Last Month of Personal Sabbatical

I'm now entering into my last month of my 3-month long personal Sabbatical, where I'm taking some time off to get my bearings, nurse my emotions, and really not get too involved in church stuff.

2 months have since passed, and I'm not sure that I got any clearer or closer to the objective.  Truth to be told, I actually feel further away from God than I had for a long time.

I'm glad that I managed to spend some time catching up with Billy, and had the opportunity to spend some time with Kee when I just left the cluster. And I'm learning that when I go to church, I will naturally keep a lookout for these people.  And when I see them, and chat with them, there's more life than enters me.  Even after this time, I wondered if the feelings would fade.... I suppose it doesn't fade much, or it would take a longer time to fade.

I was speaking with someone who had already changed church, and we started talking about some of the people that we both knew.  Some of these people, were people that he had led many many years ago.  And I casually mentioned that he has a very good memory of people!  His reply resonated with me.

He said, these people were the first batch of people that he led and grow, and so they held a special place in his heart.  He doesn't know if he has a special place in their hearts, but they certainly have a special place in his.

And perhaps, that's why Living Stones has such as special place in my heart.  And if I'm honest with myself, I'm wondering if the feeling is mutual.

During this season, I continue to manage my StrengthsFinder Meet-up.  We had a wonderful turnout of 17 pax Jul, and a much smaller 8 pax in Aug.  But I find my motivation for this waning.  This was one of the platforms for me to learn and grow in my capacity to use StrengthsFinder so that I could build into Living Stones.  The reason I took the Strong's Interest Inventory was the same.  And it seems that the goal and objective has now shifted, and the meaning behind why I am doing what I did has faded.

I'm praying for a new energy and vision to carry on with this meet-up group.  I've some good people who would like to make an impact on the community, and perhaps this will be a good platform to reach out.  There are a couple of folks whom I would like to reach out to as well - Marcus and Wee Weh.   I feel like my efforts are somewhat half-assed actually.... and it can be quite frustrating.

On the SBHL front, I really don't think I'll head back to serve in that area.  I think it was good and all, but it seems that I'm fizzing out as well.  It's quite strange to go back... I'd be like a new face.  But the two boys that are always on my mind are Shine and RC.  It's next to impossible to meet them, and I wonder what kind of impact I can have on them.  Perhaps just my friendship, and my experience if they should trust me enough to want to tap on it.  Of course, wanting them to know Jesus as well, but if they don't somehow, my heart still extends out to them.  Can't quite say so for the rest of the boys...

Family front, I think God for the Dinner that we had together with Zexian, and Zexian could speak to my parents about how to manage my brother.  This is another area that is probably becoming more and more of a drag for me.  There really isn't that much left to do, but to do what was planned.  There's going to be a storm.....  I hope that we will get through it and come out on the other side stronger.

I don't find myself having much more life.... its been much duller.   I'm thinking perhaps I should just go back and do things that are fun.  Like my magic.  No heavy objectives, just spending time on my curios, practicing my tricks and sleights, finding people to practice on every now and then, and having fun.   Admittedly, even the prospect of magic seems a lot duller than what it appeared to be last time.  As I look at all that I just wrote.... I really feel like just saying "Woe is me."  It feels like that I'm doing is a shell....  I wish it would crumble so that the emptiness could be exposed.  I wish that I don't feel anything about the G12 expectations to find 12 disciples.  I wish I knew what would really grant me life.  I wish.... I wish.... I wish.....

Lord, in this last month, grant me clarity.  When my emotions are still not addressed, let me cry or vent.  Where there is hurt, let there be healing.  Where there is fear, plant in me hope.  Let me look back at this post in time to come.... and laugh... and be grateful for where you have brought me.

Fall Afresh (Video)

Here's a video that's really been resonating with me.




Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as you did, at first

Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow
To overflow

Awaken my soul, come awake
To worship with all your strength

Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow

Come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade

Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow
To overflow

Serve God or Money

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." - Matthew 6:24 ESV

Being a salaried employee all my life, it seems easier to say that I choose to serve God rather than money.  But it seems that I've come face-to-face with this issue once again.

I'm now a Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach, and soon to be a Certified Strategic Strengths Coach.  StrengthsFinder is an amazing tool, and God has bless the meet-up group which I created with good people.  In the Jul session, we had a turn out of 20 pax, and had to turn 2 pax away because the room was packed!  I believe this to be God's blessing as I had never known whether this group will grow or die.  Or what direction I will take the group towards.

One of the objectives initially was that this group will eventually lead to people who would become paying clients.  But as I pondered about the G12 vision (focus on Numbers vs Focus on cause), I realised that I have a similar choice to make with my meet-up group.  

Focus on Monetization or Focus on a Cause? 

At this juncture, I have members of the group asking, what's the end-goal of this group.  Is there something more that we can do?   I can see that many are looking for an opportunity to meet a need.

I have met several people who are looking to create a program youths, and some for youth-at-risk.  One of the target groups that I have a burden for.   The question then is now.... how do I steer the group.

The bible is pretty direct... that if I were to serve God as my master.... then I would need to hate and despise money.  Whoa..... what does that mean??

I think that if I were to steer the meet-up group towards making money, then it would no longer be a harvest-field for the Lord.  And I feel that I need to identify a vision for the group to meet a need of some specific group and then bring the people together to meet this need.  And I believe through this, we can bring the power of the Holy Spirit, and the blessings of God the Father upon the lives of people that we touch.  And through this, we can start reaching out to the group who are engaged in this cause.

I don't have an answer as yet..... but I believe that God will supply my needs.  And if I were to focus on monetising it, then I would have lost the right to steward this group.

I pray that the next update would lead me to a clearer direction of what to do.   After all, I need to invest the talents that God has given me.

Random Thoughts

It hasn't been long since my transition out.  I'm glad to have had dinner with some ex-cell group members and one of whom just came back from London. I also caught up with my Leader Ben for some follow-up.

The thing that still bugs me from time to time is whether the move was motivated by that conflict I had with my cell leader.  And how things would be different if it hadn't.   I guess that's just my Strategic Theme (from StrengthsFinder) going into overdrive.

There are many more photos I see posted on Facebook of the group.  As I went through that, I recalled a discussion with friends on how Facebook actually promotes depression because it is a filtered and idealised version of other people's lives.   And looking at the photos.... I thought about the truth of it....

The reality is, I saw the cell group as my spiritual family, as a place where I belonged, and I hoped that my cell members would feel the same way.  It was something that I had always been working towards.  Now that I'm out.... I guess it leaves me with a lot of room for thought.

And I realised that perhaps, I'd wanted to belong to a community.... a spiritual and loving community.

I recall the time when I was in Sri Lanka, being the only one from my cell group and thankfully having Xinzhan from the cluster who was there.  There was a time where everyone was taking photo and I realised I really didn't have anyone to take photos with.  So when my group leaders started gathering people, I joined in, not realising it was their cluster photo.... haha.. and embarrassed I was kinda of politely asked to leave the photo.

I spoke with Xinzhan during the trip, shared about what I felt, and I guess it helped build that relationships between us that we have today.

Cutting the long story short, soon after, I joined the ML cluster, and started facilitating and leading the group that was to become my cell group.  And I left my Gkidz family whom I saw another spiritual family to lead the cell.  It was a wonderful cell, with different but brilliant people, everyone single one of them.  Sure, some of them were not very consistent, some had their own challenges and problems to face, and some needed more time.  We all have our journeys, but each was a precious gem to me, all very dear.

Today, I feel some of that feelings I had at Sri Lanka again.  Looking at some of the photos of the people, that I know I will no longer be part of.

And I suppose this answers one of the questions that keeps popping into my head - "Alex, what do you want?"  I guess I want to belong to a spiritual family who loves and support me, whom I can also love and support.

