My few cents worth of, what else, thoughts

I see that my post had became a dicussion topic between two people, of whom one is a good fren of mine. (inner demons... Read it here)

Actually people pray about almost everything to God, regardless of religion, if anyone had noticed. Dun forget there are people who pray to God even to strike lottery. So if it's another bout of "if-u-think-it's-the-right-thing-to-do-then-just-do-it" mindset, then it's also an issue of 'just buying them numbers' isn't it? Im sure God has much more important things to handle than granting his peoples' wishes to get rich. Maybe He did, maybe once in a while He would juz select some people at random and let them win.

No offence, but im not trying to flame anybody here. Religion has always been a sensitive issue coz it's something intangible. And I shall not veer off course into the topic of religion. Since a few poor souls paid the price for discussing such subject some time back this year.

But anyway, I guess the whole 'discussion' came about was juz me and my indecisiveness in going after a certain girl. Probably it's too much at stake to juz go headlong and 'do it' (going after her, i mean) Anyway, like i mentioned in the post b4, i felt better after barfing all my uncertainties out, and somehow something happened along the way which made me think again about where im heading. Well, to me, I see that as a way He-From-Above is helping/guiding me through.

I dun want to preach about my religion. I wont tell you how good, powerful and omnipotent He is. It's something we all know Gods are capable of. If need to, I'll just tell you my experience in my religious journey, of how He touched my life and made a difference in it. I'll leave it to all to experience it personally.

That's my spirituality gift I'll leave to everyone who reads my blog.

Anyway, i'm off to enjoy the last sunset of 2005. Best wishes to the new year ahead!

(ok so it didn't turn out to be a very long post. But i just didn't want to leave it as a comment)

And my resolutions for 2006 are...

It's the last day of 2005!!!

Havent really sit down and think of wat my resolutions are gonna be for the coming year. Somehow for this year, I had been pretty much aware of its passing. But I feel a sense of longing now that the year is soon over.

Noticed an increased in the number of post towards teh last few days? I guess it's my way of recording down wat happened in my life in the last few days of 2005. I guess it's a memorable year for me. (Can't rememeber 2004 actually, lemme go refresh my memory one of these days) Especially with the trip over to Aceh to help (even a little bit) rebuild the lives of the people. Basically, it's not about contributing funds to help with the restoration, but i guess it's very heart warming for the people there to see that the world didn't neglect them and volunteers from all over the world are more than willing to lend a hand to help them rebuild their homes.

Okok... that's as much I would disclose about the trip over to Aceh. A new blog will be dedicated to the trip itself. Pray that I'll finish writing it soon.

Now... back to thinking about my New Year resolutions....

A dream of the red chamber

Had a dream last night.

It was a familar place, A place bathed in a deep magenta red hue.

It gave me a familar sense of peace. A peace I hadn't experienced since a long while ago.

It was a circular hall with a many rooms.

In each room, there were boxes and cartons draped over by a thick cloth

I realised it was a place I knew before but I locked it away and chose to forget about it

This was the room in my heart where all my memories are kept

I lifted the heavy cloth covering all my boxes, and was glad to find all the items well-kept

Images of days before are still as vivid as the days they all happened

It was a place where it brought back many many beautiful memories

It was a place I found my old self. The long forgotten self I locked away together with those memories I wanted to forget but couldn't bear to.

I whined, therefore I can think clearly

A day after I whined about how emotionally unstable i was, I feel like a different person now. Guess it's because I managed to get it off my chest, and was able to think clearly about wat i wanted. "putting things in perspective" as quoted from merv...

I was in quite a lighter mood for much of the later part of the day, after deciding what I needed to do. And there was an unexpected turn of event too, which also left me pretty much surprised.

And before i start deciding on doing anything... I think I'll need to get my new year resolutions in order first.

Inner Demons

Isn't it a nice feeling when u see someone you secretly admire appearing in front of you? It's been awhile since i have that feeling for someone. I guess it's the lovely poise which she carries herself is what i'm attracted to. And i do admit, things around you do seem brighter and livier.

So the question now is, what do u give to someone who has everything? Or at least someone who is emotionally more contented than you do? Definitely I would want to make her as happy as I am able to.

Why m i desperately seeking for someone whom i can give my love to? I think im desperate, but not all that desperately desperate. At least that's how it felt to myself. My frens around tell me that it take time. Well, that I know. There will come a day when a girl will touch my heart again. That will be the day I start going after her, right? Simple as that. But how to do that without seemingly looking obvious and 'desperate'? But then, u'll never find if u do not go out to seek, u hav to go out and show ur sincerity to her. On the other hand, i felt to let love find me instead. "I'll leave it on God's hands" I'll tell myself that. of course, in an instant, another thot would counter that by saying "If chances are laid out for you, but you do not play ur part and seize it, it will be a wasted effort from Him." So how do i know wat shd be done? I guess it's like what Karen had told me, I would feel at peace at the outcome if it had been guided by the actions from Him above.

Perhaps the things i had said and the events which unfolded during the times when I met her were all those that shd happen 'as planned', unlike something which i arranged and want it to happen in my way.

This is all very confusing, even for myself. Guess this is the emotional turmoil im experiencing almost every waking day. Like the title of this entry, im fighting my inner demons now. Unless im at peace with myself. I dun think I'll be able to bring happiness to whomever I love. But I havent reach that situation yet. Perhaps she, whoever she will be, is the one who is able to help me win my fight against my inner demons.

Day after Boxing Day

So it's the day after boxing day today. Finally felt better from the cold i caught almost 2 weeks ago.

Half the time last week, i was either dazed or high on medication. The latter is much later after i decided that i needed to see the doc. So I got a much needed C.R.I.B. for wednesday and thursday, i think i ran a few times of fever on wednesday, slight ones anyway.

well... it's not really a COMPLETE rest in bed, coz i wasn't completedly resting all day. Had stuff to do most of the time, so I couldn't juz chuck them aside as sleep the days away. Guess that was what prolonged the flu.

Anyway, glad that i hav finally recovered. Coz there's a post christmas gathering with some of the people from the Aceh trip this evening. Spiritually, I guess I can say God's miracles do happen even in small ways, that my cold simply clears up the day before!

Runny nose

Was away for a week in Bandah Aceh.. yeah, the place which was hit by the tsunami last year on the 26th of December. It's one year on and much still needs to be rebuilt.

Was there on the 11th til 17th Dec. Will be doing up a separate blog for the trip there.

Came back with a flu. No, not the bird flu, thankfully, but juz coz i was out playing in the rain when im there.

Anyway, i realised it's quite a dangerous illness although mild it may seem. Because it spreads if you aren't aware of it and people around me are all travelling. A few of my group mates are already travelling this week, either due to work or extended holidays with their families. And see the number of people they are again in contact with? Just imagine the number of places they are going to.

And im back at work today. And some of my colleagues are going off for their holidays too. And again, surely my cold will spread to them in some way or another.

It's like "Go forth and spread the good news of God" only thing now is the cold/flu that im spreading. Thankfully, it's not the feared bird flu. I can't imagine how dangerous it will become if that's to happen.

on a cool windy nite

Finally back after a long absence.

As always, had been busy at work… and also partially lazy to blog. Actually there are a few drafts hanging in the dashboard. But the thing is, the feel isn’t there anymore to continue from where I stopped. So I guess the thing about blogging is to finish up what you have written before u forget it or lost the feel for it. Haha!! same as to everything else we do I guess. Speaking of which there are quite a number of ‘projects’ that I did halfway and left them in my room. There are a few more which I plan to do… but tell myself not to add on to my list of unfinished stuff… oh well… until I find time to complete those which I had already started.

Anyway a quick recap since Mt Hunny.

Let’s see… well… in that same week as Mt Hunny,  (hmmm so I only stopped blogging for a week then) I worked overnight on Thursday til Friday morn. 2 other colleagues also stayed wif me. And the best thing is… hehe… we took Friday off!

And then my sec sch fren got got married on Sunday. I guess it’s all good for him, coz he got a scholarship wif the army, and then signed on. His wife is someone he met since JC days and has been together ever since. I was really envious of them 2, the same thing should almost happened to me. But well, I stop short there. Things just are different for everyone. In a way, they both hav a good headstart in terms of career. So I already ‘lose out’ on that point.

I then caught up wif another fren who is in Holland studying now. Masters in Design and Architecture, if im not wrong. Lost his contact since he went over to study, and we were very glad to be able to catch up once again.

I mentioned drafts earlier rite? Was blogging about how envious I was that nite, until my fren came online. We had a long chat that nite and it changed my mood totally. “We’ll all hav our chances one day” And it basically reminded me on all the things I have set out to do. I definitely felt better after that.

So it’s a Monday again. My ipod mini died on me. I found it strange that the battery died so fast after I charged it. Wat’s worse, it did not respond when I plug it in to charge, so I thot it died (I juz need to do a manual reset to on it) So anyway, I went done to Apple Store in the evening, to get it serviced. I must say, the staff there are all very nice. The guy did a manual reset for me and got it working again. And then helped me check other parts for problems. Apparently, the battery does have some issues, so does the click wheel. Thankfully there’s still 6mths left in the product and I was able to send it in for a replacement. After 2 days of waiting, I got back a new set! Hehe… battery life does last much long now, but the wheel seems less sensitive, but could be due to the protective film I left on.

That’s all for now I suppose. Hmm… off to play chess wif Old Master Zhou… zzzz..

