DEAD SON BIRDS DON'T EXIST....AT LEAST FOR ME

Today a cardinal made me cry. And I need to write about it.  Because, although writing about it won't make me feel better, it might make me feel less worse. And right now, less worse will help.

Of course, it's been so long since I blogged that I'm not sure anyone will read this.  Guess that doesn't really matter. I need to write and FB just didn't seem like the place to do it.  Plus, every once in a while, I miss blogging.  So consider this dipping my baby toe back in the blogging pool. If my toe survives and my heart doesn't explode with painful memories, I just might blog again.  But I might not.  No one, including me, knows.

Regardless of what happens, I'm blogging tonight...so that cardinals might not someday make me cry. 

I recently met a mom whose son ended his life less than a year ago the same way CJ did.  With a gun.  At 20 years old.  Just like CJ.  

This mom asked me, as we hugged and got teary, if it ever gets better.  I INSTANTLY said no.  Without a second of hesitation. Because IT doesn't.  

Six years later and IT is still as awful as the day IT happened. 

I so wanted to tell her that IT does but I would be lying.  And, although I suppose I lie every day by omission when people ask me how I am and I say fine, I don't EVER want to lie about this pain to another mom. 

I briefly considered trying to describe to her what life is like for me all these years later and how messed up my head has been since that day, but I realized that I couldn't possibly describe how my brain now works.  How random everything feels in my head.  How out of control my thoughts and emotions STILL are and how lost I STILL feel.  So I didn't tell her.  Because I couldn't.

But today, one single cardinal gave me the tools necessary to give that mom a SLIGHT understanding of why IT's not better. I'm not remotely suggesting this is how she will end up or that she will EVER feel like this, but I am suggesting that it's possible a cardinal (or another something typically considered to be symbolic of something) COULD make her cry. 

I worked from home today because I was sick.  Decided I would rather be face down in my own toilet than a toilet at work.  

I decided to work outside sitting on my back deck because it was gorgeous and sunny and we haven't seen that much sun in Maine yet this spring.  Thought maybe if I sweat while working out there that I might sweat out the germs. Bonus.

As I worked, a cardinal landed in the grass directly in my line of vision.

And I started crying.

(STEP INSIDE MY HEAD)

Because cardinals are no longer just cardinals since CJ died.  Cardinals are visits by your dead child to let you know they're thinking of you and keeping an eye on you. 

Or they are if you believe in that.  Which I don't. Because I have no faith. And I think dead means dead. Which means this gorgeous bright red cardinal CAN'T be CJ.  But what if I'm wrong and it is and I just can't see it because I don't believe in anything???? 

What if every cardinal I've seen in the last 6 years HAS been CJ and I've been letting him down each and every bird visit? But didn't I let him down when I didn't tell him I love him during our last fight? Or hug him when he needed me most?  Don't I win the WORLD'S WORST MOTHER AWARD because I didn't stop his suicide? 

Aren't birds just birds until someone like a grieving parent makes it something more?  Just like some do with butterflies?  Or dimes?  (did you know lots of not horrible parents believe dimes are left by their deceased loved ones as a "hey I'm thinking of you" gesture?) I must be horrible because dimes to me are just change.  Dirty change that I may or may not pick up.

Why won't this damn bird fly away?  Why is it looking at me?  IS IT LOOKING AT ME? Does it know I KNOW it's only a bird and not my dead son?  Am I really so heartless that I can't just trust that CJ is this bird and that this bird is just CJ? Wouldn't CJ come back (as if he COULD come back but he can't cuz dead means dead) as something more CJish like a monkey?  Or a penguin? But why in the world would a monkey and/or a penguin be in Maine? CJ would have made a cute visiting penguin. Now THAT I might be willing to believe. I miss CJ. And now need a tissue. Who knew crying could make your stomach feel worse?  

2 minutes inside the head of Hallie.

IT might get better for some but IT sure hasn't gotten better for me.

Stupid cardinal.

3 DAYS

Dear PERSON IN CONNECTICUT WHO I DON’T KNOW BUT MY KIDNEY SOON WILL,

3 days from now, you will take ownership of my kidney.

In a mere 63 hours(ish), I will say goodbye to an organ that I’ve given little to no thought to for 43 years.

Seems really odd to say I’ll miss it. Seems more reasonable to say I’ll think of it fondly as it’s apparently done everything I need it to do WITHOUT QUESTION for over 4 decades.

They tell me I have rock star kidneys so I hope (fingers crossed so tightly that I think they might break) it will perform as such for you.

You’re getting the right kidney.  Not sure that matters but thinking its good dinner party trivia in case you’re ever in need of a conversation starter.

I asked it last night, as I lay in bed realizing that this is really, REALLY happening in just a few days, to PLEASE treat you well.  To give you a healthier lifestyle.  To allow you the freedom TO LIVE without worrying about all the health issues I assume you must have.

