I would walk in chains for you if you'd only give me the key.

Yes it's the end of the year and I've delayed posting something for a long time. No, not new year resolutions, but at least a resolution to all the gloomy posts you see I've been posting for a while.

Actually it's not as if my life has become damn tragic or whatever, it just took a turn into some Hong Kong drama serial kitsch. I did wrote a whole long post as to what had happen, and is happening but decided not to post it (cuz I'm lazy to write everything out and it still isn't finished). And also because with the lack of a real ending yet it's best not to put things down lest I become a hypocrite and have to eat my words and throw my morals to the four winds.

Overall I would like to say that Cynthia's tattoo is very right, "Losing all hope is freedom". Maybe I shall get one for myself and heck the pain even though I am the wimpiest person when it comes to self-inflicted torture.

IHG and sports, I was wrong to hate them. Given my closet anarchist tendencies and a nihilism I never grew entirely out of I am somewhat a commitment-phobe with the Epicurean philosophy of enjoying the finer, sensual things in life. Much like my childhood nickname Xiao Ou; little seagull. I just had some choices that was between the head and the heart to make.

My pillar of goodness is made of salt, the salt of sweat, the brine of tears and yet easily washed away.

Life is not a physics test whereby you go in memorising all the formulas to solve problems with. I should know because I am a complete vacuum cleaner when it comes to physics.
So yeah, exciting life ahead oh my momo. Friends who know what I mean and what is happening, please make sure I do not stray from the wrong path ok.

Drag me back from the edge of hell itself, because that's what I would do for you.

(uh yeah, I know this post sounds gloomy again and all, but it's not like that really. Like I'm cross between the pessimistic Eeyore and worry-wart Piglet. I'm just learning to dance like a Bollywood star and shaking my bon bons to the coconut trees because I wholly embrace the masala* in my life)



*Such [Bollywood] movies are called masala films, after the Hindi word for a spice mixture. Like masalas, these movies are a mixture of many things such as action, comedy, romance etc. Most films have heroes who are able to fight off villains all by themselves.

I really really frickin hate IHG and all the duties of this bloody shit job I have to do right now. I really hate being the captain, why the heck did I take it up in the first place.

Once and Always.

“What defines a best friend? What are the requirements to be a good best friend? How many hours a week does it entail? Stupid questions that have no answers. A best friend is not defined by how many times they talk on the phone, or how many hours they hang out together. It is not defined by how many sleepovers they gossip at, or how many inside jokes they have. There are no requirements or laws that state that a good best friend must hang out with them every weekend, or tell each other every little detail. A best friend is a matter of opinion. It is the person who has been there for you through everything, not just through the fun things, or the little things. It is the person that you call when you are at your absolute worst, it is the person who saves you when you didn’t even notice that you needed saving, mostly it is the person who accepts you for who you are, and the person that you are becoming."

- Unknown

"I will still love you, even if you become a murderer and like you know, start killing people and stuff."

"I will still love you even if you become a Catholic."

"....WHAT??"

Then come kiss me, sweet-and-twenty!
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
William Shakespeare

But love endures and we shall count time not with the minutes that tick, nor the wrinkles that line our faces, or distance oceans-wide. But in moments of shared laughter and giving solace, in splashed puddles and whispered secrets, we will brand eternity in timeless ways.

"Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.

We become images of what is remembered forever."

Christmas Lights.

I found you,
in the corner
with your heart clutched in your hands
and your soul in broken shards
that glitter around you like a skirt
you've spread to keep
you in, us out.

If I walk across
gently, picking my way through
would you let me,
let me in.
I will gather your pieces,
even if they should pierce my skin
and make me bleed
to string them into christmas lights for you.

The promise of rain.

Maybe I am tired.
There are just too many things to run away from in this world and the one thing I need to escape from, is the only thing that I can't --- myself.

Like the dark side of the moon, there is one face I never present to the world.
There is a difference between not all is right, and all is not right. The former, one that could still be dealt with in spite of while the latter is a slowly crumbling mess.

Crisis.

On this day of your life, Heidi, we believe God wants you to know ... that you are unique and precious.
Message from God
When you try to value yourself for being the best in something, you are bound to fail. Even Olympic champions are the best only for a few years. You are precious to God not because there is no one better than you, but because you are a unique creation of mind, body and spirit, - there is no one like you, - and that is exactly what makes you so indescribably precious.

I needed to know that. I needed to.

Memory assails me like a too ardent lover, its fingers pressing deep into crevasses and layering with me alternating waves of longing and sorrow; you try hard to fight against the embrace but still give in at the end. Willingly engulfed.

"Life, like a child, laughs, shaking its rattle of death as it runs."

I always knew it was a fact of life that people die. Young, old, poor or rich, it doesn't matter who you are or what you did, you'll never outrun the shadow of death. Its menace lingers even if you had a thousand bright Patronuses to chase it away. I just forgot about it and now I should have known better. Now that I am too late to say goodbye.

He caught my soul,
when I threw it out across a corner of the world
awaiting with trepidation
and then delight to find
a ribbon-wrapped present in its place.
Glimmering warmth like a precious star,
it was a little bit
of his own soul too.

We sat with our cups of tea, against the window watching the sky. Sunset bleeds its pastel colours and smudge your face in golden orange. Your eyes reflect multi-shades of emotions -- goodbye one of them. Dusk arrives and fades you into its inky darkness. I stood up and cleared away your cup, with the imprint of your lips still there upon its rim.




“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

Going Under.

When I was young, I swam every week due to having swimming lessons and living close enough for the nearest swimming complex to be a mere walk away. Being the daredevil I was, I soon disdained the kiddy swimming pools and advanced myself to the Olympic-size ones; without a thought to whether I could handle it or not.

I was a little shorter than 1.2m, or around there, and the adult pools were at least 2m deep. I could never touch ground even if I stretched to the tip of my toes, unless I forsake the surface and plunged headlong to the tiled bottom I could barely see (since I don't wear goggles).

If I had felt free and light-weight in the supporting succor of water, I had also felt trapped in its embrace, fighting against the press its grasp with my flailing arms. Most of the time, I was content to just lie on my back and float, let the sun warm me with gentle fingers while I imagine myself drifting among cotton-candy clouds.

It was treading water that I found difficult, the continued motion of trying to break surface and remain there. Blue all around, blue skies above, bottomless blue body of water below, blue all over. I've never felt the weight of myself more than when trying to lift myself up.

Right now I feel as if I've been thrown out into the sea treading water. I can't touch ground and I can't get out.

RE: Thanksgiving

Ok this post is specially dedicated to Charlynn of C block.

Charlynn takes 2 modules with me this sem, one is political science and the other is forensic science. Wah I didn't realise I'm actually taking two 'science' mods this sem. Ok besides the point.

Anyways, for PS, I often do not go for lects because it falls on a Monday and I don't have lessons on Tues, and Wed and I didn't want to go to school because it's so far there's a reason I chose to stay in hall. So poor C has to sit alone during lectures (which is probably good for her because I might just distract her anyways with my dozing offs/random comments.

For forensic science, we both pay attention, and like to scrutinise body parts whereas Joshpy cannot take it sometimes.

So thankfully for both these modules, I always have Charlynn to remind me and tell me what's going on. And print stuff for me! Like I don't even have lecture notes, so I always borrow hers for studying. The book also, her own notes, her essay. And she's always encouraging me and helping me.
She even baked me a chicken!
Ok I mean she gave me chicken essence and helped me to warm it up some more.

Also she helps me to da bao food back because I'm always in my room and too lazy to go out (plus she has Adrian to go with her HAHA)

And also lend me stuff/give me her food stuff/lend me her weighing machine and a lot a lot more.
I think if I do well in my mods I have her to thank.

So what have I done for her? I got her addicted to country story on facebook!! AHAHA. And like, always stain her notes with food/drool/whatever random stuff that happens to be in my mouth.
OMG. I'm such a good for nothing neighbour! LOL.

And sometimes when I really need someone to talk to, she's there. Like when I feel very random and need to dance, move about, sing, play, gossip and stone about she and her room is there for me. That my sem has been rather bearable and even fun with all the food outings is also due a lot to her.
So I am really thankful that she bears with me (or at least never complain straight to my face heheh!) and is soooo nice/considerate/thoughtful.

I rarely do this kinda mushy thank you post so you can tell I'm really appreciative and thankful from the bottom of my broken heart/There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know...AHAHAH I'M KIDDING ABOUT THE BROKEN HEART THING!! It's just a Britney Spears song and I couldn't resist singing it, at least in the blog.

Oh and currently I'm really very sick of words right now, that writing, or even thinking about writing just makes me feel nauseous but I really have to thank her because tomorrow is the political science paper and I'm using her notes/textbooks. And it's a freaking Saturday morning paper and I have my cousin's wedding after that (which reminds me I might also borrow C's clothes *pengz*)

Heidi is very sincerely touched and grateful!
I will really miss you when you go Sweden next sem!! Although I (and I'm sure all of the 4th floor long-wingers) would wish you were here next sem, I hope you have your well-deserved break and buy me some nice souvenir since you have allowance from your scholarship. are so nice.