Mt Hunny

This is another backdated post which i had wanted to write a few weeks ago. it's about this bottle of hunnie i placed on the table. All this while there are ants on my table, but interestingly, they werent attracted to sweet stuff like they normally do. Rather, they are attracted to plain water. Each time u hav a mug of warm water on the table... the ants start to appear.

Anyway i mentioned i had a bottle of hunny on the desk. For so long that it has been there, the ants had never go near it. (I seldom drink it, so din really open it often) Until one find day, i noticed an increase in ant activities around my keyboard area. I followed the trail and found that they were heading towards the hunny bottle.

OMG!!! naturally, i quickly took the bottle and washed off the stragglers that were crawling around the opening. (not too many, about 4-5 only.) But the thing is... they were all hiding along the screwthread lines so it was difficult to notice that some were already there so close to the opening.

Well, i started to clear up the hunny as fast as i can (meaning eat and drink them as often as i can remember). And meanwhile, following the traditional mum's 101 kitchen remedy to all bug problems, I installed a moat around the hunny bottle. (See attached pic)



So basically it's a small plastic bowl of water (henceforth known as The Moat) which prevents the ants from reaching the bottle. It does seem like a Hunny Mount, isn't it? haha! The Moat seems to be doing well. i will occasionally see some ants circling The Moat trying to find some way to reach the hunny. Sometimes there's a bunch who seem to be discussing a plan to get across The Moat.

Anyway as of yesterday, The Moat almost dried up in the air conditioned room, and as i top up the water, there were a few ants which were trying to swim across. Seems that time is running out. i gotta finish up the hunny fast.

Ah well, this is one of those nonsensical post which I thot was lamely interesting to put up. hehe :)

Weekend visit

Sometimes there’s so many post that I wanted to do but end up so tired when I get home that I can’t get into the mood to type. Now as there is some time to slow down and take a breather, guess I finally have some time to catch up with my rest and do some stuff that have been backlogged for quite a while now.  

Hmm... where shall I start from?

Ok I guess I can start from the day I felt so drained out. In a way, I really took a Saturday off. Initially scheduled a gym session in the afternoon at 4pm. Since it was in the late afternoon, I went out earlier to do some shopping wif Paul. So we met for lunch and hung around (where else for 2 IT savvy guys?) Sim Lim Sq for a while. Initial wanted to catch a movie but din wanna rush thru the movie coz I need to go gym. But in the end, I wasn’t feeling well and cancelled the session, since I figured I wont be able to do much anyway when im feeling drowsy half the time.

(The following may not be suitable for those who are faint hearted. If you feel offended by such materials, please discontinue reading, shut this internet window and go get some fresh air)

And then we headed over to Expo to catch the exhibit on Sex stuff. Nicely termed as Sexpo (how apt), it was suppose to showcase some of the interesting gadgets (toys and furniture presumably) some people invented for other happy pple to get happier while making love. Entrance fee was $15 for adults and $3 for those below 21 years old. I was thinking it’s darn cheap for those below 21. We checked the floorplan and realize the exhibition hall was separated into 2 parts. The front half was more of like sex education half. Mainly some books on partner massages and hmm… kama sutras? Well, and also a few booths selling safe sex products. The nex half of the exhibits are the adult-themed displays.

So basically that explains the $3 for those below 21 years old. It’s basically just a book fair for them. So the 2 of us boys went on in gingerly (as least I know I did) to the next half. Well… what greeted us first were more booths selling safe sex products. There’s one selling an innovative product known as a vibrating condom… well... interesting gadget. Got many pple crowding at the booth (pple are mainly men in their late 40s so it seems) there was a young lady demonstrating the product I think. How I do not know coz I was too short to peer over the crowd. Which makes me onder whether the men there are curious about the product? Or curious about the girl demonstrating the product?

And then there’s another booth about sperm bank. They have a projector showing a microscopic view of some sperms wiggling around. And there’s a microscope too at the booth… and there is a queue of pple lining up to take a look into the scope. I wonder why… again… the queue of pple lining up are mostly middle-age men, and a few early 20s. Hmm…. If it’s a sperm sample, what’s so interesting to see? (quoted from paul)

In the centre of the exhibition hall, there’s a display of some antiques from China. Basically it’s about Sex and Ancient China, how it was back then even in a conservative Asian culture.

There’s this porcelain vase with hand drawn images of Jin Ping Mei… Playboy equivalent pictorial book back in ancient China. … images of women and men having fun everywhere from the bedroom to the courtyard. And then there are some ‘normal’ images of animals and flowery patterns to depict the sexuality and feminity/fertility of female figures. And then there are some stone and metal carvings of female figures again. There’s this dagger wif a carving of a naked female on the hilt. Erm… sex and sword? How do you actually relate them?

Towards the back of the hall, there’s a stage wif a small pole dance area. And there was a lady there dancing sensuously to the music sliding on the pole. But at the same time, there were 5 other hotter looking babes on the main stage dancing ‘erotically’. Guess in the end the poledancer wasn’t really noticed. Anyway, the 5 babes are still kinda shy, and u can tell by their dance moves that they aren’t really comfortable dancing ‘erotically’, so the dance ended up like any other normal ‘modern dance’ routine. But I guess it’s sensuous enuff for most of the men below stage. Some are happily clicking away with their camera fones.

After the dance, there’s this lady counselor who gave a talk on Sex and the Zodiac signs. Basically, it’s abt the characters and what kind of sex styles appeal to them. How true/correct she is, I’ll let you know when I try it out in time.

At the other corner of the exhibit near to the exit. There’s this booth which has some toys on display. Toys.. for the u-know-what. From vibrators to kinky lingeries and nurse and school uniforms for the ladies to turn their men on, and pumps to make IT look BIGGER for the men to turn up the heat for their ladies. Haha!! The male models on those pump products look kinda cheesy… juz imagine… tiger strip loincloth-looking garment juz covering enuff of their pumped up manhood… hehehehe… of coz, not forgetting the bronze toned up bodies and tied back hair for some of the male models.

Honestly speaking, now that there are a few of such shops sprouting up in a few neighbourhoods around the country, how uncommon is it to find such kinky toys? Perhaps it’s the Singaporean mindset for one to be shy to actually enter such a shop even for a look see. But it’s one in a lifetime chance to pay $15 and openly buy such things in an exhibition such as one like this.

Well, for one thing, this exhibition wasn’t like that as mentioned in the papers. No funny looking furnitures that were supposed to be on display were seen. The toys and contraptions are nothing that we had never seen for those who are internet savvy. And surely it’s merely a sex education exhibit inclined towards sexual experiences that a couple can do to spice up their sex life. I guess for an asian society, it is still not really comfortable for us to be exposed to such events relating to sex stuff.

Hectic week

It had been an interestingly busy past 2 weeks, when 2 groups of rather prominent people in the VR and computer graphics field were scheduled to visit us on the same day. We had to brush up most of our works that we intended to put up as fast as possible. But due to another project in progress, we were kind of shorthanded and ended up with me being the only one scrubbing up the project to put on show for the 2 visits. And hell was it tedious to clean up that model we did. Basically it was ported from another modeling software, so many of the objects got kinda screwed up. (think of a screwed up teleporter and you can get a pretty good idea) Well, okay it’s not THAT bad. A wall is still a wall… juz that the finer details got well, finer than we needed them to be.

Anyway, the 2 distinguish visitors were namely:

1. Jaron Lanier


2. 2 high ranking dudes from LucasFilms (Singapore)

1. So who is Jaron Lanier? Basically he is a genius, ‘nuff said. He was the one who coined the term ‘Virtual Reality’ and got the whole world interesting in developing stuff for the VR world.

Besides that, he is a music composer, artist, author and a public speaker. And no juz any music composer mind you. He writes chamber and orchestral music. Anyone interested to know more about him juz do a search on Google with his name…

1. I remembered it’s the CEO (Singapore office?) and one of the directors of the software dev team who came to visit. Unfortunately, there was no need for us small fries to be at the presentation so I din really get to see who they were. But then our works were showcased so I guess it wasn’t that bad.

The only bad thing was the rush job to clean up the project we wanted to show so naturally it wasn’t 100% perfect, but well, it was good enuff. There’s always room for improvements.




Jaron Lanier and me. (Hmm.. how do i center this text?)

Drained

I have big dreams and great aspirations to achieve… but it all comes to nothing when the mind and body fails you right at the beginning.

I guess I’m just drained out both mentally and physically at the moment

I need a break

ZZ bug

I struggled to make myself sit here and blog down this entry.

Haha! I actually do have quite somethings to write down today. Was full of energy and inspiration to pen/type down my thots of the day, well... at least until I really settled down to write.

I managed to catch up wif some frens today, met up wif one in town and then a few others over MSN. Today is one of those few days when I brought work home to do, or at least attempted to do. Well, not that im complaining, but it’s really nice to catch up wif frens, even if it’s juz chatting over MSN. And then there were days when I had no mood for work-to-be-done-at-home and was looking for pple to chat over the net and couldn’t find any. Guess it’s a sign that I m not suppose to bring work home to do! LOLz…

Will try to update more when I’m more awake. Bitten by the zz bug and I dun think I can last any longer keeping awake….

