What if they were American?

We, American soccer fans, spend so much time wondering what our best athletes would play like if they stepped on the pitch. But, what if some of the greatest international footballing talents were, instead, born in the U.S. and were not exposed to the beautiful game? Would they still be pro athletes? Let's find out. Check out the first installment, the second, and the third.

Rafael van der Vaart, Arjen Robben, and Wesley Sneijder



These guys would all have gone to the same high school in Connecticut and be average white suburban dudes. Well, maybe not average. They'd all be sick athletes, at least on a high school/pickup level. And they'd play golf and tennis. None of them could make it in the traditional American pro sports, though. They're all too frail and/or too small and/or complete d-bags. They could probably compete as college baseball players or maybe D-3 ballers, but that's about as far as they would go. Maybe Wes Sneijder could play quarterback or wide receiver. He might be able to take a hit or two. All three seem pretty intelligent and well-adjusted, so I'm sure they all would've gone the college route and found jobs and by now they'd just drink beer and talk about the Yankees and get way too amped up for a pickup hoops game at the YMCA in Darien. And, of course, they'd all be "boys" but they'd passively-aggressively wanna kill each other and cheat on their girlfriends and wives with each other's girlfriedns and wives and argue about who is wearing the tighter jeans. But, at the end of the day, they're all supremely jealous of this guy...

Robin van Persie



At 6-2, their classmate Rob Van Percey has the size (and undoubtedly the skill) to make it in American pro sports. I see him as an enigmatic/borderline ace starting pitcher. With my baseball reference points stuck in the mid-90s, David Cone is kind of the comparison. A semi-sleazy dude with serious stuff who rolls off a 20-win season every now and then and maybe even a Cy Young, but he just can't really string it together on a long term basis. Later in his career, he has his perfect game and maybe around 34 or 35 he succumbs to the temptations of HGH and finally really becomes the perennial All-Star the scouts thought he could be. Either way, he'd be a legend in his white-ass CT town and Rafi, Wes, and Arnold would brag to whomever is listening about how they used to beat him up in 4th grade.

Gareth Bale



Right now, the 21-year-old Bale would the reigning Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback with an uncertain future in the NFL. At 6 feet and not exceptionally sturdy, he'd have trouble taking hits as a pro QB. I think he'd go in the 3rd or 4th round and get some PT as a punt returner, 3rd down receiver, or wildcat quarterback on occasion. With his lightning speed and shifty feet, he'd definitely be good for a few highlight reel plays each season. Maybe down the line he gets a shot when the starting QB goes down. Maybe he surprises everyone and goes on a nice little run.

Antonio Cassano



Much like I postulated about Schweinsteiger, Cassano would be lost without the beautiful game. He's pretty much lost as it is and he's playing for one of the biggest teams in the world and starting for the Italian national team. The American sporting landscape, though, wouldn't be so kind. He's average-sized at best. He has trouble keeping weight off. Maybe he could play running back in high school? D-3? He could definitely get to Athlete of the year status at his high school, but after those glory years I see him ending up as a tragic tattooed ne'er-do-well floating around with a glass of wine in one hand and an almond croissant in the other.

Mario Balotelli



Athletically, he could be an all-pro wide receiver or an all-star guard, but it doesn't seem like he likes to get hit. So, I'd have to go with perpetually disgruntled NBA phenom. Something like the mind of a 20-year-old Rasheed Wallace in Derrick Rose's body. Truly a frightening prospect for most everyone in the NBA. It's basically the same situation we're in now. Extremely rare talent with no way of knowing if he'll be an all-timer or an all-time bust.

Giuseppe Rossi



Well, now this is a little awkward. So, he'd have to be born in Italy to American parents and then move to the U.S. to fulfill his lifelong dream to play for the Yankess and work his way up from the Tampa Bay Rays farm system? This is giving me a headache. Moving on...

Robinho



Pretty much the same story as his teammate Cassano. Minus the tattoos and pastries. Rob Souza, as he'd be known in the States, is listed at 132 pounds. No joke. That's just not gonna cut it in any American sport. Add on his childish antics and a lack of a real work ethic and things wouldn't be too happy in the Souza household. If he was from Florida, he'd still be living at his mom's place playing X-box all day. All-county point guard in high school, though, of course.