Muacks! Love ya! (I might even compose for you a poem if the inspiration strikes, but uh, currently just thinking about writing/composing actually makes me feel like something is rising up my throat so I shall dedicate a poster I really like and let it suffice for now.) Coincidentally, thanksgiving has only just passed so this post is how appropriate can.























"If you really want to touch someone, send them a letter."

I think I can join the Subaru challenge. 'Cept that it's a Subaru, not a BMW.

Want to post this in the midst of my more than a day sleep-deprivation so I can read back in the morn and got "doh".

My lecturer gave me another day's extension weepah but means I can't not do the essay. I'm sick of essays seriously I'd rather take exams.

Sat through a meeting today am amazed I never fall asleep. Followed by buffet lunch at Shangri-La afer that. Was sad because didn't have appetite for huge spread of food.
Actually not planning to talk about my day yet but seems that I've already typed.

Am going to sleep. Waking up early tomorrow.

Am spazzing off, mili-seconds of blankness. It's quite cool I wonder if drug users feel the same way. I think people are laughing at me because I speak a bit slowly.

Where to look when...

It was really quite unbearable, the pain. It was like being eaten alive from the inside and there's no way to stop it. I remember thinking that it probably felt almost, if not as bad, as childbirth. At least you get to have painkillers then.
That was the night when I had one of my most upsetting pains from stomach flu/IBS ever. One of the worst things was, it also affected me psychologically, screwed up my mind such that the pain sent me spiraling straight into a tumult of tormenting emotions. It created a vicious cycle whereby my emotions was directly proportional to the amount of pain. The slightest twinge of negative emotion, fear or sadness, and my stomach would clench.

I almost wished I could die there and then.

So why am I typing all this out? Because I'm getting brain-f***ed by essays due. But I think IBS has loosened its demonic claws on me already because the last serious episode was too long to remember, probably even more than a year ago. Therefore right now, what I am feeling is nothing more than irritation that I have a deplorable lack of motivation to write essays and leaving things till the last minute. And uh, I might be getting a teeny bit delirious because I called up the one person who irritates me the most as I thought he might be going through the same thing and probably worse (since he's not as cheerful as I am).

I talked random nonsense with him and tried to persuade him into coming back to hall so that I can make use of his car and go traveling to all the food places I want. I also asked him about his love life, his dream that was shattered and all the other impersonal stuff. Until he thought that I was probably worse off than him and he kept asking me if I was ok, thereby ironically turning the tables on me. I called him to check up on his mental state and make him feel better and there he was thinking I probably am more messed up than he is currently.

HAHA. The irony of it.

Another 4 more essays to go.
When you want courage for a task, read Joshua 1.

i'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.

I wish I have the power of wish fulfillment, and can wish to have my essays done in the poof of a wink or twitching brow.
Instead I'm stuck here creating sonnets in my mind when I actually should be committing words to paper (or at least a pixelised screen).

A screen that flashes reprove, whenever I switch it on, its glow the brightest on a plain white document, and duller in pages like Facebook. Or my imagination is playing tricks, guilty conscience gnawing at me in the gut.

Ok so the above can be summarised into one short phrase -- "FRICKIN DO YOUR ESSAYS HEIDI!" screams Heidi silently in her head.

So I have been actively doing anything else but studying this week, that includes food outings with the holy people, food outing with SY, interminable going-ons that is hall life and restlessness for you.

After Foren.Sci lecture, Joshpy, Char, SY, YL, Esther and I went to this place I've been wanting to try for sooo long. The tex-mex place! Selling mexican food plus beer and stuff and I ordered almost everything for them, including my long, longed-for nachos!! OOOOOOogaaaaa SHAAAGAAA!!! The only thing I didn't order, was Josh's marinara thingy which was ok only cuz he is not an experienced connoisseur of food like yours fatty truly.

Then we chit chat, and SY made goo-goo eyes at Joshpy (she complained of feeling sick and stuff but as usual J didn't pay much attention.) Actually J wanted to go some place else but we changed plans because SY didn't want to drive so far as she is afraid she would faint halfway. She kept asking if J was alright with the change in plans I said it doesn't really matter to him.

I feel like a translucent shadow in front of SY whenever it comes to J. She sees through people and focuses entirely on J. Sigh. Poor Tacky.

(On sat she came to find me and we spent omfg $60 on Jap food for 2 people, I vow not to eat Jap food for the next three months oh be strong Heidi)

We drank beer, don't like beer, YL finished mine gladly. SY drank a non-alcoholic Tequila Sunrise, which is kinda like an oxymoron and tastes like cough medicine. Mocktails are like mock meat but less tasty, waste of money that we could have spent on other food instead. (But not my money so I.D.R.C)

After that a waiter told us there was a live band playing, since it was such a chilly night both in temperature and in mood, we wanted to go check it out. As we proceeded up the winding staircase, a blast of noise hit us --- a woman's voice squawked out the chinese lyrics to Fish Leong's song. We then laughed like giddy mad fools and rushed down the stairs. I don't exactly know why it was such an unanimous burst of laughter, but that's the way with shared humour sometimes. The inexplicable moment where everything clicks into place and everyone just gets it without a second's hesitation.

To post everything here will be too long and boring and well the most exciting that happened was...






Yiling and I slept together at last.

HAHAHAHAHHAHA.

Ok we shared the same bed (my bed yah) after a long chat about important trivialities. A hint of predawn light broke through the gaps in my curtains before we finally lay our heads down upon my single pillow. It was good morning and good night, and a goodbye 3 hours later.

On Tuesday, which is today actually, the 4th floor girls will be dining dinner at the Italian Restaurant I've also wanted to try for sooooo longs. Most of the 4th floor girls can make it (all of the short wing girls!!)
That's my greatest achievement for block lah, when I was telling the 6th floor girls about our dinner date, Rach said "4th floor girls damn haps lah" (happening)
oh my momo!
Actually the 6th floor girls are also going on a food outing today too, but theirs is lunch and not all can make it. Furthermore it's Jap food. "Jap food is like sooo last month!" I said snidely jokingly.

My neigbour's bf invited me to go cable-skiing in December. This is indeed the floor of random people. Loves it.

Ok I know my life sounds chokeful of activity now, it is chokeful of essays I wish(see wish again) that I could throw down the drain and dance naked around a fairy ring under the moonlit sky in pagan exuberance. But life is magical still. I hope to convey this to Mr J. who sees life through pessimistic glasses as of now. I can't hold up his burdens (it's all about studies we all agree he has no affinity for it) but I hope at least I could pass him a staff to lean on.
Shrug the world off your shoulders, Atlas.
Your soul is aching from too much to handle,
let it go, let it roll
and know faith's a thing that will get you through.
Today, tomorrow, and for all your days.






Tomorrow, I will be watching a spectacular meteor shower, and the stars will dance for me. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Let me soar away tomorrow then.











deeds cannot dream what dreams can do
-time is a tree (this life one leaf)
but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

It's supposed to be good...

Ok I decided to write a second entry because I have other updates.

1. I need a dress for my cousin's wedding at the Shangri-La hotel. And I think have to be those atas (posh) kind by virtue of location and grandness of the event. Omg lah. How lah??
Not to mention shoes and accessories!

2. I've been offered a chance to go Australia for 2 weeks. The catch? Within this 3 weeks.
Why ah why ah, why does it always have to be so short notice and during exam/essay period ah?

The Long and Short of It. Alright face it, this post is looong.

I think my blog has become like, boring leh. Cuz normally I like to read back on my posts and snortle (snort + chortle) at them because they are funny. They remind me of the funny events, and also because it's me typing. Who else can get my sense of humour better than I do and laugh at all the lame jokes that people don't get simply because I get them and can't help chuggling (chuckle + giggle) at my own wit.

Yes I shall endeavour to recover my adroitness and witty way with words. Except that I got rather traumatised at dinner one day in hall when I probably made some sexual innuendos (whaaat...I can't help it what!) and then one of the guy said "They told me you're like that, you really are quite dirty-minded!"

I was like "OMG WTBBQSAUCE!" I got very disturbed after that and worriedly tried to recall all the people I've ever sexually harassed whether in language or in action. Despite my fervent protestations of innocence and dragging a scapegoat in "CHARLYNN IS MORE KINKY THAN I AM!!" I damned myself even more with my sputtering. The proverbial shooting yourself in the foot.