A hermit crab, a penguin and a seagull

On a big sandy beach, there lives a little hermit crab. Once, he was a very adventurous and bold little creature who likes to scuttle across the sandy beach, unafraid of all predators that might catch and eat him. And he had a dream. That’s to capture a piece of the beautiful setting sun on the horizon as she slides into the sea everyday. There was no fear of outgrowing his shell. As there always are shells nearby which he can easily change into for the little hermit crab. By and by, he took for granted that things always go smoothly even at the most difficult times, until one day, he was hurt very badly from the environment he trusted most as he ran out of shells to change into. He scurried into his little crabhole and hid in there where he is safe from all harm. Day by day, his wounds recovered but he never forget the day he got injured, and stayed in his comfortable little hole, believing that the walls around him will protect him. And day by day, he forgot how wide and vast the beach is, all he sees now is the small sky as seen from his little crabhole entrance.

“I’m happy with the world I see from here”, he thinks. “And I can’t forget the hurt I was inflicted from that time. Guess I’m comfortable with the way things are. There’s no need to change”

Along came the Penguin, clumsy fella on land as one would see him, but a skilful swimmer when in the waters, to visit the little hermit crab. And so did a seagull, who also came to visit.

Seagull was a busy friend. He had been flying to places since the day he shed his last fledging feathers. And this was one of the few occasions they get to meet up. Seagull has always been traveling to places and sees different kinds of life. But he will never forget to return to where his home is.

Penguin has a dream to fly high like the seagull, to be able to go places and see all kinds of people. He is really determined to fly and has always talked excitedly about it. It’s a different way of flying as compared to Seagull. Seagull travels to places to find food, to hunt for survival. And most of the time, he flies together with a flock of others. What Penguin wants is to be able to choose where to fly, and be the unique one among his peers. This Penguin believes in his dream. And who knows, he might be really able to fly one day. Of course, Seagull is already flying; it’s just a matter of whether he wants to be in control of where he likes to go. Basically, the possibilities are endless if one really believes in achieving what they believe in.

The little hermit crab stayed in his hole all this while as Seagull and Penguin chatted, and he realized that he had been looking at the world thru the tiny little viewport of his little shelter. He had forgotten how vast the beach actually is. “Things will not move on if I keep looking back and hold on to my injuries “, he thought to himself. How narrow-minded had the crab become. “It’s time I get out of this hole and do what I had always want to do”

Seagull and Penguin were right. We need to do things which allow us to survive comfortably and to believe in our dreams and pursue them when we should. Shouldn’t simply let a little injury stop us and forever cloud our vision.

The little hermit crab decided to pull down his protective walls, out of his comfort zone where he sat and nursed his wounds, to step once again, out into the sun, onto the sand and sea to chase after his setting sun.

Sometimes it’s hard and we may be discouraged by all that are happening against us. But friends are always there to support… be it physically or mentally… And each time we fall, it isn’t to slow us down, but to let us appreciate that all’s not in vain when we reach out goal.

“Yesterday has passed. Tomorrow has yet to arrive, but Today is here and now. So let us make the Day as fulfilling as we can by putting in our best effort”

It's time I stopped

Dammit!

It’s something I shd hav done long ago!

I should have stopped thinking

Ramblings, again

Sometimes things happen in miraculous and surprising ways that I can't help but feel that The One Above had already planned out everything for us. But i believe sometimes He still leaves us with a choice or 2 to consider our path. I guess ironically again, He will know which path we will ultimately choose and then things are all as He had planned again.

Anyway I shall digress from religious issues, I just feel that the God-and-I relationship is a rather personal thing. It's something which one will experience for his/herself to believe.

Okok... i shall really digress from here to my main topic.

I started today feeling lonely again. Not those feelings of not having friends, but rather emotionally alone. Partially due to the songs i had packed into my mp3 player. (Mostly are sentimantal songs about love lost and letting go of what's
gone.) Erm.. well, and also the fact that i re-visited Her blog. Guess she had stopped blogging or had changed to a new site as her entry stopped in May. I was reading those post which are posted quite sometime ago. The earliest was in november last year. Those were the times when she missed me. I was thinking again if i had tried then... perhaps things will work out? I first discovered her blog when she starting to slow down in her blogging, guess by then, it was already too late. It was a few months into 2005 already. Those feelings would have died down by then.

But foolishly, I m the one who's hoping against hope all the time that things will still turn towards me. Because all this while she's still attached as i thot I could get a 2nd chance wif her again. Strangly (again, foolishly) she was the one who wanted to end the relationship, and im the one wanting it back. Does sounds dumb, don't i?

But now that i know she's still attached, it doesn't make much sense for me to be sticking myself into the relationship. "Be it to bloom or to wither, it shd happen naturally, and I shd not be a catalyst to speed up the process" A dear fren once told me. I realised that my presence had caused both of us to be in such dilemma, and not to prolong the agony, I shd be the one stepping out.

This evening, I wanted very much to sent a SMS to Her wishing her a good holiday break. Guess that would defeat the purpose of what i had decided to do. How easily my will crumbled. But in the end, I didn't do it.

By a twist of fate, I teased my fren i saw on MSN and he replied. And told me about how serious his back injury had become. Initially I shrugged it off as a muscleache as he was a rather active guy. But things got worse for now as it seemed to be a relapsed of his old injury. and he has to lay off all sport activities for now. The only thing he shd do now is C.R.I.B... hmm... okay so it's not that bad.. but at least, rest from all strenuous activities as much as possible. Still waiting for the results from the doc's. And i hope that everything is not as bad as it seems.

This made me see that my problem isn't something so big that it covers my whole sky grey. It's a tiny raincloud and if i look beyond, I still see the sunny clear skies. No doubt, it is an issue i hav always been shouldering. Twin had advised me that it's time to put down and let go. I thot i did some time back.

Guess i'm still trying to let go even after all this. It's jus that i was distracted by others for a while and made me forget that it's still there.

Weekend

I came.

I blogged.

But too tired to go into details.

Back to sleep…

Chasing Dreams

Hav you ever felt so strongly for something that sometimes u’ll do whatever it takes to achieve it?

I dunno… it’s about chasing my dream. Of coz, I’ll definitely do whatever it takes to achieve it. But what if you find out it isn’t what u wan when u managed to reach it? Especially when u had put in so much effort, time and money. Disappointed? Or would you say “Well, at least I have tried…” I always believe in trying if u have the means to, and not look back in the later years and say that “I shd have tried it…”

I guess I strongly believe in wat I want now. I’m just unsure whether my means of doing it is correct.

Well.. I guess I shd say it’s my interest in photography. M I only attracted to the nice pictures that I see and not aware of the hardwork behind it all? Well, then again… everything needs hardwork to achieve good results… so to really start and produce nice pictures, I would need to get a camera first. And at least a good one. Which boils down to spending a chunk of hard earned $$ to get one.

Guess im a little confused right now. Perhaps I had consider too much into it... im just worried that it would be a passing interest… but then, it’s been quite a while now and the interest is still going on pretty much strongly.

Guess I shd believe in myself and juz let go of all inhibitions and chase my dream

Parents

Guess we all have our issues wif our parents.

I dunno… my mum always says that she never have a chance to sit down and chat wif me. Sometimes I feel that it’s always because she feels that I shd do this.. do that… because she thinks that it’s the right thing to do. And it’s the same wif my dad… usually he’ll feel that nothing is ever good enuff… and there’s no point in doing something. Well, in short he’s quite a pessimist. Which is why, (again) I dun like to discuss stuff wif him. Coz the first thing I get is always a negative response.

I think all I want is for them to loosen their grip on me a little, at least let me see for myself the ‘bad’ things they always spoke of. Well, u may say it’s all out of concern, but it’s juz sometimes that I feel I dun hav a choice in certain things. I know it’s not that bad as some other families where the parents are very strict wif their children. “it’s all for your own good” they’ll always say.

I must say I already have quite an amount of independence already. It’s those major decisions that I shd discuss with them. Which is true… as a form of respect, I shd do that. And im not complaining about this point.

But I guess wat im unhappy about is that they always slam the door in my face. The moment I speak to them about certain ‘adventures’ or something out of the ordinary, I’ll be discouraged to think about it. What’s there to discuss further when you’re already demoralized the moment u speak of it? That’s why my mum always say I dun communicate wif them. Perhaps it’s true… but knowing u’ll get slammed each time u raise an interestingly abnormal issue, would u keep trying?

Seems it’s the age gap between us. They’ll always feel that they’ve seen more... and their advices are always right. But what I want isn’t to be slammed in the face by the door. Yes, as I live my life, many doors of opportunity will open up to me. I know I can turn to my parents for advice on what I shd do. But each time when I asked, u slam shut and chain up the door, and simply tell me that it’s not good for me, wont I be more curious to find out what’s behind that door?

I guess all im asking for is for them to guide me thru the door. At least help me open and let me hav a glimpse of it, and tell me how ‘bad’ certain things are. Yes, I want to see for myself to believe… I guess that’s not too difficult a request is it?

Anyway, like they always say, I dun listen. Similarly, so do they.    

friends

Sometimes I really wish I have someone dear to talk to. Someone who don't mind me sharing my problems wif and someone i can rely on emotionally. No, no... this isn't another of those entires of mine where I lament about the love I lost.

And no... it's not about me not having friends. I have a bunch of great frens, and definitely there are a few close ones. But I guess there is a limit to how much you can share you life wif them. They have their own lives to lead, and their own other half to love. I guess it's just me, I dun want to bother my frens too much wif my troubles. i just believe our own troubles are more than enuff to handle. But then the irony of it all, I'm always willing to help out others when they need help, but I find it hard to share mine.

I must admit it’s always nice to meet up with friends. It a nice way to remind myself that my problems are puny compared to the world so I shdn’t be so caught up in all of it. It doesn’t mean that I should run away from them. It just opened my eyes to see that the issues ain’t that big.

