operational xeno:52 days

just back from having a meal at sakae sushi.my 2nd sushi meal in a week and third meal in two weeks. the payment for my SIM school fee is 180 more than what i pay last year. the exchange rate really took its toll abt me.

anyway,tml will be the 31st..the last day of 2006.usually during the transition period from 2006 - 2007,i wld be filled with new thoughts out of no where. call it self-mature or some divine intervention but it always happen on my bday and the change of a new year.

at least one prediction that mum and i made did come true.time really prove a lot about the character of a person. some ppl in this world,tok big but no action. others....make promises only to break them...of coz there will always be ppl who free load on others. i guess free loader r ppl who free ride on others when they r doing project work during their secondary school day,haha. oh well.....it's abt high time i end this research showing correlation abt money vs ppl and clubbing vs ppl......

a brand new year...the beginning about the next chapter of my life...

operational xeno:54 amd 53 days

what the hell....ESAP is 30052007 and MA on 01062007.
and IM and FI appears to be on the same day?and same time?that means even with adjustment,it wld be one paper in the morning and one paper at night?this is war manz...time to wake up.i mus start knowing the four topic at the back of my head...

operational xeno:55 days

puffy the pirate's quote:

"humans...once we show our hesistation,sometimes,this spot tends to be the very weakness that we have that leads to failure"

i do not want to find anymore excuses.i acknowledge that regardless of what happens around my surrounding,it is ME that determines my attitude. it is ME that determines if i'm happy or down. it is ME that can make things happen.if whatever i do does not bring abt positiveness,then maybe...i shd stop trying.attitude is something that no one can take away from u.

no matter what happen in this world or to the ppl ard me,most imptly is to stay positive......
if not,i can never be success....the HAVE must help the HAVE NOT but must not be influence by the negativity of the HAVE NOT...

operational xeno:56 days

rain rain go away,come again another day.
now the xeno wants to jog!!

getting a little cold....
trying to learn the utimate level of positiveness.exam is nearing...fees r coming up..
once again,i am stressed up...

but there's always my dear there to cheer me up.to support me and to warm my heart..
everytime i ask myself.why am i studying so hard??at least,i know i have another reason why..
so that we can have a better future in the new world..
a new world where singapore goes into globalisation..
a new world where children listen to the elder based on the respect the elder earn...
a new world where children rationalise things instead of being obedance..
but for now,just that sweet smile from my dear tells me that...whatever i do ...it's worth it!!

operational xeno:57 days

ho!ho!ho! merry christmas,the season of fun and merry begins. an old year pass and another one is about to begin...

i was wondering:if negativeness exist only when positiveness do not exist,then those who stays in temp negativeness might not know where to find the switch to lighten up his/her day. how can we,as outsider help? especially when it is increasingly complicated to ensure that there's trust to make things happen.

i think i have to start driving my boat towards my goal...and at the same time,disantipicate all negative ppl/thoughts from my very sight.

operational xeno:58 days

trying to get death note 2.the movie that both me and dear wanna watch.hopefully,i can get

operational xeno:59 days

like clubbing --------------------> neutral clubbing state

war is over...1/3 of operation is gone. time for the 2nd part...

cognition that leads to movement
attitude that leads to action
link needed is passion and lots of determination

time will heal wound...
time will tell things....
most imptly,time will prove things...
i am glad that after one year plus,another prediction of mine comes true...

now,onward and march!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

operational xeno:60days

can u kill someone without any reason? the ans is no unless u r someone who is out of yr mind. if u r a normal person,there got to be some reasons why u want someone dead eg:that person killed someone u love etc etc.... in another words,there got to be some rationale,some facts that supports yr "desire" to kill that someone. we call this rationising things using facts. if u r unable to accept cold hard facts supported with evident,then u r escaping reality too much or....as the 2nd sentence says....no explanation needed.....of coz there wld always be one social cues used:i am unable to express myself...the problem is.how long can someone used this line???

anyway,i am what i am,becoz of what i determined. my motive is right and my concious clear.as long as i dont physically hurt someone OR mentally,directly torture someone,there's nothing wrong with the things i do. no point picking hair out of an egg...

operational xeno:61days

what i am going through is meaningless. so what if i am not a christian? so what i am a clubber?at least i am what i am now becoz i wrk hard towards a life goal. i am wrking,studying using my very own money. i club,study and wrk by organising my time and finance in such a way that i attain a certain balance. this enable me to have time for wrk and play.who can safely say they can do that?i didnt take any study loan at all.

so what if i club? does it meant that i am just another playboy and there's no truth in what i say? this is totally ridiculous. it's not what u do sometimes,it's yr motives that's impt. at least when i club, i can say my conscious is totally clear. i do not have any unclean motive. i am just there to enjoy myself. why shd i be stereotype and judge so unfairly??

it's one thing to be old-fashioned but is it totally wrong to judge others in such a biased manner. each person shd be judge individually and on a case to case basis and based on facts on what he/she have done!!!not on some stereotypical views that when u belong to such a grp....u r such a person. entirely untrue!!!!!!!!!!

so much so for trying to fufill others christmas wish. what did i get????
i dont wish to cont this post. the more i think abt it....the more i find things unforgivable....
how can i forgive this????? the very person that i love is looking down on me just becoz i am not of a certain religion and becoz i am a clubber...

operational xeno:63 and 62 days

went sakae sushi buffet with dear,jeff and elaine. i mus commend that their tenpanki is below sub-standard. since the price is almost the same as sakura,i wld choose sakura over sakae for its buffet :) now gonna study before going for class later

operational xeno:64 days

my sms morse code:

between "." to "...", it means the beginning of another sentence

eg:halo,what r u doing...want to meet up for lunch?

between "...." to "......."
it means u made me angry..better apologise or compensate

between :"........"
dont even bother apologising...it takes a mircales for me to even talk to u again

operational xeno:65 days

wow!!found a stall near my wrkplace and in toa payoh that sells fantastic choco cake.cool manz...
time flies,2006 is ending soon and with that,a new year begin.i wonder where wld i be celebrating my new year eve party.suggestion for countdown site anyone??

operational xeno:66 days

in life,it's not what u do that matters....
it's how u do it....

it's not what u say that matter...
it's how u say it....

it's not how many breath that u took...
it's how u take yr breath...

not what u eat...
but how u eat it....

it's the way of doing things that matters...that gain respects from others..
not always what u do....

what u do.....cld allow u to proceed to higher status/ rank in life yr social life....
how u do it....earn the respect..

hence the saying..........rank is what u get....
respect.........is what u earn...

operational xeno:67 days

the illness continue. i'm quite used to having running nose and block nose symton. anyway, tonight's lesson abt portfolio immunisation is tough....vvv tough........

how can a joker allow ppl to treat his words seriously??

operational xeno:68 days

sick again....went for half a class again......try to rest again....hope tml wld be a better day again...
i guess i really have to weight out the option of eating more healthy food....getting away frm negative stuff/ppl....continue my exercise regime......

sometimes in life,things that u fear nv come true unless u worried too much abt it.....
if things that u fear really comes true...that's a high likelyhood that becoz u fear too much....
subconciously,u habour some negative thoughts that leads to some action that probabes the feared outcome.....to conlcude,try fearing that yr wealth wld disappear,it most probably will....try fearing that u wld fail yr exam,it most probably will....try fearing that the person u shd trust turns out to be someone u cannot trust,this wld happen too....

just one thought....why do guy and gal have to fight it out to see who shd be the weaker sex???it brings abt distrust..even if there's guy/gal out there who is vvv trusting,they will end up showing distrust to the opposite sex becoz of the constant debate on who is the weaker sex.....

even if there is someone,gal/guy out there who believe in love, they will shy away frm it due to that constant debate.............and i believe there's a rationale y i believe in this.....becoz it seem to be happening to me now.....................this is life...

operational xeno:69 days

miss lesson to day as mum cook dinner a little late...what to do...she's so busy with mannering the house.....forgot to buy rice for tonight....sigh..........endure another 6 mth....i will be able to help out.....hopefully,i didnt miss alot today....

operational xeno:70 days

went to office today. the flu worsen and nose started dripping again. took med and slept for three hours in the noon. now up again trying to figure out what to do. study????my body have reach its limit.....before i try studying,i betta start jogging tml....tml wld be a better day

operational xeno:71 days

sick today.didnt see doc....shall not type much today.................................davindi....................................................................................

davinshall..............................................................................................................................

bavinde.......................................................................................................................
navinegative..............................................................................................................
aavinymore.....................................................................................................................

success await me........................................hoow can i look back??????????????
why shd i look back??????????????????????????????????????

it's okie................after all,give more...expect less...................other might not appreciate.............
only fate gives in to me.......i dont give in to fate...........................................

operational xeno:72 days

everything is crystal clear today....abt life,life and the world...that whatever u give,u redeem yr own seeds that u phough.....hopefully as time past by...it is time itself that allows me to grow rather than age...i dont want to grow old. i want to mature as a man...

operational xeno:73 days

a damsel in distress was chased by a group of robbers.she happen to stumble upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie to her rescue. seeing the situation of the damsel,the genie decide to grant the damsel three wishes.the 1st two wishes are not impt. the main importance is this:after making the 2nd wish,the genie said:"for the 3rd wishes,used it only in times of emergency."

just one week down the road,the damsel rub the lamp and made her wish...bring me my coffee!!!stunned by the wish,the genie said nothing......................................................................

