April 16 Thoughts on what love is

Love is something we show, not say. If my heart is still filled with the grudges that I have of not being respected in this household, nothing will change as I can't fill it with something else. Thus the best option to is to let it go which I did and I felt relieve.

We are all driven by our own circumstances. What happen in the past shape the self that is in the present. This present self will potentially shape our future depending on the next step we take. Thus do you react with rage or kindness? That action itself will shape your future. It seem I forgot all of these in the search for more money hoping that would solve all my problem. In it, I left my heart aside, the one and most powerful weapon that I used once 20 years ago to solve the predicament I have at that time.

April 11 thoughts

Insecurity over money and relationship drives me to think how to make more money to secure a relationship. Everything between you and me is about money. What you left me is what I see as a cushion to lighten my burden should I fall.

My best bet to fight this insecurity is to forget about money security and relationship security. Look within myself, the brain I have is what makes me analytical, the 4 limb I have is what made me run. My experience is what make me matured. To always believe in myself, my brain, my 4 limb my experience that makes me Me.

14^th Feb was the night I roll her with some shooting inside. 15^th Feb she took the morning pill. 1^st March her period came. I remember because 20 February she lost her permit, 1^st March she started working and 5^th March I send her the 1^st $1000. 19^th March is the date where the incident happen where we reach home, I roll her, took out a few drops and I roll her again and she slept one hour before cleaning up and I roll her again one hour later.

Assuming her period ends 5^th March then her period is one week late which is NORMAL. Even if she got pregnant on the 19 March, the bb is the most 3-4 weeks old. This is probably the reason why she is still working because the baby is too small to be considered a life.

Thoughts over the weekend and notes

Right now, focus on your health and adjust your lifestyle fully to an active lifestyle. Start with long distance running and freeletics. From there, get your body back to shape and decide what kind of adventure you wish to take.

Regarding work, focus on your bank job and get more in-depth knowledge. For your sideline, show more presence. On your metalk, gain more knowledge on it. As for your soccer, slowly build on it.

On your family, take a soft and mature approach, only you can control the kind of family you wish to build in the future.

The scenario yesterday once again showed how you react can result in positive or negative result. In this case, you gave in to your ego and insecurity again. The result is a 3 hours time loss. Had you react calmly, you would have a positive outing with her. Giving power to your ego is like showing your insecurity. Making use of your ego to motivate yourself is entirely another matter.

Notes:

"Your energy level not only attracts money into your life, it attracts 

everything else, including other people. If you have a very dense
or low level of energy, you are going to manifest that same energy
you are projecting. In other words, you will attract people and
relationships into your life that have the same low level, dense energy.

What most people really want in their life is energy without even
being aware of it. People think they want money, but from what you

are learning, you realize that money is just another form of energy."

"As a start, overcome that loneliness feel in you. The dissatisfaction I have come from my own heart. Being so controlling it will cause stress to yourself and to others. Why not try to let go and be more flexible? How do you let go of things? This means you leave them as they are; it does not mean you annihilate them or throw them away. It is more like setting down and letting them be

The biggest cause of your negativity is how you react to adversity. If you react with anger, then you always lose it and become more negative. If you react with calm, then you will naturally response more positively. Don’t worry how others will see you. The most important factor is always how you see yourself and how you see others. If you react with kindness and it doesn’t get reciprocated, just be glad that kindness is in you.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; You can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. Once you know the real meaning of letting go, the next challenge is to realise that there are mountain you can’t climb, seas you can’t cross and… heart you can’t replace.  At least not the current ME.

This links to the next step which is to gain acceptance that the reason for failure is inside of us. It’s the way we think and believe. Once you accept that you have the potential to improve, you also need to accept that what you are doing now doesn’t work.

I must see life as a whole rather than focus on a single relationship. To attain that self-confident, I must be in total control of myself and the situation. Don’t reply emotionally but rather make use of your emotion to response if necessary. I want to focus on myself and I want to always believe in myself and feel good.

A real man who has his life together is far more rare and desirable than an attractive woman: Confident, in control, well-groom, strong aura and speak confidently.