Just last Friday, a bunch of us guys met up to pig out at our fav food centre. Haha… but then im not sure whether is it due to our small appetite or we are juz conscious of watching wat we eat. We didn’t really exactly ‘pig out’ by ordering everything we find and eat like there’s no tomorrow. But it was juz the usual mincemeat noodles and the grilled stingray. And that was for a table of 7 guys and a girl. Watever happened to the monstrous appetite?!?  Anyway the meeting up was good, catching up wif one another and updated everyone what we were up to. And following that, we had a round of pool to wrap up the nite.

And on Sunday, I went out wif this really nice and sweet fren of mine. I must say that we somehow clicked very well despite knowing each other for only a short time. We met up for dinner and spent the evening chatting up about our lives and I guess it was a good thing coz I got to know more about her. Erm... well… basically it ended up wif her speaking most of the time (as I slid comfortably into the listener role... hehe…)

And then there’s today… it was a nice surprise when a few of my frens msged me cheering me up from an otherwise typical blue Monday. I could be mean and reply “erm, did u send to the wrong person?” but well… I thot I shdnt do that and be nice and thank them for their greetings.

In the evening, met up wif Paul (finally…) and went to gym together. Well, not that I’m blaming him for not joining me, I guess it’s difficult to find a common schedule out of our work commitments. Had a simple dinner after that, and also got along JY who was working nearby. And true enuff, she was working OT again and hadn’t had dinner. I guess it was a nice surprise for her too, for some frens to remember she hadn’t had dinner and asked her along.    

The Shepherd

Your distinct personality, The Shepherd is to tend to your human flock. You understand the needs of those for whom you are responsible. Shepherds are vigilant and reliable. You realize your obligation and commitment to the well being of those entrusted to your care. Shepherds are very dependable. You engender a feeling of comfort and stability to those within your charge. On the positive side, Shepherds can be empathic, caring, understanding, practical and realistic. On the negative side, you may be manipulative, close-minded and sentimentally rigid. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Kingdomality

Broken

I dun believe it.

I guess it’s really fated.

All efforts to talk to her had failed. I just wanted to tell her how I feel after the phone call that day. And I just can’t get a chance to tell it to her. I wanted to meet her and tell it to her in person, but things always crop up and we cant meet. It was so close, yet so far. I tried calling her, but no one picked up. Finally decide to email her, but the mail was bounced instead.

It is as though she vanished from my world instead. Perhaps it was a good thing. Coz it was my intention to vanish from her world. But I juz felt abrupt as I din manage to tell her the things I wanted to say. It’s like I died suddenly.

Then again, perhaps God had it all planned? Perhaps I wasn’t meant to say all those things I wanted to say. Perhaps he had planned for us to be together again, and my words are gonna spoil all he had arranged?

M I in self-denial? Or did I manage to see God’s sign for me?

There’re 2 sides to a coin, we see a different side depending on where we stand. So is there ever a ‘right’ side?

Guess I should let go and leave my broken heart in God’s hands to finally mend it.

Reminiscing

Telephone call
Apology
Consolation
Regret
Reminiscing
Sadness
Tears
Choices
Uncertainty
Yearning
First love
Still in love
Missing you
Faith
Trust
Very much a fool in love
Changes
Third party
Time to let go?
Moving on?

Perhaps…

      

How my 24hrs are spent

i juz realised this... thot about it on my way walking home.

Let's see...

8 to 8.30pm - Reaching home. Earlier these few days coz major proj kinda wrapped up. And assuming i head home straight from work.
8.30 to 12mn/1am - R&R.. sleeping early on a few rare occasions
12mn/1am to 7am - Lost in dream land. Or playing chess wif Old Master Chou
7am to 7.20am - wake up for work (include 1 or 2 failed attempts at waking)
7.20 to 7.30am - Shower
7.30 to 7.45am - Breakfast
7.45 to 8.05am - Pack bag, load mp3s (on some days), wonders wat to wear and finally leave house
8.05 to 8.15am - Reach MRT station
8.15 to 9.20am - Journey to work
9.20am to 6/7/8pm - @ work. Stay back on some days coz of project
6/7/8pm to ... - heads home, and cycle continues when DAYS == Mon to FRI

So im spending a good portion of the time at work. Meaning that im left wif about 12hrs at home. And in this remaining 12hrs, 7hrs are taken up by sleep. (optimistically speaking) so my waking hours left at home is only abt 5hours...

What does this show? Well, guess it's time to make my office cosy... since it's very much like my second home already. hmm...

Oh well.. and in conclusion... What is the area of the remaining triangle C? (2marks)

Tugged heartstrings

Is it possible to be fond of someone whom you chat online more often than u see each other face to face?

How true is this virtual persona to the real person?

Guess it takes time to know the real person be it meeting face-to-face or meeting up online. The thing is, this person is someone whom you know, so it pretty much strike out the fact that he/she is a total stranger.

Haha.. and then there is the other issue of the person being attached already. It's strictly a no-no for me, although there's this saying that when no one is married yet, there's always still a fair fight. Yeah, probably. But i still believe things shouldn't go like this. If the gal is single, and 2 guys are after her at the same time... then that's wat i call a fair fight. Otherwise... it's definitely a no-no.

But then again, what im attracted to is only the 'first impressions' of this person. Well, you can say that we had known each other for a long while already, but yet we weren't that close all along.

Someone once told me that if i ever like a girl, she would be those whom I know for quite a period of time, not those 'love at first sight' ones. Haha! I guess that's quite true.

Still, there's the commitment I made (at least to myself). Call it senselessly faithful or juz plain clingly? I guess the next move is to decide what i really want.

Why hide?

Hmm.. got this from Fen's blog :P I found it answering my qns...

Why hide your feelings? Life is too short to keep romantic feelings hidden.
"Bottom line: Love is a risk. Every time you put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable, you might get hurt. That's how it works. It's not easy, but when you find someone who feels the same way you do, it's worth it. Just remember that you probably will never find the pot of gold if you don't risk stepping out to look for it."

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Yesterday was really like the calm b4 a storm. It seemed like the day when I could slow things down abit at work and get ready to move on to something new at work. Well, one would expect to 'slide' into the next task smoothly and pick up the pace from there. But noooo.... it wasn't like this today.

Basically, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. My colleague spilled her coffee on herself, staining her skirt and white top. Thankfully she had a extra pair of jeans around so she had something to change into. As for the top, she managed to wash off much of the stains and it was less obvious.

Then we went off to our Virtual Theatre (btw, the place is real, not virtual) to have a look at our painstakenly created driving simulator. It suppose to be simulating a certain long stretch of road in Singapore, but we did it so nicely that it looked like erm.. some long stretch of road across some nice grassland (think aussie or NZ) and if u drive slow enuff, u can actually spot a cow grazing by the fields. Unfortunately, at some parts of the road, the car will bump quite badly. So badly that after a while, u feel that u r riding on a horse than driving in a car. And now here's the problem. Because we aren't bouncing physically as like wat we see in the simulator, our brains get kinda confused as to wat state we suppose to be in. Hence we will develop something we call cyber-sickness. It's similar to car-sickness, motion-sickness, etc. And this afected another colleague pretty badly that she had to leave the place to get some fresh air. She looked quite pale when we joined her outside a few minutes later. Lunch followed after that. But the sickness affected my colleague's appetite as well. I think i gotta be thankful that we had lunch AFTER visiting the simulator.

Okay, and now it's my turn. The soles of my shoes (yeah both) decided to go their separate ways from the main part of the shoes, and they came flapping apart. Thankfully, they were glued on to begin wif... so the bottom of my shoes are still sealed. I had to flap my way to get a tube of glue to piece them back.

And then there was these flyers to prepare. I guess it's just one of those days where things are needed the next day and u are told like 24hrs ahead in time. Okay, things aren't that bad if everythings goes smoothly according to plan. But in reality, when does that ever happens? According to Murphy's law, something HAS to go wrong somewhere.

Yeah... it's an interesting incident anyway. I was suppose to print some 50 flyers for wednesday... the design is up, so all i need to do it to get them printed. But i need to buy the materials myself. So i had to hunt for something that will turn out well using inkjet printers. So i head to the computer shop (which was near Canteen B, where we had lunch) to look for suitable printing papers. Glossy photo papers are out, so there's 1 last choice left (and also the last pack of 'premium inkjet papers). But it was sealed up and there was no sample of the paper quality from that pack. So i took that pack and headed over to one of the shop assistant.

Ad: Hi, can i find out the paper quality for this pack?
ASSistant: (took pack) Oh sorry, it's sealed up. We can open it up to show you.
Ad: So, there's no sample on display.
ASSistant: Yah, no(period)

Ok, end of story. Decision made. i headed out to the next possible location. Popular Bookstore down the hill slopes of NTU campus. Guess what? When i reached there, i saw a sign saying "Close for stock taking today. We will be opened tmr 12/10/05..." D'Oh! So it's all the way back up the hill to the minimart where i bought the glue for my shoes. Again, they have a pack of 10 pieces of Glossy Photo paper. But one thing. It's the cheapest i am able to find so far (Too cheap to be good). But they come in 10s only, and i can't check out the quality (coz of a silver holographic seal) so again, left the place emptyhanded. Last place to check out. The bookstore over at NIE, which is a good 10mins walk from where i was. So that's my last try for the afternoon. (A good 30mins+ was spent at those 3 places already) At NIE bookstore... no glossy papers... but managed to get those nice 150gsm papers instead. Well, at least it's something presentable.. so i got 2 packs of 50s... and they cost only as much as a pack of 20 photo papers.

