The Silence.

I like it, the silence.
The listening, gathering of the senses.
A quiet heart.

Maybe the tinkling sound of flowing water,
sometimes Nature plays the most soul-stirring melodies.
The Lord shows me the garden He has tended,
though usually left alone, nevertheless He welcomes me so eagerly when I remember to visit.

The garden of my soul, You know it better than I do. See over there the budded flowers, over here a refreshing spring. And here a little pond, You point it all out with affection, with tenderness. What loveliness You see, what care you have taken.  Though I have let the weeds over run. So I have neglected this garden, so I have let money lenders and merchants possession of my heart.

When thorns take root, right in my very soul, of course it hurts to pull them out. So very much a part of me, I explained.

You will chase them out, this garden is too precious in Your eyes. How incomparable its beauty, because every part of Creation bears a little of Your Mark, Your beauty, but none so much as the human soul -- made in Your Image.

I am sorry to have forgotten to visit, sometimes I fear so much to. The solitude can be deafening, the beating of my heart like war drums. The battle wages on and I do not which side I am even on.

But I remember now, who beckons in the Silence. It was never solitude, only solicitude. Yours, ever-mindful, so afraid to hurt even a fragile reed. You will not crush, but Yourself you will. As grapes in the crushers, Yours for all, for me. My garden was watered with your very life. So I remember, so I stand shame-faced, but You were sent to heal the contrite of heart. I always expect chastisement, yet the blows I expect are gentle touches, a motherly breeze.

And turning my sorrow into song, you hide bouquets in every corner, just waiting for me to find them and finally realise Your Everlasting Love.

Ok what exactly is going on here?

I'm currently in the midst of actively disciplining myself, organising my life, and leaving things at the bottom of the Mountain I am about to climb.

In terms of theology, this could be termed as Active purgation - simplified - it means whatever I have said above. Hahahah.

I haven't really said what truly converted me. I wasn't fully believing, even when I got baptised. My head chose the religion, but my heart, my spirit did not actually feel convinced. Until one day, a very trying day, my soul cried out from its very depths to this unknown, unseen, untouchable God for help. And then...something happened. I don't know what it is, perhaps it's what Christians call the personal experience of God? It was beyond the normal realm of experience...I've never really told anyone this before.

Let's just say, it was as if this light struck me, illuminating everything, as if I had stepped into some cosmic reality. Understanding flooded my soul, without even me needing to go through the process of understanding. I didn't know it then, but spiritual theology wise, it could classify as the Illumination of the Mind - suddenly, God allowed you to see things as He sees them.

I became so aware then, of the presence of God, of a spiritual reality that exists, of the Truths that exist in the world. I am convinced that if God allows anyone to experience this, the person will immediately know and say "There is a God!" Not only that, but to live this life with a keen sense of the extraordinary things that are happening.

Honestly, I have forgotten most of the things that I implicitly understood during the experience. I don't even have words to describe that experience and that knowledge. Human understanding being so limited, I immediately forgot whatever I have learnt. I'm going to say it has something to do with Buddhism also. Because at the moment, I was asking God about Buddhism, how it makes sense, and why is it not true. He answered it so wonderfully. Maybe I can try, it was as if I saw the symbolism of Buddhism -- as a square? Being in it meant you could understand things within its limits, however Catholicism was like the all-encompassing and infinite circle that this square remains within, and is unable to touch with its corners. Ok nevermind, I kinda suck at the explanation.

Another thing I vividly remembered was the sensation of chains and being freed from them. It was so tangible, the way I felt them fell off. I understood attachments, and sins as these chains that bind us. Living free from sin and addictions/dependence on attachments was the freedom that God wants to give us. That's the purpose of religion - its strictures are meant to help us achieve the liberty of spirit.

It was quite an overwhelming experience -- definitely not something my mind could conjure up. I was not on drugs, I was not exhausted, deprive of sleep/nutrients, I was just so...anguished. In that moment, it was as if heaven opened up and I was filled with unimaginable joy, I could only fall on my knees, tears streaming down my face and thanking God for even all those trials that had come my way.

