Christmas Came Early

In the days preceding my trip to Vietnam, things were really getting quite bad.

Stress from essays, disorder and chaos in the house, worry about the trip, unhappiness in certain relationships and all the others things that generally plague a life. Even when you want don't want them to.

Actually my heart was so burdened that at odd times, I kept tearing during the day, and even more so during church. Of course I also blame that on PMS, whenever it comes, it is hard to maintain a level head and calm during powder keg situations.

The last time I went to church, I was praying so hard for the grace and strength to carry things through, and to be carried it through, for Him to end things, or even, end me.

I understood the theology, to be thankful for whatever He gives me, to put my faith and trust in Him. All I could do was to repeat, I am thankful for whatever you've given me, it is for the best, let me just present the whole of myself to you. My heart has been put through the wine-press, could there be any more left to give? I always thought I was strong to the point that no matter what I'm put through, I'll still come up fighting, forgiving and loving, always trusting in the overall goodness in the scheme of things. But of course, if even St Therese suffered through the worst of temptation -- the nihilism of atheism, who was I to say that I never doubted God's existence? If He didn't exist, I could do many things, and suffer no consequences, I thought. It was a temptation.

I told what happened to two because I was on the point of bursting, but even they could do nothing but exclaim and I knew it too, but asked for their prayers. If prayers don't work, nothing will.

In the midst of all these, I travelled to Vietnam. Reluctant at first, to partake of this trip, because of time, because of worry because of every other factor. But somehow, I felt certain of His goodness. And I prayed from the depths, that He will be with me, and to let me be His instrument. To be given time for body and spirit to be healed, for my soul to be refreshed.


Then the amazing thing happened, I promptly forgot about everything during this trip. Everything, which includes thinking of this trip as a time to heal.

Christmas is a time for remembering, of Joy, peace, thanksgiving and love, as with all other times in the year. But Christmas especially.  As the wisemen gave presents to baby Jesus out of love and reverence, so we give others presents in the spirit of Christmas. But God gave me a present first, He gave me a chance to go on this trip. He gave me laughter, love and company. He gave me appreciation for the world again, and the best thing -- the opportunity to give joy to others. Utmost joy. He made me a part of a community.

Every night before I go to sleep, I thanked God for the present of the day. For the team, for the homeowners, for the people. For everything. (I pretty much even forgot about Him during the trip). 

Waking up in the morning, sitting through breakfast and loving the bread and coffee. Travelling on the bus with the team, joking with them and playing coy about which team to join. Sweating it out in the sun, laughing and playing. Using sign language with hilarious results, Feeling touched, being touched. Enjoying hospitality and warmth. Spreading the Christmas cheer every opportunity we got "Yo!"

Looking at the teary eyes of team members saying how happy and grateful they were to have been on this trip. To have fulfilled their dreams of giving back to the community. Realising at last, at first hand, what my job was all about. What love and humanity was all about.

On the air plane, sitting next to a girl whom I found so funny and also quite intriguing in being totally opposite from me, she made me realised something about myself. "You are always the first to reach out to people, to make them feel welcomed, so friendly and warm." That too was a gift and I was touched by those words. I was so sure I had failed at bringing warmth and laughter to people, and here an almost stranger told me how I had made her feel, how I had made others feel.

Back in Singapore, some things changed, some haven't. But I'll hold on to the memories of my first big trip for this job, to the renewed strength and hope, love and joy. It could have been average, but the combination was magical for this trip. In the plane, I thought to myself, I am filled with peace now. Even if things were to go bad (and of course they did), I'll still have that peace and joy in me.

Was it Christmas? Did I have to go through so much, if only that this trip would have felt so blessed? Feeling so dejected about my lacks, but now coming into a greater awareness of my gifts. The gifts I have to give, the gifts I have been given.

This trip exceeded whatever expectations I had. God always overflows my cup. I am grateful and thankful (though I always pray desperately that He might see fit to have mercy on me), and understand His commands...just a little. Reach out, give, touch and be touched. During our partings, we hugged each other and some told me they were glad to have known me, and I replied the same way. I think now, those hugs were a command.

The definition of the Catholic mass, came from the word missal, as in to be given a dismissal -- a mission. Even today, the priest was telling us about this mission, to go out and spread the joy. I didn't realise the significance until now, when it all ties together. This Christmas, and whatever comes after that, calls for Joy.

"But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)

You're My Last Love.

They say the world will end on 21st Dec 12.

That's the day I'm supposed to arrive home from Vietnam.

I keep thinking about it, what if I never do arrive home? I was drafting my last letter to the world on the bus just now. Melodramatic I know.

There are many things in life I regret, wish I could have done better. But maybe at the end, it wouldn't matter so much. I hate pain, I really, really hate it. If I could I want to live life as happily, as beautifully and wonderful as it could possibly be. That's why I have a special disdain for people who wallow in it, who try to make it seem so beautiful, that being bipolar is something to be proud of. I'm being judgemental, yes. But at least I'm not going to make someone want to feel heartbroken, or feel like life is so much more interesting if there are some complexities to it.

Pain isn't beautiful, not unless you're sadomasochistic, or unless you can see a deeper meaning to it, and don't deliberately cause it just to feel it.

Actually, what I really want is to be born as someone else. When I wasn't Catholic, I always thought I wanted to be reincarnated into someone totally different next time. Is it self-hatred? Or is it seeing everything imperfect about myself and wishing it wasn't so? I wish I was less self-centred. I also wish that I could be strong enough, to always hold it all in. Pain is like a barrel of oil, once you let it pour out, it stains everything with a sickly gauze, suffocating until you die from it. It's black and seeps out with vengeance to taint everything else with it.

I'm not in pain, don't get me wrong, or worse, make you think it's something you want to try.

Is it a sin God? To wish You could have done something a little different with me? It has always been a fantasy of mine, that I wouldn't die of old age, but die doing something heroic, save people. Die like there was some meaning to my life after all. Almost every day, I think about how I can die, without troubling others in any way, leaving no debts or burdens behind. It's a palpable relief knowing I bought insurance and it's there should anything happen to me. Always feels like I'm preparing.

I thought I was born to make people happy. I think this isn't something I ever grew up of. Wanting to be happy, and make others happy. I thought maybe, You laughed when You made me, and kissed me on the forehead when I was born. "Go out into the world and make others happy, Joy."
Kinda like Jesus, except He died to make others happy.

I also wanted to get married. It bordered on desperation, but I slowly gave up on that dream. Recently, I found a song I think would be wonderful for a wedding. It's been a running joke in my mind, "I can cook, I can clean and I can sew, I even have a wedding song ready, I'm all prepared for marriage."

I love babies. Because they laugh at everything, and make others laugh too. I love them. I even think I'll make a good mother, not too smothering, not too negligent. I'd teach them about You, and how to talk to You, and be comforted, even if You don't seem to answer.

In the dark nights, I think about You a lot, about seeing You once more. Be held close to your heart. Be hugged.  Be loved.

What is the End? The end is love.
I'm ready now.

Iris.

Ok enough with the self-pitying, indulgent bawl-fest of yesterday.

Sometimes I get almost repulsed by my tendency to fall into an emotional sundae -- it's a whirlpool of cloying fudge and sticky mess.

One way of expressing everything is like unclogging the arteries, you shove a steel rod in to flush out everything. Much like a therapist shoving interpretations, cataclysms and catharsis like emotional vomit out of your system.

Another less violent and traumatic way is to write a letter. I do that a lot, composing blog entries in my mind. By the time I finish electrolyting words like typing in the brain, and sit in front of an actual computer to tell people what I have just thought through, everything's gone.

As teenagers, the cool thing was to have bruised hearts or scarred wrists like badges of honour of your emotional complexity and brokenness. It was the in thing to profess a liking for Sylvia Plath and feminists ideals, once in a lifetime love that still wounds your soul/heart, or just to read writers who have died -- via suicide.