It's finally back to office, where i can get things done. So it's off to print those urgently-needed-by-tmr flyers. 20 pieces later, the printer ran out of coloured ink.. pfft... That really made my day. Well, i could go on printing, but my greens will appear as blues, and the whole design will get screwed up.

Hehe.. so i ended up leaving work and grab a new cartridge on my way home. Well, it IS part of office supplies, so i can claim that amount spent. But then again, I will have to be at work earlier to get things all done up.

I just love my job.

i'm a walking contradiction

At least i think im one.

Well...
1) Sometimes, i feel lonely on MSN, but yet when my frens msg me, i dun feel like talking.

2) Sometimes, i was hoping i can meet someone i know as i walk around the school campus. But when i see someone, i avoided them

3) I yearn to be in a relationship again, but im afraid to commit.

*Sigh*

Are guys not suppose to whine so much? Does it make me less of a guy?

A naggy thot that's been in my mind for awhile now

Darn... my post was trashed halfway thru when my comp restarted for no reason. Sometimes one can suffer a massive heartache when it happens. U are halfway thru pouring ur thots out and then things juz poofed!

Guess it will take me a while to recover to that melancholic mood i had juz now.
*Stared at screen for almost 20mins b4 the mood got back*

Anyway, I was talking about the issue which has always been nagging me from inside. I guess it's juz me... perhaps im juz forcing things to happen between the 2 of us. I'm glad she pushed it back further. Gave me more time to think about the relationship between us now in the present. Honestly, i sometimes dunno where im heading. There were times when i told myself it was because we were once together. Yeah, that's a dumb reason. And there were times that I told myself to treat her as a fren whom i like, and to get to know her better once again. But then again, i realised all the while when i tried to do that, im holding myself back from doing the 'wrong' thing. I hate to admit it, but if we are to get together now, i guess i will still be the same as before.

Recently, i spoke to a close fren of mine about this. We managed to settle down for a while after dinner and got into a sombre mood to talk about this issue. She was asking me what is making me going back for her again? Now, this was a qn i had been asking myself, but had no answer. And no one else can answer it for me. She told me how she felt abt this (about the way im reacting to it) and felt that it wasnt worth my while to be going after her again. But then, this is juz her pt of view. She cant decide for me. (My fren's reply to the issue) Of coz, harsh reality is never something nice to listen. But it did confirm something which I had always been avoiding... Is the effort all worth it? It's is a test of my faith? To believe and put in more effort for what i want? Or have i already put in more than enuff effort?

i met Chris recently for lunch. It was a wild shot, but i managed to meet her. I realised if i dun get all fidgety and relax myself in front of her, things arent that bad. Which comes to one thing... im the one who is making things hard for myself. We had lunch and then shopped around a little after that. I was definitely delighted, as the shopping trip came as a surprise for me. But seriously, I was really myself that time and it really felt comfortable being wif her. Take time to know her again, was wat i told myself. I dun hav to rush into a relationship so soon. Although sometimes, it's nice to hav someone close to talk to, someone to plan the future wif together.

My Power Colour

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's Your Power Color?

What's my Superhero Name?

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Alpha Defender Your Superpower is Extra-terrestrial Your Weakness is Philosophizing Your Weapon is Your Glue Revolver Your Mode of Transportation is Motorcycle

What's your Superhero Name?

Haha!!! I'm The A.D. geddit? Hahaha!!

My special powers... ET's glowing middle finger! And i'm not afraid to use it!!!

"And as Confucius said before..." Gah!!! Ack!! Stay away!!! ZZZzzzzz....

Hmmm... and it also so very much explains my uncanny abilty to help a certain someone trapped in NIE wif a broken sandal/shoe some months back. I have a glue revolver!!!

Heh... riding into the sunset on my trusty suuuuuuuuu-zuuuuuuuuuu-kiiiiiiiii

Ramblings on a cool breezy nite

Tonight's weather: Cool, breezy, with a hint of a rainy night.

Another week has passed just like that.
Many of the things that we had done are history now.
Seems so easy that things happened and are over so soon.
Now we can only look back at them as memories.

i remembered my fren who told me she finally decided to start her own blog. That was like... middle of last week? Wow... seemed like only yesterday.
i remembered talking wif this fren of mine abt selfless love. Which was based on a true story. But we as 3rd parties, can never judge exactly what is right and wrong with selfless love. That topic was also like 3-4 days ago. 3-4 days! The number seemed to increase rather quickly!

oh well... Time seemingly passes by fast when u r busy with something.

Im down with a slight

Hehehe...

1. Your surname stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
6. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
8. The world is your urinal.
9. Same work ... more pay.
10. Wrinkles add character.
11. Wedding Dress $300; Tux rental $50.
12. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
13. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
14. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
15. One mood, ALL the time.
16. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
17. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
18. You don't need to stop and ask for directions.
19. You can open all your own jars.
20. You look just fine without makeup.
21. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she is still your friend.
22. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
23. You can buy your shirts without having to try them on.
24. If you are 34 and single, NOBODY notices.
25. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
26. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
27. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
28. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me".
29. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
30. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
31. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
32. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
33. You almost never have strap problems in public. (Almost?)
34. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
37. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
38. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
45minutes.
Damn, it is great to be a Man!!

Closure? Yeah in a way. Try not to think too much.

Finally had a talk wif HER tonight. Talk? Haha... words that came from the brain, but weren't utterred through speech but text. Yeah.. we talked.

Finally there's a closure to this problem that I been pondering over for a while now.

Once again... I'm given more time to think over and wait.

At least, that's what I came to in conclusion.

Well, try not to think too much. OK. Back to zombifying myself in work.

Seriously, sometimes she makes you ponder if it's all worth the while. Or is it just me rushing into things at the end of the day?

还记得你离开的那晚 天下了一场大雨
我们就在车里 你说了那一些话

给我们 彼此一点时间，好吗？
给我们 各自自己的空间
让我们 去寻找我们所喜欢做的事物
也许如果与你有缘的话， 我们会再次相遇

冷漠的你 似乎把我们的世界冻结了
我当时无法救回 你以冷淡的心
我以为让你走 是我最正确的决定

反正你已经作了选择 我再多说也于事无补
可是我不知道的是 就是因为我们之间的沉默
而使我们 走到分手的这一天

当时是。。。 2003年12月里的莫一天

Whinings

Each day i tried to bury myself wif work and forget abt what's been there deep in my heart. Works well in the day, in the evening and on the way out of my office grounds. But each time on the journey home and late in the night when everyone's asleep, I start thinking of her again.

The card's been sent. And words i wished i could say it out directly to her were all written in a short letter accompanying that card. I know she's busy with her work, and i really do understand that it's more important than this relationship right now. Things can wait i guess.

We do correspond much more regularly, and i'm glad of that. Sometimes i wish i could enter her world again and share her burdens. But then, I'm quite laden myself with my share of worries. But then again, I guess that to be able to share her load already lightens much worries of my own.

The drama series on TV today showed a scene where a girl asked herself whether if she's getting back together out of obligation or is there still love between her and that guy who left and came back into her life.

It all looked so familar to me then.. almost like a deja vu. I asked myself similar qns too. The answer is already there deep in my heart. And I dun need a reason to support my decision. And it's a decision I'm always comfortable with.

But it's different now. Can i assume her feelings for me? Or it's just wishful thinking on my part? i dun feel quite sure anymore about myself.

Another work week today.

Din manage to take photos over the weekend coz it was raining the most part of it. So i left work earlier today (Ok, earlier than my usual overtime. So dun say i eat snake!) and gone over to chinatown. The 8th Lunar festival lightings were on since Sunday, so i figured it's a good day to go and grab some shots of the lights.

The weather was good, but the lightings were less than i expected. Got some nice shots in and around chinatown, and i hope they turned out well. Sent the roll to the photostudio on my way home just now.

Well, if the prints dun turn out well.. it's... the studio's fault!!! No la.. i guess there's lots to learn from the pictures i take. Learn from mistakes, that's the best teacher eh?

Anyway, i'm not expecting all to turn out well. I guess I will be very happy if a few shots turn out the way i wanted them to. Til then, will try to post them when they are done.

Okay back to some work before i snooze.

The week's update

Hmm.. it's been a week since i last blog something here. And here I m, into the month of Sept already.

Nothing much happened last week. Half the time zombified myself wif work. Let's see what happened.

Mon 29/08
There's a half day declared for everyone in NTU. PM Lee was coming in the evening. Roads will be closed. Hence all in the Uni had their schedule cut by half. It was an official half-day for all but no mail was circulated to all the non-academic offices (ie, mine) Anyway all are free to go after 1pm. But we had a deadline of 1st Sept to meet. So i stayed back abit until about 4pm. After that I took the company camera to take some photos of the KPE site near my place. Hehe it was rather cool! Looked like a photojournalist lugging that camera around. Got up close to the site to take pictures. So close that the security came to me and asked what i was doing. :P Hehe.. He asked what dept i was from. And i told him some engring dept who are doing up a model of the whole works.. and i need pics to do up the model. And... he believed me! i guess i looked honest and confident of what i was saying. Or maybe he got confused by what i said. Anyway that's the monday evenign for you.