Yah, you can see why I don't really talk about this. So embarrassing and difficult to explain. Very unbelievable also.

Anyways, I have never felt this experience again.

So my point is, there is not turning back, once you've experienced this. The only way I can go, is to grow. And growing means giving up the things of youth - the toys I am attached to, the security blankets I need to carry around.

Without even noticing, I have restricted my diet, and organised my budget and expenses, involvement in social media, and...even my relationships.  I thought I am in control, and doing the deciding, however it now seems that I'm just being swept up by a wind, to be blown where the spirit wills. Certain faults and blindness I have, especially in the area of charity, are also being revealed to me. Pride, lack of forgiveness etc. As I'm typing this, I'm only coming to notice all these things happening in tandem.

There is definitely some pruning going on now.

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways." (1 Cor 13:11)

Unto You.

"Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the church." (Col 1:24)

My hand trembles to write this, my heart shakes.

When I pray this prayer, may their sufferings be unto me, do I know what I am praying for?

Use it for your glory then, O Lord.

Especially for the souls that I pray for, that I may have them for you.

God, has been especially merciful to me. Then again, when has He never been so?

If others have been given the opportunities, the number of chances I've had, they would have been so much more faithful than I am. With me, He had to stoop so low, because I think I'm actually this very, very stubborn, and vain, and just totally undeserving soul. Goodness, gentleness, love, these things do not come naturally to me. Imagine it, if He had just left me at that, I think I would have been an utterly miserable person right now.

I need to remember that.

Among my friends I try to cultivate deep relationships, spiritually too.

Coincidentally, two of them, within this week, have told me they were searching for a new church.

And one of them told me, the answer seem to lead to mine. Oh how I rejoiced.

Sometimes, joy comes with suffering, and vice versa. It is the same now.

Turn my sorrow into song.

And the mourners shall dance.

The broken-hearted shall be made whole again.

Take it all.

Who do Friends say I am?

So I've taken to start journaling things down more frequently, perhaps once or twice a week or two. It's not too bad a frequency, considering that I can go for months without a blog entry.

I've started on a ministry, plying the Lorongs of Geylang at night with my skills -- a smile and a warm hug.
I have many things to say about that, but maybe not today.

My friendship with Z having been restored, we do meet up often, usually because we're in the same group of friends. Sometimes we meet up privately, because Z wants to dig some info out of me, "it's the whole purpose of why we are meeting today!"
So today we went out for a few hours and enjoyed ourselves, I think. Complete with video-bombing a group of, students/young persons filming at a playground.

As you can see, they were filming for an Orange Dinosaur who needs to go down the slide.
Pretty serious stuff.

So I haven't been meeting up with many people that I should really meet up with. My schedule's been ridiculously packed recently. The old me would have been too fatigued to keep up with the Macdonalds flurry of activities, but strangely nowadays I am actually able to be out almost every night.

It leads me to treasuring the free time I have more.

Ok list of peoples that I need to have mano-a-mano time with, or have not had for a long time:

listed in alphabetical order
Ame
CH
Carmen
Celeste
Marie
YL

XJ

I do like one-on-one meetings, it allows me to catch up with the person, understand them, and bond with them.
For the bad girls who are reading this, don't worry, you all are counted to.
And that's not even mentioning the different groups I'm part of.
And there are also other group meetings to be had.
And it's like I'm also picking up Catholic friends here and there along the way.

But the thing is, I shouldn't discount serendipity, that meetings form just when they should. And sometimes even unexpected people that I meet, turn out to become good friends.

I'm really quite blessed in the area of friends. In a certain sense, it's almost an anomaly that I'm able keep up with varied friendships. But I'm genuinely interested in every single one of them, every aspect of their lives, each of them dear to me in their own ways.
I'm thankful for those who have 'shou liu wo' (taken me in), into their lives and relationships.
Each of them may also have their own life partner too.

It is true that being single gives me more time to develop all these friendships, and sometimes when I think about it, if I had a choice, it is tempting to be attached...but when I think of the lack of time and that I would be able to have less of the gift of self to others, I almost have this aversion to getting attached.  But more than that, it is also this knowledge that right now, God holds the entirely of my self in His hands. And whenever He sends me, I am able to go without too much of a consideration, or holding back of myself and time.