so what is the morale of the story?if it is things that u r supposed to use it for emergencies,used it when it is a life and death matter. if u intend to take life so lightly,u r gonna regret it.it's a simple rule....how can i use a golden ball for this???how can i endure what is not supposed to be endure????my heart is completely frozen....

operational xeno:74 days

.............................................................................it's diffcult to study or wrk once u get into conflict with someone......frm now on.it's either my way...or no way......at least it seem more rationale for me....................

operational xeno:75 days

2nd level of reality hit me quite soon. those closed to me knows that i am living in a rented two room flat where it's meant to be for the poor. so in the upcoming program by HDB,they r going to set the record straight by aligning the rental rates according the household income.it's a welcome move as this wld free up more rented flat for those who really needs it.

this implied that my household rent might be increasing by three times! we are not supposed to be complaining coz there r ppl waiting for flats like mine.ppl who r really poor to the extent that their three meals r a problem.......................................having a thoughts,maybe i shd combine my income with dad to buy a flat. however,knowing his style,there's every possibility that he might threathen to sell off the flat and gable it away. how can i take such a big risk???

the next level of reality seem to hit a little faster than i expect. it's time for me to be an adult. when i say adult,i dont mean to be of age 21. i mean adult,i mean u r supporting yrself financial and contributing to the household. instead of complaining that u do not have enough,u make full used of what u have.instead of finding a job that suits u. u adapt to situation to fit the job......

diffcult?but that's reality,one that i wld rather face rather than sitting ard doing nothing. life as a discourage worker is nothing,life as a student?not much to worry abt.life of a worker?it depends whether if u r having any commitment or not. life as an adult??trying being one....try being a consistent one...

operational xeno:76 days

intended time spent on notes was 8 hour.by the time i hit 5.5 hour.i have studies what was required. maybe in future,i wld do some deep reading.but gradually,my concentrattion is recovering.....wondering what's soup for dinner....

operational xeno:77 days

have u ever wonder why things dont go our way sometimes?it is really due to differences in human or it is becoz of our tendency to give in to things without any rationale. hence, the saying goes...if u cant describe something.....it means u dont understand it well enough.

if u r unable to take critic...rather or so treat it as personal attack. that says so much abt yr self-esteem....instead of facing the challenge of reality....u prefer to run and hide under mama's dress.that,i call is stupid....if our generation consist of infidels like this....then singspore is doom when it's our turn to lead...who can prove me wrong???

by proving,i mean to come out with workable solution instead of more excuses.....
leave the excuses to losers in life who cannot stand on their own feet....

operational xeno:78 days

when the princess wants to kiss the toad...she wld only want to kiss the toad. dont try giving her a frog. she wld not kiss it. even if she does, the toad will never becomes a prince.......

one rule in life to learn: dont try to teach someone else what u yrself cannot do.....for example:don teach others how to manage yr time if u r unable to manage yrs....as for me,let's just keep things simple. if u r someone who is able to hold a full time job and part time studies...then maybe u r able to share with me abt time-management. if not,dun even try.....

becoz utimately,everyone country wants to win the world cup.....it's only those who wins it have the say. keep things simple......life is as such.....no point complicating it...

operational xeno:79 days

1/8 pf time flies by so quickly. onlt left with 80 more days. need to determine the 2nd phase which involves directing more energy into the right focus. the energy to direct usually include both positive and negative energy.while the latter is diffcult,it's not impossible. work in office today is pretty quiet.manage to go through 30 pages of IM notes. yeah!!!!that's all for today

operational xeno:82,81,80days

the passengers have all boarded the plane. however, the pilot was nowhere to be found. when the co-pilot managed to find the pilot,guess what she said?? "oh!!!i was looking for my hat at the very last min and hence,i was unable to be on time!"

the morale of the story??time management..and another golden ball used....

total==two

operational xeno:83days

endure endure..this is what this operation is for...endure.............no matter how irritating some things can be.......endure.......endure.......this is life....as the title says before.....for 90 days


one golden ball used....

operational xeno:84days

lesson ofr the day: impression management comes into play. even if u sound fake or look fake,ppl cant judge u becoz they dun have enough facts to bring out yr true motive.life sometimes is a process.....where u can either learn something frm it OR gather the facts and make it into yr personal experience....that's team building to me

operational xeno:85days

shit with a taste of blood.took mc today.something is not right. i mean my digestive system iant that strong like in the past. during my half-marthon days,i can eat 6 meals a day without growing fat.nowadays.just a bit of tako buchi and my stomach bloat like no one else business

shall take this time to rest...

operational xeno:86days

accept what u do and do it with the right attitude,passion and the action wld arrive.
devil shall die

operational xeno:87days

there is no enemy left to fight. what's left to fight is often the devil from within. human needs to have a heart full of determination and learn to be master of their own destiny. if we are unable to control the cognitive structure inside of us. all is lost and no matter how much of planning u have done.it wld be laid waste...

dear is happy today......so am i....
dear smile today....so did i.....
that's all it matter

operational xeno:88days

the mind that doesnt work get clog up too often.the cognition process isnt process at the lecturer's pace. ended up going only for half a lecture

operational xeno:89days

today:the pilot fly past my head nearly crashing. though the plane didnt crash but utimately,it still bring discomfort to the passenger.he is wondering,what cld have cause the change of direction of the wind??he's still glad that he is alive and he is trying not to let things affect him too much.....after all,life goes on

the root of all evil decides to visit the damsel declaring:"i have a problem with my root.try solving it if u think u can". and hence,the stort continue...............................

lesson of the day:the weather is unpredictable.....life is short...stay positive in the mind

operational xeno:90days countdown..possible?

rule no 1: "IF" is a word that shd not be appearing in the dictionary.using too much of it,especially when u r in the wrong wld nv gain the respect of others.

the test shall start now....will not be playing the rules according to what i know.rather or so..to throw myself into another level of openess...but only for 90 days...today is day 1:

"what is rationale to me might not be rationale to other becoz others might not be able to put themselves in my shoes.so accomodate a little"

MIA??

i didnt go MIA. my pc got a horse in it. this horse is called trojan. so i tried to format my pc using window xp only to realise that i lost the CD KEY. now,what is the CD KEY?? this thing is what cost me $128!!!it's called the product lisense and it contitute as the most impt part of the whole package. so i ended up going back to the PC stall,bought a new win xp and ask them to install for me. for my forgetfulness,the toal cost,including cab fare is $168.hence to conclude, always let the IT guys handle their stuff.the finance guys just pay up will do...

the past few days

was sick on thu.didnt do much except to rest.on fri,resume wrk with a tired body and lesson continue as usual.yesterday was my off day.dear came over to accompany me while i wrk.after that,we went for a movie GUARDIAN. the movie was good.just like singapore's version of diver.and today...i wrk again...and here i am ...doing some lazy blogging..lol

off day - wed

today is my off day. woke up at 745am to go for a jog.glad to see that the haze is finally clearing due to some monsoon which is supposed to change the wind direction.jog for around 3km before resuming my studies at 10pm. took one hour for investment management to recap on efficient market hypothesis.at 11am,i started to revise through all the Spsychologist topic which i have not written the summary for the lecture. in total,i spend 5 hours studying today, a far cry from the days where i can hit 9 hour.have to slowly step up a gear as the topic is getting harder.

around 2pm,dear came along to accompany me. cant emphasize enough that i really appreciate her effort to travel to my place in whampoa after her lessons. we enjoyed which other company even though we r doing our own work. took a nap around 4pm. it started raining ard 430pm. sorrie let me rephase,it literally poured and i thought i might have to skip lecture.fortunately,the rain stop today.

went for lecture at 745pm as they r having test during the 1st hour.after lecture,here's what i am doing now.to summarise,i need to buck up soon.

the rest of the week

sat

It's elaine's bday.we went to the riverside indonesia restuarant where mum wrk to have dinner.as usual,the bbq chicken is the best.the curry chicken is very nice as well.after that,we went for DBO.went hme ard 200am.nowadays,my body appears to be weary for clubbing..

sun

Relax at hme waiting for dear to come over.after which we went for movie at marina aquare.this is our 3rd movie for the week and we watch THE PRESIDUE (something like that for the spelling).the movie was good,raise concern about the part on modern world where if is it neccessary for human cloning.

mon

relax at home to play CM.after dear came over to have dinner.mum cooked sze suan cai soup with my favourite luncheon meat with red bean.surprisingly,that dish apprears to be dear's favourite as well.

today,wrk started,the whole day was like the week i enjoyed prior to that.in this holiday,i learn something impt,it's not how much time that we have that matter,what really matter most is how we spent our time..this holiday was meant to be a SP walkthrough but i spend time having headache,on CM and intial D. though my body was partially rested,but part of me wonder why i am not wrking as hard as i shd have...tml,another day shall begin.i shall try to do some SP...

fri 20102006

what is impt is worth doing it....time is nv the factor...passion is...at the same time,is what u r doing rationale to the extend that it reaches the stage that u can spend a lot of time?in adulthood, when i say adulthood,i dont mean past 21.my definition of adulthood is where u r carrying responsibilty and u r most likely unable to enjoy the carefree life which u have when u r young. example are being the head of household,holding a job to support yr family,organising things in the family,or least the bare minimal,supporting yrself financially etc etc.....

when u reach this stage,things are not so carefree anymore.u r unable to demand things to go yr way.u must understand that u r unable to always have things yr way. u r unable to control every situation to yr own preferences.even if u r able to,most likely,it comes with a price call stress.currently,i am taking in a lot of such stress.wrking five days a week,during off days,i have to do revision.this hectic lifestyle is driving me nuts sometimes.i am supposed to be in holiday mood this week but what i got is headache during lectures,neck pain during reading.unable to concentrate at all.when i tried to analyst things in my cognition process,the neck hurts and i can feel my brain pumping.at this extend,i will most likely to go mad.

though i might be feeling the stress,when i think it back,i feel that it is worth it.if i were to take away my studies and only work,i wld be taking my time for granted.i wont be enjoying life to its fullest.i dont want to come home after work everyday staring at the computer screen surfing meaninglessly though online forum or friends making website like frienster. i dont want to keep my time too freely till it flows out of my hand.what i need to know is at the end of a hardworking day,i need to ask myself...is this worth it??am i doing the right things????

while getting a 1st class is impt to get u the dream job,it is often the personality factor that determine the level of progress in yr dream job.having said that,i ask myself.am i studying so bloody hard...with all the headache,neck pain for nothing??coming back to the point of studying.there's three ways:

1.going through everything covering every details and make sure that u read though everything once

2.spend the same amt of time going through in details for part of the topic.