Tue 30/9
One of our colleagues is leaving for Germany. Ja, he's going home after working here in the company for 6-7 years. He's a nice fellow, l337 programmer... guess we will miss him after he's gone. We all went on a company lunch at Crystal Jade in JP... hehe (Company's tab so we ordered as much as we did) We din over order in the end... leftover of 1 luttuce dish i think.

Had gym later in the evening. Brought Jingying over for the first time, and the consultants wasted no time to sell her the membership. I had a session with the trainer that evening, thankfully he gave the both of us a workout together (trial for JY). Kinda paiseh at the end of it coz I din expect the gym to be so bizness-minded. But anyway, was relieved that JY like it. One crappy thing was that the gym gave her a complimentary member pass until the end of the month.. which is the next day. Duh!!!

Wed 31/09
One day more to proj deadline. I dun think i cant make it. Still have a hellava distance to go. The atmosphere in the office was a little tensed. Good news came in the afternoon, when we found out it was an internal deadline. Nevertheless, it's still a deadline to meet, but at least it wasnt from the client side. Beside, we found out the other dept hadnt finished their part too. Hehehehe... Still, continued zombifying meself with work.

Loaned my colleague's SLR camera. Well, it's something i dreamt to be able to use. Once you experienced it, you can feel the difference between it and a normal point and shoot camera. But of coz, there's still the skill of the photographer to speakth of.

Thu 01/09
It was Teachers' Day. But heard my fren was still stuck in school teaching. Orders from the principal. Poor teachers... :(

Got a roll of film and started snapping some pictures. One thing about the conventional cameras is that u cant just go around and snap any old how u like. Your 'ammo' are limited, thus you gotta imagine how your shots turn out before clicking. In a way, was half visualising my shoots b4 really taking them.

Other than that, still stuck doing my part of the project.

Fri 02/09
Yeah! Friday! Wanted to go around town to finsih up the roll of film. But then, last min schedule changes, and i had to go onsite to a 'client's' place. Ended up ending work earlier than usual. But then it rained, cant do any photoshoots. So went to the IT fair with Paul and Marcus, where i picked up some brochures on DSLRs. Okay, if all goes well with the filmed camera, I will start saving up to get a digital one. For now it's save save save!!!

Okay.. so it din seemed like a nothing-much-happened week afterall! :P

My dream this morning

Taking a short break from work to blog down my dream b4 i forgot again.

Had a weird dream this morning. I dreamt I was on the MRT to somewhere. The terminal and the tracks were ones i dreamt b4. But this time i remembered i was at this station overlooking a small lake... just like one of the scene when one is at MacRitchie Reservoir. Not that i had been there recently, btu i dreamt i was standing on one of those wooden walkways overlooking the waters, and the other bank is some distance away. I was standing at the railings looking at the water, when i notice some movement over at the other bank sliding into the water. It was black and had a yellow underbelly. OMG! I was shock to see that it was part of a snake! And it was a HUGE one! Well, from what i remember... erm, think of MRT train. Yeah, the diameter is that big. Anyway, while i was stunned by the sheer size of it sliding into the water, (still sliding) when i looked down and was stunned yet again to find that the head was already at my feet!

I stepped back (or rather floated back) in fear (or maybe excitement, all i know was that my heart was beating quickly) and then the snake rose out of the water and towered over me. Black and yellow was all i remembered. It hissed at me, but didnt make a move to attack. I wasn't exactly frightened, but was rooted to the ground for a while. Amazed by the snake, i took out my fone and took a few pics of it. then i ran for cover, the snake didnt move for all i know. I ran back to the station and hid behind a pillar and checked my fone for the pictures. there weren't any! No pictures were taken at all! I came out of my hiding place to find the snake again, but it was gone.

The next thing that happened was that i was back in the train travelling somewhere again. Then i loked out of the window and saw the giant snake chasing after the train. It soon caught up and was travelling along side it. Then it overtook the train.

Next thing i knew, I was in a wooden hut. Kinda like mentally prepared for the snake's coming. i was holding on to a piece of cloth, and someone was there wif me. It was rather fuzzy at this point of my dream... suddenly the snake appeared and lifted me off the floor. Yes, i was like sitting on its head, but i managed to cover its head wif the big piece of blue cloth. I guess i seized the chance and plunged something down at the part between the eyes. I think i stabbed it twice. And the snake shrieked (i think it did) and said something to me in a feminine voice, "All I wanted was to see you..."

Fear turned into regret and a little remorse as i realised the snake's intention. That was the part which woke me up. The scenes were so clear but thankfully it was only a dream. A rather weird dream i would say. Hadnt watch anything about snakes recently...

Perhaps subconsciously it's something about my work and worries that i had lately.

Or perhaps I watched too much TV...

Me, a young lady and a $10 note

Someone came up to me today when i was at Rochor area this evening. She was in t-shirt and shorts and carrying an umbrella. Looking probably early 20s. She called out to me in stuttering english and asked me if we can converse in mandarin.

It's so damn obvious wat her motive was. Anyway, she explained to me her dire situation.. about how her family came to s'pore from JB... the rented flat in telok blangah.. her mum and younger siblings... blah blah.. the usual stuff. And all she asking for is $10 for meals for the family. One can tell all the loopholes in the story. She is so "convincing" that she gave me her name (or a faux name) and her home address.

But somehow i gave her the $10. She asked for another $10 more.. but i refused. i drew the line there. i told her to buy what she can to feed everyone wif that amount. She thanked me profusely and left. I presume she gone to find another target.

I guess $10 isn't too much to lose. OF coz $10 is STILL quite alot of $$$. That amt can feed me 3 lunches and a dollar to spare. But then again, how many such cases are real or fraud? Perhaps the possibilty of a genuine case of a poor fellow wandering the streets is practically close to zilch (maybe... im not sure) So we are never sure which is a real poor fellow on the street. Maybe the poorest is even richer than i m now. But anyhow, give her the benefit of a doubt that she's for real, give up something that i might pamper myself with that $10 might seem rather worthwhile. Or im just consoling myself that she's gone away, never to be seen again, and successfully conned a stupid guy of ANOTHER $10?

I'm no saint, I can't be like what the Catholic teachings taught us to be. To give selflessly to the poor and needy. It's different in these modern times. Pple will do anything to survive, to take advantage of those who intend to help. So i guess if that $10 is really able to help that someone settle a meal for her family, Im glad i m able to help. If it's a con job like it meant to be, Im sure she'll be treated fairly for her crimes one day.

1 thing which i failed to do. I didnt get her name and particulars down, no matter how faux it might be. At least i could find some job for her. Noooo, im not being noble by doing that... (Honestly i dun even hav time for myself) but then, it's always a hope. Who knows that little action might help in a big way? But then, it's over... i had gave her the $10 willingly and at that pt in time i juz felt like getting away from that situation.

Another lesson learnt... be it good or bad... i guess God helped me made that decision.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Birthdate: July 19

Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path. But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated. A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life that may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations. You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well. Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences. The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married. You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Chances

Finally got my internet connection back on again. Was down since last week when i gone into my router to tweak some stuff. Well, din manage to get it working again (dunno why... definitely the hardware. Cant be that im so bad at tweaking network stuff) Anyway got a new wireless gateway from Sathanas over the weekend. And my Gawd!!!! I got it running in a matter of minutes! It's surely hardware problem on my old router. Well, glad to see my blog's unhacked after being away for so long.

Went out for dinner wif Chris today. Initially, i planned to watch a movie with her, but we couldn't find a common time so we ended up having juz a dinner instead. I was really looking fwd to today... finally decided to tell her about how i feel. But i kinda backed out at the last min. Questions were swimming in my head. I suddenly dun know wat to say. I thot the dinnerplace was right. But we had so much to chat (actually she said more than i did). She was telling me about her training for her new work and I was really glad to see the enthusiasium coming back to her. And I couldnt bring myself to change the topic/mood. We then walked around the shopping mall. But still, i cant bring myself to ask. "What should i say?" She said she wanted to look for a compass. At least that got me occupied for a while. And we managed to find one. At the bus stop, i guess that was the best time to ask, but i kinda panicked. "What should i say?" "Erm, i still like to be with you?" Well, that was the best line i could muster myself to say out. And then the bus came. At that point in time i decided perhaps i could only express out what i want to say in words, and i decided to write a letter to her telling her how i felt. The bus reached my stop first, i bade her farewell and alighted. I thot I saw a little disappointment in her, but i was too full of myself to notice it.

She was home a few mins after but i was still at the bus stop waiting for another bus home. I was thinking to myself, asking why can't i bring myself to say it to her? I realised it was myself all along, i m the one creating the barrier myself. I was looking at her smses in my fone when a new msg came from her. "You hav nothing to tell me?" was the msg. I knew that was the last chance i had. I called her back immediately. I stuttered a little... and took a deep breath b4 i told her whats in my heart all this time.

What seemed like eternity lasted merely few seconds. Time seemed to stop for a moment and everything felt unreal. I believe she was listening although she was silent over on her end. My bus came, and she said that we continue the conversation when im home. My legs started running when i alighted from the bus. Somehow, i wanted to reach home as fast as i can.

I have been given another chance and I will not lose it again. But the conversation didn't happen. No, it wasn't intentional of her. Juz that it wasn't convenient to talk tonite. So i'm hoping that it's possible tomorrow nite.

No, i'm not blaming her for anything. Im glad things are working out between us. Perhaps this is God's way of making me persist on what i want for myself. Hope things work out tomorrow night.

