While I feel this inertia in my job (it is almost pure administrative work!) I guess it a certain way I get to do things that can be out of the ordinary.
Actually this has been weighing on me for a while, the stuck in a rut feeling. And by nature I don't like being in situations I cannot change.
So recently in order to combat this defeatist slump I have been watching my favourite role model, Da Chang Jin again... For the 8th time. While others think, What Would Jesus Do, I think, What Would Chang Jin do? Ooonara oo nara...
There is this issue I am facing... I am this awkward turtle person who sometimes misleads social cues, who sometimes does not know how to express herself properly, like my behaviour is not congruent with my feelings. Anyways, I do not know how to act, natural or forced, feels familiar and strange at the same time. I am quite sad about it and wish it was another way.
I feel like I need to do more for people, that Philippines faces such devastation while I am comfortably ensconced in my home makes me feel guilt. How do I stick to faith even when it seems that love hurts so much? If you give us it might not hurt so, because you do not expect anything else but that there is love makes it seem almost like a cruel joke. Because the more you love, the more it hurts. And you also wonder why someone you love keeps hurting you this way.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Kimchi, Barbie, Pharisee
Lol I've stopped posting for so long that even if I want to talk about my life, I don't know where to start!
Since it's this way, I might as well not update.
Ok yesterday I finally used the kimchi that I have hoarded for over one year to cook kimchi chiggae. Heart pain when I used them all at once, no more stock left. Which means the next time I want to cook kimchi soup, I will need to wait for another year before my current batch gets reallllly fermented.
All along I have been patiently waiting for the kimchi to turn really sour, and planning my ingredients, stocking them up one by by.
Especially the Korean chilli flakes were really hard to get! When I finally found them in a random Korean shop at Raffles area I was so happy...until I lost them. Probably my aunt took them, thinking they were some ordinary chilli flakes, but no! These are Korean chilli flakes!! Really hard to get.
That aside, I decided to finally cook the kimchi soup whose recipe I have been cultivating in my mind for a long time. And they turned out...Wonderful! No seriously, I am not self-praising but the majority of the taste could only be from the 1 year fermented kimchi. Only something like that could truly give rise to a bowl of sour, rich and satisfying kimchi soup, other than that nothing will give kimchi soup that full-bodied taste.
Which makes me sad again, because of how long I have to wait. So anyone of you, if you ever come across truly fermented kimchi, please just help me buy them, I'll pay any price! (Reasonable of course).
Oh I also made a few lifestyle changes, trying to eat healthily and generally cultivate good habits. Unfortunately this day I have gone bonkers bingeing on unhealthy food. Oh well, whatever weight I've lost seems to have come back again. Discipline, wherefore art thou??
Oh, colleague's pregnant again. Gasp!
I currently have very bad rashes, so bad that my colleague had to apply lotion and medicine for me on my back, and usually I am very shy about my body.
I just came back from Kuantan! Absolutely fabulous place with quaint towns. I was never a fan of the nostalgic/retro trend.
But woah, these towns really make me love the nostalgic feel. It's unapologetically retro, because it is what it is. No pretense, no attempt to dress itself up in a hipster, bygone era manner, no whimsical/nostalgic wannabe chase. Of course, it too will have to modernise one day. Sometimes I think the reason why the vintagey thing is so in now, because we want to capture some of that innocence lost, in a bid to find an anchor in this fast-changing world.
Maybe the trick to be something, without having the artifice is...Just being itself, honest, true, genuine and natural -- without thinking it's being honest, true, genuine and natural. Once you have to think about an image of how you want to come across to people, and pattern yourself under the image...I think that's when the innocence is lost.
Or else why are we always posing in the face turned sideways, hand tucking hair back, gazing into the distance with a wistful smile, knee bent and arms poised. Because Barbie looks like that, and Barbie is like the epitome of image-making, ever since the 60s!
I think this can be potentially world-changing! Imagine, you don't have to be so concerned about image anymore, and know that EVERYONE looks like that. Not all glammed up, spotting cool-looking designs and looking as if they are living the life. Don't think God created us to be hothouse flowers. When you finally stand before him, no amount of style, clothes, image will help you look good in front of him, only the good that you have done, and the love that you have shown.
Which I think is what the world is lacking these days...now especially.
Random theory aside.
I'm backsliding. Until I made some passionately religious people. And then realise, ok I need to really cultivate humility and patience, remembering that it's not how much I know, but how I put that to use. Always to be aware of how I can make people feel, and with lens am I viewing myself, and whether I see myself as superior or more knowledgeable than others. Sunday's reading about the Pharisee who prayed in the temple, thanking God that he is not like other people, and he fasts and donates money regularly, compared with the tax collector (one of the most despised occupations) who did not even go near the temple, but beat his chest and asked God to have mercy on him, a sinner.
We may always think, wah thank God I am not like that Pharisee. However, there are always aspects of ourselves that can be like that.
Since it's this way, I might as well not update.
Ok yesterday I finally used the kimchi that I have hoarded for over one year to cook kimchi chiggae. Heart pain when I used them all at once, no more stock left. Which means the next time I want to cook kimchi soup, I will need to wait for another year before my current batch gets reallllly fermented.
All along I have been patiently waiting for the kimchi to turn really sour, and planning my ingredients, stocking them up one by by.
Especially the Korean chilli flakes were really hard to get! When I finally found them in a random Korean shop at Raffles area I was so happy...until I lost them. Probably my aunt took them, thinking they were some ordinary chilli flakes, but no! These are Korean chilli flakes!! Really hard to get.
That aside, I decided to finally cook the kimchi soup whose recipe I have been cultivating in my mind for a long time. And they turned out...Wonderful! No seriously, I am not self-praising but the majority of the taste could only be from the 1 year fermented kimchi. Only something like that could truly give rise to a bowl of sour, rich and satisfying kimchi soup, other than that nothing will give kimchi soup that full-bodied taste.
Which makes me sad again, because of how long I have to wait. So anyone of you, if you ever come across truly fermented kimchi, please just help me buy them, I'll pay any price! (Reasonable of course).
Oh I also made a few lifestyle changes, trying to eat healthily and generally cultivate good habits. Unfortunately this day I have gone bonkers bingeing on unhealthy food. Oh well, whatever weight I've lost seems to have come back again. Discipline, wherefore art thou??
Oh, colleague's pregnant again. Gasp!
I currently have very bad rashes, so bad that my colleague had to apply lotion and medicine for me on my back, and usually I am very shy about my body.
I just came back from Kuantan! Absolutely fabulous place with quaint towns. I was never a fan of the nostalgic/retro trend.
But woah, these towns really make me love the nostalgic feel. It's unapologetically retro, because it is what it is. No pretense, no attempt to dress itself up in a hipster, bygone era manner, no whimsical/nostalgic wannabe chase. Of course, it too will have to modernise one day. Sometimes I think the reason why the vintagey thing is so in now, because we want to capture some of that innocence lost, in a bid to find an anchor in this fast-changing world.
Maybe the trick to be something, without having the artifice is...Just being itself, honest, true, genuine and natural -- without thinking it's being honest, true, genuine and natural. Once you have to think about an image of how you want to come across to people, and pattern yourself under the image...I think that's when the innocence is lost.
Or else why are we always posing in the face turned sideways, hand tucking hair back, gazing into the distance with a wistful smile, knee bent and arms poised. Because Barbie looks like that, and Barbie is like the epitome of image-making, ever since the 60s!
Muahaha.
Seriously, once you get the connection, you begin to see every blogshop model posing this way. It's really quite hilarious! Cannot lah, sometimes ordinary, unglam girls also want to see how the clothes will look like in unglam postures also mah. In real life, where got people walk with sashaying arms, curved knees, or looking sideways one? Unless we walk like a crab. That's why buying clothes online can be really deceptive, like...eh why doesn't it turn out like the way it was photographed? So I have an idea, maybe it can be the Practical Clothing For Everyday Situations Blog Shop, and models are just random girls of all body shapes, and photos are taken without professional photography, less image-making, and more focused on capturing the everyday situational aspects of the clothes. How they look like when you have one leg up on the chair, or when you have VPL, or when the clothes are creased, or have stains etc etc.I think this can be potentially world-changing! Imagine, you don't have to be so concerned about image anymore, and know that EVERYONE looks like that. Not all glammed up, spotting cool-looking designs and looking as if they are living the life. Don't think God created us to be hothouse flowers. When you finally stand before him, no amount of style, clothes, image will help you look good in front of him, only the good that you have done, and the love that you have shown.
Which I think is what the world is lacking these days...now especially.
Random theory aside.
I'm backsliding. Until I made some passionately religious people. And then realise, ok I need to really cultivate humility and patience, remembering that it's not how much I know, but how I put that to use. Always to be aware of how I can make people feel, and with lens am I viewing myself, and whether I see myself as superior or more knowledgeable than others. Sunday's reading about the Pharisee who prayed in the temple, thanking God that he is not like other people, and he fasts and donates money regularly, compared with the tax collector (one of the most despised occupations) who did not even go near the temple, but beat his chest and asked God to have mercy on him, a sinner.
We may always think, wah thank God I am not like that Pharisee. However, there are always aspects of ourselves that can be like that.
Friday, September 06, 2013
The Visit.
After receiving many promptings, I finally went to visit my grandma today, bringing a long a can of beautifully arranged flowers with me.
I think I know why we should always learn to listen to our promptings better, instead of brushing them off and feeling lazy about it.
It wasn't that my grandma is in a critical condition. When I visited her, she was having her dinner.
It was that her mental state had deteriorated to the point her personality had changed somewhat. More child-like now, still my ah ma but...not the same any more. It was then I kept castigating myself mentally. You waited too long Heidi! You should have visited her sooner! She's still alive, but it feels that I have also somehow lost my grandma forever already.
Even typing this out makes me tear.
I am not one of her closer grandchildren. In fact, I can't even communicate with her as she speaks Hokkien, and me chinese.
As I watch her peck at her dinner, smiling at her, and seeing her "sha xiao" (a little absent-minded smile), some parts of my vision got bleary and a part of me wanted to just go somewhere and start sobbing. I didn't lose my composure, hugging her and kissing her goodbye. Wondering if this is the last time.
I walked to the nearby mall to get dinner, and along the way I think I heard a bit of whimper escape from me, a bit of wetness in the eye that I had back. All the way, even as I bought dinner, my daily gong cha, getting up the lift, to my house and telling my brother to visit her. Changed.
Then finally, started in my room.
Here I thought I could probably deal with death and the dying well, as I embark on palliative work. And actually, I felt so invincible to the grief others would feel at the death of a loved one. I thought, since I am Catholic, I could deal with it better.
Until tears started flowing down my face, and I know I am still human after all, and I can still hurt, and I have forgotten that others will hurt too.
I think I know why we should always learn to listen to our promptings better, instead of brushing them off and feeling lazy about it.
It wasn't that my grandma is in a critical condition. When I visited her, she was having her dinner.
It was that her mental state had deteriorated to the point her personality had changed somewhat. More child-like now, still my ah ma but...not the same any more. It was then I kept castigating myself mentally. You waited too long Heidi! You should have visited her sooner! She's still alive, but it feels that I have also somehow lost my grandma forever already.
Even typing this out makes me tear.
I am not one of her closer grandchildren. In fact, I can't even communicate with her as she speaks Hokkien, and me chinese.
As I watch her peck at her dinner, smiling at her, and seeing her "sha xiao" (a little absent-minded smile), some parts of my vision got bleary and a part of me wanted to just go somewhere and start sobbing. I didn't lose my composure, hugging her and kissing her goodbye. Wondering if this is the last time.
I walked to the nearby mall to get dinner, and along the way I think I heard a bit of whimper escape from me, a bit of wetness in the eye that I had back. All the way, even as I bought dinner, my daily gong cha, getting up the lift, to my house and telling my brother to visit her. Changed.
Then finally, started in my room.
Here I thought I could probably deal with death and the dying well, as I embark on palliative work. And actually, I felt so invincible to the grief others would feel at the death of a loved one. I thought, since I am Catholic, I could deal with it better.
Until tears started flowing down my face, and I know I am still human after all, and I can still hurt, and I have forgotten that others will hurt too.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Lost Phone, Love Vietnam, Enjoy Bible
So I lost my handphone, my precious Samsung Galaxy S4 that had been the delight of my techie soul, on a plane. Either I forgot about it, or someone took it whilst I wasn't aware.
Along the way, as I alighted from the plane, I had this niggling voice in my mind to check my phone, check your phone, check your phone Heidi! Unfortunately, I ignored the voice. Sorry Guardian Angel.
Despite the temptation, I did not give in (too much) to that desire to scold and curse the person who took my phone. Instead, I prayed for that person. Not that I want to sound like Mother Heidi (one friend called me). Because part of being a Catholic is also learning to accept the will of God, and to turn the other cheek. Death to self and all.
And of course, having taken my phone, that person is probably gonna be in a worse state than I would be next time. Because of a few hundred dollars, is it worth it? Then again, somewhere out there, someone would benefit more from my phone than I would.
Also, there were temptations to claim insurance (which I didn't buy!!) on other people's account. My travel buddies offered to claim on my behalf, but I painfully said I can't because *points to crucifix on her neck*. Here's hoping I could make a good witness.
Not that I am high and mighty ah. I need to disabuse myself of any notions of nobility.
I really enjoyed the trip, the company, the experiences. I had misgivings about it, since I would be travelling with people that I had little contact with, and will be the odd one out. But they accepted me readily.
Visiting the completed homes of the families we helped built for, seeing them have safe and secure shelters, genuinely grateful and happy with everything, and to see us again, I think it's a blessing worth so much more than what I have lost.
I probably made friends that I can keep too. I hope. Heheh.
I would also like to talk about how being without a phone had made me feel. I felt silence. In a good way. Like being in a retreat. Without distractions. The lack of a phone, and knowing people couldn't contact me, and without being distracted by the phone kinda slowed life down for me. Made me live in the present a little more. Made me try to be less reliant on a gadget, and on good old-fashioned ways of showing up where I should, and at the time I should.
Hahahah.
We have become so bound to technology in our lives nowadays, it took just a few days without my handphone to realise how much a captive I was.
That said, I still want a new phone. HEHEH.
Another thing is, I learnt to appreciate what it is like to have, and how others could actually experience envy and sadness at the things one do not have. I mean, not like I don't experience envy or sadness, but that I don't usually experience it for material stuff, and I kinda feel so smug now telling the hostel girls how we shouldn't aspire to have the latest gadgets, when there I was waving an S4 in their faces. (of course I did realise the irony at times, but like someone who hasn't suffered the pain yet, I thought it was easy for them to combat these longings).