I’m very familiar with the world of organ donation. I know people aren’t listed to receive an organ unless they're running out of options.  My Dad lives because of someone else’s heart – he would have died without it. Other people live with my beloved son’s organs inside of them.  Two men and one woman eat, sleep, breath, laugh, love, learn and pee because of him.  Having met one of his kidney recipients, I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW how this transplant can completely change your life.

What I hope YOU know is that I am TRULY honored to be your donor.  Doesn’t matter that I don’t know your name, age or gender.  Doesn’t matter that I have no idea what you’ve gone through or what you’re going through or whether you’re a dog person or a cat person. What matters is that I know you NEED it and that I can give it to you. 

I’m not the least bit nervous to have the surgery nor am I nervous to live life with one kidney.  I BELIEVE in organ donation with every fiber of my being.  The decision to give the gift of life is one of the easiest choices I have ever made.

As they put me to sleep on Thursday, I promise to think of you and the other donors and recipients in this chain (6 go into surgery, 3 come out with new kidneys!) and to send you all positive thoughts for a fast and “as pain free as possible” recovery.  I will also think of my amazing son CJ who I miss MORE with each passing day and of my wonderful husband John and my son Connor who have supported me every step of the way.  

There are no guarantees in the world of organ donation, only blind faith that it’s the right thing to do. 

I am CHOOSING to put my faith in my kidney and trusting that it will give you the chance you need.

I believe in IT and I believe in YOU. 

  

THANKS

Dear Donor Family,

Five years ago today, I wrote you A LETTER.

I wrote that letter to say thank you for giving my father the gift of life and to let you know that he was doing well. I ended that letter hoping that, in 5 years time, I would be writing you again.

And I am.

Today.

As we mark the 10th anniversary of the day you gave my father a second chance.

Unbelievable.

But true.

Ten years ago today, my life changed. For the better. In every possible way.

Words still seem like not enough. They really don’t. Yet, I can’t think of a single grand gesture that would.

Ten years later and I still don’t know how to express my thanks for what you did. For the heart wrenching decision your family made. For the unbelievably selfless gift you gave to OUR family as YOUR family was torn apart.

Because of your family, I have been given the gift of time with my father. Because of your family, I have banked 10 extra years of memories, 10 extra years of smiles and 10 extra years of hope. Without your family, I’d have said goodbye to my dad.

You prevented his death. Without a doubt. He was dying….slowly in the beginning, rapidly at the end. We expected the worst but prayed for the best.

The best would be a new heart. Because someone else died. Ten years later and I still struggle with that concept. I DETEST that you had to lose your beloved son in order for my Dad to live yet I’m so thankful that you did. Does that make me a terrible person? Sometimes, I wonder.

I’ve spent so many years worrying about your family…imagining the pain you deal with everyday…wishing I could carry some of that pain for you as you learn to live without your baby…

And now I know.

Because I too, lost my baby. Tragically, horribly, painfully. At almost the same age as your beautiful son.

19 and 20.

How ridiculously sad. How utterly devastating.

So much has changed since I last wrote you.

I would give anything to have my son back.

How ironic that there are now people thankful that my son died in order to save their loved ones just as I was so thankful on that June day, 10 years ago.

I’ve stopped praying since my son died. I’ve even stopped believing in all things that used to bring my comfort. Not on purpose. Just a sad outcome of the worst moment of my life.

I don’t pray but I do think. Every moment of every day.

About you and your son and the promise I made you five years ago.

Your son will NEVER be forgotten. Not for one second. EVER.

The pain I suffer every single day has not diminished the gratitude I feel for you. Not even slightly.
And it never will.

If anything, it’s made me appreciate you even more.

Because I know.

I wish I didn’t, but I do.

My heart may be broken but my Dad’s heart is strong. And healthy. And beating everyday in honor of your son.

You gave my dad life. It’s just that simple.

Indebted to you forever,

April 15th - 3 years - sigh....

 

 

Everything is coming to a head. The third anniversary of CJ's suicide is quickly approaching and I'm slowly and quietly falling apart.  Not said for dramatic effect or to garner sympathy.  Simply stating a fact. I'm a mess. I'm lost. I'm tired. And I'm crying all the time.  This is my life.  Can't believe it.  Still hoping it somehow goes back to what it was.

 

My fundraiser is almost over and the blood drive is almost here.  I've raised over $6500 but would like to raise more.  Last year I collected more than $10,000 and although I know I won't reach that level this year, I'd like to try my hardest until the very last moment.  Many people have told me they plan to donate but haven't done so yet.  I hope they will do so soon. Every penny donated goes directly to the New England Organ Bank. NEOB facilitated my father's heart transplant 10 years ago and oversaw the donation of CJ's organs.  It's an amazing organization, one that works hard to raise awareness about organ donation.  Helping them, helps me.  It's just that basic.

 

You can make a donation of any size for the next 14 days.  The fundraiser officially ends at midnight on April 15th.  For every dollar you donate you receive one virtual raffle ticket towards the six HUGE prize packages. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, April 16th. 

