I have not made a movie review for quite some time cause I cannot find any movie worthy of a review. The fake trailer for Machete first appeared in Planet Terror and it generated so much interest that Robert Rodriguez decided to make a real movie out of it.
I have been waiting patiently for the movie and finally its here. Thank God for bootleg DVDs. I would have watched the original movie but I double that out "high moral" censorship would approve. I would like to say with all the murders, rape cases and baby dumping, you go try and censor life, just go and try and see how successful you are. Sorry, I am just ranting here.
3 years ago, Machete is a federale in Mexico. While attempting to save a witness who will testify against the drug lord Torrez, he was betrayed, causing his partner and his wife to get killed.
Torrez - Steven Seagal, it feels wierd writing a review of a movie with him in it, but he is not the hero.
The intro of the movie plus some big names in it.
Machete
Torrez - Mexican drug lord who killed Machete's family
Luz/She - the leader of the network who help Mexican immigrant in the US
One of the reason to watch this movie is Lindsay Lohan's topless scene. Someone asked me multiple times, is the topless scene still intact in the movie?. The answer is yeah, but I'll get to that a later.
Sartana - A US Customs officer
3 years later, Machete is in US as an illegal immigrant working in the US. The place that he worked is also being staked by Dt Sartana, a US customs officer.
Luz operates a food stall which has "you eat today, you pay tomorrow" concept. She is also the leader of the network who helps immigrant.
Meanwhile, a senator is heading an anti immigrant campaign. In the meantime, he also joins a group of vigilantes shooting and killing illegal immigrants trying to cross to the US.
Damn, does this line sound familiar :S
If you are going to shoot someone or have threesome sex, please don't make any home videos, you are going to regret it, as our good senator will find out in the end.
After winning a street fight, Machete was approached by someone who wants him to kill the senator for 150000.
The guy's daughter - April
Machete gave the money to Luz to help the other immigrants.
Campaign day. Damn, that sign looks familiar. Insert what ever language that you feel patriotic about =.=
Before Machete could shoot, he was double crossed and shot by another sniper while the senator took two bullets to the leg.
It seems the guy who hired him had connection to Torrez the drug lord.
An injured Machete was aided by people from the network. First a doctor and 2 nurses.
Then by Luz.
And Dt. Sartana
The bad guys are getting desperate and hired professional killers to get Machete. This is Tom Savini, the special effect guy for the zombie "Dead" series, for example "Dawn of the Dead".
While Machete is searching for the bad guys, Sartana and Luz had a talk on how immigrants are disappearing because of the vigilantes.
Machete visited his brother Padre and got more information.
His church even have CCTV.
Either this guy is stupid or what, why does he have to hire a killer, then show his face all over TV. Can't he use a middle man? Now Machete knows who he is cause Padre have files and recording on him.
The reason for all this mess is just to increase the Senator's popularity so he will get elected. The reason that he wants to build an electric fence near the border has something to do with Torrez. If the drug supplies from Mexico is less due to the fence, they can increase the drug price. Can you believe that?
Here is the scene "you" have been asking me about. Lindsay Lohan's topless scene. Machete goes to the senator's aide's house to kidnap his daughter and wife.
I wonder if that's Lindsay's real tits or are those "stunt tits".
This is the closest that you will see her nipples. Sorry its censored, my blog is only PG-13. If you want to see the original, contact me to borrow the movie.
He found more secret files in the form of CDs. He hid the two girls at Padre's church and gave the CDs to Sartana.
Apple FOREVER!!
Note - At this point I want to save but accidentally pressed the publish post. So if you read up to here and say what the heck, please come back in a short while.
Meanwhile Luz was ambushed by the vigilantes and shot in the head and more killers attacked Padre.
He was holding out on his own, but was finally shot from the back and killed. What the killer do not know is his CCTV is on.
More killers attacked Machete and Sartana but they were all killed. On seeing that his brother was killed, Machete decided to go after them all.
Santana contacted her superior but they do not believe her, so she does the next best thing, give
the evidence to a reporter. All hell is about to break loose.
The senator and his aide held a press conference, when the reporter who got the material showed them some recording, including where the senator was killing illegal immigrant. So both of them flee in a car. An argument led the senator to shoot his aide.
Then he flee to the vigilantes camp.
Last chance to see Lindsay Lohan's tits. She has just awoken and found out that her dad was killed by the senator.
April FOREVER!!!
With Luz not around anymore, the Mexicans asked Machete to lead them while Sartana tries to get more people to help.
The Mexicans attacked the vigilantes camp.
Look at the size of that thing.
Funniest death scene, killed by a jumping car.
Luz also reappears, the vigilante shot did not kill her.
April was looking for the senator who killed her father.
Machete vs Torrez
Why must Seagal always use katana??
Spoiler alert
Guess which one I bought. People who know me would know the answer.
They have the key to open the other door, but it was latched from inside. The last hope is the second door that was not latched, but its a one way door.
Trying, trying.
Old school way of opening the door.
Some of the images from the web.
Torrez - Steven Seagal, it feels wierd writing a review of a movie with him in it, but he is not the hero.
Machete
Torrez - Mexican drug lord who killed Machete's family
Luz/She - the leader of the network who help Mexican immigrant in the US
One of the reason to watch this movie is Lindsay Lohan's topless scene. Someone asked me multiple times, is the topless scene still intact in the movie?. The answer is yeah, but I'll get to that a later.
Sartana - A US Customs officer
Damn, does this line sound familiar :S
If you are going to shoot someone or have threesome sex, please don't make any home videos, you are going to regret it, as our good senator will find out in the end.
The guy's daughter - April
Machete gave the money to Luz to help the other immigrants.
Campaign day. Damn, that sign looks familiar. Insert what ever language that you feel patriotic about =.=
Before Machete could shoot, he was double crossed and shot by another sniper while the senator took two bullets to the leg.
Then by Luz.
And Dt. Sartana
Machete visited his brother Padre and got more information.
His church even have CCTV.
Either this guy is stupid or what, why does he have to hire a killer, then show his face all over TV. Can't he use a middle man? Now Machete knows who he is cause Padre have files and recording on him.
The reason for all this mess is just to increase the Senator's popularity so he will get elected. The reason that he wants to build an electric fence near the border has something to do with Torrez. If the drug supplies from Mexico is less due to the fence, they can increase the drug price. Can you believe that?
I wonder if that's Lindsay's real tits or are those "stunt tits".
This is the closest that you will see her nipples. Sorry its censored, my blog is only PG-13. If you want to see the original, contact me to borrow the movie.
Apple FOREVER!!
He was holding out on his own, but was finally shot from the back and killed. What the killer do not know is his CCTV is on.
The senator and his aide held a press conference, when the reporter who got the material showed them some recording, including where the senator was killing illegal immigrant. So both of them flee in a car. An argument led the senator to shoot his aide.
Then he flee to the vigilantes camp.
April FOREVER!!!
With Luz not around anymore, the Mexicans asked Machete to lead them while Sartana tries to get more people to help.
The Mexicans attacked the vigilantes camp.
Look at the size of that thing.
Funniest death scene, killed by a jumping car.
April was looking for the senator who killed her father.
