The entry with no title

Oh my god, time really flies by, like the rainbow is the sky. One moment it's up there displaying it's beauty after a heavy show, in another instance, it disappear. It has been one month since I last blog. Had been experiencing disconnection again. One moment for around 20 minutes, I felt connected last Wednesday? A lot of energy gone to negativity. I'm unsure of how I felt this moment. Am I for real, am I really the funny guy that everyone love or is this just an approach I have towards people?

I cant seem to stop joking nor can I display the other side of me. It's getting confusing and frustrating. I know that the five main characteristic that made me up is Loyalty,Funny,Indifferent,Analytical,Influential. However, I dont understand why I am unable to demonstate all my ability when required. There is a side of me which had yet been disclose.

Until I accomplished all the possiblity within me, I cant take the next step forward...

the mind

When u fill up a glass of water, try pouring 600ml of water into a 500ml glass. Chances r it will overflow. Same thing with the mind,if u get yrself overloaded with too much stuff yet u r not working much to maintain the physical quality to sustain the information overload, the information will just flow in and go out.

That's what happening today....brain dead...fisr time in my life

whatever will be wil be

Whatever will be will be.

If u r tired, try to rest. If u didnt achieve the result u wanted to, just take heed that u hv tried yr best. If u failed,just take some time to ponder why u failed...

In life something, it's never because of ur innate ability that leads to failure. It's cld be yr approach...yr attitude and the mechanism...I learn it the hard way...

social skill can be learn...impression can be created....

most importantly, it's to try hard in life and not allow difficulty to stand in yr life...

I.....am someone who is different frm ppl ard me..in future, i will earn 10k-20k a mth.....I will make a differences in ppl's life with my approach towards life.....I believe....in myself...always will be

The other side...

Alvin is fun to be with...
Alvin is a joker...
This are what ppl associate with me recently.....
Jokes jokes and lots of laughter...
Till I ask a few of my best friends what does Alvin represent in their heart...

Words were used....Loyal,trustworthy,helpful,caring
Negative side of me wld be sensitive,low self esteem and negtative

Low self-esteem derive from my current situation where I took upon everything in my life as my responsibiloty. The fact that I live in a small house, coming from a poor family etc etc... However, I forgot that what matter most is the future and not the past. As they always say in investment, technical analysis does not work because the share prices would have taken into consideration historical information made known to everyone...

History change nothing..but matter most is the future..and how the future is...depend on my present action...negative thoughts kills and it never help ppl to succeed in life..a state where we cant find the switch in our life thus we remain in the dark... darkness occur because we didnt switch on the light....how positive we is highly correlated on how we think...no one can take away our thoughts...ppl can only try but they can never succeed if we disallow them to do so...

Now comes the important part....joker face is only a mean of communication that I project myself. This enable ppl to let their guard down and see me as someone who is trustworthy. Once they see me as trustworthy, they r more willing to share their problem with me, once they share,i will try to help and once I help, ppl liken to as someone who is helpful..as i will stay with my friends through thick and thin, ppl see me as loyal..

Am I really helpful? Now here comes the answer......I realise something from my friend's msg..The real me is philosophical...I like reasoning....abt life...abt the purpose of life...abt how things happen and the reason behind them...

to derive correlation information from desciptive information and....derive causal behavior behind them...I also like things which enable me to find out thoughts pattern of others....Another side of me is more psychological...I like to know how ppl things....what make ppl laugh...what triggers ppl anger etc etc...

the two Ps:psychological and philosophy....

to change my life...i have to change my thoughts pattern 1st....

to always believe in myself in everything i do and never take things for granted...

I need to change my thought pattern...to travel beyond the unknown...to find the light beyond my current state....mum wld be fine....every negative things which I ever predicted will never come true....

The awakening.....mus occur soon...I must believe....

answer

There are some questions ehich I like to pose but I know that I will never get the answer...

Sometimes in life, you win some, and you lose some...

You will never get what you want...

The best possible solution to life's problem is to be indifferent and more self-ascertain...

Indifferent to comments about you...indifferent to the negativity that's happening around you and work with what you have to the fullest...

Everyone wants an answer in life but sometimes, answer are shouded in mystery never to be discovered...

Even if the answer was revealed to your very eye, what is the possibility of not asking for clarity??

If only people can keep things in life simple...If something bothers you, do something about it....if it is out of your control, try to gain acceptance and forget about it....

Too much sensitivity leads to too much questions in your mind....

Questions questions dozen of it but no answer...I know what I can control but I am still not determined to focus...Weak is the mind thus weak is the body...

choices

If giving up my smile is the only cost of reversing my fortune, I will do it...

All my prediction came true....gf left me,career unsuccessful and someone dear to me has a deteriotating health condition..

Is all this true?

Is this reality now???

Is self belief the only way I can turn this around?

there are times

There are times where I have lost of direction...

There are times where I wish to give up...

There are times where I seek comfort by escaping from reality...

There are times where the comfort of others seems to fit so nicely around me that I do not wish to chase that dream anymore....

There are times...

Many a times....

Where reality hits hard that I am anyone when I can be somebody...

Clouded by a mist of misleading words,tempatation till a simple lifestyle can no longer be maintain....

There are times where spending unneccessarrily seem to be a good way of destressing....

There are times oh there are times....

Do we give up? Do we give in??

Do we seek comfort in pain an misery when darkness only occur when we switch off the light...

Is negativeness such a comfort that it is so difficult to deattach?


Once upon a time...

I dream...

I dream that I am unable to destroyed all obstacle in my way and succeed in life...

A life that everyone sees me as a role model....

A succesful career toppled with an interesting social life...

Great friends...

Fantastic personality....

But there are times where comfort is in dark...

But.....

a big B U T.....

do we give in??

Do we give up just because we lost a battle when the war just begun??

Do we give in to fate who is making a mockery of our life???

the answer??

It's always a resounding NO!

tear can fall and blood may shed....

Ppl may change but heart remain...

The sky maybe stormy and times maybe bad till the extend that we felt there's nothing to fight for....

In truth...

No matter how dark the sky is, the sea is still crystal blue...

The light is still available but we have to find the switch brighten up the day...

The question lies where the switch is internal? Or external??

Everything can fall but faith,hope and love must remain to survive...

So that one day, the childhood dream can be revive out of the stormy sky...

Out of the dark cloud where the ray of light reach our heart and warm it...

The dream where I want to earn lots of lots of money where everyone sees me as someone who is respectable,kind,humble and someone where they can seek comfort in....

The dream where my existence make other breathe easier and where my existence bring hope and happiness to those around me..

