Billy Joel might have made first contact; possibly cured cancer; could steal moon

The world, and all seven billion people upon it, are expected to fall silent next week, as our new leader Billy Joel will address us:

Billy Joel just announced that he will hold a press conference at Madison Square Garden on December 3rd to make an "exclusive and historic announcement." Neither he nor the arena have given indication of what they are going to announce, but the moment will be broadcast live on Fuse, the MSG Network and BillyJoel.com.

A historical announcement, eh? There's no way that's just going to be a few extra gigs, because nobody would attract attention to such a 'man does job' press conference in such terms, would they?

My guess is that he's pulled off cold fusion. I literally cannot wait for this moment of unprecedented import in our planet's story.

Fox News see fundraiser; hear 'vote Obama'

If there's one thing we know about the Fox News Channel, they hate nothing more than something pretending to be impartial while actually being a political statement. They really, really hate that.

So it's perhaps no surprise to find Fox angrier than a child without a balloon over the NBC Sandy benefit. You or I might have seen it as a well-meaning attempt by some older pop acts to try and raise a few quid to help some people who are in quite a bad way.

But, no: It was little more than an Obama campaign advert:

"Good intention, raise some money for victims, but the timing is more than suspect," guest host Eric Bolling said. "Is this more political? Is this more, let's get this thing on TV before the election to help President Obama look more presidential? Or is it more to help out victims?"

"It does look like they're trying to squeeze it in," Steve Doocy agreed. He then noted that Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen are avowed Obama supporters (they are also New Jersey musical icons, of course).

"Where are the conservative performers?" Doocy asked. "How's NBC going to control what people say?"

"Is it a hurricane benefit or a concert for Obama?" he later said darkly. "I don't know," Bolling said.

They even dragged up Kanye West's "George Bush doesn't care about black people" remarks during the New Orleans hurricane benefit to somehow explain why they believed an event that hadn't yet taken place was going to be a Democratic pep rally.

There's something almost sad that Fox is now so broken as a rational beast that their first thought when they hear people are raising money to help others is that this stands against everything they believe in.

The other sadness is that Sting, Springsteen and Billy Joel is about as (small c) conservative a line-up as you can possibly get; that trying to suggest Billy Joel is like some cross between Che Guevara and, uh, a bloke playing pianos is so ridiculous you can't help but laugh.

"People will see a man who used to be married to a supermodel, who has a personal stash of 160million dollars, singing a song in front of a picture of a washed-out New Jersey theme park and will be tricked into voting for healthcare."

Really, Fox? If you believe that, you're more in need of an appropriate adult than Britney Spears ever was.

If you don't, you're kinda of a disgrace for pushing that sort of shit on the television to the small-but-significant audience who see the word "news" on your screen and confuse that with "truth".

Sometimes, Mengele would make the prisoners do an extra hour in the spa

Billy Joel realises that comparing a brief spell in a luxury clinic getting treated for drinking too much with being shipped off to a Nazi death camp might be a bit much:

"I hated it. It was like a concentration camp - well, I can't say that, I've never been in a concentration camp. But for me, it was.

Briefly, he realised it was a facile and offensive comparison. But then decided to go with it anyway.

"There's a lot of dogma that goes with it, and there's the whole AA thing, and for a lot of people that works. I didn't necessarily follow that."

Yes, that does sound a lot like being separated from your family, starved, getting experimented upon, being shuffled into a room and getting slowly gassed to death. Presumably someone removed Joel's sense of perspective with a pair of pliers.

Joel: didn't start a fire, will close the stadium

Shea Stadium is going to close very soon - the New York Mets were ashamed of being one of the few professional sports teams who played in a venue named after a person who did something, rather than a corporation which cut a cheque, and so they're relocating to CitiField.

This means, of course, not only an end to baseball at the venue, but also the conclusion of a chunk of musical history. VH1 called it "the most hallowed venue in rock and roll", which might be pushing it a bit, but it's still had a quite an impressive track record - REM, the Beatles, The Clash and Humble Pie have all had a go there. So, who more fitting than Billy Joel to round off the list?

Yes, Billy Joel. We expect it was tricky to find someone who was free that day.

Interestingly, Wikipedia insists Marvel re-enacted Spiderman and Mary Jane at Shea Stadium, but as everybody knows, Peter Parker and Mary Jane never married, did they?

Ratcheting up the ticket price

James P has sent us an interesting report from the LA Times on ticket prices in the US. The most eye-catching detail is that Prince followed the same pricing logic for Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel as he has for his forthcoming Millennium Dome gigs, taking the 3121 title of his album as a starting point. Only, rather than making them £31.21, he went with $3121. No, there's no missing decimal point there, but at least it was three grand for two tickets. He's all heart.

This is against a background of escalating ticket charges in the US - suddenly, all pop stars are Gordon Gekko:

"In the past, artists have been more sensitive to not wanting to be perceived as charging high ticket prices," said Don Passman, a Los Angeles attorney and author of "All You Need to Know About the Music Business."

"The stigma on that has changed."

The average concert ticket price climbed to $61.58 last year from $25.81 in 1996. Tickets are generally priced based on the acts — and the demographics of their fans. The Cheetah Girls, for example, sold their tickets for an average of $35; Fallout Boy, $27. Seeing Barbra Streisand cost an average of $298.

While the Prince tickets were eye-watering, compared with the top-end of the market that's virtually charitable:

This summer, folks willing to pony up $15,000 for a ticket can see Prince, Billy Joel, Tom Petty, James Taylor and Dave Matthews in a five-concert, 1,000-seat series in the Hamptons in New York. Guests will dine on food prepared by what organizers call "celebrated chefs," peruse art exhibits and be entertained before the concert by illusionist and stuntman David Blaine. And they promise no long waits for the bathroom.

And what's the logic behind charging fifteen grand for Matthews and Joel?

Well, you remember how in the Commons this week Harvey Goldsmith was explaining how promoters carefully set their prices to be fair rather than grabbing the gig-goer by the testicles and shaking like the secondary marketeers do? Apparently, American promoters don't feel the same:

"Our clients told us over and over that they wanted to see the big names perform but didn't want the hassle that came along with attending a concert in a big stadium," said Joe Meli, chief executive of Bulldog Entertainment, the "Hampton Social" promoter.

"We believe our ticket price is in line with what ticket-reselling websites such as StubHub already get for high-profile events."

That makes a certain, ruthless, business logic - although with the built-in risk of pricing acts like Joel out of the mass market at a time when their largest sales come through the three-ninetynine CD bins in petrol stations - but does mean that, in future, promoters can hardly use "secondary sales rip people off by charging higher prices" as a line of attack, can they?

No more Belgians in the Congo

Pop music can't help but feeling bereft, as Billy Joel just isn't motivated by it any more:

"I'm not ruling out the possibility of writing songs again," Joel tells Billboard.com. "I suppose if I had the motivation to write a song, I'm not gonna stop myself from doing it. I just haven't felt the compulsion to write songs in pop form. I guess these days I just think of myself as a composer."

So, pop's gain is classical music's loss, then.