Singleness seems then, like a gift of God, as if He wants to consecrate you just for His use, because you belong to no other, you belong entirely to Him. And because you give the totality of yourself, He gives Himself to you, like a Bridegroom, very very closely, heart-to-heart. In a very special way, a dedicated relationship, sharing every heartbeat, every thought, and moment of the day.
And honestly, He did give me a choice, but each time, I did not take it. I realise the loss it would mean (of course not saying married/attached people are losing out la). Just the loss of that special intimacy because it is just You and me, and even that freedom...to give, to make choices, to walk in that path. "Do you want that?" He had asked. 
And my heart always said no. 

There's this verse in the bible, in our modern times we would blanch at it now, but it really encapsulates the way my heart feels.

"Are you free from a wife? Do not seek marriage. . . those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. . . . The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman or girl is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please her husband" (7:27-34). 

It is really quite true for me, in the way I prioritise my life now, I am able to give more thought, and in fact throw my entire self into Him. And in that way, even to give myself to people around me. And then if I'm honest to myself, my boyfriend/husband will really have to contend with being second, or even third place in my heart and my thoughts. I will always know that on earth we will never find that perfect love we seem to seek, and writers write about. It is even more apparent, when you think about it, no one lives forever, the love of your life will die one day, either you or him/her. And for the Christian, the after-life no one is married to each other anymore...Do I sound pessimistic ah? To me, it's reality, more a reality than all the romance novels I have read, all the romances every written, or romantic movie ever made.  Who am I to say this? I am the ultimate fan of romance, I can write the most romantic prose ever right now if called to, I claim that ability by virtue of the consumption of thousands (yes not kidding) of the most romantic things ever made. And my long-time friends also know this: Heidi's ultimate, most fervent, desire ever since she was 12, was to get married and have kids. Read the blog if you don't believe, or do a google search 'married', 'marry', 'rich handsome guy'(LOL) on my blog.

Ok so pardon me for writing this much about singleness (not to say singlehood means aloneness). There are so many articles out there waxing lyrical about romantic relationships already. So I feel like I have to write a little from my perspective. The reality is, the romance is already present within all of us, within our relationship with others, with self, and with the Ultimate -- whether you believe in God or not. The longing in our hearts already inputted there. Romance on this earth will end, yet we all long for the forever romance. Eternity we speak of, so easily, even though we can't even live 100 years. Does it only exists in our imaginations? What gives humans such impossible desires?

Anyways, I have gone on enough. Actually I want to say this -- Eternity is present. 
I'll come back to it another day. HAHAHAH.

Ok la, here's a song. And oh man I just realise, it's the song at Mass today! And whenever I sing this song, I really sing it from the bottom of my lonely single heart (hah!). Because I know it's true, because I know as of now, I really am surrendering all. (or as much as I can)

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • Refrain:
     I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

As She is

The other day I went out of the house, and forgot to bring my jacket. Which to me is almost as important as having my handphone along. Like Linus with his security blanket, I do not want to be caught in the cold with nothing but mao mao to protect me. What's mao mao?

My arm hair.
Long, but not very effective.

So I turned back, and called out to my brother from behind/outside locked doors, "eh bring my jacket."

And my sleepy brother brought out a jacket alright...but the wrong one. "Not this one! The grey one on the bed!" And he finally took the correct one.
"Why would I be wearing a winter jacket in Singapore??" I deadpanned while taking the right jacket. Yes folks, he brought out a winter jacket -_- Apparently blur genes do run in the family.

Oh and Sister finally got back to me! I mean, literally, Sister - Nun. So I get to walk the streets of Geylang at night! Selling my wares - which in this case is my most precious treasure Jesus Christ - through His Mom, Mother Mary.

I feel like this salesman sometimes, dangling Mother Mary in front of people, to lure them. And tomorrow is Assumption Day, woohoo! Oh I found a tidbit, during an experiment, practising Catholics who are shown a picture of Mother Mary actually experienced less pain when shocked. Apparently the image comforts them and makes them feel as if they are protected.