Now he and the rest of the guys will probably think I am desperate!! I was praying that he wouldn't think I'm into him or something (with his fancy red sportscar and alright cuter than average looks). Oh gawd I hope not. Wo tiao jing huang he ye xi bu qing le! (I jump into yellow river also cannot wash clean)

Alright on to next news. On Friday I had forensic science lesson which had no gruesome pictures yay. But the lecturer was a forensic psychologist which was like so sexy. I mean intellectually stimulating. So anyways, I've always been interested in pathological motivations so imagine how thrilled I was when you have this guy who can probably tell whether or not you're lying with one twitch of your unplucked eyebrows! *twitch twitch*
And he let us watch a brief, but fascinating clip of this show "Lie To Me" which was based on Paul Ekman, whom I've read about before and was inspired by ever since then to become a better liar. One of the most eminent psychologists in the world, and...he's still alive!! (Eh, well don't you think a lot of those famous and super smart people are dead)

After the lesson Josh wanted to ask him a question, which I immediately guessed was similar to what I wanted to ask the lecturer too. About internship opportunities.

Anyways, on that day itself, we received back both our CA and our project results! If you recall in my previous posts I talked about how stupidly I answered the forensic science test and when it was told to the students that most people did badly I immediately classified myself as "most people." I went to check my results with no expectations and saw an "A-" which I thought was a bug. I click here click there trying to find out if that's the default grade and then thought "Ok maybe everyone has like A or A+."

Suffice to say, I didn't believe I got an A- and it's above average. It's a bug. Or everyone else has the same grade. Then Charlynn came and she told me she got an A- I was like "eh me too!" and I think she was incredulous. At the point I still thought, maybe that's the default grade.

Then we got back our individual project results which again I expected no more than average grade and got a B+. I thought it was an average grade too, considering I saw a girl with an A. (she later turn out to be the top student in the whole lecture for project grades). But I thought a B+ was not bad too, I was curious about how C and J did and had hoped that they (or at least C) would get better grades than me.

In the end Charlynn told me Josh's results and internally I felt an apprehension which she immediately confirmed because she told me his stunned and disbelieving reaction to my CA grade. "How can she get A-??" Then I realise my project grade was also higher than both of theirs and I didn't know how to react. It's those kind of situations you can't really joke about because you're not the one you can laugh at. Like "oh hahah yeah I deserve my lousy grades lets go partehhh!"

I was already feeling quite guilty inside and J kinda compounded that by refusing to tell me his grades initially (masculine ego). But of course he cured me a little of that guilt by refusing to acknowledge that I'm smart (he brought it up, not me) then remarking how impossible it was I got my grades and implying I don't deserve it (YES I KNOW DAMMIT) I was indignant because F.Sci was the only module that I diligently attended almost every lecture for and copied down notes! Ok I know I sound pissed here but I'm not. It's just the way him and I interact. Like hedgehogs.

After that all of us (twins, Yiling, SY (ohohoho how can she miss out if a particular someone is going) Vivi and Juju, Char, J and I) went to Al-Ameen! Actually I had this impression it was spelt as L-Amin. After my delicious encounter with the naan and butter chicken during night cycling a week ago, I was determined to go back there and so just about a week later we were back and raring to enjoy good food!! Oh I live for food.

J and I shared a sizzling steak which was soo good that Vivi demanded a taste. And we ordered to our hearts' content. Conversation was laughing at me (as usual) and trying to dig out all my scandals and mentioning all the guys I'm supposedly involved with. Baaah. Then someone (I think J) said that I have a big mouth and he has a small mouth, Vivi also said her mouth was small. To my horror, everyone agreed I do have a big mouth (as in size wise) and SY then said "You know all those caricatures of people?" I nodded, expecting her to say something like, the artiste would probably emphasize my grin if he was drawing me. "Yah, I always think they look like you."

WHAT!!!! Then people started laughing and agreeing "yeah yeah!"
Har, why do I always have such horrible images of me huh huh huh?

Ok from there conversation then lead to bestiality. (sex with non-human mammals) I feel so dirt just typing it out. It's jsut so incongruous having the CG Christian people also talking about such ungodly stuff. They are not all holy moly and "eew lets not talk about sex I'm squeamish!" people. Which I am glad for. Sh*t. Does this mean I'm really like what "they" (whoever they are) say?? That I'm really dirty-minded???

Ok my entry has gotten really long too long and I haven't finish what I want to say. I should probably end it here but along with the ups I know I need to document my downs to because this is life. My God message on FB is quite appropriate:

On this day of your life, Heidi, we believe God wants you to know ... that you can't rid the world of sorrow, but you can choose to live in joy.

Sorrow is with us not because we are bad at stopping it, but simply because it's part of being human. What matters is not whether good or bad things happen - both will, but your relationship to them.

On Thursday I chose to attend my block's culture night and was all set to embarrass myself on stage. Then I received the draw results from the interhall games meeting. My hall is pitted against two halls we could not possibly hope to win. In the middle of all the noise and cheering crowd I felt this caving in while my mind kept repeating "Oh God I should have fought harder for the 3rd and 4th seeding" and had to hurry to my room before things got too unbearable to hold in. I had to just be alone with the ramifications for a while. Everything, the consequences, the hopelessness, the pointlessness of it all just flashed through my mind and I didn't know how I was to go on training the girls knowing all the while it's gonna be all useless. Not even semi-finals, but to be last or 2nd-last. What a far drop from the champions we were and how it has to happened while I am captain. The trainings that I've fretted over, the trainings to come, the feeling of letting down my team mates, the responsibility, the burden, the strength to carry on...

A call came and I was to go down to the hall now because our act was starting, it was one of the hardest thing to drag myself away from the pillow and head down towards the revelry going on and put up a show and laugh and smile. I was tempted not go through with it but in the end I did. It was a little of a mess, our performance and it was distracting. Underneath the glare of the lights I grinned widely while cringing inwardly about having my FB video mentioned again. They pushed the mike to me but I didn't want it, someone shouted from the audience "Heidi act shy!" and I pretended not to hear it. "I don't know how to sing the song!" I whispered loudly.

It was probably a good and bad thing I didn't go for the IHG meeting, in hall at least a have a room to run to. If I were at the meeting I would have to bottle everything in for hours. Bad thing because I might have been able to fight harder for a chance. But I am quite alright now. Whenever the wave of hopelessness about the situation rise over me I pushed it away because nothing can come out of wallowing in the unchangeable. (I must admit I still feel very tempted to BOYCOTT!! RIOT STRIKE!!) I was over it until on Sat, Shi Qian showed all his angsty bitterness about the results for his own sport and aroused my own passionate response.

Eww sounds so wronnggg, meee? Passionate response aroused by 4k?? HAHA. The most passionate response I had was "EH YOUR SALIVA!!" I tried to calm him down and encourage him because he was very angry/worked up/emo and I suspect many captains in my hall felt the same way. We then bitched about our common enemy, a certain hall I shall not name. AJAHRKJSFKJS. He was also angsty about someone from our own hall whom he thought didn't show enough support. I myself felt the same way, that the person didn't fight hard enough for all of us, yet I couldn't really blame the person.

But yeah, on Thursday, while I was still grappling with my own frustrations, SQ was very obviously outraged because he slammed the gate and strode off from a bunch of us without talking much. Now he wants to give up his captaincy and seem to have lost all motivation and morale already. Tsk tsk. I slapped him on his back to cheer him up, I hope it's hard enough.

I had this very unbecoming urge to shove all the duties and sai gang (sh*t job) up someone's ahem, rear hole. Still do actually. But when life gives you lemonades...Throw them in someone's face!

*grins like a caricature*

And now to end on a happier note (ok not exactly happy but at least more upbeat) I showed Vivi fragments of my creative writing work for a module and she said "It's like from a cheap love story!" Which I kinda agree, but romance novels are not cheap! Done right, they provide hope, love and romance to millions of lonely women out there! Better than therapist/psychiatrist can! Ok lah, I admit it's an excuse, I don't want to write dark and depressing stuff because the class needs more cheesy love stories and I'm there to provide nachos along with my story(which I have doubts I can even churn out).

The other day during creative writing class, my friend had her play read out. It contains strong language and umm a rather graphic scene. But it was so wickedly amusing to hear the guy with the long rocker hair saying "harder" and "f***" in a dead-panned voice and the girl who looks so darn innocent talking dirty and trying to give a semblance of a moan as the script directed. The moan came out more like a squeak and it caused the entire red-faced class to burst out into awkward but genuine laughter. The guy narrating the script directions rushed through the words, especially when it came down to some rather naughty bits but we took it all in, in good fun. Lit students aren't very anal about propriety. Spot the pun(s) and innuendos. *guffaws*

Dang it, I really am dirty-minded.

There's a song that's inside of my soul.

In a dilemma, on Thursday, which is today actually I have three simultaneous activities which are important.

For the past almost one year, every Thursday I have been having Catholic lessons but recently it has come to a close. Well not really, but because I'm not getting baptised my journey is at its end. That leaves me feeling a little bereft for I like having a weekly spiritual fix.