EAT HUMBLE PIE HEIDI.
Through this experience, I will need to remind myself to be more patient, and empathetic towards the desires of others. Always turn a bad thing into something good.
Oh I bought this audio bible on an app, the last purchase I bought the night before I lost my phone. I was so excited to hear it for the duration of the trip. Listening to the bible like it's a audio movie really brings everything to life! I never thought the bible was so exciting before. Hahaha. I mean, it is, but the audio version is really addictive. And quite funny too, the humour comes through with terrific voice actors. JESUS HAS A SENSE OF HUMOUR. I always felt like God somehow has this really strange sense of humour regarding my life. And the audio bible really shows it. Along with other random/weird occurrences like losing a phone and learning what matters in life.
Along the way, as I alighted from the plane, I had this niggling voice in my mind to check my phone, check your phone, check your phone Heidi! Unfortunately, I ignored the voice. Sorry Guardian Angel.
Despite the temptation, I did not give in (too much) to that desire to scold and curse the person who took my phone. Instead, I prayed for that person. Not that I want to sound like Mother Heidi (one friend called me). Because part of being a Catholic is also learning to accept the will of God, and to turn the other cheek. Death to self and all.
And of course, having taken my phone, that person is probably gonna be in a worse state than I would be next time. Because of a few hundred dollars, is it worth it? Then again, somewhere out there, someone would benefit more from my phone than I would.
Also, there were temptations to claim insurance (which I didn't buy!!) on other people's account. My travel buddies offered to claim on my behalf, but I painfully said I can't because *points to crucifix on her neck*. Here's hoping I could make a good witness.
Not that I am high and mighty ah. I need to disabuse myself of any notions of nobility.
I really enjoyed the trip, the company, the experiences. I had misgivings about it, since I would be travelling with people that I had little contact with, and will be the odd one out. But they accepted me readily.
Visiting the completed homes of the families we helped built for, seeing them have safe and secure shelters, genuinely grateful and happy with everything, and to see us again, I think it's a blessing worth so much more than what I have lost.
I probably made friends that I can keep too. I hope. Heheh.
I would also like to talk about how being without a phone had made me feel. I felt silence. In a good way. Like being in a retreat. Without distractions. The lack of a phone, and knowing people couldn't contact me, and without being distracted by the phone kinda slowed life down for me. Made me live in the present a little more. Made me try to be less reliant on a gadget, and on good old-fashioned ways of showing up where I should, and at the time I should.
Hahahah.
We have become so bound to technology in our lives nowadays, it took just a few days without my handphone to realise how much a captive I was.
That said, I still want a new phone. HEHEH.
Another thing is, I learnt to appreciate what it is like to have, and how others could actually experience envy and sadness at the things one do not have. I mean, not like I don't experience envy or sadness, but that I don't usually experience it for material stuff, and I kinda feel so smug now telling the hostel girls how we shouldn't aspire to have the latest gadgets, when there I was waving an S4 in their faces. (of course I did realise the irony at times, but like someone who hasn't suffered the pain yet, I thought it was easy for them to combat these longings).
EAT HUMBLE PIE HEIDI.
Through this experience, I will need to remind myself to be more patient, and empathetic towards the desires of others. Always turn a bad thing into something good.
Oh I bought this audio bible on an app, the last purchase I bought the night before I lost my phone. I was so excited to hear it for the duration of the trip. Listening to the bible like it's a audio movie really brings everything to life! I never thought the bible was so exciting before. Hahaha. I mean, it is, but the audio version is really addictive. And quite funny too, the humour comes through with terrific voice actors. JESUS HAS A SENSE OF HUMOUR. I always felt like God somehow has this really strange sense of humour regarding my life. And the audio bible really shows it. Along with other random/weird occurrences like losing a phone and learning what matters in life.
Sunday, August 04, 2013
She who is not
The other day I met up with a friend whom I knew had been avoiding me.
I think during the meeting I reinforced her reasons why she preferred not to maintain a friendship with me. Lol. During our dinner, I had a sense of regret and a bit of frustration. We used to be good friends, or at least I thought I was hers. Although I always felt a bit made use of, seeing how she alternates between confiding in me about her anguish over a breakup and getting angry at me when she suspected that her ex and I had something going on (which we never did). Or asking me to join her on lessons when we had similar interests, but immediately dropping me when I somehow stepped on her toes.
I used to get myself into tension-filled situations, trying to defend this friend of mine with her ex, all outraged on her behalf. Strangely, I had to defend her ex against her remarks. For someone who says she is over him, she does talk about him a little, and not wishing him well really. I also find myself wondering, why do I still care about her and this friendship when I have long ago realised that she probably doesn't really care for me as a friend, or at least unless we have something in common.
The only way I could get through to her was to talk about make-up, shopping, korean boybands and idols. No really, I'm not trying to paint her as some superficial person, but this really made me feel regretful and frustrated. I felt as if she had more depth to her when she was going through the pain of her break-up. Ever since some year or two ago, and now, it seems that she harbours a sort of never resolved resentment against her ex. Why is it that I still feel sad over her, that I feel a bit of tears that somehow...somehow I don't know how to reach out to her now? That she seems to be lost in a sort of created world? I really, really want to connect with her again, that she may become more real as a person. But I knew the most I could do was to pray for her now, and ask her to talk to another friend more, instead of just closing herself off from all of us. I think I told her over the dinner that I don't really give up on friendships, and will never on her. So hopefully she doesn't give up on me too. She then replied, "we got so close meh?" Hahaha. Seriously.
You know, this friend of mine was the one who first melted my repulsion at being anybody's dependent, somehow I used to feel protective of her, and wanted her to recover and be the capable person she could be.
Now her case brings me to another one. It seems to be true, that phrase they use that God sometimes breaks hearts in order to get into them. For me, it was. For another friend, it seems to be so too. Now coming to think about it, the initials of both these two friends are the same! Yet what different outcomes...
I do get a bit annoyed at God sometimes, wishing that I can just you know, be a petulant child and totally be resentful and unloving and uncaring, and paint horrible pictures of people whom I have felt hurt by. Why must I be loving? I'm not Mother Teresa, I'm not a saint! I'm just human and it hurts! Why must this choice of continuing to love and pray for people who hurt me, vs just cultivating indifference or contempt for them, keep being presented in front of me? And of course, the little insistent voice, the answer comes, because God loves them. Because we were created by Him, inputting His spirit in each of us. And this spirit within us just wants to love each person. So maybe, Heidi just want to hate, but the spirit in Heidi reaches out in her heart to love. So it's not me doing the loving, but the God in me. Therefore I know my weaknesses and am always aware of the battle. The storm in a tea cup.
It isn't always a painful battle, I think in return, God woos me sometimes like a (persistent but not always obvious) lover. For example, on the day of my birthday, I happen to glance out of the small window while bathing, and saw clouds with a heart-shaped hole in them. Wondering at this, wondering if I should take a picture of this (cuz I was bathing), I tried to use my handphone to take a picture, but by then the shape wasn't too obvious already.
Was that God saying I love you to me? I laughed at the whimsy, choosing to believe it so, but not quite fully convinced. Until I checked out my handphone, it was opened on a webpage, with something that I had been reading a few days ago, and the page just refused to be closed. My eyes set upon the passage whereby God is like a Father whom we could wish happy birthday too, and He shows us tangible love.
Could it be?
I then remembered that just before I went to sleep last night, I asked God, "I love you, do you love me too?"
I now know what peace feels like. It isn't an inner peace a la some inner Eastern guru thing, but a kind of a protective bubble, or wave that suffuses me with it. Like I literally feel enclosed, hugged, or embraced by it. Like an umbilical cord that constantly nurtures you, and you don't even know it's there until you consciously remember it. Why do I sometimes try so hard to bring friends to God? I think it's the nature of God that it wants to reach out, embrace and bring everyone into the fold, so they could experience it too and be joyful together with me. Unworthy though I am, I can't stop this inclination. And it's really not me doing it. Because the real Heidi is...
I couldn't continue my sentence. All sorts of negative descriptions come across that I don't know which to write. But a voice completes the answer. The real Heidi is loved by God.
I think during the meeting I reinforced her reasons why she preferred not to maintain a friendship with me. Lol. During our dinner, I had a sense of regret and a bit of frustration. We used to be good friends, or at least I thought I was hers. Although I always felt a bit made use of, seeing how she alternates between confiding in me about her anguish over a breakup and getting angry at me when she suspected that her ex and I had something going on (which we never did). Or asking me to join her on lessons when we had similar interests, but immediately dropping me when I somehow stepped on her toes.
I used to get myself into tension-filled situations, trying to defend this friend of mine with her ex, all outraged on her behalf. Strangely, I had to defend her ex against her remarks. For someone who says she is over him, she does talk about him a little, and not wishing him well really. I also find myself wondering, why do I still care about her and this friendship when I have long ago realised that she probably doesn't really care for me as a friend, or at least unless we have something in common.
The only way I could get through to her was to talk about make-up, shopping, korean boybands and idols. No really, I'm not trying to paint her as some superficial person, but this really made me feel regretful and frustrated. I felt as if she had more depth to her when she was going through the pain of her break-up. Ever since some year or two ago, and now, it seems that she harbours a sort of never resolved resentment against her ex. Why is it that I still feel sad over her, that I feel a bit of tears that somehow...somehow I don't know how to reach out to her now? That she seems to be lost in a sort of created world? I really, really want to connect with her again, that she may become more real as a person. But I knew the most I could do was to pray for her now, and ask her to talk to another friend more, instead of just closing herself off from all of us. I think I told her over the dinner that I don't really give up on friendships, and will never on her. So hopefully she doesn't give up on me too. She then replied, "we got so close meh?" Hahaha. Seriously.
You know, this friend of mine was the one who first melted my repulsion at being anybody's dependent, somehow I used to feel protective of her, and wanted her to recover and be the capable person she could be.
Now her case brings me to another one. It seems to be true, that phrase they use that God sometimes breaks hearts in order to get into them. For me, it was. For another friend, it seems to be so too. Now coming to think about it, the initials of both these two friends are the same! Yet what different outcomes...
I do get a bit annoyed at God sometimes, wishing that I can just you know, be a petulant child and totally be resentful and unloving and uncaring, and paint horrible pictures of people whom I have felt hurt by. Why must I be loving? I'm not Mother Teresa, I'm not a saint! I'm just human and it hurts! Why must this choice of continuing to love and pray for people who hurt me, vs just cultivating indifference or contempt for them, keep being presented in front of me? And of course, the little insistent voice, the answer comes, because God loves them. Because we were created by Him, inputting His spirit in each of us. And this spirit within us just wants to love each person. So maybe, Heidi just want to hate, but the spirit in Heidi reaches out in her heart to love. So it's not me doing the loving, but the God in me. Therefore I know my weaknesses and am always aware of the battle. The storm in a tea cup.
It isn't always a painful battle, I think in return, God woos me sometimes like a (persistent but not always obvious) lover. For example, on the day of my birthday, I happen to glance out of the small window while bathing, and saw clouds with a heart-shaped hole in them. Wondering at this, wondering if I should take a picture of this (cuz I was bathing), I tried to use my handphone to take a picture, but by then the shape wasn't too obvious already.
Was that God saying I love you to me? I laughed at the whimsy, choosing to believe it so, but not quite fully convinced. Until I checked out my handphone, it was opened on a webpage, with something that I had been reading a few days ago, and the page just refused to be closed. My eyes set upon the passage whereby God is like a Father whom we could wish happy birthday too, and He shows us tangible love.
Could it be?
I then remembered that just before I went to sleep last night, I asked God, "I love you, do you love me too?"
I now know what peace feels like. It isn't an inner peace a la some inner Eastern guru thing, but a kind of a protective bubble, or wave that suffuses me with it. Like I literally feel enclosed, hugged, or embraced by it. Like an umbilical cord that constantly nurtures you, and you don't even know it's there until you consciously remember it. Why do I sometimes try so hard to bring friends to God? I think it's the nature of God that it wants to reach out, embrace and bring everyone into the fold, so they could experience it too and be joyful together with me. Unworthy though I am, I can't stop this inclination. And it's really not me doing it. Because the real Heidi is...
I couldn't continue my sentence. All sorts of negative descriptions come across that I don't know which to write. But a voice completes the answer. The real Heidi is loved by God.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
The burning bush
The truth is -- I burn.
It isn't a blazing fire that extinguishes everything it touches. Neither is it a banked ember that fizzles in contact with water. It's a quiet smoulder that jumps and licks at each corner of opportunity.
No, I'm not talking about anger or resentment (though sometimes...) here. It is something I don't really admit to people and myself, more content to ease into my easy-going and lepak character, like a soft fudge, a beanie bag slush.
Yet even beanie bags turn solid when you press them hard enough.
I'm talking about passion. Not the romantic kind. But the kind that exhilarates and dashes itself into obstacles and bounces back again. The kind that can hurt, but charges ahead anyway.
The kind that waits for years, always keeping goals in sight, and every little choice, every interaction, every book read, every conversation had has an undertone of that vision within. How a seed contains a potential tree and a tree contains seeds.
So what am I talking about ah? Hmm. I think...I think it's really meant to be that I'm a social worker. I think somewhere deep inside, I always knew where I am meant to go. I just didn't know the routes to take.
What is God's will? I think I don't try to do God's will so much as trust that He will lead me in this. Beyond all the choices I make, He places me at the right place, and at the right time.
I actually wanted to talk about this right place right time thing, literally. How I walked into a stranded mother with 4 kids, and had to chase them across the MRT, from Serangoon to Paya Lebar, all the while feeling that God has a strange sense of humour. How the MSF staff probably thought I must be some super enthu bystander (and who promised to call me but never did!) when actually I was hungry, tired and praying to Mother Mary for help.
MOTHER MARY YOU DA BEST MOM IN DA WHOLE WORLD (AND UNIVERSE AND HEAVEN). You never fail to answer my prayers, maybe by telling Jesus, "eh this girl here a bit poor thing, can't you take pity on her and turn this hopeless situation into a miracle already, Son? So she can go home eat dinner though she's too late for her dreams of Gong Cha."
Seriously, what would I do without all the angels and the saints, and my dear Mother, because this pipsqueak here, despite all her bravado, is also a wimp at heart.
It isn't a blazing fire that extinguishes everything it touches. Neither is it a banked ember that fizzles in contact with water. It's a quiet smoulder that jumps and licks at each corner of opportunity.