Like seriously, how can anyone not feel comforted seeing this:

Hahahaha ok you know what, Mother Mary is my security blanket.

Happy Mother Meets Jesus in Heaven again day ya'll!

His Eye is on the Sparrow

I went to Malacca over the National Day weekend.

It was hot.

Also, I learnt to enumerate the good, to relish in the experience such that things end up being positive. In a sense, what I've learnt during the trip, that I've been placed there, is for a reason. I thought I regretted going, but in coming to think about it -- in remembering that there is such thing as in God's time and place -- I understand that perhaps there is a larger reason why I should go other than it being purely pleasurable.

If I accept good things from God, why should I not accept the bad things too? If I believe that there is a higher meaning to life, and a purpose for everything under heaven, then I must also have faith and trust and be a living testimony no matter the circumstances I am placed in.

Another note, if the next time I am called to explain why I believe in God, and not just any God but the Christian revelation -- I should aim for the simple and most convincing argument (at least in my opinion). Maybe some live perfectly fine lives without religion, I don't refute that. However, that is easier to do when you can live for yourself. It's not so easy when life is filled with sufferings, or when you are not surrounded by people who suffer. Most of us will have that question, differentiating us from animals, from the rest of the life that lives on earth -- "why?"

Put into the equation enormous sufferings, whether physical, emotional, yours or others -- your way of living may not necessarily be applicable to others. Can you telling a grieving mother that the death of her child is essentially meaningless, because, there's nothing out there anyway, and we all live to die?
Can we tell a person with depression to get over it, or be stronger, or just take medicine and expect to live with it for the rest of his/her life?
For someone who suffers from inferiority complex, is it convincing enough to say they are special and have value too?
For someone who lives in poverty, for someone with abusive parents, for someone with deep, deep emotional and lifelong wounds...Can you offer hope for the broken-hearted?

My God, is the God known as a healer, the counsellor, the teacher, the guide, the lover, the advocate, the protector, the comforter, the servant, the gentle and meek lamb, the one who identifies with all the lonely, downtrodden and oppressed, the one who says that He is closest to the Broken-hearted. So that anyone who encounters Him, will go away not just healed, but transformed - their wounds become battle scars they can be proud of, their pain used in the service of others.

What can I offer you? What argument can I give? Only what I have received from Christ. And it is that healing, that transformational love that I wish to share with everyone.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

"I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow."

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

"I have loved you with an everlasting love..."

"We love because he first loved us."

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Aicmophobia

Ok I really, really need to start updating my blog more often.

I ALWAYS say this, but never followed through. The result is a deep regret that I haven't been able to catch up on much of my life, since my memory sucks so I forget what life is like previously, B.C.
Before Christ.

I went through one Charismatic Renewal session today, and part of the ending was to have a healing service. I call it the, dredge up old wounds, or try desperately to think of something or someone that has hurt you and you need to forgive.

I can't really connect with it, partly because I don't really have things to forgive and forget...at least not things that are a huge block to me. And because I don't really think that bone deep wounds can be healed like *snaps fingers* tada!

As a result, the ending left me feeling a little mellow...melancholic? I have been feeling so joyful recently that I forget (almost) the wounded soul I used to be. So joyful that I forget that even this state of joyfulness is a recent thing. Perhaps even barely a year of it...or even months of it. The joy that sneaks up on you unknowingly.

Actually...even in the midst of joy, I occasionally feel fear. Fear that it'll be taken away. Like, the reason why I eat so much now is also because it's a form of overcompensation. I genuinely enjoy having an appetite and do not take it for granted. It's actually a blessing to have an appetite, to have things you want to eat and look forward to eating.

So anyways,  in order to remember what it was like, I read through previous blog entries and frankly speaking, I'm amazed at myself. Like...wah my thoughts were so chim! HAHAHAHAHHAHA.

I'm sorry, I bet you wouldn't have expected my fearful blog entry to lead to self-praise.
And I'm actually quite surprised to realise that my state of equilibrium is actually a recent thing. Strange, this stability feels so firm now I don't even realise it's relatively recent in my life.

