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peek-a-boo

been MIA for a really long time. wanted to blog on many occasions.. especially after totally amazing camps. but i've been too busy. owe people so many emails too... gee. been meeting up with frens.. at last.. but they seem to have complicated tales to share... the fact dat im spending time blogging now.. that is not a good sign too. ha.

a friend's troubles...

so many things happening lately.
feeling confused.
so confused.

a peek back into the past.
triggered pain.
triggered hurt.
triggered jealousy.
yet all i could do was smile.
pretend that i didnt feel a thing.
how is dat possible.

a step back to the present.
confused or not.
maybe i know.
maybe i dont.
maybe i jus wanna run.
away from reality.

maybe there's something i want.
but i know i cant.
i need to stop dis feeling.
i dun like the way im feeling.
for you.

may all problems be solved. n all emotions set back in place. may the smiles radiate from the heart once again.

dedicating a song... love it.

吴克群 - 为你写诗

爱情 是一种怪事
我开始全身不受控制
爱情 是一种本事
我开始连自己都不是
为你我做了太多的傻事
第一件就是为你写诗
为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你我学会弹琴写词
为你失去理智
为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你弹奏所有情歌的句子
我忘了说
最美的是你的名字

爱情 是一种怪事
你的笑容是唯一宗旨
爱情 是一种本事
我在你心里什么位置
为你我做了太多的傻事
第一件就是为你写诗

为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你我学会弹琴写词
为你失去理智
为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你弹奏所有情歌的句子
我忘了说
最美的是你的名字

为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你我学会弹琴写词
为你失去理智
为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你弹奏所有情歌的句子
我忘了说
最美的是你的名字

我什么都能忘记
但唯一不忘的是你的名字
我什么都能忘记
但唯一不忘的是你的样子
我什么都能忘记
但唯一不忘的是你的名字
我什么都能忘记
但唯一不忘的是你的样子

Return of the fRoG pRiNcEsS...

So the last story ended with Prince Antibiotics kissing the Frog Princess, transforming her back to a beautiful princess after a period of lag time. On seeing her beauty, he was so mesmerized, but having used up his powers to save the princess, he vanished into thin air without even saying his goodbye. Knowing that the prince had sacrificed to save her life, the princess lived life to the fullest. She continued blessing the people around her, spreading love, hope and joy.

All was well until Witch SoreThroat got really jealous of the princess's beauty and lovely voice. The evil witch caught the princess unaware, and cast the same spell again. Afrog-cada-frog! The princess turned back into a frog. Though it was still rather stunning. Frog princess, now depressed and croaking, prayed hard for her savior. And just as she had expected, Prince Antibiotics appeared right before her!

Despite knowing that the prince's powers are limited, that it may take a few days for his magic to work, the frog princess's trust in him never diminished. She knew that he was the only person who could save her now. And with him beside her, she knows that it won't be long before she gets transformed back to the beautiful princess once again.

Don't we all cling on tightly to the things that we think will bring us hope? With hope, there is happiness. With happiness, there is hope. Let us now hope that Prince Antibiotics can save the frog princess, and then she'll be able to spread the christmas joy and lift spirits with her sweet voice.

-MeNtOrS-

im doing toastmaster of the evening (TME) again tomorrow for my club. somehow i love being TME. it's just fun! im the host of the evening and am entitled to crap any way i want it. so far, i've been TME twice... once at dennis wee group, n the other time at my club. everytime i feel insecure, i feel inconfident and unsure if i was doing it right, or if im doin it well, i will turn to one person. n somehow my confidence will be renewed immediately after dat. i still remember the time i was doing TME at my club, under the watchful eyes of my boss n another stern colleague. hee... i was really feeling super insecure, when suddenly that someone, from the back, gave me a very assuring gesture, to signify dat i had been doing great. n it totally gave me an energy lift and confidence booster. it was amazing. n that person is none other dan my mentor. isnt it amazing how mentors are? they noe exactly when to give u a morale boost. they noe when to uplift u, and when to kick u away, for u to learn to pick urself up.

tomorrow is the first time i'll be doing TME without my mentor's presence. somehow it feels weird. im feeling a little apprehensive. but i noe his message to me will always stay the same... ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE. so i'm gonna shine tomorrow too... thanx.

im blessed with not only one, but two mentors. one from my toastmasters club, another from my training dept. im learning lots from the both of them, and am totally grateful for their time, energy, effort and love. really lookin forward to the day when i improve so much so dat my mentors will look at me, and smile from their hearts, being contented and satisfied and happy that their efforts had paid off. til then, i will strive on.