3.doing the genius way......doing both 1 and 2.

option three is actually getting the best out of both side of the world.we always like that scenario to occur but in reality,time is a factor i do not have and even i have,it is often not in abundance.this is to me life.....i am still thinking...of adjusting what i call my way of life....

day 10 - xeno

watch the whole series of intial D to relax.now i know why i am unable to enjoy even though it is holiday liao.coz my mind is always thining ahead even when i am doing things NOW.i didnt really put my heart in the things i do NOW as i am always thinking abt the future....

time to use the next four days as practical...

day 9 - xeno

headache headache go away...neck pain neck pain go away...
i think i know why i have this kind of pain...over-stress...let me relax 1st...

leave started

my leave started from yesterday,what i did the past few days was to observe the weather and i made a conclustion that it was not a good time to go jogging becoz the noon period was the time where the haze was the strongest.most likely,it went past 100 which was the unhealthy level.to train my concentration,i indulged myself in four hour of CM before gg to SP to pick dear up.mum dishes out a simple meal and after that,we went JP to catch the jackie chan movie.it's been a long time since i watch a chinese firm which is two hour.after the movie,i went home by taking the last bus...

day 8 - xeno

for monday,i wrk night shift.from 2-11pm with my lunch time at 4.15pm. stupid right?but this is life.the morning like today was hazy.had not been jogging for a few days liao.wonder can i score silver for my ippt?all that is left is one station,which is stnading board jump.i still have time to wrk it out.just need more self-belief in myself.after all,the differences between a pass and silver is $200. jia you!!!!!!

day 7 - xeno

woke up today at 7plus. cant sleep as i am used to waking up early.so decide to wake up and change for a jog.the haze outside today is terrible.i estimated it to be 100 and above.scap my plan for a jog and surf the net to clear my email,finish up the fri and sat newspaper before settling down to study management accounting.at ard 1.15pm,i completed the lecture's requirement and dear called to inform that service was done."just nice" i thought,finish up the last game on CM and went to toa payoh for lunch.had duck bee hoon which tasted sub-standard.dear had two poh pia which tasted no good as well.

thereafter,we took a short walk before coming home.now waiting fot the choosen one to be up.lolz...

day 6 - xeno

BCP in haw par.followed by meeting dear.initial plan was to bring her to aginsan restaurant for her favourite noodle but she wants to do manicure 1st.so i waited for her at PS...as long as she is happy can liao...meet her and then jeff...when walking ard at PS.after we go changi to pick elaine up and go euro for pasar malam.then go arcade to play pool and dear 's eye lit up when we mention pool......

at the end of the day...everything for happiness went downhill....no comm...and i dun even know what hit....why is frank communication so difficult this days...

day 5 - xeno

today is my off day. techinically speaking,off day is a day where i have MORE time to study what i have missed out during my non-study,wrking day which is monday and tue.work up at 8.45am,took another 3km hog followed by breakfast bought my mum.read 30 min of comic before resuming my studies at 11.30am.dear came over around 12.30pm to accompany me.in the process of doing so,the opportunity cost is the time lost on her lecture.which means to say....she skip lecture today!

wld be preparing my journey to SIM later at 5.30pm for investment management.tml shall be 7-4pm shift followed by BCP testing ast haw par.that's all!!!!

oops...forget to mention,wld be calling siao char bo and her indian bf to discuss abt meeting on sun.wld they prefer to shop around town area tml and movie on sun??or they prefer to come out earlier on sun to do both item??

day 4 - xeno

1st half of the day begin with pratising the new system for 2FA followed by a test which i passed easily.for lunch,i had mee goreng and after that,continue my routine of taking calls.had a newbie attched to me for listening in.name was zen i think....just here for four days only.told her that it's good that she's in banking. less stressful when compared with credit card department.

had a briefing on what to do on sat,after that,i went lesson and was 30 min late.cldnt quite concentrate due to gastric and lack of focus.once again,the latter has slowly crept into my habit.seriously need to established some self-schema to stay focus.after class took a cab and met up with dear for a while.she's disappointed that her assignment didnt turn out well as expected.so i tried to cheer her up with a tube of ice-cream from hazedoes (whatever is the spelling).

before i left for home.she told me that she is gonna nap for 45 min.....till now,haven seen her in msn....have a instinct belief that she is still sleeping despite waking her up twice...................................................................let me just stop here.wld blog the rest tml.....let's not jump to conclusion 1st.....

to conlcude on another experiment.eating fried food doesnt keep gastric away!

xeno - day 3

today there's no calls to take.was pratically absorbing a whole day of traning lecture for a new product.training at wrk place is relaxing when compared to take call.at least u r not monitor for the time u go toilet.whenever i put on my headset,it's like tieing myself to a life support machine.what is read out from the machine wld determine my bonus and performance which in turn determined my chance of promotion.

lunch was 1.5 hour,went with a colleague to a further place to eat lunch.despite my gastric.i ordered curry briyani.after i gobbled up my food,i didnt have any reaction in my stomach.no feelings of gasy acid rolling in my stomach awaiting to be burp out.it seem that my stomach is more in taking in fried and healthy food.becoz if i eat yong tau who,which belongs to the healthy category,i nv fail to burp..

curious,i took another experiment by having fried bee hoon and oreo ice blend for dinner.while there's intial burp,but it stop afterwards....and at tea break,i took pineapple tart and choco cake.no reaction again.......let me try to continue the experiment tml....

just came back home for one hour liao.was intending to job when i saw that the haze is "there" ard my jogging place.have to postone it till tml morning.sigh....what to do....at the mercy at the indonesia fire burning..tml is FI....as i am typing...i realise i have pack my notes.tml...shall be another half day of training....
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shall end this blog by saying...."fate fighter always rule!!!"

focus

look at what u type....focus...yr time....ia abt to be a dragging constant....yess..u have the time...but u r unable to do wrk.....u can have all the time in the world but for what?????????r u using the time to wrk????????????????or to use the time to loaf?????think hard....26 years of relaxation.......it is time to wake up and be more harsh????????????????????????????????

focus.............be totally emotionless...so that u can gain back all the feeling slowly.............the positive emotion..........for yrself.....and for the choosen one who will stay with me till the end.........

focus..............

day 2 - xeno

same routine.just that i slept much lesser last night.but it's worth it since i managed to clear some doubt on my mind..woke up at 6am,took a cab to wrk.today's call is pretty normal.everything's fine except the abnormal lunchtime which is at 10am.gastric hurt after every meal except dinner time.mum's food is the best...

have been thinking what to do during my one week leave now that elaine's chalet is cancelled.most probably spend some time reading the psychological book which i bought..as well as do some deep thinking abt how to proceed with my next stage of life...today i jog ard 3km and gdo some exercise to increase my chance to hit the silver point for my ippt.jia you!!!self-belief


as for the weekend..most probably meeting up with dear,elaine and jeff for movie.still awaiting for confirmation...tml having training.start at 9am..so i have more time to study.....NOW!!!

day 1 - xeno

woke up at 555am.1st shift of my favourite 7am where there's no call during the 1st hour.my "lunch" time was at 1015am. note the inverted com..today was considered a normal day.there's low call volume compared to other days.didnt received much cashline call either.it's good!becoz i was thinking through some stuff regarding my latest relationship.how not to repeat the past mistake,how to treat her better,how to step up at another gear regarding our relationship. after wrk,i did my appraisal hoping for my promotion. i'm in dbs for nearly three years already.if i am unable to fight for my promotion and pay increment via results.i have to try another channel at impression managment.

after work,called my dear hoping to ask her to come to my home for dinner.she was sick so i thought by holding her in my arm and comforting her,she wld recover faster and be more motivated to work. tried to get her to stay overnight so that i can look after her. maybe she feels that the time wasnt right?anyway, we tried to download a software onto my PC to allow her to wrk. it seems to hang when the software was downloaded halfway through.in the end,we decide its best for her to go home.

worried abt her health,sometimes i woke up in the middle of the night just to call her to find out if she's fine.being a big gal,i guess she can take care of herself."health always comes 1st" that's what i have been nagging her abt.lol.....she's great.very very understanding...and i appreciated her effort to come over so that we can spend more time together.in future,it's my turn to return the favor as the saying goes:"give and take,dont always take and dont give"..luv her

anyway,this is day 1...

