找到你，
我终于明白过去的11年，
就是为了今日的30天。

Jumping in.

There's been so much things bothering me, I don't know how to express myself.
love, uncertainty, academics, gratitude, dreams, age, friends, trust, family, wants, desires, appearances, motivation, obsession, fear, fear, fear.

The human self is so deep, so dark, so
unfathomable.

I think I need change, something to happen.
Finding myself, its so difficult.
I need you here, and yet... you stay away.

I just don't understand.
But I'll live a life without you. A meaningful one.

OHHHHHHHHHKAY.
I have finally decided to come back here to blog after -checks- holy shit. Oh wait chey only 1 month of not blogging. Okay I feel less guilty now haha. Alright, so yesterday was training + PW consultation + OG outing, and cause OG outing had been so fun I'm here to blog! I realised that only big turning events tied with free time to blog can make me come to blog, cause otherwise its not worth the distractions I get from the internet ): Once I come online I usually don't get work done. Which is very sad and pressurising cause oh man, week 1 of June Hols are almost over!! But lets not digress.

Training was with Sianglin and Allison, and I practised barani like the norm (:
Then I walked back to college section with sl, and she was going crazy over the Yamaha public piano at the high school side hahahah and she confessed her love for duets! Told her about the Cannon in D duet I loved so much and she said she did too :D Then we played a bit (or at least she tried to teach me a simple duet and I was so fail) before continuing back to college. Met Zheng Xiang, Michelle and Sean there; they were discussing PW after their consultation before my group's, haha. Hope you people get your GPP idea soon, Zheng Xiang don't look so stressed out! Heard that Queenie injured her face omg o.o Get well soon too! Then I asked if anyone wanted lunch after my consult at 2 and slacked with them (cause I reached at around 1.30pm) till 1.55pm. Totally distracted their group from their GPP oh no >< Then after that Jeanette and Khang Chuen came back from coro and the tennis courts respectively and we went to find Mr Lo.

PW consult was surprisingly productive and funny hahah. Cause Jeanette called Mr lo and then after the call she was like "eh he sounds very angry" then I was all "but Zheng Xiang's group said he was in a good mood!" Then when we saw him he was like "who was the one who said I sounded angry? I'm not angry luh just tired". Then we were all giggling and laughing and he was very amused with us as well hahaha. Jeanette was totally blur and kept saying it wasn't her! We went into some aircon-ed staffroom for consult and he approved our idea that we submitted before so all the freaking out we did from term 2 till yesterday was in vain -.- But regardless I'm so relived now! Then he talked about dance night and we were all going omg at the chinese dancers haha. And the conversation he had with James was epic.

James was late, so before he came Mr Lo was asking us when he was leaving for Vietnam as he was going Vietnam for OCIP as well. Then Jeanette and I told him it was 6 June and Mr Lo totally recoiled in horror (not unlike Nigel Kaw when he saw Yong Hwang in Malaysia haha) so I reassured him that he's taking Tiger Airways and Mr lo relaxed "I'm taking jetstar, thank god". So the convo with him and James went like this when James came:

Mr Lo: Eh James when are you flying back to Vietnam?
James: This sunday.
Mr Lo: Oh 6th June? -James nodded- When's your flight?
James: Uh 7pm at night.
Mr Lo: Oh okay my flight's in the morning. Which place are you flying to? (Then he said 2 cities' names which I don't recognise so I shall just name them place 1 and place 2)
James: Uh place 2.
Mr Lo: What, I'm also going there! Why are you going there ah?
James: Oh I'm visiting my friends there to help them do OCIP also.
Mr Lo: Oh really? That's nice. (Then he saw James smirking in Jeanette and my direction and he was like) liar. (And we all burst out laughing like crazy) Eh seriously where are you going! I know you taking Tiger Airways so I won't see you but I need to know where you're going!
James: -looks startled- how you know I'm taking Tiger? Who told you?
Mr Lo: You don't have to know luh. Even if you don't want tell me I can just go ask your guardian.
James: Oh okay I'm going place 1 luh.