No, I'm not talking about anger or resentment (though sometimes...) here. It is something I don't really admit to people and myself, more content to ease into my easy-going and lepak character, like a soft fudge, a beanie bag slush.
Yet even beanie bags turn solid when you press them hard enough.
I'm talking about passion. Not the romantic kind. But the kind that exhilarates and dashes itself into obstacles and bounces back again. The kind that can hurt, but charges ahead anyway.
The kind that waits for years, always keeping goals in sight, and every little choice, every interaction, every book read, every conversation had has an undertone of that vision within. How a seed contains a potential tree and a tree contains seeds.
So what am I talking about ah? Hmm. I think...I think it's really meant to be that I'm a social worker. I think somewhere deep inside, I always knew where I am meant to go. I just didn't know the routes to take.
What is God's will? I think I don't try to do God's will so much as trust that He will lead me in this. Beyond all the choices I make, He places me at the right place, and at the right time.
I actually wanted to talk about this right place right time thing, literally. How I walked into a stranded mother with 4 kids, and had to chase them across the MRT, from Serangoon to Paya Lebar, all the while feeling that God has a strange sense of humour. How the MSF staff probably thought I must be some super enthu bystander (and who promised to call me but never did!) when actually I was hungry, tired and praying to Mother Mary for help.
MOTHER MARY YOU DA BEST MOM IN DA WHOLE WORLD (AND UNIVERSE AND HEAVEN). You never fail to answer my prayers, maybe by telling Jesus, "eh this girl here a bit poor thing, can't you take pity on her and turn this hopeless situation into a miracle already, Son? So she can go home eat dinner though she's too late for her dreams of Gong Cha."
Seriously, what would I do without all the angels and the saints, and my dear Mother, because this pipsqueak here, despite all her bravado, is also a wimp at heart.
Thursday, July 04, 2013
Heidi's Battles Her Demons
Posting this here first while I try to write a more coherent version for Tumblr.
While I was trying to explain what confession is to a Protestant colleague, C, another colleague, A, came along and started telling stories of her horror of confession and how she doesn't trust priests and rather confess to God personally. How she was scandalised by inappropriate attire in church, and the behaviour of some priests and etc.
A also told that C that she predicts C will become a Catholic going for Mass, and under my influence. This is not the first time A has done that. In the middle of me trying to explain to someone about the Catholic faith, A will come along to tell that person of her own stories (and most often negative ones) and that she predicts the colleague will turn Catholic under my tutelage.
By the way, A is a Catholic. Who doesn't want to go to Heaven. (which by the way, is almost tantamount to the rejection of God's love, if she was more aware of the implications).
I know A means well, but from what I have written above you can tell that her testimony isn't gonna convince anyone. It frustrates me too, trying to let people have an understanding of the misunderstandings they might have had, and along comes someone who confirms that misunderstanding. In the end I almost lectured A, (I don't really do this actually) saying that "you're aren't living in faith!"
A common quotation attributed to St Augustine is "charity in all things", including words, and I try to remember that. However it sometimes frustrates me when Catholics, instead of being the Light of the World, becomes the bucket that hides this light instead. They become adverse testimonies.
I know God has His ways, and He allows certain things to happen. So I try to glean what lesson I can learn from this. I learn that the lukewarm believer, especially the lukewarm Catholic, is in an even greater danger, and a danger herself, than the loving non-believer. Gandhi had said this: "If all Christians acted like Christ, the whole world would be Christian."
What is a lukewarm Catholic? Let me tell you this, it is one who does not want to be a saint. It is one who does not even strive to be a saint.
It is not an egotism, or a show overconfidence to strive to be a saint. Nor some worldly ambition or need for glory, or personal pleasure in holiness. It is for the sake of our salvation, because the fight we have is not against flesh and blood, but against the fallen angels themselves. Against the Father of Lies, we cannot afford to let down our guard. You think those demons will be easy on you? You think they will only give 20% of their energy in trying to take you down? They go in full force, in legions, in desperation, in all spite, contempt, hatred and corruption they will do everything they can, with all the power and intelligence they have as once-angels to take the Children of God down.
Sometimes, I feel this bit of "hey maybe I should be embarrassed by what I'm saying, I sound like a fanatic!" Then I snapped myself out of this half-heartedness and say "hello, don't be such a face-loving wimp."
Do I exaggerate? I don't think I even tell half the reality of the truth. St Teresa of Avila wrote that that Christ had allowed her a glimpse of the room in hell the devils had prepared for her, and she living in a state of somnolence even as a professed bride of Christ. St Therese repeatedly affirmed her desire to be a saint, "My God, I choose everything -- I will not be a saint by halves."
In the writings of the Blessed Anne Emmerich, she wrote that the greatest suffering Jesus had at the Garden of Gethsamane was due to the lukewarm believers.
What does the bible say about tepidity? Rev 3:16.
I'm not saying this to condemn, but because of this urge in me. Because I am lukewarm myself. I don't think it's a one-time thing that we become strong-hearted believers, but it is always a fight against lukewarmness. I see so much in myself that I still have to give up, and to push forward in spiritual growth. Yet I do still need patience with my progress, or else I would want to be perfect for the sake of my own glory only. I can try to tell A that she has to lead a more faithful life, however I will be even more convincing witness if I work on my own holiness instead. Actions, more than mere words.
It's not all fire and brimstone though, that I want to be a saint is not because I don't want to go to Hell. (but of course, I don't want to go there also lah). I want to be a saint because...because I can't fool myself, I know when I'm being weak and making excuses not to give up certain things, to sacrifice. I know when I indulge in self-love. God's love is the biggest draw, because He loves, that I want to give Him back what love I can, and it is best done by striving to live in Him, in His words.
So God's love has rescued me from my tendency to want to be an underachiever, to be easy-going about life and not serious about work. I still am, but at least now I know it's my excuse at mediocrity, and a basic weakness rather than a positive lack of ambition or false humility.
Anyways, I think it's really interesting. I used to wish life was more interesting, and imagined myself as a protagonist fighting a battle against evil forces in this otherwise boring world. Like Sailor Moon who believes that love triumphs everything.
And yah, God has a sense of humour. Because in reality, we all are like Sailor Moons, or whatever superheroes there are. And Love indeed triumphs everything. However, unlike Sailor Moon, I am not the Saviour of the World, or the heroine of the world. Like Sailor Moon, I am a soldier of Light and Love. EHEHEH corny, but it is so.
So that's why lah, my childhood wannabe ambition (and even up to now) is to be Sailor Moon and I also think God's sense of humour is not my type but what to do. I look at all the events in my life and realise it has always been guided, but not in a way I expected.
So let me tell you this story...
Once, when she was travelling to one of her convents, St. Teresa of Ávila was knocked off her donkey and fell into the mud, injuring her leg. “Lord,” she said, “you couldn’t have picked a worse time for this to happen. Why would you let this happen?”
And the response in prayer that she heard was, “That is how I treat my friends.”
Teresa answered, “And that is why you have so few of them!”
And that sums up some of my feelings towards God, a dramatic "WEII WHY U LIDDAT ONE!!"
But always with Love and Joy of course. Saints are actually, really, really happy and funny people. In spite of all the troubles and struggles they go through (and God's sometimes really strange sense of humour).
While I was trying to explain what confession is to a Protestant colleague, C, another colleague, A, came along and started telling stories of her horror of confession and how she doesn't trust priests and rather confess to God personally. How she was scandalised by inappropriate attire in church, and the behaviour of some priests and etc.
A also told that C that she predicts C will become a Catholic going for Mass, and under my influence. This is not the first time A has done that. In the middle of me trying to explain to someone about the Catholic faith, A will come along to tell that person of her own stories (and most often negative ones) and that she predicts the colleague will turn Catholic under my tutelage.
By the way, A is a Catholic. Who doesn't want to go to Heaven. (which by the way, is almost tantamount to the rejection of God's love, if she was more aware of the implications).
I know A means well, but from what I have written above you can tell that her testimony isn't gonna convince anyone. It frustrates me too, trying to let people have an understanding of the misunderstandings they might have had, and along comes someone who confirms that misunderstanding. In the end I almost lectured A, (I don't really do this actually) saying that "you're aren't living in faith!"
A common quotation attributed to St Augustine is "charity in all things", including words, and I try to remember that. However it sometimes frustrates me when Catholics, instead of being the Light of the World, becomes the bucket that hides this light instead. They become adverse testimonies.
I know God has His ways, and He allows certain things to happen. So I try to glean what lesson I can learn from this. I learn that the lukewarm believer, especially the lukewarm Catholic, is in an even greater danger, and a danger herself, than the loving non-believer. Gandhi had said this: "If all Christians acted like Christ, the whole world would be Christian."
What is a lukewarm Catholic? Let me tell you this, it is one who does not want to be a saint. It is one who does not even strive to be a saint.
It is not an egotism, or a show overconfidence to strive to be a saint. Nor some worldly ambition or need for glory, or personal pleasure in holiness. It is for the sake of our salvation, because the fight we have is not against flesh and blood, but against the fallen angels themselves. Against the Father of Lies, we cannot afford to let down our guard. You think those demons will be easy on you? You think they will only give 20% of their energy in trying to take you down? They go in full force, in legions, in desperation, in all spite, contempt, hatred and corruption they will do everything they can, with all the power and intelligence they have as once-angels to take the Children of God down.
Sometimes, I feel this bit of "hey maybe I should be embarrassed by what I'm saying, I sound like a fanatic!" Then I snapped myself out of this half-heartedness and say "hello, don't be such a face-loving wimp."
Do I exaggerate? I don't think I even tell half the reality of the truth. St Teresa of Avila wrote that that Christ had allowed her a glimpse of the room in hell the devils had prepared for her, and she living in a state of somnolence even as a professed bride of Christ. St Therese repeatedly affirmed her desire to be a saint, "My God, I choose everything -- I will not be a saint by halves."
In the writings of the Blessed Anne Emmerich, she wrote that the greatest suffering Jesus had at the Garden of Gethsamane was due to the lukewarm believers.
What does the bible say about tepidity? Rev 3:16.
I'm not saying this to condemn, but because of this urge in me. Because I am lukewarm myself. I don't think it's a one-time thing that we become strong-hearted believers, but it is always a fight against lukewarmness. I see so much in myself that I still have to give up, and to push forward in spiritual growth. Yet I do still need patience with my progress, or else I would want to be perfect for the sake of my own glory only. I can try to tell A that she has to lead a more faithful life, however I will be even more convincing witness if I work on my own holiness instead. Actions, more than mere words.
It's not all fire and brimstone though, that I want to be a saint is not because I don't want to go to Hell. (but of course, I don't want to go there also lah). I want to be a saint because...because I can't fool myself, I know when I'm being weak and making excuses not to give up certain things, to sacrifice. I know when I indulge in self-love. God's love is the biggest draw, because He loves, that I want to give Him back what love I can, and it is best done by striving to live in Him, in His words.
So God's love has rescued me from my tendency to want to be an underachiever, to be easy-going about life and not serious about work. I still am, but at least now I know it's my excuse at mediocrity, and a basic weakness rather than a positive lack of ambition or false humility.
Anyways, I think it's really interesting. I used to wish life was more interesting, and imagined myself as a protagonist fighting a battle against evil forces in this otherwise boring world. Like Sailor Moon who believes that love triumphs everything.
And yah, God has a sense of humour. Because in reality, we all are like Sailor Moons, or whatever superheroes there are. And Love indeed triumphs everything. However, unlike Sailor Moon, I am not the Saviour of the World, or the heroine of the world. Like Sailor Moon, I am a soldier of Light and Love. EHEHEH corny, but it is so.
So that's why lah, my childhood wannabe ambition (and even up to now) is to be Sailor Moon and I also think God's sense of humour is not my type but what to do. I look at all the events in my life and realise it has always been guided, but not in a way I expected.
So let me tell you this story...
Once, when she was travelling to one of her convents, St. Teresa of Ávila was knocked off her donkey and fell into the mud, injuring her leg. “Lord,” she said, “you couldn’t have picked a worse time for this to happen. Why would you let this happen?”
And the response in prayer that she heard was, “That is how I treat my friends.”
Teresa answered, “And that is why you have so few of them!”
And that sums up some of my feelings towards God, a dramatic "WEII WHY U LIDDAT ONE!!"
But always with Love and Joy of course. Saints are actually, really, really happy and funny people. In spite of all the troubles and struggles they go through (and God's sometimes really strange sense of humour).
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Of Truth.
Oh oh, I forgot. So yesterday I had to talk about abortion with one client and I was thinking "whoa whoa whoaaaa, isn't it a little too early in my career for me to start facing this dilemma already??" I haven't even started my career yet!
Anyway with the recent "equality" and "human rights", "free love" and "marriage for all" issues snowballing into its current state, I told my colleague today that I foresee that next time it's not a matter of stating our beliefs anymore, but that we will have to actively fight to express and keep our beliefs next time.
I think even now the tide has already turn. Seriously, try posting something like 'I support traditional marriage' and let the good times roll hahaha.
"To pass from theological and philosophical truth, to the truth of civil business; it will be acknowledged even by those that practise it not, that clear and round dealing is the honour of man’s nature; and that mixture of falsehood is like allay in coin of gold and silver, which may make the metal work the better, but it embaseth it. For these winding and crooked courses are the goings of the serpent; which goeth basely upon the belly, and not upon the feet." — Francis Bacon, Of Truth
Anyway with the recent "equality" and "human rights", "free love" and "marriage for all" issues snowballing into its current state, I told my colleague today that I foresee that next time it's not a matter of stating our beliefs anymore, but that we will have to actively fight to express and keep our beliefs next time.
I think even now the tide has already turn. Seriously, try posting something like 'I support traditional marriage' and let the good times roll hahaha.
"To pass from theological and philosophical truth, to the truth of civil business; it will be acknowledged even by those that practise it not, that clear and round dealing is the honour of man’s nature; and that mixture of falsehood is like allay in coin of gold and silver, which may make the metal work the better, but it embaseth it. For these winding and crooked courses are the goings of the serpent; which goeth basely upon the belly, and not upon the feet." — Francis Bacon, Of Truth
Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Love Song for Number 1
The world is a fractured one -- as it has ever been since the Fall, as it will always be until God comes again.
However, that is not to say that we are abandoned, left alone to the enemy's machinations and devices. 2,000 years ago, God came down to be with us, leaving His promise -- to be with us till the end of time. The Big Truth Out There: God is in Our Midst.
Therefore, even when the battle seems so hard, when the world seems to be upside-down and everyone against us, the fight has already been won. Love triumphs through all.