just comment

a true feeling expression..kenna hit down to the floor...
just a comment...and the vocano roar....
what to do,to gain acceptance...
till the day where cherish is not for granted...
i can give...and wait for take...
i can absorb all negative...
but if the day come if i see nothing...
nothing become negative...
negative become emptiness..
emptiness feels the darkness...
where time is constant..
where constant is of no importance...


just a comment in the blog...
to express feeling true from the heart...
not for understanding but rather for streaming off...
as when tml comes,i can take in more...
to absorb more...to take in more...
so that live can go learn more

just a comment in the blog...
true to my feeling deep in my heart...
hit once,twice,thrice to the floor...
when will i say...i cant take it anymore...
till the day come,i shall yearn for more...
to the day when life is for all...

just a comment in the blog...
tml,another daylight roar,
where the sun shine..
where the tree dance..
another bright day yearning for more...

fate and the entity behind it...

what the hell....clench yr fist...close yr teeth....i want to be strong again...to believe in myself and nv nv let fat control me...nv ever again....

where it all begin,it all end - end tune

date:04042003
time:clubbing time

i was with suzanne,cheyanne,grace,maybe cecilia and me was walking frm the bustop to club 7 when we past by this place which is the former samsara. i told the rest of my femaile pal:"is this techno music i hear??" we waited outside to make some inferences of the music played.and yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!it is techno music.and they play a lot of new techno songs like flying,armor infinitus (considered famous during the 2003 period).the bouncer approach us and say:"today is ladies night,free entry for the three beauty and $20 for your cover."i was like:"what?gal dun need to pay and get two free drink?" while the man pay and get one drink???

but the music was fantastic.so we were seduced by the beat and went in.what an experience it turns out to be...............................this place is called rushfast forward to today:30092006,it's rush's last day.how mt feeling???it can be descript in this following manner:

"along MS,i have a friend,
who plays techno till the end,
though the night,
with disco light,
techno here,techno there,tecno techno every night,
but alas,the day has come,
my friend finally see no light,
reality has hit,
really deep,
now it's time,to end this shit,

along ms,i have a friend,
a place where the music never end,
it's call rush,
but not dust,
thus.....all great things has to end,
the last dance,
the last trance,
may rush holds a place in my heart.."

========================================================

the above post is supposed to be for last night.but i didnt have time to complete.anyway,rush decide to extend for one more week.but my association ends here.....

life as a whole

imagine the scenario that the world is still living on a barter economy (is the word barter right?).everyone produces their own needs.everone fend for themselves.there's no mass production of neccessity item.what wld happen?

it's simple,the world will not change,improvement will not take place becoz there's less interaction with others. applying this theory to life,we cant possible live alone. at some point of time, we will have to find both our independant self and interdependant self.

the independant self will focus more accurately on self growth and self improvement while the interdependant self will focus on the need to live with others,dependant on others for help and at helping others. while each individual have its own unique characteristic,that uniqueness might be undermine if we rely too much on others. so think:what is the right balance that u need for both self? or what is the degree of inter-dependancy that u need frm others?

r u able to communicate with others and yet,display on yr own viewpoint or r u just a passby in life?

look at this question:"tell me more abt yrself?"

how wld u go to describe yrself???

.........................
.
.
.
.
.
.to sidetrack a little,i might have found my inter-dependancy.though most likely it's another tough journey ahead. but he who lacks the courage to take another change in life......is destined to fail without even trying....

way of life

feel yr body,feel yr soul.know what it is true to u.know what u want in life.if u dont,life is just a passing constant. know what u want to improve abt yrself.if u dont,changes never take place.u can have all the fun in the world.but if yr priority of playfulness exceeds yr expectation of wrk,then the fun part of life wld soon be a diminishing marginal return. wrk compliment play.if no wrk,play become meaningless.

using this theory to apply abt life,life always comes with obstacles.if there's no obstacles,how wld u determined if u had succeed?as the saying goes:"success.....dont come just like that." we wrk hard to get what we want.this is reality,accept it and start growing.reject it?then u r just another person taking short cut in life.instead of looking at the big picture,u merely go through a heuristic cognitive process.

after going through SP,i realise that time is something money cannot buy. if i want to help someone,effort is needed.i have to learn how to judge who is worth helping,and who is not.and stop wasting time on those who simply plant a apple tree yet expect durian to grow on it.

judgement is a factor that grows with experience.some ppl prefer the soft tactic.if it dont wrk,give them a scolding straight at their face,let them face reality...if they r mature and sincere to change,they wld be able to take it.if not,let them be.........last but not least,the exam is coming for u...u had a choice,either face it or continue to linger abt it. if u choose the latter,dont cry when the results is out.becoz u simply do not deserve the sympathy

negative thoughts

the self have many parts,there's a need to feel yr independant self as well as interdependant self. the former cld be sometimes describe as staying true to yr own internal feelings while the latter is a need to belong to a grp.it just so happen that i was struck by negativeness today in class. so i thought i wld try to sort out my own feelings....nv expect to receive msg that accused me of jumping to conclusion,throwing angers at others...etc etc.....

anyway,manage to learn something abt life....

give more,expect less,help those in need BUT beware the "compliment" that is given back to u. it hurts and it deepen my negative thoughts that i am trying to sort it out.another lesson learn:

if u cant help,dun make things worse......

anyway,to side track abit,maybe the negative thoughts affect me too much just now.tried to dispense out the energy by doing a few quick run...i tink i ended up hurting my knee...a story of things getting worse and worse for me.and the gastric...if it dun recover by tml..might go back to raffles hospital...*pray hard*

last but not least....decided not to let others affect me....no point...it only makes me feel worse..

hmm....

interesting theory abt love....passion,intimacy and commitment.1st two are easy and the last point is used to determined long term relationship.anyway,as time goes by...there r some ppl i dun wish to meet anymore.....ever since my result was published,i began to see many things differently. what is on the outside might be cool but it's usually what is inside that determines our life....my cognitive process seem to be changing.attitude toward some things and even some ppl have started to revolutised...

rationise behavior

dear mr john man,

thks you for the lecture today as it finally provoke me to wake up. it turns out that while my attitude is set up high,the affection that i have towards my attitude was not strong enough to convert my attitude to my behavior.that's y i failed.

i also realise the reason why i was unable to enjoy things which i used to like so much.it's mainly becoz i am not being selfish enough,i give too much without receiving what is my fair share of return thus,the result:ppl might be taking me for granted cogitively. there's even possibility that i didnt comm with others what i expect of them hence,i always put myself in a miserable state.i need to be just a little selfish...human r born in this way...without a little bit of selfishness,we tend to be unfair to ourselves. love is nv selfish but ppl tends to put things to situational factor rather than their own internal disposition.

last but that least,what is out,is out,if i cant really get 1st class result,at least i have to profit frm it by having 1st class mindset. the solution is to set a realistic target and work towards it.the changes is taking place and establishment completed in ard two weeks times.i might act differently but who cares. in spore context,if u can show some individualistic characteristic,u might profit more than u can imagine....here comes alvin,xeno and gm!!!two more weeks!!!

individualistic

men- boast themselves by the egotistic stuff they think that matter most...toking abt their achievement while ignoring whatever fragility they have...

women - is a pretty gal someone who knows the art of deception by "drawing " well on her face??


shd be base our problems on internal disposition?or situational factor??

....................bite yr teeth...clench yr fist.....bite it hard...clench it tough.....soon..all wld be over....
only one and only me....to defy fate again...to be strong again...

bite yr teeth....clench yr fist.....bite it hard...clench it tough...

phase of life

1.health
2.studies
3.family,friends
4.play
5.work

in this priority level.

health-running,jogging,eating correctly,not drinking too much unneccesary things
studies - what can i say?hit it hard and see what i can get
family,friends - starting to take more responsibility at home.it's about time,as for friends,within the confined of time,i need to continue widen my social circles
play- things i like to do,gaming,comicing,blogging....at least for now
work - have not started seriously.remain this way until i get my degree


til the day i graduate,this wld be the priority level....within each categories,have to wrk out within the constraints.to try and maxmise whatever time i have.maybe i shd ask myself,what abt relationship??the same attitude apply.....dun care,dun bother...dun even want to think abt it...

let me continue to think abt what to do within this one year 1st...

bite it hard

bite the teeth together....clench yr fist together.....let the negative blood flow...cut off all negativity frm this body....grief if it is neccessary....but u no longer need to cry...if u cry,u r not determine...if u cry,u lose and may never win...

yes,the action might not be perfect...but the mindset can still be improve and be perfected...
the paper might not be 1st class but the mindset mus be of 1st class....

wat the heck...wat past is past...though wat i say is just in words but the words proves my attitude....it define my attitude...i just need more affection to channel my attitude into my behavior..it's hard as it is never easy...

i wan to make my this major failure as my turning point..this body cannot take the strenuous challenge that i am gg through now...i need a new body....a body which will take me to the next level....

but before i cross over to this turning point...allow me to grieve abit knowing that i am switching off the light of me internally to experience some darkness. for i always rem that darkness is there only becoz we turn off the "switch" which turn off the light. if the might is switch on, darkness is non-existence.....

but for now,let me grieve over a failed attempt to syconise my behavior towards the attitude i have. the failed attempt to get the 1st class i have been dreaming off...for after the grieving comes the next step in life.....changes.....improvement....more challenges....

i am alvin,xeno and the gm.....alvin being my intelligence...xeno being my emotion and gm being my fighting spirit....and this is xeno writing..

the grieve......that no good means no goods.....i need no consolation...and that all i need is the determination to improve........that's it....may the force be with me...