That is the dream... To fight fate where is exist...squash it....destroy it everytime it is around so that I can always say proudly that:"I am the master of my own destiny"

Right now, there's no one to fight...

Right now, there's only one enemy left....

Me,myself and I....

Where life is a journey,with time as the distance and emotion our obstacle and fate smiling all our everyone stumble....

Little does fate knows....it doesnt know where true strength in a man lies not when he has fallen...but when he had arises to face the occasion at the most unexpected moment and totally caught fate by surprise....

I am weak thus the need to be strong...

I am negative thus the need to be positive...

Life in life.... where every minute and every sec counts....Give up? no...never for I am fate fighter where I am not that weak to give up...

Someday..the dream shall be fufilled...

goes up come down

What goes up must come down and likewise. Life for me is rather volatile now and unless I get ahold of myself, if not, things wldn tbe better for me....focus...breath...that's all I cld muster now....

Life is a journey with emo as obstacle...This is certainly a huge obstacle...

...

No words...jus action...

unleash the full potential in me....

seal the part of the heart that is negative or totally seal the heart....

let's not expect less...let's expect nothing and just do your best...

No used being a good guy even when ppl whom u thought know u so bloody hell make such irony statement about u...

no used being a good guy when ppl whom u thought u can count on suddenly disappear without traces.....no used at all....

No used staying the way things is becoz there aint going to be an improvement....forget about the good guy...it's pointless...u jus get bullied all the way

Enough!!!

My current state will not allow me to go anywhere.

I can either choose to do something which Alvin will never do OR alternatively, I can choose to find the Alvin that reside from deep within.............

enough! enough! enough! enough! enough! enough! enough!

Everyday....Alvin goes to sleep and wake up not knowing if he had live the day...enough enough enough enough enough enough.................................

My heart bleed.....deeper and deeper.....

My mind is about to bloody hell explode.......

My body is getting heavier and heavier each turning day.......................................

This Alvin is not working.....too emotionally............It's too weak.....

Simple theory, if u cant take it, change it.................

If u cant change it....either live with it or avoid it..................

I hate the ME now...............I am totally disgusted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imperfection of human

When we are born, we need to learn everything from scratch. How to eat, how to talk, how to crawl,walk and run etc etc. No one in life is born knowing all of that. My point is this: human is never imperfect. Actions may always have a slight imperfection which calls for continuous improvement.

Imagine a life where all humans are perfect and everyone knows everything. How would life be? The answer is an existence without meaning. A pure feeling of emptiness as everything had been achieved and there's nothing further to attain. In life, we are always learning. If one is unable to fufill a goal, it simply means he/she have to work things out to achieve it. Attend a course, ask from ppl who have experience or learn a new set of skill etc etc.

Life is just like playing computer games sometimes. If u want to be a wizard, u train yr intelligent or wisdom but u will lose out in physical strength and defense. If u want to be a knight, u focus yr training on the physical aspect but u may not be that well off in using magic. In life, u win some, u lose some. What most important is to hold those things that are closer to your heart.

Quote from a game that I had heard and which I find meaningful:

"Force understanding will not last. Changes come only when people see the problem themselves."

What I hope to achieve is to understand the need for constant changes and improvement so that I can do the best in everything I want!

lehman incident

Recently, I read two articles on the collapse of the 4th largest investment bank in US. The impact in Singapore was the Mini Bond "arrange" by them and investor here face the prospect of losing part or all of their investment. From what we studied in Banking and Finance, Bonds are typically debt instrument where investor will obtain a fixed rate of return on a annual basis. They have higher priority when compared with equity holder.

According to one of the article I read, the minibond are arranged in such a way that they serve as special purpose instrument. On the surface, they were marketed as debit instrument when in reality,it involved collateralised debt obligation (CDO) on US mortage instrument. The quote from the article:"In short,Lehman structured a synthetic derivative product to hedge its own exposure to various instruments and link it to the default likelihood of six major bank."

Even investors who are experienced in investing may be mislead into believing that what they had purchase was simply bonds. Thus, once again it showcase that having the knowledge is very important. knowing what u buy or refrain from buying it.

Then again, is there available information out in the market for research?

Fear and the other faces of me...plus life

There are many faces within me. Most ppl only see two type of emotion on my face. One of joke and one of sadness. Most of the time, the former is display. According to my social psychology lecturer, there will be one aspect of private self that is within u and many aspect of public self which cld surface due to social expectation. The more someone can handle the different self from within, the more he/she is likely to succeed in life. This is becoz facing different scenario and circumstance, we need to handle it using different aspect of ourselves.

For example, u r leading a team, u cant expect to joke too much. u may become friendly with yr subordinate not equating to getting too closed to them. A certain distance needs to be maintain. U have to lead with a commanding presence. At the same workplace, when u r facing client's complain, u cannot expect to show the kind of commanding presence in front of them. Otherwise, client will find u defensive and arrogant.

When u r with yr love onez, u cannot face them using yr public self. since they r ppl whom u love, u can feel at ease and display yr true self which is yr private self. ppl who do not understand called that wolf in sheep clothing. Called it fake but the fact remain that there is no single resolution to life's problem. What can be a solution to one problem might prove fruitless against another problem. If anyone felt that she/he shd remain the same dealing with different problem in life, that, I call stubborness. U can never ever resolve anything using inflexibility.

Life.....is so unpredictable that we can nv be ready for things that have not occur. For example, how to prepare yrself for the sudden departure of yr love one? Human remain as human becoz emotion remain one of our drives in life as well as our biggest obstacles in life.

When chances for things that catches yr heart present itself. grab it! dont think too much of the adversity becoz u can never prepare for that. eg: if a sales job u desire comes along the way, go for it!!dont let the sales target worry u. If u had tried yr best and failed, at least u quit without regret. If the time comes to lend a hand to yr good friend,help them! dont worry if they will rem yr assistance and whether will they repay u. At least u wont regret not helping them despite having the ability to do so. Last but not least, if that chance for a luv comes by again, grab it and cherish it. Things may not work out the way u wanted it to be but at least u had tried and wont regret.

I am not expecting a gun ho approach towards life. However, think abt it. How much opportunities may have pass by u just becoz we hesistated too much about the pro and con?How much regret have we taken jus becoz we focus too much on finding the perfect job,luv,opportunity? How can we be ready for what life have to offer? there is simply too much possiblity. We were taught to think 1st before we jump. But r we thinking too much and most of the time, do we conclude by not jumping? Do we conclude by fear of jumping?

