It is the end of the beginning..
Last Saturday I ended my 7 years in the youth with my last worship. I've been struggling with whether I should continue serving in the youth, but with this new initiative being brought forward by HQ that it is compulsory for us serving in the leadership to be part of a young adults lifegroup, I shudder at the amount of responsibilities I have on hand. With a 9 – 6pm work day, 5 days a week, plus 2 nights of lessons and with an unbelievably horrendous amount of readings that would sound like lullaby so often, having an additional Friday burnt is a scary prospect. It is simply too much for me to take; I have no intentions for a banzai charge.
So I've decided to take a step back, to take a break from doing so many things. I fear the sense of obligation has creped into my heart, and now I need some breathing space to refocus myself.
Being brought up in a meritocratic,capitalistic society that stresses 'the survival of the fittest', we base too much of our 'success' on results and 'marketable' skills – figures, response, eloquence, charismatic leadership. I'm not saying all these things are bad, just that I realised that there could be a possibility that it has affected me in the way I look at ministry. Like the good ol' pre-protestant orthodoxy, there was this sub-conscious belief my acceptance is based on the amount of work done. However, the issue is not with the amount of work we can do, but rather where we base our self-worth. As a worship leader, one of the 'usual' indicators to whether you're doing a good job is based on the numbers of hands raised, or the numbers of knees bowed. Thus you tend to want to use more trendy songs that sounds good and 'jumpy'. But where did my heart of worship go to? Why do I base my ministry on the response of the people? If ministry was like that, then Jeremiah would have failed miserably. He was sent to warn Israel to turn back from their sins, yet they did not, and even imprisoned Jeremiah.
The problem here is the disconnection between the external and the internal.
We look too much on the external, we base too much of our judgment on the external. Thats the problem with us humans. True, the external will show fruits in our ministry, I agree totally, but it is too easy just to throw some smoke canister and mask up other important, yet not really see-able, things. King Saul was a great king, a man of tall stature, an imposing character and a great military commander. Everyone thought they had it right. They were so wrong.
Sigh, when we will ever learn to stop trusting in what we can see. In the past few weeks, I'm starting to once again see this whole world as a big lie, with its tempting promises of greatness if we would only bow down before it. What is most important lies in the internal, the regions where it's difficult to really see. Character is important in the eyes of God. Character tells you what a man believes in and how much he believes in it. Character will give birth to action, which defines and moulds the external of a man. It is easy to replicate the external without having an internal change - this is what we call 'wayang', Asian shadow puppet. We all fall into this danger of basing our worth and judging others on the external. It's a curse! Yet it pulls us because we have this fear that if we are not doing anything, people may think we're slackers, or backsliding. We want to appear efficient, yet we're all just fighting a phoney war.
I like what is going on now, and I have no fear of what is to happen. Army has trained me to accept uncertainties with a carefree, almost nonchalant attitude. I believe God is dealing with this issue in my life, teaching me where my worth truly is. I want to renew my mind on this issue and be transformed, even if it makes me look inefficient.
Arrgghh I really can't be bothered.
Why should we be afraid if this is God's initiative for us this season? The problem of man is that we are resistant to change because we are afraid of the unknown, afraid of plotting onto a course that would make us venture into the uncharted. Praise God for what Ps Tony said to us, “I'm going into this with uncertainty.” The Christian walk is 'plagued' by uncertainty. If you want to follow God, be prepared to have many uncertainties coming right smack at your face, and the ability to hang on will be imperative. We cannot bear the festung mentality of our comfort zones any longer - now it's time for blitzkreig into what is ahead.
I am excited, really, I am. I'm excited with what's going to happen next year in the new Young And Working Adults (YAWA) ministry, I'm excited for having a chance to really take a step back to look at the grand picture, instead of trying to plug holes in the ministry. Its time for me to take stock of what is most important in my life instead of what is more urgent, to wrestle back the initiative of true service that flows from a rested heart in God, not the battery-like bravado service that often depends on a limited source of 'self'. Self must die yet again - It's a daily affair, and now I want to evaluate my own service to God, circumcising the flesh away. It's going to be painful, but necessary. I need to find my Gilgal.
Dangerous, I could fall back into wanting to do more things for the sake of filling up my time, or drop back into the danger of judging spiritual growth with external results alone.
Oh well, here we go.
Once more into the breach, my brothers, once more into the breach! - King Henry V