As I wander along now, there's a side of me what wonders....  with all these changes, do all these things really matter?  What impact can I or have I made?   Should I continue to settle in and rebuild relationships only to be have it not last?

I remember Ps Jasmine from Gkidz spoke with me when I was talking with her about leaving the team.  She reminded me that the people will not always be with me, and that people will leave etc.  I didn't forget it, and I always thought that if people left because there's a better place for them, or if they become leaders, that's actually something to be happy about.

The difference though for me is that every change seemed somewhat major.

From JC to Army (BMT) - was one group of people, from BMT to SISPEC was a new group of people, and from SISPEC to BMT (Permstaff) was another group, and finally from BMT to Uni, was yet another group of people.

That's about 6 distinct groups of people in a short time.

I backslided in Uni, and finally joined Daniel's cell.... of which there were changes, and I join ZX.  And finally joined the ML group which comprised of an entirely different group of people again.

To be honest with myself, I'm quite tired and weary..... but perhaps this is the path that God has destined for me, and there must be better things ahead for which He has planned.

This morning, this verse came to mind as I was walking to office:

1 Corinthians 13:11 (ESV)

¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

Perhaps there are some childish ways I need to give up.....  

"What do you want?"

As I transit out of my cluster now, it's time to seek God for a new vision, and a new focus for the new season.

I feel God telling me a few things.

1) For a long time, when I had been feeling empty, I felt God telling me to give and serve.  I'd always wondered what else I had to give, but I continued to do what I could.  God reminded me that water flowed to lower places, and so I needed to remain low and serve.  This time I felt like God is telling me that he's now ready to change my "batteries".  I think that means he will renew me and fill me anew.  I remember Him saying that I had to be completely empty before he poured new the new anointing.  I wonder if now is the time.

2) I had a vision of a crown siting on top of a closed window.  Those one that is rounded at the top, and square on the bottom.  The light was shining through and the streams of light shown onto a drawer-like thing that was pulled out.  And within it was a key.  The impression I had was that the key was to open the window and let the wind in.  I'm reminded that wind and breathe is often used to describe the Holy Spirit.  I'm praying that this means that being in the light (Jesus is known as the light of the world), the wind (his spirit) will be blowing into this room. 

3) the other thing I that keeps coming to mind.. I feel like God's asking me "Alex, what do you want?" And if keeps repeating.  During the cluster meeting, and today when I was walking the pumpfest 2014 competition, and other times as well.  During the cluster meeting, I felt The Lord lead me to psalm 27 and psalm 139.  I believe he's telling me to desire Him and his spirit, and remind me that he has already written out all my days.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” (Psalm 27:4, 8 ESV)

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you. (Psalm 139:16-18 ESV)

I pray that God will make clear these impressions that I'm receiving and show me the way to go. 

Burning and Shaking!

In Apr 2013, when I joined another cluster with the aim of leading a cell group, I was wondering how things would turn out.  The people were amazing, and I saw them as the precious stone that God gave me in a visual, saying to build them into his temple.

In Aug 2013, the cell groups were finally formed, and I called mine "Living Stones".  It was based on a vision I believe God gave me, and I held on with all the tenacity I had.  In short, we had some who didn't come due to whatever reasons, but seems to be more ready to come now.  We finally had new salvations after what I felt was a long period of dry spell.  I was literally crying to God, asking if a tree is known by it's fruits, why do I have no fruits?  And then God sent a young man who received Christ in one of the most miraculous way. 

I love my cell group.  Everyone of them is unique, precious.

To set a context, during one of our earlier leaders meetings last year, I received and released this word:

Hebrews 12:26–29 (ESV)
²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” ²⁷ This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. ²⁸ Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our God is a consuming fire.

I released that God would be doing some shaking, so that what's unshakable would remain.  It would be uncomfortable, but that is what would take us to the next level.