I can choose to go though, but will be seating behind as I watch the expectant future Catholics going through rehearsals for their baptism. Again, always the onlooker, looking in and feeling left out.

Today, I also have a block culture night thingy going on and my floor would be performing. It'll be a night of memories of floor bonding I wouldn't want to miss out.
I also have an Inter-Hall Games thingy going on whereby captains from all halls would be meeting to sign stuff and draw lots for games, complete with speeches and refreshments...maybe even debates! Very 'long zhong' (ostentatious) occasion. If there happens to be disagreements over the rules there might even be catfights!

So how now brown Tacky? Which one should I choose? Heart, Memories, or Curiousity?
Feel like skipping classes tomorrow also to do an essay that's one week and 1 day overdued.

Why am I always living life so vicariously?

Today, they had a movie screening for "A Walk to Remember". I've never watch the show but I know the storyline. I've never been one for sad endings, so I skipped it, but the movie's songs play over and over at the back of my heart.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

I Will Be Chasing The Starlight

Well Culture Night (where all the culture groups in hall will perform) is over, and it is most probably my last one ever.

That fact didn't dawn upon me until I was standing on stage and taking group photos and I realise, "hey, this is my last culture night!"

I didn't exactly feel very sad about that, more like a little tired and frazzled from all the lights and activities and in A's words "I'm glad it's over."

Next major choir activity would be caroling, one of my most fav hall activities ever. I've been feeling a little guilty recently for not being to attend choir practices as often as I should, being a section leader, I should have foreseen all the troubles that are brewing. So, I shall do my part as a senior and SL and try to offer my support and advice/guidance. I went to talk to A in Choir today and also persuaded her to do what we can to help and support. I owe the current chair this much. But I hope she won't think I'm being kaypoh or critical =\ Cuz I don't have the credibility of being the chair for choir before also, so feel a bit embarrassed if I give unfounded/unsound advice. Previously I still had the ex-ex-ex chairs around so I could approach them to do what I can't do. Now it's time to step up and be a firm senior!

HAHAHA. I sound so old!!

This year I have really been taking a lot of initiatives for events and activities in hall, like random people food outings, which I don't really mean to but in the midst of all the responsibilities I tend to run wild and start having very random cravings. Maybe it's because I subconsciously want my last year to go out in a bang. Time is running out, I am in a Hysteria. Not to fade away like a Supermassive Black Hole, but to burn my Starlight bright.

Do you know how photographs are created? Images are formed when light falls onto a light-sensitive surface. Similarly, in the destructive aftermath of an atomic explosion, the burning light is strong enough to imprint on to surfaces such as walls, shadows of what was once living. A human caught in the midst of that explosion, his shadow with outstretched arms forever immortalised upon a charred wall.

Light, with its capacity to illuminate, ironically creates both shadows and opaque imprints; visible and permanent residues of something that is otherwise intangible. Stare at the sun too long and its image will be burned into your retinas. Same way with the Glory of God? No one has seen His face and lived. (yeah ok considering I go for RCIA every week you have to pardon me if I sneak in some God reference every now and then.)

I have always thought memories are formed, somewhat like that. Humans with their all too brief and impermanent lives try their very best to be immortals, whether by pro-creating, or believing in eternal life after death and in salvation. So they write books, go into religion, paint, create photographs, films and more. Every act of creation is an act of remembrance and of memory.

And maybe I'm like that too. As if the radiance of my reckless abandon will burn itself onto the hallowed walls of KR proclaiming, here once lived Heidi Ng. And my memories will be all the more vivid because I had infused so much energy into whatever I was doing, I burn myself into, I burn myself out. But less romantically, I wrote my name in white liquid paper onto the door-stopper of my previous room. Heidi 08/09 proudly emblazoned. (Too bad the current occupant has this tendency of kicking the door-stopper out of the room bleah, she probably thinks the door-stopper with two different names, one on each side, is a little creepy.)

Carpe Diem!

(anyways my darling friends, pardon me if I don't sms back ok I hate using my phone, I love you people, my heart sets itself aflame with tender concern and caring :DD)



My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

A Meeting of the Minds That Unfortunately, Had Diverging Crossroads. Oh, and Food.

A lot to update but because so much to update I cannot update.
Got the Joshpy's birthday ah, which in itself is one whole drama episode of an update because so many darn farny stuff happened. Like playing Telepathy at Mind Cafe with Yiling as my partner.

Initially I thought, "hey she's my personality soulmate (according to the very dubious FB quiz) we should win with no effort! Some more we both so weird, sure can think of similar words."
The game was to look at either a picture or a word and write the words that come immediately to your mind, then you match with your partner to see how many are the same and move that number of steps forward on a playing board. The winner is one who reaches the end first.

The teams were...Sh* 'Faith' Yun and Jos* 'Shingz' Chua as team 1.
Team 2 are the lovey dovey gooey Juju and Vivi!
Team 3 are the normal ones, Charlynn 'I sleep in Adrain's room almost every night' Low and 'Oh so sensible' Esther Y*p.

Team 4...The Weirdos. Neo and Ng.

Team 3 started off at the losing end because they seldom get the same words! While the rest move steps ahead, then they got their act together! Alas for the poor Neo, Ng was too random to even match words. Team 1...lets just say they had their differences.

Team 2 lovebirds were kinda...dissimilar despite having their hands on each other's body parts at all hours of the day.

One of the picture was of a boat, actually the first word that came to my mind was 'Jesus'. I wrote it as my last word and thought, hey since almost everyone here is like THE CG GANG, they might think of it too! Of course Heidi's attempt at brain-guessing others was an Epic Fail and it brought everyone into Epic Laughter because Jesus wasn't on their minds.

And as for the picture of the broccoli, I don't know what's wrong with putting 'iron' as one of the associative words because it contains iron what! And then it's natural to lead from 'iron' to 'period' because you need iron when you have your period and broccoli is a good source of that.
Ok so I became the laughing 'stalk' instead of the broccoli. Ok fine, probably no one got that pun/joke/lame attempt at humour.

Alamaks I ended up typing so much. Too much! I still haven't said finish even 1/10 of what I wanna say sometimes I wish I can just talk and words will input themselves because I want to note down every detail to reminiscise in future.

Today I stood in Takashimaya for 7 hours, not even shopping but inducing people to shop. I brought back Japanese Sake and other Japanese sealed food that can be mixed with rice/porridge/anything to provide a flavourful, wholesome, convenient meal.
COME TO MAH ROOM AND GET THEM JAP FOOD!

Oh, I have to bring people around this week sigh. But on the good side I can bring them to all the expensive food places I wanna try and fulfill my wildest, deepest, darkest food fantasies. Oh orgasmic. My stomach is growling with anticipatory gastric juices already.

I Will Testify To Love

"If you were a girl would you think my brother is handsome?"
A slight pause and then the realisation of his mistake. "OOPS."


Had dinner with Josh after forensic science test on Fri. I think I have some reaally stupid answers which would leave the marker bursting out in laughter at how some Uni student can give such answers. And then probably think maybe is my Engrish no so good dat why.

For eg. List the differences between a medic0-legal autopsy and an academic autopsy.
I answered: One is done on a living person and one is done on a dead body. One must ask permission one no need.

When I told Charlynn my answer she said "How can it be living person!! Autopsy means it's done on a dead body what!!" Fortunately, one of the difference is one of them needs permission to be given, and one doesn't need. Unfortunately, I answered it vice-versa. How the heck you ask a dead body for permission I have no idea but that was my answer.

So anyways as we were discussing where to go for dinner, Josh asked "why do you sound so happy?"
I was surprised he could actually hear it from my voice. "Oh you can hear it? I'm surprised!" He thought it was because the test was over hahah. Poor guy, so stressed about work.
So anyways I tried to explain to him over dinner time, but as usual talking with him gets me a little umm..worked up. With irritation.
After a long while of worked-upness I said to him "ARHH give me back my happiness!" (machiam he's my ex-boyfriend like that HAHA)

I was alright soon after that, I think he just wasn't used to seeing me like that. "This is the most serious I've seen you in 3 years!"
I said "I'm just not smiling, it doesn't mean I'm emo!!" *makes gasping choking noise*
But he did make use of my unguarded-ness to ask me questions about someone then wasn't satisfied with what I consider a very comprehensive answer. Anyways, maybe his comprehension skills not that good, probably cannot close read a comprehension passage. I shall ask him what he got for English one day. C5 ah?

HAHAH SHOO BAD HEIDI.

That Friday night, Vivi and Juju as usual came to my room, chatted with me for a while and then settled comfortably on the floor of my room and Juju fell asleep gradually. When Vi tried to wake him up he mumbled for her to go bathe first. I'm always so amazed at how this couple can be so un-self-aware and "my room got so nice meh?" I ask them, cuz even though Vivi always says something like "Heidi probably wants us to get out of her room now, we're disturbing you right!"
But she and Ju still stay until 5/6 am in the morning. Very entertaining. On Sat, they were together on my bed and started smooching -_- Oh please get a room. Ok, not my room! That time I saw them do something traumatising too!! Oohoho.


