My parents are currently serving a mission for our church in Fresno California.  My mom calls about once a month and I love visiting with her.  My dad is usually in the background listening and he joins the conversation every now and then. 

The other day they called to wish Henry a happy birthday.  Towards the end of the conversation I realized that I hadn't spoken to my dad at all.  I asked mom, "Is Dad there?"  I then heard a voice in the background say, "Yes, Laurie. I am here."  He was there.  He had been listening the whole time.  He was just quietly listening to me talk to my mother.

A flood of emotions overcame me and I found myself in tears.  I immediately thought of another Father that I have who also loves me.  Sometimes I realize that I haven't heard from Him in a while also but it's not because He isn't there.  He just quietly waits for me to slow down enough to notice.

When I take the time to get down on my knees and ask Him in humble prayer, "Father, are you there?" the answer is a simple "Yes, Laurie. I am here." 
 

It's no secret...I struggle with depression, or at least something similar to it.  Sunday I was fasting and as I said my morning prayers before I rushed my children out the door for 9 o'clock church, I pleaded with the Lord to help me find peace in who I am.  I struggle with feeling good enough. I know this is a tool Satan uses but some days those feelings are very real and very disabling.

As I sat in Sacrament meeting trying to focus, I found myself more emotional than usual.  (That is always embarrassing for my children) And then a testimony was shared and I can't even remember who it was or what was said but suddenly I was lost in my own thoughts.  I realized that I am who I am today because of my testimony of the restored gospel. 

I've seen my life in my mind without the gospel. I know my weaknesses enough to know that I would be a very selfish person.  I would probably be a heavy coffee drinker, I would be a workaholic because I would want to have nice things.  I would live in a high rise apartment building and wear high heals and suits to work. I would be obsessed with exercise. I would not have children, I would probably not even be married because I am just that ornery.

Instead I am a stay-at-home mother because I have a strong desire to always be at the cross-roads of my children lives. I sacrificed a career because I chose to have 6 children and be a mother first to them.  I live in a small homestead home 15 miles outside of a small town because I believe in family first and this allows my children to be a part of extended families lives and the farm is a wonderful place to raise a family. I have struggled to complete my degree (finally have an associates degree - WHOOT!) and money is not a luxury around here. 

I set goals everyday to read my scriptures and say prayers, hold FHE, go visiting teaching, serve those around me, attend the temple regularly, get my children to mutual and activity days, spend extra time at church on sunday to attend meetings and sing in the choir, focus on personal progress, duty to God, faith in God, and scouts, and the list goes on and on....and most days I feel like I fail miserably and need to try harder and do better.  

I work hard at teaching my children to not fight, be forgiving, think of others first, be the solution and not the problem, do their best in whatever they do, be compassionate, serve others, .....and the world teaches them the total opposite. 

WHY? Why do I care?  

.....Because I have a testimony of the gospel.  Because I have been taught the plan of salvation and I understand I have a purpose here on earth.  I often think of the scripture in Esther where Mordecai encourages Esther to do the hardest thing of her life saying "Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kindgom for such a time as this?"  I find myself silently pleading to Heavenly Father asking, "Is this what I was born to do?"  My answer is yes!  I chose to have 6 children! I chose to marry in the temple not only for time but for eternity.  My life isn't going to be what the world around me says is acceptable or glamorous. But it is my choice!

So rather than wish I had more, or feel sorry for myself, or feel like what I do isn't good enough to compared to others, I need to remember that my life is mine!  (Duh!) No really!  I chose it because of the things I believe.  It's my path back to my Heavenly Father.  It's not the same as anyone else's path and I'm not saying I am doing it all right. But I am where I am and who I am because of my beliefs.  

I make tons of mistakes and I make life alot harder than it has to be most of the time.  But, part of that wonderful plan of salvation is that the Savior atoned for my sins so I can repent and try again.  And as long as I am focused on eternal life, then my mistakes can become positives that help me become better, more compassionate towards others, and most importantly help keep me humble as I realize I am nothing without the Savior.   

So, now it is Tuesday and nothing miraculous has happened to change my circumstances.  I still had to get up before I wanted to and get kiddos off to school. I still have piles of laundry to do and dishes to wash and bathrooms to scrub and meals to cook and...and...and....