I think it's all part of the growing up process, so much angst and thinking nobody understand the only way you could do it was to express it vicariously through works and people who actually died from depression. That way to justify that life is all tragedy and pain and the only realness is pain. So the anthem goes, "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

From JC till Uni, our lives are like the soundtrack out of The OC, Grey's,  The L word, Queer as Folk (Gilmore Girls too mainstream) and more. Aqualung's 'Strange and Beautiful' plays in our head as we walk past scenes of blurry corridors filled with sad and beautiful youths in Parisian chic, plaid wear, black-rimmed glasses exhaling smoke, casting intoxicating absinthe-filled spells on passer-bys. Until you realise you were probably suffering from hallucinatory effects due to prolonged smoke inhalation and subsequent suffocation. Timelessly temporal delusions.

I used to like this poet very much, I loved all her poems, it was like finding a lost twin. One day I decided to google her history instead of her poems, and I found out she killed herself. And there I was thinking she was different from Sylvia, because she turned her sorrow into song and lived through it. I was so spooked I never took solace in her poems again.

Coming out from all these years of breathing in angst like a chain-smoker recovering from sawdust in the lungs, I go for safe stuff now (like Korean dramas, although nowadays they are getting too stimulating). In therapy you stay away from the heroin, for fear the crack still gets you, still tempts you with a haunting loveliness.

 I still find this beautiful:

Always (means everything)

shackled and torn, you came to me broken
I tried to mend your angel wings, I glued them together
with words and bits and pieces of my heart, I put them
on your fragile back, careful not to rip the glitter--careful
not to let my glass shatter on top of you. You smiled at me,
gently and genuinely, and my eyes forever remembered that moment.

"what if I'm not here come next year" you breathed into my neck,
as I held you, like a sister would hold a sister. "Would you go on?"
(I still recall my smile--it was mirrored in your own)
tenderly, I laid you down. Words were not acceptable to my own voice
and I dropped your head vigilantly onto the pillow
[soft and comforting] aware of your wings, making sure they would not crush

(they were not like mine. smashed and deceptive)
You were so beautiful
(even my ugly almost went away)
You loved me
(I love you)


"You aren’t here come this year", I whisper ever so quietly, but I'm talking only
to the beating of my heart.
"yes, yes, I will go on"

always ~

Don't Cry for Me, Sudan

While being alone in the Adoration chapel looking at Jesus in the face, the sounds of a choir singing Christmas songs weaved through the silence. I felt like that Little Matchgirl then, hearing laughter and companionship from the outside, longing to be part of the celebration and to get warmed by the fire.

I said to Jesus, "I guess it's just you and me then for Christmas."
I thought of Christmas parties that I've been to, of Catholic gatherings I've met, for a brief while in the midst of the people, I felt a bit a part of them. Both looking in from the outside, and yet also being included. All of a sudden my eyes swamped with tears, sometimes the yearning to belong somewhere swamps me.

I thought maybe I'll invite someone to my first Christmas mass with me, afraid to be alone in the midst of candles, processions and people. But maybe it's meant to be this way, just Him and me. Is it my personality? I wondered, that I always have trouble fitting in, I can do a good imitation of it but ultimately, it is not real. I will always feel like the odd person, not understanding what are the social norms.

"Jesus, I know you gather lambs to you, but I can't hear your voice..."

Back at home I ate dinner in front of the computer, surfing Catholic websites. I do this a lot because sometimes it feels like the only way I can be part of a community, to learn more and to grow more. Reaching out, and afraid to reach out.

I came across a video on Fr John Lee, a Korean priest who went to Sudan to serve the lepers. And what I saw made me cry so much because there I was feeling pity for myself and being an outcast, and there they are, the real outcasts.

Broken, sick, missing limbs, yet their smiles shine through. They live as happily as they can, not thinking they are poor, even though they were literally dirt. poor. Crawling with bent limbs towards a single bedding in a mud house, treasuring the picture of a priest who served them with love, and who had died of cancer suddenly. A blind leper kissed the picture of Fr Lee thrice, managing to plant her expression of love on his face, even though she couldn't see.

Poverty of spirit, in it's truest, and most beautiful sense. Maybe I'll have to go through this isolation in life, so I will never forget what it means to really be an outcast. I have a choice in my feelings of being cast away, they don't. But they do have a choice in their matter of perspective, and they continued loving, praising and living in thanksgiving.

“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can
be no more hurt, only more love." -- Mother Teresa

Almost Heaven.

Even though I always say, "I'm born a Singaporean, I will die a Singaporean!"

Whenever I think about living out the rest of my life, what comes to mind isn't a Singaporean landscape. It's always somewhere in the middle of a golden field, with a gentle breeze, lazy sunshine and a refreshing song playing in the background. Up to now, my imaginings always take me to Japan, or even a lavender field in France!

However I think maybe I would really like to retire in Korea. Be a kimchi farmer or something. Rear some clucking chickens, a soulful cow and a frisky puppy oh and my turtles.

Maybe something like this:

After getting all muddy and all, I'll wash up in the late afternoon, make a cup of milk tea and enjoy the warmth of the setting on my face.
At night I'll barbecue some beef and pork belly, wrap them up in lettuce for dinner, plus have some kimchi as a side dish, while playing Girls Generation songs on youtube. By then they might be Grandmas' Generation already.

I'll learn some Korean, and maybe the neighours' kids would come by Granny Joy's farm while I teach them catechism. I might even develop some flirtation with the Grandpas nearby who are widowed.

Sleep in peaceful slumber with natural sounds, wake up to the gauzy light of the morning and work my back off.

Of course I know reality isn't so romantic as that, even though korean dramas paint it so. I just think it'll be a nice way to live out the remainder of my life. It occurs to me that perhaps I can be a nun and get deployed to a Korean Convent.

Maybe I'm a lazy girl at heart, but I prefer a relaxed pace of life, with the ebb and flow of stream in autumn.


Actually, this is a pretty normal fantasy already. My other fantasy was to live in a shack on a mountain top. My boss said, "you mean a cabin." "No, a shack!" Cuz there'll be leaky roofs and I can catch the rain with buckets when it falls.


Or is it even normal to fantasise about your retirement, even before I've started working? Strangely enough, though I've (only) lived 24 years, sometimes I feel quite weary of this material world. So I hope heaven would really be all that and more. Kimchi and barbecued beef would be good.

Stone of Zion.

I had a beautiful day yesterday. Strangely enough, nothing especially dramatic happened. In fact, for others it might have been a bedraggled, gloomy sort of day. I was caught in an overpowering downpour, so heavy the roads were flooded...and without an umbrella.

It was also a tiring day, since I had to go for an art therapy session at a Girls' Home (as part of my attachment for Social Work), after work.

It really was an ordinary sort of day, since I didn't even fathom how joyful the day was until I was curled up in bed at night, nursing an imminent flu.

I remember being in bed, suddenly noticing that my heart was overflowing with happiness, contentment and gratitude and I thanked God for it. For this perfect day He has given me, for all the blessings I had. Despite that knowledge I had that later on I was going to be awakened with quarrelling parents (who have been arguing every night until past 12), I would still be happy, because it was a beautiful day. I even thought that if I were to die that night, I would still thank God for the beauty He has given me.

I tried to dissect what made my day beautiful. There was devotionals in the morning, we thanked each other with handwritten cards. I also watched some videos on people who died and experienced Heaven and God's love (don't ask me why I was so random). I had group therapy session, sewing hand puppets with troubled girls. Interspersed throughout the day was some mild whatsapp conversation with friends, and funny interactions with Z. I would characterise that day as a mild one, the most eventful thing being the huge rain that night, and me with no umbrella trying to get to the Home.

I don't feel particularly urged to deconstruct the day and give a reason for why my heart was overflowing with happiness. It is a wonder for me still, to think back on my youth, with all its melancholia, loneliness and apathy, probably being unable to name a happy day and then to contrast it with life currently. Not that my life is anything glamourous, untroubled or accomplishd (in the material sense) now. However there is a certain sentiment within me that holds on to a fulfilled hope that life is joyful even in the midst of great sufferings. Why do I call it a fulfilled hope?

Because Christ is Risen. We all have Easters in our lives -- pain, abandonment, death and despair. We all experience that --- even the Christian. But for us who have been called to the supper of the Lamb, a gift unparalleled has been given. It is the certainty of victory, of everlasting joy, a light that pervades most especially in times of overwhelming darkness.

