Simon Cowell: It's all very modern

You'll have been worrying, of course, how Simon Cowell has taken the news of Clay Aiken's coming out:

The "American Idol" judge reacted in typically sarcastic form, telling the entertainment news show "Extra": "Wow. That's a shock. It's like being told Santa Claus isn't real. Unbelievable."

Oh, he's such a card, isn't he? Do you suppose he'd have said that to Aiken if Clay had come out to him?

Cowell then showed himself to be quite modern:

"Good for him. If he said it, it's the right thing for him. ... I don't think anyone cares. Let's face it. It's 2008. You know. Who cares?"

Yes. Who cares, eh, Simon? Although clearly enough people do to make it worth People putting the story on the cover. Clearly Clay cared enough that he felt unable - prior to fatherhood - to say the words that Cowell feels so screamingly obvious.

Who cares, eh, Simon? And yet this in a nation where that bunch of charmers turn up to picket soldiers' funerals not because the soldiers were gay, but because they died fighting for a country which has sort-of come to terms with homosexuality.

You might conclude that quite a lot of people care, Simon, and that's precisely why so late into his career Clay has finally found the courage to come out; precisely why it took so long.

You might conclude that quite a lot of people care when you read gunk like this, from an Aiken fansite:

"This is really shocking news as I had no idea he was gay," read a comment posted by "Sheridansq." "And now I have to deal with this. I am not sure what to say to people who know I was a fan. ... I didn't go to work today and am not answering the telephone."

If only it was an announcement that merited only a shrug.

And I thought he was just a natty dresser

It wasn't so long ago that Clay Aiken was complaining that nobody would believe he was straight. "The only answer they want to hear is 'yes'" he said, referring to the 'are you gay' question.

It seems he's got tired of answering no, coming out to People magazine this week.

Clay Aiken is the new John Cleese

Our recent trip to Washington was only slightly marred by our hotel being next to the theatre hosting Spamalot, meaning every trip out either commenced with fighting your way through a bunch of overdressed Pyhton fans, or rushing past a television blaring a constant loop of What Great Larks it all is.

Still, it turns out it could have been worse: Clay Aiken's joined the cast:

"The first time I saw it I thought it was the stupidest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. My tour drummer is the 'Spamalot' drummer, and (he) said you've got to see it again."

How dull would your wit have to be to need a second visit to Spamalot to 'get' it? It's a musical based on a Monty Python film. It's hardly obscurantist humour, is it?

"I thought Monty Python was a person until three months ago."

Oh. That would be roughly where the dull wit would be calibrated, then.

Apparently it's not easy being in the show:

He told [Newsweek] he was so sore from rehearsals he "couldn't even get off the toilet the other day."

"It hurts so bad. I don't know if it's I'm not coordinated or using muscles I never had to use before," he said.

What muscles, exactly, are in your bottom that you need to use for acting that you might never have exercised before?

Did Clay run to the FBI because he got shoved?

Somehow, the FBI got themselves involved in a spat between Clay Aiken - that's American for "Gareth Gates" - and a woman during a flight to Oklahoma. It seems Aiken had shoved his feet on a woman's armrest; when she pointed out how boorish that was, a dispute occurred which ended up with Clay getting gently shoved and the FBI called to meet the plane.

It's good to know that the worst security threat you face in American airspace is gameshow losers behaving like they own the joint. This all sounds rather economy class, doesn't it?