But there was a tiny miracle that happened inside my mind that no one can see but me...today I am at peace with myself.

Christmas Eve

I've been thinking with the change of the new year about what things are important to me.  As I have looked back over this blog, I realize that even though we are far from perfect, we have a good life and because I have failed to write things down over the last 2 years, I have forgotten many precious moments.  My children are growing and doing good things and I want to remember these times forever.  So, I am going to do better at recording the important (and probably unimportant) things that happen in our family.


So, with that intro....here is Christmas Eve 2012 at our house:

 

New pajamas for everyone and lots of silly poses.  I love the smiles on the kids faces.  There was something magical that night...it was bigger than the anticipation of the coming day.  It wasn't the amazing spiritual evening we had spent together reflecting on the Savior's birth (Cuz to be totally honest, we didn't get around to actually doing anything like that...though we did read our regular chapter in family scripture study...and no, it wasn't the Christmas story or anything even related to that...it was a chapter somewhere in the middle of Alma. I have no idea why we read that instead.  It was a long day. I wasn't actually thinking very clearly....obviously....Okay, I'll tell you what happened. My parents are on a mission this year and my mom always has us over for Christmas Eve and this year she wasn't here and I fell apart.  But it's okay...it's okay...)

It seemed to come from the idea of being in a room that was warmed by and smelled of freshly lit firewood, the feel of soft, brand new pajamas, the soft lighting of the Christmas tree, and the feeling of PEACE and JOY everyone felt just being together. There were no outside influences to distract us for a few moments that evening.  It was just us!! Just laughter, dancing, tumbling, and silly poses for the camera.

For a moment I was frustrated that we hadn't had the "ideal" Christmas Eve.  Then I sat back on the couch... exhausted from the entire year...and just watched them play. And I realized I hadn't missed out on anything. Christmas is LOVE, it really is that simple.  It's true Christ-like love, And our small, humble home was filled to overflowing with love that night and it was captured in the smiling faces of my six beautiful children.

There will be another year to get it all perfect...but this year we did things a little differently and it was still good.

Merry Christmas!

Boise State vs. Hawaii

Today we went to the football game in Boise against Hawaii. We had a very good time, and are grateful to everyone at Idaho Elk's and St. Luke's who gave us the chance to go to the game. Once at the game, Buster the Bronco came over to our section and Zach, Justyn, and Henry had their picture taken with him. After the game was over, we were taken to the locker room area where the boys were able to get their hats, shirts, and poster's autographed by some of the players. We also took picture of Henry with some of the players, cheerleaders, and even some cool shots with the cheerleaders from Hawaii. Sorry, Kami that the Warriors lost. They were pretty cool to hang around though!


Zach, Justyn, and Henry with Buster the Bronco.


Henry posing with Ebenezer Makinde #37


Henry with Tyler Jackson #29


Henry with Antwon Murray #31


Henry with Faraji Wright # 75


We actually missed getting a photo with Henry when a few of the cheerleaders were flirting with him. Oh well, we did get this picture of him. When Zach realized Henry was with the cheerleaders getting pictures after he had already gone out to play on the field, he was a little disappointed. Sorry Zach!


After we left the locker room, we went out to the football field to run around and take some more pictures. We happened to pass by some of the cheerleaders from the Hawaii Warriors, and posed for a photo with them. They were really good sports and had fun talking to Henry. This was a fun photo for us, and we thought of Kami.


Out on the field after the game! We were getting pretty tired after all the excitement!


Here Henry and Zeke are out on the field playing. Thanks Zeke for inviting us to come with you to the game.


Zach, Justyn, and Henry out at center field having a good time.

Not fair...

Eleven years ago my Grandpa Wilson passed away on my 25th birthday.

Today is my 16th Anniversary....and my Grandma Wilson just passed away.

I guess the best gift they gave to me was a reason to remember them and celebrate them forever on two significant days of my life. I'll definitely never forget these two dates.

50/20

Our Boy Scout District office hosted a 50/20 activity for boys ages 14 and older. That means the boys hike 50 miles in 20 hours, nonstop. Our ward was scheduled to do youth baptisms Friday evening so Zach had to make a decision. He finally decided to do the 50/20. He made arrangements to attend and we bought him a few supplies. We were excited to see him attend this activity and he was excited to go. We dropped him off at the assigned location and told him we'd see him the following day.