*SUPERSTAR*

i happened to look out of my window jus now and was welcomed by a starry sky. it was totally awesome... so beautiful. been sucha long time since i last seen a clear sky with all the stars twinkling, smiling at me. wat a mesmerizing sight. right above, i saw that reddish star. the only star that wasn't flickering. it's mars... shining so brightly, attracting me with its reddish glow.

somehow, some time, my interest in astronomy grew... shd b that time in JC when i joined astro club. though i joined it because of the people, i actually enjoyed the sessions. being able to lie on my back and admire the stars in the sky, surrounded by ppl who were equally impressed and interested. at times, we would look into the telescope and see jupiter, other times, we will identify orion, southern cross, etc... n everytime i look at the stars, somehow i will feel a sense of calm washing over me. its like having all my troubles blown away. like how the clouds would have to disappear before i get to see the stars so clearly. interesting...

yet everytime i tink of my times in astro then, a few ppl will spring up in my mind... the one who shared his life story with me thru 4 rounds of walkin round the track; the one who teased n insulted me nonstop, yet loves me so; the one who meant so much to me; and many others... all fond memories float back everytime i gaze at those stars.

are the stars still in existence far far away as im looking at it now? or have they died out, yet their light and soul still travels far and wide? how can i be that star? shining so bright, and even when it burns out, its presence still continues to linger far far away... or maybe im that twinkling star, newly born, waitin for a moment to gain strength n shine.. waitin for that cloud to pass me by... waiting for the day i get to sparkle and dazzle and shine so brightly.

i noe dat day will come
i am a SUPERSTAR!

love of my life

have you ever felt a certain way for someone
that you jus wanna hold on tight
never to let go
you jus wanna freeze that moment
when you can see that smile
feel that touch
knowing that you could mean so much
to that one person
as you feel that person clinging on so tightly to you
following you wherever you go
hugging you close
what a sweet and warm feeling

to some of you, this person may be your partner
to others, this person may be your family
to me, this person is my baby cousin
she's 10 this yr
yet she'll always be that baby in my eyes
the one i adore
the one who is capable of shifting my moods
the one whom i allow to bully me
the one i love

how i wish time will freeze now
at this point in time
so she'll always be this young
she'll always want to hold my hand
she'll always look up to me
she'll always be so innocent
i noe im being selfish
but im afraid of losing her

i never thought she would feel this way towards me
but the love she has given me
touched my heart so deeply
as she clings onto my arm so tightly
gives a peck or two on my cheek
n hugs me sweetly
my heart melts
not only is she my baby cousin
she is my sister
my love

*ring ring*

special request by someone.. for me to revive my blog. havent got much to write, else i wouldnt have sucha tough time coming up with a topic for toastmasters.

what phone should i get?
Nokia N73 or N95... the later editions, of course.
or... HTC Touch?

Apparently my love at first sight screwed up on me... Nokia 6500 classic... my dad bought it, n within 1 day, it died. there were other ppl in the service centre complaining abt this phone. so there goes my sexy phone... though i realised that there arent many features in it, so it's good that it had to say goodbye. guess we're not fated to be together.

hola~ now he has got himself a E65... heard great reviews about it, except that i still find it ugly. im rather superficial when it comes to handphones. it has to look good. it's a MUST. i cannot imagine myself facing an ugly phone all day. well, of course it's features n all must be good, but on top of all that, it must have decent or rather, pretty looks. i must want to kiss it, u noe... *muakz*

N95 looks rather bulky... N73 seems like it's been in the market for quite long. wonder if mould is starting to grow yet. wat features do i look for in a phone?
- good calendar/organiser
- great alarm system (i need 4 alarm clocks in the morn)
- loads of space for sms n photos (im too lazy to delete msgs, or rather, i cant bear to do so)
- radio (even tho i seldom listen to it.. bad for ear!)
- camera! (ooh i lurrve taking photos)
- a 'cancel' button (im lazy to press buttons more dan once to delete anything)
ha wat else? cant tink of any for now...

u realise dat i dun need many sophisticated features... i jus need its basic functions. yet i dowan the prehistoric phones... i wanna keep up to the trend u noe... else i would have continued using those phones which could double up as a crab shell hammer. gee.