But yes, the 2 weeks I deem as hell weeks, are over. I think this bright spark flew past to settle in my heart, bringing me aglow. Content. I couldn't help gurgling and bubbling over with joy several times in a day (I think it's also because I had delicious Japanese pig-outs a few times in a week).
However I still need to think of a creative work to produce, shall I write a play? Or a short fiction story. What should it be about? I was saying one day "I don't belong in Creative Writing class!" Then my friend said she earned $2k for her play. Then I said "I BELONG IN CREATIVE WRITING CLASS!"

Whatever it shall be about...I already know the ending. It's going to be love-ly.
Today I had a church retreat, made me tear because they played shows that you can't possibly not shed tears for! Although one of my facilitators said she didn't shed tears the first time she watch that episode from Touched By An Angel. I was quite surprised, but since she's so devoted to Catholicism now so I guess maybe got delayed reaction hehehe.
One of group mates revealed how she was suffering when her one-month old nephew died and she started crying then I was like hoping I wouldn't start crying too, thankfully I didn't.



All the colors of the rainbow
All the voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins

Tragicomedy.

Watched a video during Forensic Science just now of a man blowing his brains out. Literally. Well, it was to show how much one can bleed actually, it was a real footage of a man (probably a politician) who delivered his speech and then took out a gun and committed suicide.

It was very disturbing to say the least, since it was real and as usual for forensic lectures quite a lot of the people in hall made some kinda whimpering noise. A and V seated beside me covered their eyes and groaned. It was quite interesting how they were guys but were very squeamish at the pictures and stuff while Charlynn and I looked on avidly. It's not to say we're disturbed ok, we are not but we actually are very much so but we learn to prepare ourselves for the shock.
I know that sentence sounds confusing, what I meant is we're not disturbed (as in wrong in the head) but we were disturbed (as in unsettled by the video). Such intricacies of the English language that we often have such ambiguous words.

I'm glad I took Forensic Science this sem not just because I learn what goes on behind crime scenes and the fascinating aspects of forensic pathology, but more importantly, how infinitely precious life is.

We might be a population of 6 billion but there's actually such a random and huge odds that we had to fight against to actually come to life. The correct mixture of sunlight and water, atmosphere and maybe a touch of the divine.
Then our parents have to meet and their xy chromosomes merge to give rise to us. Then we have to develop 9 months in a womb. Sounds like a random series of coincidences right.

So seeing all those pictures of people who would never speak, breathe, laugh or cry again, and who had their lives ended so tragically, it just hits home again and again of what a pity it is. I know I get sad every lecture, but still it just makes me appreciate the value of life more.
That's why I disapprove of the death sentence in Singapore.

Actually one of the greatest goal in my life is to be joyful. Like, not merely happy, but genuinely find joy in life, through trials and tribulations, good times and bad. So it was why I quite often start laughing/snorting/smiling to myself, recalling I don't know what random stuff.

But of course I'm not that good at it yet. It takes practice and I'm a lazy piece of cute crap.

Doing essays on Charlie Chaplin helps to make me smile, when I grow up I wanna create pieces like he does. So come on everybody lets listen to this wonderful song that he composed the melody of and hope one day Heidi can write great creative works that would bring joy to everyone's life. If not joy, then an understanding and empathy to help others.

What is Strength Made Of?

Today, another girl called me to tell me that she wanted to quit. Or something like that. She didn't turn up for the meeting too and my intention at that time was to kick her.

She told me work was piling up and she couldn't quite cope and all that. That's what all the freshies are starting to say now that hall life isn't so rosy anymore. Now that they have a true idea of what responsibilities meant. My first reaction was to snap at her, that she couldn't tell me earlier, that don't we all have to go through this.

But I didn't because it wasn't fair. And because honestly I'm not such a harsh person ok! Just that when she was talking to me, all my responsibilities were flashing through my mind and it wasn't exactly a very light feeling. The thought of the team getting smaller and all my well-wrought plans coming to naught, and that she was a good player I really wanted.

Then I asked her about choir too, and she told me she was planning to quit either one of them. You know what sort of position that placed me in? I was her section leader, in charge of her during choir. I am her captain, in charge of her in sports. (She must be thinking she "dao le shang bei zi de mei" unlucky from her past life) Like why the heck must the two things she feel like quitting have the same person in charge. I was thinking the same thing too. Why must I be put through such a dilemma.

At the moment I felt torn, "Badminton needs you more" I wanted to tell her. But I would have felt guilty in choir too. On the phone, I tried to counsel her, telling her to give it more time. So at the end of it, she isn't quitting both (although she prefers being in choir). I gave her more time to think.

That day she missed choir she didn't tell me either. After the call I was thinking how am I suppose to go and treat her normally and nicely now in both activities.

Yesterday for the badminton meeting, one senior told me she was very shocked because I was very fierce (but I made a lot of jokes what!!) and serious. I had to be, at the point I was also controlling my annoyance because some people were being irresponsible. And I needed their commitment, I needed their loyalty and effort because this year is going to be the toughest year yet. I needed their support and to see it crumbling makes me crumble a little inside too.

I suppose it's all weighing in on me, everyday with fresh emails, smses and calls (omg this liasing officer from another hall called me at 9am, 9am!! to ask if I checked my mail) and work due. Every step is like trudging through wet cement. But I can't complain, sometimes I look around hall and realise what it feels like to be utterly alone. It crashes in waves and leaves me in a rising panic.

But hor...I realise, this is all pushing me towards being someone more understanding and stronger. I don't feel angry at the freshie anymore, the best way to get through this is together. She's new to hall, and I ought to understand that. Understand that and help her through this, help the new ones unfamiliar to what hall life entails that they will get through this and mature and learn how to have better time management (which I really like, need) and be independent.

I will be less fierce to my team mates also hahahah! My big sister act came out and I can get quite stern in an effort to maintain control. Also because I'm going to implement some rules that I think will be unpopular with the hall captains, I have to convince them, might even have to argue with them. But first things first, I will need to get my rules and regulations straight and to arrange a meeting with them ASAP. So this future struggle has been weighing on my mind and maybe making me a little bit more controlling than I usually am.

Patience, tact and gentleness, do I have it in me? Yes yes I do. Just need to close my eyes and breathe, metaphorically and literally.

"Everything will be alright." I will tell her that.

Food food food foood. Friends.

Just now I caught A going through the process of cleaning up and trying to shift the furniture in her room. Having just been cathartically cleaning up my room less than 1 hour ago I guess at some internal turmoil going on. "MAYBE SHE HAS ESSAYS LIKE I DO!!" I thought, so I helped her to shift her furniture and settled down for a long chat in which I questioned her about what exactly was going on between her and someone else.

So I found out the truth from her, after hearing differing versions from other people. It's really quite funny how rumours get spread about in hall, it's like that Chinese Telephone Game thingy (except that we do speak chinese) so facts kinda gets distorted.

I know I have essays to do but in the greater scheme of life what do these words that are just electronic pixels matter. I'm not being kaypoh ok. I was just being concerned and a ready seeker of the truth yah.

After that I wrangled a food outing thing (actually several from many people) because I really really cannot stand hall food it's making me so depressed I only have one meal a day. But I ate supper just now because I needed a pick-me-up after the sight of friggin hotdogs drowning in starchy drool-like thingy with vegetables. The other day there was french fries with seaweed, and it's not that nice Macs version. It's literally french fries with seaweed hai-dai style. I feel like hall people are a kind of guinea pigs for the Hall Vendors secret genetic food experiment.
It's just beyond horrible.

And some more A block happened to have some MAF celebration today so they had this whole row of food placed on the tables with steamboats!! And before dinner I was practically begging people to go eat Hotpot with me so the sight of those steamboats exacerbate my already miserable misery.

So now I have Italian, Japanese, Mexican, Seafood and Western to choose from, that's the happiest news I can look forward to in a while. (Don't worry BFFnE I never forget you!)

Ok back to the topic on humans. Fish are Friends Not Food. I'm sorry that line from Shark Tale came out, Cblockers are really called Fishes due to the C. C=Sea geddit?

Yes I realise people can be quite ready to tell their tales if you ask, because sometimes when people skirt around the topic it gets more annoying. Just ask straight in the face "Eh you all break up is it!"

HAHA. Ok fine, I wasn't as tactless as that. But it's just that I needed to get things out in the open instead of pretending I didn't know.

And I needed distraction.

Another funny thing happen, we were trying to discuss possible food outings while a bunch of block girls were happily screaming about and generally acting...bimbotic. It's not anything against them but like...our physical age gap got so big our mental ages are not even close to coinciding meh?? Ok maybe it's because I'm from the 80s and they are technically from another decade. As they ran noisily to the bathroom, T with her back turned to them, rolled her eyes. That was such a spontaneous and genuine reaction it made me sputter with laughter. I didn't expect that out of her considering they were all neighbours!