The boys were supposed to each have a leader with them along the way. None of the leaders in our ward were able to attend with Zach so he was assigned to travel with some leaders from a different ward. The plan was that they would travel as a group to Oakley were the hike would begin at 4pm Friday evening. There were check stations set up every 5-ish miles where the boys could refill water, tape their feet, eat, whatever they needed. There were also vehicles traveling with the boys and a couple of porta-potties also traveling with them. Looking back, Ken and I really had very little information about this activity and we were very trusting that Zach would be okay.

Throughout the evening Ken and I kept commenting about how far Zach should be and imagining the kind of fun he must be having with all those youth and leaders. We even called one of the stake leaders to find out how Zach was doing. He said he had not seen Zach yet but the group was way ahead of schedule and doing well. We couldn't wait to hear all the details the following day when he arrived home, exhausted, yet successful.

About 12:30 a.m. the garage opened. I sat straight up in bed and nudged Ken awake. I was terrified. Someone was breaking into our house...someone who knew the garage code! .... ??????

Ken was brave and went to investigate. He brought back...Zach.

He was tired and hungry and DONE!

I was shocked and confused and full of questions.

As he pulled the duct tape off of his feet (it was wrapped around each toe and looked like it was going to be painful to pull off), he told us of his evening.

They all started out as a big group. He walked many miles with the Stake President and several boys. About 10:30 p.m. his feet hurt so he stopped at the check station to wrap his feet. When he was ready to leave, he realized his group had already left. He was sure they were just ahead of him so he started out alone. This part of the trek was on a dirt road. It was dark and the road had rocks all along it. He walked and walked but did not find anyone. At the next check station, the leaders stopped him and told him he could not walk alone. He had to be with a group. It was about midnight. He waited for the next group. It was a group from the Spanish Branch. He walked with them for a while but they were not speaking in English so he still felt like he was walking alone. When one of the cars following the group asked him how he was doing, he said he was ready to go home. They loaded him into the car and brought him home. He had walked 25 miles!

Wait! He walked alone for 5 miles in the dark out in the middle of nowhere? Where was his assigned leaders? The leader that knew he was responsible for Zach actually dropped out about 2 hours into the hike. Zach was fine because he was walking with the Stake President so he was fine. Except that the Stake President wasn't responsible for Zach.

I was feeling very upset about the idea that Zach had been out alone. I realize he is 14 years old and hiking 50 miles in 20 hours is a hard thing to do. But he didn't quit because he was physically tired. He quit because he didn't want to walk the next 25 miles ALONE!!!

The next morning Ken and I got up to go walk the canyon. We drove past the church. About a mile out, there was a boy running to the finish line. Behind him was his father, also running (our Stake President). Further back was another group of boys and some leaders. It was 7 am. This group was the first to make it in. They were exhausted, yet they were running last couple miles in. I have to admit, I was very impressed. I also felt very sad. While this son was crossing the finish line with his father close behind, my son was home in bed.

I did not feel like Ken had let his son down. Ken had fallen off his bike a couple days before and injured his ankle. There was no way he could have walked 50 miles. I also did not have hard feelings towards his leaders. I understand that they had prior commitments. I just felt sad that no one was there for my son. He walked alone.

I thought about this through out the next several days. It really bothered me. My mind was full of so many "what if's", "could have's", and "should have's".

I later found out that most of the boys dropped out at 25 miles or before. Only a few made it to the finish line. Those that did had a strong support group of friends, leaders, and fathers.

My son had none of those things.

We live in a ward where he is the only teacher. We have one priest, and three deacons.

I imagine it must be hard to be a leader to only one boy. He has not felt the support of teacher leaders. He is with the priests most of the time. He enjoys that but feels like the 5th wheel in the group. He feels alone and often is discouraged about attending activities throughout the week. He has told me that most of his monthly fasts and his daily prayers include a plea to Heavenly Father to send just one more boys to his quorum.

I have really struggled as I watch him struggle. He is a good kid. He tries hard to always do what is right, especially when it comes to honoring his priesthood and living the gospel.