How abt adopting a different approach by jumping 1st before thinking? Though we fear, at least if we jump 1st, we may realise at the end of the day,the fear is just something in our mind, it nv exist nor cld it be real. A story from a book I read:

"A man is walking along a deep valley and he slip and fell down the valley. Fearing that he will fall into the dark abyss,he cling onto a branch. He shouted for help but no help came. Only echo of his own voice. He tried holding onto the branch for fear of losing his life but every minute and every second, he is losing grip.Just when he was about to lose grip,the 1st dawn came and he laugh. Just six inche down is a rock large enough for him to rest and sleep. Had he lose his gripe, he will not have such a nightmare."

What the story is trying to say is....sometimes in life,fear is only six inche deep. The occurence of fear may not be reality and only exist in our mind. Even if it happen in reality, it occur bcoz deep in our mind,we had "predicted" such a happening.

Take me for example, I am still just a cso becoz I fear success that wld eventually lead to departure of my love ones. Just simply one fear and I have been stagant for five years. Five long years, it's time to wake up. Ppl see me as perfect bcoz I seldom venture beyond my border. Now, it is time to go beyond what I have now...beyond the point of perfection which everyone may have seen me. Ppl will start seeing me as imperfect. Why?? Bcoz no one is perfect....If someone is really perfect, life itself for him is dead becoz it implies that he had achieve everything possible.

The only perfection that can occur is in our mind. Think.....if yr mind is full of fear, u nv move out of it.Most of the time, the fear is just six inche deep.

Think.............Think abt the fear,acknowledge its presence and jump..........bcoz ultimately, the fear is just six inche deep.

life

Life is really full of unexpected occurrence. Sources of my comfort came from unexpected ppl. Just when I thought my world crumble, I had enough courage to stand up again and tell myself not to be afraid of fate. Self-belief is always an important aspect of my life. If u believe that u can do certain things, be it success in life or happiness surrounding your life, u will achieve it. If u felt that the whole world shd stop just becoz a certain aspect of yr life is gone, then time will come to a standtill for u when others r moving forward.

Life to me is just like playing games. u started out as nothing, gain experience and gain level. buy equipment to power up yr character and go for a journey to defeat the demonking. Throughout the journey, u will meet up with all kind of ppl. Some will help u along the journey, some r cunning and meant to obstruct yr journey and some whose kindness touches yr heart and taught u things beyond just gaining experience and gaining level. All in all, some ppl r meant to be part of a chapter in the game yet only a few will go through the end with u to fight the demonking.

After completing the game, u see the ending. No matte how touching it is, it will always remain as memories becoz as a gamer, u dont cling onto a game. u move on to look for more challenges. Right now, my circumstances evolve ard walking in a maze where i cannot find the exit. However, I have managed to find a flicker of light and I am trying to walk there.

Life......is full of unexpected occurence.

One of my friends once said:"When u truly luv someone unconditionally and her happiness keeps u going,let her go,let her find herself and if she return somedays, she will be ready and u will be doubly rewarded for the love and happiness will be greater. If u have choosen someone before she returns, it meant that she is just a chapter in my life,not one meant to bring/share happiness with in later chapter of yr life. moving on will uncover what kind of happiness is meant for u."

Another quote from him:"One door is closed. Another will open. When yr 1st relationship ended,the 2nd one came into yr life. After the 2nd one ended, a 3rd one may come. "

The next door is definitely full of opportunities. Be it career,relationship,friends,social life/netowork etc etc. It's up to me to welcome the next event of my life with a positive aura or a negative aura.

Life is full of unexpected occurrence. Yesterday friends cld become enemies today...Yesterday enemies cld become ally today. It all depend what perspective u look at.In fact, life is so unpredictable that I cld passed away in my sleep. If this were to happen, I will regret not living a life full of happiness before I passed away.

Life.......is full of up and down. After stooping so low, things will go up again for me. I told myself and friends before. If the next one comes, I will not take it for fear of hurting others. However, Mr T did say...let nature take its course, dont hold onto it too tight or let it go too loose. Just take things naturally. Whatever happen will happen. Maybe the next one will come three years later? three months later? Three weeks later? Three days later or Three hours later???hahahahha!!!! The last part seem impossible but why did I include it in? Bcoz this is life....unpredictable,full of unexpected occurence and u nv know what will happen next...

I certainly hope it not that soon like three weeks later or three days later for my fear of hurting others is still there. Bcoz someone with 12 years of experience once told me:"Alvin if the right one comes, even if u try to resist it, it certainly will be an unstoppable force of love." I try to push away that thought but I know deep inside my heart how true it is. However, I fear hurting others. Right now, to rebuild myself, the 1st step is always to spread happiness. Be happy!!! Even in the face of sadness, laugh!smile!!giggle!!! sometimes life is already so tough. why shd I deprive myself the opportunity to be happy??

We know we r weak thus we try to be strong. We know that life sometimes is tough thus the need to smile. Right now and here at this moment I will try to:" To always believe in myself in everything I do and never take things for granted. "

This itself is life to me.

To start acting together again

Life is full of unexpected occurence.
Thanks for sharing yr thoughts. I cld take in every word becoz there's some similarities here and there. U know who u r.

As for now, I dont have to feel, dont have to think.....Life is nv full of misery. If u choose to be miserable, u choose to give in to fate. But Alvin never give in to fate. He may not be made of steel but he will climb up above and defeat everything in this way.

Nothing is for certain. Just try to give more and expect less, spread happiness where possible and help those in need. My smile is not only for that one person who used to exist. My smile now is for everyone ard me. Spread the virus of my happiness.

Tears....

Today, I tear again from a source I least expected. Yes, I admit, memories flow like there's no tomorrow. Hopes clinging onto that tiny spectale of light hoping that it shine through my life again. But that light is long gone. It was gone 6 weeks ago when I triggered her. She is no longer the light that drives me to perform my ulmost best.

The very words I always used on her:"Alvin/Xeno, FACE THE FACTS, dont rely on that emotion of yrs anymore. It aint gonna bring u to greater height." Guys shd lead,guy shd not stumble upon obstacles just bcoz of yr emotion. She's happy now. Isnt that enough for u to move on?

Choose Alvin, make a decision for goodness sake. The impact of her on u is to bring u frm the past and future back into the present. R u gg to waste her effort and leave in the past? Or r u gg to fear for the future like u once did? It's always good if u can find someone who can make an impact in yr life. However, we maybe just a chapter. Not mean to be the one who bring u happiness. Life is like taking a train. Some ppl enter at different stop and travel with u. Not all of them will complete the journey with u. Some will make an impact in yr life and alight at the next stop just when u think that she's the one who will travel through the whole journey with u. Just like another of my friend say, eventually, someone else will board from another stop and she may travel the entire journey with u.....