Ok lah, they are nice kids. But they really are that.

So my dear readers, you might ask why am I doing up awake at 5+am?? I have no idea too but I rather like the peacefulness and a sort of tiredness you know that will ensure you drift right into sleep once you get into bed.

Side notes: I saw a dead sparrow at the dining hall :( It was moving so I thought it was alive and couldn't help wish it could die to spare it from suffering. But I'm quite fascinated by things like that so I kept staring and realise it was moving probably because um..it was kinda like dead but the things consuming it weren't. I know a bit gross right, so whenever the people who were with me saw it I refrained from telling them that actually it's not moving but the creepy crawlies are. To spare them from disgust.

I am so bad but my acting/smoking/bullcrapping skills are really quite good considering I've managed to con about 3 people that I'm married. (someone's gonna say "You wish lah Heidi!" HURHUR.)

I know You didn't bring me out here to drown

Oh my dear people, I'm almost too afraid to check my emails and my smses now (it's like whenever my phone rings whether sms or call) I automatically start cringing.
Ok no one is stalking me it's just that there is a sudden influx or responsibilities. I know I keep talking about responsibilities ahahah, everyone has them right.

Actually right now I'm laughing at myself because it's really quite amusing and ironic that for one who likes to shirk responsibilities I now have a mountain load of them almost cannot breathe *gasp* It never rains, but it pours.

Anyways, this is a challenge in life I must go through, so I'll just systematically mow them down.
This year I'm the convening captain for badminton so I have just received two emails already telling me what I must do "As the Convening Captain, you will be assuming the leadership of this process, that is to say, you will be the main person to make the amendments, as well as the person calling for meetings with other captains"

I must set the rules and regulations, come up with game play standards, set a cap for team players, define what are team players, set the format of the games, calculate the manpower I need, and then arrange for the manpower, arrange for outside or internal refrees and linesmen, specify the logistics that the halls will need, lias with all the captains of the other halls and set meetings with them.
All this to be done by mid-Oct.

I have already wreck my brains over determining the fairest standards such that all the halls will get a chance and not just let the Interhall Games get dominated by a few halls. I already foresee problems and arguments once I lay down those rules and regulations. Probably gonna be the biggest bitch ever, I shall have to hone my debating skills and I think the other hall captains might just hate me for what I'm about to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok next I have already sms all my team members for a meeting, because we have outside events, such as fund-raising in which we (ok fine, I, because the last time I used the word we, my dear seniors told me "it's not we, it's just you! You!") in which I will need to
Handling event registration and queries
• Facilitating onsite programme and interaction with participants
• Administration of sports tournament and ensuring the smooth running of the event onsite
• Conducting event briefing to participants
• Event site setup and tear-down

Ok then I will have to check with my team mates to see who is available and such and get back to the Sports Director about it.

Also most importantly,
I must now plan out my trainings and the torture regime that I'm gonna make them go through. So if we work hard and go up to schedule it'll be running once a week, 200 push-ups and 200 crunches per training, coaching them on their strokes and their footwork and deciding the team.

One midterm in mid oct, 3 essays to hand up by mid Oct.

Choir practices to go for and there are quite a number of people in my section this year to sms and set sectionals, I have to keep up by learning the songs by heart. I love choir but sometimes I feel very inadequate because they keep asking me how do the notes go but I can't play it out for them and I can't sing that well either. Makes me feel like a fraud, one of the reasons why I didn't want to take up the section leader position.
But I can contribute in other ways! Like my sense of humour and niceness or something like that bahahaha. But everytime I indiscreetly suggest HEY HOW ABOUT LET XXXXX BE THE SL! They wave off my suggestions :( They love me too much lah hahahahah!!

And through all this try to keep my sanity and hand up my essays. I think the essays are the hard part actually LOL.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok end of list. The above is actually more for my benefit so I can look through and quietly go mad or miraculously get through them all.
I'm sorry if I don't sms back, because my phone is really giving a lot of trouble, and because I will be having too many things on my mind, not free not free and not enough smses.

I think I might just let my tyrannical side run free by the end of everything, to safely see all these responsibilities through I must really take control and set down my authority. Cuz I know my seniors might not be as supportive as I wish they could be, and I understand, they are final years already. I probably wouldn't be as supportive either.

Today I had an attack of IBS but I think I manage to calm it down. Strangely, I am both weakened and strengthened by all these. Because it's times like this when you learn how to turn to your inner faith and walk on water.

So come lets all breathe and live. Many thanks to Wendina Tan for discovering this song a long time ago. I didn't fully appreciate the depth of the song then but now I do.
Listen to it and you guys will know a part of me.



And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everthing is alright

Everything is alright
Everything is alright

Geu Dae Bo Se Yo.

I often wish I was born in a different time, different place.

A time when there were still new worlds to explore, when the land wasn't filled with concrete and skyscrappers. Some place I could run barefoot or gallop through endless meadows upon a dashing dark horse.
Alright that sounds too Sound of the Music/Romance Novel Heroine for me.

But yes, I feel that modern life gets too contrived and senseless sometimes; doing things for the sake of doing them. The future is the same 360 degrees from all corners, too comfortable, too staid.

That said, it's not that I don't appreciate our modern amenities, our luxuries and conveniences. But there's no denying that I feel out of place of here, as if I'm secretly a wild romantic willing to break all the rules for the sake of an ideal and the whole world can burn if they don't like it.
Yet, I am still pragmatic, a realist who occasionally dreams of soaring.

And so in those daydreams, I am in a different world. A Time and Place when and where Love was something to fight for, not just something that happens down the road as you amble on the straight path. I was Romeo and Juliet, a slave in Egpyt, a knight praying in the Church, part of a harem, a revolutionary stirring the poplace for hope. Pleasure, pain, joy and sorrow, been there done that.

That's the secret world that exists in my mind.

Alright, the discerning ones among you would realise there is a thread of escapism running through this post. And it's true. WHY AH?? Because I'm stuck in hall with responsibilities that seem to pile up, they have added more duties to what I already consider a burden. And with school work and projects that I always stupidly (every sem without fail) choose the weeks whereby the submission dates all coincide. The only sense of timing I have is a wrong one.
Ok, and the Korean dramas and sad emo korean drama songs I've been listening on repeat mode is not exactly lifting me up from my tendency to be a wee bit melancholic.

I keep having this feeling that Someone is purposely putting me through gruelling times, like a great cosmic joke I'm not part of.

I know I sound super grumpy and whiney and self-pitying and more.
I'm sorry. I even feel guilty for unloading it all on this blog but every time I tell myself to be strong this giant arm comes right smacking down and I need 5 seconds to recover. (Ok strong imagery it's because I've also been playing online games recently HAHA right all this talk about being busy I've been wasting time away playing).

But I know, I know so I ask people questions they might find odd. Like how I asked someone in my room just now a question, it just came naturally to my mouth. I understand we all need to be probed sometimes, to know that someone still cares what happen to you, that you're not just lying there forgotten in a ditch.

Maybe that is why I think people (kinda unwittingly) confide in me because I care, and I ask. You see, it's because I know what it's like.

SO MAGGIE TELL ME ABOUT XXX!!! LOL.

Just now tremors shook Singapore, everything in my 13th storey house was shaking and I could do nothing but hug the wall. I used to have nightmares of this same scenario. The whole world crumbling, so it's an irony to see it play out in life. So many thoughts ran through my mind but foremost was what was most important to me and what I would save. I was ready to race and carry them all to safety but then the tremors stop.

It's all about the money...it's all about the dum dum de de dum dum

My eyes like to wander around while I am showering, to break the monotony of bathroom tiles and more bathroom tiles, and also because I have this tendency to shampoo my hair twice as I've forgotten whether I did it earlier.

So today, I stared and flicked my eyes away at the usual swarm of flies in the hall bathrooms that looked as if they were permanently pasted to the cubicle walls. Then my eyes landed on the heater where there were just one or two flies when SUDDENLY A SPIDER CREPT OUT. From underneath the heater, I never even knew there was an 'Underneath The Heater', apparently this rather large spider has been making its home there, ensconced in warmth and darkness.

Ok this spider gave nary a glance at me and then before I could even shudder, it pounced! On a fly just right in front of it and gobbled it up. After that it slithered triumphantly back to its Underneath The Heater and I fancied I could hear its satisfied burp.

That was just too disturbing for a leisurely bathroom visit.

I calculated the odds of that fly being gobbled up when there were so many other flies beside it and the results were that it was 1 lucky fly to have beaten the odds. Then again, it was one of only two flies that chose to populate Near The Heater so it's probably 1 stupid fly out of 2.