Anyways, what am I trying to say? Sometimes, I feel like people might see me as a fanatic. As someone who is so head over heels into God, it becomes hard to connect with me, since I always talk about Him. Like He's there. In front of me. Loving me.
Oh oops, there I go again.
It's strange of course, if I could see myself like this even just 2 years ago, I would have said "over my dead body." And yet, it's true. I have died. Died to self. Or least, trying every day. Not to be self-absorbed and stuck with my own worries, but to think about others. To reach out and touch others.
Truth Faith is Faithfulness, a constantly striving to keep the commandments of God, trying to live my best, to live in service to others, to love fiercely and live simply. Trying to put myself out there for people, not because I'm kind or what, but it's because it is what God asks of us. And because of Him in me, I could feel in my heart, the stirrings of love, care and concern for them.
Today, I had to call up a lady who, to put it simply, is hysterical. I get uncomfortable with extreme emotions, and this lady was in the midst of a berserk outburst. It's hard to deal with that, it's hard to still continue trying to help when people are not cooperative. At the end of the call, I was shaking somewhat, from the intensity of the encounter. I promised her I will call back and hung up.
So I did.
Even though it was really quite scary. But in the end, she thanked me for calling her back. For a lady who sounded so distressed, who said she has met too many liars in society who have broken her down until she is severely depressed, I think...it was really a big leap for her. Before that, a colleague had sat down with us and told us of his experiences with mentally-ill patients. There was one encounter that made him realise that they are actually victims of society, and from that day on, he treated them with more understanding.
I think my colleague's words are God-sent. Because it made me reflect on my experience with that lady too. Not to judge her so much, or feel frustrated, but instead, to try and feel her pain, to carry it with her. To understand that sometimes society can be so harsh to someone who just needs some help and do not know where to find it.
Today during lunch, my colleagues also started sharing really traumatic stories -- about their moms. And here I was thinking I had such problems. I was the only one who didn't tell mine, maybe it was a fear of opening up? Or perhaps it was because, we all have our crosses to bear. And I feel glad that in some little way, I could help bear a little of theirs. At the end of it, my colleague thanked us for not judging her. It was strange, I mean hearing people say that they were suicidal or that they wished death upon their loved ones? Not everyday conversation, it felt more like group therapy. Hahahah.
There is so much pain in the world, my heart breaks for those who go through it -- which is everyone. But, in the midst of it all, there is joy. How do I explain it? I don't know. I wish, I can absorb a little of everyone's pain, and through bearing them, through Christ, to transform these crosses into something beautiful -- into love. I told my colleagues that it comes to the point where suffering is love. Not in the masochistic sense, but because, because of the way we were redeemed.
The acceptance that life is not always gonna be a happy, peaceful one, that we will inevitably be faced with death, with struggles, with pain -- and then to offer this acceptance to God, trusting His greater plan in all of these. I think that is the meaning of what Freedom is -- Acceptance, and still being able to Love inspite of everything.
I told my colleague, as I always do after particularly stressful situations, "I don't wanna be a social worker already!" Sometimes I am joking. Sometimes. Hahahah. It's tough lor. God has a sense of humour. Really. Making this lepak, lazy, selfish, self-absorbed and scared of pain girl, become a social worker who feels everyone's pain.
Actually, reading through textbooks and going through lessons, they all teach you to keep your boundaries, to not take the client's problems personally and feel too upset with them. I always thought this forced distance wasn't exactly right. It robs us of being, essentially human. Then I realised, the Christian way is not only to listen to people with your heart, but to take up their troubles as your own, and feel their pain, to really call them your brothers, your sisters, your fathers and mothers. Then, the Christian way is to take up these troubles, offer them and the person to God, let him make all things new, while you are only the instrument and it is not your power or doing for people to be healed -- so no one can boast or force reality to suit them.
Long post. Not something that I can tell my supervisors I think. But instead of feeling burn-out and burdened by the lady, now I feel happy that I can take her troubles and pray for her, and try my best to help...and trust that God will work miracles.
However, that is not to say that we are abandoned, left alone to the enemy's machinations and devices. 2,000 years ago, God came down to be with us, leaving His promise -- to be with us till the end of time. The Big Truth Out There: God is in Our Midst.
Therefore, even when the battle seems so hard, when the world seems to be upside-down and everyone against us, the fight has already been won. Love triumphs through all.
Anyways, what am I trying to say? Sometimes, I feel like people might see me as a fanatic. As someone who is so head over heels into God, it becomes hard to connect with me, since I always talk about Him. Like He's there. In front of me. Loving me.
Oh oops, there I go again.
It's strange of course, if I could see myself like this even just 2 years ago, I would have said "over my dead body." And yet, it's true. I have died. Died to self. Or least, trying every day. Not to be self-absorbed and stuck with my own worries, but to think about others. To reach out and touch others.
Truth Faith is Faithfulness, a constantly striving to keep the commandments of God, trying to live my best, to live in service to others, to love fiercely and live simply. Trying to put myself out there for people, not because I'm kind or what, but it's because it is what God asks of us. And because of Him in me, I could feel in my heart, the stirrings of love, care and concern for them.
Today, I had to call up a lady who, to put it simply, is hysterical. I get uncomfortable with extreme emotions, and this lady was in the midst of a berserk outburst. It's hard to deal with that, it's hard to still continue trying to help when people are not cooperative. At the end of the call, I was shaking somewhat, from the intensity of the encounter. I promised her I will call back and hung up.
So I did.
Even though it was really quite scary. But in the end, she thanked me for calling her back. For a lady who sounded so distressed, who said she has met too many liars in society who have broken her down until she is severely depressed, I think...it was really a big leap for her. Before that, a colleague had sat down with us and told us of his experiences with mentally-ill patients. There was one encounter that made him realise that they are actually victims of society, and from that day on, he treated them with more understanding.
I think my colleague's words are God-sent. Because it made me reflect on my experience with that lady too. Not to judge her so much, or feel frustrated, but instead, to try and feel her pain, to carry it with her. To understand that sometimes society can be so harsh to someone who just needs some help and do not know where to find it.
Today during lunch, my colleagues also started sharing really traumatic stories -- about their moms. And here I was thinking I had such problems. I was the only one who didn't tell mine, maybe it was a fear of opening up? Or perhaps it was because, we all have our crosses to bear. And I feel glad that in some little way, I could help bear a little of theirs. At the end of it, my colleague thanked us for not judging her. It was strange, I mean hearing people say that they were suicidal or that they wished death upon their loved ones? Not everyday conversation, it felt more like group therapy. Hahahah.
There is so much pain in the world, my heart breaks for those who go through it -- which is everyone. But, in the midst of it all, there is joy. How do I explain it? I don't know. I wish, I can absorb a little of everyone's pain, and through bearing them, through Christ, to transform these crosses into something beautiful -- into love. I told my colleagues that it comes to the point where suffering is love. Not in the masochistic sense, but because, because of the way we were redeemed.
The acceptance that life is not always gonna be a happy, peaceful one, that we will inevitably be faced with death, with struggles, with pain -- and then to offer this acceptance to God, trusting His greater plan in all of these. I think that is the meaning of what Freedom is -- Acceptance, and still being able to Love inspite of everything.
I told my colleague, as I always do after particularly stressful situations, "I don't wanna be a social worker already!" Sometimes I am joking. Sometimes. Hahahah. It's tough lor. God has a sense of humour. Really. Making this lepak, lazy, selfish, self-absorbed and scared of pain girl, become a social worker who feels everyone's pain.
Actually, reading through textbooks and going through lessons, they all teach you to keep your boundaries, to not take the client's problems personally and feel too upset with them. I always thought this forced distance wasn't exactly right. It robs us of being, essentially human. Then I realised, the Christian way is not only to listen to people with your heart, but to take up their troubles as your own, and feel their pain, to really call them your brothers, your sisters, your fathers and mothers. Then, the Christian way is to take up these troubles, offer them and the person to God, let him make all things new, while you are only the instrument and it is not your power or doing for people to be healed -- so no one can boast or force reality to suit them.
Long post. Not something that I can tell my supervisors I think. But instead of feeling burn-out and burdened by the lady, now I feel happy that I can take her troubles and pray for her, and try my best to help...and trust that God will work miracles.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Steady, get set, rock!
So I finally did it.
What?
Sigh. Well here it goes.
A month ago...
Heidi was so glad that an intern had finally come to work at her attachment site. So much load and worry off her back! Since this intern was organized, meticulous and able to be at the site every day (traits that Heidi unfortunatelylacks do not have much of), she helped out a lot with the project Heidi was perpetually suffering a mild case of apoplexy from!
Ok anyways it's weird to be speaking in third person form. Let me go straight to the point. You remembered I kept whining about thepeople politics at my site? So I wanted to find out how this intern was handling it, was it just me who experienced it, or was intern suffering too?
So I asked her, "how do you find your attachment so far?"
Intern was non-committal, "it's ok."
I was thinking, she's really rather neutral about it isn't she? Usually when people are neutral about something, they are just trying their best to be polite.
So intern doesn't really want to say anything, I also didn't probe much.
Until one day, when I had to go counsel a girl, the staff were saying things like "she always lies", generally not very nice things. I used to get really perplexed and discomfited that they are so openly prejudiced...who am I kidding, I still am.
However intern caught my eye and said "don't mind them". AHA! You know me right, I'm usually like this bulldog or hunting dog that has alert ears and a scent for people's thoughts.
When I probed further, it turns out intern was really discomfited by the staff too! She finally opened up and said, she didn't get how come they could be like that. And we mulled over it. "But then it's maybe because they are not social-work trained too..." We both tried to excuse them.
I told intern of my woes with the situation (as usual, Heidi needs to let out her frustration). Then she asked me, why don't I just tell my supervisor?
"Cuz I don't wanna rock the boat." The Wimp said. Intern looked slightly disapproving.
And I, I was left having this phrase resound in my head and heart. "I don't wanna rock the boat....rock the boat...rock the boat..." not for a day, or two...but for a month! In fact it keeps coming up to me, haunting me, making me feel like I was some how already failing as a social worker. Even thinking all those glorious thoughts about standing up for the poor and oppressed.
Here was my very first dilemma, making me question my principles and courage and I already failed.
Until that day. That ordinary day that turned out...
-story to be continued-
What?
Sigh. Well here it goes.
A month ago...
Heidi was so glad that an intern had finally come to work at her attachment site. So much load and worry off her back! Since this intern was organized, meticulous and able to be at the site every day (traits that Heidi unfortunately
Ok anyways it's weird to be speaking in third person form. Let me go straight to the point. You remembered I kept whining about the
So I asked her, "how do you find your attachment so far?"
Intern was non-committal, "it's ok."
I was thinking, she's really rather neutral about it isn't she? Usually when people are neutral about something, they are just trying their best to be polite.
So intern doesn't really want to say anything, I also didn't probe much.
Until one day, when I had to go counsel a girl, the staff were saying things like "she always lies", generally not very nice things. I used to get really perplexed and discomfited that they are so openly prejudiced...who am I kidding, I still am.
However intern caught my eye and said "don't mind them". AHA! You know me right, I'm usually like this bulldog or hunting dog that has alert ears and a scent for people's thoughts.
When I probed further, it turns out intern was really discomfited by the staff too! She finally opened up and said, she didn't get how come they could be like that. And we mulled over it. "But then it's maybe because they are not social-work trained too..." We both tried to excuse them.
I told intern of my woes with the situation (as usual, Heidi needs to let out her frustration). Then she asked me, why don't I just tell my supervisor?
"Cuz I don't wanna rock the boat." The Wimp said. Intern looked slightly disapproving.
And I, I was left having this phrase resound in my head and heart. "I don't wanna rock the boat....rock the boat...rock the boat..." not for a day, or two...but for a month! In fact it keeps coming up to me, haunting me, making me feel like I was some how already failing as a social worker. Even thinking all those glorious thoughts about standing up for the poor and oppressed.
Here was my very first dilemma, making me question my principles and courage and I already failed.
Until that day. That ordinary day that turned out...
-story to be continued-
Monday, June 24, 2013
For the kingdom of heaven is theirs
Jesus said that to get to the kingdom of heaven, we must all become children. I don't think he meant that we are to be childish, or to get younger and younger. I think it really means to be brave, to be forgiving, to be loving, to let go of grudges and to go to God knowing that you don't always have to know everything.
I am always in awe of children, at their sense of wonder, at their willingness to pay attention to you and at their gift of laughing at the little things in life. I love children... And when I grow up, I want to be like them.
While doing counselling with the girls, I always have a worry in the back of my mind - what if I'm just further damaging them? Yet I don't see them as somehow lesser than me, or that I'm more in control of my life than them. One inspiring social worker said, "if you have never gone through sorrow in your life, how do you expect to help others heal theirs?"
These girls have been through a lot, seen many things, done many things. However what surprises me is still this innocence in them that is not just found in those who have had relatively smooth-sailing lives. There's a purity of heart that still responds to love, care and concern in them. A consideration for others you might not find even among those without records.
God - always so simple, always so profound, always had a soft spot for sinners. For He knew the most profound love and gratitude that could exist in those who had the most sins to forgive, who, without love, would have been utterly wretched and in pain.
That's why in the Bible it says that Jesus became man, to go through what we go through, to suffer what we suffer, so that He could bring us more fully to the Father. A God who empathises and wants above all to heal your wounds and for you to love and be loved.
From these girls and children, I have much to learn. I need to learn to be like St John - that I may decrease and He may increase, so that through me, the Love of God could reach out and embrace them.
I am always in awe of children, at their sense of wonder, at their willingness to pay attention to you and at their gift of laughing at the little things in life. I love children... And when I grow up, I want to be like them.
While doing counselling with the girls, I always have a worry in the back of my mind - what if I'm just further damaging them? Yet I don't see them as somehow lesser than me, or that I'm more in control of my life than them. One inspiring social worker said, "if you have never gone through sorrow in your life, how do you expect to help others heal theirs?"
These girls have been through a lot, seen many things, done many things. However what surprises me is still this innocence in them that is not just found in those who have had relatively smooth-sailing lives. There's a purity of heart that still responds to love, care and concern in them. A consideration for others you might not find even among those without records.
God - always so simple, always so profound, always had a soft spot for sinners. For He knew the most profound love and gratitude that could exist in those who had the most sins to forgive, who, without love, would have been utterly wretched and in pain.
That's why in the Bible it says that Jesus became man, to go through what we go through, to suffer what we suffer, so that He could bring us more fully to the Father. A God who empathises and wants above all to heal your wounds and for you to love and be loved.
