emotionally unstable

today's been a crappy day. first the fucking physical fitness testing. GAY. i haven't had PE in over a semester, and they fucking want to see how physically fit i am? retards. i missed lunch because of that. and then computer science meeting after school. heh, we're going to die at codewars. except maybe albert's team. fucking awkward genius. then after school. parents. and rice summer school. nothing seems to go my way. then i just start to cry. for something so stupid. and did i mention supernatural wasn't on? gay reaper. and i feel so frustrated. and then there's the stupid biology test tomorrow. which she didn't give us answers to. which means i actually have to put forth effort in that blow off class. which is a pain. and i have a headache on top of that too. fuck. i just want to strangle something right now. or cut open my skin. damn it. and tomorrow, i have to tell jaibel and rearrange plans. i hate doing that. why can't they just butt out? i already took care of everything. and they just have to be fucking paranoid that i'm going to get kidnapped or something. and they dare tell me i have to try to see the good in people? FUCKING HYPOCRITES. and damn it.

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

i love you oscar wilde.

Tired

i don't know what to do anymore
work's building up, but i just don't wanna face it
i constantly find myself wandering off to other things
and just half-assing homework and whatnot
it's working so far
but
it won't work for long...
i just...
i'm just tired of it all, you know?
what's the point?
i can't feel anything anymore
nothing interests me, and i feel completely apathetic at times
and then at other times, when i want to feel apatehtic, i can't
i keep wanting to cry for no reason at all
or for the smallest, stupidest reasons
and then i feel like....
doing something to get rid of all this stress/anger/annoyance/restlessness
but i can't
because i'm not strong enough and i'll hurt myself
and that's just a headache waiting to happen
and.. and..
i just want to be able to do something i enjoy
without other people commenting about it
and making me feel bad
it's not fair
and damn it, i feel like crying again
i'm just tired of this relentless, neverending cycle
and i so desperately want to tell someone, but they won't care
they'll try to cheer me up
and that's the last thing i want right now
i just want to be able to get through this
and get a heart
whatever the hell that is.
i can't even remember what it feels like to be in love with doing something that you enjoy
i seem to just.. don't care about anything anymore
and i would take a razor and cut
but i'm too much of a coward to do so
but damn it.
this needs to come out
and this blog isn't enough.
and i'm...
i..
i don't know what to do anymore.

Valentine's Day

A romantic day.

Supposedly.

But I fail to see any romance.
Romance does not equate to love.
Romance is not love.

Romance is fantasy.

I want something romantic.
I want someone to sweep me away.
I want someone creative.
I want someone imaginative.
I want someone to surprise me.
And turn my reality into bliss.

I don't want roses on this day.

I want something more.
A fairytale setting.
An adventure.
Ecstacy and pleasure and adrenaline.
Blood rushing and imagination overflowing.

Not some stupid store-bought gifts.

Not some teddy bear.
Not flowers that will wilt and die.
Not chocolate in organ shaped plastic boxes.
Not cards filled with false promises that won't last.
Not anything artificial.

I want.

I crave.
A dream come true.
A journey filled with enchantment.
A wish granted.

Valentine's Day is supposed to be romantic.

I want romance.

Useless

but i don't care.
so what if it's deemed useless by the rest of the world?
i'm tired of praticality.
i want something useless.
something beautiful.
something artful.
and so what if i'll get no where with it?
like i'm even moving forward with all these things i do
that supposedly are good for me
and will pay off in the future.
true, pure romance is dead.
and i can't stop crying over it.
and it's such a shame no one else cares.
beauty is useless.
art is useless.
music, literature, humanities--
useless.
and no one will care if they just die off.
aren't they tired of all the crap that fills the screens nowadays?
i want something romantic.
truly romantic.
a romantic fantasy that will erase
all evidence this dreadful world i live in
ever existed.
and i wish for something romantic.

No me importa ya.

I just don t care anymore.
I hate the expectations you throw at me.
You can t fulfill mine, why should I even try to fulfill yours?
It s not fair, damn it.
You ve taken everything from me.
EVERYTHING.
With your stupid closed minded ness.
And your biased opinions.
You say I never open up to you and share.
But that s only because you twist everything I say to make me look bad.
To make me look wrong.
When it s a matter of interest and opinion.
Where I CAN T be wrong.
But that doesn t matter does it?
Well, you know what?
I give up then.
Go find someone else to live your life through.
And sometimes, I wish that you would just finish your fucking job of killing me.
You ve denied me everything that I ve loved.
Why don't you just spare me the misery of living without a heart.
And kill me physically too?

What do you want?

you tell me i'm fat.
and yet, everytime dinner comes around
you're always trying to shove food down my throat.
i'm not hungry.
i've lost all appetite.
why can't you just accept that?
and i'm tired.
tired of living up to your damn expectations that are fucking impossible to accomplish.
and you don't even care.
so why the hell should i?
you don't believe in me.
you never fucking have.
you only expect it.
and i just can't take it anymore.
i swear.
once i leave.
i am never coming back.