HTC Touch is really pretty... sleek and classy. BUT it has no keypad.. sigh.
wat if...
i only had one hand free to use the phone.. how am i gonna send an impt sms?
i was in a meeting.. how can i sneak an sms im my pocket?
wat shd i do? shd i stick to my conventional keypad phones? or shd i go with this lovely modern technology? i cant decide!

*eeni meeni maini mo* which should i get? wat other better phones are there? someone do give me suggestions please! thanx...~

WUCHUN MADNESS!

Gosh.. i actually hate dis feeling. this feeling of knowing dat im getting obsessed with my idol. but... how can one help but feel this way especially when the target is wuchun? super irresistable. dont u tink so? aww....


did i emphasize how nice this show is? i do admit, 'tokyo juliet' made me depressed.. cos it was full of sad twists, despite the happy ending. yet dis show, 'romantic princess', fills me with happiness n hope. dunno why there's a hope factor. but i actually do feel so hopeful after watchin each episode. amazing. wat am i hoping? hoping to be as pretty as angela? hoping to know wuchun at a personal level? suddenly got reminded of my dream. the dream that i've always wanted, yet is very far-fetched. for a moment of time, i actually thought my dream was achievable. now come to tink of it... i dun tink i have that courage to do it. im too disciplined, too down-to-earth, too risk averse, and too certain of the qualities i have, that should be inadequate in attaining that dream.

oh well... shall just look at wonderful photos then... jus look at dat face. even the word 'perfect' is not sufficient and good enough to describe him.




their dance in the show was superb. totally stunning. inspired me to learn ballroom dancing. so graceful, so beautiful. i wanna learn other dances too.. like street jazz, hip hop, etc.. so dat i can be more flexible and more groovy.. hee. i used to teach mass dance in sec sch... cant believe it rite? ha... yea believe it. n it was a memorable experience. i do love to dance... jus dat sometimes, just sometimes, u may mistake me for an elephant jumping.. tho i noe elephants cant jump. ok la.. i thot i danced rather well then... at least my juniors said so... hoho. wanna pick it up again... anyone got any lobang for dance courses, pls do lemme know. thanks!

attending a brain-based learning workshop by Eric Jensen. He's totally awesome! i picked up loads of strategies from him... feeling so hopeful now. my boring training has some hope now! ha... im actually feeling excited! hoho...

tomorrow, im gonna be in a SIAO mood! hoho!

*Romantic Princess*


everytime i watch taiwanese serials, i will have a new set of emotions overwhelming me .many ppl view watchin taiwanese serials as a total waste of time, as they do not seem to have any educational value. however, whatever value obtained is based on own perception. for me, i get inspired alot by such shows. especially those with my beloved wuchun.

it's like living in that fairytale, living as the princess in it, facing the same challenges. or rather, wanting to be that princess. seeing how she overcomes obstacles that come her way. how she can remain so positive and cheerful. how she can sacrifice for others. i will start to associate it with my life. how am i living my life right now? i want to be that princess. that pretty, charismatic, lucky gal who has a heart of gold and can influence others. sounds so far-fetched. but hey, i can be that princess. i am that princess. in my life. i can do things differently.

why can't i be that cheerful and positive? i can. i used to be the cheerful girl. the one who brings smiles to everyone along the corridor. n everywhere.

why can't i be that beautiful and sweet? but i am. (err... after dis haircut, im not so sure anymore.. ha) but i do know that beauty comes from within. forget about looks, forget about outer appearance. a confident person is one who will shine in all ways. n i do have the potential to be that star. i know i do. i just have to believe. n continue to believe.

why must i be envious of others? i need not be. i know im special in my own way. n i noe dat...

so come on, xin. shine now, shine tml, shine all the time. continue shining. the light may not be emitted very brightly now, but with conscious effort, i know i will start to glow so brightly.