This one day in my life, without even anything particularly special happening, is beautiful enough to eclipse any temporal pleasures of my entire life before it. Not that life B.C (Before Christ) was useless, because it has brought me to the present, Presence. Such is the power of Christ, He who makes all things new. So please look kindly on the Christians, those who wish so earnestly to spread the Good News. It's not that they want to override your common sense and force you into their religion. It is only because we have seen how beautiful it is, the Truth, Love and Everlasting Beauty waiting for you, joy overflowing so much that it begs to be shared.

We are like butterflies dressed in the drab attires of a caterpillar. Break out, burst out, and soar.

Get it off, let it out!

Woo haven't posted anything for a long time!

There are a lot of memories in my mind, mostly good. Anyways, typing this out feels strange, like I'm watching someone in a movie typing out words in a diary. I think it's been so long since I wrote down my own thoughts that it has become alien and strange to me.

Or maybe, the act of describing my day to day life, emotions, thoughts and feelings have become unfamiliar. Maybe there are less things to let out now, without being so self-contained, I don't need to burst forth with pressure.

Then again I think, there are lots of thoughts I don't articulate nowadays, more so than ever. It's either I have become so private, that I don't even know myself, or that I have nothing to say.

Which is what?

I have been watching a korean drama (I know, I know, when did I ever not?) and think that the main girl inside really reminds me of...myself! In certain ways. However she's brutally frank and extremely un-pc, which is not what I am, most of the times. I always temper my tongue, or at least try to and you have no idea how hard that is. Hahahah. So I admire those people who are always very frank with people, straightforward and stuff because I find it hard to be so.

What is so similar between me and that girl then? She's brutally frank and extremely un-pc, hehehe. I think that would have been what I would grow up to be like, if I grew up that way from JC. Sometimes...I really wish I could be that way again. It was quite fun eh, no need to be nice you know. I was so mean it was like, let's say this girl tells another person that she needs to lose weight, I'll walk pass and say this, "uh, you're like fat too?" And then just laugh at her.

Or look at someone in the eye when they are whining about something and say seriously, "sucks to be you." And then just laugh at her.

HAHAHAHA ok lah exaggeration lah. Didn't exactly happen that way lah. Puppy-dog Heidi is better than snapping, rabid mongrel Heidi k. Oh there is a situation right now I am extremely averse too, why would JC Heidi say? "Honey, you need a life. And you won't get it by sucking it out of someone like a symbiotic parasite."

Ok back to watching my drama.

What is human.

At present, there is a promise that I would like to make to myself. Not without God of course, but if it is possible, could I make that promise to myself?

Grapes have to be crushed, before wine can be made. Bread has to be broken, before it can be shared. And a heart has to be opened, before it can be given, before God can enter. There needs to be a decision, before something can be done.

Things can be made anew, only with You. What was old Heidi? Are you asking for me to grow up and step into the new shoes? Can I still be a happy child to you then?

A heart that wasn't fully mine to give, maybe I was afraid, maybe I was selfish, maybe I didn't trust enough. Can I give it to you then? You already know my decision.

My Fiat

Honestly, patience is not one of my natural virtues, but I think I'm tenacious to a fault.

As I try to cultivate this patience, I'm not sure whether it's a case of me being impatient, or the other person is really dragging the feet on this. Is it me, or others behaving inappropirately?

Do I act speedily, make decisions too rashly, or is it because I place all my hope and trust in God? Sometimes I think I am really cowardly and scared of pain, yet it also seems that I'm foolhardy and uncaring of whatever hurts I will get in the process.

It's probably a very fine line. So I listened to someone speaking on youtube videos:
"God made us in an instant...It is possible for us to change our lives like this *snaps fingers* It takes a decision...You were created in an instant, therefore you are an Instant, so behave instantaneously, do not delay...You love in an instant, you forgive in an instant...You can't think you want to be forgiving, how could you? What are you doing? Not forgiving...You have to forgive, that's it."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-pxOpLBEFU&feature=relmfu

To a large extent, this resounds with me. Not because I make quick decisions, but yes it takes a decision. An inward resolution. I guess that's what trust is, you make a decision, and you go ahead with it even having doubts because ultimately, you trust that you will be delivered. 

Not dilly-dallying around if you already think it's God's will, that's annoying. Lol. Ok I can get annoying. But anyways, it's like "God show me a sign". And little indications come about. But you think, "hmm...I don't really trust these signs, in fact maybe it's not supposed to be like this."

Yes there will always be doubts, but you don't stop in the face of these doubts, you continue on inspite of these doubts. I'm speaking faith-wise, not practical real world examples of common sense judgements, such as knowing that there is really something wrong with the situation.

But then I get all, doubtful and such, and think, maybe it's right to just...have patience. Eeks, you're so annoying Heidi. Just the other day, someone asked me about my conversion and I had a difficulty explaining how it came about. For me, all it took was an instant. The decision was made in an instant...and the proof and love came after.

Mary said her Fiat, in an instant, and her decision paved the way for the Saviour to come. I suppose that is how it is with God, you say "Yes" and then the miracles will follow.
Well, Jesus don't bear with the wishy-washy guys for sure.

But Jesus told him, "Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God."

"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road."


Therein lies the trust of a child. I stand for my convictions, only Lord, give me the Wisdom to discern your Will. So if I really trust in Him then, I suppose that gives me strength for patience.

Sandglass.

I don't usually think in terms of sacrifices. Sacrifices imply losing something, however normally I think of it as gaining something.

So I haven't given voice to the feeling yet but, I realised yes there are some sacrifices to be made that I didn't even think of.

Perhaps I underestimated what it would cost me. Typical Heidi style, I always barrel ahead without considering (or even if I do, I choose to not let them get the better of me) the fears, the inadequacies, the time, the burden...and then come out bruised. But triumphant.

I will need to evaluate the priorities in my life now, people, relationships, effort, time etc etc. The days are getting shorter, and I feel like I'm being squeezed through a funnel.

Ok I have made a decision.

D

So anyways, he's only been here for not that long, but it's amazing how well we hit it off.
To the tune that he's always tickling my flabby arm, and I look at him with resignation.

From him, I also learn not to judge people too quickly, and also learn that...there really are great, Christ-oriented guys out there! Very rarely so comfortable with guys this way, but I guess when you sit together day in day out, you learn to be comfortable with people.

Plus, he always offers me food, or else I steal some from him. Gonna think of him as an example next time, when I contemplate about how faithless some guys can be. LOL.

Your Song

Currently studying for my first Social Work exam tomorrow.

Well, I could have started earlier and more seriously, but I think as compared as to how unmotivated/undisciplined I was before, at least I'm making some progress. Heh. Perhaps even for the first time in my life.

If anything, taking social work classes helps me to learn more about myself, about others and try to apply what I learn to practice. Some of the ways in dealing with people, I have utilised, and much, I haven't.

I think it's a universal thing, the less ego you have, the less self-importance and superiority you put on, the better you can relate to others. In fact, the less you are (not in a damaging self-castigating way), the more help, comfort and consolation you can offer to others.

Tell me this a long while ago, I will get the gist of what you're saying, but find it impossible or even meaningless for me to adopt this attitude.
Pride blinds our eyes to the suffering and needs of others, and even to our own needs and wants -- because you might not even realise you have them.

However noble it is to forsake your ego for the sake of others, it is not a natural human instinct or impulse to die to yourself, that others may live, or may receive benefit from this.

That is why we often value and praise the sacrifice of a mother's love. Instinctively, we know and appreciate the love parents have towards their children because of just how rare, how counter-intuitive and self-sacrificing that love can be. When we see something of that in evidence, even in the behaviour of animals, something in our hearts can't help but be roused to awe at it.

Love will never cease to take our breaths away, to inspire us and to raise us to be better than we are, to do more than we have, to elevate our souls. Love also understands how much demands, expectations we place upon ourselves, how much fear we have. Love is gentle, patient and kind...

Two thousand years ago, a man came and said this “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

So I have this man as my example, and if I feel tempted to think more about myself, or to be impatient or just be weary of the burdens and expectations in life, I can think of him and his offer. And then try to offer what he does to others, in return.



Let me be Your instrument
Let me be Your voice
Let me be the reservoir
Where thirsty hearts rejoice
Let me be the hand
That wipes the tears away
Oh Lord,
If it be Your will
Let me be Your Song
---Corrinne May, Your Song
 

She's fading, she's fading!