Andy Carroll



This one's easy. After an all-state high school football career playing quarterback, linebacker, placekicker, and punter, he'd be in jail for assault playing on the same pickup basketball team as Joey Barton. And then he'd get sold to Christian Poulsen's and Luis Suarez's team for 400,000 carton of cigarettes.

Carlos Tevez



At 5-8, he's certainly on the small side, but homeslice is a goddamn battering ram who plays to exhaustion every time he's on the pitch. We've seen all-pro NFL running backs his size before. He'd also fit in perfectly with the running back corps; threatening to retire every offseason and whatnot. If the NFL doesn't work out and, assuming he'd be from Jersey, he could also carve out a nice little career as a scary temperamental reality TV star.

CNN's top headline: "U.S.: Who do we talk to now?"

World Cup 2010 Preview: Let's Go!

Something came up yesterday. But I'm gonna finish this out strong.

Group G: Brazil, Portugal, North Korea, Ivory Coast

Even though it may be down a Drogba, I still think this group still deserves the Death label. Three legitimate contenders for, at least, the semifinals and the most batshit crazy country on the planet. Chilling.

I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I think Brazil is gonna win the Cup. This team is scary. Everyone likes to say that this team is clinical, they rely on their athleticism, they betray the spirit of the beautiful game, they make Pele cry himself to sleep at night. Really? The same squad with Robinho, Kaka, Elano, Dani Alves, Nilmar, and Maicon? This is a squad of serious world class athletes with serious world class skills. They play organized because their coach, Dunga, is smart and knows how to win. I'm tempted to say they win the whole thing easily, but the Cup always gets a little wacky. Needless to say, I got them coming out on on top of this group.

It's also become fashionable to say that Portugal is in bad shape and will go home early. The way I see it, this team is built for the World Cup. They have a virtually impenetrable defense anchored by Pepe, a ridiculously creative midfield led by Deco, Danny, and Raul Meireles, and, of course, Cristiano Ronaldo, remade for this tournament as one of the most lethal strikers in the world. This team is designed to grind out results. They had a tough going early on in the qualifying, but they've evolved into a rock solid squad.

A couple other things that Portugal has going for it: its best player didn't break his arm last week and its head coach wasn't hired in late March. Such is the Ivory Coast's situation heading into the tournament. Before the draw, this team was rightly regarded as Africa's best hope, but it's hard to see them making much noise, in their current incarnation, against organized squads like Portugal and Brazil.

And North Korea, well, I think we're all a little confused that they're actually at the party. They do have Tae-Se Jong, the People's Wayne Rooney, so that's a plus. But, seriously. They'll be competing with New Zealand for 32nd place.

Brazil and Portugal advance.

Group H: Spain, Chile, Switzerland, Honduras

First and last place are pretty self-explanatory in this group. Spain has been the best football team since the last World Cup and Honduras only qualified because of a fluke header at RFK Stadium by the USA's worst player with one minute left in qualifying.

Chile and Switzerland are kind of a toss-up. Chile's got a gang of young attackers (or so I've been told) and the Swiss, while every time I see them play pretty much suck, always seem to make it to tournaments and then exceed expectations, unless they're playing at home. Call me crazy, but I'd rather see goals than a bunch of 0-0 games, so I'm just gonna advocate for Chile to get out of the round.

Spain and Chile advance.

World Cup 2010 Preview: Let's Go!

I'm gonna try to get through the last five groups but I'm not making any promises.

Group D: Germany, Serbia, Australia, Ghana

This group is part of the reason why I took me so long to come with the second part of this preview. It might not be the Group of Death, but it's certainly Group of Deathish.

Before the draw, I was running around saying that the Aussies are the darkhorse team, but after seeing this draw, I'm just not feeling it anymore. They're still a quality side, they got ballers with a good amount of international experience, and an inspirational leader (who's not injured) in Tim Cahill, but word on the street is that their coach Pim Verbeek is trying to fit square holes in round pegs or something. An uninspired showing against the U.S. didn't do anything to dispel this notion, so I'm writing the Socceroos off.