And then Mr Lo asked him about his hometown and stuff hahah. Thanks to me who knows James is taking tiger cause I saw his airline ticket booking! ^^V
Hahah okay then after that PW consult ended and I went back to CT bench with Jeanette (the guys took a different route) and then I went for lunch with Sean and Jeanette! Jeanette had problems with her shoes and she went to find slippers from some random people while Sean and I were totally skeptical that she could find. So imagine our surprise when she came back with Jie Rong's slippers, haha. Went golden rooster and ate lemon chicken rice with bubbletea, saw the gym sec2s having lunch there while Jeanette was at the toilet! Sean was totally dying cause he just tightened his braces. Made me so thankful mine are all off, haha (: Then that slacker wanted to bus back to hc but Jeanette and I got him to walk. Then after that he went to bboy so Jeanette and I were talking and stuff till 4, which then I promptly left for OG outing at 5pm!

Cause 171 took so long to come (omg this is such a long post) I was going to be 5min late so I texted Ysabel and apparently we were on the same train and she found me! Hahahha beautiful coincidences <3 Then we saw Kok Joon walking blur-ly and then we walked down to the control station again to wait for Yi Teng for half an hour till 5.20. And I thought only girls were entitled to be late -.- He appeared with a bunch of friends and we walked down the underpass, bought some drinks, and went to The Sail!

Went to the 8th floor which then Yi Teng promptly went "shit I think wrong building. And this is my house!" Then all his friends laughed and we were about to go down to the 1st floor to go to the next building when we saw 2 angmohs in swimming suits giving us weird stares and turning the corner so being the smart guy that he is Yi Teng followed them. But we landed up at the swimming pool so it was all cool, haha. It was really like some hotel, seriously! There were like gyms and spas and jacuzzis and all sorts of pools and there were even exercise machines in the pool o.o We (Ysabel and Kok Joon and I) slacked around while the guys went wild with tennis balls and getting wet without an extra change of clothes cause we were waiting for Pei Shan, Sheryl and belinda. Then at 6+ they came so we went to changeeee! And we pulled Pei Shan into the water though she didn't have extra clothes muahahhaha and she totally took revenge and pulled everyone in too! Sheryl couldn't come in though cause she was inconvenienced and Kok Joon and no change of clothes (and was the only guy from our OG besides Yi Teng but he was with his friends) so I got them to talk and everything haha.

Then Pei Shan had this fantastic idea which includes someone sitting on her shoulders and another pair doing the same thing and the people on top trying to push the other down. But it was damn fail cause we couldn't get up on anyone's shoulders HAHAHAH. Was trying to get up on Ysabel but >< Then the guys proposed playing water polo with them (I mean, half the guys are from polo or something) so we split - Belinda and I with Yi Teng's team, Ysabel and Pei Shan with Bryan's team - and we started! It was damn fun ahahah at first we girls couldn't recognise any guys besides Yi Teng and Bryan ._. then I started knowing who's Jerry (I think), Brandon, Shannon and Chee Shuan. Hahah not bad for someone who fails with names and faces. Stupid Bryan scammed me once into throwing him the ball ._. Not sure when we started playing but we ended at around 8 and we went to wash up and change back, and then the pizzas came!

Yi Teng went bonkers with the ordering I swear. He ordered like 8 large pizzas or something, then in the end left 2 boxes -.- While eating we played cards, split into 2 groups! There was all the girls minus sheryl, bryan and brandon on 1 circle, and the rest of the guys at the other. Played and ate till around 9+ and we started clearing up the place and dawdled down to the MRT while Pei Shan and Belinda were freaking out about being killed by their mums opps >< We reached the mrt at 10.15pm or something and Pei Shan was like. "Well done, my curfew is at 10." Hahhaha then we split into the green line red line groups and Yi Teng, Bryan, Kok Joon, Sheryl, Ysabel and I went towards the Jurong East via Woodlands direction. Can't remember who was going towards Marina Bay O_O

Bryan was looking damn pale and sian and pissed o.o
He left with Yi Teng and Kok Joon at Dhoby Ghaut, Ysabel left at Newton, and Sheryl at Yio Chu Kang. Reached home, wanted to bathe and sleep, but my dad told me mummy was dying with some work so I bathed and helped her with vouchers and what not till 1+ :/
I am totally fillal unlike my sister. And my brother reached home at 12.30, he's damn epic.