I realise I blog more when I am stressed.

It's the feeling of, I can't really take leave, though I'm feeling under the weather, because I'm the only one left with the manager away on maternity leave and another colleague on wedding leave *sad music from Massenet's 'Meditation' plays in background*

Everyday, I feel like I'm panicking. But assured my colleague that I'm ok, just doing a rain dance and begging God to help me *sad music plays on*

I look with teary eyes to the sky, clasp my fist and say "I can do it!"

Ok drama aside, today I was talking to an ST reporter, who didn't realise I was her friend. Until the end, I told her...I'm from your class you know.

Then she say "ohhh! Heidi...HEIDI...oh man, no wonder you were laughing in the beginning just now!"

In this job, I'm hitting familiar people, left right and centre. It's no wonder I want to disguise what I work as, and not put my job in my FB profile.

I GET STALKERS YOU KNOW!!

And Faith if you're reading this..I'm soooo sorry I couldn't get the chance to help you review your script!!

In Dreams

People used to ask me, "what's your dream" when I was younger. I would always hem and haw, because there was no one definitive thing I really want to be or do.

I wanted to be an actress, and be different people for a living. A singer to entertain myself and other people, out of the bathroom. A writer, so I can give in to all my fantasies, and write out other people's. Romance novels are really lucrative.

Even a poet, I used to write pretty good poetry then (or so I think). I also wanted to be a businesswoman. Or go to Antartica, Scotland, Iceland, Peru, Amazon Forest etc etc.

Or perhaps even just get married to a rich, hot and tall guy and have beautiful babies.
I could see myself doing all of those things, and smile at this exciting future ahead of me.

So yes I have many dreams, but not The Dream.

Being a social worker was not something I thought of. It was not even in the lithosphere of my radar.


Previously, imagining being in all those occupations I mentioned above, or doing all those things gave me pleasure, but never a certainty. I would even enjoy it...for a while, but ultimately, I had a gut feeling that I would feel dissatisfied and that there is no meaning to all these. However, being a social worker still wasn't something I considered doing, because there was no money or prestige in it. Plus, I'm not exactly a very altruistic person.

So take a vain, materialistic, selfish and shallow-as-A4 paper girl, and give her a religion -- Catholicism specifically, and what do you get?

Still a somewhat vain, materialistic, selfish and shallow-as-construction paper girl, but determined not to be like that. And this girl here, 2 weeks before Social Work classes, is feeling a bone-deep kind of certainty and peace about her vocation as a social worker. Who works in a job that is lower-paying than what her peers earn. Who wonders at the wonder of it all.

I am not much of a testimony but, if you look at me, hopefully you might think, what changed her? A leopard can never change its spots, that is true for humans to some extent. But fortunately, I am not a leopard, and I don't do plastic surgery, but a divine make-over.

The other day when the Father of 3 classmate of mine said that SIM was like a dumping place for rejects of all the other 3 Unis (not exact words but meaning is there) and therefore we pretty much get ignored by the government. Maybe I would have agreed with his sentiments a while back. However, now I feel differently. SIM is a place of hope, giving chances to people who would otherwise be written off by the other academic institutions. It's a place of renewal, for adult learners who wanted to be students again and learn something new. It's a place of dreams, where dreams are made and moulded and lived out.

And I also chose it over waiting for NUS in part because I wanted to prove that it doesn't matter which Uni you came from, or in fact, even if it does matter, academic results or preconceived expectations don't ultimately prove your worth and contribution in life. (thinking about the stuffy scholars I encountered at the PMO last time)

One day, I hope I can also similarly be a helping hand in the dark, a stepping stone out of a rut, to inspire people to hope. That when given chances, just how much they can shine in their own way. That dreams may be broken, but can always be remoulded into something even more beautiful.

So I didn't really have A Dream, but along the way things start piecing themselves together and I begin living it.

"And in Him all things hold together." (Col 1:17)

Social Work and Societal Lessons

I went for the Social Work orientation yesterday and found out...
I'm probably one of the youngest there.
And the group is smaller than I imagine.
And that people are actually not that confident of making it to the Masters level.
The Masters group will most likely be even smaller than I thought.
I thought it'll be a full lecture theatre of people, a la NUS, but actually it's more like... a classroom size of people. And it's probably gonna get smaller to tutorial size, and smaller to project group size.


And I made friends!

It is vital to make friends in such a course because
1) Heidi is blur, and needs people ot tell her what's going on
2) In case she skips lessons, she can ask what's going on
3) What's going on?

Yes so you see, in order to know what's going on, I need to make friends.

Therefore that was the goal, go to orientation, find out what's going on, make friends in order to...find out what's going on.

So at last count, I have made friends with, a retiree, an ex-nurse, a youth worker and a father of 3, and have exchanged numbers with them.

Of all of them, I can approach the ex-nurse for help as I will be missing the 2nd week of lessons.

Meanwhile, I have to read the entire textbook.

In return for their help, I have also resolved that I shall try to encourage everyone in my class to make it to the Masters level so that 1) I have more companions 2) The more the merrier 3) Hey, it's my job to help now and in future.

Still, it's best not to go ahead with false confidence, just because I just graduated and still retain some essay-writing skills (barely). You learn more when you are not full of yourself, remember that Heidi. Everyone has something to contribute, something to give, something to learn from.

I'm a student again! It's both exciting and tummyache-inducing. Remember those times when I used to get diarrhea every time an essay comes up? This time it's gonna be so much more hectic, especially since I'm working. And knowing how un-diligent I am...

Therefore, not by my own strength, but by God. Not for myself, but for God. Repeat mantra over and again, to remind self that I have to do well because God is in charge of Lightning is with me.

My happiness over the newly-opened Shopping Centre

My house downstairs the shopping centre is finally open!

It was undergoing renovations for almost a year, and we had to do without my trusty Macs, KFC, kopitiam (fish soup!) watsons etc!

Now that the shops are finally opened, I still can't process it. When I went out Hougang Point, I exclaimed at every new shop. "Waaahh!!" "Waaah!!"
There's korean bbq chicken and even a Wang's cafe!

Living next to a shopping centre (albeit a mini one) sure has its perks, and without them I felt so helpless for a while. Oh Joy! Because now when I want to meet people and deciding where to meet, I can say, "hmm...how about Hougang Point!"


Also, I might even get a part-time job there hehehe. What to do, economy nowadays very bad, plus I have two school loans to shoulder, plus travelling plans, plus I have two little mouths to feed (Tacky and Toe) and one big mouth (mine).

Baaaah. Li.

I just came back from Bali. Well not just, since I've been back a week. But in Heidi procrastination temrs, it's just.I like the cool weather there, and the idyllic pastoral scene.

I can't help but be disturbed at the rampant overt sexuality though. I am aware I sound prudish, but to be propositioned by 3 men in 2 days is just plain disturbing. Especially our driver on the last day, while seated at the front of the seat, I felt like an unwilling audience of a porno flick.

How so?

He likes to describe the 'habits' of different nationalities, even making the noises. Then edify us on what to eat for men to be 'strong' and stuff.

The perverseness is still bearable. But when he made fun of his wife being fat and shrewish, plus that he had three kids, the eldest is a daughter almost our age...and then mentioned that he always is on call for 'secret' rendezvous...In other words, selling himself.

Hai. Even my not-so-pure personality also felt a little polluted.

Maybe it's the culture, or more likely, the westernalisation and materialism that sweeps past the world today. It has come to the point whereby keeping yourself chaste before marriage, and being faithful to your spouse is something of an oddity, or impractical or even backwards, in this worldly world. It's supposed to be the norm, not an exception.


What happens in a world where it becomes all about doing what you want, seeking what you want, having what you want, and never mind about consequences. When values or virtues are good but impractical, idealistic but naive, personal choice and freedom and self-seeking is encouraged and exhorted? Everyone is caught up in this web, this trap, because, everyone is doing it.  I sound like a doom-sayer but if you really think about the world today, deeply, you might begin to see some very very horrible rotting going on internally.

Just the other day, I came across something rather horrifying. The different '-philes' we have, and people are campaigning for their rights...and that it's not wrong, and should be accepted, or even celebrated. I'm not going to write what it is here, because I wish I never learned of it. Sigh.