Alright peepies, today I went on a holy pilgrimage to the different churches of Singapore! You must be thinking since when was I such a holy moly person, but you should know by now as a person I am quite kaypoh curious in nature.

I was almost too late for the buses but my facilitator ran in front of the buses to be a man-made barrier just for me. Kidding. I arrived quite in time, at least before the Father did.

The first stop was the Carmelite Monastry, the one place I have been looking forward to visit. Why? Because these nuns are actually voluntarily detached from the outside world to the point of isolation, and what's more interesting...They choose to dedicate their words to God. So to speak. Meaning that they do not speak, if they do it's only in prayer. Well of course they do have breaks (it's call Recreation) where they are allowed to just talk and not pray.

But can you imagine my fascination? Most people would go mad from this kinda self-imposed isolation where prayers are done every day, 6-7 times a day and meditation and self-reflection and all that while being cut off from all your families and friends, forever.

But the nun that spoke to us was genuinely at joy with this life and I could understand it too. She has found meaning and a purpose in life, and in her own words (all the more precious because you know she can't really speak unless during short breaks) she wants to "pray for the people." And she feels her life is wonderful and beautiful.

So my group of people I could tell were fascinated too, several tried to rush in their questions before they were shooed away. I wanted to ask so many.
But I was too shy and I don't think she could have given me an in-depth answer when time and situation did not permit. One last question a girl asked was "how is the inside of the place like?" because we were only allowed at the outer perimeters of the monastery and its is actually closed off from public eye. She said it's "just like how your house look like" then opened the door to allow us a glimpse into her world.

Everyone went "ahhh..." when they saw the view beyond us. Beyond us in every sense of the word. We only saw a garden and some rooms but there was something so pristine about the view it just evoked a sense of peace and beauty. Reminded me of The Secret Garden, a place hidden off from the world and rather eden-like.

Actually the place is cloistered off (there's even sharp metal thingies on top of the walls like those you see in prison) and there were barricades even in the church itself. The sister talked to us behind a barricade, so the first thing I thought was it really looked like a prison scene where the prisoner talked to people behind a barrier. But I never for a moment thought they would feel imprisoned. Dennis knocked on the barricade though to indicate that he thought it was like a prison.

I shuddered at his treatment of the barricade. It's sacrosanct! Father said "you think it's to keep them in? It's more like to keep you out!" And everybody laughed. The barricades were a symbol of their vow.

Monastary hidden high above a hill.
























The first scene that greeted us, St Therese begging her father to let her enter the Carmelite Monastary.






















Very neat and well-tended garden eh. Loving hands did this.













My favourite scenery.














So after that we visited a few other churches, each with its own charm and beauty, there was one that was built to resemble one in Paris, another one that had very pretty ceramic tiles and one that was surrounded by stain glass that gave a blue tint to the interior of the churc.














I'm blue da-ba-dee...















Stained Glass of the Six Days of Creation. See the plants and the stars? There were fishes at the sides but I didn't take them. Pity.




















St Francis Xavier and a commonly-depicted scene of him. Spot the crab with the cross on its back!

There's an interesting story behind the crab, supposedly historical fact, but my post is getting too long so if you ask me I could tell you (that's how I know who actually reads this far and is interested in what I posted hahah)

So I sometimes keep saying I shall go be a naan (sorry nun I mean) what if there's a grain of truth behind that?

Anyways, now on the secular matters, actually right now I'm supposed to be typing an essay that's 2 days overdued but it's the same old story of how I hate writing essays and procrastinate. Life is getting busier with a lot of work getting due. ._.
Duties in hall never leaves my mind, and I think there's someone who.

Aiya, not that it's particularly interesting.

I miss America because it's where I get almost daily praises of my gorgeous beauty. LOL.

Anyways a lot of people owe me money!! ARGH. I wish they would just pay up automatically instead of me having to go and find them one by one. Darn tiring to chase after them. Actually, I kinda expected these non-recoverable expenses but those who know me well also know that I'm quite a miser it's almost a physical pain to spend money sometimes. It's the hoarding instinct in me. But I shall just let some of these expenses go, no matter that it'll cause me a pang. Ok lah, I can be quite generous too, I bought this clip for Esther which I thought was very cute and she'll like it, it's was a bit of a daylight robbery but since it's in the name of charity...(costs me $1 ok! And I think it's worth half that or less)
Anyways she really loves it so I guess it's worth it.

Cancerians love to hoard stuff and especially money, that's why I actually forgo on things that I want (not when it comes to food though). A new camera cuz mine kinda like...sigh long story, a PSP!! PS3, computer games, shoes that I badly need cuz my current ones are torn, jeans that I needed ever since JC, a water bottle (I've been using plastic ones), stationary, textbooks and more. The list is endless come to think about it.

Ok I shall stop lest it makes me feel miserable and wanting, although I'm quite alright with the lack. Oh no I hope I haven't bore you peepies with my fiscal worries lol. Not like anyone cares right. This is Singapore! We live in constant materialism.

Wah such a big contrast between worldy affairs and religious ones. Any wonder why some people actually prefer being cloistered?

"And I think we got it all wrong anyway..."

It was as if a match had been struck, throwing light on just how dark it was.

"I want to say somewhere: I've tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in."


"Why does one begin to write? Because she feels misunderstood, I guess. Because it never comes out clearly enough when she tries to speak. Because she wants to rephrase the world, to take it in and give it back again differently, so that everything is used and nothing is lost. Because it's something to do to pass the time until she is old enough to experience the things she writes about."

— Nicole Krauss (The History of Love: A Novel)

If you're going to ask someone to do something, can't you at least be more sincere about it?

So I'm Random...Now What?

So I'm typing this in the midst of only-3-hours-of-sleep stupor. Today was both a fast and slow day, holding trials for many people and trying to consider different factors and decide so many things at once at the same time. Then going for CG at night where the topic steered towards relationships and ideal marriages (none of which I'm currently enjoying the fruits of Oh Woe Is Me)
So while everyone talked about their idea mates and kinda marriage I said I don't believe in an ideal marriage and I think all of them think I never answer the question. Oops, not that I choose not to but yah, I think they were settling in for my listing of an ideal mate (which Esther was getting interested about). I should have said something like I'm married to Jesus and he's Da Man or something.

Which reminds me, I am a very random person. Who also likes to say obvious things.
But yes, I have an off-beat sense of humour (if it can even be called that) and quite often I see blank looks over people's faces when I spout of another one of my non-sequitors. *sad face*

My Dear Friends, Romans, Countryman!! Can you please tell me, those of you who know me well and since I was a little young kid, was I always this random/hyper/ballistic/chatty/weird/humourous/pretty ah?

And drama maybe.

I belong on the stage, with oysters worshipping at my feet.

.............
...............
.....................

*sad face again* because no one understand my (admittedly lame) jokes.

Anyways I'd like to thank you for being so vital in the acts of Heidi's life it's like all the chapters, if my life ever get bounded in words and paper, would always have you as a footnote. BffnE. :)
Even though we see each other once every 7 years or something when the Cowherd Meets the Weavermaid and crows flock to be their poor trampled bridge.

"What is real, is just a dream."

We'll both forget the breeze...most, of the time.

Sometimes, within the course of a few days so many things happen that you kinda forget what actually happened. Or maybe it's because I really have like alzheimers. Or I am absent-minded. Or both. But I do think gradually little things will start to slip from my mind until one day when I look at you it's with a blank-eyed stare. I THOUGHT PEOPLE SAY EAT FISH GOOD FOR BRAIN IT'S A LIE. Not that I like fish.

As much as I complain about hall life making me have no-life, it has its fun and exciting and touching moments, of which I'm usually not part of because I'm either too late or too blur. For example, I like going for choir auditions as a snickering, sniggling senior. And then listening to people murder some songs or bring them to life (it's mostly the former) and then feel all self-important because I can reach the notes, and they can't! WOOHOO. Wah lao cheap thrill. But as a collective, it's always very fun to participate in "uh...epic fail" or "she's quite good!" moments.

Choir has been one of the better part of my life in hall, in fact I'm having one of my dream come true! I'm so bloody excited about it. XH, Mandy and I sat outside in the open at night yesterday and sang duets together, having fun picking out the songs to do for culture night. We're going for a very zany song choice "why not!!" I chortled sillily pragmatically.

"Yeah choir should be fun!" XH enthused.

"Although we're being cheap cop outs trying to play up to popularity!" I said gleefully with no trace of irony.

There are auditions again on Thursday I feel like going for, but I can't skip church lessons anymore. Which reminds me, I shall actually use my religious learning for a class discussion and like put people down inform the rest of the class so we can have a bitching battle conducive learning environment.

And then there are bad things in hall like kaypoh neighbours frequently complaining about our noise level. I am very indignant about it. We were here first! I mean you should do your homework before buying a place to settle down in right, and you should know that moving next to a hostel where people have night lives (out of bed) means that there's going to be a lot of noise created what. You want peace and quiet move to some Ulu Pandan, Jalan Cemetery, Pasir Ghosttown or something lah! So they always restrict our exuberance and the things we can do in hall like running screaming topless across the corridors in drunk splendour. Not that I do that but the thought did cross my mind sometimes.