people dream of turning into princesses. to live in the laps of luxury. to have their prince charming. to be that precious gem. this princess dream. it is here. i am the princess. i just gotta start believing. who says pretty girls have it better? who says geniuses have it better? im not drop dead gorgeous, but im no ugly duckling. i've become a... goose. (ha horrible melvin changed 'swan' to 'goose'.) im not that brainy, but dats good, im no nerd, yet i do have intelligence. so wat am i lacking? experience. this, i am collecting along the way. awareness, this im doin my best to get. speakin from my heart. it's all within me, i will learn to extract it out. n many more.

i dont aim to be perfect. i aim to improve each day.

side note: i have started to believe that there's no such thing as 'no one is perfect'. cos i've found someone who's perfect. wuchun. he is. in every single way.

anyways, this show is totally superb. Romantic Princess. it's so awesome, simply indescribable. at the 6th episode now... out of 10. n im not even done with jumong yet. but guess wat, this show is motivating me to do my manuals. i suddenly feel so motivated. ha.

this is the ending theme song for ... very nice song by angela chang. suddenly, when i read the lyrics, i tink of someone. i do not know why that person appears. i dun even really fully comprehend the meaning behind these lyrics. yet some words just trigger off the memory of that person. puzzling.

不想懂得

当世界不知不觉的变了
有时候我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的想像是一种快乐
拥有了同时也失去什么
而眷恋原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟心开始曲折
我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错怕抱不紧什么
我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
能握着手就是感动的

Commitment to myself for tomorrow:
Be positive.
Be confident.
Be cheerful.
Be beautiful.
Be a learner.

HELP!

i've got so much to blog.. so much to say... so many pics to upload.. so many things to do.. so many manuals to complete... BUT... someone is holding me back. he is pulling onto my sleeves, grabbing my eyeballs... he refuses to allow me to do other things, except watch him. and i've been doin so the whole day, the past few days.. n i believe i will continue to do so, because the person is none other dan jumong. ARGH. Yet i dont really wanna be saved. i willingly joined jumong's damul army to give him my support. gosh. im so mad... im almost living in the show already. ha. gotta go sch early morn to observe training yet im still awake... darn. jus fought a battle u see.. sigh.

nitez ppl... await my next post with pictures pictures pictures! =)

주몽 JUMONG

My current craze. It is sapping all my time. Super duper nice show.. after Seodongyo. ooh... real story of a king. Ooh... There are 80 episodes, and im currently at episode 45. every episode keeps me at the edge of my seat, and keeps my 3 manuals yelling for me.


And the lead actor, Song Il Kook, is getting more n more dashing by the day. Oh, help me. My poor Wu Chun will be very sad to know that his place in my heart is getting abit shaky. oops. Just look at him pulling the bow n arrow... aah... *heart melts*

乱

开心 伤心 谁来决定
用尽 真心 却得不到任何回应

坚定 决定 谁会关心

用尽 全力 却得不到同样回应

i like sad songs. that melancholic feeling they bring out of me... makes me feel sad.. n that actually feels really good. 我越伤心就越喜欢听忧伤的歌曲.

不知为何, 我的心情是如此的差.

是失望, 是无奈, 是懊恼.

心里的纳闷却无法得到解脱.

突然觉得自己好渺小, 好孤单, 似乎没人能理解我, 了解真正的我.

好想痛哭一场, 却忍住了.

我要的结果, 离我好远好远.

是否会雨过天晴的那一天?
still thinking... pondering... wondering...

it's raining
adds to this melancholic feeling
i particularly like wallowing in this feeling
imagining myself out there in the lonely streets, having only the streetlamp as company. as the rain pours down onto me, each droplet cold and hard, just like a bullet pelting down onto me. and all of them start hitting me mercilessly. im totally drenched, feeling the cold seeping through my skin, into my bones, freezing up every part of me, especially my heart. i dowan to feel anything. especially my brain. i dowan to think anymore. i just wanna stay frozen. and i noe after this, i will only be refreshed, with all troubles washed away away away...

im so stressed i wanna cry
i jus dun feel like doin anything
everything seems so pointless
n i really dowan to tink positive anymore
no one seems to understand me
i feel so emo now
i dowan to take charge of my emotions
i jus wanna b like dis
i feel mad
i feel psycho
nobody cares abt me
i feel terrible
so terrible
i wanna scream
i wanna shout
why am i always so lousy in ur eyes?
i feel stifled
i cant breathe
go away
just let me be

The Bamboo

just when i was feeling very down... a saviour lifted me up with this... even though im not a Christian, i found this story really meaningful.. i liked the message in it.. really very applicable to me at this point in time.