That was some time back.... and about a month back, I saw a vision of a fire burning, it wasn't a big fire, but it was a consuming fire.  I then released the following words to my cell group: 

1 Corinthians 3:10–15 (ESV)
¹⁰ According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled master builder I laid a foundation, and someone else is building upon it. Let each one take care how he builds upon it. ¹¹ For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. ¹² Now if anyone builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw— ¹³ each one’s work will become manifest, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done. ¹⁴ If the work that anyone has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward. ¹⁵ If anyone’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire.

1 Peter 1:6–9 (ESV)
⁶ In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷ so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹ obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Zechariah 13:9 (ESV)
⁹  And I will put this third into the fire,
and refine them as one refines silver,
and test them as gold is tested.
They will call upon my name,
and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘They are my people’;
and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’ ”

And I told my cell that there will be a time of testing, and when it came, we could be ready for it.  Because God has released the word for our strengthening and our preparation. 

I didn't see the link between the verse I released at the leader's meeting until now..... the last sentence stood out to me "for our God is a consuming fire."  There it is! The fire piece! And its linked to the shaking of the heavens and the earth. 

Just a couple of weeks back, during a meetup, I had a conflict with my two leaders.  Leaders whom I cared for, honoured, invited to my house for a meal cooked by my mother, whom I revealed my fears, worries and concerns.  A conflict that I thought should never have been an area of concern, one that could have been easily seen as a difference of working style, one that could have easily been addressed by agreeing that we are different and coming together to make things better. 

But when the issue was brought up again, and in my opinion in a some what accusatory tone, where no room for my own opinion, that pushed one of my hot buttons. 

During that meetup, I felt unheard, accused, and misunderstood. 

I was unheard of who I am and what my principles for doing things were. 

I was accused and misunderstood as one who was hoarding my cell members for myself, worried that they would be taken away.  Even when I tried to explain that a spreadsheet I sent to them showed how I intended for some people to be seeded up to them, they did not want to discuss the spreadsheet. 

I was accused of pressuring them for a timeline, which to be fair to them - they didn't have.  But timeline was drawing near and I needed some course of action, I did not even have 2-3 weeks of reaction time for what I felt was a rather major change, and I wanted some communication about it to the cell.  I was then shot down with "But it didn't happen right?".  Sure it didn't happen in the end, but was I wrong to plan based on that timeline of 2-3 weeks that was given? 

The above weren't large issues.....  the big issue is that no one was really listening to each other.  I guess myself included.  When I tried to explain and got cut-off and shot down..... I basically shut down myself. 

Imagine after about 2 hours of nothing else but being shot down, and asked this question:

1) Do you see this place as your church?

2) Do you see me as your leader? 

Both questions were posed at the beginning (and answered).  And one of them said, one reason I'm asking about (2) is because we think you may not see us as your leaders,  and the proceeded to raise those points above. 

I was shaken badly.   Trust was quickly eroded, I felt hurt (and stupid) for making myself vulnerable (that's what I do with people I trust).

I followed up with SMSs with the following key messages

- I'll seriously consider if this church is the place to stay, and if he's my leader

- I'll consider stepping down, because that's the natural progression of things 

- I'll pull back my participation in cell and in ministry. 

I then spoken with Ben, our tribe leader, and got some further info and background.  Of which some of that info cannot be said at this stage. 

But I'm given a choice... to stay or to move on.  And moving on means I have to give up my cell group.  It means giving up my vision and my dream.  The very vision and dream that I gave up my sunday school ministry for. 

This is a great consuming fire and a great shaking for me. 

Perhaps this is better.... I'm not sure.... 

But what I'm sure is..... this feels devastating.... extremely....  

God please help me to make the right decision.... 

Ben once said "Who sees God?  Only Dead people.  If you want to see God, you must die to yourself. Do you want to see God?  You must die." 

 Ouch..... This Dying thing is painful...... 

My U-Turn Story

After such a long lapse in time, I think its appropriate for me to pen down my U-Turn story.  So what happened in those missing years, and what made me come back?