To me, the journey is no longer impt as I will rem this in my heart:"Life is a journey with time as the distance and emotion our obstacles. Finishing the journey,overcoming the negative emotion with positve ones is more impt than pondering why we go on a journey in the 1st place"

It's more impt for me to do some self-discovery myself rather than ponder who will be the one boarding my train. As I told my friend before....Even if the right one comes, I may not choose to enter into a relationship. I fear hurting others again as I know I am a guy that cannot bring happiness to the one I love.

Yes...Maybe...it's better to let go. Bite yr teeth,clench yr fist...the shiver that runs up the spine will be over soon. There's always light for darkness is only there bcoz someone switch off the light.

What Alvin cannot do, Xeno can do. What Xeno cannot do, Alvin can do.

How abt what both Xeno and Alvin both cannot do? That itself is another stage altogether...

More thoughts

Today I didnt felt like going anywhere. I just wanted to stay at home and ponder over this lonely shiver up my spine. I was chatting with Miss S over the msn. I told her:"no one is at home, I am left all alone." She replied:"Me too mah, but it's good so I can nua without any disturbance."

It didnt really dawn on me that maybe it aint that bad to be single. Even one of my godsister says:"It aint that bad as u think. Take this time to explore what u cannot do when u were attached." Trying to change my perception a little. If what I am feeling is more towards lonelyness, the chain of thought wld be as such:

Lonely------------>think of her------->miss her----------->regret

But is the above chain true? cld it be:

Lonely------->cant stand being by myself--->misperception that I need a relationship

Thus if the latter is true, I seriously took some fine tuning. If the shiver came to me again, it cld imply that i am not wrking as hard as I shd at work or I am not playing as hard as I shd.

Instead of thinking that I am alone, I shd allow that thought to run by itself. Instead of focusing on not remembering the lonely feeling, maybe I shd just tell myself:"It's not my thought, my real thought itself is focus on somewhere else like work."

If u cant stop the thought, let it flow. Tell yrself not to focus on the negative but instead, focus on the positive. Difficult but attainable.

Though the aura surrounding me is still somewhat negative, I can sense some energy flowing out of me which is out of the world.. I dont how exactly to explain it...Let me just explore more..

Survival is tough but bite yr teeth....clench yr fist....soon, it will be over.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel. The sky maybe stormy but the sea remain deep clear blue!

feelings...

IF u feel sad, u can either ignore it or u can try to be happy.

IF u think about her, u can either call her or u can be determine to forget about her...

IF u feel sad, it's not neccessary becoz of her. It cld be bcoz of some other reason...

IF u feel sad that she is no longer there, u can try to protract and image that she left bcoz she is unhappy with u...and that she is happy now

IF u feel sad, u can either try to focus all yr energy on work to minimise the thought of her OR u can choose to rot and live like a zombie

IF u feel that u r all alone in this world, u can either continue to feel negative or u can rem that u have friends by yr side

IF u dont feel bright, u can either rem that the stormy weather up in the sky....or u can rem that despite the stormy weather, the sea is still deep blue

IF u feel negative, u can either feel that yr situation is the worst or u can try to put yrself in the shoes of yr friends whom might hv worst experience than u in a relationship...

The earth continue to rotate even if u feel non-existence

There will always be sun after a storm..

Durian will always have a strong fragance....that is a fact

Life is just like a glass sometimes....it is half....whether to see it as half full...or half empty....it depend on u....

Right now,u r reaching a turning point in yr life...u can either choose to rot....or u can choose to live brightly....

This is yr life...This is not the Alvin/Xeno everyone wants to see....

Think abt the past...What have u live till today.....

Just like how Jay Chou sings it:"She had walk far far away", "U shd go away slowly"

28 this year...half full...half empty....U choose

5th week

Today it's the 5th week of my singlehood. The process of emotional recovery isnt much as I expected. A bad mistake I made was to apply for AL today. Intially, my intention is to do some homework about the new role in my workplace but I cant resist typing out my feelings. Getting those negative emotions out of my heart 1st.

To me, history is repeating itself. There's many similarity between my 1st relationship and 2nd relationship. Both felt enough was enough at a certain trigger point. I was unable to savage the situation in both relationship because something happen at work.

In the 1st one, I was supposed to leave work early to pacify her but I failed to do so because of some last minute work. In my 2nd relationship, the trigger point occur when I had a bad day at work. This was the 1st time I had a bad day at work in OSPL.

It was on a Tuesday 29072008, I had a long conversation with this fucker.....yes if my friends knows me, when I say this woman is the mother of all fucker, I really meant it from the bottom of my heart. I was supposed to end my day exactly at 6pm to surprise my then gf at her workplace. The fucker called in at 400pm.I shall not reveal too much as it is work related. She kept on insisting on an 100% answer from me for something which can only be done on an exceptional basis. I had repeated many times that we cant guaranteed an answer for someone who cannot provide us with full information and kept on insisting on "what if" scenario. At the end of the conservation, I realise that fucker took up 1.5 hour of my time. I curse her like there's no tml. When I finish work, I wanted so much to talk to her to share my experience. At workplace, I seldom encounter such fucker so I thought finally, I could share.

When I finish work at 7pm, I was unable to reach her. She had previously send me an msg to notify me that she is having dinner with her colleague and maybe spend some time out. A quarrel broke out after that. I was full of negative emotion after work and I guess she was tired after work too. That was the last trigger point.....

No one knows what really happen to me that day....And I dont want her to know since she found happiness now...

My point is this: one of my colleague told me that for relationship: We must always take things in it natural course. This is something in life which we cannot fight for it. Just picture this: both relationship required just one trigger point to end things. After both relationship ended, both of them entered into a 2nd relationship shortly after we broke off. The strangest things is this: both person whom I love in the past fell in love with the 2nd guy after the guy express a certain likelyness towards them. No amount of resolution can bring her back, no amount of letters written can bring her back.

It's either there's something wrong with me or the love in both relationship isnt that strong. I believe it's both. My friends tried to knock some sense in me:"Alvin, there's no smoke without fire." Who do I believe in? The answer is obvious...

Right now, only one song can express my feelings:

http://www.haoting.com/htmusic/16682ht.htm

A few months into this relationship, she told me before:"Dear, if one day, u have florish in your career and I realise someone else is more suitable for you, I will leave u." I knock her head and told her:"If that day comes, I will make sure I tied u to me." But deep in my heart and sub-conciously, I told myself that I will refrain from being too successful so that she will always stay by my side. I didnt want to tel her that because I felt that some sacrified is better left unsaid than said. Because I love her, I willingly change for her.

Maybe it's god damn fate again, now that I am single again, I have all the time to focus on my career. I have all the time to set my life right. I may have negative influence on her before but reading through my past testimony on friendster. I know that one mistake does not write off all the rights I had done.