 

DONATE HERE

 

 

Another way you can help me raise money, in lieu of donating directly to the fundraiser, is to bid on this gorgeous Swedish weaving.  It's 4 1/2' x 6' and is woven on monks cloth. It took 3 weeks and over 100 hours to complete. The picture does not do it justice.  I'm not sure there is a price that would actually honor the amount of work my good friend Marissa put into making this stunning piece but that's the nature of an auction. 

 

 The weaving will go to the person with the highest bid. Simply leave a comment below with your bid amount. The bidding currently sits at $50. Whoever wins can make their payment online through my fundraiser site so the amount will be tax deductible. If you want more pictures or more details on the blanket, let me know.  The bidding for this will end at the same time as the fundraiser.

 

Lastly, if you live locally and can spare a few minutes, I'd love for you to sign up to give blood on April 15th.  This is the 3rd blood drive we are holding in memory of our beautiful CJ.  It is being held at Lost Valley Ski Resort in Auburn, ME from 11-4pm.  There are several appt times still available - I'd love to fill them all.

 

Every person that donates blood is entered to win Red Sox tickets from us as well as Red Sox tickets courtesy of the Red Cross.  Donating blood at our event also gets you entered to win all kinds of other prizes like Aquaboggan tickets and gift certificates to local companies.  We would be honored for you to come and take part in our event as it will be a hard day for our whole family.  The blood drive is being held on the actual 3rd anniversary of his death which means April 15th will be bittersweet for all.

 

Your willingness to take part in the blood drive thereby spending a little bit of time with John and me on a day that feels nightmarish, is truly a huge gift. 

 

If you can be there and would like to schedule an appt, please leave me a comment.

I will get back to asap.

 

No matter how you choose to support us (or not) please know I'm honored that you'd even consider it.  More than anything, please, please, please continue to keep my Shmoops in your thoughts and prayers.  The thought of my wonderful son being forgotten is my biggest fear. It keeps me awake at night and slowly eats away at my minimal amount of sanity.

 

Life is beyond hard every second of every day but would be infinitely worse if the memories of my first born son disappeared.

 

Think of him on April 15th as we mark the 3rd year without that smile in our lives. 

 I miss that more than anything else. 

 

Today is my birthday. I don't want anything but your help. 

If you have time and an extra dollar or two laying around, please consider donating to my fundraiser. You get one virtual raffle ticket for every dollar you donate. You decide what prize packages you want your tickets to go towards.  Six prize packs to choose from. All amazing and all worth tons. You even get a receipt for tax purposes. 

Please help me keep my son's memory alive. 

Birthdays are hard for moms when a piece of their heart is missing....especially when that mom blames herself for that loss. 

Please help me use my bday to honor my son. 

No amount is too small. 

CLICK HERE

I Don't But I DO

I don’t know what it’s like to send your child into a building trusting that they will walk out hours later, but I do know what it’s like to watch your child walk out of a house not knowing that he will never walk back in.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a stranger horrifically steal away your loved one but I do know what it’s like to have your loved one horrifically steal away himself.

I don’t know what it’s like to have the world mourn alongside you but I do know what it’s like to feel utterly and absolutely alone as you mourn every second of everyday.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a closetful of Christmas toys anxiously awaiting Santa’s arrival but I do know what it’s like to wake up every Christmas morning lost and broken hearted.

I don’t know what it’s like to explain to an even younger sibling that their big brother or sister has been taken away by a bad man with a gun but I do know what it’s like to tell your innocent teenage son that the big brother he worshipped was his own worst enemy with a gun.

I don’t know what it’s like to lose a 6 or 7 year old but I do know what it’s like to lose a 20 year old.

I don't know what it's like to cherish the "I love you" that you said to your child the last time you saw them but I do know what it's like to hate yourself for saying everything BUT those three little words.

I don't know what it's like to feel like I failed as a mom because I didn't keep my son safe....oh wait, I do.

I don’t know.

BUT I DO.

Today is Connor's birthday.  Shocks me to know that my youngest son is 19 years old.  Cliche, I know, but truly seems like just yesterday he was placed in my arms.  Life has changed so much for us in the past two years.  Nothing is easy and nothing is the same.  Life is harder than I ever thought possible. I constantly worry that Connor doesn't realize how much I love him...how amazing I think he is...how proud I am of how he has dealt with the nightmarish past two years.  

Connor is my source of strength when I don't feel strong.  His loving heart and his ability to sense when I need a hug are gifts I don't take for granted.  He's funny and odd in the best ways and continues to live his life the way he wants to.  He's very much his father's son so he's not a big "share his feelings" kind of guy yet he tells me he loves me both coming and going from the house everyday.  Not sure he knows how much that means to me.  Those words always meant something to me but so much more since CJ left us.  

Thank you Connor for letting me continue to be your mom eventhough legally, you could tell me to go jump in a lake.  :) Your love and goofy smile give me reason to get up each morning. 

Hope you always know how much I love you.

I am honored to call you my son.

Out of sorts and a little sick. Stress has caused my body to revolt.  Sore throat, heavy chest, annoying cough and mild ear ache in both ears.  Apparently my body needs a break. 