2nd best............

u mean i really have to try harder than this to achieve what i need?no As in the 1st four module....need to get at least 87 points for the other four module to be even considered for 1st class...am i always 2nd best????????????????fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is no good......no good at all...............this is simply not enough.........

fate defying quality...?

is there really such a thing call fate defying half?hmm.....the fate defying quality that i am looking for cld be simply defined:to be able to make the most of life when the odd r against u.meaning instead of looking a glass which is half empty,we shd view it as half full.

instead of looking at things that cannot be change,we look at things we can change...
instead of looking at things that we have not achieved,we enjoy those things that we have achieved and think of ways to improve further...

simple to say,hard to achieve.gues such a person dun exist liao.......

nu

all things start with nu,and end with nu.

nu signify the beginning of life,the end of life.it signify the beginning of a cycle.
life,death...
love,hate...
good,bad...
all the positive,all the negative....

there's a certain way of life that seems to go through a cycle...for example,

thoughts -------->action----->habit--------->character---------->destiny

everything is link up i one way or the other.the cognitive process have a structure of organising thoughts that allows us to seek attention,understnad info,retain them and then use them when neccessary....

just once,i wld like to try to enter the NU mood...the feeling of gong with a cycle ...a way of life...
just one day.....will do...for even if reality is tough...then my suggestion is to break though it by creating yr very own reality.

fail i might but i shall try.just one day...the way of life...NU

enlightenment

some things nv change:

1.change remain a constant in life
2.once u think of yrself like a leopard,u nv change
3.success..................nv come just like that,we need to change
4.we cant always expect things to go our way.sometimes,we have to enjoy wat we have and nv take things for granted.if not,we might lose things that we deem most impt.hence,the thing to perfect is the mindset
5.while changes takes time,some ppl can change within a few days.purely by determination
6.normal ppl,change over the years but progressively.if there's no progress,time remain constant and nv move even when it appears to be moving
7.if u cant take criticism straight in yr face,dun expect to change
8.if u change yr mind so frequently like changing clothes,dun expect to REALLY "change"
9.what is change,keep it in mind,keep it constant but nv boost abt it
10.last but not least,talk is cheap,it's the action that determine changes

what a process for me.to see things differently frm another pespective.does this means....i have change?the next few days tell...

push push!!

no good no good...an elite doesnt have mood swing....guess i will find a suitable time period to really medicate on the problem on alonelyness.......may the force be with me.....

one more step higher

manage to complete TOP today.it's true that if u use walkthough to complete a game.there's no achievement even when u can get ahold of all the item. without walkthrough, u might not complete the game perfectly,but i do it by yrself!there's some level of achievement indeed.

i have been thinking. since gaming is of little interest to me,maybe i shall focus on something more alive. like doing a deeper analysis of social psychology,focusing more on ppl etc etc. i have reach another stage of life. time is precious and every sec counts.need to start another level of priority task accomplishment. mainly,to focus more on my health,studies,ppl,wrk in that manner.after i complete my studies,wrk will become more impt.and there wld be a change of hierachy....hmmm.......something like that. let me think through it....need to start doing things at another level level liao....this reminds me:



along the dreamland,i have a dream...
something huge,something big...
to be cool,to be good...
to be of assistance in anyway i cld...

for life is....
something good...
to be enjoy....
to be cherish....

along the dreamland,i have a dream...
when i am big,when i am famous...
when i have power...
i shall help...
to return what society have given me...
so that in turn,the society can have much improvement...

to accomplish that...
i need support....
frm families.....
frm friends....
and maybe frm a special someone...
who dare to defy things...
who dare to defy fate...
who dare to stand up like me and say
"hey!i run my life,how abt u???"

if it can be founded...so be it...
if it's unrealistic...so be it...
for living life itself is to solve problem...
meet challenge....
stand on top of the challenges and say
"hey,i manage the impossible!so what's next?"

all i need...is a little more believe...
all i need...is a little more judgement factor...
so when the right one comes along...
i wld be able to sweep her though and say
"hey,let's challenge the impossible together!"

can such a person be found...?
i dare say yeah!
does such a person exist in the world...?
i'm sure there is...
for i wait continue to improve till the day comes...
when my dream becomes reality and i can say:
"hey!i believe,so can u"

along the dreamland...
i have a dream...
to live life to its fullest...
to be there...
conquer...
help...
and to love...
and this is my reality...
my way of life...

attitude

some ppl r just plain childish.unable to differentiate what is impt and what is not...
sigh.......is there really such a thing called dissonance between attitude and behavior?
or some ppl just prefer to remain childish?????

what type of attitude is that?

will the wind blow?

he comes and goes like the wind...
wherever he goes,he tries his best to bring laughter...
wherever he goes,he tries to unite the point of fun together...
and wherever he goes,he tries to respect others and in the process,gain others' respect as well...

but today xeno feels that everything that goes through sucks.......
the planning,the failure,the organisation.....everything abt fun just dont go smoothly....
he thinks..... and decides that he WILL organise stuff again.....for fun and for laughter....
but the problem is...will the wind blows again?
will it be the same old fun?or a DIFFERENT kind of grp fun??

it is time to go?time will tell and only xeno will know...
for now,everything sucks....
not solely becoz of things that did not go through successfully,
but becoz of things that ppl assumed abt xeno that makes him......angry...
ya...angry is the right word to use.after 11 mth,xeno finally feel anger...

no point crying over spilled milk,perhaps,it is time to go...

===========================================================
12082006 - 11.15am-8 hours later

what is needed to go is the negative things...
the writer on friday's newspaper is right....
singaporean complain too much when things dont go their way....
at least now i know why i am hesistance to reach to the next level...
that's simply becoz i complain too much of the process not being perfect...
i complain too much when i am not the one doing the things...
though some words hurt...
but it cld be unintention...
anyway,the negative part is on...
and the conclusion is still the same...
time to move on...
nearly forgot abt something...
there's a 1st class train to catch this semster...

friendship

last evening,a particular incident and words used by a friend in a conservation triggered some thoughts in me which makes me wonder.is everyone using the term:

"what are friends for too bluntly?" has our singapore society developed into something where we can say something good yet when the time comes,we are unable to put our words into action? has our generation (1980s patch) become too big and "daring" that we think we can take on the world yet we come crying to mama when the world is too big for us to handle??

sigh.....anyway,too sick to write.was having flu the whole day.and gastric attack again last night

reality is harsh

so is there really a way to change behavior?or it is a case of pre-destined fate?or in laymen terms,we call it "a leopard nv change its spot"?

the truth is,behavior is something that can be changed. it takes time with lots of determination. if ppl dont change,where does self-improvement comes from?to start,we have to do some self-reflection. the term self-reflection is one characteristics of human which differentiate us from animal. the problem's whether we used that to our advantage or not. everything that happens, happens for a reason. something we call cause and effect. for example, when we smell something back,our self-schemas wld trigger a action. we either hold our nose,walk away from the stinko place or take in a deep breath (jokes!).

so whenever something crops up,the reason why we react in a certain way always comes from how we managed the problem. again,partly it depends on the type of schemas that u have to handle a problem on hand. do u always vent yrself in frustration hoping that someone wld solve the problem for u?do u rely on irrationale intuition which is based on the many years of experience u have (something called 6th sense)?or do u base on facts before u make a judgement?

after knowing how behave in a particular scenario,we go on further to reflect on why we react in this way.do we blame our family background?do we blame the environment?or do we simply admit that this bahavior that we have is good/bad and therefore,we make adjustment?many a times,the type of self-schemas we have often comes from our past childhood during the days where we learn from our parents. but do we blame them?partly becoz we were taught in this way.but when we grow up as adult,we have the choice of freedom to choose which type of behavior to keep,and which type of behavior to eliminate.

here is the diffcult part.the behavior that we have,no matter is good or bad OR,it's always difficult to do away with it. main reason is that this trait that we hold has accompanied us for a long long time. this trait that we have assisted us in solving problem for the past years.to do away with it is like asking ourselves to be expose to danger.we always wonder,if the same problem happen again and if we change our behavior,then how do we react to the same situation?will we get embarrassed?sometimes,changes is like entering into the darkness. we r going for some new changes which have not happen before.therefore,we fear the new things and hence,we are resistance to new changes.at the same time,we are in a dilemas.if we dont attempt to change,then we stand to lose even more.especially so if it is a bad behavior,we might lose the very person we love OR we might start to take things for granted!hence,we do not know what to do and sub-concsiously,we choose not to change.or even worse,we might go into the state of self-denial,thinking that things wld just change for the better even if we dont change..........even if we dont do away with the bad behavior we have.however,things dont go according just by our thinking....

when we are facing a dilema,on whether to change or not to change.we shd not fall into the trap or self-denial.becoz if we do,we might be running from reality,or even starting to blame others for the problem we are facing.in this way,we never improve.and in this way,we might be hurting those we actually love.for those in self-denial,try to go through the roots of the problem regarding yr behavior again.if it is something we adopt from our parents,then reflect on the need to follow in our parents footstep even when we know it is wrong.go even further and think if you want the next generation to adopt the same behavior you have?after all,what comes round,goes round.if u give shit,u get shit in the end.another way to think about this:do we have to keep on repeating a mistake OR can we actually learn from others' mistake?we only live 80 years on average.if we have to experience everything through our own mistake,then sometimes,it's a waste of time.after all,we do not need to take drugs to know it's ill effect.we only need to look at the ill effect of taking drugs from others.or put it this way,do u want to change through determination or wld u prefer to change when the circumstances forces u to do so??for example,someone close to you passed away and before he/she pass away,he/she leave you a msg......that is to change for the better.do you prefer to change under such circumstances?

to conclude,there's a need to change our thinking if we were to change our behavior.after all,most of the time,how we think wld be how we act,how we act wld eventually be out good/bad habit.change yr self-schemas.for example,when someone pinch you,instead of shouting :"ouch!!"you can consider shouting:"EEEE".using this principles to apply to real life situation,change the way you react to a problem.instead of feeling frustrated,feel in another way,i wont say how since different ppl wld have different way to look at a problem.and when possible,judge based on facts instead on emotion.for example:if u pour 600ml of water into a 500ml mug,the FACT is:the water wld overflow.no matter how hurtful reality is,face it now !!!!rather than face the bad consequences in future!!!