It's all pretty and beautiful on the outside, dressed in flowery, even heroic sentiments, but underneath it is a rotting corpse. Who wants to listen to God's law when seems to be all about restrictions, prohibitions, all the 'thou shalt nots'?

Oh Joy!

GUESS WHAT!!

What?

ZE BABY IS HERE!!

Which baby?

BABY JOY!!

Whozzat??

MY COLLEAGUE'S BULGE IN THE TUMMY THAT HAS THE SAME NAME AS ME!!

So anyways, baby Joy was born today, same name, same birthday month and same day (1+7= 8) as me!

Aww, and she's so cute, I love her even when she was just a bump! Everyday I try to feel her butt. She's the very first baby whereby I was kinda catching up on her progress everyday! And to have the same name...Well there are no coincidences with God!
So I'll pray that Joy grows up to be...well not like me, but happy like her name!

Ok anyways, I'm going Bali this Friday. I'm excited but sad because it's only 2+ days.

Oh well, always leave wanting more! Also, I have been having a dry cough for a week now, hope that won't be the case in Bali if not I'm not gonna enjoy the food, and I'm going to disturb my room mate.

New guy at my office!

It's her party

Hai, I actually wrote another blog post about what happened for my birthday, but decided to save it as draft because it didn't sound good. I guess I'll keep the contents to myself because to have celebrations is already a privilege, and yet I didn't want to pretend in my blog. Don't worry dear girl, in case you think it's because of you, because it's not, above all I am supportive and love you k!

I would like to thank all the friends and loved ones who spent so much money on me.

The hall people who turned up for my birthday whether at the Botanic Gardens or at the steamboat place. They presented me with a BB cream and it was a really timely present. At the Botanic Gardens, YL gave me the only birthday card this year, and I'm touched by her words, and the cactus is so pretty! ZH gave me an exorcism book and a meaningful hand-made bracelet bought from a Girl's Home.

Marya thoroughly surprised me with the lunch at Salt Grill and Sky Bar! This was really such a highlight, every time I think of the experience, I just smile and feel excited because it's such a new experience and somewhere I've never been, and something I've never done, and am touched by the obvious research she did. So when I think back on my 24th birthday, I think I'll forever remember the clouds, the sky-high feeling and the gorgeous food!

M was the main organizer, though she came late, but it's always sweet of her to take the initiative. :) I love the fruity alcohol and the antics of SY and HQ, who argued like kids. I enjoyed the intimacy and random conversation, like we were back to school days, although with boyfriends (whether official or not) And very touched that the normally calculative SY and HQ actually paid for everything (though SY ate most of the food ahahah!) We were supposed to go dancing (Kinect) but the period girls were kinda too tired. So oops we always manage to not do sports, even though we always saw we will. Hehe.

I do wish I could go to the Harry Potter Museum or visit the flower exhibition though, maybe the next birthday I'll plan for that instead. In fact, I think I should plan my own birthday next year, or else wait for people to just ask me out in individual or small groups for meals hehehe.

Auntie? Who me?

Everyday when I get home, I look forward to seeing two 'didi's (little brothers) as I walk past the neighbours' houses.

There is Didi the shitzu, and the neighbour's kid. Didi still wags his tail if I go up to say hi, although now he is more docile than when he was a hyperactive young pup.

Then, this cute neighbour's kid of mine will gurgle out "hallooooo!" as he runs up to the door when I walk past.

So I will stop for a while at the door and have a mini conversation with him. It consists mainly of him asking me questions. "You just come back ah?" "Where did you come from?"
"What shoes are you wearing" "What is that you're holding?"  "Can I see what you're holding?" "Do you have a pet?"

Even though those are questions asked by a toddler, I still feel touched and have a warm feeling in me that someone cares about my day and the little stuff in my life. Cue lonely spinster alert. HAHAHA.

In fact, I don't even mind him calling me auntie now. Actually the other day on the bus, this precocious girl was saying "got auntie blocking my way!" then I realise she was referring to me.
X_X

So well, even though it's slightly unsettling to be called auntie now, instead of being upset over it, I'll just thank God for the chance that these little ones are teaching me not to be so vain in life.

And also thank God for the little pleasures of having important conversations with neighbour's kids, friendly dogs, and whatever odd moments that come my way -- even if it means being called an auntie.

Pretty Boy

New Shanghai guy interning at the office, who is quite fair and speaks like an ACS boy.

I think when I asked him to do manual labour, he was a little taken aback.

How ah, I think is gongzi (rich gentleman) type hahaha.

Sigh, ok I'm posting inconsequential stuff now.

Evangelical Catholic is like...A talkative Catholic

I think even though I try my best to practice humility, silence, obedience as best as possible...
ok I shall take a while for the laughter and snorting to die down...

Alright, let me start again. Even though I try my best to practice the virtues, and disregard self-love, accepting everything meekly, (and believe me, I'm such a wuss in the office) sometimes I can't help but get a little energetic in trying to explain the misconceptions Christians have about Roman Catholicism.

The fact that these misconceptions are so wide-spread and common makes me feel quite long-suffering inside too. What have pastors been preaching? They have so many misconceptions about R.C, that when you ask them, what do they really know about the R.C, it turns out that many of them with misconceptions don't really know much, much less the Catechism or the history of the church.

As such, I find myself evangelising to my Christian colleagues (and a total stranger today) nowadays.

I really need to stop that, and go back to trying to strengthen my interior life rather than engage with people in theological differences. Even Catholics themselves might not be comfortable, or even know about certain aspects of Catholic theology.

Trying to explain redemptive suffering to young, impressionable Christians, is like trying to explain what a stigmata is, or what a transverberation is to a Protestant. Oh wait. That's exactly what I did today.

Even I find myself being weird. As such, I don't really dare to tell others how I am practising my beliefs recently. Ironically, the only people I could tell it to, are strangers...on an online blogosphere. The Catholic community out there is really, really inspiring. I am so astounded by the fervent love young Catholics have for our Faith, since my impression was always that Catholics are a little unfriendly and distant (and actually, this is apparently common Catholic behaviour hahaha!). It's because Catholics, (generally) have a more reverent awe when they are in Church, aware of the presence of the tabernacle...of Christ himself.

Eh wait, didn't I say I'm gonna stop talking so much about my Faith here in this blog already? Yah, self-control Heidi.

Now I am Found

It's going to be a Good week.

I'm conscious of weirding people out with all my talk about spirituality, especially since I already have another blog documenting my experiences. So I shall just post in point form.

- New blog has followers already. Like they are watching after me, strangers even messaging me to encourage and pray for me? (how awesome is that??) I feel like the samaritan woman by the well, thirsty and trying to draw up water, and Jesus comes along to sit with me and offer me His consolation.
- Meeting my new spiritual director. Sister!?
- Joining an order
- Deciding on a date for my individual silent retreat <- this is God-sent, especially when I have been so desperate for time away that I was considering paying a few hundred just to fly off somewhere or go on a cruise. This God-sent providence is just PERFECT for my needs.
- Future life looks set...though with some obstacles and hiccups.
- (okay this one is going to be way out there, but...) I 'saw' Jesus moved on the cross in Church. I didn't get freaked out...but instead it dawned upon me (even though I know it in theory) that Jesus is really in the mass. Maybe it's a trick of the eye -- several times, but whatever it is, it really made me realise The Presence that was there.
- Waiting for the books on Saints that I ordered online to reach me. Yahooo!

Do you know how amazing it is that all requests I made, and prayed for are being granted? Ah yes, God makes use of my google searching skills...then guides me to use them properly. Eheheh.

I'm both excited and fearful, but if I walk in obedience, I am sure it will go according to God's will.
Now that I have been found by Him, I resolve that in turn I am going to try my best to reach out to those struggling, or feeling abandoned, and this will be my ministry by His Grace.

Gluttony

I need to stop indulging in my insatiable appetites.

I feel like a bursting ba zhang (dumpling) in my jeans now.

Water retention my ass, you're retaining fats my ass.

In His Garden

Once on a trip home, I came upon the realisation that I haven't been living fully in this life.