Ok, it's time to take my 1st step...

The worst fear - Understand it and finally cope with it

Why do ppl feel lonely? Why is there such a coldness exhibited right through my spine that I felt that I am all alone left in this world? To me, this lonelyness has a reason to it and many ppl would have different reason why they fear this notion of being alone.

To me, it's a matter of perception. Currently, I am gg through a period of unstable emotion as I had reclaim my singlehood. I hold an wrong impression that this singlehood I attain meant that I am all alone in this world. The truth is I didnt take a look at the bigger picture. Besides finding joy in a relationship where we had a compansion living through tough time with us, there's also joy in having friends and family who would be with you during this period of difficulty.

I only rem my gf in this relationship and I failed to organise time for my friends and family. When the relationship failed, I had an impresson that it's the end of the world as I am all alone.

This is not true!! there's ppl ard me. Friends,colleagues,family etc etc....They r all here with me. By seeing life from a bigger perspective, I wld realise that I am not all alone. And that life itself isnt all about a relationship. There's more to it.... And this is my understanding of lonelyness.

It will always come on and off. Rather than finding the perfect solution to curb this lonelyness feeling of staying single, why not take time off to explore more about myself? There's definitely much more I can offer.

To gumgum: Today is 31st of august. It's finally time for me to move on. If I continue to ponder over this failed relationship and how I had negative influence on u, I will never grow. I will take up this responsibility and move on. At least try to move on by taking one step at a time...

"Life ia a journey with time as the distance and emotion our obstacles. Finishing the journey,overcoming the negative emotion with positve ones is more impt than pondering why we go on a journey in the 1st place."

I have to be myself once again. Another reason why this relationship failed is becoz I fail to lead and be myself. I am so afraid that u will leave me if the gap between us is too wide. Thus........I will always be myself from now onwards..

The worst fear - Encounter it

Why do ppl stay attached? Because of love? Because of companionship?

Different ppl will have different reasons. Some reasons are selfish, some are for fear, some simply do not know what they want.

Right now after I am single again, besides sensing that fear of lack of love, i realise that there's another two factor which I am afraid of. The 1st one is emptyness or nothingness and the 2nd one is fear of lonelyness.

After my encounter last thu, I simply cannot feel for myself anymore. Seeing that she is happy is fantastic. Seeing how the occurence surrounding the situation made me feel total nothingness. I dont happy for myself, I dont feel sad. I dont feel myself at all. I even tell my best friend:"The person who is talking to you right now, I dont even know if he is called Alvin." That made my friends worried. They talk to me, they shared with me the different experience which they have pertaining to relationship matter etc...

At the end of the day, I felt a bigger hole in my heart consisting of total nothingness and lonelyness. This notion does not affect my everyday life. I am able to work,eat and do the things I need. However, I dont feel that I am enjoying the things I am doing nor do I feel that I am not enjoying it either. I felt nothing. It's as if someone had taken over this body.

The only two ways to descript this feeling is: nothingness and not Alvin anymore.I dont feel sad nor do I feel happy. I am just there but not there. The bad thing is: I dont feel for myself. The good thing is: I dont feel all those negative emotion anymore. Ironically, due to this factor, I am starting to heal bit by bit.All the jigsaw puzzle in my life is starting to piece up together.

I realise one thing. I cannot rely on my friends for support all the time. Maybe an isolation period will help me curb the lonelyness within.

Though I cant feel for myself, I can still feel for her. I can see the happiness in her eyes last Thu. The prayer work one way or the other. For me, that is more than sufficient. Most impt thing for me is her to be happy. While she found comfort in me when we got together, while she finds solutions for the problem she had and she definitely love me. Maybe the only one thing lagging which I failed to give her is total happiness.

But now....she finds it.....and that is all matter to me....

Right now, for myself, the nothingness shall heal the pain. Time shall train me hard to overcome the lonelyness. However, the 1st step is to encounter this notion of lonelyness 1st.

Running through the memory

Recap.....sms from tommy telling me that she is feeling down due to a breakup...msn her to chat....had a few outing and there was once where she put her head on my shoulder during a movie.....we get together when she travelled all the way from boon lay to pasir ris just to meet me. she gave me a kiss.our 1st major quarrel was on my 26th bday when i go rush to celebrate and we had a disagreement.

Fast forward to today. on 29072008,I quarrel with her again when she stayed out late after work and didnt go home to have enough sleep. I called for a break off. That was the final straw for her. 30072008, she requested that we break up even though she know that i regretted saying break up. Reason?she is no longer happy in this relationship. I unwillingly agree.

sun service

After four years of isolation, i went back to CHC which is located near EXPO now. This time, i believe the saying that GOD touch ppl in a miracles way. The topic was so relevant to what I went through the last few weeks. At the end of the service, I nearly went down and responded to the auger call. The pastor said:"if u feel that u need some breakthrough in life, if u feel that u had been neglecting yr love one or u r too selfish and self-centered, and if u feel that u need changes in yr life, let god do the healing."

Though I didnt respond, I recite the verse clearly in my heart. I told ... that I wanted some breakthough in life after committing the same mistake twice. I ask ... to take away my pain and burden. I started to pray as well.

At the end of the service, mike prayed for me to have breakthrough in life. He also pray for her. All I ask was three things which i shall mention in brief. I want her to be happy,life to be smooth-sailing and for her to find out what she told me she wanted to know.

Felt the calmness in my heart now....

the past, the present and the future

Everything that occur, it occur for a reason. Just like when u fall, u hurt yrself.
Everyone wld have gone through the different stages in life. Some had a bless life, some had a tough life. However, if it happen, it happen for a reason.

When I was young, I learn the meaning of poverty. I understand the importance of finance. What I didnt know was money isnt the source of all happiness. I thought by earning more, I thought by thinking far ahead of the future, I will be happy as long as I am financially stable. How wrong am I.

In life, many factors influence how a person measure happiness. Some go for material things like car, bigger house, branded goods etc etc. Some go for spiritual happiness. Some ppl are just happy if they lead a simple life.

In the past, I always predict the future, I predict that I wld go far in my studies, excel in my career and earn lots of money. However, I had a few negative:

1.For my family life, I always have a depressed thought that eventually when I succeed in my career, just when I can provide a good life for my mother, she passed away due to poor health.

2.In relationship wise, I always have the negative thought that my relationship will not be successful unless I earn enough to provide for my gf.

I had a perception that I am a positive person. However, I gave positive thoughts only to my friends and colleague. Towards my own inner circle of life, I had many negative thoughts like item (1) and (2). I realise now that all those thoughts made me a very negative person.

