Dear General Lee,

This has been quite a year for me. A lot of changes. One of the changes began two Decembers ago when I spotted our house. We bought this beautiful, quirky place..and on more land than we've ever owned. There are 11 juniper trees, 7 fruit trees, a basement, an upstairs with loft, a gorgeous attic filled with bookshelves, and views of the gorgeous mountains in west Kanab. The house was meant to be ours. I knew it from the moment I drove by.  I felt like my mom was guiding me.  And for sure, there were signs....like the 9 doves that were walking around the front yard and perched in the cottonwood tree. I drove by everyday (or close to it) for 3 months before it was ours. Wishing it into being. Hoping that I had enough faith to make it happen. And as the Spring moved into Summer, first the irises bloomed along the wooden fence, and then the tall bunch of sunflowers (mama's favorites) on the whole north side of the property. 
The 2nd day after we moved in, I was going through a box and found a birthday card my mom had given me 9 years ago. She had driven down to Tucson (where we lived at the time) with my sister and nieces to spend the day.
When I opened the card, this is what I read:

"I'm always thinking of you with lots of love.  Have a great day.  I'm here!"

A lump immediately lodged in my throat. 

Mom, thank you for being here, even when you're not.
I'm home. 

Heaven is Here

Stephanie Nielson came to my sweet little town last Saturday.  Can you  believe it?!  It was just over 5 years ago, I was staying up til 2 in the morning reading her blog and following her journey after her plane accident.  She inspired me then.  And she inspires me now.  What stayed with me most in her talk at the Women's Forum was when she was in the hospital, unable to move on her own.... she just wanted to do the daily, mundane, and even irritating things of her normal life...like pick up the dirty diapers that the dog had strewn all over the back yard.  She wished for this.

Reminds me that my life is beautiful. 
Every tiny, simple, little thing in my life. 
Beautiful. 
And I would miss it if I couldn't participate. 
Thank you Stephanie, for being an inspiration.

(she inspires me to blog too)

Take me Places

Thinking about my world and how life surprises us.  How it takes you places you never thought you'd be.  In your heart and also in your steps.

I never thought I'd end up where I am.  I hoped for things and dreamed, but when they actually transpired, it was like another day.  Slowly life shifts to center you where you are and then it's the normal.

I desire more.

I woke up today feeling sad and wanting.

I woke up feeling wants.  I want to be a good librarian.  I want to blog.  I want to be happy.  I want to have lots of energy and do art.  I want to write and to laugh everyday.  Everyday.  I want to be inspired to give the world the best of me.   The best of something only I can give.  I want to cry and scream and dance.  I want to jump and crash down into myself and let go of all the pain and hurt of the past.  I want to love my life and my people with all the abandon I have.  Be a tender source they are drawn to.

It's time.

Time to be somebody.

Again.

Time to choose to be somebody I wasn't yesterday.

Life is full of surprises isn't it?  I am my biggest surprise.

Return

So, I am going to start blogging again.  It's been awhile and the missing has started.  The missing of connecting to this blog space I created and loved into being.  I'm back with a vengeance.  Watch out..here I am!

Synchronicity

(Buddha holding heart rocks at my dear friends', Megan and Latimer's house)

I go in and out of spirituality. 

Ebb and flow. 

I feel very in tune to nature when I focus and just be.  But other times I am just on automatic pilot. 

Most times. 

I miss that all-encompassing feeling of really believing that there is someone listening and really guiding me.  I sense it, but there is still just that "truckin along" feeling...
you know...
.just meandering about, living life, doing the duties. 

I don't crave religion. 

I crave connection. 

I crave inner-peace and knowing intuitively. 

Life is just a basket of to and fro. 

 But occasionally it holds little gems for me...

little synchronicities. 

And that is what I hold dear.

On the River Boat

A few days this summer...
Spent....
@ Lee's Ferry in Marble Canyon.

A Dreamy Scenario

What I would really love is to be reading a book,

on a vintage homemade blanket,

in a flowery meadow, 

amongst the english countryside. 

And eating some sort of potato/onion pastry.

Sand on my Flip Flops

reading,

heading out of Zion,

after a fun-filled day playing in the Virgin River

and eating delicious food.

ahhh..my summer days.

-j

Upward in a Gentle Breeze

I am really cherishing this beautiful book by writer, photographer, real-life liver, and blogger..Susannah Conway:

She says things that speak to my heart. 

Such as..

"We write to feel less alone, to confide our fears to the page.  Imagine a world without love letters, without birthday cards and dedications.  Our truthfulness can change a life-if not someone else's then at least our own.  In a world swirling with thousands of languages, there is space for everybody to tell their story.  Photographs, paintings, and music carry the essence of our hearts, but it's the words that tell the secrets." 