We met the man that received CJ's right kidney.  We met his wife. We met two of his five children.  All of them were amazing.  The experience was amazing yet I wanted to vomit through it all.  He looks wonderful.  He IS wonderful.  Such a kind man.  He hugged both John and I.  He cried with us too.  We all cried.  Tears were unavoidable. He lives because my beautiful Shmoops killed himself.  Tears are just part of this horrible journey we never wanted to travel. 

We saw pictures of his beautiful family.  Five children, five grandchildren.  Wonderful photos from a family wedding.  Truly a loving, caring group of people. 

They saw pictures of our Shmoops - pictures from all 20 years of his too short life.  We cried looking at them. They noticed his gorgeous smile.  I miss that more than anything.

Such an emotional meeting. 

Hard to grasp that he carries a part of our son inside. 

Meeting them felt right.  Hard to do.  So bittersweet.  But necessary for all.

He lives 45 miles away.  Surreal.  Part of CJ lives on in Maine.  Unreal.

Can't imagine not having met him.

Hope we get to again.

CJ

You would have been 23 years old today.

It will never be ok.

I'm so sorry for all that I did and all that I didn't do.

You deserved so much more.

Wish it had been me instead of you.

Happy Birthday Shmoops.

I love you.

Since starting therapy, I’m worse than I was. I was bad before. Didn’t know there could be a worse waiting for me. I haven’t talked a lot about what I’m taking part in. Haven’t explained it much. Haven’t shared a whole lot about it. I can’t. It’s too hard. And it’s not something that anyone else in their right mind would want to hear about. It’s not. How would I explain something that makes my brain and my heart and even my skin physically hurt anyway? Keeping it mostly to myself is just part of my daily nightmare. And it will be until the middle of July. July seems so far away. Vomit threatens just thinking about how much longer I have to do this. Not sure if the ever present threat of losing my last meal or the constant pain in my chest is worse. Both are awful.

Just reread what I’ve already written. None of it’s important. None of it’s why I decided to write today. (complicated grief + depression + PTSD = inability to FOCUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Refocusing…. What I wanted to say: I’m sorry. For withdrawing. For not being a good "fill in the blank." For not reaching out. For not returning phone calls. For making many of you feel ignored. For promising I’ll do something than changing my mind or finding an excuse not to. For putting on my FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT face publicly so you all think I’m not doing half bad. Sorry for all that….and more. Apologies won’t make it better and it won’t make those truly annoyed with me really feel any better. It’s just my way of explaining. Boston 1x per week followed by gut wrenching homework to be done every day between sessions. For therapy that might help. But might not. No guarantees. Yet everyone thinks it will. Sigh…. I’m not sitting at home looking for ways to be a shitty "word you inserted above."  I’m really not. Guilt controls my life. Suicide is so destructive.

Love you mom

Tsk Tsk always forgetting to log out of your stuff well you need to know how much I love you and I couldn't ask for a better mother you are what keeps me sane sometimes <3 love your handsome son- Connor L Twomey

If I could stop time I would. The one year anniversary was awful. The 2 year anniversary is looking just as bad. If you would have told me that 2 years after his death I would still feel like a festering open wound, I don’t think I would have believed you. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel utterly raw and truly broken. I actually feel like I’m swimming in acid. Or at least my heart is floating in it. It just hurts that bad. I don’t expect people to believe me. It’s true but not necessarily believable.

I’m not grieving correctly. Or normally. Or the usual way. It’s true. And official. There’s actually a name for what I’m going through. Lucky me. And yes, I’m getting help. In Boston. For the next many, many months. But please don’t focus on that. I just can’t deal with that kind of pressure. Especially if it doesn’t help. It should. It might. It most likely will…at least a little. But it might not. Won’t know until it’s done. All I know now is that the best of the best are trying to help me. And I’m scared. And exhausted. And terrified of what I have to face to get to any level of “better.” But I’m doing it. For as long as I can. In hopes that the hell that I’m living isn’t always this hellish.

Focusing every ounce of the tiny bit of energy I have on the blood drive and the fundraiser. It’s the only thing that keeps me moving right now when all I really want to do is stop. Stop feeling, stop functioning, stop pretending that I’m ok. Stop everything and everyone from moving forward. Stop clocks. Stop time. Stop the calendar. Stop the 2 year anniversary from coming. Two years is too long. Too hard. Too painful. Too sad.

12 more days.

Donate if you haven’t.

Ask those around you to donate too.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/hallie-twomey/hallietwomeysfundraisingpage

Thanks is simply NOT a strong enough word.
 

You hate everything about your birthday. Not because you turn another year older. But because it's another painful reminder of who isn't with you to celebrate.

I can't make it easier for you. My heart breaks more everyday right alongside yours.


All I can do is to let you know that I love you. That you are my everything. That without you by myside, I would not be standing.

You truly are STILL THE ONE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5aMMRes2u4


Happy Birthday Babe. May your day be less awful than every other day.