Well it doesn't mean that I'm living through it like a zombie, or that I don't enjoy myself. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like something is missing, that I haven't been engaging with life.

Everyday, while on the way to work, and on the way back home, I fall into contemplation. Of life, of God, of mysteries of questions.

Sometimes I find an answer, most often I do not. I do not force an answer though, because I know it will light upon me, like a revelation when I least expect it. And it almost always happens in church.

So today my answer is, "living in Christ". And yes, that was the answer to my question, to see the Christ in everyone, in myself, and live in Him, and Him in me. That is the way to live life fully, as a thanks to the God who gave it to me.

I have been feeling that I don't really have people I can talk about God to. Well, there are Christians, but no one to really, really talk about God with. Because...whatever conversations I have, it inevitably turns into God. It is as if the heart is overflowing with amazement, and I want to share, to spread it, to contemplate the mystery of it. But I think I'm going to start wearying people out - or worse still, freak them out with my constant direction towards God.

I think a lot of people are going to be too freaked out if I told them what is really in my heart and mind...so now I have a solution, I'm going to start a new blog, and with it all the experiences, thoughts, mysteries, answers, questions and conversations I can pour out into it. This way I have an outlet, and won't need to impose myself on people.

And I can write about all the signs that have been manifesting in my life more and more recently. It has gotten to the point whereby it's almost uncanny, the coincidences. God's incidences.

My dear ones, the only glory worth having, is an eternal one.

You shall see roses.

I don't know how to explain the miracle that happened that day, when it happened, all I could do then was to tremble under the weight that was placed upon me. The weight of now having to 100% have faith and believe absolutely. The weight of my total unworthiness for the grace that was shown me...

These past few days, I slowly learn what it means to crucify yourself for Christ. Hahaha my friends, I know I sound a little weird towards you now, but if you were to know what happened, you might understand better.

I wish I could share it...but to explain it would be beyond my powers, because I could not do it justice.

I've been considering answering the vocation, though maybe not in the early future, but if it does happen, I shall answer the call.

The Answer 2

I've always found Corrinne May's songs soothing, even when I wasn't a Christian.

When I become one, her songs made me feel closer to God, and increased my faith, hope and trust in a way other Christian songs didn't.

So even until now, her songs still speak out to me, because I found a sort of simplicity, an underlying faith, humility in spirit and yearning for God (instead of the constant Hallelujah glory to God, yay!) in them that was what I wanted and needed in my relationship with God.

I kept wondering for a while now, and today finally that inkling was so strong I went to search up Corrinne May's faith. Yes I knew she is a Christian, but I felt a resonance with her faith that I don't find in other songs. Turns out my guess was right. She is Catholic!

Woo ok now maybe it explains my connection to her songs. And also an added confirmation of why I chose Catholicism. There are other reasons of course, but it's nice to have another little sign.

God bless her, wherever she is, for the blessings and comfort I have had received through her songs. And I'm sure many others have received the same consolations and help in their walk towards God.

The Lord is my Refuge.

I had a series of weird dreams last night. Are you are what you dream, or what you dream is what you think of during the day?

So my first dream was actually a church event thingy, held to celebrate the baptism for the newly-baptised...at a supermarket. It was no ordinary supermarket however, it was like a buffet! A fresh market buffet with lots of interesting things that I have always thought would be nice to try out. It was mostly Japanese delicacies. Eg. Raw fish of all kinds.

I was happily choosing the various species of crab I could find,  and basically going crazily exuberant at all the things to eat! A friend and I went around the different sections laughing and eating and being amazed at the vast selection, and just having fun with each other.

"Hey try this!" I said, after sampling a delicate Japanese dessert that resembled mochi, whispy melted candy and green tea, and we both exclaimed in delight at the ethereal sensation of the Japanese dessert. The Japanese always have exquisite desserts.

"I can't believe that we are free to trying everything! What is the catch!" Hahah, even in my dream, I'm always wary of being cheated.

"Well," my friend hesitated, "actually we are supposed to get people to buy at least $1350 worth of stuff so as to make up for the free food offered by the supermarket."

"Gasp! Am I one of your target then?" I was afraid that she was only being friendly and nice to me because she saw me as a sales target.

"No lah, I've hit my target already." She reassured me.

After that it was taking a chartered plane that almost crashed...and then dreaming about...going out with Shu Qi!! She was in a red gown, and I was going out with her when suddenly a man made a snide remark about her being a high-class...courtesan.

I tried to reassure that she shouldn't mind what others said, but apparently she had some inferiority complex and then left me at the MRT while I shouted after her.

Actually I wasn't exactly me, but someone else.


HAHAH OMG I KNOW RIGHT THIS IS DAMN WEIRD. But the thing is, I think I sort of incorporated the news about Zhang Ziyi selling herself out for money, and then superimposed Shu Qi's face that onto her (because Shu Qi herself had a 'blue' film background, but eventually gained enough respect for her work as an actress). Maybe I was subconsciously trying to give her encouragement over this.

Anyways, I don't know if the dreams of mine are supposed to be comforting ones, or heart-breaking reminders. Because I wake up feeling a little bit achey in the heart somewhere.

I met up with Little E today, and she told me all about her dream...which I think was really a lot weirder than mine, since it involved amputation, a woman turning into a cow and aliens?
After our meal, she followed me back to the office as we ate our Mr Bean ice cream (because it was sofa king hot) and gave me one hug, then another as she left. She just sent me a message thanking me for today. Hahahah. (I didn't really do much leh, just lent her stuff and listened to her quietly and encouraged her regarding her myriad pursuits.)

Apparently, I'm quite a nice person to hang out with, I think. I sometimes feel uncertain about whether I am, because it's not that I'm particularly entertaining to be with. I can be lively if I really have to, but sometimes I really prefer to be chill...I think it's cuz I'm lazy. HAHAHA.

side note: My colleague was very very angry today, she actually let out a yell of frustration, at some people we have to deal with. When she's away, I wonder how will I be able to deal with them? I get annoyed, but I'm torn between sympathy for these people being the kind of people they are ("How do they even manage to survive to this age? No wonder she is divorced, if this is her attitude towards life. Sigh.") and whether to not care about diplomatic ties between countries or corporations or even legal liabilities and start prosecuting people. Aiyo, it's like the UN here sometimes. Conflicts and bombings going on left-right-centre. Strangely, it's still more peaceful at work than what is going on at home now.

Divine Mercy

I actually wrote a post before this, but decided to keep it as draft. Because posting the contents itself would have almost been like sinning.

All I ask is that all of you reading this, my brethren, whether we are friend or foe. Please just pray for whatever that is plaguing me, because it is beyond human hands now, and only divine mercy will solve this. Pray like you're praying for my salvation, my life. Because it has really come down to that.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." - Proverbs 3

Of Bus Surfing and Seeing the Light

I know I'm not a particularly proficient driver. The first time after I drove my dad's car, my brother clambered out whey-faced, and told me he didn't want to sit in the car if I'm driving again. He involuntarily gagged a little and had to cover his mouth to prevent himself from regurgitating his lunch.

When I drove the twins and YL the other day, all of them held on to the railings and throughout the ride, were sputtering with laughter and fear. One of the twins said of my driving - "this is damn epic man."

Today, my colleague asked me when I was going to drive, so that he could see me for the last time. He told Joy's mom not to sit if I am driving, so as not to endanger Joy. (This colleague is probably joking though, as he has not been driven by me -- yet.)

Ok so my point is that I shouldn't cast stones at people, however as a longstanding (pun unintended) passenger of SBS buses, I really need to make an observation of this uncle who drives 103 in the morning. I think he has singlehandedly caused more occurences of morning sickness than pregnancy does.

Taking his bus is a very unsanitory experience, not because people are busy puking, but because I have to hold on to the hand rails. Yes, this is the OCD in me speaking. (Usually I studiously avoid touching rails because sometimes uncles use them in place of tissue after wiping their noses, along with other myriad creative uses.) So besides having to touch the rails, I've had people bumping into me willy-nilly and stepping on my feet several times.

Sometimes I rate the pleasantness of a bus ride with a few criterias, one of it being how many times people say sorry to me, or I say that to others. The average is about 1-2 sorrys per trip. So today's bus ride rated 7 sorrys.