From these girls and children, I have much to learn. I need to learn to be like St John - that I may decrease and He may increase, so that through me, the Love of God could reach out and embrace them.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Who is that girl I see, staring back at me...Uh, don't think it's my reflection leh...
Finally there's some respite from the haze, after a few days of Singapore's almost-national-disaster.
I finally understand how a salmon would feel like now. Or ducks, or bacon. Or whatever that people can come out with that tastes better smoked.
Despite the general business, I managed to go out with some friends. Although there's a sort of guilt in my mind that I could have visited grandma instead. I wanted to on Thurs, however the haze was so bad then I didn't feel up to braving the terrible conditions.
Next few days are looking to be busy too. Nevertheless I need to make the trip down to TTSH. Before I regret it.
Met up with Bad girls, while we were laughing I felt like I was in a movie, observing myself, looking at them with sparkles in my eyes in soft focus mode thinking, "how lucky I am to have such (weird) friends."
Also made up with TB (not the disease) and SF yesterday. It's always amusing meeting up with them and hearing SF describe her experiences.
I managed to convince SY to go down for Church lessons with me! And TB too, perhaps I'll just check on her once in a while again.
SF and TB were talking about how they live their lives like going through a motion, SF feels bored in Singapore and wants to go somewhere to experience something new. She was also telling us how creepy her office is during the night time, with several colleagues hearing foot steps, voices calling their names and tables shaking. All except for one colleague ran away whenever they experience these sort of things. She say that brave colleague just have faith and ignore the voices and stuff like that. Oh and that colleague has a sister who is a nun. "That means she is Catholic!" I exclaimed. No wonder.(which also reminds me, I've had another classmate who told me that he's always haunted by these things, including seeing a lady in red. Eeks. I told him to use holy water. Like I told SF and TB too. HAHAHA Catholics and their holy water. BECAUSE IT IS EFFECTIVE GUYS.)
I think we all live through the motions sometimes, especially in an urban area working in office jobs. There's just not enough time to slow down, walk through nature and contemplate about the meaning of life. We are all too busy rushing somewhere, trying to make ends meet, and enjoying ourselves during our spare time.
Which I think is really tragic. I bet some people secretly enjoy the haze situation because hey! It's something new and exciting! Actually, I also enjoy it sometimes, the feeling of being in a movie and being in disaster-fighting mode.
I'm glad I work at where I am now, not only the organisation, but the location. Situated in Geylang, with many cats to say hi too (not sure if still alive due to haze), watching the people ply their trade sadly, looking at uncles and aunties, eating cheap hawker food, and just away from the rush and buzz of everything.
Anyways, I've been recommending to everyone I can, about something they could try out -- travelling 900km from France to Spain -- on foot. Will talk about that more next time.
As of now I am thinking of reflecting more and writing and updating my blog more. Last time got a lot of time, can craft out blog responses. Nowadays, as a groan-up I am not able to laugh at myself too much any more. So I shall try to do that more often.
BUAHAHAHAHAH.
Siao.
I finally understand how a salmon would feel like now. Or ducks, or bacon. Or whatever that people can come out with that tastes better smoked.
Despite the general business, I managed to go out with some friends. Although there's a sort of guilt in my mind that I could have visited grandma instead. I wanted to on Thurs, however the haze was so bad then I didn't feel up to braving the terrible conditions.
Next few days are looking to be busy too. Nevertheless I need to make the trip down to TTSH. Before I regret it.
Met up with Bad girls, while we were laughing I felt like I was in a movie, observing myself, looking at them with sparkles in my eyes in soft focus mode thinking, "how lucky I am to have such (weird) friends."
Also made up with TB (not the disease) and SF yesterday. It's always amusing meeting up with them and hearing SF describe her experiences.
I managed to convince SY to go down for Church lessons with me! And TB too, perhaps I'll just check on her once in a while again.
SF and TB were talking about how they live their lives like going through a motion, SF feels bored in Singapore and wants to go somewhere to experience something new. She was also telling us how creepy her office is during the night time, with several colleagues hearing foot steps, voices calling their names and tables shaking. All except for one colleague ran away whenever they experience these sort of things. She say that brave colleague just have faith and ignore the voices and stuff like that. Oh and that colleague has a sister who is a nun. "That means she is Catholic!" I exclaimed. No wonder.(which also reminds me, I've had another classmate who told me that he's always haunted by these things, including seeing a lady in red. Eeks. I told him to use holy water. Like I told SF and TB too. HAHAHA Catholics and their holy water. BECAUSE IT IS EFFECTIVE GUYS.)
I think we all live through the motions sometimes, especially in an urban area working in office jobs. There's just not enough time to slow down, walk through nature and contemplate about the meaning of life. We are all too busy rushing somewhere, trying to make ends meet, and enjoying ourselves during our spare time.
Which I think is really tragic. I bet some people secretly enjoy the haze situation because hey! It's something new and exciting! Actually, I also enjoy it sometimes, the feeling of being in a movie and being in disaster-fighting mode.
I'm glad I work at where I am now, not only the organisation, but the location. Situated in Geylang, with many cats to say hi too (not sure if still alive due to haze), watching the people ply their trade sadly, looking at uncles and aunties, eating cheap hawker food, and just away from the rush and buzz of everything.
Anyways, I've been recommending to everyone I can, about something they could try out -- travelling 900km from France to Spain -- on foot. Will talk about that more next time.
As of now I am thinking of reflecting more and writing and updating my blog more. Last time got a lot of time, can craft out blog responses. Nowadays, as a groan-up I am not able to laugh at myself too much any more. So I shall try to do that more often.
BUAHAHAHAHAH.
Siao.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Asparagus.
So today, some coincidences happened that made me come across Asperger's Syndrome.
I've already heard of that before, and even suspected I have it.
However today that feeling is growing to about 65-70%-80% that I have it.
Perhaps it's a little hypochondria, or a self-fulfilling prophecy. However it's not something that I use to validate myself, or give excuses for being weird. It's just...reassuring? Comforting? Liberating to think about a diagnosis for things I thought were personality quirks.
I always had this sense of being out of touch, or on a different drum beat from the rest of the world -- even physically.
It's not something pleasant.
In fact, I wish I am a little bit more normal.
When you add up nail-biting, hand/thigh-rubbing, walking with a bouncy gait, having uncoordinated movements and being more clumsy than average, having frequent migraines, photosensitivity and sensitivity to scents, and sounds, speaking quickly and often rambling on, having obsessions (even with food), weird first impressions, avoidance of eye contact, too much self-focus when talking, seeming narcissism (but in reality not narcissist), anxiety/awkwardness in social situations, feeling fear of having to do physical activities that requires coordination... etc etc
Or laughing out loud of the blue? Sometimes black and white thinking? Needing people to clarify thoughts, words and actions? Sometimes encyclopedic knowledge on the randomnest, most boring stuff. Talking endlessly about a subject (ergh can't control it). Freakish long-term memory, difficulty reading social/emotional cues, misunderstanding people's words and gestures, sharing in order to reach out, monopolising conversation...
Aiyo so much. And plus, irritable bowel syndrome, lactose intolerance. Aiya enough. Anyways it's all manageable. Although when I read that part about bonding with animals and treating them as family/friends, sometimes almost exclusively. I felt this little wave of sadness. And the part where friends have ended friendships suddenly and person does not understand why.
Ok lah, I say so much, maybe I don't have Asperger's at all.
I don't like it. Whatever I have. I don't like it at all. It is hard.
Actually ah...being a Catholic really helps all these social anxieties and ruminations over the meaning of life! It's really a huge gift, so I'm thankful for that. Because when God is with you, what can be against you? Nuffin!
Oh for traits of Adult Females with Asperger's, cuz you never know you might have it too! Heh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa_V8v7Eqrk
I've already heard of that before, and even suspected I have it.
However today that feeling is growing to about 65-70%-80% that I have it.
Perhaps it's a little hypochondria, or a self-fulfilling prophecy. However it's not something that I use to validate myself, or give excuses for being weird. It's just...reassuring? Comforting? Liberating to think about a diagnosis for things I thought were personality quirks.
I always had this sense of being out of touch, or on a different drum beat from the rest of the world -- even physically.
It's not something pleasant.
In fact, I wish I am a little bit more normal.
When you add up nail-biting, hand/thigh-rubbing, walking with a bouncy gait, having uncoordinated movements and being more clumsy than average, having frequent migraines, photosensitivity and sensitivity to scents, and sounds, speaking quickly and often rambling on, having obsessions (even with food), weird first impressions, avoidance of eye contact, too much self-focus when talking, seeming narcissism (but in reality not narcissist), anxiety/awkwardness in social situations, feeling fear of having to do physical activities that requires coordination... etc etc
Or laughing out loud of the blue? Sometimes black and white thinking? Needing people to clarify thoughts, words and actions? Sometimes encyclopedic knowledge on the randomnest, most boring stuff. Talking endlessly about a subject (ergh can't control it). Freakish long-term memory, difficulty reading social/emotional cues, misunderstanding people's words and gestures, sharing in order to reach out, monopolising conversation...
Aiyo so much. And plus, irritable bowel syndrome, lactose intolerance. Aiya enough. Anyways it's all manageable. Although when I read that part about bonding with animals and treating them as family/friends, sometimes almost exclusively. I felt this little wave of sadness. And the part where friends have ended friendships suddenly and person does not understand why.
Ok lah, I say so much, maybe I don't have Asperger's at all.
I don't like it. Whatever I have. I don't like it at all. It is hard.
Actually ah...being a Catholic really helps all these social anxieties and ruminations over the meaning of life! It's really a huge gift, so I'm thankful for that. Because when God is with you, what can be against you? Nuffin!
Oh for traits of Adult Females with Asperger's, cuz you never know you might have it too! Heh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa_V8v7Eqrk
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
That Winter, the Wind Blows
I have been watching this drama call, 'That Winter, The Wind Blows'.
I have this peculiarity.
I usually don't finish watching dramas to the end, I can be watching many dramas at the same time but will usually stop around the halfway or nearer the ending.
I took 7 years to finish watching Da Chang Jing, every time I watch, I stop at the last disc. I think it's because I don't wanna say goodbye to the drama. Every time I finish watching one, there will be this angst in my heart. Not watching it to the finish makes me feel like the drama has never ended.
Weird right.
Anyways, I think I will finish watching this drama to the end, although it has already reached the point where I usually (not deliberately) stop watching. Wah I tell you, I have to snort many times during this drama because it's so unbelievable. Not the storyline -- the beauty of the actors.
Song Hye Gyo and Jo In Sung are quite possibly, one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. I mean, I have often wondered, how come those people in the drama never comment on the lead actors' good-lookingness? If it were me right, I will surely keep mentioning it one lor. That is why Korean dramas are so unreal. Nobody ever stop short and gawk at the character's gorgeousness. Like for real.
There are soooo many close-up shorts in this drama, the most I have ever seen of any drama. I think it's because the director wants to capitalise on the beauty of these two main actors. Seriously. Flawless.
I have this peculiarity.
I usually don't finish watching dramas to the end, I can be watching many dramas at the same time but will usually stop around the halfway or nearer the ending.
I took 7 years to finish watching Da Chang Jing, every time I watch, I stop at the last disc. I think it's because I don't wanna say goodbye to the drama. Every time I finish watching one, there will be this angst in my heart. Not watching it to the finish makes me feel like the drama has never ended.
Weird right.
Anyways, I think I will finish watching this drama to the end, although it has already reached the point where I usually (not deliberately) stop watching. Wah I tell you, I have to snort many times during this drama because it's so unbelievable. Not the storyline -- the beauty of the actors.
Song Hye Gyo and Jo In Sung are quite possibly, one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. I mean, I have often wondered, how come those people in the drama never comment on the lead actors' good-lookingness? If it were me right, I will surely keep mentioning it one lor. That is why Korean dramas are so unreal. Nobody ever stop short and gawk at the character's gorgeousness. Like for real.
There are soooo many close-up shorts in this drama, the most I have ever seen of any drama. I think it's because the director wants to capitalise on the beauty of these two main actors. Seriously. Flawless.
Ok nah, I put up an average shot of the main female actor, and one where she is crying some more. Where are the pimples?? Where are the flaws?? Or pores??
Here's the main actor:
Ok just kidding. Though he's not bad too. Got charisma.
Here is the main actor, also crying. Flawless right. My skin also not so good lor.
But he is reallly, chincha handsome man. Tall, suave, pale and gorgeous. Robert, what Robert, this is what Edward should look like!
Yah so not only me, but the rest of the drama watchers who comment also keep awing of the their beauty.
And cannot say look good only ah, because these two are very fine actors too. Keeps making me wanna cry.
Oh they play siblings in the show.
HAHAH incest much! But fake one lah.
Later people think why I got so much time to watch Korean dramas, it's because I've been sick for almost a week lah. Got MC for many days! Being sick not so fun, but the MCs are definitely great. I think it's almost God's way of letting me rest after that horrible week last week.
Not only me but three people in my office have the same kind of illness! Don't know what kinda virus running about infecting people.
It has been almost a week of silence (on my part). Literally. I realise how much we actually take our voices for granted. My voice is sort of coming back slowly, though I can't really talk much still. I think not being able to talk, is also a rest for me. There's kind of a certain freedom in not needing to talk. An inconvenience, but strangely, liberating.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
For the Kingdom of God is Within You.
There are so many, so many things to be said about this situation.
I know it comes across as trite almost, when I say God's hand still guides, even in the midst of tragedies.
Every time I think about how terrible it must feel for the teacher, and for the family...
I know, despite everything, there is still meaning in this. Throughout the whole of the organization's history, there has never been such a death occurring. Decades, hundreds of thousands of volunteers, and yet this...
I thought I have already shed enough tears over the incident, but this is greater yet...
That family has chosen to donate all proceeds from the funeral to us.
When I saw this message, I thank God for His infinite mercies, for His guiding the family, for the family's kindness. Not for the monetary donation itself, but for the act. That act of forgiveness, understanding and acceptance.
I always thought that I knew all about death -- it is inevitable, it happens, it is sad yes, but life goes on...
I don't know enough.
Death humbles, strips life of all its useless veneers. For a family that has just lost a loved one, death might have seem to take away. But here it is, they have chosen to give away instead. God has given the truth: "O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting?"
Monday, May 27, 2013
Hour of Divine Mercy.
At about 3+pm, I felt the urge to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy.
Sometimes I try to pray it, but recently it keeps slipping my mind, or I get too lazy and distracted to pray it. Today however, it was almost as if I had to force myself to pray it. Force myself from a mindless, stupid distraction that would otherwise have occupied this time.