Then they snap photos of us, like some stupid STOMP Voyeuristic Singaporean Citizen Journalists and complain, complain. Which means we can't hang upside down from our windows anymore because of this. Blah. They didn't think, how we future leaders of Singapore suffered during our exam periods because of the construction noise caused by building their condooo, all the dust, the piling and the vibrations. Or how their kids scream so much while swimming in their pretty swimming pools that Johnny thought it was a repeat of the XiXi incident (some girl screamed so loudly while uh...having fun, she woke people up from floors below). Or how some of their dirty ah peks stared into my window last time while I was sleeping.

As neighbours, we are chun wang chi han(lip gone tooth freeze) but no, they choose to be hostile. Meh.

And sometimes, sometimes there are moments you know will change your life forever. These moments that take being in the moment to understand, so immediate and saturated with emotions your heart wrenches and wetness covers the otherwise stoic dryness of your eyes. You know they will never last, yet because of that they will be in your memories always. Moments that brand eternity.
Once out of hall, you'll most probably never be able to bond with people so intimately, personally and daily again. Participating in group activities that actually matter because you're young, and because it matters whether you win or lose. And it might take interacting with someone at odd hours of the day to truly get to know the person better, someone you would probably never have considered you'll be able to connect with in the light of the day. As we sat through block meeting and elections just now I wondered if I had been missing out choosing not to run that fateful year.

I don't know how to put into words all the myriad emotions and experiences that's why I tend to ramble on. I wish I was the succinct type to sum everything up into a sentence so you'll know how bittersweet it is for me, that I'm still undecided whether it was all worth it. My hall life.

I have been having pangs recently. Sharp sensations in the heart (and not because I'm having health problems ok, even though I eat Macdonalds like everyday I think my arteries are gonna burst) because people keep asking me probing questions, or making remarks that jolts at some of my consciousness I would rather keep hidden. Like happy, moist fungi under a mossy rock.

It's my last year in hall already, and I wish I am able to pack up and move forward without a backwards look. Even if I do, it'll be with a fond grin as I bid a tender adieu. Not with a tremulous, regretful smile.

"The past may be gone forever...and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow."

Not L'Oréal.

I should just learn from my lessons.

This Darkness Would Turn to Light.

On Saturday, I went to the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibition. I think most people go there expecting to encounter rolls of ancient parchments and then get a little bewildered to see only pieces of darkened whats-its.

We went early so there wasn't any queue, it was quite a small exhibition. Again, not what I expected. It was mostly on the how the Bible got translated from its original Greek and how men have fought and died to have the Bible made accessible to the common people.

A brief history of Faith.

As I read the stories on how many of the men (no women leh) had undergone great hardships to translate the Bible to the vernacular (which was punishable by death in those times) so that people could understand their faith better, I didn't expect my reaction. Maybe I was just tired, but I almost felt like tearing a little. A little only ok. Yes, I was a little moved.

Maybe even a little bit of envy. These people had something I don't have, and that is absolute trust and belief in their faith. So much so they were willing to die for it and even towards the end, still avow it.

I have always wondered if I would be willing to die for a cause. Actually, I'm ready to throw my life away from many things, not because I don't value it, but because these are things I would give my life to protect. Wow say until like I'm some crusader. Yeah anyways, I was moved because their conviction resonated with me and maybe even understood how it could have come about.

They surrendered themselves wholly, and yet gained strength from this. There's a certain peace and steadfastness to Surrender and Supplication.

Even though it was only rather tiny pieces of the 'scrolls' themselves, I couldn't have but be fascinated by them. Images ran through my mind. Of hands painstakingly inscribing words in hopes their beliefs could be preserved. And again of hands, tears, sweat and blood frantically burying these scrolls so that they would be safe from marauders.

Fragile fragments. Thousands of years of memories.

I'm rather glad I went, since I was intending not to go that day due to lack of sleep. To make up for my skipping Catholic lessons that week.

When we got out of the Arts House, all of a sudden there was a long queue outside. I have this feeling most of the people who come to see this exhibition are Christians, because I encountered a few church groups within and some of the conversations people had showed knowledge of the Bible.

Esther herself had surreal moments, as she gazed in wonderment at the wood-worked Bibles and first edition prints. "I had just done an essay on them, so I did research on all of them! And now they are right in front of me!" She repeated herself a few times and knowing Esther's sensible demeanor, her repetition showed how excited and amazed she was. (this doesn't work the same way for me because I have a tendency to repeat myself due to my warped brain.)

I was a non-believer surrounded by believers. Little wonder I felt excluded somewhat. Every Thursday that mix of poignancy and some rebelliousness stirs within me.

Good luck for your first day of school tomorrow, even should you feel a lost or unfamiliar, it's all part of the experience.

Mixpod

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss.

Lit lesson today had this rather evil bastard but he's probably quite a nice person in real life who just has a bit of ego and tactlessness issues.

Forensic Science lesson just about traumatised everyone today. I don't know how to describe the ordeal, by turns horrifying, and always fascinating. Sometimes I really just want to look away, and actually some students did, because they couldn't take it anymore. At some point I had this urge to puke from the gore overload but everyone around me looked as if they were bravely holding it all in so I did too.

Charlynn later told me she felt like puking at some moments. Quite a mentally exhausting lesson, visually terrifying and very saddening.

I felt very guilty for skipping one particular lesson, I had decided to go actually but then succumbed to peer pressure. Alright, it wasn't purely peer pressure but a weighing of the pros-and-cons. It was a decision deliberated over, and the conclusion not an easy one to make.

Just now two little boys came to my room and we chatted for so long I was wondering when would they ever leave, "Don't you guys need to sleep?" I queried in hopes the hint will come through.
"But it's a Saturday!"

Oh right. True true.

It was pretty entertaining having them around too though (although they probably think I'm the one being the entertainer instead, regaling them with tales of blood and gore during Forensic lessons).

Most people probably think I'm an extrovert, and they might be just right. But my mind works furiously at times and directs everything inward. Intraversion, it is called.
So I'm either an intraverted extrovert, or extraverted introvert. Or perhaps labels are just that and boundaries aren't fixed.

Work is piling up about me like steady falling snow. I had better go catch a few snowflakes on my lips soon before they turn into an suffocating avalanche.

I'm sorry if this post sounds a little vague, but I'm just trying to minimise word count and stop rambling so much because my posts are getting too long and I bet only Yiling reads them in their entirety. HAHA.

I refuse to be an afterthought any longer.

Quandary.

Someone, probably a mad scientist, once said "Knowledge is power."
And then in Spider-Man, Uncle Parker, the very wise uncle of Spider-Man said, "With great power comes great responsibility."

So, with knowledge, comes responsibility. And that makes sense.

But this world doesn't always make sense.

How do I protect, how do I help, how do I step back, how do I share, how do I not.

"The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control, you're not."

The Break-Up.

I got attached!!

In a game that is. I was playing an online game whereby you have cute little characters running around killing cuter monsters and suddenly this invitation box popped up "killasin wants to date you, do you accept?" Naturally my first thought was "What?? Pshaw!" and I hovered my mouse over the 'reject' button. Then I hesitated. Being new the game, I thought maybe to 'date' doesn't mean what I think it means. And what the heck, it's an online game! Someone wants me! Why not??

So I clicked on accept and waited for the good news. "You have now become a couple with killasin."
Okaay, wait a minute, dating really means what I think it means! And OMG I have a boyfriend now!!

But I have no idea what his name is, how he looks like, or even how old he is. With this kinda online game, he probably is some pimply 13 year-old trying to hook up with another girl who looks hot in the game (and most probably not in real life) and who is probably another giggly act-cute secondary school girl in plaits. I relish telling him I am 21, currently studying in NUS and yeah, am quite hot in real life.

I refuse to cancel out the last part because I firmly believe that compared to a giggly 13 year old girl who has plaits, I am hot. Who cares if I'm bullying little kids, nowsaday kids as young as 12 probably already did things I still haven't done before.

Before typing out anything, I thought the guy should go first, you know make first contact with a girl he just asked to be his girlfriend. Introduce himself and tell me why he wanted me, and how good our future would be together. But...he didn't say anything, just "now we're a couple ^_^"
That's it.

Dang it, how am I suppose to reply to something like that?? "Yes we are! Hee hee! ^^" or maybe "yEsH! Im ShOo HaPpI DaR dAr! =P~~"

In the end I kept silent. He never said anything after that, all cold and no gifts or something. We didn't even see each other in person (or in game character)

I am heartbroken.

I want a break up.

Now.

*wails*

"He bully meeee!!" *sniff sniff cry cry mucus mucus*