........

how??and like how???after i clubbing session the next day i wld ALWAYS feel depressed!!!!!!!
two night in a row liao leh.i didnt even drink much.something f###king wrong must be happening to my genes inside.......something very very wrong.i maintain the culture of drinking only when i am happy!!!buy why the next F&&&king day depressed so much????????????????????????

god..............forgive me for my negativeness.....even in this state,i know the brightness in my heart wld shine once i wake up frm my sleep tml......amituosuo.........

trust......

trust no one but yrself.....
make that judgement right............
gather fact and believe in what u judge......

the root of behavior

in the previous piece of blog,we talk abt causal and correlation factor that leads to behavior. a point to note is this:when we grow up as children,we are all open to accept ideas,be it good or bad.basically,that forms the basis and roots of our behavior.

ever wonder why children like to ask so many question?like:"why this?why that?why? why? why??."that's becoz in their mind,they r in the processing of learning and storing information into their brain so that when they grow up,they can used the information they were taught to response to their everyday problem.the part of the mind where they stored the knowledge about a concept is called schema.ironically,when children grows up to become adult,there is a certain point in time where they feel that they learn enough. and usually,that's the problem!becoz as adult,most of us stop learning and feel that they have enough "knowledge" to take on the whole world.this is usually not true based on the "one constant theory",this is is defined as:" changes is the only constant." when changes takes place,the information that we learn when we r young might not assist us to handle the real problem in the real world. for example,during my time,i only learn internet and start using it at the age of 16?17?now look at kids in the lower generation.they might have started to learn dot.com world at an earlier age. hence,old method will not wrk anymore as changes take places,even if it does wrk,we need to improvise on the old tricks and improve on them.try using a typer instead of mirosoft word.u might be send to hougang chalet.

so basically,the root of our behavior is this:we rely too much of out self-schema learned when we r young to response to the world now.hence,when we r faced with a problem ,we try to use the method we learn frm young to solve problems,we find that it dont wrk.we ended up in frustration.so think it through:"when things dont go yr way,do u act like a kid and vent yr frustration??or do u find facts and more information abt yr problem to resolve it?" or even worse,do u claim that:"i have no choice.this is what i am taught when i was young.i have no choice!!!" is this true??well,i beg differ.....

when we look at the issue of choices,we thought abt freedom.before we start the next topic.let me ask u a common army question:"suppose u r serving in the army,yr officer decides to give u extra duty maybe for a simple reason like......u sign off the line."my question is:"do u have a choice of not serving the extra duty????" think it through before u look at the answer...............
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here's yr choice:

1.of coz,to serve the duty
2.if u r outspoken,argue with yr officer why u shdnt be given the duty.after all,officer r human too.if u can catch their mood,they can revoke the previous instruction given.
3.punch yr officer in the face!in this way,u serve in DB instead of duty
4.go AWOL!
5.the most extreme way,kill yrself

some of this idea might sound stupid,BUT a choice is a possibility of something happening,so even if it is a "bad" choice,it is still an alternative. it's just that instead of looking at the choices we have,instead of gathering facts,we used our self-schema and have the idea that we LL have to serve the duty!!!!this is wrong!!!we do have a choice!when we talk abt choices,we talk abt freedom which is defined simply as our own free will to choose.when u say u have no freedom,u r simply telling me that someone is pointing a knife at u to restrict yr freedom.OR emotionally,u r blackmail into not making a choice which again restrict yr freedom.
once again,this idea of freedom might be a two edge swords.with the freedom,it comes with more responsibility. we cant say that we make a choice,things go wrong and we blame it on others!!!or even excuse ourselves!!this is not responsiblity.if u want freedom,u ensure that u know what is responsibility. dont make a choice and if things goes wrong,u go crying to mama,u r no longer a kid anymore.and this is simply unacceptable!!!

ppl told me that their parent nag at them.in fact,even at my age,not even my mum,even my grandma nag at me. but what is the choice that u take???u take it as concern,or u take it as a form of restriction???if it is a form of restriction,then take a good look at yrself.and if u ever dare to face reality,ask yrself this question:"when is the last time u did something that yr parent wld be proud of?" "when was the last time u did something that yr parent feels that u have grown up??"

let me state my own example,my parent stop controlling me and gave me all freedom at the age of 17.my mum only gave me one word of advice:"being human,no matter what u do,make sure yr consicious is clear." i still carry that belief till today.which is no matter what i do,as long as i dont hurt others,my consicious is clear.the thing my parent cld be proud of me is,i control my finance well,i have a stable job and i am financing my own degree? arrogrant?no,i say this is confident.but even with this confident,some level of nagging is still unavoidable.after all,i am their son right?put it more positively:"what if the only person that nags at u pass off?" wld u prefer the nagging then??if u can succeed in getting lesser nagging,then this is success.

coming back to the questions abt making our parent proud.when i ask u to ask yrself this question,i meant reallyTO ASK,dun find a question and ask back:"they have nv done anything that they made me feel proud of."i am talking abt personal-self improvement.not debating whether how yr parent r,but more on how YOU shd be.so stop finding excuses.if u dare,ask yrself this question:"when was the last time u did something that yr parents cld be proud of?" to elaborate,if u r studying,r u studying hard enough,if u r of wrking age,r u finding job or loafing ard?in another words,besides loafing,r u doing what u r supposed to be doing???or to put it bluntly,r u taking advantage of the ever lasting love that yr parents gave u JUST BECOZ they didnt do things that force u out of yr shelf??for example:if u r of wrking age and they find u loafing ard.they give u three mth before they cut off yr supp card,yr car,yr pocket money etc etc?so r u putting that to yr advantage?think through it....and stop using self-schemas to deny facts.

in my previous blog,i mention abt spolit brag theory. this is a theory where the kid stop by a toy shop and cry for the toy till the parent buys it for them.if u r of adult age now,r u still doing the same?venting into frustation just becoz u cant get what u want?if u r....ohhh lord........

actually,there's one more part to answer,which is how to change behavior?i haven really gone into that topic yet.let me answer that next time.i will blog abt:

1.the crooked root,whose fault??my fault???
2.getting out of self-denial state
3.learning to judge on facts rather than...oh lord......emotion
4.the dreaded reality check

actually the reality check is something which i wld put it in my blog more mildy.an example is the questions i mention above:"have u done anything that makes yr parents feels proud?"wld think if i shd include more of such thread.to conlcude:

according to THE MATRIX THEORY,do u want the red pill,or the blue pill???

anyway,till then,adidos!!!

time to go...

and then,the heart ask me.do u want to remain stagment?even to the extend of not enjoying the things u used to enjoy?like playing game?or have u felt that games still...........no longer satisfied u anymore?or is it the case where u r unable to concentrate?
and the mind tell me. i realise that after everything clubbing session,the satisfaction derived frm it is no longer there anymore. after every drinking session,i wld feel weird.is my ship lost in the vast sea again?am i in control??sometimes,i really feel unwanted...and if i manage to type this out,something mus be wrong.when was the last time i have this feeling?ahhhhhhhhhh.......cld it be?or is my body still under the prolong effect of alcohol?

the mind is thinking at 30,the heart is at 20 while the age is at 26. i told myself:give me the enjoyment of life for 1-2 more years. after that,i wil giv 100% commitment to my next phase of life.after all,all man destined for great things to come always feel weird when they r enjoying too much.two more years?one more years?or shall it be now?last night rush outing seem to be giving me some sort of a hint......specially after all the incident...now,let me re-cap.........