My 26th year on this planet

I'm here again... before this day goes down in history. Well, guess by the time i finish this entry, i be 26yrs and 1 day old. Ah... it's JUST another day for everyone, even for me this year round. It just isn't any special day anymore.. guess as we grow older.. we grow out of it. Hopefully, another year older, another year wiser.

In a way, i'm happy that many of my frens remembered it. Some came as a surprise to me too. A simple wish from them is enough to brighten my day. But of coz, i'm disappointed at the same time. I waited the whole day for her msg. But it never came. It's really more than anything else i ever wanted for my birthday. Can't blame her. She's busy with her training at work. From what i gather, it's rather hectic... there's even classes in the evenings. I guess it's kinda like a crashcourse to teach them all the company policies and what-nots in 1 mths' time.

That aside... I got a Zippo lighter from a bunch of close frens. (Haha! Yeah, a Zippo lighter.. i dun smoke... but it's cool to do tricks wif the Zippo. Hehe... thanks guys!) I dunno how, did i blurt it out? Can't rem.. but was really nice that they got something i wanted. Had a dinner gathering on Monday night, casual farewell dinner for Ave who is flying off to US until at least end of the year. (Nooooo, I won't miss her. Yes Ave, i juz answered ur qn. Well, it's juz MY answer. I dun speak for the majority) The gathering was also to celebrate for all those July bay-beesss... yeah... we had pasta at Pastamania and a little choco b'day cake. A simple gathering to meet up wif everyone.

And today, got a few birthday greetings in the morning. Short and sweet, but enuff to brighten my day. David and Avril knew too, and we had La Mian and Xiao Long Bao for lunch. Was their treat... hehe... Thanks again guys!

Gone to gym wif Paul in the evening. (Yeah, a different way to 'celebrate' my birthday) He said something while we were there which kinda got me thinking. Many atimes, it's always the mental determination which pushes us to do what we seemingly feels that we are unable to do. Many things that we are doing have always been mind games.

"When the mind crumbles, the body will surely follow" It has always been mind over matter... if u think u can do it... u surely will. If ur mind juz gives up, the body will surely collapse too.

I guess i hav always been a mentally weak person (to myself). On my way home juz now, Paul's words got me thinking a little. Yeah, sometimes i juz need to think i can, and inject more confidence into myself.

I guess that's all for tonite... Will she send a greeting tomorrow? But it will be a different feeling by then...

李圣杰--手放开

This isn't a new song. But suddenly i started noticing the lyrics. Kinda describing how i feel. Especially the chorus (the long chunk in the middle), yeah, im still waiting despite it all. Havent have a chance to speak to her yet. Juz feel that it isnt the right time now....

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事一幕一幕
再次演出你我的爱

我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感概

不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给
时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯
所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌写着等待

最后的疼爱是手放开
我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
啃咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开
我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害

Dreams

I had a dream this morning... I dreamt i was in bed asleep, naked and not ashame or shy about it. And i wasn't alone. There was a girl next to me. i cant see her face, but she's naked as well. I wasn't panicky or excited. I was rather, very calm, as if I expected her to be there. No, it's not an erotic dream. But i remembered my eyes were closed, i juz felt her presence nex to me. I could smell her scent, it was a comforting scent, something i remember from my childhood. (okok i could see her boobs too) but simply i cant see her face. We were facing each other and she was sleeping as well. Hmm.. no, i shd say she's lazing in bed.

Well, if the dream is to be interpreted, there will be 3 significant issues here.
1) Im in my own bed
2) Im naked
3) There's a naked girl in the dream

I talked to my niece and also checked some interpret-your-dreams sites. They all seemed to pt to similar things. But are they to be seen as a whole or separately?

Anyway, the bed seems to show that im in a familar environment. That im feeling comfortable and without worries. The nakedness too, shows urge to show my true self. Clothings would mean that consciously i have something to hide. Also the calmness of knowing that im unclothed shows the lack of inhibitions. The girl in the dream is that someone whom i have always been thinking of. And sub-consciously she has been there all this while. Her nakedness also shows that I wan nothing in between us as we get to know each other (?) hmm... makes sense.

So putting it all together... it does lead somewhere. My project at work seems to be coming to an end. And also my graduation ceremony juz ended yesterday (monday).. everything is coming to a closure, that's why the comfortable bed. And also I wan to tell everyone i noe abt myself.. about all the medical problems i hav, all the worries in my head. And especially to the girl in my mind, it's only fair to let her noe about me. Perhaps i was really tensed up over the past few weeks. Had a 4 day break to unwind myself, really felt the difference. It's also when the sub-conscious mind took over and tell me what i was really feeling inside.

Yeah, dats how i'd interpret my dream. Dreams. Are they a way our minds trying to send some message across to us? How is it that we remember some of them so vividly, and how is it we cant recall a thing about what we dreamt the moment we wake up?

another morning thot

No dreams, no screams and no porn when i woke up this morning...

Juz a body full of aches when i try to rise out of bed...

oof!

Gym + Mr Softee = One... Square One

It's an interesting day today. A day which i feel i must pen down what happened.

Nothing much during work. Juz the usual stuff of working and falling asleep after staring at monitor for prolong hours. I think i really need to get one of those deioniser thingys... either the electronic one or one of those salt lamps which cost abt $100 for a small one. But then, it makes no sense to put it in the office. Well, that's so much for what happened in the day.

Oh, well, the canteen is opened after 2 weeks of renovations, and finally i'm able to sit down there and hav a decent meal (compared to fast foods). Met Fen, Dennis, Boss and Ah Yong. They were all decked up formally for some meetings... heh.. end up im the only one eating. And it's back to work after 45mins of break.

The interesting stuff happened in the evening. I finally dragged my tired, limp body to gym.. thinking a workout will make me feel fresher. Suppose to be on tuesday... but i zonked out in the train and ended up going home... earlier than usual. Ok, back to the gym... well... i guess im tired to begin wif... so the session on the threadmill wasn't as fruitful as i thot. And 2 ladies beside me were running waaaay longer and waaaaay faster than me added to the pressure (i noe, i noe, dun bother abt pple nex to u when u exercise.. it's not a competition. But well, a little competition helps, no?) okok, anyway, 12 out of the 15mins and im so out of the race. And off to the weights... I guess im realy tired today, managed to complete my sets, but left me more strained than usual. After the gym, i decided to look for my 'fitness consultant' who hav since owe me my membership card from end May til now.

Spoke to the receptionist and found that the bugger already quit. F**k!! And he did not inform me. Yet another 'consultant' of mine left without a word... what the?!?!? So the receptionist got my number and will get the membership dept to contact me. Sigh... The gym owes me my membership card and a tee. Yes they owe me! I paid for them all! im gonna ask for the free sports bag again man... Im so pissed.

Left gym and gone to the 7-11 to get a drink. And guess wat? HEHEHEHEHE... they have chendol softee!!! After searching many a 7-11 store, finally one that sells and hav stock!!! But it wasn't really an appropriate time to eat softee, esp after gym. But then... WHO CARES?! When is it ever an approriate time? MUAHAHA!!! Well, that softee really made my day. Really cooled me down. HA!

Guess that's the highlight of the day. Something that left me even more tired to begin wif. But hopefully, tomorrow will be a fresher day.

My prayer

A prayer is simply a silent communication with the Lord. Sometimes to ask Him for help, sometimes to thank Him for all He had done for us and also sometimes when we r weary and needed to talk to someone. and He is always there. A lot of times, we take things for granted, or we blame that things didn't go our way. I guess we really need to sit down and count the subtle things we overlooked. And instead of asking "Why?" to things that happened, ask "Why not?" when things happened that way.

And here's a little prayer of mine:

I thank God for all the nagging i receive, it means that I have family and frens who are concern about me.

I thank God for all the overtime and stress from work, it means I hav a stable job to do.

I thank God for all the laughter around me, i'm blessed wif the gift to make the people around me happy

I thank God for the urges to buy useless stuff, it simply shows i'm living in comfort

I thank God for the quiet moments in the train, it's time where i get to do some self-reflection

I thank God for all the bad experiences in life, so that i may appreciate all that's dear to me.

I thank God for being there always, that i always have a spirtual suport to lean on.

Lastly, I thank God for the gift of wisdom, so that i may write this little prayer (to show off to others) and to offer it to You.

Woke up this morning and i feel like im chasing after a dream.

A Reunion

Had a wonderful gathering wif all my JC Dance Team frens tonite. It's not so much of seeing them again. But rather, what they got me thinking of my own life.

Most of us turned up today for a simple get together dinner (we met last week for a movie) so it wasn't really a catching-up with what each other is doing. Our dear pregnant-for-6mths fren finally turned up as well. Was quite happy to see her, seeing that bulging tummy does look weird. 7-8 years ago.. we all were dance partners... 2 yrs ago.. she got married.. and now... pregnant for 6 months already. Wow time really flies.

A few others are planning to get married soon. My dear 'sister' finally sees her flat taking shape. (Yes... bought a flat like 2 years ago? When only the grounds were laid out according to the blueprints) Our 'big sis' is doing really well as a freelance makeup artist. Well, for those who are getting married and needs a makeup artist, please book her at least ONE year in advance. (Interested please pm me for her contact). Next, a fren is starting her own (yes! HER OWN) magazine house in aussie and planning to distribute to Singapore or M'sia. She's back to laise wif some publishers, so i heard. Another fren of ours is now a fine looking young lady and seems to be climbing the career ladder smoothly.