Yeah while the woundedness does add depth and eloquence to my writings, I'm not too sure I want to be that eloquent again. Because the eloquence flowed from the heart, and the writings seeped out like blood through a thread. What do I mean? It means that the needle the thread is tied to, had to be pierced into my heart.

And right now, I almost feel the prick of one again.

Ok my life is great. Like, shamelessly great.

Life has been good. I never thought to say this, or feel this, even just a few short months ago.

I think.

Or perhaps, it's more a change of perspectives?
I can genuinely say that I feel joyful, not in the foolishly happy sense, but in the sense that there is an abiding peace that tides me through everything.

Of course it's not to say there aren't obstacles in life, it's just that on the whole of it, I am content. I enjoy each day, and when I think about it, I enjoy the moments. It's a gift, the present.

I once told YL that I'm not used to this feeling of -- not having things that weigh me down. It's a bit scary, the feeling, like it's not gonna last. I don't feel that so much now, more like, whatever's gonna happen, I will try to maintain the peace. Float like a rubber duck in whatever storms that may come.

So yah. I'm glad to be Catholic. BAHAHAHAH.

Ok I should start posting more, I always say that but WHY do I always don't. Because I think too much technology liao, I think right, I need to do an experiment whereby I stop using the internet or something, wean myself off social media and technology and oh man even the thought makes me feel the heebie jeebies.

Today I met a JC friend. She was listening to earphones, and I called out to her, and she couldn't hear me, so I kept trying, even though in most occasions, I'll just not be so insistent on calling her. Plus the fact that my voice is currently squeaky and unreliable now, so the strange urge to connect was...strange.

Turns out, she's a social worker too! She actually studied social work in uni, just that I never compute it. She was glad to connect, and so was I! It's strange the way life turns out. I thank God for the little ways He shows Himself to me.

I'm thankful for my friends too. Like, really glad and thankful. I don't know what I do to deserve all these groups of supportive, loving friends. I'm really lucky.
At 26, life is pregnant, full of miracles and possibilities. Fecund with growth and abundantly joyful. I am excited and anticipatory of how things will turn out, even if I don't have everything planned out.
I am just delighted to see how His plans for me lay out, and there's nothing more assuring than to just trust and follow obediently, and place myself at His disposal.

I don't have to worry about anything!!
And also, I'm ready to die any day. If I die, please don't be too sad, even if I die young. Just know that I've lived each day to, maybe not the fullest, but I have enjoyed each day I've been given, and I couldn't ask for more. I know that there's something more marvellous, more beautiful and more than I can imagine on the other side, and you will be happy for me too, if I ever cross over before you.

Don't cry for me Argent...hahhaha.
World Cup over, I never watch, but also kena infected.

Between Darkness and Daybreak

A lot of things have happened in the past few days.

Not just the climbing of Mt K.

But grappling with decisions, grappling with irony and grappling with God.

In the Bible, there was a scene whereby Jacob was alone in his tent one night, and a mysterious man came to wrestle him. Jacob grappled against this man all night, while the man managed to dislocate one of Jacob's thigh joint. Wrestling, involves pitting your strength and tactics to manoeuvre the opponent to the ground.  Stability of the legs is very important. How discouraging and tiring it must have been for Jacob when the man easily dislocated Jacob's thigh. How desperate the fight must have been. Yet finally when day broke, no one had won, and the man was about to leave.

Jacob refused to let the man go, not until the man has given Jacob a blessing. (why did Jacob ask so? He must have discerned something about the man during the night-long struggle. The man asked for Jacob's name, and Jacob replied. Then the man said, "From now on you will no longer be called Jacob, but Israel(literally 'He who struggles with God', for you have struggled with God and with men, and prevailed."

Coincidentally, Pope Francis recently gave a homily on arguing with God, that we should not be afraid to question Him, fight with Him and hold Him to His promises.

I feel like that.