Another rating is how many times, or the proportion of the trip I have to hold on for support. Usually I'm like Master Wu Gui in Kungfu Panda, I have reached a level whereby I can surf along with the flow of the bus, keeping my zen balance. Occasionally, sharp turns necessitate a finger-grab of the rails. This bus ride, I was skilful enough in keeping my balance most of the time, unfortunately I couldn't say the same for the guy beside me.  I had to embrace him in my welcoming arms as he hurtled into them.

Also the aunties and office ladies who stepped on my foot, connected elbows with my ribs and knocked an eye or two -- that's where most of the sorrys came from. One sorry came from me, when said guy barrelled into me -- again, and it's a domino effect because I got shoved into someone else's arms, and had to apologise to her.
"This bus driver...!" The guy gritted out to no one in particular, or perhaps it was meant for me as a form of apology? I know buddy, *pat pat* I know.

Like true martial arts style, I have become the pole I was trying to avoid. It is the greatest form of bus-surfing.

~~~~~~~~

After getting diagnosed by the Docter that I have anaemia, or even Thalassemia, I went straight away to buy iron tablets. Holy Beluga! Maybe it's a placebo effect, but the effects are truly liberating! "This, this is what it feels like to be normal!" I spread out my arms in freedom the next day after taking a pill.

After a few days of taking iron tablets, I feel like my mind has never been this concise since forever! It was like a lightbulb switched on, I felt my IQ going up. I have been thinking for a while now that I have gotten dumber. Maybe this is why I had trouble writing essays in Uni, I never felt up to it enough!
Okay, actually, it's just plain avoidant laziness.

Coming up in the next few entries: Joining an atheist forum, exploring a cemetery and the Bare Foot Walk

A Guide on how to care for Your Type 9

As with each latest discovery I have, I have a tendency to run away with it, researching and greedily drinking up all information with an obsessive focus. (which kinda fades after a while, although in later years, I will pick it up again every once in a while and observe it like an old man marvelling at his insect collection).

Bear with me -- if you're the type to read through the entire post instead of skimming. I need to know what my needs and wants are, and how to take care of myself, as well as other Type Nines around me.

Type Nine - The Peacemaker

Nines are motivated by the need to live in harmony, to merge with others, and to avoid conflict. Of all the Enneagram types, they are the most likely to identify with several other types. (Oh yeah, I read through each type's description and think, 'That could be me!')

Eights, Nines, and Ones constitute the gut center and have issues that revolve around self-forgetting and anger. Nines blend in, accommodate others, and forget their own real needs. They often express their anger unconsciously.

Nines at their BEST are:

• Accepting
• Patient
• Wise
• Empathic
• Kind
• Gentle
• Supportive
• Nonjudgmental
• Receptive
  

Nines at their WORST are:

• Passive-aggressive
• Stubborn
• Apathetic
• Unassertive
• Defensive
• Spaced-out
• Forgetful
• Obsessive
• Overly accommodating
  

What a Nine would say about himself:

"My friends say they feel relaxed, comfortable, and peaceful around me. Making decisions is often very difficult for me as I can see all sides of an issue. -Therefore I get deemed indecisive. Usually I like to set in place a back-up option that I will go to if I really can't decide, then spend the rest of my time ruminating about other options. Happens frequently when I order food. I try not to place demands on others and I become stubborn when people place demands on me. Sometimes I feel more ambitious for my partner than for myself. I tend to procrastinate. I am more likely to feel depressed and lethargic than angry. People like me because I am accepting, nonjudgmental, and unpretentious. I am very attached to my habits and routines. I am easily distracted. I like to have time each day to relax and let my mind wander. I'd often rather accommodate my partner than stand up for myself or confront him or her. I don't usually want all the attention to be on me. I often distract myself from my problems instead of trying to fix them. I am thought of as a good listener, but I don't concentrate on what people say as much as they think I do. (AHAHAHAHAH. So. Me.) I have trouble choosing one option and letting go of all the rest. People say I am too passive and too indecisive. I often feel anxious, but others usually aren't aware of it. -Yeah, it hits me like diarrhoea to a stomach. I like to believe that everything will work out in the long run. -Optimist, meet pot. I am not as competitive or concerned with status and prestige as many people are. Physical comfort is very important to me."

Wings
Nines with a strong Eight wing (9w8) tend to be willful, independent, lustful, steady, aggressive, competitive, and callous. They often oscillate between being confrontational and conciliatory. They usually make very effective leaders, even though they have the tendency to lose touch with themselves and puff up to feel more powerful. Yes, if you're thinking the above description might seem a little bit too passive and wishy-washy to be me, it's because I am more of this type^. When In Sec sch though, I used to always be so frustrated at myself for being a 'wuss' and unable to stand up for myself. In JC, I overcompensated and became the straight-talking army sergeant. Just look at my JC entries below and compared to the current person I am now. HAHAH. Wanting to kill someone Violent Tendencies 

Telling people to get over themselves and their weakness, period.

You're unreasonably sensitive, my bloody fault is it?

Nines with a strong One wing (9w1) tend to be modest, composed, self-controlled, orderly, principled, obsessive-compulsive, and self-righteous. They are usually highly principled and hardworking.

Occasionally, people present the persona of one of their wings - rather than their actual type - to the outside world. -Yes I overcompensated for my inner wussiness by becoming a Type 8. Read description below, and perhaps that would be the Type you would think I am.

Things Nines Would Never Dream of Doing...

• Refusing an invitation to the hot tub or to play golf because they want to get their taxes done a month early -Essays? What essays? Let's go paaarrteeehhh!
• Bragging for hours at their reunion about how wonderfully they are doing and not asking others how they are doing -Ah yes, the essential, ask after everyone and feel reluctant to talk about yourself I sometimes do at weddings.
• Making a to-do list that leaves no time for transitions or lounging, and then following it strictly -LOL. My timetables, if I ever make one, consists of breaks, and more breaks to recover from breaks.
• Wearing the gaudiest and most attention-grabbing outfit they can find to meet their new partner's parents -My mom has a more outgoing fashion sense than I do.
• Screaming and insulting their partner at the welcome party they are hosting for the new neighbors -Hate it whenever the parents start behaving like wrestlers in a ring...in public.
• Being ignored in a group outing and insisting on receiving all the attention for the rest of the evening -Ignoring me is fine.
• Deciding they were a nine immediately after reading this description and not wondering if they might be a different type -I spent most of yesterday thinking I might not be a 9, but I feel like a 9, but I might not be a 9 I might be a 2! Or 4! Or 5!
  

How to Get Along with Nines:

• Appreciate their kindness, gentleness, and patience -While I guess it won't stop me from being nice, sometimes I can feel taken for granted.
• Give them compliments, hugs, and other forms of loving attention -So shy to receive this, but internally likes it. *blushes*
• Appreciate what they do instead of focusing on what they didn't manage to get done
• Be patient when they take a long time to make a decision
• Be aware that some Nines take a request as an accusation that they haven't done everything they were supposed to
• Be sensitive about giving criticism or asking them to do something
• "Would you like to...?" and "Would you help me...?" will probably be well received, but they'll gnash their teeth if you say, "Do this!" or "You should do that!" -OHOHOHO.
• Keep in mind Nines often feel compelled to rebel under pressure, nagging, or complaining -I think that's why my mom gave up on me already. Rebellious, don't give a freak streak is strong in me.

How to Give Nines Extra Support:

• Be a good listener. They like to bounce their ideas off someone. -Yes yes!
• Encourage them to let their grievances out -Hai.
• Reassure them that you will not disconnect from them if they say no. They will often clam up, disappear, or space out rather than risk being rejected. -Hence Heidi's puzzling instances of push-pull interactions.
• Help them keep their environment peaceful -Green plants, Tacky Turtle, Calm music, low lighting...Seduction..Seclusion. 
• Encourage them to share their interests and desires with you rather than always going along with what you and others want to do
• Help them find out what they want to do or how they feel by asking clarifying questions. Offer them choices when they respond with vague answers. -HAHAHA yes I know, I frustrate the moojoojoos out of people when they ask me what I want and I just go.......
• Gently encourage them to prioritize and set goals -No Heidi, you really do not want to be playing those games now when you should be drawing out your long-term plans in life.
  

-Excepts from "Are You My Type, Am I Yours?" by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele



Type 8s
Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self- mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.


 