2001-mar 2003 - clubbing grp grp with NS friend and suzanne's grp on occasion
mar 2003-mar 2004 - city harvest grp and chillicrap clubbing grp
mar 2004 - dec 2004 - feel,aj,cascade,patrick grp of clubber...plus found gf
dec 2004-mar 2005 - stagant clubbing grp...anything goes
mar 2005 - 30th of july - hotspot grp.....
30th of july - ????


where's next Alvin???haven u found the answer u want?????????will u shift again??

it's easy....it's hard:final part

in this next part of the story,we try to find correlation linkage abt xiao qiang's traits and the causal factor that affect his behavior.here goes:

when xiao qiang grows up,he went through the standard ABCs education system and got into poly. by a strange twist of fate,he studied in banking and finance and as we know,it is all abt managing yr money.when he got into this course,he told himself that it is for a good cause becoz he wld know in future how to manage his own money and with the finance part settled,there wld be one thing less he can quarrel with his the other half when the right time comes.

besides that,due to the traits which he believes that parent shd support their child's education needs,he take it for granted that his parent shd be paying for his studies. during his poly days,a thought came in his mind:wld his parent have the financial ability to support his degree studies if he were to go for it? in his heart,he knows this as an abosolute NONO. becoz their r earning power is not very high.so xiao qiang knew eventually,he wld not be able to further his studies unless he wrk for a few years 1st. he began to dislike his parent thinking:"how come other parents can support their children's education needs but not mine?"

however,when xiao qiang started wrking.he found out frm some of his colleague that their poly studies is finance by their parents' CPF account while his is paid fully by cash by his parent.and some of this colleague have their degree course finance by loan!xiao qiang begins to suspect his belief in parents supporting all their children education needs.is this an compulsory obligation that his parent must do?after all,to a certain extend,his parent finance his poly education using cash!

now at the age of 26,now.when xiao qiang thinks abt it,he laugh himself silly...it is really naive of him to think that all parent WLD be fully responsible to their children. some young parent simply discard their children at birth!he shdnt take things for granted.whenever he thinks back,he tried to find out reaons leading to his behavior?and did he inherit all this traits from his parent?while there's no correlation between each trait that he might have inherit frm his parent,indirectly,it causes him to be the man that he is now. he hated it when his parent quarrel over money matter. he hated it when he realise that his parent cannot support his degree studies. and he hated it when his parent told him to lie. so xiao ming grews up managing his own cash very well.he is wrking full time while studying and clubbing part time.and the xiao ming mention is now typing this very piece of blog :)

wait a minutes,how abt the lieing part?????????
it is clearly stated in one of my blog.actually,xiao ming is very very extreme to liar. dun mention to him anything abt black lies,white lies,pink lies. to xiao ming,lies means lies.no point covering up lies with excuses like:"i dun want u to worry etc etc" becoz xiao ming is very good at lieing when he was young. hence,he can see through lies easily. try putting one lie on him and u r no longer his friend.in xiao ming's definition of friends.that's no lies.if there's something u do not want to tell him.let him know.dun EVER lie to him. he might not confront u straight in the face,but he will give the liar what she deserved. and he is in the process of dealing with someone now...

anyway,in the next blogging session. i will give more example to behavior.and discuss a few other issues like:

1. the roots of behavior
2. "i have no choice regarding my behavior!".
3.choices and the definition of freedom
4.the spolit spat theory of behavior
5.what are schema for and how to change one's behavior

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this is really getting frustrating....believe it or not...
rush last night was something i do not want to rem...
fights...quarrels......internal disagreement....come on...get real!
guess it might be time to move on...
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just some thought:"through life,we know abt death,yet it is only through death,we know abt life.does small issue really matter in life to the extend that it breaks through all comm?or does it matter when pride is at stake?is tolerance through the barrier of time more impt?does luv gives allowance through that tolerance level?" let me jinx it once again:"a fate defying half wld be difficult for me to find."

sick...

sigh......just when the mth is abt to be over,i fall sick again.down with flu and fever.nevertheless,let me go down,let me fall......and the moment i rise again,i shall recover beyond my own recognition. yesterday for some reason,a fear hit me.a fear so strong that it stops me frm doing anything.....a fear so strong that i nearly lose faith in myself..but i always tell myself.the whole world can lose faith in me.but i shall nv lose faith abt myself.no matter how sick i feel,how tired i am or how far away i am frm my goal,i will nv give up.not only it is to prove that what i do is correct,also to prove the only thing that matter................

and that is i believe..always believe in myself...........

reality!

wld try to finish up the part four and five of the previous topic"it's easy,it's hard".just a side track for today...............applying what i had learn today,i had this thought which surface frm the many experiences i had gain from my friends:

when yr past relationship fails,there's two way to get over it:

1.use pure determination and focus yr energy on other aspect of yr life.
2.find another relationship and "imagine" that everything is fine

if u select the former,when u endure a tough period of recovering.....some ppl eventually take up to many years depending on yr determination.but when u did it,it's a great feeling!!!

if u select the latter,it's WORSE!!ask yrself...is escaping frm yr problem good enough?and even worse!!!after finding a "2nd one",u find friends who agrees this view u r holding to make yrself feel better. utimately,how wld u feel inside after the many broken relationship u had??

most imptly,do u dare to face reality???u can lie to other.....but can u lie to yrself??
currently trying to use my clubbing experience and the "research data" i had to set up a "programme" which is called "reality check".need more data though...some data r difficult to get...
though there's someone whom can help me...i need three type of data which due to personal reason,i shall not reveal here...one is on its way............

watever...watever....

looks like i am spot on again this time........
it's always cool to get prediction spot on.......
abt life,abt behavior,abt changes......how it swing.....
and life still goes on..........

it's easy.it's hard part three

in the decriptive part of the human behavorial,i shall used a story for illustrative purpose. when xiao qiang was young,he grew up in a violent family troubled by financial problem.his parent wld fight over and over again regarding the same topic,and that i money.at the same time,xiao qiang often have to play a middle man role to pass message between both party. the messages pass is not normal message but most of the time,it wld be lie to decept one another. since xiao qiang was young, he felt he was powerless and had to do his parent's bidding.

life is sometimes absurb,though his parents fights constantly, they r able to give him "good" advices yet not good example. they told him gambling is bad yet they gamble.they told him to study hard yet they dont really bother to upgrade themselves. the father, specially told him that if only his father is rich hence,the generation of wealth cld be spread frm one generation to another and he wld not live as a poor life.

all this things seem to be irrationale yet as a kid, xiao qiang is opened to nuture and hence,he believes that some of these ideas were true. (to be continued....)

broken umbrella

dear umbrella:

how long has it been since i broke something?maybe it's countless mths back not amounting to a year. but there u r, at the end of the ride, at the swing an arm, u broke. maybe u bear some significant in the past?maybe it is time that u broke?can i call that "time out"?

how long has it been since i had that spur of moment? countless mths not amounting to a year. but there u r, yr cover flew off and u bend,at the swing of an arm,u broke. i cant use u anymore,so i threw u away. u r my very favourite,u r one that i wld miss.but is it "time out"?

how long has it been since i just at that spur of moment? countless mths not amounting to a year. but there u r, my broken umbrella. but i know u can understand,i need an area to vent out my frustration at times too.like other human,today,i had a bad day at my very last call.i thought all wld be fine after wrk. but it doesnt seem to be.at the end of the day,i broke u.i know u wld forgive me....for breaking u up just by that spur of moment.by a volume of pure anger.....................

u might have broke,u might have left me but deep inside me,i still rem.no matter how angry i feel,i know one thing. the earth still spins and life still go on. and later on,i still have to wrk. so there u r,my dear umbrella,thks for the time being with me. u wld be greatly miss.................

it's easy..........it's hard......... part two

Now let’s begin by giving a definition to the three key words which I mention just now:

1.To describe something is to tell someone what had happen regarding a certain incident.

2.To find the correlation towards something is to find out what are the factors that leads to that particular incident. After that, we wld determine how r the factors related to each other

3.Causal: to find out what’s the main cause leading towards that particular matter. Why has it happen and how to resolve it.

And next, we wld need to find a story to link part one and part two together.hence, we need need a part three in future becoz the writer is damn tired…………..

it's easy..........it's hard.........

It’s easy to say that there’s not enough time…………….
Becoz it’s hard to make full use of every hour, minutes and even sec that we have…..

It’s easy to jump to conclusion abt something and ask for forgiveness later……..
But it’s hard for the receiving end to forget abt things just by the measurement of the words “sorry”

It’s easy to plan……….
But it’s hard to implement……….

It’s easy to critise others……….
But it’s hard for one to take their own mistake right in their face…

It’s easy to dream…………
Yet it’s hard to face reality……………

It’s easy to ask for a restart………
But hard to continue from the journey which u fall down frm…………….

It’s easy to ask for things………..to always to be in our way……….

Yet it’s hard to put in extra effort to get things done in our way………..

It’s easy to stray into negativeness………

Yet it’s hard to divert that energy back into positivity………

Last but not least, it’s for me to write……….

But it’s hard to influence others to follow……….

For all things that need to be done…….it cannot be done ……….

For all things that u think it’s correct, but for some reason, u prefer to do it the wrong way. But why ??