Life is really simple. You can control the flow, follow the flow, change it or as a last resort, abandon it if it no longer serves your own purpose. The only obstacle you have is your emotion. For things that are not within your control, don’t try to exert your influence. Just hope for the best and continue to expand your influence."

Over the week

You are an influencer no matter how you wish to escape from your responsibility. You are what you are, a person full of self-belief.

Once you choose to react with anger towards obstacle, that rage within you will build up to a point where you can no longer control it. Thus, be careful of what you say for that will eventually build you up to be the man you are today. Money and alcohol will only build the insecurity in you.

You are v mature when you handle matters. Stick to it and go back to the basic.. Go back to the days where you train to be a person full of energy. That will be the basis of your confident and security. Great health and energy level will remain your greatest weapon.

What she gave you, you cannot run away, it shows that you are a coward. At the same time, you can’t receive because it’s too much love in it

My words carried no weight. People don’t take me seriously because I joke too much

Mind playing tricks

Now last night run is an example of how your worst enemy is always yourself. Not only were you tired mentally but your pace was too slow. You end up stopping at Balestier at the 8km mark for an ice-cream. When was the last time you did that? I can give many examples that occur in the past that shows your mental weakness.

This mental weakness feed onto the ego resulting in images which the ego wants you to see but hardly something you can fulfill. I say RIGHT NOW, nothing is more important than the full marathon training that you were supposed to consistently perform. NOTHING.. You have to add a couple of freeletics to strengthen your core muscle so that you can be more flexible and faster. Besides that, nothing else matters.

Remain focus to a clause and always remember that the inner demon is there to help you grow. It will never disappear for you merely have the power to be on top of it, not let it disappear. Now let's get to work and remember to keep things simple by focusing on what you truly need rather than what you want.

Time wasting

It's not what you do but how you do it to make yourself more confident. Instead of wasting time doing unproductive stuffs, start getting focus, start getting suck in to build something so that the discipline, which is the invisible rope can once again bind both the heart and mind together to achieve the level of focus you wish to see.

Realisation about my way of life going forward

You held a lot of grudges against yourself. Grudges on why you had not taken the lead in the METALK investment which you invested late. Grudges on why you could have made things even better had you not wasted time. However, you forget that all these loss opportunity translated into lessons into experience which will deeply imbue in you. So that the next time you see an potential opportunity, you will not waste time NOR will you jump blindly into it

About the personality of yours that always look at life half empty. I know this is a self-defence mechanism meant to protect yourself against any harm. However, do not over-react negatively on bad news. Always learn how to utilise fully the circumstances surrounding yourself

Despite my brain being fried by fever. It remain the most active at the most unusual time yet with achievable result. IT tell me that among all the possibility of a strong purpose in life, 1 that is deeply inbound within yourself entail a small likelihood of being disrupted by temptation.

What I give up now will give me endless possibility of the actual lifestyle I wanna achieve. Financial freedom is not the end but merely another state of beginning. So have no fear because someone within the group need to strike out... Need to strike out by himself to keep things moving because as what I see as it is. Nothing change. And it has to be the one with the thinnest body yet within the fattest ego. THAT was what my active brain is telling me now

To understand the pain of others so as to untie the knot in my heart

Dad

Dad lost his mum at 16 and his dad at 20. With the poverty background he has and without further education and guidance from his parent, he sort of went astray. His only love is drinks and can only provide little advise to me. This is not his fault as he is powerless to do so. He can only try his best.

Mum

While mum made a wrong choice for marriage, she has suffered the consequences herself and will not have a happy ending. She is also herself lowly educated and also took on her mum's will to simply look after her kids until she died. She is fat now and at her age will always find it difficult to adjust her lifestyle. She is not at fault and also is powerless to do anything for me.

Amy

She had a bf that is closed to marriage. Even before that, she was married to a Canadian and the marriage end up failing as well. She locked her heart v tight. While she might be multi dating without fully committed, I can't expect anything out from her just because I paid for many things. For all I know, she might be treating me only like a trustworthy friend and supporter. Thus she is unwillingly to spolit the friendship. It is not her fault that she is not attracted me to. She is powerless in this sense because I was the one who gave up my control to her.

I am the only one losing control and for all I know, focus myself will reap benefit in the long run. The knot in my heart can only be untie by myself...