Alright, now to take this check-list and bring them to any relatives wanting to match-make me. Nah, this is what I want, what to do with me and what I don't like, churn out someone suitable please.

All About 9s

Warning: Self-Analysis and probably nothing to do with you.

Actually, even though I say I am volatile, uncontrollable and emotional, there is this abiding feeling in me that thinks "hey I am not like that."

If I really were like that, I don't think I would see myself that way. Similarly, a person with narcissistic personality disorder, wouldn't think that he/she has that disorder. You are blind to the lack or fault in you, especially when it is a prominent trait.

If anything, what I really dislike is feeling volatile, uncontrollable and emotional. I don't like anxiety and conflict, and ironically, might get into conflicts in an attempt to avoid conflicts. How? Let's say I know that there is a conflict going on, and perhaps other people will ignore the underlying conflict, but I might address the conflict so as to extinguish it. "Why can't we all just get along?" or, "Why can't you just get over it?"

Or in another case, I would totally withdraw in order to disassociate myself from the danger of the conflict, or unhappiness. If there's an argument going on in a group, especially if it's between me and others, I will automatically withdraw or isolate myself. "I rather retreat than go head-to-head."
Probably when I was younger, the behavioural traits were more apparent and obvious,  and I deeply resent showing emotions/weakness in public, or if people try to get me involved emotionally. I value my independence, my safety and security zone above everything. (That's why I always look at people like nice, emotive, outgoing people like Marya warily and in puzzlement. "How can you be so open to people? And cry so easily?")

I don't like sad endings, tragic stories, negative emotions, over-excitement, and conflicts. That's why I was such a horrible Lit student, since I refused to read the books, or even buy them. Most lit stuff are, sad, tragic, melancholic, nihilistic, thrives on conflict and wallows in misery and nostalgia, and I detested stories like that, preferring to stick to my romance novels and dramas with happy endings. Before I get started on any book or drama, I check to see if it's a happy ending.

Maybe it's hard to believe someone like me actually has a conflict-avoidant personality, me included. But as I delve deeply into my unconscious drives, I realise much of my behaviour and reaction stems from the desire to avoid sad, stressful, and tension-filled situations.
Eg. Rollercoaster rides, going on these actually gives me anxiety attacks. While people scream joyfully, and lift their arms up, I grit my teeth, gripped the handlebars and refuse to make any sound. Everything centers on staying in control and uninvolved in the reality of flying through mid-air.
-Quarrels, hate them, get anxious whenever my they start quarrelling, which is like, everyday. You would think 20 years of this daily would give me immunity,  but I still feel gut-rolling discomfort whenever it happens.
-Stress, never admit that I have it.
-Anger, repress it.
-Opinions, never straightforwardly state my them. Rather be accommodating than let people know what I actually want. Actually, what people want, is what I want.
 
After that God's sense of humour put me in such situations that I was drawn out of this repressive, escapist and detached tendencies of mine.
Placid? Content? Peace-loving? All becoming repressed. I suspect my frequent IBS resulted because I couldn't keep safe and withdrawn any more, so all the anxiety symptoms manifest in my gut. I frequently act out because of that physical discomfort I feel. Furthermore, people like me tend to meld into others, our self-identities becoming vague because we do not like asserting ourselves against others. I should have been more aware of that, especially since I have such a hard time saying "no" to people. It's like, I rather cut off my arm than reject people. So for a while, I let people define the person I am, because I am not even sure if I am the person I am.

That's why I like to self-analyse. Since I lack a defined sense of self, I feel like I'm a little bit of everything, yet not everything of anything.

Yesterday, after meeting with Amelia (whom I think is a very matured Christian thinker, more on that another day) I went home and did an Enneagram test and the results are like, staggering for me.

I am a Type 9 -- The Peacemaker, Mediator

Type Nine in Brief

Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

• Basic Fear: Of loss and separation
• Basic Desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"
• Enneagram Nine with an Eight-Wing: "The Referee"
• Enneagram Nine with a One-Wing: "The Dreamer"

Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.


So anyway, the whole thing is like Type 9s are like turtles, they like to withdraw and retreat from emotionally demanding situations, and be safe and secure in their own way. They have a tendency to tune out people and situations, and disengage emotionally and mentally. They are ambivalent to their own needs and wants and tend to "go-along" so that we could get along. Laid-back, placid, optimistic, self-effacing, outwardly calm, gentle, easy-going, patient, inclusive, encompassing and accepting of people.

I know the basic arguments that trying to type yourself can result in a self-fulfilling prophecy or tendency to excuse yourself, or that we shouldn't label people or people just don't have types. While it can be misused this way, that is not the purpose of personality types.
This person puts it well:

"Once you discover your type, you are no longer bound by it"
David Daniels
Clinical Professor of Psychology
Stanford Business School

The Reason Why

Reading the news on the woman who died of cancer at 34, about Emma Yong who also died of cancer at 37, it affirms anew how much time we actually do not have.

It is not even about when the world will End, or when Jesus will come again, but when your candle will extinguish. 

Recently I had some alarms about my own state of health. I never was in tip-top shape because I was always easily fatigued. (A later helped me with the diagnosis of iron-deficiency.) I thought, if I were to die, would I feel regretful.?

First thought -- Family
Fortunately, I have insurance that should give them pay-outs, they shouldn't suffer too much without me.

What I am doing now in life:
- Working in a Christian organisation, the emphasis is always on serving God. Despite my frequent lapses when I do other stuff on the laptop, I always try to keep in mind that I am there to serve, God and the people.
- Reading the bible. I have been trying to study the Bible everyday, and keep myself informed and centred about the Faith I have chosen. A reward is that God is always in my mind, and a reminder to live accordingly.
- While there are many places I would like to travel, see and experience, learn etc etc...It is not something of a regret that I won't be able to do them if I do die early. A lot of these things are for the benefit of myself only, while they do make my life richer, the essential is to have a rich spiritual life.
- Even if I do not manage to become a social worker, the fact that I'm taking steps now to walk towards the path, makes me feel like I am already willing to do God's ways, and more at peace rather than with all the strivings and ambitions that I would have had I chosen something more worldly.

Relationships:
- Not the usual romantic ones people might think of. So for me, perhaps more towards friendships. I have done my best, done what I could. Prayed to God and try to act according to how the bible prescribes. If I die today, I know I have tried my hardest to take out any logs in my eye, and see people as the best they can be, and generally have faith in them. Because we are all made in the image and likeness of God, for that alone we ought to love them, as God has loved us first.


Having thought through all these things, it seems almost a pity that I'm not going to die young, when I'm so prepared.


Dear God,

I finally realised, how much of a burden, a nuisance and a bother I have become to some people.

Without meaning to.

This is not what I meant, this is not my intention. This is not my purpose. I am not doing this to seek anything. I can say these all I want, but the fact is it won't be taken this way and won't change anything.

I would rather not have known what had happened, so that I can go on trying to be good, God. Now that it has come to this, should I bow out? Just so no one has to feel inconvenienced or uncomfortable because of my presence. Should I tie a millstone around my neck and throw myself into the Bedok Reservoir? (ok that was for humour's sake). It isn't really what I wanted, envisioned, or even something I will be doing, but saying all these, will anyone believe, or even have faith in me that way? I highly doubt so. I could put a muzzle around my mouth, be tied up with a strait jacket and still people would expect bad and immature things from me. Because I am volatile, because I have no self-control and that my nature is like that.

Yes, I do live with so many things on my mind, so many things pressing down on my heart, that it sometimes leak out uncontrollably. Sometimes however, all it takes is a little faith and trust to be such a balm to my soul. Rather than it being hard to believe, trust, have faith and smile because of all these, it becomes easier instead because I know, how precious things like that are.

You know what, I wouldn't have done that, I stopped myself from doing that. So hearing what was done today, I didn't know whether to feel sad or angry. So now, I'm just going to take all these up to the Lord, do as you will, because you will know best. You will do what is right. I'm just going to sit hear and wait, and try to listen to the small still voice.

"Teach me, and I will hold my peace: and if I have been ignorant in any thing, instruct me." (Job 6)