All my heart always.

Fundraising site set up. Prize packages set.

Nothing left to do but to spread the word. Basically, the hardest part of all.

I've told everyone I know. I have no one left to tell. So frustrating. I have to keep spreading the word. How else will I sell more tickets and raise more money? So frustrating.

Wish there was a magic button on FB and in the blog world that lets you reach everyone, everywhere.

That would be helpful.

People donated such AMAZING raffle items. Just need to tell the world about them.

Or ask you to tell them for me. (well, with me)

And give you something for it.

One free raffle ticket.

Might not seem like much but it only takes one ticket to win.

If you blog about my fundraiser/raffle and post a link to my fundraising site, I will give you one free raffle ticket. If you mention my fundraiser/raffle and post a link on your FB page, I will give you one free raffle ticket. (if we're not friends on FB, send me a friend request- Hallie Twomey)

Simple request but one that could truly help me raise money in honor of my son.

And I need all the help I can get.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/hallie-twomey/hallietwomeysfundraisingpage

Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

If you decide to help, leave me a comment on here letting me know that you did. Don't forget to let me know which prize package you want your ticket to go towards. 16 amazing packages to choose from.

Every single dollar helps me help the New England Organ Bank. Every single donation helps keep my son's memory alive.

No donation is too small.

PRIZE LIST

Prize list for my fundraiser/raffle. Prizes total OVER $9300.00!!!! Raffle tickets are ONLY $1.00! Go to my fundraising site and buy, buy, buy!!

#1 - $640 TOTAL VALUE*One hour photo shoot in Boston and 11x14 print from Amy Kelly Photography $250 http://www.amykellyphotography.com/, Haircut and Full Foil @ Bangs of Boston $190 http://www.bangsofboston.com/, Lia Sophia jewelry $200 http://www.liasophia.com/dlafean

 

#2 - $740 TOTAL VALUE32” Phillips Flat Screen TV $340 local pick up only - Auburn, ME or Haverhill, MA (donated by Tim Grover), Handmade afghan $n/a (donated by Sondra Barch), Artwork “Brown & Red” Acrylic 20”x18” $400 (donated by artist Matthew Peinado)

#3 - $527.99 TOTAL VALUEKeurig B70 Platinum coffee maker $189.99 http://www.keurig.com/ (donated by Katy Hughes), Twenty homemade greeting cards $40 (donated by Mary Ellen Cafiso), Jewelry by Nina Devine $48 www.etsy.com/shop/featherandearth, Home Depot gift card $100 (donated by Anne Gordon), Barnes & Noble gift card $25 (donated by Alice Bagley), American Express gift card $25 (donated by Dottie Williams), Vera Bradley Purse & Wallet $60 http://www.northcountrycottage.com/, 5x7 Original Watercolor $40 http://www.kelliesartblog.blogspot.com/

#4 - $503.99 TOTAL VALUE4 day vacation at GOTTA HAVE FAITH cabin in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee $463.99 To be used by 12/31/12 but can push into 2013 if necessary http://www.homeaway.com/ (Listing #297026) (donated by Kim and Britt Spera), Heartshop Jewelry $40 www.etsy.com/shop/TheHeartShop, Artwork handpainted by Debra Estep (donated by Deb Estep)

#5 - $1075.00 TOTAL VALUEFour VIP tickets to Central Park Opera in New York City - $1000. Two shows – Tosca and Madame Butterfly – winner gets two tickets to each summertime show - VIP section includes lunch and wine bar - seats are center orchestra. Fully staged operas – 40,000 people in attendance. Led by Maestro La Selva. http://www.newyorkgrandopera.org/ (donated by Lucia Palmieri), Jewelry by Helen Gardner $75

#6 - $553.00 TOTAL VALUE2 lift tickets to Sugarloaf Ski Resort $158 http://www.sugarloaf.com/, Handmade afghan $n/a (donated by Steph Delger), Box of Hand Cut Perfectly Aged USDA Choice NY Strip Steaks from Dole & Bailey $250 shipped to winner http://www.doleandbailey.com(donated/ by Ed Brylczyk), Learn 2 Skate @ Rye Airfield $50 http://www.ryeairfield.com/ , Aquaboggan Passes $80 http://www.aquabogganwaterpark.com/, Subway gift card $15 (donated by Amanda Polito)

#7 - $625.95 TOTAL VALUEAutographed Tim Sample DVD $24.95 http://www.timsample.com/, Autographed hat worn by Patrick Dempsey (donated by A. Currier), 4 Tickets to Bob Marley’s December Holiday show @ Merrill Auditorium, multiple cd’s and dvd’s, Upta Camp gear $500 http://www.bmarley.com/, Autographed copy of Making Waves: The Story of Maine’s Bob Crowley – competed on Survivor $71 (donated by A. Currier), Jeff Gordon and Jimmy Johnson candle/coaster gift pack $30 http://www.villagecandle.com/