When I was young, life was tough. Whenever my parents quarrel,my father will ask me not to go to school the next day as he wanted to bring me out. When the next day come, he will ask me to go to school and gave me all sort of excuses not to bring me out. Life was poor and I told myself that when I grow up, I had to do all the opposite stuff that my father did in order to be successful. If he is lazy, i will be hardworking. If he is not educated, I will be educated. If he cannot control his drinking, I will control my if I drink etc etc.

Because of my thought on item (1) and (2), my career didnt work out as well as I wanted it to be. My relationship failed and I made the same mistake twice. My friend told me:"dont predict the future" and I counter:"what I predict always come true!" and he said:"Yes, because u always predict, it come true and u thought yr prediction are true! U have to take things naturally, enjoy the present and be happy."

That msg he send across me gave me many thoughts. My mother always ask me to take it easy. In my mind, I ask:"how to be successful if I take it too easy?" I never give it a deeper thought. What she meant was to work hard in life and let nature take its course. Dont always think of switching job and earning more money.

Same thing for my relationship, I always "predict" that my relationship will fail if I am not well off. why? because if I am not well off, I cant provide my gf and eventually, she will leave me. After things happen, I got two tight slap. One from my gf who woke me up from my slumber. I learn not to think of the future and past all the time. Enjoy the present and be happy! Another slap which I obtain frm my friend was that maybe, I am not that strong as I thought. Or maybe, I have the potential to be better but I held myself in fear of my past.

Now, it is time to let go. stock price cld rise and cld fall. Result in life cld be good or bad. HOWEVER, no one can control yr thoughts. U can be 100% positive and in the event things goes against yr way,make the best out of the situation by thinking positively.

On my career life, I had better get started to create a more positive influence in my workplace. Maybe mum is getting older, and yes she might be in poor state of health but...SHE IS STILL HERE!! why the hell shd i predict grievances that had not occurred? she is still alive!!! I can treat her well even before I had a successful career! All I need is to shower her with more care and concern, talk to her more. That's all!! It's really easy, mum knows best. She does not have high expectation of me and always ask me to know what I do and do things that does not go against my conscience. As long as I show maturity, she will be happy for me. It's really that simple.

On my love life, it is time to move on. Same mistake is repeated twice just because I cldnt let go of my past bloody childhood. Just because I am so bloody negative in a relationship till the extend that I always think it wld fail. Yes, I am poor when I was young. so what???? If I am poor now, that doesnt mean I will be poor in the future! I dont have to be super rich just to love someone. I dont have to be financially stable just to be with someone. I can love and at the same time, prove my worth to the one I love. Love is both simple yet complicated at the same time. Complicated because two person from different background come together and due to different characteristics, they may miscommunicate or have differences in opinion. Simple because all it take is uncondition love where both party must be willing to compromise at different situation.

Both my love life and family life in the present and future may not be gloomy just because of my past. I am a man who can turn things ard since I am young. All because I refuse to give up hope. Since when did I practise negativeness? Since when did I become so weak?

Things may not be as bad and I thought. To my previous relationship, I am sorry for all the hurt I have cause but it is time to move on. To my past childhood, I may have imbule with such negativeness because I am comfortable with it so that it can be an excuse for me in the event I fail. But failing only occur if it happen. For my career, I doubt I have failed. I just need to steer my ship to the correct direction.

I still rem my life goals:

Love life:

1.Uncondition love
2.Trust that wld not rust in time
3.Communciation in true,fair view without persuadion

Character improvement:

1.to have a humble heart that can aborb all negativeness
2.a positive mindset that is open up to different view
3.a fearless spirit that is so composed and discipline

Life achievement:

1.to give more and expect less
2.to spread happiness whenever it is possible
3.to help those ppl ard me who is in need

The pain and grievances I have cause to my love ones will linger but... I have to tell myself. It is time to move on. We cant cling onto the past forever and always be in apologetic mode. If I am still feeling negative about how I treat her, it implies that I have not learn a lesson.

This time round, I truely know what when wrong. Go away my fear of the past, go away my fear of failed relationship. Is it time to move on and be postive and happy.

when u know u r wrong...

If there is a hole on the ground now, I will buried my head undereath....

When a relationship fail, it takes both hands to clap...

Focusing only on my area, I realise something: I wasnt there for her when she need me emotionally. I failed as a bf......

When I thought back of the situation, how i advise her on stuff, i was too pushy...yes, it cld be becoz of the way I am bought up. I am stubborn and most of the time, I insist on my views. While it had lead me towards a successful upbringing, I shdnt push my view and force her to accept....I was wrong...I am not here to play the role of a parent. I shd be providing a listening ear and giving her support. I am so wrong....the chest hurt v badly..

I do not deserve her.she deserve someone better.............

TOday, I learn something...though it's a same journey and same outing with her. However, the difference is I am looking at her more, giving her more positive,truth feedback. Communicating with her more etc etc...in the past, i might have ignore her feelings, i can see her,hear her but i didnt feel her...

It's somewhat like my mentality is still in those days where I am studying part time. leisure time is out and all i did was plan and plan and plan. even after i complete my exam, my mentality was the same...i just cant relax thus during my leisure time with her, i was only thinking on how to work and earn more money....

Even though earning more money is to enable me to marry her when my financial is stable...i forgot something...life is a journey with time as the distance.....reaching the destination is not impt...what is impt is the fact that my journey with her...this relationship...i didnt cherish it...all i cld think of is how to give her a good life in the future...BUT i didnt even guide her in the present...i didnt support her in the present...

I can only hope that she can find someone better in future...

the gum and dum story

It all started with an introduction eight years ago. At that point of time, there's a certain liking towards you. However, something in me stop me from pursuing further. I predict it takes something special if I am to be the one. Destiny always plays a part and six year ago, we met.

At that time, my world brighten up when u gave the nod on the mrt train. We went suntec to chill out by the merlion. I ask u:"how can I give u happiness?" u simply answered:"I am happy as long as u r happy." I thought:"nah, how can it be so simple? u r my special one, I have to make u feel special."

Throughout the relationship, whenever I ask u something; what wld u like to eat?what wld u like to watch? u always ask me back. I felt so frustrated. In my mind, I am respecting u and wanted us to make a decision together and yet, why do u ask me back? nw....i know the answer

When I step into this relationship, I ask myself not to repeat my past mistake. However, I thought u shd learn from yr past mistake too. My tone was harsh, nv gentle and ard me, u feel down. What I did, I thought it was good for u but I nv thought it hurt u and cause so much distress. nw....i know the answer.