This was just a hike but it caused me to look deeply at life. He is a young man. He has never walked this path before. He has been given parents and leaders to help guide him and support him. The road is rough and painful and times. Some hours are dark and he must learn to walk by faith.

So what happens to the youth who walk alone? They give up. They get lost. They don't make it to the finish line.

If our children are going to make it through the trials of this life, they cannot be expected to walk alone. We also cannot step back and hope that someone else will help them get there.

This experience has caused me to evaluate the kind of parents Ken and I are to our children. We need to do better.

So, where are my boys this week?

Justyn is at scout camp and Zach just left on the High Adventure White Water Rafting Trip. Once again I have entrusted my boys into the care of their leaders. Actually Justyn's leader could only stay at camp until Wednesday but assured me that another ward would look after him for the remaining 4 days. Because those words echoed a familiar tune, I begged my dad to attend camp the second half of the week so that Justyn would have someone there who really cared about his well being. My Dad does not even live in our ward, let alone the same town. He lives an hour away and is in the middle of watering his fields right now. He loves his family and makes sacrifices for what is important in life. My Dad is awesome like that. Thanks Dad!!!

I am a little more nervous about Zach's adventure. Once again he does not have any leaders from our ward with him (and I only have one dad). I have been reassured that he will be taken good care of. He was called to be the President of this group. This ensures that he will be next to the Stake Leaders at all times since he is their "go-to" kid. I'm sure he will arrive home exhausted and tired on Saturday with many tales to tell. At least I hope...

Now, if my garage door opens at 12:30 a.m. tonight,....

A picnic in the South Hills

On Monday July 12, we took the kids up to the South Hills to spend the afternoon.
On the drive we saw whatlooked like cows,....or horses,.... or moose?????

We pulled over to watch them for a few minutes. At first we only saw the two babies. Not sure how we didn't notice the mama but she was VERY aware of us. They were so big. The babies were the size of full grown cows. The mother was 3 times their size!

After about 5 minutes, they disappeared into the trees and we continued to our favorite picnic spot. We packed a picnic lunch of fried chicken, sweet dinner rolls, fresh pineapple, bean dip and chips, go-gurts, jello, and Ken made some homemade root beer.

It was funny to watch as everyone adjusted to the bugs and dirt. Obviously we don't get out much! Zach had a huge bug-thing land on his shoulder. He felt it hit him and when he saw it he freaked! It didn't just fall off so between his screaming and jumping around we all got a pretty good laugh.

Ken had taken Henry off to help him go potty. About the same time Zach started screaming, we heard a little Henry scream off in the distance. Ken came back laughing and explained that just as Henry was about to "go", a huge bug landed on "him". Needless to say, he was unable to pee after that and refused to try again.

After Zach refused to get out of the car and rejoin us, we decided to pack up and move a little further down the road to one of our favorite hiking trails. The kids were excited to venture into the woods.

We hiked for about a mile when we decided to turn around. The kids were getting tired and most of the trail was uphill back to our car.


Henry had a little "accident" and wanted someone to piggy back him back to the car. No one volunteered so he had to walk. In order to get him out of there, we started to find small broken branches that looked like really cool "guns" and other violent weapons and he war games all the way back to the car.


Kate was struggling to keep walking so we looked for pretty wild flowers along the trail. We found so many and luckily for us, we kept finding flowers of different colors and shapes all the way back. By the time we reached the car, she had a beautiful bouquet. She proudly presented it to Alexys for her to enjoy.

Back at the car, the kids noticed some big rocks in the parking lot and while I cleaned Henry up, the kids climbed.

By the time we headed home, everyone was covered in mountain dirt. It was fun to watch everyone relax and enjoy the atmosphere. All the way home the kids laughed and sang and played together.

It seems like it's been a long time since we have felt those kinds of feelings of unity and togetherness in our family. Our lives are so crazy and full of busy-ness that we don't take time to just relax and enjoy the beauty around us. Working together to come up with creative and distracting games to help the little one's hike out of the mountain trail was fun for everyone. For a few hours, no one argued, or whined, or complained. It was almost...peaceful!

Ken commented as we drove home, "There are some experiences and feelings money really can't buy."