OKAY so that's the end of my long long post!
Had so much fun yesterday yay! Annueh 23'2010 forever <3

After 6 weeks (fine maybe not) 3 weeks non-stop of studying and doing homework and chionging PI and everything else that came along with T2W3 till T2W6, it is really a relief to be having a long weekend today. I cannot describe how good it is to be able to know that you'll be able to sleep in and wake up late tomorrow and not for 2 nights, but 3 nights in a row (:

But even then, we're not let off, of course. Loads of tutorials and PW to do, but the PW bit is sort of due to my own procrastination so I'm really hoping I can survive. Regardless! Just really glad to be able to have the chance to come up here and rant a bit, haha.

I crashed my first econs lecture this previous thursday with Ming Wei! Saw loads of stuff haha. And I learnt econs for the 1st time in my life as well, positive and negative externalities as well as demerit goods! I think I got it, but of course I can't be sure. I saw James on the hall of fame as well, haha. Maybe next time when I'm feeling not-so-tired I can go crash with s63 people in lt3 rather than lt2 :D

And I passed my first lit essay and first lit test of the YEAR, its really making me feel motivated and that all the stress I went through was worth it. But of course it wasn't a good mark so I need to keep working harder!

Little things like this make jc more endurable, as well as crap sessions with Josie and Michelle about adultery and being lesbian hehe. Anw going to plan my schedule for the weekends now before crashing into bed, so tataaaaaaaaaa.

Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you ♥

Its how I feel change coming through..
The way you turn away from me to talk to another
The manner in which you ignore me
The tone you use to talk to another as to the one you use on me.

Its precisely why I feel that..
I no longer hold importance in your heart
I am just a mere friend to you now
I have already lost you.

But even still, I can't wish but hope that I'm reading the signs wrongly, that I am being paranoid, that nothing has changed, and we're still good together.
Tell me that its true. Convince me it really happened, and that this friendship wasn't only what I imagined it to be.

To whoever;
I don't understand why I'm still wishing for a upward turn of things. Every time change comes, it just bubbles within me, spiraling out of control. But I guess everything is different, and that you've moved on to want more instead of just this alone.

Hope lies shattered on the ground, and it hurts, yet it is my fault for being so ridiculously stupid. From best friends to strangers, that will never be something I can handle. I can only just put up with it and endure the pain.

I am.. fine.
"Never make someone your priority if you're not theirs." And of course, that seems to make your life a happier one if you have your friendship returned and all. But if you still want it back as how it was last time, does this still apply?

Okay I'm rambling.

Just before creative-writing class, I saw Kit in the hallway. As I froze in my footsteps, it struck me how amazing it was that I could spot him so easily despite the crowd. Though he looked incredibly glum as he put his books in his locker, he was still striking and breathtakingly handsome.

I quietly came to stand beside him and leaned against the locker beside his. When he slammed his locker door closed, there I was, calm and collected. I could tell he was taken aback by my sudden presence, which I took advantage of immediately.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you broke up with Brooke?” I demanded. I couldn’t believe how forlorn he looked. Seeing his face for the first time without a smile, the depth of his sadness in his brilliant blue eyes was both shocking and devastating at the same time. It actually hurt to see him looking like this.

“My breaking up with Brooke is my business and has nothing to do with you,” he said in an incredibly clipped and British voice. I flinched, his neutral tone cutting deep into my soul.

“You’re wrong. It seems that you two broke up because Brooke insulted me and you defended me, so that makes it my business as well,” I pointed out, trying to collect myself.

Kit shook his head. “I broke up with Brooke because I don’t have the feelings for her I’m supposed to. And I have those feelings for someone else. Or had them.”

“Who?” I was confused.

Kit shifted the books in his arms and looked at me like he was searching for something he’d lost. “The girl I’d glimpsed in you when you were trying to hide who you were. That girl. But that girl doesn’t exist, does she?” he asked hollowly just as the bell rang.

He turned on his heel and strode away. Watching as he disappeared, I could feel another slash on my heart as tears threatened to overwhelm. No, she didn’t exist. Or at least, I don’t want her to exist, I whispered softly as I followed him into the classroom. The words floated towards him, after him, yearning to make him understand. However, in the chaos of the hallway, they dissipated, getting lost forever in the realm of hurt and lost love.