One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year
the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo, He said.

In year three
there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.

In year four,
again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed.
"I would not quit." He said.

"Then in the fifth year
a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...
But just 6 months later
the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said.
"The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me.
"You will rise high"

"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said,
"Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that
God will never give up on you.

Never, Never, Never Give up.

so even if i may seem to be less effective, or boring or not improving fast.. it doesnt mean im lousy. i jus gotta persevere.. cos i firmly believe there is a purpose for me being here. for me to hav attended POE preview in nus, yet wasnt allowed to go for it due to monetary constraints.. for me to hav read adam's book n felt totally empowered... for me to have picked up dat akltg recruitment email from the spam mail folder on dat fateful day... for me to have been persuaded to jus sign up for audition when i was about to give up n leave.. for me to have survived the 3 auditions + 2 yrs of coach training n loads of negative feedback and dissuation n threats before i joined full time. i do believe all these happened for a reason. i had alot of opportunites and chances to learn and improve. n im grateful for them. though im makin v slow progress... i believe all these will onli make me stronger. n one day, these will serve a purpose. so i will FIGHT ON no matter wat!

Random thoughts? Think again...

Saturday:
Was the Toastmaster of the Day (TMD) for Division U Humour and Evaluation Contest. an eye-opener cos i've never seen a contest before, neva seen wat ppl in toastmasters actually do. n i was like hosting it... ha. u can classify me as a blur TMD. mong cha cha... dunno wat im really supposed to do. was a teeny weeny bit disappointed.. cos i couldnt be myself. no chance... didnt really have much air time.. had alot of proper stuff to do, so i couldnt talk rubbish, as i would have loved to. so basically, i was a rather tame sheep up on stage. baa... jus doin wats told, n wat needs to be done. well, i did manage to squeeze in something.. which was received rather well. but no time to do much more. felt like a tiger in a cage. ROAR. couldnt come out... n it's stifling. really stifling.

Sunday:
had coach training.. dis time i trained the younger ones. wat can i say abt today... i would have loved to say it was a happy session, where i felt i did improve again. by abit. i managed to be comfortable linking a story. i was more aware of how i was standing, wat my hands were holding, where i was standing. i thot on my feet n linked the story to my content... tho not v strong connection i would say.. but at least i thot i improved.
BUT
my story/joke fell quite flat... some laughed, some thot it was lame, some didnt get it at all. not the response i wanted.
from the faces dat i saw... i didnt feel they were engaged or excited or interested.
feedback was.. i was boring.

i was feeling happy...
yet im feeling demoralized.
wat else can i do?
how else can i do?
how can i do it such that i can create the response i want?
how is it that the other trainers can do dis so well?
how did they become so good?
how can i become so good too?
how can i be comfortable spewing stories n jokes?
how can i improve?
how can i improve faster?
why am i getting this response again?
how can i do it differently?

i noe the power of questions... some of my questions r not powerful. n im definitely not in a resourceful state now. i was constantly changing the way i perceive today's training... i had to keep reframing it in a positive way... yet... sometimes the negative ones will overpower the positive ones. i noe im jus giving in to the loser in me. i jus wanna feel like a victim for a while.

because i know that after this moment, it's gonna be the winner i see in myself.

it's amazing.. how i can be so wonderful and confident in toastmasters, yet so boring and ineffective in training.. im kinda doin the same thing... TALKING! ENTERTAINING! weird. probably the environment and the audience. one is more friendly, encouraging, comfortable... whereas the other is more demanding, with high standards being set, n expections to meet. nevertheless, i enjoy both of them... regardless of how wonderful or boring i may be. the more i stand up there to talk, the more im addicted to it, the more i wanna stay up there, the more i cant stop talking. it's a passion. it's an obsession. it's an addiction. it's my love.