3pm is the Hour of the Divine Mercy, it is when Jesus died on the Cross, and blood and water gushed forth from His side for the salvation of the world. I offered that prayer, especially to those who were dying at the moment and needed those prayers.
It was the promise of Christ to St Faustina that this prayer, said for the dying, confers great mercy on the soul at the time of his death.
I wanted to leave the office at 5pm today to attend a wake. However I decided to stay on for a while. Something stayed my departure. Then a call came for me, and I just had this feeling it was for me, and my colleague told me it's bad news.
"Har, what is bad news?" I said, expecting perhaps a cancellation, or complaint.
"I think you better pick up your call."
Over on the phone was a colleague in another country telling me about the school team I had sent, I braced myself for an injury or hospitalisation, since we do encounter that.
"...heart attack...passed away...about 3+pm"
I always read in books about blood running cold, heart stopping, or state of shock.
I know to some extent some of these feelings, but I think, never in my life do I want to have to receive a call like that again.
It was as if my body separated into two, I had gone cold, shocked and a little numb, almost unable to think. But a voice was telling me, instructing me on what questions to ask, on keeping my calm and presence of mind, and also to repeat the words out loud so my other colleagues can hear what is going on.
I could process my reactions, that I was tearing, I could understand that I was feeling shocked, and feeling sad, but somehow, it was harder to process that someone had died. Someone young.
Someone died on my watch.
A while later I was telling my colleague about it, it was then I realised that at that time I made the prayer, was around the time the incident happened.
Just today, I was musing that there have been many deaths recently. At moments like this, it brings home so close how fragile we really are, only God can carry you through this. Sounds cliche but it's true. You never know how invincible you thought you were until something happens.
I had to stay in the office till late for crisis control, I took a cab intending to go back home. I changed my mind along the way however, and still went for the wake I intended to go for earlier. The wake comforted me, strangely. It was a Christian wake, filled with such peace, love and the rememberance of a good character, a life well-spent. We are called at different stages of our lives, but everything in its time.
Even amidst death and sorrow, I still saw God's merciful hand throughout. Just on Sunday, and even today, I kept reminding myself to say "yes" to everytime God calls. The moment at 3+pm, I didn't know then, was a yes, to an insistent call.
Please, may God guide the family, the involved persons through this. Have mercy on us, and you cover us with your hand in this.
One of the best means of assisting the dying is the one that Jesus revealed to St. Faustina and insisted that she use often — even continuously: The Divine Mercy Chaplet. Jesus said: "My daughter, encourage souls to say the chaplet which I have given to you. It pleases Me to grant everything they ask of Me by saying the chaplet. ... Write that when they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will stand between My Father and the dying person, not as the just Judge but as the merciful SaviorDiary, 1541). (
Earlier, Our Lord said to her, "At the hour of their death, I defend as My own glory every soul that will say this chaplet; or when others say it for a dying person, the indulgence is the same" (Diary, 811).
What if the person prays from a distance? Saint Faustina had a love for the sick and dying, and prayed for them with great fervor. The following experiences recorded in her Diary make it clear that one does not have to be at the bedside physically. She wrote, "It sometimes happens that the dying person is in the second or third building away, yet for the spirit, space does not exist. It sometimes happens that I know about a death occurring several hundred kilometers away. This has happened several times with regard to my family and relatives and also sisters in religion, and even souls whom I have not known during their lifetime" (Diary, 835).
"'My daughter, help Me to save a certain dying sinner. Say the chaplet that I have taught you for him.'Diary, 1565). When I began to say the chaplet, I saw the man dying in the midst of terrible torment and struggle. His Guardian Angel was defending him, but he was, as it were, powerless against the enormity of the soul's misery. A multitude of devils was waiting for the soul. But while I was saying the chaplet, I saw Jesus just as He is depicted in the image. The rays which issued from Jesus' Heart enveloped the sick man, and the powers of darkness fled in panic. The sick man peacefully breathed his last. When I came to myself, I understood how very important the chaplet was for the dying. It appeases the anger of God."
Sometimes I try to pray it, but recently it keeps slipping my mind, or I get too lazy and distracted to pray it. Today however, it was almost as if I had to force myself to pray it. Force myself from a mindless, stupid distraction that would otherwise have occupied this time.
3pm is the Hour of the Divine Mercy, it is when Jesus died on the Cross, and blood and water gushed forth from His side for the salvation of the world. I offered that prayer, especially to those who were dying at the moment and needed those prayers.
It was the promise of Christ to St Faustina that this prayer, said for the dying, confers great mercy on the soul at the time of his death.
I wanted to leave the office at 5pm today to attend a wake. However I decided to stay on for a while. Something stayed my departure. Then a call came for me, and I just had this feeling it was for me, and my colleague told me it's bad news.
"Har, what is bad news?" I said, expecting perhaps a cancellation, or complaint.
"I think you better pick up your call."
Over on the phone was a colleague in another country telling me about the school team I had sent, I braced myself for an injury or hospitalisation, since we do encounter that.
"...heart attack...passed away...about 3+pm"
I always read in books about blood running cold, heart stopping, or state of shock.
I know to some extent some of these feelings, but I think, never in my life do I want to have to receive a call like that again.
It was as if my body separated into two, I had gone cold, shocked and a little numb, almost unable to think. But a voice was telling me, instructing me on what questions to ask, on keeping my calm and presence of mind, and also to repeat the words out loud so my other colleagues can hear what is going on.
I could process my reactions, that I was tearing, I could understand that I was feeling shocked, and feeling sad, but somehow, it was harder to process that someone had died. Someone young.
Someone died on my watch.
A while later I was telling my colleague about it, it was then I realised that at that time I made the prayer, was around the time the incident happened.
Just today, I was musing that there have been many deaths recently. At moments like this, it brings home so close how fragile we really are, only God can carry you through this. Sounds cliche but it's true. You never know how invincible you thought you were until something happens.
I had to stay in the office till late for crisis control, I took a cab intending to go back home. I changed my mind along the way however, and still went for the wake I intended to go for earlier. The wake comforted me, strangely. It was a Christian wake, filled with such peace, love and the rememberance of a good character, a life well-spent. We are called at different stages of our lives, but everything in its time.
Even amidst death and sorrow, I still saw God's merciful hand throughout. Just on Sunday, and even today, I kept reminding myself to say "yes" to everytime God calls. The moment at 3+pm, I didn't know then, was a yes, to an insistent call.
Please, may God guide the family, the involved persons through this. Have mercy on us, and you cover us with your hand in this.
One of the best means of assisting the dying is the one that Jesus revealed to St. Faustina and insisted that she use often — even continuously: The Divine Mercy Chaplet. Jesus said: "My daughter, encourage souls to say the chaplet which I have given to you. It pleases Me to grant everything they ask of Me by saying the chaplet. ... Write that when they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will stand between My Father and the dying person, not as the just Judge but as the merciful SaviorDiary, 1541). (
Earlier, Our Lord said to her, "At the hour of their death, I defend as My own glory every soul that will say this chaplet; or when others say it for a dying person, the indulgence is the same" (Diary, 811).
What if the person prays from a distance? Saint Faustina had a love for the sick and dying, and prayed for them with great fervor. The following experiences recorded in her Diary make it clear that one does not have to be at the bedside physically. She wrote, "It sometimes happens that the dying person is in the second or third building away, yet for the spirit, space does not exist. It sometimes happens that I know about a death occurring several hundred kilometers away. This has happened several times with regard to my family and relatives and also sisters in religion, and even souls whom I have not known during their lifetime" (Diary, 835).
"'My daughter, help Me to save a certain dying sinner. Say the chaplet that I have taught you for him.'Diary, 1565). When I began to say the chaplet, I saw the man dying in the midst of terrible torment and struggle. His Guardian Angel was defending him, but he was, as it were, powerless against the enormity of the soul's misery. A multitude of devils was waiting for the soul. But while I was saying the chaplet, I saw Jesus just as He is depicted in the image. The rays which issued from Jesus' Heart enveloped the sick man, and the powers of darkness fled in panic. The sick man peacefully breathed his last. When I came to myself, I understood how very important the chaplet was for the dying. It appeases the anger of God."
Monday, May 06, 2013
Turning Tables
I woke up with a song in my head.
And I kept playing it over and over again.
I have had two invites today. Though one really isn't an 'invite', but a notice on where the wake will be held. Reading it made my heart clench, seeing a smiley pic of her on the net, in an effort to clearly remember her face. Because sometimes the things I remember most aren't faces, but the tone of voice. The feelings evoked, the understanding of a person. All of which goes beyond visuals, but to the character of the heart.
Another invite I had was to a wedding! A volunteer's wedding, and it made me smile and feel touched because we haven't really known each other for long. Yet we do hit off.
As with both cases, time was short but the memories lasting.
I know, God is with us. It isn't those trite sentiments, happy frilly stuff that attempts to hold on to the idea that God is somehow sad for you or happy for you, or doesn't want you to experience this, or is sorry for it.
In the bible, Jesus started his public ministry at a wedding, and ended it at His execution. From there he rose again, resurrected in all His glory to prove...something. Something I find hard to explain. But there it is, our lives, joys and sufferings necessarily entwined. At the end, a new beginning, not because we got through everything and survived the worse, but because everything passes away except for one.
Love Remains. (1 Cor 13:13)
And I kept playing it over and over again.
I have had two invites today. Though one really isn't an 'invite', but a notice on where the wake will be held. Reading it made my heart clench, seeing a smiley pic of her on the net, in an effort to clearly remember her face. Because sometimes the things I remember most aren't faces, but the tone of voice. The feelings evoked, the understanding of a person. All of which goes beyond visuals, but to the character of the heart.
Another invite I had was to a wedding! A volunteer's wedding, and it made me smile and feel touched because we haven't really known each other for long. Yet we do hit off.
As with both cases, time was short but the memories lasting.
I know, God is with us. It isn't those trite sentiments, happy frilly stuff that attempts to hold on to the idea that God is somehow sad for you or happy for you, or doesn't want you to experience this, or is sorry for it.
In the bible, Jesus started his public ministry at a wedding, and ended it at His execution. From there he rose again, resurrected in all His glory to prove...something. Something I find hard to explain. But there it is, our lives, joys and sufferings necessarily entwined. At the end, a new beginning, not because we got through everything and survived the worse, but because everything passes away except for one.
Love Remains. (1 Cor 13:13)
Friday, May 03, 2013
You Will Shine Like Stars in the Universe
Sometimes I like to test the level of my forgiveness/love via thought experiments.
If such and such thing happens to me, will I forgive my attacker?
If someone kills a loved one, will I forgive the murderer?
If I got stabbed like St. Maria Goretti or St. Agostina, in my dying moments, will I still be able to say "I forgive him"?
I like to think I can. I like to think that I won't let hate or anger overpower me, and let God do the judging.
Then I heard the news.
For the life of me, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't manage to sum up a higher level of mercy than of revenge/justice. Which means, my first inclination was that I had wished the murderers will get punished, dealt with a swift and heavy hand. Even now, I am not entirely sure whether my heart weighs more towards forgiveness and mercy.
And the lady isn't even someone I'm close to. If it's so hard, even for me, how much harder might it have been for the people who are affected?
Therefore, forgiveness...is really divine. It comes not from the human heart, but truly from God. He searches your heart and mind and inspires you -- if He detects the inclination and willingness to let go.
Mercy is not for the simpering souls, it requires much more bravery, courage, and fortitude than hate and anger.
So while I do not know how my feelings really are, I try to set my heart towards the direction of mercy, and pray God for the grace that my heart will be able to catch up with my will and mind.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.
Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times."
Note: The number 7 is very significant in the bible, denoting completeness, perfection, Godliness.
77 is perfection times perfection -- infinity. So what Jesus is saying here is that there should be no limit to forgiveness, and also that forgiveness is indeed divine. He Himself will aid you in this forgiveness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some little anecdotes.
My colleague has been feeling depressed and gloomy over a family matter these few days. I am not used to it, but sitting close together really gives me an intuitive sense of her mood. I try as much as possible to be the light of the world, and to be as close to my baptism name as I can.
Just recently she looked at me and sighed "so much hope and light-heartedness in you. I wish I can be as free as you."
I wish I am able to transmit some of that more to her. ( I even gave her a prayer card I had of St Jude-- the Saint of desperate cases! And also showed her the photo I had of St Padre Pio!) Unfortunately, I don't think they are able to take me seriously.
I wish I could let them now how thankful I am that these Saints, my brothers and sisters, are constantly interceding for me. I can almost feel this tangible force of their prayers enveloping me. One day when I go up to heaven to see them, I will say this "I am truly eternally grateful for your prayers."
Today, one of the girls from the hostel came back and slouched on the chair. I asked her how was her day, anything good happened? She couldn't think of anything, it was just a short journey to school anyway. What good can happen?
"Well, there is so much good! God is good."
"I know God is good. But I mean what good can there be?"
"Maybe the weather is good today, the sun wasn't so hot (she snorted), maybe someone said something nice to you today (nobody did), maybe someone helped out you (no one did!)...or maybe you said something nice to someone, or helped someone out?"
There is always good in this world.
If such and such thing happens to me, will I forgive my attacker?
If someone kills a loved one, will I forgive the murderer?
If I got stabbed like St. Maria Goretti or St. Agostina, in my dying moments, will I still be able to say "I forgive him"?
I like to think I can. I like to think that I won't let hate or anger overpower me, and let God do the judging.
Then I heard the news.
For the life of me, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't manage to sum up a higher level of mercy than of revenge/justice. Which means, my first inclination was that I had wished the murderers will get punished, dealt with a swift and heavy hand. Even now, I am not entirely sure whether my heart weighs more towards forgiveness and mercy.
And the lady isn't even someone I'm close to. If it's so hard, even for me, how much harder might it have been for the people who are affected?
Therefore, forgiveness...is really divine. It comes not from the human heart, but truly from God. He searches your heart and mind and inspires you -- if He detects the inclination and willingness to let go.
Mercy is not for the simpering souls, it requires much more bravery, courage, and fortitude than hate and anger.
So while I do not know how my feelings really are, I try to set my heart towards the direction of mercy, and pray God for the grace that my heart will be able to catch up with my will and mind.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.
Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times."
Note: The number 7 is very significant in the bible, denoting completeness, perfection, Godliness.
77 is perfection times perfection -- infinity. So what Jesus is saying here is that there should be no limit to forgiveness, and also that forgiveness is indeed divine. He Himself will aid you in this forgiveness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some little anecdotes.
My colleague has been feeling depressed and gloomy over a family matter these few days. I am not used to it, but sitting close together really gives me an intuitive sense of her mood. I try as much as possible to be the light of the world, and to be as close to my baptism name as I can.