And stuff like this..

"For me, solitude is not an empty space, but a richly detailed tapestry of my interests, thoughts, and desires.  When I am alone I am free to dance inside the textures of my dreams without the pull to be elsewhere, the constant nagging feeling that I should be doing something else."

Reading this book right now is perfect.  I seem to have an underlying creative source nibbling at my insides, (writing, bookmarks, photography, envelopes, collage) and when I ignore it with activities and doings and chores, I lose out on the "voice".  This is why my solitude means so much to me.  I center my being when I am still.  I focus on the source that threatens to erupt with huge force.  When I do this.. it doesn't erupt.  It is allowed to breathe upward slowly in a gentle breeze. (cheesy?) Oh well.  Maybe I'm getting carried away with all this inspiration!  But....

I LOVE IT!

Monday blessings to you.

-j

Questions for Myself

When do you think you are most authentic?
When I stop to listen to and pay attenion to the stillness around me.  When I don't let my mind overtake me and tell me what I should or should not do.  When the quiet of my soul embraces the chaos of all commotion around me; then calms it down.  Soul embrace.

When do you feel the most genuine?
When I speak my truthes.  When I'm not afraid of different... of what I think is expected.

These answers came to me quickly.   Without me thinking what I was going to say..what I would write.  What would your answers be?  In a moment and without hesitation, write the first thing that comes to mind.

Happy Friday everybody!  Today is my baby's 5th birthday and I am celebrating her and all the beginnings of girlhood. 

Oh Wednesday My Wednesday

In the order it was received:

Bleeding = Breathing

"Write hard and clear about what hurts"

~ Ernest Hemingway

(image gotten over at kind over matter)

 

Just write...

The raw.  Then you will get to the real.

Writing has always been my meditation, my exercise, my yoga. 

I am doing more of it lately. 

I journal. 

And doing so helps me breathe.   

an excerpt:

Wed. May 16th, 2012

     My little life in Kanab.  It's small.  It's mine.  I don't know where else to be.  There's nowhere but in my skin I need to feel safe and belonging.  In my skin is what I need to keep getting to know and be content with.  I am not alone, but I am alone.  I love my solitudes.  I love my journey.

     Contentedness..I want to feel more and more.

     Children.  Husband.  Tasks.  Joy.  Mundane.  Balance in everything.

.......The little Robin red-breast hasn't had her babies yet.  She sits on her nest everyday..flying away about twice a day.  I want to see her eggs but am afraid she will see me trying to get a look when she is gone.  And then not come back, or get frantically worried about her unborn's safety.

     Day to day to day to day.  Life is everyday day to day.  Today's.

     Why do some people have to search for reasons for things?  Why do others just stay content?  Maybe most aren't content.  And they just go along to go along.

Today:

-Feel weird because both my boys went away to wrestling camp 2 1/2 hours away..for 4 days.

-Think of Corey and miss him as he is in Zion canyoneering with old friends from Tucson.

-Go to the grocery store with Cedar to get some banana chips, because she said last night: "Please please please can we get some banana chips tomorrow.  Here...pinky promise." (i pinky promised)

-Have a bad hair day. (I already know it's so)

-Order bday presents online. (Cedar is 5 on Friday..Lucas is 13 on Sunday)

-Go to the library with Cedar. (get our standard 10 kids books which we will read within 2 days)

-Do the boys' chores. (Water and feed the chickens, retrieve the eggs laid.  Water and feed the dogs. Feed Nenko the lizard a dandelion flower or 2)

-Write. (what hurts..hard and clear.  and maybe bleed a little too)

Perfume of Fermenting Joy

I love this bit from a poem:

When she walks into the room,
everybody turns
Some kind of light is coming from her head.
Even the geraniums look curious…
We’re all attracted to the perfume
of fermenting joy.
We’ve all tried to start a fire,
and one day maybe it will blaze up on its own.
In the meantime, she is the one today among us
most able to bear the idea of her own beauty,
and when we see it, what we do is natural:
we take our burned hands
out of our pockets,
and clap.
-Tony Hoagland, from ‘Grammar’

Bleeding Heart

Many a Flower Aboundeth

Just a peek at things before setting roots in the ground. 

All weekend was spent creating my space. 
I have since dug holes and set these flowers in soil. 
Many worms were beheld! 
I know things will come together even more as the plants start taking hold in the dirt. 
In the meantime...
you can catch me...
surveying the grounds...
every morning
at 8am...
watching things grow and bloom.

She Loves the Neighboring Basset's