#8 - $524.95 TOTAL VALUELuxury 1 bedroom king suite weekend night voucher @ Staybridge Suites in Chantilly, VA – 20 minutes outside of Washington, DC – 5 minutes from Dulles Airport – 5 minutes from Udvar-Hazy National Air and Space Museum approx. $119 http://www.staybridgechantilly.com/, (donated by Ann Marie Charland), VISA gift card $75 (donated by Kim and Tammy), Jewelry from Lori Nusbaum $180, Yo-Yo table runner (donated by Marissa and Susan), Arbonne products $90 (donated by Laura Charloff), Autographed Tim Sample DVD $24.95, Custom throw pillow $36 www.etsy.com/shop/OliveHandmade

#9 - $492.85 TOTAL VALUEThree month membership in the Chocolate of the month club $92.85 http://www.amazingclubs.com/ (donated by Kimmy Marcotte), VISA gift card $75 (donated by Kim and Tammy), Restaurant.com gift card $50 http://www.restaurant.com/ (donated by Steph Melillo), Arbonne gift card $100 http://www.gduncan.myarbonne.com/, Amazon.com gift card $50 (donated by Mary Genereux), Target gift card $25 (donated by Maria Capamaccio), Jewelry from Vickie Lajoie $75 www.etsy.com/shop/TreasuresOfEarth, Home Depot gift card $25 (donated by Gayle Nigro)

#10 - $616.00 TOTAL VALUETwo rounds of golf @ Foxridge Golf Club $44 http://www.foxridgegolfclub.com/, One round of golf@ Dunegrass $33 http://www.dunegrass.com/, Adidas Sunglasses $191(donated by Dr. Doug Henry), Custom Shirt gift card @ J. Hilburn $100 http://www.jenniferhardock.jhilburn.com/, Starbucks gift card $50 (donated by Steph Munch), Lost Valley Family pack of 4 lift tickets $180 http://www.lostvalleyski.com/, 2 Sea Dogs tickets – 5/20/2012 $18 (donated by Bonnie & Jed Troubh)

#11 - $627.65 TOTAL VALUEThree month membership Martial Arts Program $207 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Pats Pizza gift card $40, JEM Motorsports gift card (S. Paris, Me.) & Kawasaki sweatshirt $109.95 http://www.jemmotorsports.com/, Flagship Cinema gift card $25 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Haircut @ Gregory’s, Auburn, ME $29, Framed Photo $40 sandymue@aol.com (donated by Susan Orr), ½ hr Massage @ Serenity Bodywork Studio $30 (donated by Ashley Lessard), Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, Five classes @ Chill Yoga $60 http://www.chillyoga.net/, (donated by Nerys Bayley), Sam’s Italian gift card $61.70, http://www.samsitalian.com/

#12 - $605.00 TOTAL VALUEOne year membership Filipino Stick and Knife Arts Program $300 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, ½ hr massage @ Serenity Bodywork Studio $30 (donated by Ashley Lessard), Dimillos On The Water gift card $50 www.dimillos.com/restaurant, Flagship Cinema gift card $25 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Reny’s gift card $25 http://www.renys.com/, Basket of Ella’s Chocolate’s http://www.ellaschocolates.com/, Nantucket Basket with paperwhites $44 (donated by Jerri Twomey), Roger’s Haircutter’s gift card & product - Auburn, Me. $30, Two tickets to LA Community Little Theatre $36 http://www.laclt.com/, Jewelry by Danielle Green $40

 

#13 - $693.50 TOTAL VALUESix month membership Youth Fitness Program $210 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, YWCA 6 week swim lessons $60 http://www.ywcamaine.org/, Sweetwater Day Spa gift card $25 http://www.sweetwaterdayspa.com/, Bracelet from Silvermade Studio $28.50www.etsy.com/shop/SilverMadeStudio, Davinci’s Eatery gift card $25 http://www.davinciseatery.com/, Spring/Gardening Basket of Goodies $50 http://www.perfectbasketofmaine.com/, Jewelry & Cards from Pam Bumbaca $30(donated by Pam Bumbaca), Four movie passes to Flagship Cinema $30 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Handmade Toddler Sweater $35 (donated by Heidi Hinckley), Custom built pine container - 3' tall - will be personalized for winner $175 (donated by Romeo Hines)

#14 - $518.75 TOTAL VALUEFour tickets to Comedy Connection $60 http://www.mainecomedy.com/, Pampered Chef items $40.50 www.pamperedchef.biz/pegbauer, Private tour/tasting for 10 people @ Baxter Brewing Co. $200 http://www.baxterbrewing.com/, Four Portland Sea Dogs box seat tickets - not available to public 6/28/12 @ 7pm $36 (donated by Baxter Brewing Co.), Homemade Salsa & afghan $n/a (donated by Mary Anne Brissette), Foreside Tavern gift card $25 http://www.theforesidetavern.com/, Silly’s Restaurant gift card $20 http://www.sillys.com/, 1 month family membership to YMCA $54.50 (donated by YMCA), Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, Just Kim purse $57.75 h http://www.justkimaccessories.com/