Just recently she looked at me and sighed "so much hope and light-heartedness in you. I wish I can be as free as you."
I wish I am able to transmit some of that more to her. ( I even gave her a prayer card I had of St Jude-- the Saint of desperate cases! And also showed her the photo I had of St Padre Pio!) Unfortunately, I don't think they are able to take me seriously.
I wish I could let them now how thankful I am that these Saints, my brothers and sisters, are constantly interceding for me. I can almost feel this tangible force of their prayers enveloping me. One day when I go up to heaven to see them, I will say this "I am truly eternally grateful for your prayers."
Today, one of the girls from the hostel came back and slouched on the chair. I asked her how was her day, anything good happened? She couldn't think of anything, it was just a short journey to school anyway. What good can happen?
"Well, there is so much good! God is good."
"I know God is good. But I mean what good can there be?"
"Maybe the weather is good today, the sun wasn't so hot (she snorted), maybe someone said something nice to you today (nobody did), maybe someone helped out you (no one did!)...or maybe you said something nice to someone, or helped someone out?"
There is always good in this world.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
How to be perfect as You are?
Ok so many conflicts.
Am I too self-righteous?
Am I not receptive to criticism?
Am I not taking enough initiative?
Am I not taking enough responsibility?
Am I too trusting?
Should I be accepting of inappropriate behaviour?
Should I complain?
Should I distrust first?
Should I be wary and start making assumptions first?
How do I love and show love? How do I learn to accept humility?
How do I accept my crosses?
Can someone tell it to me, as it is?
I need advice. I need a supervisor. I need to talk to someone about this, that can analyse the situation and help me see some of the suggestions and objective perspective.
I also need some bit of affirmative support and concerned constructive criticism.
I need to stop the self-pity and frustration, without beating myself up over it.
I need to discuss this.
I am vague, because it is not always black and white, trigger, cause and effect, or sequential happenings. I am vague because what if people chance upon this blog?
And in the end, I am only, human.
Am I too self-righteous?
Am I not receptive to criticism?
Am I not taking enough initiative?
Am I not taking enough responsibility?
Am I too trusting?
Should I be accepting of inappropriate behaviour?
Should I complain?
Should I distrust first?
Should I be wary and start making assumptions first?
How do I love and show love? How do I learn to accept humility?
How do I accept my crosses?
Can someone tell it to me, as it is?
I need advice. I need a supervisor. I need to talk to someone about this, that can analyse the situation and help me see some of the suggestions and objective perspective.
I also need some bit of affirmative support and concerned constructive criticism.
I need to stop the self-pity and frustration, without beating myself up over it.
I need to discuss this.
I am vague, because it is not always black and white, trigger, cause and effect, or sequential happenings. I am vague because what if people chance upon this blog?
And in the end, I am only, human.
Monday, April 01, 2013
The Clarion Call
Sigh, I have heard disturbing news.
I was all guarded against the world, only to realise right under my nose under trouble is brewing.
People might say I take this too seriously, and I ask them back, if a doctor is holding a scalpel over your head, would you prefer her to take her job and what she believes in seriously?
The thing is, such are the times now, and such were the times then, people won't take you seriously if you take yourself seriously.
While someone might be exaggerating, or paranoid, do you automatically throw the baby out along with the bathwater?
If you don't stand for anything, in the belief that oh it's good to be tolerant and accepting and morals are relative -- you will fall for everything. You can understand the relevance of relativity, but if you then forgo the existence of absolutes, your existence is just a house built on cards.
Am I being a wet blanket here?
No.
Am I being vague?
Yes.
But if you think about it, truly ponder your life, its place, its meaning, and that of others around you, instead of living so caught up with what happens in life, but is not life itself, then perhaps you can get a sense that there is something...more.
Alright enough with all the mumbo jumbo.
Take this life, and your mission seriously, open your eyes and ears and heart and not be like a hamster running in a wheel, endlessly, repeatedly, without realising you're trapped in a cage created for entertainment. Don't be that helpless bait, even more helpless because you do not realise you're food for the dogs
I was all guarded against the world, only to realise right under my nose under trouble is brewing.
People might say I take this too seriously, and I ask them back, if a doctor is holding a scalpel over your head, would you prefer her to take her job and what she believes in seriously?
The thing is, such are the times now, and such were the times then, people won't take you seriously if you take yourself seriously.
While someone might be exaggerating, or paranoid, do you automatically throw the baby out along with the bathwater?
If you don't stand for anything, in the belief that oh it's good to be tolerant and accepting and morals are relative -- you will fall for everything. You can understand the relevance of relativity, but if you then forgo the existence of absolutes, your existence is just a house built on cards.
Am I being a wet blanket here?
No.
Am I being vague?
Yes.
But if you think about it, truly ponder your life, its place, its meaning, and that of others around you, instead of living so caught up with what happens in life, but is not life itself, then perhaps you can get a sense that there is something...more.
Alright enough with all the mumbo jumbo.
Take this life, and your mission seriously, open your eyes and ears and heart and not be like a hamster running in a wheel, endlessly, repeatedly, without realising you're trapped in a cage created for entertainment. Don't be that helpless bait, even more helpless because you do not realise you're food for the dogs
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
良辰美景, 别有天地
I thought I should go to Europe or Middle East for a pilgrimage, or retreat.
But I think it has always been my long-lost dreams to stay in a monastery in China. Specially, Emei shan, or Wudang.
Yeah it might be weird that a Roman Catholic wants to practise spirituality in a Daoist monastery.
There is a prayer of St Patrick's that goes:
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
And that will be in my mind, no matter where I am -- even in a Buddhist nunnery, a mosque, a temple, or anywhere I choose to taste and see the Glory of God.
So yes, my fantasy dream is to go to all the mystical chinese mountains surrounded by mist and dew, or multi-coloured lakes like Jiuzhaigou. Those places you only see in Ancient Chinese period dramas. In fact, I think much of the world's most profoundly beautiful sceneries are located in Asia...in China.
I have had the blessing to go to Lijiang in Yunnan, known as the Venice of the East. Actually, I think that is a misnomer. Lijiang is to be known by a class of its own. I still remember some small fragments of my memory there. Youthful immaturity and lack of knowledge of God didn't allow me to absorb how truly beautiful it was. But the memories I remember, horse rides through a forest, view of snow-capped mountains, amazement at the sheer number of stars in the sky, and other everyday scenery is still imprinted in my mind.
I enjoy the peace, the quietness, the lack of a rush. I enjoy the timelessness, the simplicity and the contentment. I would like to go again some day, and to other places, even if it's alone. (Although scaredy cat Heidi is a bit afraid that she'll get you know...kidnapped and stuff cuz she's a quite spunky kinda kid)
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.
I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a mulitude.
Christ shield me today
Against wounding
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of creation.
But I think it has always been my long-lost dreams to stay in a monastery in China. Specially, Emei shan, or Wudang.
Yeah it might be weird that a Roman Catholic wants to practise spirituality in a Daoist monastery.
There is a prayer of St Patrick's that goes:
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
And that will be in my mind, no matter where I am -- even in a Buddhist nunnery, a mosque, a temple, or anywhere I choose to taste and see the Glory of God.
So yes, my fantasy dream is to go to all the mystical chinese mountains surrounded by mist and dew, or multi-coloured lakes like Jiuzhaigou. Those places you only see in Ancient Chinese period dramas. In fact, I think much of the world's most profoundly beautiful sceneries are located in Asia...in China.
I have had the blessing to go to Lijiang in Yunnan, known as the Venice of the East. Actually, I think that is a misnomer. Lijiang is to be known by a class of its own. I still remember some small fragments of my memory there. Youthful immaturity and lack of knowledge of God didn't allow me to absorb how truly beautiful it was. But the memories I remember, horse rides through a forest, view of snow-capped mountains, amazement at the sheer number of stars in the sky, and other everyday scenery is still imprinted in my mind.
I enjoy the peace, the quietness, the lack of a rush. I enjoy the timelessness, the simplicity and the contentment. I would like to go again some day, and to other places, even if it's alone. (Although scaredy cat Heidi is a bit afraid that she'll get you know...kidnapped and stuff cuz she's a quite spunky kinda kid)
The Prayer of St. Patrick
I arise todayThrough the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.
I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a mulitude.
Christ shield me today
Against wounding
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of creation.
Monday, March 04, 2013
The Anchor-ite.
I used to think I was commitment-phobic; it was like a mental and physical aversion to being on intimate terms (not in the *ahem* physical way) with people around me. As a kid though, I think I did charm quite some people around me, with my cheerful, happy go lucky and carefree ways, most especially the girls. HAHAHA. And that makes me think that perhaps people, deep inside their hearts, wish for freedom in the same way.
Anyways, maybe one day God looked down and tsked-tsked at this strange little weird kid flitting around here and there, and never really settling in, and then commanded her to stop. And be chained.
And so it goes, from then on I get chained to many things. I didn't understand, even up to JC time, how people can get so attached to things. In my uncharitable state of mind, I was always looking down on them,(just read my entries dating 2005/2006) every few entries was always about freedom, flying away and/or getting married. Why getting married? Because I saw getting married to a rich, hot and tall husband was my ticket to everything I've ever wanted.
Once in a while, I like to read up on past entries, because it feels familiar and yet alien at the same time. Where is the insouciance that can only come with adolescent apathy, and that rebellious righteous anger at the imperfection of the world? And of course, the expletive-laden posts that makes me blink and think, "is that...me?
Right now I feel like a trapped wombat, with too many bonds and commitments. I always thought if humans can be described as particles, I would be gaseous (besides the farting part). Like helium. If I wasn't contained, I'll be pinging about and flying free before you know it. Although I strain at the non-chemical bonds, yet I still feel more at peace than I have ever been in those years. There is a longing to go back to that heck-care time, but it is probably a wistful nostalgia that happens now and then. But recently, I keep wanting to go for silent retreats, to withdraw into contemplative silence. In a monastic/hermit lifestyle, to be free from worldly attachments and belonging.
Anyways, the whole purpose of this entry, was actually for me to say that:
Today after I came out of the shower, I wrapped the towel around my head. Then I looked at the mirror and think: Wah not bad ah, I'll be quite a good-looking nun.
Anyways, maybe one day God looked down and tsked-tsked at this strange little weird kid flitting around here and there, and never really settling in, and then commanded her to stop. And be chained.
And so it goes, from then on I get chained to many things. I didn't understand, even up to JC time, how people can get so attached to things. In my uncharitable state of mind, I was always looking down on them,(just read my entries dating 2005/2006) every few entries was always about freedom, flying away and/or getting married. Why getting married? Because I saw getting married to a rich, hot and tall husband was my ticket to everything I've ever wanted.
Once in a while, I like to read up on past entries, because it feels familiar and yet alien at the same time. Where is the insouciance that can only come with adolescent apathy, and that rebellious righteous anger at the imperfection of the world? And of course, the expletive-laden posts that makes me blink and think, "is that...me?
Right now I feel like a trapped wombat, with too many bonds and commitments. I always thought if humans can be described as particles, I would be gaseous (besides the farting part). Like helium. If I wasn't contained, I'll be pinging about and flying free before you know it. Although I strain at the non-chemical bonds, yet I still feel more at peace than I have ever been in those years. There is a longing to go back to that heck-care time, but it is probably a wistful nostalgia that happens now and then. But recently, I keep wanting to go for silent retreats, to withdraw into contemplative silence. In a monastic/hermit lifestyle, to be free from worldly attachments and belonging.
Anyways, the whole purpose of this entry, was actually for me to say that:
Today after I came out of the shower, I wrapped the towel around my head. Then I looked at the mirror and think: Wah not bad ah, I'll be quite a good-looking nun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baggage - everyone has them. They come in a variety of size and shape, weight and content. Some people go through life feeling crushed, suffocated and strangled by theirs, some skip through, barely feeling the weight of their own. Some march on until they one day collapse from exhaustion and finally acknowledge the burden they carried all the while. While some manage to walk along normally until one day they keel over and in surprise, realise the existence of their baggage.
How do we deal with these weights? Or do we even deal with them at all? Perhaps they are an inevitable part of life, as we live and experience sorrow and pain. Maybe they are the remnants of childhood, forever there to prick your heart when you least expect it. Most probably, they'll haunt you through life, memories that will replay itself over and over again for years to come.
The passing of time would lighten some of these burdens, as rememberance steadily gets vague and scabs would grow over those old wounds. What happens if they don't go away?
Maybe one day, we'll finally find the courage to stop and put down the hurt and pain we've been carrying. We'll patiently, painstakingly, soothe the individual scars and put band-aids over them. That day could come early in the path of our lives, enabling us to walk on triumphantly and achieve things we otherwise couldn't. Or perhaps that day would come in the twilight of our years, while we're out on the porch drinking a glass of wine, gazing into the unforgotten past. After that, we'll then be able to smile at our children, our grandchildren with genuine joy and without the glimpse of regret reflecting from our eyes.
Until then, we'll have to draw in our breaths, hitch up our burdens, square our shoulders and plod on as gracefully as we can while being weighed down by our past and future hurts.
Baggage - everyone has them.
How do we deal with these weights? Or do we even deal with them at all? Perhaps they are an inevitable part of life, as we live and experience sorrow and pain. Maybe they are the remnants of childhood, forever there to prick your heart when you least expect it. Most probably, they'll haunt you through life, memories that will replay itself over and over again for years to come.
The passing of time would lighten some of these burdens, as rememberance steadily gets vague and scabs would grow over those old wounds. What happens if they don't go away?
Maybe one day, we'll finally find the courage to stop and put down the hurt and pain we've been carrying. We'll patiently, painstakingly, soothe the individual scars and put band-aids over them. That day could come early in the path of our lives, enabling us to walk on triumphantly and achieve things we otherwise couldn't. Or perhaps that day would come in the twilight of our years, while we're out on the porch drinking a glass of wine, gazing into the unforgotten past. After that, we'll then be able to smile at our children, our grandchildren with genuine joy and without the glimpse of regret reflecting from our eyes.
Until then, we'll have to draw in our breaths, hitch up our burdens, square our shoulders and plod on as gracefully as we can while being weighed down by our past and future hurts.
Baggage - everyone has them.
Friday, March 01, 2013
What were you seeing, you were sayin'?
Sometimes, I have this feeling that I'm psychic. Or I suspect I am. Or I think I'm nuts, or at least, crazier than I already am.