Lesson learnt the harsh way: u will be happy as long as i am happy, that is why u always ask back, u wanted to do things that will make me happy. u dont want me to tell u what to do, what u need is my support in the decision u make and to hold u when u fall. u wanted me to luv u as the person u r and not the person u will become in the future.

It's nv what I say that matter but how I say it. It's nv what I do for u but how I do it.

Dumdum meets gumgum. Dumdum falls in luv with gumgum but hurt her heart. now gumgum and dumdum cannot be together again.

I will always rem to be happy becoz I know that u will feel happy for me too. I will be tough so that if one day, u need a listening ear, I will be there to hold yr hands.

please take care gumgum

full quote

The full quote from the life's journey book I read was:"Life is a journey with time as the distance and emotion yr obstacle. finishing the journey,overcoming the negative emotion with positive ones is more important than pondering why we go to a certain destination"

True and if one can work towards this goal, the potential release is unimaginable

Life story

I learn a quote from a book written by a local writer;"Life is a journey where the distance is time. It's not important where your destination is but it's all about what u have learn,how u have growth throughout the journey."

It's lead me to think. Is the above quote relevant in today's social expectation? Where result is all that matter? an example from today's paper. Brazil coach Dunga emphasize that winning the Olympics GOLD is their priority and SILVER is not acceptable. Former Chelsea coach also said that coming in 2nd is as good as losing because no one recognise Number 2. Everyone knows who is the champion.

My conclusion is as such. We are part of the society as a whole. At the same time, we need to recognise our individualistic traits as well. Fufilling social expectation meant achieving good results in school, hitting your KPI at work. Walking through the journey of life implies that u learn when u fall. u might not achieve what u plan but most importantly, u learn and persist through the path u have choosen. there has to be a balance in your private self and public self.

Where wld u be now? r u merely a puppet of society's expectation? or r u living a balance life which u had planned for?

medicial leave thoughts

I was on medicial leave today due to fever and sore throat. Took some medicine around 12pm and slept like a pig till 3plus. Next, I watch some online comic to wait for the next drowsy period to arrive. It never arrive. Instead, it was my PC that was on a drowsy mood as it always restart regardless of how tightly I fixed the RAM into the motherboard. I learn a lesson today. Never attempt to buy a PC from Sim Lim unless U know r v gd at it.

Some thoughts involved in my mind. In life, in order to succeed, some basic fundamental had to be re-organised. Some sacrified are neccessary for greater things to come. Strong determination is needed....

the emptness

Sometimes in life,it becomes very frustrating when u felt that u r not growing and improving. we all have a desired self to attain. In order to attain a higher level, we know what we ought to do yet,we r not doing it. it's like we all know that exercising keeps one fit but why dont we do so?is desire the only reason that differentiate one who is successful and one who is not?

we all have a certain perfect formula on how to succeed in life yet we r not successful.y???is it the ppl surrounding us? or it is just the lack of desire internally?

seem like an endless cycle of thoughts...

a rather busy day

the past two days had been full of non-stop calls and email. furthermore,one of my colleague was on roadshow duties thus for the day,no one was manning the public line.i had one tr calling in to ask about corporate account matters. he wanted someone who is experience with corporate account opening before he reveal anything.

I insisted that he shared with me on his enquiries before I decide if it is neccessary for me to put him through to someone who is experience. I almost laughed out on his enquiries. I was like:"come on, if u r asking something specific, i will help u ask ard but u r just asking something general. why is there a need for me to put through to someone experienced?"

I realise that u have to stand on yr position. otherwise, this aggressive sales ppl wld start to bark ard like they owe u. my quote of the day:be tough on yr fellow internal customer but gentle on client.

I read about the novena church incident. it seems like both side have a fighting point to prove that they r right. However, base on reputation, the advantage appears to me with the church. tml, i will type a little on the NSF stealing rifle incident

unreasonable ppl

In my last post, i mention incidents where fight took place where the victims happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.last wed, i was astonished to read about three incidents happening within a time span of two weeks. the most eyecatching one was about how 15 youth surrounded one guy and beat the daylight out of him.

In that instance, I wonder if i am in Singapore where it's supposed to be safe. The poor fellow was only comforting his female friend who was vomitting after having a drink too many. and yet, the youth were taunting them and even had the nerve to land blows on the guy. it force to have thoughts that kids nowadays are poorly taught by their more educated parents.

Luckily,a few of them were caught as they had attacked someone in full view of a cctv camera installed there to improve security.as singapore is fast becoming a developed country, does this comes with a price that the next generation are too spolit and the fact that they r looking for trouble to spice up their life? I dread to think about it....it's fast becoming a society problem.

chaotic woman

Today at work, a mad woman came over to my colleague's counter and start barking at her to return her NRIC. Without any proof, she accused my colleague of stealing her NRIC. She went further to bark loudly in the lobby, rumbling to the whole floor that our company steals her NRIC. In this age of civilisation, for a woman to behave in such unruly manner is total unacceptable!!!

Luckily, my colleague managed to keep her cool and walk off after one of the managers took over. She insist that we call the police which we duly oblige because she is disrupting our business and creating a scene. While waiting for the legal man in blue, she "suddenly" discovered her NRIC in her wallet which we advise her to search. However, she's still very stubborn and defiantly say she will resolve the matter with the police.

We left her at the preferred room with the police. They took down her details before leaving the scene. Our boss mentioned that the company reserved the right to take any action against her which we hope will occur because the safety of our officer is at stake.

In this country where ppl are supposed to be more educated,u get well-dressed woman shouting in your face. Sometimes, I wonder what in the world is coming to. I even read in the papers about two rioting incident where innocent ppl were hurt and the papers gave a perception that hands of the law was unable to do anything.

wow!!what a world

my day

For a start, I didnt finish all the follow up I needed to do as I had to rush home for dinner. I cldnt rem the last time I came home for dinner thus I decide to make an effort to come home. Furthermore, I believe when my brother enlist into NS two years later, the chances of eating at home will disminished

At work, I had to reply to an email pertaining to a corporate account opening today. It seems that the applicant is unable to provide some of the supporting document that is required by my company. Between 11 to 1pm, I had to help out at counter duty as they were very short-handed. After lunch, I had a few follow up case before wrapping up my day.

I realise that in customer service, u do not really need to know everything. All u need is to ask the right question to understand customer's need. Afterwhich u can follow up with the neccessary department to get the answer. This implies that in this line, u need to have a good working relationship with all the relevant department so that in time of need, they will help u out willingly rather than obstruct u with grey answers.

Back from lazing around

After three months of non-blogging, I decided to start again. This few months had been a period of soul searching plus plenty of lazing around. Soul searching because I am thinking of changing a job even when i am only four months into my current one, lazing around because I cant be bother to update my blog entry.