Well, i won't say im envious of them. To each his/her own. Everybody has their story to tell, what we see now may be the fruits of their labour. The more we compare, the more frustrated we get. Most importantly we are comfortable wif our lives.

But actually, it's all these that got me thinking. Where do i wan to go? What m i doing now? Can things be better than wat it is now? It's time i start planning for what i wan. Or m i juz floating around and let the tides take me to wherever it goes? Well, that's seems like a carefree plan. Do what i like, and take everything as it comes. But it's not me to let events catch me offguard... im the kind who prefers to anticipate things to happen. But i hate that coz it always makes me mentally tired from thinking too much.. or rather worry too much into other possiblities.

And then we were talking about planning for marriage and house and stuff. Well, imagine this... close your eyes and imagine this scenario. This is the nex milestone in life.... the academic years are over... you are wif someone whom u gonna spend the rest of ur life wif... and for the very first time.. you r gonna be planning something for your own lives... as an adult. I dunno... but it really sounds exciting to me... as i embark on a journey wif my beloved together as one.

Imagine the cost of it all... how the wedding will turn out.. where to hold the dinner... who to invite... how things will turn wrong at the last minute... etc... And then there's the house.. the payments... the furniture.. the colours... and also things that will go wrong at the last minute. But at the end of the day, when everything falls into place, all these will form another set of beautiful memories that had been part of a new beginning as you live your new life together wif ur husband/wife.

Ah.. haha.. a simple reunion got me thinking of soo many things... Perhaps it's just a fairy tale dream? Or something that's really possible to happen?

Perhaps.... perhaps.... perhaps...

Why do we fall?

Lately, it seems that many of my frens around me are depressed. Mostly are with work (or no work), relationship, and family problems.

I guess it's really easy to forget one's own problems by dwelling into another's. But sometimes, it seemed more like sitting down together and pour our hearts out to one another. Probably doesn't solve the problems at hand, but it does certainly makes one feel better.

I notice a trait of mine (probably it's a Cancerian's trait) is that I love to provide a listening ear. Or shd i say a listening heart. I listen wif my heart but i try no to provide a solution. I will just be there to lighten your burden, perhaps once the confusion/anger settles down, one is able to see the path to take. On the other hand, im not used to pouring my woes to my fren's around me. I dunno why.. ironically, i dun like to burden others wif MY problems. I look to myself to find a solution to my own problems. Weird huh? Probably im used to solving problems that's why i turned to myself. Well, im not saying that my fren's cant help. It's simply that feeling of not wanting to burden my frens wif my issues. Yeah, really weird, i expect others to share wif me while im not willing to do the same.

Anyhow, whichever the case is, life is never smooth sailing. There will be times we will make a wrong choice and fall. In a way, so that we can learn to pick ourselves up and carry on. Only by knowing our mistakes, will we treasure what we have and what is right. Also again doing the right thing is very subjective. So i try not to provide solutions from what i feel is 'right'. A listening ear is what someone needs at times.. and a listening ear i shall be.

Nobody has gone thru life without falling. So don't be afraid to fall and pick urself up. Sometimes when we fall, we get to see life through another point of view, no two falls are alike, dont you agree?

Ok Ok, im not saying we shd fall so many times (it hurts! especially when u scrap u knees!) But be mindful of what went wrong when we fell, and try to make better the actions at the next chance we hav.

I'm rambling again. Juz turning some nonsensical thots into words....

Response to "Something to ponder..."

Many thanks to everyone who commented on the recent entry i posted.

Being together i guess is a very blessed gift given to a couple. It takes quite an amount of self sacrifice on both sides to work things out. I see it as 2 pieces of jigsaws fitting in together nicely while at the same time fitting into their surrounding pieces.

To move on. To try. To wait. To accept that special someone.

Actually we all hav our own answers to that question when it really happens to us. And also it depends on the circumstances that it happens in. Really, there's no 'correct' answer to that age old question.

okayyyy... juz some ramblings from myself and also a word of thanks to those who left their comments on that entry

Revelations of a PC Geek (Part I)

I just realise that running ~

4 BitTorrents,
2 IE Windows (1 Blogger and 1 Blogspot),
MSN wif 1 chat window open,
and Maya...

will kill a system running on a Pentium 4 3GHZ, with 1GB, 400MHz Ram. And even pulling the virtual memory down to 1000KB for about close to 10minutes.. GAWD!!!

Dunno what i'm talking about? Nebermind.. it's geek talk... You do?! Good!!! (Takes one to understand one...)

Anyway, many stuff (both boring and interesting) happened today.. but brain and hands not in sync to blog 'em down... tomorrow perhaps...

Got some ideas for a sappy sad story. I'll see if i hav time to start writing or not.

Thanks to those who left comments on the prev entry. Yeah, it's another of life's profound questions.

Something to ponder b4 i sleep

Okay, here's another age old question which has seemingly no answers to it.
Something i thought of before i go to bed tonite.

If given a choice, would you :
- choose to wait for that someone whom u love, but he/she doesn't likes you?
Or
- choose that someone who likes you, but he/she is someone u never thot of liking (not detest, but someone u hav no chemistry with)?

Well, it's something to get me to sleep tonite.. Juz thot i might share wif pple i know...

Urgh!! Another work week coming up again...

(Psyking myself..) It's a beautiful monday!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Congratulations, you are...

Cowboy Caleb of cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com

You are smart, loyal and sensitive. You are also very caring towards other people and you help them out whenever you can. You are very passionate about your line of work. You fight for your beliefs and if someone doesn't agree with you, you argue your point of view across in a very convincing yet diplomatic manner. For that, you earn respect.

Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?

Some thots

A few days after i posted my previous entry, i feel that i was kinda whiny when i wrote that. But then, i gotta say that i do feel better after writing out my feelings. Also, it's one of those RARE moments where i'm able to blog down my thots instantly. It really cleared out my thots and made me decide on what to do next.

i hav been telling myself all the time that i'm not the only one in the world who is having problems, so do not go around feeling so depressingly full of myself.

If the problem can be solved, why then do we need to worry when there is a solution to it?
And if the problem cannot be solved (at least in the short run), why then do we worry when we know that there's no solution now?

Of cos, i dun mean juz shoving the issue aside and wait for miracles to happen on it's own. In fact, i do believe miracles do happen, but there must be some effort on our part. There will surely be a right time when everything falls together perfectly. Just like when 2 pendulums swinging at different speeds, there will be a time when both swings together in the same direction. That time may be only a split-second, that's why we must always be ready to grab that opportunity when it comes.

But how do we really know when is the 'right' time? There is never a 'right' time to anything. We just have to seize any opprtunity when it comes. You'll never know until you try rite? There's always a risk to that of coz, but then, the greatest regret in our lives is the risk that we did not take. I would rather take and face the failure (of coz, success is the preferred outcome) than look back and say "I shd hav tried when i hav the chance"

I guess preaching is easier than practising... But i know God is always there to help us when we fall or when we feel lost. Most importantly we must never give up on ourselves...

(Yes, I will start facing all my fears and not run away from them all)

On days when i'm busy, I think of her. Thinking if she'd be coping well wif hers.

On days when i'm sick, I think of her. Thinking and hoping that she's well and has not fallen ill as well.

On days when i'm out alone, I think of her. Thinking if she's happy with what she's doing.

On nights when I travel home, tired from work, I think of her. And I wish she was the one i can go home to.

On nights when I go to bed, she's in my thoughts. I wondered how was her day.

On those times when something good happened to me, she was the first person to come to mind. I wish she was the first person I can share my joy with.

For all these times... I can only think of them. I can't fulfil them now. And i guess I never will. It is a complicated issue. For I can really say I love her, but lacking the courage to tell her. She has all the reasons to reject a coward like me.

Why do i still love her, you ask?
I'm in love with her maturity... grown-up yet child-like...
I'm in love with her innocence... naive yet witty
I'm in love with her cheeriness when we are together
I'm in love simply becos it's her

Still... it is impossible now. She has lost much of her happiness now, so i see. But i'm in no position to judge. I want to deliver her from her sadness. I want to give her the happiness she lost. I want to be able to love her again, if that's not too much to ask.

"There are a million stars in the sky, why limit your choice to only one?"

"Because she was my guiding star. And because she taught me how to love unconditionally"

当你

当你的眼睛眯着笑
当你喝可乐当你找
我想对你好
你从来不知道
想你想你
也能成为嗜好

当你说今天的烦恼
当你说夜深你睡不着
我想对你说
却害怕都说错
还喜欢你
知不知道

Since i'm here might as well i write something b4 i forget about it again.

Got a story of my fren. He was going after this gal. They were good frens, and he's a little of the shy kind (like me :P), well, okay, i would say he's the kind who is cautious when going after a girl. He finally got on good terms with the girl he likes. I guess it's only a matter of time b4 they are together.

But recently he discovered he has an illness, which might take a long time to recover. Probably will be on medication for a long time and requires special needs. Right now in a way, he's feeling quite depressed. I'm the only one who knows about it. All i can do now is to console him to stay positive. Besides, it shd be the early stages, im sure it isn't that bad...

All this got me thinking... What happens if one day i got an illness which requires long term treatment/medication too? Would i still be in a position to love someone? What if she finds out abt it? How would she react? I dare not ask her to stay by me. I feel it's unfair for her. Perhaps it's just my point of view, i dun wan my loved one to suffer with me.

But looking from the other pt of view, I won't leave the one love when she is suffering from an illness. I will want to be there with her. I will be there to share her burden. Well, it's something dat got me thinking now.

That's the power of love? I guess so.