Then again, what the bible keeps telling us is that we are more than just flesh and blood, we are also spiritual beings. There are more things that exists than meets the eye. So if you understand that the supernatural reality is in fact more, real and eternal than the things in flesh, perhaps we can begin to live supernatural lives too.
So it results in being more in tune with the hiddenness of things. Which means hor, maybe it is not say psychic or something, but more sensitive? The saints must have looked weird to outsiders too, so if I want to be saint (cuz you can't be half a saint and half a devil), I must not be afraid of being weird.
"While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen, are temporal; but the things which are not seen, are eternal." (2 Cor 4:18)
Then again, what the bible keeps telling us is that we are more than just flesh and blood, we are also spiritual beings. There are more things that exists than meets the eye. So if you understand that the supernatural reality is in fact more, real and eternal than the things in flesh, perhaps we can begin to live supernatural lives too.
So it results in being more in tune with the hiddenness of things. Which means hor, maybe it is not say psychic or something, but more sensitive? The saints must have looked weird to outsiders too, so if I want to be saint (cuz you can't be half a saint and half a devil), I must not be afraid of being weird.
"While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen, are temporal; but the things which are not seen, are eternal." (2 Cor 4:18)
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
To be or not to be...That is not the question. The question is, HOW NOW BROWN COW.
So hor,
I fantasise what my future salary will be like.
They ask me (I also ask myself), so you think social work is the right job for you?
I CAN'T THINK NOW THERE IS NO WAY OUT.
But yah, although I wish I had that inclination to do business and not meaningful/helping/social services type of work. But God always works in mysterious ways with me. As if He knew the type of personality I had requires a round-a-bout way for me to finally acknowledge the path.
For eg. Teacher in JC says, "you should do Lit in Uni!"
Heidi immediately says "over my dead body."
Story: Heidi died and did lit.
Heidi's ambitions since young: EARN BIG MONEY! BECOME MILLI-- NO BILLIONAIRE.
Heidi's thought for always: If I can't be rich, at least marry a rich guy!!
Heidi's contemplations: How do I do a meaningful job but still earn a lot of money??
Heidi's doubts: I think I want to earn a lot of money, but how to find one that won't disillusion me? Anyways, as long as it is not social work hahahaha.
Heidi's sinking realisation: What if I have to choose between money or meaning?*small voice says: maybe social work? Heidi brushes small voice away. No lah, teacher maybe, can earn more.
Heidi's dawning resign..realisation: Yah ok social work.
It is like there are always signs, but the first thing I do is to deny them. Like I keep having signs that I might become single and be a nun but I keep you know, denying it.
Can you detect symptoms of hysteria in this particular sample of a human being? *points to girl over there, in the mirror*
I fantasise what my future salary will be like.
They ask me (I also ask myself), so you think social work is the right job for you?
I CAN'T THINK NOW THERE IS NO WAY OUT.
But yah, although I wish I had that inclination to do business and not meaningful/helping/social services type of work. But God always works in mysterious ways with me. As if He knew the type of personality I had requires a round-a-bout way for me to finally acknowledge the path.
For eg. Teacher in JC says, "you should do Lit in Uni!"
Heidi immediately says "over my dead body."
Story: Heidi died and did lit.
Heidi's ambitions since young: EARN BIG MONEY! BECOME MILLI-- NO BILLIONAIRE.
Heidi's thought for always: If I can't be rich, at least marry a rich guy!!
Heidi's contemplations: How do I do a meaningful job but still earn a lot of money??
Heidi's doubts: I think I want to earn a lot of money, but how to find one that won't disillusion me? Anyways, as long as it is not social work hahahaha.
Heidi's sinking realisation: What if I have to choose between money or meaning?*small voice says: maybe social work? Heidi brushes small voice away. No lah, teacher maybe, can earn more.
Heidi's dawning resign..realisation: Yah ok social work.
It is like there are always signs, but the first thing I do is to deny them. Like I keep having signs that I might become single and be a nun but I keep you know, denying it.
Can you detect symptoms of hysteria in this particular sample of a human being? *points to girl over there, in the mirror*
Friday, February 15, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Don't like it but what to do.
You can't have too much of a good thing.
I told my friend today, I think there is a reason why there are such discrepancies between the two places I am at now.
Work, study and attachment is really no joke, but it's especially stressful when the environment is...with all the doubts in my mind, and even the air of tension, bitterness and resentment...how to be like the lotus and stay untouched despite the mud? I can't even prevent myself from feeling a bit resentful. It is not ideal, even very weird and antagonistic. So how...
I know there is a reason for this, and my friend agrees too. I think it is because I need to know what is a good working environment and what is not, what is good leadership and what can be better.
Hai.
I told my friend today, I think there is a reason why there are such discrepancies between the two places I am at now.
Work, study and attachment is really no joke, but it's especially stressful when the environment is...with all the doubts in my mind, and even the air of tension, bitterness and resentment...how to be like the lotus and stay untouched despite the mud? I can't even prevent myself from feeling a bit resentful. It is not ideal, even very weird and antagonistic. So how...
I know there is a reason for this, and my friend agrees too. I think it is because I need to know what is a good working environment and what is not, what is good leadership and what can be better.
Hai.
Monday, February 04, 2013
Slice of life.
I missed out on a friend's bday on Sat.
Work and study life is grinding me down like belacan in a mortar.
But what to do, keep breathing, keep living, keep on hopin'.
Now counselling a friend who is going through like the most horrible regret of her life.
I know I am not a sucker for pain, but it is amazing what we put ourselves through.
Wine from a grapepress anyone?
Work and study life is grinding me down like belacan in a mortar.
But what to do, keep breathing, keep living, keep on hopin'.
Now counselling a friend who is going through like the most horrible regret of her life.
I know I am not a sucker for pain, but it is amazing what we put ourselves through.
Wine from a grapepress anyone?
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Comfort.
Sometimes, it wasn't so bad.
But when she thinks about it, revulsion rises up and then, it gets really bad.
The good days are good, the way it feels good when there is a break after having your teeth pulled out one by one. The heart-pumping relief, so good because it is short. The cycle begins all over again.
How did the camel feel before the final straw was placed? Or how does it feel, to have the last two nerves remaining.
Don't complain, don't whine.
However heavy the heart is, it will never compare to his.
Then I saw this in the midst of a downpour from A's page:
“I lay every burden down, at the foot of the cross.”
We are surrounded by angels everywhere we go, you just need to open your eyes big enough.
But when she thinks about it, revulsion rises up and then, it gets really bad.
The good days are good, the way it feels good when there is a break after having your teeth pulled out one by one. The heart-pumping relief, so good because it is short. The cycle begins all over again.
How did the camel feel before the final straw was placed? Or how does it feel, to have the last two nerves remaining.
Don't complain, don't whine.
However heavy the heart is, it will never compare to his.
Then I saw this in the midst of a downpour from A's page:
“I lay every burden down, at the foot of the cross.”
| — | Kathryn Scott - At the Foot of the Cross |
We are surrounded by angels everywhere we go, you just need to open your eyes big enough.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
Ok I really need to learn how to be more assertive.
I don't even know what are my limits!
It's seriously tough being assertive, and fearing the backlash. To be firm. The thing is I'm afraid of being too aggressive.
Know my limits, know my boundaries, set them, use them. So I won't be afraid to go to the Home every time. Wondering how to deal with them. I'm even developing aversion towards the thought of kids, and that's saying a lot because I really love kids!
And of course, work and study, plus attachment on top of that is OH MAI MOMO HARD.
And I was never a hard worker to begin with!
When Kriss asked me the other day, what changed me (since he knew I never bothered to push myself so hard) I was pensive. 'If you're not a Christian, you won't understand', I sort of mumbled under my breath. Until Zh arrivedto save me from replying to stop my opportunity to suck someone into the awesomeness that is God.
The years ahead gonna be tough.
I don't even know what are my limits!
It's seriously tough being assertive, and fearing the backlash. To be firm. The thing is I'm afraid of being too aggressive.
Know my limits, know my boundaries, set them, use them. So I won't be afraid to go to the Home every time. Wondering how to deal with them. I'm even developing aversion towards the thought of kids, and that's saying a lot because I really love kids!
And of course, work and study, plus attachment on top of that is OH MAI MOMO HARD.
And I was never a hard worker to begin with!
When Kriss asked me the other day, what changed me (since he knew I never bothered to push myself so hard) I was pensive. 'If you're not a Christian, you won't understand', I sort of mumbled under my breath. Until Zh arrived
The years ahead gonna be tough.
Friday, January 18, 2013
It is not I who live...
Always in the midst of pressuring situations, I feel a need to escape, either by reading or watching dramas. So I indulge myself. Thereby leading to less time to finish what I am supposed to do -- leading to more stress and then more escapist tendencies.
Therefore I conclude that life is a vicious cycle. If you keeping giving in to the stupid tendencies.
You know how you feel when you get into those roller coaster rides, and you are seconds before setting off, but already strapped to your seat? You are left cursing yourself and your stupidity and wondering why in the world did you choose to take a roller coaster ride and put yourself through this.
That's how I feel sometimes while working and studying...and now working two jobs, dealing with clients, going for lessons and writing essays. Why did I forgo the easy life and sigh, how I wish I can just go back to my jobless days bumming around with nothing to do but wake up, think of what to eat for lunch and watch dramas all the way.
If given the choice all over again...I would still do it. Though with less excitement, and more desperate prayers.
What I really want to do right now is wake up late, and be able to read all the books I have on theology. For hours on end. And drown myself in the world and Word of God. But I can't.
Or at least, I can't just be totally isolated in my ivory tower while separate from the world and its people I am called to serve.
I am a slacker, through and through. I don't like to work hard, when I can work easy. I don't like to involve myself in heavy duty stuff, I don't like to be overly-committed, or even committed for that matter. I don't like to feel stressed.
Therefore it is only by divine intervention, that I am doing what I do now. And only by God's grace that I can survive. And also, only God can make me feel like my slacking is wrong, otherwise I really wouldn't bother, since I don't really have very strong principles to begin with, I'm bo chup this way.
But humans, we were not meant to live for ourselves alone...
"It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." (Gal 2:20)
Therefore I conclude that life is a vicious cycle. If you keeping giving in to the stupid tendencies.
You know how you feel when you get into those roller coaster rides, and you are seconds before setting off, but already strapped to your seat? You are left cursing yourself and your stupidity and wondering why in the world did you choose to take a roller coaster ride and put yourself through this.
That's how I feel sometimes while working and studying...and now working two jobs, dealing with clients, going for lessons and writing essays. Why did I forgo the easy life and sigh, how I wish I can just go back to my jobless days bumming around with nothing to do but wake up, think of what to eat for lunch and watch dramas all the way.
If given the choice all over again...I would still do it. Though with less excitement, and more desperate prayers.
What I really want to do right now is wake up late, and be able to read all the books I have on theology. For hours on end. And drown myself in the world and Word of God. But I can't.
Or at least, I can't just be totally isolated in my ivory tower while separate from the world and its people I am called to serve.
I am a slacker, through and through. I don't like to work hard, when I can work easy. I don't like to involve myself in heavy duty stuff, I don't like to be overly-committed, or even committed for that matter. I don't like to feel stressed.
Therefore it is only by divine intervention, that I am doing what I do now. And only by God's grace that I can survive. And also, only God can make me feel like my slacking is wrong, otherwise I really wouldn't bother, since I don't really have very strong principles to begin with, I'm bo chup this way.
But humans, we were not meant to live for ourselves alone...
"It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." (Gal 2:20)
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Rise, Let Us Be On Our Way.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall."
Is it strength that you are never weak, or strength when you overcome the obstacles?
And so it goes, we never stop praying, never stop hoping, never stop believing and never stop loving. Thus our greatest glory is in God, in that never-ending wellspring of strength.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue walking the road, wanting to make life better, for others and for yourself.
St Paul was right, life is a fight, a race, a battle to the finish. We triumph not because we always remain on top, but because we know how to withstand adversities. Because we never let life make us hard, only stronger, but not hard.
Reading Pope Benedict's book makes me awed, makes me feel astounded, not just with his brilliance, but with God's initiative love. We know love only because He loved us first, we know Him only because He chose to reveal Himself to us. That is how God loves, to take that first step, never withdrawing His hand, to understand us and our needs. What is the strength in holding back, and never losing anything? If God is my shepherd, and my strength, I will need to willingly step into the briars, holding His hand all the time and trusting Him to get me through everything...even if it hurts.
Reading Pope John Paul's book makes me feel the need to for gentleness, for patience, for the willingness to nurture and guide, and be guided in return. For a pope, he is a man so unassuming, down to earth and appreciative of everyone. So focused on pastoral care.
Just reading some part of the works of these two popes, make me understand further the roles God wants to be to us. Teacher, Father and Shepherd.
On Monday, please God, guide me through it such that I might play in some parts, the roles you want me to play. That I might forget myself and reach out to them with love. Heidi with the goats.
Suddenly for the first time in my life, I think I see the connection now with why I am called Heidi.
Just look at this image I found.
Heidi, Heidi, remember the Claras, the Peters and the Grandfathers in your life...
Is it strength that you are never weak, or strength when you overcome the obstacles?
And so it goes, we never stop praying, never stop hoping, never stop believing and never stop loving. Thus our greatest glory is in God, in that never-ending wellspring of strength.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue walking the road, wanting to make life better, for others and for yourself.
St Paul was right, life is a fight, a race, a battle to the finish. We triumph not because we always remain on top, but because we know how to withstand adversities. Because we never let life make us hard, only stronger, but not hard.
Reading Pope Benedict's book makes me awed, makes me feel astounded, not just with his brilliance, but with God's initiative love. We know love only because He loved us first, we know Him only because He chose to reveal Himself to us. That is how God loves, to take that first step, never withdrawing His hand, to understand us and our needs. What is the strength in holding back, and never losing anything? If God is my shepherd, and my strength, I will need to willingly step into the briars, holding His hand all the time and trusting Him to get me through everything...even if it hurts.
Reading Pope John Paul's book makes me feel the need to for gentleness, for patience, for the willingness to nurture and guide, and be guided in return. For a pope, he is a man so unassuming, down to earth and appreciative of everyone. So focused on pastoral care.
Just reading some part of the works of these two popes, make me understand further the roles God wants to be to us. Teacher, Father and Shepherd.
On Monday, please God, guide me through it such that I might play in some parts, the roles you want me to play. That I might forget myself and reach out to them with love. Heidi with the goats.
Suddenly for the first time in my life, I think I see the connection now with why I am called Heidi.
Just look at this image I found.
Heidi, Heidi, remember the Claras, the Peters and the Grandfathers in your life...
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