To me, blogging is the only time where I can express myelf. At work, it's rather routine despite only having four months of working experience at OSPL. However, I discovered that the experience I gain here could possibly add to my portfolio of work experience in the future. Someone who had the courage of switching job during a tuburence period once told me: if u r able to display the experience u have obtain from your previous job scope and add value to your potential employer, then no matter how u switch between different industry,the value u bought forth to the different company u have join will definitely be beneficial not only to yrself but also to your future employer.

I decide to work towards my strength and try to have a positive mindset. In life, u have to take a deficit at least once or twice in yr life before u can obtain and reach for higher level. I firmly believe i have the ability to do so.

From now on, I will work more on logical decision making and start to use my strength to achieve greater possiblity. Be resilient towards a positive lifestyle and be less accomodative towards negative thoughts

the heart

the water drippled into the pond....creating ripple after ripple..this is named as influence...the bigger the drop of water, the bigger the cripple. be influential or be influented..this seem to be the basis of life..but no matter what u do...never lose yrself....without a heart,everything that is done lose its meaning...

negativeness can kill

how to be productive when all day long. u think abt failing?

how to success when u fear that u wld fall??

how to live life to its fullest when all u have is fear??

misjudgement

alas! who wld have thought that damn bloody stingy wld have given three mth of bonus?it's an phemenon as close to flying pig! i stand to lose close to $2000 taking into consideration the leave that i got here as well as the increment in pay that i had.

finding a hard time to convince myself that the past is history but strength from within shall prevail! soon, i wld gather enough capability to hit $3.5k!

CNY!

this is what i did for chinese new year:

chu 1:
woke up ard 7am in the morning, went over to grandma's house in a cab and proceed to west coast road temple for our morning prayers. after that,we went back to our grandma's home to wait for our relative to arrive. shortly after 12pm, everyone started to come in. dear arrive ard 145pm. we stayed there to ard 4pm before we depart for her cousin's home in pungol. at punggol, we went for to her 2nd aunt's home to pai nian 1st before resting at her cousin's home for a good game of blackjack. when i said it is good, it implies that i won some money. ard 9pm, dear and I proceed to B1 for a session out at night.

chu 2:
woke up ard 10am, went over to dear's grandma's home for steamboat. her soup was good but too sweet for my likings. after that, we go over to my grandaunt's home for another meal. man her samba curry was still so delicious. the final stop is at her friend's home where we ate steamboat and play majong. i enjoyed the majong session most as i get to play only once or twice a year. went home ard 4plus.

chu 3:
woke up at 10plus, intial plan was to do some planning after a good job but dear called and ask me to go for her hse for steamboat. she had the perception that it wasnt neccessary as i always go over to her home but her mum ask which is a good thing becoz i like her mum's steamboat soup base. after that, a short session of majong and we went to Plaza Singapura to meet some friends for gathering dinner. the final event was a movie which we catch kung fu slam dunk. trust me when i said it was a stupid show.

chu4:
all the pai nian is done. we went to church in the morning and meet up with tommy at noon time for lunch at sakae. we lau yu sheng and catch another movie CJ7. this is a funny which i felt was slightly better than jau chou's show. after that,it's the end and mon it's work!~

at my new workplace, i started to take calls today which was quite a different experience compared to contact center. in dbs, there's a script for almost everything but in my new workplace, u just need to be courteous. just had that little sort of fear even though i have been taking calls for the last four years.

Happy happy chinese new year of rat

Finally, after four years of non-celebratory mood during cny, i get a chance to do the traditional way of celebrating CNY! those endless visiting, those lucky black jack, those testing majong games where u might have to "bao" tong zi, wan zi etc etc....

i am back CNY!! not only did i get a job with 20% pay raise, i also get to enjoy PH. no more remark like:"what r u doing in workplace during CNY??". no more resting early after 1st day of visiting just to get enough rest to work for the 2nd day of CNY...no more....no more.....

"It's gonna be fun!" that's what i thought. then again, it's a matter of perception, how i get myself into PH mood to enjoy myself to the fullest is directly correlation to my attitude and belief.

to all my friends out there, happy chinese new year of the rat. 1stly, good health come 1st, 2ndly, smooth family relationship without any unneccessary squabbering and lastly, a wonderful career ahead!!!hora hora!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

relax!

i guess my own definition of relaxing is to work at something i enjoy. however at my age, i shdnt be gaming too much. this implies a change of perception to include work as play.

that is the most difficult part. relaxing too much isnt good but working too hard is always destrutive. the preferred mode is to maintain a good balance so that work motivate play and play complement work. sound difficult??? u nv know till u try....

relax

how do u define relax? how is actually the definition of relaxing?
to some ppl, it simply means doing nothing and rotting away the whole day on their bed.
some ppl prefer to do things that they enjoy in order to achieve relaxation.
there r ppl in this world who work and enjoy doing what they r doing. to them, since it is something they enjoy doing, they do not feel the strain on their body.

my point is: is relaxation simply a perception on the mind? and that if we focus more on the postive and more on the things we do, we can achieve relaxation in everything we do? sounds difficult? i beg to differ...

an example:someone who doesnt exercise and claimed that they cannot run fast. put one lion chaing after him/her and he will even fly. why? it's simply becoz at that point of time, this focus is to stay alive and this focus bring the ability in him/her to run.

from the above example, we can see a motivational factor in doing the things we do. so what is relax?? how to relax? is smoking away, drinking away, watching tv and sleeping away the best form of relaxation?or shd we be doing things that uses as little brain power as possible in order to relax??hmm....

off

let see what i did for my off day...
watch AVP part two with dear yesterday
after that,went home and watch THE LEGEND at home (yes,at home!)
slept till 9plus and went to dear's school to observe a crit's session
after that buffet dinner at tiong bahru...
and i send her home and rush home myself for GOLDEN PATH

that...to me is a day well spend

get things in perspective

now, getting back to reality,many things in life do not go along with the ONE PIECE rule. trying hard and fighting hard might not be enough. for career, it might be possible. for some other things, it may not be realistic.

it takes two hands to clap. giving up might be meant the path of a coward but rather to look at things from another perspective. am i judging things fairly nowadays? that is what i am gg to find out.

inconsistency...

jus like this blog...i have been plague with inconsistency problem.....

the revolutionise stage

a new chapter of my life begin in feb 2008

year 2008 is the year of changes

painful decision to be made

negative thoughts and ppl to forgo

it's all for the sake of success...

bite my teeth,clench my fist...

to always believe in myself in everything i do and nv take things for granted..