 

#15 - $545 TOTAL VALUE2 hr sail aboard the Schooner Surprise on Penobscot Bay & Print $70 http://www.camdenmainesailing.com/, Sea Dogs Brewing Co. gift card $25 http://www.seadogbrewing.com/, Coastal Maine Popcorn gift card $25 http://www.coastalmainepopcorn.com/, Huge assortment of Scrapbooking supplies $300 (donated by Cindi Lucas), Mary Kay Basket of goodies $125 (donated by Susan Torney), Handpainted artwork by Debra Estep (donated by Deb Estep)

#16 - $100+ TOTAL VALUE (tix value not yet known)2 tickets to 2012 Red Sox game @ Fenway Park (value not yet known) June 5, 2012 vs. the Baltimore Orioles (donated by Northeast Security), Autographed Curt Shilling baseball – signed at Spring training 2004 $100 (donated by Cindy Morrison)

BUY RAFFLE TICKETS HERE!!!!!!!!

Four simple requests:


*If you have an item you'd like to contribute to the raffle (for those that have asked, gift cards are the easiest thing to contribute but almost anything is fair game), please email me (fenwaydog@roadrunner.com) and let me know. Thank you to those that have already sent me an item and to those that said you will do so. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Keep them coming!

*If you haven't yet, please head over to my fundraising site and buy raffle chances. (Already over $1400.00 raised) The prize list keeps growing: 32" flat screen TV, gift cards, tickets to sporting events, high end Keurig coffee maker, jewelry, VIP tickets to the Central Park Opera, 4 day vacation in a grogeous log cabin, autographed sports memorabilia, massages, private brewery tour/tasting, Vera Bradley items, ski resort lift tickets and more) There's something for everyone.


*If you live anywhere near Auburn, ME, please sign up to donate blood at our blood drive on April 16th from 11-4pm. PLEASE???? If you are physically able to donate, why wouldn't you? You won't have to wait around because I will schedule you into a time slot, you will get coupons for free stuff just for showing up and you will be helping us honor the memory of our son. Please email me (fenwaydog@roadrunner.com)
for an appointment. I have a lot of appts available.

*Share this info with everyone you know. Word of mouth truly does make a difference.

THANK YOU.

April 15th marks the 2 year anniversary of CJ’s death.

Can’t believe that it’s been almost 2 years.

Unreal and impossible.

How has it been that long since that gorgeous smile left my world? How can it be so many months ago when it feels like it happened just yesterday?

People say that time heals all wounds but 2 years isn’t enough time when your son took his own life. Not sure 20 years will be enough time to dull that pain.

Trying to keep busy to ward off the tears that threaten constantly. Staying busy doesn’t necessarily stop the tears, it just lessens them some days.

Gearing up for the second Blood Drive we are hosting in memory of our beloved Shmoops. It will again be held on April 16th, the day after the 2 year anniversary. Lost Valley Ski Resort has once again graciously donated their lodge as the drive site. The blood drive will be held from 11-4pm.

I will start registering people to donate blood asap. Need to sign up approximately 120 people to reach my target goal of units collected so if you’re local, know that I’m going to ask you to give. I want to surpass the units collected last year. Won’t bring CJ back but it will help make a difference in the lives of others. I am hard on myself and I do get sad when I don’t accomplish what I’ve set out to do. Add to that the fact that I am doing this as a way to keep my son’s memory alive and you get one terribly depressed mom if her goal isn’t met. May not make sense but not much does in my world since CJ chose to leave it.

**Regardless of what the Red Cross promotion is in the month of April for those that donate blood, (last year it was a 6" Subway coupon for all who donated) you will also get a BUY ONE TICKET, GET ONE TICKET FREE coupon to Flagship Cinemas. AND....a coupon for $1 off popcorn. AND....a free raffle ticket (read more about that below) THANK YOU SO MUCH TO CRAIG GODDARD for getting Flagship to agree to such a great deal!

In addition to the blood drive (because I can’t sit still and don’t seem to know how to do anything small), I am holding a massive fundraiser/raffle to benefit the New England Organ Bank. Raising awareness about organ donation is something I’ve been passionate about most of my life. Organ donation is what allows my Dad to exist. Without the generosity of another family, he wouldn’t be here.

We donated CJ’s organs at the time of his death. The decision to give others a chance at life was easy….saying goodbye to our beautiful son was not. The New England Organ Bank was involved with us from the very beginning. They helped make the single worst moment of our lives a little easier. CJ’s liver, his left kidney and both his lungs are thriving in people as I type. Sadly, the recipient of his heart and his right kidney did not survive…but CJ’s organs gave them a chance.

I hope to raise as much money as I possibly can for the New England Organ Bank. It is through their efforts that people become more aware of the importance of becoming an organ donor. Education is key. People need to know that being an organ donor is the single greatest gift you can ever give.