Like sometimes I really don't understand why certain things happen, why I have to make certain decisions, and why is my life sometimes so...ironic. Just about a month plus ago I had expressed reservations about someone who always chooses to go out with much, much older partner, almost two decades older. When people question me about my maximum age limit, mine was about like...5, or 6.

Along then comes the irony, and I did struggle and am still struggling.

And also struggling about teaching children Catechism (Catholic faith classes). I had cancelled my Masters to do this because, I felt called to. And here it is, sometimes so very discouraging that my heart is always full of struggles and knots. I have to struggle with what I think is right, and what is actually right. Struggle with men, struggling with this God who calls me to do things and gives me situations whereby I just want to sit down on the floor, flail my legs and arms and whine out "why??"

Whilst climbing Mt K (Heidi's legs still very sore up to now), I revisited old memories and am seriously impressed with myself (lol) at how the heck I managed to make it up to Laban Rata in my food poisoning/severe stomach flu state of weakness, diarrhoea and vomiting. Even healthy, it was still quite an exertion. While sick and in pain, I literally crawled my way up. Refusing to go back down, refusing to stay down. It took twice the time to climb up than I took in my healthy state. Although I made it all the way up to the summit, the peak, I am still prouder of the achievement of climbing to Laban Rate the first time.

However, while climbing the summit in the pitch darkness of 2+am, with visibility limited only to the guide's feet in front of me, with thinning air and endless steps, I took the time to pray the rosary. Amazingly, I didn't feel as tired, or out of breath that I thought I would be. I was actually at the front of the entire team the whole way, and while my team mates had to breathe heavily, it was almost like I was just going through a light exertion.

I credit that to the praying of the rosary as I walk. With no thought but to follow the guide in front of me, and to follow him well, wherever he leads me, even when I couldn't even see what's ahead of me. Taking my mind off the terror of climbing 4000metre cliffs in the dark, of having to hoist myself up with ropes, of knowing there's a certain danger of losing my footing. With my shepherd, I followed obediently.

The exhaustion and thin air didn't affect me that much when I block all that out, determined not to stop and to keep going, to focus. And I was deeply moved by the ascent to the top. In Christianity, there is a lot of symbolism to do with mountains and climbing and I could understand even more clearly my walk/climb/struggle with God, when physically actually doing that. Where there is trust, prayer, faith and a determination to keep going in spite of obstacles, the burdens do get lessened.

Even when there's total darkness and the sense of danger all around, the daybreak and the rising of the sun, giving light to everything and showing you just how far you have climbed and made it, there are really a lot of parallels to life.

Day broke, and I didn't really have a lot of answers, and yet I gained a lot of understanding, and almost a newer level of intimacy with God. I get resentful, tired and moody. I get angry and all I want to do sometimes is stop and enjoy myself. But I refuse to lose sight of my shepherd. I want Him to lead me all the way to the top, where light reveals the austere peaks and craggy faces of the surfaces I have trod, and I wonder at the stark beauty of them all. Even in such bleak conditions, there were still wild flowers and bushes growing.

Checklist of things to remember to write

Before I forget

Bad stuff
- Badminton group betrayal
- Wrecking my brains
- Thinking...
- Actually wait, that's it

Good stuff
- Nice parent at catechism
- Nice blooming flowers
- Nice racket
- Nice turtle, office loves him

Things to pray for
- Many

Decisions to be made (and stuck to)
- Two. Office politics and Personal Relationships

Remember to treasure people Heidi.
Remember to contact T for his help.

Take a bow, the night is over.

C's last day today, and I feel sad, because she has been the colleague I'm closest to in the office. Someone I can share many things with, including lunches!

I don't like crying in public, however I couldn't help but tear (though I quickly moved to my desk), only to see the Oolong Tea C left for me cuz she knows I like tea, and it makes me feel like crying again.

I really don't like partings or separations. Heart cannot take it.
Goings and leavings, changes and distances. People always say it's an inevitable part of life, and I say it to. But how can the heart adapt so quickly? Honestly, maybe it's good that I never get attached.
Because I get attached.

Hahahaha.

Humour aside, I mean I don't think I can totally move on or heal from heartbreak or the missing of people. They always remain alive in your heart, and yesterday's memories always feels just like yesterday, and you have the expectation that you'll see them again today.

