The controlling self nearly took over

What if all these negativity is caused by your own illusion? And that because of your own negativity those illusion come true? Think about it Alvin... She might be fake BUT she could be very very real.

Tonight, I nearly went down to flux again just to see her. This is despite the fact that we are spending time tomorrow for some shopping and dinner. I just felt compelled to know everything about her. This include if she has any bf, who she go dinner and supper with etc.

All these have to stop. I am losing control of myself, my emotion and I am trying to manipulate others. This is not love Alvin. You need to be in total control of yourself and be the person you are the best.

And the Alvin everyone knows is full of self-belief, fight for what he wants in life and always create a miracle. Turning the impossible into possible and never giving up.

The controlling self is your weak self.. Get alive already. If she comes out with some reason not to meet you or to cut short the time to meet you, be in control. Tell her that she needs to plan her time and prioritize what is important and what is not. Otherwise there will come a day where we never get to meet each other except for the days I go drinking in flux. Be composed, mature and in control of every response to her.

If you shiver and got a headache and feel like messaging her to manipulate her again, get over this negative emotion like a real man!!   

Nearly give in to fate

I nearly give in to fate. I forgot how I used to fight fate with my bare hands and say I will never never give up no matter how much obstacles is in my way. If you want something, fight for it. Never give up until the result is out of your control.

What if all these negativity is cause by your own illusion? And that because of your own negativity those illusion come true? Think about it Alvin... She might be fake BUT she could be very very real.

Personality

No matter how much wealth you can obtain, always believe in your ability to earn rather than the money itself. Look at how the bosses of flux spending hundred of thousands of dollars only to be snubbed?

Don't believe in a lean fit body gaining attraction. Rather, believe in the energy level that a lean fit body can give.

If you cling on too tightly, you will loose her. If you losen your hold a little, she can breath more easily and that will also enable her to miss you a little.

In truth, you need to let go of her, today 22/12 the reason why u didn't go flux is partially because u are bored of it and partially because you have slowly awaken from your dream. She is still 70% true and 30% mystery to you.

Regain that positiveness

If you don't start to focus on yourself and look long term. You will continue to be stuck in this whirlpool of negativeness. Come on wake up already.. U have a set of winning formula why aren't you using it to your advantage????????????????

Recent times...

She took your support for granted. You support her a 50 flower but she was gone in a moment a new customer comes in. After when she came back, her face look so stress and when u ask her more, she say nothing was wrong. Towards the end only then she reveal she was still angry at you over last Friday incident. This seem to be a little mind game she is playing with you.

In your heart, you knew she fear more than just angry and if she fear you, there's nothing much you can do. However you have to admit her statement made you guilty thus u decided to help her with the 1000.

After flux you went to withdraw money. She didn't even wait for you to come and order food and you only have the responsibility to pay. Throughout the supper, they were simply gossiping non-stop and she didn't even shift near to where you sit.

Finally after supper, she took you to 7-11 to buy the bird nest drink. Everything was paid for by you. To give the benefit of doubt maybe she really no cash.

She ask me not to go away. I don't know how to response but I know my best offensive and defensive move is to improve on myself without thinking too much about her.

Letting go

About the 7 things I can't let go about her:

1. Cannot let go the last $100 flower I spend because it is not worth it

2. Can't let go that I am spending money emotionally rather than logically

3. Can't let go I spolit the chemistry I build up till date just because of a stalker incident

4. Can't let go that she is holding another man's hand other than mine

5. Can't let it go that she's no longer calling be baby

6. Can't let it go that the best our relationship is that of a supporter and good friend who can take care of her

7. Most importantly, can't let it go that I will most probably NOT be the one unless miracle happen

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1. Money an always be earn back

2. U always have the capacity to spend wisely and logically

3. What done is done. There will always be consequences of your own self-sabotage behavior. Look at the bigger picture and change yourself for the better

4. That can be both the bf or the customer. U can never find out. The fact that she hold another man will definitely be too hard for you to stomach.

5. Maybe your sensitivity is kicking in again... OR maybe things really change after your stalker behavior.. Only time will know

6. Minimise the flower hanging and stop going flux

7. If you continue to think of the lighting sword you can't wield rather than train yourself to ensure you have the ability to wield it if one day u obtain it, you will always always be stuck at the same place Xeno...

Learn to let go...

Look.. There is no doubt that there is some truth and sincerity in her words when she comfort you you on your father's and family predictment, at the same time how she says she will still meet you outside of flux if you are unable to go flux, she even say it is NOT important for you to go flux. Because both of you can meet outside.

However, after the initial political reason you created between Anna and her, the next week on the 4th Dec where you got drunk and spout nosense again and the final straw is when you stalk her. The final final straw probably came when you acted all wussy within these two weeks giving her your power. And the final final final straw where you say how you cannot live without her etc etc etc.... All these have probably freak her out... To the extend she will only the most see you as a supporter or trustworthy friend..

Xeno you need to take one step back and move on... Otherwise, u will be hitting the ground.. THe very same ground...

Self Esteem

It has been a long time since I last blog. This time, it's about a relationship issue which have not even started.

The 1st impression of her is not really good. When she was introduced over, she sat in a corner and open her legs wide and I simply slip in my whole body in. I only supported her $20 flowers which was what she said when she knew each other better. Furthermore, she lied about her age and only reveal her real age at a later time.

Just one day after I know her, I invited her to have dinner with me and Jervis. Her response was it's going to be late for her to return back to work thus why not I buy her out? To give her the benefit of doubt, maybe I was still being treated like a customer at that stage thus the lieing about her age and also to buy her out was suggested.

When she was inside the club, she was in work mode thus if you don't buy her alot of flowers, naturally she will have to move on to get more flowers. As of 11 Dec when you didn't even buy her a single flower, she still came over for rest and also to ask you to keep her handphone meaning she still trust you.

The last few days of rapport building was fantastic as we shared more and more chemistry. All those chemistry went down the drain because of my stalker controlling habit. After that night, she made it clear that we are still in dating stage and not considered BF/GF. .Alex's view is she is drawing a clear line that if you wish to hang flowers, make sure it is out of good will otherwise don't hang at all. Jervis's view is that she is just freak out for a moment and after her anger goes away, everything will be back to normal. Jervis's continue to point out that her message to you is positive as it is not one worded response.

The verdict is don't go flux and if go don't hang her flower. Don't contact her until she contact you. In the meantime, you need to look at the bigger picture of yourself. As Alex say, if she is willing to be your GF, can you sustain her?

For now, don't make any unneccessary conclusion 1st. Keep it open. However, bear in mind that the best category that she classified you is probably a trustworthy friend who will take care of her in Singapore and also a supporter in Flux.