Feeling lonely? Kerrang are waiting for you

An email arrives from Peter D, bringing news of a new entrant to the overcrowded online dating scene:

This is genius. Spotty youths sat in their dark bedroom listening to My Chemical Romance, their only companion are the black walls they thought were a great idea but will be a bugger to paint over when mum and dad rent out their room. Lets introduce a dating service for these people.

Yes, it's Kerrang dating. More precisely, it's Kerrang Radio dating, so not quite the magazine readership alone (with the emphasis on alone) - which would probably consist of 500 entries in the Men Seeking Women Who Look Exactly Like Her Out Of Paramore But Not As Scary category, and nothing else.

There is something really a bit nasty about how Kerrang Dating has options for men seeking women, and women seeking men. Doesn't Kerrang have any gay listeners?

It turns out that this might just be a Bauer Radio dating site, with everyone tossed into one pot and just presented through a interface with varying logos. They try to pretend that you're joining a specific interest group, but it doesn't quite work...

Look at Radio City dating, for example:

See? You're only going to meet people from Merseyside or Cheshire, Radio City's target service area. Brilliant - no timewasting with people who live miles away, right?

Except... what's this list of new members saying?

Surprisingly, for a dating site which restricts itself to introducing you just to people in the Liverpool and Chester areas, it seems to have a lot of far-flung new members.

And tucked away in the terms and conditions, there's this:

The Service is offered through and accessible through a number of other websites in addition to the Site. By registering with the Site you acknowledge and accept that all Content that you post to the site may be searchable and available to users of the Service who access it via different web sites from the Site. You further acknowledge and accept that other members of the Service that you may view and communicate with via the Service may have registered with and accessed the Service through a number of different web sites.

So pity the poor Kerrang head, signing up in the hope that, at last, they might meet someone who understands them (and looks a bit like her out of Paramore), only to wind up being hooked up with someone who listens to Magic FM.

Heartbreaking.

Gordon in the morning: He doesn't know, either

A pointless piece - to which Gordon adds his own byline as well as the Gordon In The Borrowed Suit branding - this morning: An unnamed friend of Ron Wood's wife Jo says that she's given up on him after an unnamed friend of her son said that he'd been seen drinking neat vodka. An unnamed friend (sorry, a "close chum") of Ron denies he's drinking - albeit offering the shakiest of evidence:

“Ronnie O’Sullivan scored a 145 break and everyone left with a smile on their face. It was all good, clean fun.”

The closest thing to an on-the-record fact?

A spokesman for the star last night refused to comment on whether he was boozing.

Gordon's awful headline kind of underlines the point:

Rolling drunk or still Ron the wagon?

He doesn't know.

Still, elsewhere, there's e-commerce in action, as a piece about, erm, The Cheeky Girls sunbathing has a sales message stuck at the foot of the text:

Find your own cheeky girls with a 72-hour FREE trial at our top dating website sunsingles.co.uk

Perhaps this is going to be commonplace on future Bizarre articles - making Gordon make some money. Amy Winehouse pieces rounded off with "would you like love that's so strong even being thrown in the big house for GBH can't dim the passion? Try Sun Singles", that sort of thing?