That's why, I think, and I'm quite resolved, to protect the heart even before things start. Am I being very pragmatic? If it's going nowhere, or no clear commitment or expectation, I won't put my eggs in the basket anymore, but work on maintaining distance, so it's like, 'na de qi, fang de xia'. (can take it up, can also put it down). So in facing things with an eventual end, my tenure in the office for example, I'll work on my mindset. Which is in preparing myself for farewell, for letting go, for the breaking up. No sights set for the future, no goals to be geared towards, no expectations, just my best wishes. Spirit slowly leaving, and before you know it, poof she's gone. Even Casper is friendlier than I am. LOL.

I mean of course I'll still fulfil my responsibilities lah, and not say 'bo chup' (no care), because that would be irresponsible. But what's that word, ah! Not get too emotionally involved. I like that!

I'm already doing that -- bowing out.

But I still miss C alot!! Like a hole in my days now T_T
Jesus consoled me in the Tabernacle today, 'Heaven and earth may pass away, but my words will never pass away'. 'He will never leave you, or forsake you.' 'I will be with you always, yes, to the end of the age.'

Shucks, I sound like I have some abandonment issues sia.

The Things I Can't Stand

I am growing fat again. I know we're not suppose to bother too much about appearances but I really can't stand the fact that I always can't control my appetite.

So recently, I try to tell myself that hunger pangs are normal. I need not fulfil them all at once.
Also good that it's Lent, you know, to resist thy impulses and offer little sacrifices. How I wish I was dieting because of God, not because I am getting flabbier.

Feel quite excited about badminton again. I like having to push myself and train myself, rather than let myself go. Training endurance and discipline, also discipline in spiritual life. Mind over matter!

Today I watched a lot of badminton videos. This colleague at work kept talking to me too. Like...to the point I am slightly...nonplussed. I have to be patient, and caring towards people, I remind myself that. And plus he has just gone through heartbreak.  Hai. This is why I rather be a social worker than a counsellor. I can't just sit around and talk about problems without doing anything. Hahaha!

Today, as with other Fridays, I went for Stations of the Cross. As a part of extra sacrifice/commitment for Lent. I wish I could put my whole heart in Mass but I couldn't. Many things on my mind, and worse...the man next to me had seriously bad breath!!!!! It was such a torture I couldn't concentrate, couldn't breathe deeply, couldn't sing the words. So many times I had the urge to ask him to sit a little further away from me but it is just not charitable!! I think people ought to check their breaths every once in a while. Of course if you have halitosis it might be unavoidable, however basic dental hygiene shouldn't be neglected. Flossing, using mouth wash and brushing your tongue! (very impt). I always check my breath for whether it stinks, so I'm very conscious if I can actually smell other people's breath.

That's why I hate it when people burp (much less fart) in front of me. It's just disturbing.

Strangely one youtube video I watched had an advertisement that talked about halitophobia -- fear of bad breath. Is it just a coincidence? Hahahah.

Anyways, this is one reason why the haze really affects me badly. Hypersenstive. :'(

Ok I walked past the neighbour's dog, and he was being blowdried, just sitting there obediently. Quite frequently, I wish we can own a dog. Cept that it would stink, our house would stink, and he'll die eventually.

I wish I am the sort who doesn't mind bad smells, dog poop and dying pets. The type who could take farewells (C's last week this coming week), broken friendships, ending relationships and separation well. I try to put up a front, and steel myself, but I always know that I don't like such pain and will do my best to avoid it. Is it that I'm afraid to love with my whole heart?

The Simple and The Sublime.

I haven't been posting much...AS USUAL HEIDI.

Which is sad because pretty soon I'm gonna get old before my time and when I think back on my 20s, I won't even remember what I have been doing for the majority of it. Besides kiao-ka-ing (shake leg) at my office and pigging out.
It's sad, so sad. It's a sad sad situation...

Ok so today I shall note down what I did.