Leaving the Church

First, I must consider why I left in the first place.  There were many things happening at that time, and of course, my own maturity was a factor.  Here are some of the factors that I am conscious of:

1. Church Leadership - There were several things that happened that made me disappointed with the church leadership.  The main one was of how a Pastor's unbecoming behaviour towards my parents who was then a pre-believer.  The Pastor apologised later the same day, but my opinion was greatly affected.

2. Church Direction - Then I felt that we were overly focus on numbers.  It felt like the church had lost its heart, and now focused on purely chasing numbers.  In it's wake, it rose up leaders who were not ready to shepherd the flock.  One such cell leader then even challenged the cell member to a fight.  The cell member complied and both ended up with something broken.  I should know... the cell member was my room mate.

3. Constant Re-organisation - Then the church was just adopting the G12 vision, and as a result there were many restructuring.  In fact, it was so frequent that the whole thing felt so function, and it was as if relationships could not be build.  Many people also left the church during the period, which also made me feel somewhat lonely and discouraged.

Wandering in the Wilderness

I left the cell about 2003, around my 2nd or 3rd year of University, and was attending church now and then.  In its place, I had time to do whatever I wanted (whether what I was doing was meaningful in the greater scheme of things was another question).

I took on my first job, and naturally, alot of time was spend adapting to the new job.  I remember how miserable it was, and the support I had from good friends.  I gradually grew and adapted, and in my opinion, performed fairly well for my job.  I had a group of friends that I climbed fairly regularly with, focused on developing myself, and even took up learning how to trade Forex.

There were many signs and people who tried to bring me back to God.  I had colleagues who encouraged me to visit their church, I joined in the workplace fellowship, and even lead worship at one point and had people telling me I was anointed in that area (doesn't mean too much when you have backslidden right?).  Even a person who was successful in trading Forex whom I asked for advice, told me first to get my spiritual life right.  It's pretty cool thinking back of all the things God had done.

The Turning Point

One of the turning points was when I was in-between jobs.  My friend's mum passed away and I attended the wake.  During the wake, I met a stranger (which I remember to be my friend's supervisor, but my friend later said he didn't have any supervisors at the wake, and in fact, he doesn't even remember who I met!).   The strange point blank asked if I was in-between jobs, then asked me if I was in church.  To my "Sorta" reply, he told me that God is waiting for me to return to him, and he will give me my ministry back.

I was stunned and shock to receive such words from a complete stranger.  Of course, I recognised that I will need to go back to Him at one point or another.

During this period, God also taught me that I had started looking at the people, and lost focus on God Himself.  People may fail, but God is always in full control.  Sometimes, I'd placed people on a pedestal and expect way too much out of them.   Perhaps even subconsciously, I expect them to be perfect.... not able to make a mistake.  Of course, holding such expectations of people will have a bearing on myself.  Afterall, the bible says "with the measure you use, it will be measured to you"(Matt 7:2).

Well, it took me another 2 years before I made the decision to go back. What sparked it was actually some troubles between me and my closest friends. So I called my contact in cell (who was then the cell leader) and asked to join in the cell.  I, started attending the first cell group, and the rest... well... is history.

The journey after I made my u-turn.... will be another post.  :)

Blog Revived

It's amazing that my last post was in 2008!  And that this blog has a grand total of 6 posts since it started.  Actually, I hadn't been blogging for the longest time.  And most of my thoughts now go either straight to my cell group via whatsapp, or is entered into the youversion bible, or my new logos bible software.

What actually prompted me to re-look at blogger was this nice tool from reftagger.com that automatically creates a pop-up screen to show bible verses from bible references.  I think its cool.  :)

So here it goes, I hope that this breathes new life into the blog as what happened in Ezekiel 37:1-10.  (I'm testing the reftagger feature and hoping it works!  It is afterall the reason I'm testing out blogger again).

It's interesting to read what I wrote all the way back in 2008, and I guess it will be time to provide an update from between 2008 till now.  Lots of exciting things!