In the next few weeks, I will be posting tons of information regarding the raffle. Tickets can be purchased online or in person and will be sold now through April 16th. We will draw the winners at the end of the Blood Drive. (you don’t need to be present to win)

I have been BLOWN AWAY by the items I have received so far and continue to ask everyone I can think of to donate an item for the raffle. One week in to my “PLEASE DONATE SOMETHING FOR MY RAFFLE AND YOUR GENEROSITY WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN” period and I already have tickets to sporting events, ski lift tickets, jewelry, a 4 night stay in a GORGEOUS cabin, lots of chocolate, VIP tickets to the Central Park Opera, a 32” flat screen TV, $180 worth of steaks and more.

Once all items have been accounted for, I will split the items into RAFFLE PACKAGES. For each dollar that you donate either online (DONATE) or in person, you will receive one raffle chance. You can then choose exactly which RAFFLE PACKAGES you want your tickets to be entered into. If you want them all to go to one prize package, great. If you want them split up amongst five or six prize packages, so be it. Or, if it doesn’t matter, I will randomly disperse them amongst the drawings.

I will post pictures and a full description of each prize package here on my blog, on Facebook and on the website (DONATE) where you can pledge money.

The next few weeks will find me obsessively organizing all the details for both the blood drive and the fundraiser. (BUSY IS GOOD)

If I haven’t already asked and you have something you’d like to donate for the raffle, I’d love to hear from you. Tickets to an event (anything after April 16th), artwork, jewelry, gift cards in any amount, food items, craft items, handmade items, etc. Basically, anything you can think of. And if you donate a raffle item, you get a free ticket for the raffle.

Thanks in advance for helping me, help others.

I can never bring my son back (God knows I would give up my own life to do so) but I can make a difference in the lives of others.

Right now, that’s about all I have left.

****Even though the PRIZE PACKAGES are not yet listed, you can still be one of the first to DONATE online. I will contact you directly when I add the prize list so you can tell me exactly how you want your raffle tickets divided up. The prize packages will all be amazing. The $$$ amount of the items I already have are HUGE!!

****ANGEL BOBBIE IS THE LUCKY RECIPIENT OF THE SCRAPBOOKING SOFTWARE. Bobbie, sent you an email. Hope it got to you. If you don't get it, please email me at fenwaydog@roadrunner.com

After CJ died, I was encouraged to make a scrapbook as a way to preserve his photos.

So I did.

It wasn't easy and it's not that good, but I did it.

And now I have it forever.

Connor saw CJ's completed book and asked for his own.

So I did that too.

And now he has it forever.

Not sure his is the greatest either but it's complete and was done out of love.

While working to finish Connor's book, I mentioned to John how much easier this would have been had I made the scrapbook using software. I have so many pics that are only digital - it just seemed like digital scrapbooking software would be an easier way to go.

But I wasn't really planning on pursuing it.

Until now.

Out of the blue, I was contacted by Liz @ MyMemories.com and asked if I would like to receive a free copy of their My Memories Suite Version 3 software program to use and review. She also offered to give me a second copy to give away to one of my blog readers.

***Let me jump in and say that getting offered to review products is not unusual in the blogging world. I have been asked before and generally turned down most items as it's just not been my thing. Since CJ's death, I have absolutely refused any/all offers. Just haven't been blogging much and don't really care so much about the same things I cared about before. But with this product, I decided to go ahead and try it. I couldn't turn down an opportunity to preserve CJ's photos. Those photos are all I have left of my beloved son. I would do anything to keep them safe and accessible forever. Getting an extra copy to give away is just an added bonus. I would have taken Liz's offer even without the extra copy.

Liz also gave me a Share the Memories code that provides a $10 discount off the purchase price of the My Memories Suite Version 3 program as well as a $10 coupon for use in the MyMemories.com store.

If you don't win the free copy, you can use the code below to get the discounted price and coupon.

STMMMS53538

You can use the above code to purchase your own copy HERE.

Been playing around with the program tonight and can already see why people like it. It's pretty easy to use although I'm still learning all it has to offer. I think I'd have a much easier time using it if I wasn't crying as I create. Looking at his smiling face over and over, makes my heart physically ache. The tears are inevitable. Have had to stop many times but managed to get a test album started. Would happily share it with you but can not figure out how to link it on here. Will keep trying.

If you'd like to enter to win your own copy of the My Memories Suite Version 3 digital scrapbooking program, click HERE and take a look around. Liz asked that those interested in winning, take a peak at her website.

Once you've had a chance to look around, come back over here and leave a comment - let me know that you saw the site and that you'd like to enter to win the software.

It's that simple....which is a good thing. If it were anymore complicated than that, I wouldn't go through with this. Truly too sad to deal with anything difficult.

I'll pick a random winner on Friday. Actually, will make John do it. Will just tell him to pick a number between 1 and whatever the total number of entries is and that will be the one.

Not sure if anyone reads my blog anymore. It's been nothing but depressing for so long - wouldn't blame people for jumping ship. Guess if very few people read/enter, the odds for those that do will be better.

Thanks to Liz for contacting me.

You've given me a way to cherish CJ's memory.

Such a priceless gift.