First I woke up...late as usual.
Ate grilled asparagus with garlic, butter and truffle salt for breakfast. As well as some super healthy organic rye and spelt bread (which honestly looks and tastes like brownies without the chocolate and sweetness. Like sultana bread (which I don't like) without the spiciness. In short, my colleague, C, hates it. I added some cheese and manuka honey (which makes anything better), and J likes it.

For lunch I had homecooked chicken soup, which I have been eating for lunch and dinner for about 2-3 days now. Supposed to eat it for dinner today but I felt craving for sushi, so I bought sushi instead.

I have gained weight. Seriously, where did those extra weight come from?? I have been eating more, without keeping a check on my diet and exercise. Like today, I totally finished one pack of Hello Panda. I had to push the packet towards J because otherwise I'll just finish it all up. It is a whopping 300+ calories for one box ok!! That's like a chicken soup plus white rice calories and more!

So yah, I now resolve to turn my eyes away from impulse snack buys.

I didn't do much, but research on what badminton rackets to buy and doing Jillian Michaels workout(which I'm determined to do everyday now after resting for a few weeks) for my night time.

Yucks. Reading through my entry, I always despise those bloggers who post totally mundane everyday stuff, like who wants to read that and how boring right. But I'm doing it right now. I always thought there was no point to jotting down daily occurrences if there wasn't something meaningful about the post. That's why my posts always end up quite abstract. Unfortunately, it also means I can't figure out what the heck I was thinking about or what happened to me when I read many of posts.

Or maybe I'm not thinking too deeply about my life anymore? I feel that as I grow older I stop reflecting on the day's events. Last time I used to do that alot and frequently laugh to myself. But now, I've stopped. I wonder why...

I shall make more concentrated efforts to be in the moment. You know, I suspect it's because of technology that I stop reflecting. Because at all hours and minutes of the day, I can be glued to my phone. Maybe, I also need to make a conscious effort to stop checking my phone so much, or even leave it home once in a while! Did I tell you about the time I lost my S4 and for a week or so I had to do without a phone? It felt strangely exhilarating and liberating. Like my life was full of burdens for a while.

Wow, I miss that feeling. Maybe one day, I might even switch to a non-smart phone. Because technology has become so smart we let it do the thinking for us, saving us brain space to...get hooked up even more onto useless stuff. I am too smart for my own good. I mean, not in the ego-boosting way but this smartness can make one less simple (not in the stupid way).

Ok so C is leaving, I feel sad. My eating, ranting and counselling partner in the office! :((
I will be leaving too...in a few months. It feels like it's never going to happen though. In many ways, I feel a bit uncertain, impatient, but underlying all this is the determination to trust God and give Him everything to settle.
See, I really am a follower at heart, I just want someone to make all the decisions for me, and all I need to do is to carry out my responsibilities. Hehehe. Like that's so easy, it can harder than making your own decisions!

When I surrender control of my life, that's when I feel most in control. Because I will know that I am in the right place, at the right time, and I am called to change my attitude more often than changing my circumstances. That's the Christian paradox.

Ok so to make the entry more meaningful, I would like to say this. I love God, and I thank God. I really love Him. Not in the weepy sentimental way. But the truly grateful, awed and wondrous way. Each day, no matter how monotonous, is touched with the sublime because of Him. How can I think each moment ordinary when I realise how each moment affects eternity? Whenever I feel disgusted at myself, my weakness and my flaws, all I need to remember is not to wallow, to confess and try again another day. "God does not ask that we succeed, only that we try", Mother Teresa said.

Because I found, or maybe, because He found me, I know life, all life is filled with purpose, meaning and joy in the midst of suffering. Suffering is a given, in fact, it is a necessity. But it will not be permanent, it will only serve to strengthen us. And the best part of my life, would be to live it for others, to give myself to the service of others. Yes, the way to gain life is to lose it.

Oh ok, at least this post progresses beyond the mundane hahahah. At least you get an insight to how things are with me, perfectly mundane, but also so filled with meaning and love.

Ok seeya again folks, I hope I post more often. And I will be praying for each one of you. I love you! (even though I'm awkward about it).

Hello 2014

I should stop being so lazy and actually start jotting down my life.

Ok tomorrow.