I'd love to pick Ghana, but it's hard to do that with Michael Essien--the second best player in Africa--watching from the sidelines. They did make a surprise run in the African Nations Cup with a young squad (and no Essien), but it's hard to pick them against Germany and Serbia.

Despite the absence of Michael Ballack, Germany is a virtual lock to go to the second round. After that it could get a bit dicey for a team that's widely thought to be one of the weakest that Deutschland has put out out there in a while. But with the talent of Bastian Schweinsteiger (sp?), newly promoted captain Philip Lahm and an experienced strikeforce led by Klose and Podolski, these guys should fight their way through.

Serbia gets the edge because of their experience. Nemanja Vidic and Dejan Stankovic are built for big games and their coach, Randomir Antic, has won the La Liga and has managed both Real Madrid and Barcelona. This is just a classy team. I can seeing them getting points against Germany, winning this group, and going deep in the tournament.

Serbia and Germany advance.

Group E: Cameroon, Denmark, Japan, Netherlands

I'm sure that Wesley Sneijder and Robin Van Persie will eventually get into a fight about who's better-looking, but in the first round the Dutch, who, as usual, boast as much as talent as any team in the tournament, should have few problems moving on to the knockout rounds.

Japan has been in horrible form for months and they're the obvious pick for last place. So, it really comes down to Cameroon vs. Denmark. With Samuel Eto'o, Cameroon clearly will have the best player in this game, and, in looking at their rosters, they probably have an edge in talent and experience, too. Still, it's hard to look past the Danes, considering they won a tough Euro qualification group that featured Sweden and Portugal. The Danes really seem to have a good thing going, but my heart's saying Cameroon. Also, I just tried to justify Denmark going through by praising Nicklas Bendter. That's just wrong.

I'm going for it.

Netherlands and Cameroon go through.

Group F: Italy, New Zealand, Paraguay, Slovakia

Much like Germany, just based on pedigree and experience, you have to put Italia in the second round. Coach Lippi's squad selection has been questioned--especially the decision to leave Teaneck's finest Giuseppe Rossi at home--but with Gianluggi Buffon in goal, De Rossi controlling the midfield, and a potent strikeforce that includes veterans like Iaquinta, Di Natale, and Gilardino, these guys should cruise through the first round.

I'm not gonna front like I know anything about these other teams. All I can really say is Slovakia's Marek Hamsik is one of the best young players in Serie A, New Zealand has a defender on its roster that doesn't even start for New York Red Bulls, and the best Paraguayan striker, Salvador Cabañas was shot in the head in Mexico City a few months ago. He won't be going to South Africa.

So, armed with this information: Hamsik has a great tournament, but can't inspire his team to the second round. New Zealand ends up with a -7 goal differential. And Paraguay rallies behind their fallen brother and scrapes through to the second round. Amazing.

Italy and Paraguay go through.

Groups G and H tomorrow. I promise.

World Cup 2010 Preview: Let's Go!

We're gonna talk about Diego Maradona. We're gonna talk about Gonzalo Higuain. We're gonna talk about Didier Drogba. We're gonna really get into it. We're gonna talk about Winter in the Southern Hemisphere, vuvuzelas. We're gonna talk about Franck Ribery. We're gonna go hard on this.

This will be broken up into a few different parts. I'll basically write until I feel like I'm not making sense anymore and then I'll stop. I'll do that until we get through all 8 groups and then I might make some knockout round predictions. Maybe even pick a winner of this thing.

Let's go!

Group A: South Africa, France, Uruguay, Mexico

It bears mentioning that the host country has never failed to qualify for the second round. But I'm not sure any host team has really been as bad as South Africa. Still, maybe momentum or a vuvuzela immunity will carry them through. Maybe Matt Damon will come down from heaven and captain them to the glory. Something will get them to the next round. Plus, they really didn't look too horrible in last summer's Confederations Cup and their group mates are each a bit lacklusterish in their own ways.

France is franceing its way to the World Cup with its handballs and its child prostitution scandals and its astrology and dune buggy-loving head coach. Sure they got Ribery, Anelka, Malouda, Gourcuff, and an unstoppable young goalkeepr in Hugo Lloris. But I picked these guys to win Euro 2008 and they basically took a nap on the field against the Netherlands. So, the foolman can't get fooled.