It lies with three key factors which I learn

1.descript

2.correlate

3.cause.

and I shall blog more abt this in the future……….

where wld i be at the next world cup?

the match between italy and france was truly an exciting one. beating the prediction that it wld be a dull game,the score tied at 1-1 and into the penalty, italy went on to clinch the world cup. everytime at this period, i wld always this question: where wld i stand four years from now??

the 1st when i ask myself this question was during the 1998 world cup which france won 3-0 against brazil.i was still a 18 year old kid doing my 1st year in poly. the 2nd time i ask this question was in 2002 when brazil beat germany 2-0 and i was a technician rotting my two years four mth in NS.and now,i am asking myself,at the next world cup held in africa, where wld i stand? ideally,i shd have a rather stable career in the banking industry. in my social life, i wld be someone who is respectable and someone that others see as a good advisor on anything pertaining to life. and of coz, i hope to find that someone special, that someone who wld have the same ability like me to defy all fate, and create a next generation base solely on rationale behaviour,way of life and one who wld nv take things for granted.

am i thinking too far???those reading this blog might feel so. but life really fly past me during this few year. frm 18-22, time flies. frm 22-26, life goes by a brink. how abt frm 26-30??will i end up achieving nothing? or will i turn my dream into reality??it remains to be seen. for all things to come true, i have started this somewhere in Jan 2006. things r improving slowly for me now. i just need another major breakthrough in having the perfect mindset.

the next thing i want to tok abt is my social circle,everyone might have known Alvin, i come and goes like the wind. frm my sec friends to poly friends, frm my poly friends to myNS friends, frm my NS friends to my church friends, frm my church friends to my online friends, and within the online commuity, i switch frm one forum to another forum. i seldom stay at one spot for too long. only those whom i have the honor of being closed to kept in contact with me. in every grp,i seldom stay for more than 1 year after the real business is completed. now in my current grp,it seem to be shrinking due to many reasons. internal dispute, internal BGR problem, most commonly is that each and everyone of us is busy with out personal life etc etc..........................

i have stayed quite long here. is it time to move on?it is time for me go like the wind again?i have not drawn the conlcusion yet. and still thinking...........after all, there's a reason why i club, and that reason, is to ifnd out more abt life...

things abt life

Ever wonder why things nv go according to our way?that’s becoz when we plan things, we plan it too perfectly without giving allowance. For example, if u need 30 min preparation to go to wrk, it’s always best to give another 5- 10 min allowance so that if things goes wrong, we have some lay way to give. I only realize this recently. I am seldom late for wrk but might overshot by 5-10 minutes when I meet up with my friends.

Why is it that successful ppl are the way they r? that’s simply becoz they took the bold step by having the right frame of mind. While we can nv do things perfectly, there’s nothing to prevent us frm having the perfect mindset. the society is harsh in a way that only results counts, but personal development is something like a life time journey where it’s not always the results that matter. It’s always abt having that toughness in mentality to pick ourselves up while the chips r down. If after a few tries and u give up hope, then yr ship wld just stop there while others r heading towards their goal. Example of this result base world can be found in the recent world cup. Where is brazil,argentina??and look at where is italy and france now?

Nv fear, the reason y we fear is becoz we r afraid to fail. And usually, the definition of success comes at a price after many failures. In life, u cant expect to plant an apple tree while expecting durian to grow on it (shall refer this as the apple tree/durian fruit distortion theory).

Regarding relationship, cherish it while u has. Sometimes as couples, we tend to exercise more, and think more in a creative manner. In my 20 over years of life,I have seen couples RUN each other down by JUMPING to unnecessary conclusion. And that conclusion r usually based on ridiculous assumption, which have no factual evidence in it. Now, who is to say human r not creative?? When god created man, he meant him to lead hence he might be given that little bit of physical toughness to last through the journey. Yet when god create woman, she might be given that little bit of mental toughness and that when all hell break loose on her, she is given a “tear” to shed. It’s obvious that men r from Jupiter while woman r from mars. As men, most of us hate shopping. As women, most of them might not understand the game where 20 men chase after a ball. That is y god created two words called “compromise and improvise.” Hence, if u r the one compromising, wait patiently for you’re the other half to return the flavor. If he/she doesn’t, be glad that u have such magnitude inside u. if u r the one receiving the compromise, don’t take it for granted as this is the greatest sim that cld happen I a relationship.

It might be easy saying and difficult applying. But IF u r already thinking this way, thinking in a way that u cant change no matter how hard u try, then who is to be blame when things don’t go yr way? Life nv sucks, it’s usually our way of handling things that sucks. we kept on viewing living life in this manner: if there’s a need to change, we imagine ourselves holding onto a remote control. If we want the weather to be good,just hit a button. If we want our 2nd half to be romantic today, just hit a button. If we want to study hard by concentrating even harder, just hit a button. If this is the mentality, then there’s no point living. Becoz this is the life of a zombie. Not a human. As human, we put in extra effort for the things we want, be it changes OR changes to influences others, we put in loads and loads of effort and shows patience waiting for the changes to appear. If it doesn’t, we try harder……even harder than before. this is the way we shd live our life……..to its fullest potential.

Put it this way, who is the person who taught u the phase: “a leopard nv change its spot?” cld it be yr parent? Cld it be another normative value that is passed down frm the older generation? If it is, then do u feel like a leopard? If u r not an animal like an leopard,can u discharge that claim? I am thinking abt this from time to time…….. r u?

social psychology,identity...... and my future path?

sometimes in life,it's really difficult to imagine that how a single module cld have the possibility that change my life. OR maybe it just gave the value that i have an identity?for example, that something something value that is past from one generation to another is labelled as nomative value?when yr mouth suddenly gets swollen and u have to hire a sinsei to use a chinese brush to draw a chinese "tiger" word to chase away the pig head skin (direct translation from chinese),is this normative value as well????

to me now,it seem that there r many many value from the older generation which seems obesolute.here's another one:"how much u can earn is pre-destined by fate??" and what's the point of living a controlled life? what's the point of obeying the elder when they r unable to explain the value that is passed down from the older generation???what is good value that we can learn and what is the bad value that we can forsake from our elder???

to look at the above questions from a psychological point of view, we r to look at the society in singapore. correct me if i am wrong,but the attitude here as far as i am concern, is the attitude of not ASKING WHY.

1.looking at family context,from young,we r taught to obey the elder. but my point is:"is obediance a good characteristic to have?". becoz in the context of some older generation,if we question our elder by asking WHY, we are not obedience. hence, we have to do what we were told without asking WHY even though we might not know the reason WHY as "it is for our own good." i am sure that ppl of my generation is familiar with the phase:"guai,tin hua" meaning to be good and listen to your elder.but why???

2.hanging onto this mindset,from the education context,when we r in university, we find ourselves not having the courage to ASK our lecturer in open. instead,if there's a need to ask,we ask in private. it is always those overseas student who questions the theory of the lecturer for things they dont understand. singaporean student (including me) dont ask enough questions.but why???

3.and in working environment context,we r "pressurised" in not asking questions. for example:when u have a doubt in some company policy and u ask yr fellow colleague,the idea is that they might not know the answer.if u want to take the intiative to question yr boss,u get the response:"ask for what?the upper management decides everything.do u think yr comment really matters?u might even lose yr job if yr questions offend yr boss" okie...that shuts most of us up.only those who r super determined dares to bring the questions further up which sometimes produces standard textbook answer.but why???

let's look at three sub questions of WHY first. Although my lecturer told us that as a social psychologist,we shd not make judgement based on personal experience. but what the heck,this is my territory,of course i can lay down my own rules so here it goes:from the family context,if we questioned our elder,it gives the idea that we r questioning the very authority that they have over us. it makes them lose face.DONT ANYONE WHO READ THIS STUFF AGREE?????i mean how many times were we slapped across the face or scolded just becoz we ask too much???

from the educational context,why dont we questioned our lecturer in open? most of the time, we r afraid of asking becoz we do not want to look stupid even though the lecturer emphasise that no question is a stupid questions. to make things worse,if yr question is perceive as stupid by others,the whole lecture room just erupt in laughter and the person asking the questions wkd be completely red-faced.

from the working environment point of view,i feel that fear is the factor of ppl not asking.we r afraid of offending our boss,losing our job, or made to look bad. for the last point,becoz of our family value that is passed down from one generation to another,ppl in the singapore society tends to ask less.if u ask too much, u look like an alien to others.abd ppl starts to isolate u.

so coming back to the main questions,what is good value that we can learn and what is the bad value that we can forsake from our elder???the idea is to always to question but tactfully.if there's a rationale behind the things that we were told to do,then there's a reason to follow. if the values cannot be rationalise, then maybe there's no point following it.having said that,that doesnt mean we have the authority to be defiant. there's a differences of being defiant and being reasonable. our parent (or elder) is after all the very ppl that gives us life,or to put it bluntly,to give us a chance to show disrespect to them. they deserve our very respect as they have cloth us,feed us and provide us with an education. if they didnt do anything that i mention in the previous sentence,then go ahead and dump them. if not,then give them the utmost respect. just becoz we grow up learning new things and have new belief, that doesnt give us a reason to show them disrespect. this is singapore,not the USA where ppl of the age 18 started moving out of the house and be independant. just becoz we learn something that is different from what our parent learn doesnt give us a reason to be rude to them. after all,as long as u r not married, i am sure most of us still live with our parent even though we r wrking,that means they r giving us a rooftop over our head. if we shows them disrespect,they have EVERY REASON to throw us out of our house,refuse to give us our pocket money and refuse to sponser our educational needs.they do it just becoz of the unrationalise behaviour as LOVE.we r really nothing withut them.

think.........when was the last time u praise yr mother for a good meal cooked?when was the last time u say "thks you" when yr father buy u something?have u ever ask why????
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personally,i feel that this is the best blog i ever produce.and all it takes is two lessons from a module.though i shall not jump to conlusion now. but there's a very possibility that this topic called psychology might change my life and finally help me conceptualise my thoughts......okie...let's not jump,let's not jump to conclusion. let me complete the 21 lesson 1st before i decide if..................banking is my cup of tea...comments anyone????