, you know it's not like Jennifer Aniston has sex with her dog, or that Rhianna's dog doesn't think "waa-heeey" - because it's a different species. You do know that, don't you?

RIHANNA's lucky hound looks hot under the collar after being held tight by the singer when she stepped out in Hollywood.

Apparently not. The thing is, the dog in the photo doesn't even look like it's anything other than slightly scared, never mind "hot under the colour".

The curious incident of the dog in the night-time

Always happy for a new way to blacken the name of Heather Mills - dubbed Lady Mucca because of the desperate need to rubbish her at every turn - The Sun is now claiming she kills dogs.

Or, at least, they've given space to one of Mills' neighbours who claims the death of her dog was caused by Mills' firework party:

The 20 minutes of bangs and flashes — which came without warning in a quiet rural area — also caused 15 of her horses to stampede in terror, as animal rights activist Mucca and pals sipped champagne.

See? Sipping champagne while she went round killing dogs and upsetting horses. Does the woman have any shame?

Although, of course, the dog died from bloat on Sunday morning, rather than "from fear" during the Saturday night, and canine gastric dilation-torsion seems to be caused more by breeding and the way the animal eats than by the creature being stressed. It is, of course, horrible to lose a pet; it may even be that the fireworks played some role in increasing the discomfort of the animal's last hours. But it's surprising to see a national newspaper working a terrible coincidence up into a story of this sort.

DMX's dogs dead

Dead dogs have been discovered at DMX's home by Maricopa County Sheriff's Office, who called round following a tip-off about animal cruelty. Other dogs were taken into care:

[Sheriff Joe Arpaio] Arpaio said the deputies who served a search warrant at the home Friday seized 12 pit bulls tied up on the property and took them to an old jail that has been converted into an animal shelter.

Deputies found the buried dogs when they dug up the back yard. One had apparently been burned and the cause of death on the others was unknown because the bodies were decomposing.

DMX's people are trying to distance himself from badly-treated pitbulls:

Simmons' lawyer, Murray Richman, said Simmons hasn't been in Arizona for at least two months and was "extremely disturbed" to hear the animals weren't being cared for properly.

"We had a caretaker that wasn't taking care, that's what happened," Richman said. "He loves dogs - he loves these animals. Those dogs are practically his family."

So, they're "practically family" to DMX, only he hasn't visited them for over two months and hadn't even checked how they were doing. Presumably he wouldn't treat his mother like that, would he?

Oh, hang about:

In 1999, he was arrested on charges of stabbing and shooting his mother. He was eventually cleared.

In 2002, DMX was convicted of animal cruelty over the condition of 13 pitbulls. It's not clear why he was considered a suitable person to keep animals after this.

DMX dogged by pants dog pants

What's the cost of dignity? If you're DMX, it's just under a quarter of a million dollars - that's how much court has ordered him to pay Amusing Diversions Inc.. DMX had apparently entered into a contract in order to promote the company's dog wear; he seems to have thought better of it, and instead chose not to try and push canine wellingtons and sou'westers and god alone knows what other stuff.

It might have cost him a fair bit, but better, surely, than trying to push caps for pooches on television.

Don't shoot Paul Weller, he's only the piano player.... oh, go on, then

Dog have called in a favour from a famous(ish) fan, and got Paul Weller to help out on their new album. playing piano. Is Weller a gifted pianist?

Apparently, that's not the point:

"We are fans of his and asked him to play piano on our album. We can't play piano very well and, although he's not the greatest piano player in the world, he's pretty good."

Just as an aside, is Dog the worst name for a band ever? Even leaving aside that it sounds like a name chosen at the end of six hours of drunken disagreement, how the hell do they expect people who like them to find them on Google? Even Scabby Dog would have been better. Might have been more apt, too.