I really think the other second round team will come down to the Uruguay/Mexico match. And with two red-hot strikers in Luis Suarez and Diego Forlan, you have to give the edge to the Uruguayans. With Carlos Vela, Javier Hernandez, Gio dos Santos, and others, Mexico has a nice young core, but I don't think they'll have the experience to shut down Uruguay's lethal attackers or break down their experienced defenders.

Uruguay and South Africa move on

Group B: Argentina, Nigeria, South Korea, Greece

Argentina forwards Lionel Messi, Carlos Tevez, Sergio Aguero, Gonzalo Higuain and Diego Milito scored a combined 155 goals for their club teams in 2009/10. So, yeah, Argentina's probably a pretty good bet to make it to the next round. I still think that Diego Maradona not calling up Esteban Cambiasso and Javier Zanetti--the midfield lynchpin and the captain, respectively, of the BEST CLUB TEAM IN THE WORLD--will come back to haunt these guys in the later rounds. But you can probably book them in the quarterfinals just based on offensive firepower alone.

As for the other squads, South Korea pretty much relies on Ji-Sung Park and Chu-Young Park for all their offense and Greece isn't scaring anyone, except for fans of fast-paced free-flowing football (Oh SNAP!), so you really gotta think that Nigeria will be able to pull out second place. If there's gonna be any African unity bounce or whatever, the Nigerians should be a prime recipient. Also, their squad is kind of stacked. Aiyegbeni Yakubu, Obafemi Martins, Mikel John Obi, three goalies that play in the Israeli Premier League; they're not a team that anyone's gonna look forward to playing.

Argentina and Nigeria move on

Group C: England, USA, Algeria, Slovenia

England has their issues, but if Wayne Rooney can just manage not to break his leg climbing a tree from now until June 12, the Three Lions should have a pretty easy time in what might be the weakest group in the tournament. England's defense might be a question mark but Rooney, Peter Crouch, Frank Lampard,Steven Gerrard and a crew of tricky wingers led, most likely, by Aaron Lennon and Theo Walcott should see them through.

As for the rest of the group, it's hard to be objective (because I love freedom and bald eagles so much), but you really couldn't handpick more favorable opponents for the United States. Algeria and Slovenia both had to go the playoff route to qualify for the tournament and there's really not any player you'd call world class on their squads. Sure, they got their Seria A and Bundesliga strikers, their Ligue 1 defenders, their Coca-Cola Championship midfield generals, but they're teams the U.S. is eminently capable of defeating or, at least, drawing. Landon Donovan and Clint Dempesey bring a lot of skill and athleticism to the midfield, Jozy Altidore is exponentially more beastly in international play and with Tim Howard, they have a top-10 goalkeeper. They should be able to score a few goals and make up for a bitterly disappointing performance in 2006.

England and the United States move on

Check back later (or never) for the rest of the preview.

Get your wig pushed back by the wig push backer

Giuseppe Rossi: Props Like The Micro Chip Founder

So, I really had to say something this time. That's right, it took a kid from Teaneck scoring goals for the Italian National Team against the United States National Team to lure me out of semi-retirement. (I still might decide to Roger Clemens the game for next four or five years. We'll see what kind of offers come in.)

I really could never have imagined a stranger scenario. Someone that grew up playing on the same fields as me could win the World Cup one day, or at least the Confederations Cup this month, for Italy.

Even stranger, there's no one player that the U.S. could use more right now than Rossi. Sure there are more skilled players in the world, but he's got that cold-blooded asshole swagger that does an international footballer well. Celebrating like that right in front of your hometown (metaphorically speaking, of course)? Even Cristiano Ronaldo knows not to get down like that.

Sad to say, but the U.S. needs a jerk like this. Landon pretends to be one every now and then, but deep down all he wants to do is chill out on the couch, watch Golden Girls, and play the hackey sack to Dave Matthews.

Giuseppe Rossi wants to eat babies. And then jump into the waiting arms of Daniele de Rossi.